#past csa

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

prompt: i am BEGGING on my knees for more recom!paz, maybe the moment that she and spider met? does he recognise her? he was only a baby when she died, but he kept her picture

(tw past csa, past torture, trauma, violent thoughts)

ao3

It's the hair that grabs his attention first--most recoms don't have curly hair, or if they do they don't grow it out long enough to see. She's got it pulled back, though, not like in the--

in the--

but the sight makes his guts twist anyway. He recognizes the outline of those curls, the same ways he sees in the mirror whenever he takes his braids out. He doesn't take his braids out a whole lot.

She steps into the clearing, gun hanging loosely at her side (shouldn't she be in the sky? is he wrong? let him be wrong). The grass crinkles under her boots the way Quaritch's used to and Spider flinches, pressing his back against the tree.

He tries to tell himself, firmly, that history isn't repeating--he's got a gun now, he's fought in battles, he's faced torture and worse, he's dangerous. He tries to tell himself that, but his hands still hang limp at his sides and he can't breathe right.

Another step, eyes flicking over him--once, a threat assessment, second, a look of confusion. Third, and she stops dead, eyes going wide.

You got your mama's eyes, Quaritch used to pant over and over again as he fucked Spider senseless. That's how I knew you. And...and he's not quite right, not anymore. The pupils are different, the irises, dark brown switched out for searing yellow.

But the shape is the same. And every time he's glimpsed himself shocked, stunned, thrown off his axes and spinning in the dark--he sees it again, in her.

She stumbles forward, like she's about to collapse, a lock of hair swaying from her ponytail, and Eywa, she looks even more like that stupid photo now. Propping herself on a tree, jaw working, more stunned than Quaritch had been, maybe.

"Miles?" she gasps.

And--and. Miles knows what she is, he knows (even if he took her name, even if he got her picture, and learned Spanish along with English to speak her first language, even if he spent his whole fucking childhood telling himself that she hadn't been at Kelutral, that it wasn't anyone's fault she got caught in the Soul Tree crossfire but that doesn't mean she would have done anything, fantasizing about her turning her guns on the enemy and going down a hero like Trudy Chacon had just to trick himself into thinking his family tree wasn't completely fucking rotten).

But he can't go for his gun. Not even now, with her off balance like this. And he can't snarl nobody calls me that, like he had with Quaritch in the woods, when it was so easy to reject his father, before Quaritch sunk his hands so deep into Spider's brain and body it might never come out.

She could do that, Spider knows. She could do worse, if he let her, if he stands in this burning fucking house and refuses to listen to his instincts, refuses to run or fight.

He knows this, and his hands still twitch at his sides, desperate to reach up. Like he's a little kid who's broken his arm again, screaming for his mommy the way the Sully kids always did when they were hurt or scared, even though he's over that, he is, he--

"Mom," he chokes out, like a good son. Like a good boy, his daddy's good boy, his mama's.

"Oh--" Paz Socorro crashes to her knees in the dirt, throws her arms around him before he has a chance to react. "Oh, dios mio." Pulling him close, muscled arms digging into his back, she smells like Quaritch had in the woods, blood and polish, sweat and dirt, gunmetal and smoke--but instead of Quaritch's sharp cologne there's a softer smell of conditioner, shampoo.

"Baby." She pulls him back to look him over and tears well in her eyes--because of the scar or the tewng, he can't be sure. "Oh, baby. My baby.” Pulling close again as she sobs in his ear, her tears dampening his hair and washing down his back like rain.

"It's okay," Spider says, arms wrapped around her sides instead of going for a knife or a gun like he should. "It's okay, Mom." It's a lie, and it's the only truth left in his fucked-up world. "I'm here."

#avatar #avatar au #mutuals #avatar series #avatar the way of water #spider socorro #trauma #noncon mention #paz socorro #reunion #recom paz #past noncon #csa mention #past csa #darkfic #miles socorro #miles spider socorro #avatar spider #mommy issues #daddy issues #dysfunctional family #violent thoughts #post canon #atwow #avatar twow #avatar movies #spideritch #we're nothing to each other #recom squad #I wish you would write a fic where

[synvelesow]

branded

#daan doom posting #tw implied csa #fear and hunger #fear and hunger termina #fear & hunger #daan #fear and hunger daan #karin #fear and hunger karin #daarin #? #my loose sad headcanon regarding this man's fucked up past

[lunar-years]

and like, the thing about the amsterdam james lore was that if they wanted a james redemption, they could have used that as an opportunity to soft launch it! "my dad took me to amsterdam and we actually had a good time, but after we got back home he started drinking again and things got bad again." i still dont think thats justification for jamie reconnecting with him, but at least we could have canon evidence he was an okay dad when sober. but no, they doubled down, and made trying to kill a main character somehow *not* the worst thing james had done

Yeah I think what's most crazy is that scene solidified in my own mind so many missing pieces in my own headcanoned Jamie lore. We learnt SO much in that scene and not one single piece of information pointed towards "this is a character who is going to not only recover but act as a non-negative presence in Jamie's life."

New information I gathered from the Amsterdam scene:

As you pointed out, physical/emotional abuse of his son and nearly murdering Beard are not the topmost crimes on James Sr.'s scorecard.

leading into, Jamie is a csa victim

Jamie doesn't remember it happening. we've discussed at length what that could stem from and yes there are multiple explanations but. well. uhh. none of them are good. i think.

Others disagree, and that's completely fine, but I very much think the scene is coded as This Is The First Time Jamie Has Told Anyone What Happened and Roy is Now the Only Person Who Has this Information.

At the time of taking Jamie to Amsterdam, James Sr. was trying to get back together with Georgie and playing up the "Superdad" routine

Others disagree with this as well, but I read that line as Jamie implying it was neither the first nor last time James had tried those tactics (and possibly been successful at one or more points, we don't know one way or another)

Georgie allowed Jamie to go to Amsterdam with James and then presumably allowed James to continue seeing Jamie afterwards (we're given no information to the contrary, anyway)

So taking all of that together, to me it's not just the confirmation that the abuse Jamie suffered at his father's hands was even more abhorrent than we thought or that Jamie's trauma runs deeper than we previously thought. It's also evidence that Jamie has never been in a position where he's felt comfortable with confronting that trauma and has yet to unpack all of the things he has gone through.

Furthermore, the scene hints that what we see at the end of s3 is (imo quite possibly) not the first time James has been in rehab or at least claimed to have sobered up or shown signs of recovery, only to fall back into his old ways shortly afterwards. This is indicated by Georgie allowing him to take their son out of the country, which (considering we meet her later in the season and get a sense of her character, including her deep love for her son) I cannot imagine her doing had James been obviously still a drunk. This is also why I personally believe Jamie hasn't told her what happened, because he continues to see his father after he returns. I just can't see Georgie allowing that had she known.

None of this sets the scene for a successful James recovery arc. In fact, for me it makes the whole thing worse and so unlikely to end for good because 1) Jamie forgives his father before even processing everything his father did to him, and without informing any of the people closest to him, let alone consulting an actual professional. This to me does not indicate Jamie is in the right mental place to be embarking on this new journey. 2) There is absolutely a more-than-plausible chance James Sr.'s current rehab stint will follow the same cycle as times previous: he's better for a while. he's superdad! until he's not. and Jamie as usual becomes collateral damage.

I therefore am forced to conclude Jamie could very well be opening himself up to more hurt and more pain at his father's hands, when he hasn't even dealt with his current backload of hurt and pain. If we were supposed to feel hopeful in the final scene where Jamie visits him--I have to say, because of what THEY told us and wrote about their backstory, I feel anything but.

#jamie tartt #james tartt sr #tw csa #tw abuse #tw rape #asks #ted lasso #ted lasso critical #it's just. so badly written if they wanted us to be hopeful. #obviously I think anyone can recover even if they haven’t from past attempts but. #they gave us every reason to be worried about Jamie!! they did that!!

[switchcase]

Not going to lie, I did get a bit offended that after saying "academic articles about severe sadistic abuse usually cite Torture That Kills People Slowly and Horrifically and also the Holocaust as examples" I got a follow up question asking if gaslighting and CSA count as torture.

Idk man you guys have GOT to start working on that whole "have to have it really bad to be valid" and trauma olympics shit and this fucked up concept that your history/brain has to be unique and special all the damn time. Cause the minute it leaves your mouth, it affects more people than just you.

When you dilute terminology you make spaces for survivors more difficult to navigate. When you strip language from survivors you are taking away their voice. When you strip the meaning from these words you make it so that people become reactive to those survivors talking about their experiences. Everyone will go up in arms about how gaslighting isn't just pranking or lying but you really think it's ok to do the same thing to other forms of abuse?

#like the fact that people took 'complex DID' and decided um actually I'm even more specialer than CDID I have HIGHLY complex DID #what's the alternative. Saying people have Basic Baby DID? #What is the fucking POINT #the fact that people use a cult term to describe interpersonal abuse is so fucked up to me #I really hate it. CSA and gaslighting is ENOUGH to be traumatized #You do NOT need to be a torture survivor to be fucked up from that #I think I get more upset by it because the way that people navigate this is by implicitly or explicitly putting others down #Anyway I think it's fucked up that RAMCOA survivors for the past few years have been stuck between #People who deny it exists because their knowledge of it is from horror movies and conspiracies #And people who fetishize it to a weird degree #I've literally had multiple people tell me RA and cults are their special interests #imagine saying that about any other abuse type lol #You are all so disrespectful it's obscene #.log

[miss-mossball]

I wanted to a redraw of a doodle I did wayyy back in 2013 vvv

#doodle heaven #my ocs #persona #dosy #flour #If you're wondering who dat Flour guy is and why is he abusive/shipped with Dosy: they used to be oc-versions of Glados and Wheatley #from Portal #and had an abusive marriage #you see way back then all my rps with my siblings were about coping with my father #who was sexually physically and verbally abusive and at the time of that rp he still was(didnt know about the csa tho) #So we based Wheatley's personality on his and I thought I was basing Dosy's on my mom's and the ship we had was an attempt to fix their #sad hopeless marriage #I did not realize that dosy and wheatley(now flour) were alters in my head! until much later! and that I was coping with something far #deeper than I thought #Flour resurfaced in summertime this past year after a really traumatizing fight with my mom about the subject #he is a persecutor part to the rest of the Dosy parts and is working on reforming #We use art to cope <3 he helped me through getting kicked out and getting to Rou #Pretty much 100% of my art is about surviving my abusive household and finding happiness with Rou and Chime #And most of that is about my alters because I have DID <3 the end #Sorry for the ramble I thought it would be confusing to bring up such old art without a smidge of context #I'm thinking I'd like dosy's hair to be short while mine is because I..am her. She is me #I am dosy the host hello <3 #redraw #2013

[vriskerfic8ion]

aren't u the radqueer who went to their collage and gave a speech about radqueers and how their valid and uniroanclly said antis and also appenrtly groomed a child 😭🙏🏽

Yes

Yes

No. Being radqueer and a proshipper in someone's presence isn't grooming. Did I hurt her? Yes. I've hurt a lot of folkel. Most of what I did to Cagney was perceived by me as either self-defense (the instance of suibaiting) or an attempt to help her (giving her advice on how to safely end her life.) I am trying hard to be better. I'm medicated now and am doing a lot better with relationships. What I did was wrong, but it wasn't grooming. Grooming is a specific pattern of behavior in which the groomer manipulates someone into doing something for them or altering their moral code. You can call me a recovering abuser. Not a groomer. I will not let you or anyone else slip me back into the delusion that I'm destined for harm and nothing else.

#plus Cagney did some horrific shit too #harassing a CSA victim repeatedly and fakeclaiming their trauma #suibaiting and harassing others (allegedly. this is what she told me. she told me she send hate anons in the past.) #writing in profic elements in an RP and then turning around and calling ME gross for doing the same #ageism #making fun of myself and others behind our backs #pushing me into MULTIPLE psychotic breaks #and likely a bunch of other shit that i'm too deep in amnesia to remember #we are BOTH shitstains ok #that's my point

[corallapis]

what if torvic actually did drown him. and he first regenerated then, as a child.

#i'm putting together the fact that he's on his second body (at least) before he leaves gallifrey #+ his recklessness which sees him going through bodies exceedingly fast #+ his (seemingly paradoxical to the last point but actually not.) utter fear of death which drives him to cling to life #past the point of reason. #(like. i'm thinking abt one of the indicators of csa being the abused acting out sexually.) #the master #dw

[lunar-years]

thoughts on jamie’s relationship with alcohol growing up and then in adulthood? do you think tartt sr. forced him to drink?

I mean James was forcing him to go have sex, so yeah, i think forcing (" "intensely pressuring" ") Jamie to drink was absolutely a thing :( honestly if James Sr. didn't come into jamie's life until he was around ~12/13ish, I can absolutely imagine him deciding that taking his son out to the pubs would be a great way to "bond." pre-teen/young teen jamie being taunted and goaded into getting drunk for the first time by his dad and his dad mates is a sad scene that definitely lives somewhere in my brain. Jamie wouldn't really know how much is too much and then his dad would keep encouraging him to "keep up" with them by ordering him more rounds. Idk. it all makes me very sad.

In terms of how that affected Jamie's relationship with alcohol, I think when he was a teen he would've dealt with it like he deals with a lot of his abuse - writing it off as "not a big deal" and compartmentalizing the experience in his head. So when all his mates started drinking together, etc., I can definitely imagine Jamie bragging a bit like "Oh this is nothing," downing drinks to show off, that sort of thing. He cools that sort of behavior off quick though because he dislikes being that level of drunk.

As an adult, I think he leans pretty heavily on the "my body is a temple" elite footballer mentality as his reason for not drinking much. It partly is that and partly because again, he dislikes being truly drunk. But i imagine him as mostly a social drinker who enjoys occasionally getting tipsy but mostly keeps himself to a two drink maximum. that's why Roy regulating his drinking and occasionally granting him permission to have a single beer is so fun for him, lol.

#so i guess what im saying is i think he has a pretty healthy relationship to alcohol in adulthood #kind of like he has a pretty healthy relationship to sex #but it's also definitely been a James Sr. Thing in past #jamie tartt #ted lasso #asks #james tartt sr #tw abuse #csa mention

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

one of the worst things about the passing of time is processing the fact that what felt like just now is far away and gone forever

#vent #like everything feels like it just happened but its been years #actually traumatized #childhood trauma #online csa #ptsd #dissociation #actually abused #actually ptsd #online grooming #dpdr #memory #past

[warp--space]

Hey, so you blocked me before I could reply. Which good on you, glad people are learning how to do that. But I'm ALSO a CSA survivor and i'd been following you and also have had you reblogging posts of mine from my various blogs for over a year. I have no idea what abuse I'm romanticizing as my ship with All Might is very specifically non-abusive, unless you literally just mean the fact that he's older than me which.... Isn't abusive lmao. And it's kinda shitty to send another person a message like this when you really could have just blocked and unfollowed me without turning it into a moral debate. Because sending this message seems like performative bullshit to upset someone. We are now mutually blocking each other but I'm still kinda praying you see this so you can maybe learn from this to just... Not accuse CSA survivors of romanticizing abuse. Because that's kinda fucking shitty to do.

It's literally either the fact that he's older... or the fact that we have pet names that straight people use all the time without any issue... Or it's something homophobic/transphobic. And I hope I never find out which, since I used to think you were cool.

Have a great day I guess. Hopefully as far away from me as you can get, as you are now blocked on all of my blogs because even if this was a misunderstanding, I don't want to be near someone who announces their departure in a shitty way specifically designed to upset other people.

#no. im not naming names because im actually genuinely trying not to be an asshole. #but it has to be said how shitty it is when you accuse CSA survivors of romanticizing or condining abuse. #just praying that this isnt another homophobic asshole crawling out of the woodwork. #and on that note dont fucking send these messages to people just block and unfollow. its performative and shitty as hell. #i'd thought we were all past the 'pull the survivor card and announce unfollowing to make this other person feel/look shitty'. oh well. #rian posting #i invoke my favorite adage: 'have the type of day you deserve.'

[librarycards]

speaking of books, i'm just wondering if you've read the novel "pet" by akwaeke emezi? i'd be curious about your thoughts on it, both as a YA novel, and in terms of its understanding of utopia

spoilers below

i read it quite a while ago and didn't like it - i'm not fond of the ease and neatness of predator --> rehabilitation, esp. presented to young readers. the idea that a kid, with the help of a mythical being/divine intervention, is responsibilized in punishing a literal and figurative monster, feels so fucking off to me. what about the kids who will never get their justice, who will go through this alone? ugh. i hate this (ab)use of "utopia" as a space where Everything Works Out uwu, especially in such a brief book.

i'm a fan of emezi's work and emezi as a person. their books for adults have been excellent, as far as i've read them. i don't think they're good at writing for young readers, and that'd be the case even if i was fond of the message of the book: the pacing and tone were really inconsistent, and i was especially perplexed at the simultaneous precosity and childishness of a 16 year old MC. in terms of metatext, it has the distinction of being overly didactic and also, imo, insufficient in its political/pedagogical vision?

anyway, yeah. didn't like, but. still have the book and maybe need to reread it. if only for the cool eye melting scene.

#sadhoc #im making this unrebloggable bc of people being Like That but also bc it's just been a long time #and i don't know if i cosign all of past me's review opinions #ask #csa m