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#physical abuse mention
system-of-a-feather · 6 months
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For realsie though, I really wish I could look at the people who are diagnosed with DID and get upset at people "making it look like a fun disorder to have" with some level of sympathy or empathy, but I really honestly think that rhetoric is really honestly destructive as a means for self soothing and one I really just can't stand personally.
Like this disorder sucks ass and the reason it happened sucks ass and recovering with it sucks ass, but I don't see that rhetoric as any better than stating that "anyone who went through that could NEVER recover or live happy".
And I get where that comes from, I do, but at a certain point in trauma processing, stabilization and recovery, things start to click that trauma is over and PTSD inherently is referencing an event that has already passed. Trauma sucks. Severe chronic trauma SUCKS, but that's the past and - while its a LOT more difficult than it is to just say - that past REALLY doesn't have to define the present even a quarter as much as trauma makes it feel.
Of course, I understand and get those who feel like DID is horrible and a hell disorder - I 10000% understand that and its a valid feeling / opinion / statement to make, but to claim that it is impossible to have fun, be happy, and make casual content and just genuinely make the best out of a shit situation; or to claim that anyone with DID would be totally dysfunctional and miserable and unable to do XYZ - it's just... really self depricating and a huge negative self fulfilling prophecy don't you think? Also not to mention a LOT of projecting?
Other people don't deserve you forcing your self loathing and pain onto them. You are allowed to hate your situation, you are allowed to hate your disorder, you are allowed to feel and think and experience your experiences however you want, but a line is drawn when it comes to displacing that hatred, those feelings, those thoughts, and those experiences onto others and demand that they should meet your standards of misery.
I apologize, but I'm not going to pretend like DID stresses me out when I'm really not stressed by it anymore because most of our regular parts are actually decently connected and coordinated with one another. I'm not scared of them and they aren't scared of me. I'm not fighting them and they aren't fighting me. We got trauma but we also got, ya know, a life going and the trauma gets less and less prevalent and intrusive as time goes on so, life's honestly pretty lit and I really love to see other systems heading in that direction.
I think everyone should aim to be happy and at peace with their disorder. I don't understand, empathize, or support the idea that someone had to meet a standard of misery to be "real".
(TW: suicidal ideation and physical abuse mention)
If I take medication that makes it so I don't scrub my hands raw and have panic attacks over having not eaten a salad "recently" thus meaning I am going to rot from the inside out and die, does that mean I am faking having OCD? If I take medication and improve my life so that I only pluck my hair once a month, is my Trichitillomania faked? If I stop having suicidal ideation, does that mean I was faking being suicidal the whole time? If I stop having bruises, does that mean I faked being beaten as a kid?
(TW cleared)
Recovery and peace should and does not ever invalidate the truth of the pain suffered and the struggle overcome. Happiness and joy can co-exist with the truth of hurt, pain and suffering.
Trying to hold the two as mutually exclusive is a huge part of why a lot of people get stuck being miserable. If misery is vital for honoring your pain as real, it is very hard to let that go and let yourself be happy again, because if you are happy, what will attest to give your pain justice? But pain, justice, misery, and happiness - they can all co-exist and honestly, that's a really important thing to learn and understand in my healing journey as it really opens up doors to letting trauma go.
Your pain doesn't define your truth.
Your truth is your truth.
It will stay true regardless of if the pain persists or leaves.
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constrainedfun · 3 months
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Can you explain conditioning to us please? We've seen it mentioned a few times and we're currious about it vs programming /gen
conditioning, very simply, is behavior or thought modification. its an incredibly wide category, so itd be hard to narrow it down to specifics.
it can encompass "i burned my hand on the burner" > "so i wont put my hand there anymore."
it can encompass "my mom put me in the corner when i stole a cookie" > "so i wont steal cookies anymore."
it can encompass "my teacher hit me because i talked back" > "so i wont talk back in class anymore."
conditioning is a very normal part of life. it can be accidental, intentional, fully self-run, done by another person, abusive, non-abusive, helpful, detrimental, or any mix of these things.
the reason that its brought up in relation to tbmc + programming is because programming is based on the mechanisms of conditioning. programming is a very intense form of conditioning, where the methods of behavior modification are so extreme and so commonly reinforced it leads to a dissociated state to be formed in the person rather than a mere behavior/thought.
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prettyboyprincely · 1 month
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And, in a shocking turn of events, it turns out the “anti groomer” crowd is okay with child abuse, so long as it is a cis person doing it
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This is the world they want. A world where they can use violence to force children to conform to them.
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edoro · 1 year
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Belord au except during the nuclear apocalypse breakup fight, Ford just kinda. snatches Hunter and drags him off into the multiverse. sorry Philip, you’re a creepy abusive genocidal asshole, so now you get no brotherclone.
of course Hunter is incandescently furious and starts trying to fight Ford immediately, but he’s not stupid either - he’s going to realize pretty quickly that he’s now trapped somewhere where he doesn’t know the language, customs, geography, politics, currency, or anything, and more to the point, Ford is the one who knows about portals between realms, so Ford’s his only chance home.
so he becomes Ford’s extremely grudging Plucky Boy Sidekick - but of course, because Hunter is chronically starved for positive attention and just immediately pledges himself mind body and soul to any adult who is even vaguely nice to him
and while Ford is not exactly what i would call good with kids it’s more in the vein of not really knowing what’s appropriate to share with them or what are appropriate responsibilities to place on them - and actually this would suit Hunter just fine. Ford would probably end up treating him more or less like a somewhat smaller adult.
he’d definitely come to recognize and praise Hunter’s competence - his canonical survival and combat training skills would suit him very well as an interdimensional drifter, and i imagine he’d take pretty quickly to being taught the ins and outs of various cool scifi technologies, and as a lifelong resident of the Boiling Isles, i doubt he’d bat an eye at Ford’s penchant for combining supernatural bullshit and scifi bullshit.
and while Hunter’s still very mad at the guy and wanting to get home, well... it’s actually kind of nice to have his skills recognized and be taught how to do the things that he really seems to like doing, aka creating and repairing weapons/clothing/belongings, and Ford at least isn’t going to hit him or play weird mindgames all the time.
(which naturally leads us to imagining 1) Ford popping out into the basement of his old house in Oregon with a magic elf from another world in tow 2) what things must be like for whatever poor asshole Philip makes to replace Hunter)
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dyspunktional-revan · 4 months
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Get it into your fucking heads that there's no such thing as a harmless nonconsensual action. That is literally what harm fucking is, something occuring to an entity without their consent. You cannot fucking evaluate things on "well what matters is not consent but rather will there be harm and how much" because nonconsent. Is. Harm. And harm is nonconsent.
The basest abuser logic. "Well I am hitting my kid for their own good!" no, it doesn't fucking matter that "well obviously hitting kids is bad I'm actually evaluating harm here!" No, you are not doing anything different from that parent. I can barely believe that I’m seeing folkel who advocate with that rhetoric and believe themselves anti-abuse but here we are.
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coolerdracula · 7 months
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writing this system guide and including info about memory & emotion holding makes it seem so sad I need to include pictures of clowns or something so Frank doesn't get sad about it
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it’s not that obvious at first but there comes a point after so many people push you around in the halls, after so many people fucking step on you on purpose when you sit on the ground, after so many people yell at you to get out of the way when you’re not even in the way, that you realize everyone actually hates you.
Yeah. I’m “you” in this scenario.
And at this point I am more than aware that almost everyone at my school and almost everyone on my winter guard team would rather me be dead than be near them. I know I’m the worst. I’m autistic, I’m queer, I’m not conventionally attractive. All things they hate. And they make it very known that they hate people like me. They treat me like a disease to be eradicated or to not go near, they treat me like a pest that must be killed.
They hate me. And I hate them too, if I’m being honest. I hate everyone who has ever wronged me. That includes my entire family. Everyone at school every day who tries to harm me. My dad, who used to hit me and had made it so now I get scared whenever someone makes sudden movements around me. My mom, who tried to abandon me just because I was being “annoying” (I was having a meltdown). My sister, who hits me, throws things at me, and yells at me when my parents aren’t around. I hate all of them. Fuck whoever said hating people is wrong because I have a reason to hate these people. I can only just barely manage to pretend to like them.
Well, less about my feelings. It’s horrible at school. I’ll go into detail for this. I looked at someone and told him to shut up (they said a slur he was definitely not allowed to reclaim) and he laughed at me and asked why I was looking at him weird and made everyone laugh at me for trying to speak out. When I first came out as trans a group of girls would beat me against the fence when we were outside and shout political slogans and bible verses at me. One time a girl screamed the f slur into my ears so loud I couldn’t hear for a whole minute. Recently, they’ve started stepping on me, shoving me around everywhere, and challenging everything I say. They always either say I’m acting like a baby, that I am too sensitive, or that I should kill myself.
That last one hurts a lot, as someone who attempted suicide once.
When I do so much as walk they push me around, step on my feet, and try to trip me. One time a group of people shoved me against a table when I was walking in the cafeteria and then yelled at me for being in their way. I wasn’t.
A group of girls who I didn’t know confronted me in the bathroom and tried to tease me for being ugly. And probably for something else, too. Word travels fast around my school. There’s a whole drama TikTok account for my school and I am 100% sure that there is something about me on there. Because it’s not just people who know me who hate me. It’s everyone who sees me.
At some point I gave up fighting all this. I’m a freak or something. That’s what one of the girls who beat me against the fence said. Who knows if it’s true? The only thing I’ve gotten out of this is to trust no one and be as dramatic as possible. If I show my emotions so wildly they don’t approach me. I scream. I sob. I laugh like I’ve just heard the most funny joke in the world. I do that even if that’s not showing my actual emotions. It creates distance when it does work. Some people dislike me even more for it. Who cares? They already hate me.
Every friend I’ve ever had has left me because I’m just a magnet to hate and bullying and pain. I don’t care. Just don’t understand why they would become friends with me if they don’t like me.
I don’t care about anything about this anymore. Especially not everyone hating me.
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tadpoledancer · 6 months
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the length boomers will go to defend child abuse is insane. you could post a video of a kid getting hit in the head with rocks and you'll have 64 year olds named patty and sheryl in the comments saying shit like "kids these days are so soft, back in my day my dad strangled me if I didnt turn in my homework on time" or some shit
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one-abuse-survivor · 7 months
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first i want to say, i know you won’t be able to remember or find it because i didn’t sign it or anything, but a long time ago i vented to you about the abuse and trauma i was enduring, and i wanted to let you know that i’m in a much better state of mind now, and i’ve learned a lot of coping skills that have helped me emotionally regulate to the point i can function. thank you for listening to me during that time and being so supportive, it really helped a lot.
now comes a content warning: [mentions of abuse, physical assault, violence, rape]. i’d like to ask your thoughts on something new. i’m a young adult now, been one for years, i’m working on building my own life and everything, have a healthy romantic relationship now and all that. not everything is perfect, but things are pretty good compared to how it used to be. recently, i started having frequent vivid nightmares. it’s not just general scary stuff. i had a dream that a boy i’ve only talked to a few times raped me. he’s never done that in real life. the dream still felt real. i’ve had multiple nightmares about my dad physically and emotionally abusing me and my family. there’s lots of hitting. last night, i dreamt that he was physically assaulting us, and he even choked me out. i thought he was going to try to kill me. the dreams about my dad have relevance to real life, as he has abused us in real life, though not to the level of violence that my dreams have. i thought the nightmares might be part of trying to finally start to recover from long-term trauma. but some of the dreams don’t have anything to do with trauma i’ve endured. they’re always traumatic, but not trauma i’ve had in real life. i really don’t know what to think or to do. i’ve never had nightmares this bad before, not even in the midst of my real-life trauma. it makes it hard to sleep. i even feel afraid to sleep sometimes, like if one wakes me up in the middle of the night, i might try to stay awake because i’m afraid of what else i might experience when i fall back asleep. on one hand i want to know why i’m having so many so often, so that maybe i can use that information to help relieve myself of them. on the other, i want to know how to cope with them. i know they aren’t real, logically speaking, but i am having real, painful emotional and cognitive experiences, so the knowledge that it “isn’t real” doesn’t really help me. i wanted to ask your thoughts on this. thank you again for listening :) i hope you have a great day ♥️
Hi, nonnie! I might not know what your previous ask was, but I'm really glad to hear from you again and to hear you're doing well. I'm really glad to have been of help ❤️
The nightmares you've been having sound horrific, and I'm really sorry you're going through this :(
I can tell you that it's not uncommon to develop new symptoms of (C-)PTSD years after the traumatic events have stopped. So yes, the nightmares only recently starting up can be a PTSD symptom, even if they never happened during the time you went through the trauma. But I'm not a professional, and I can't really tell you why you're having them so often. I can theorise, and say that maybe as you've progressed in your recovery and have started to feel safe in your real life, your subconscious is feeding you horrible traumatic scenarios in an attempt to keep you prepared in case anything bad happens again, like it doesn't want to let its guard fully down yet. But that's just one possible reason this could be happening.
Also, although I've never had a phase of frequent nightmares as severe as yours, I have had many trauma nightmares over the years, and I've also dreamt about my mother doing things she never actually did in real life. So, you're not the only one! And I personally think it makes sense. Dreams aren't coherent or rational, and they naturally tend to mix reality with fiction, at least for me. So I personally don't worry too much about my trauma nightmares being an accurate reflection of the abuse I endured.
As for ways to cope with the nightmares, I'm afraid I also can't be of much help. I can tell you that certain habits can make us more prone to vividly experiencing/remembering our dreams. For example, if you consistently don't get enough sleep, your brain might sink directly into the deep sleep phase when you go to bed, and that can make you more aware of what you're dreaming. On a different note, one thing that used to help me years ago (not with nightmares, but with insomnia) was to fall asleep while reading the most boring books I could find, and not stop reading until I fell asleep. Maybe this could work as a distraction for you, to keep your mind away from replaying your previous nightmares in your mind as you fall asleep.
Is therapy an option for you currently? It sounds like a good therapist could give you some guidance on how to cope with the nightmares, and could also dig deeper into why this is happening and maybe give you some outlets or exercises to work through what's causing them.
I hope things get better soon. Sending all my support your way ❤️
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mathsbian · 1 year
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Those posts that are like “call us ex-Christians not culturally Christian” piss me off so much.
Why? I was raised Christian. Culturally Christian works for me very well as a term to describe how I was raised. I was raised with a Christian culture and community surrounding me, Christian beliefs and values spoon-fed to me from infancy.
But I didn’t ever choose to be a Christian child. I was FORCED into it. I’m not an “ex” Christian. I was never a real Christian in the first place! I was a brainwashed kid just doing what I was told so I wouldn’t get hit again! I never really believed any of it, especially once I started spotting the gaps between what is actually in the Bible and what my family and their church believes.
So no. You all are not speaking for all “ex-Christians” when you say that “ex-Christian” is automatically better as a term than culturally Christian. I was raised Christian and do not believe any of it, and never did. I am not “ex-Christian”.
(Ex-Christian also doesn’t include people who weren’t raised religiously but still have Christian values and Christian-adjacent beliefs because of cultural osmosis. Like if your parents were raised religiously but never took you to church? That’s also culturally Christian!)
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poisonedapples · 2 years
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The current mood is being Very emotional about foster au Virgil’s unhealthy relationship with violence. Virgil, who after years of finally being in a safe environment in Patton’s house, still desperately wants someone to hit him because it feels more natural to him. Virgil who still craves abuse because it’s familiar, where Patton’s “we can fix this and be happy” attitude still scares him sometimes. Just…Virgil who still struggles with the idea of safety
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system-of-a-feather · 2 years
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You know, it just occurred to me that a lot of people who meet our system and get to know us as parts, and even on this blog, probably assume I'm a protector of some sort, and I guess they wouldn't be wrong if we solely look at our functions, but I really don't consider myself one. I was reading @constellation-of-us post on protectors and it really took me a hot minute to realize that a lot of people would probably assume I'm that "big scary protector" for the system. I don't want to say I am 'immune' or that the post is wrong, cause its 1100% correct and we've seen it time and time again with our protectors that ID as protectors
But honestly, I really don't see myself as a protector really much at all. I don't intend to protect anyone in this system, I don't *do* defensive action, I don't *do* fixing, I don't even naturally really frequently consider the system beyond my own self. I've worked on that a shit ton and do keep a few mantras in mind to keep myself from being too aggressive to the point of massive self destruction of myself or the system. In a way, I guess I am "learning to be a protector" or some might call me a "missguided protector" or a "persecutor" which are terms I identify with more than "protector" but even those roles are more of a side effect and secondary to my main and initial function and why I'm here as a part.
I - as a part - have almost all my natural ways of existing and reasonings rooted in aggressive and offensive action. I'm not in love with martial arts because I want to "be able to protect myself or those I care about" it is so that "I am ready for when I get the opportunity to legally kick someone's ass" or so that if someone wants to try to jump us, I can make them eat shit for being a stupid fucking idiot. I'm not honing my skills so that "we can have a stable life and sense of security" it is so that I can dominate every environment I'm in and have reason and history to back that I am factually better than everyone else here and that I am the top dog.
As a result, the most proper term for me that I've identified with is "perpetrator" alter; though I personally HATE the term and the stigma that comes with it but I have yet to think of a better word for it (other than "piece of shit", mainly due to lack of trying though since my preferred role title is co-host / host). Cause my role is to be worse than our abusers and abuse our abusers into well, not abusing us. I originally and innately couldn't care less for the system - I'm not protecting them - but I also couldn't care less for the system - they're not relevant to me beyond being an obstacle I have to work around.
(Content Warning: Brief Physical Abuse Mention)
As a result, I don't really functionally ever "don't know what to do" or "are overloaded". Even in the peak of some of my worst shit as a part (am a trauma holder and one of the worst carriers of gender dysphoria) my trauma response isn't feeling trapped or shit cause as a part, if I feel trapped, I tear everything around me down until I'm not. If I'm going to die, then I might as well bear my fangs and tear at the thing trying to kill me. I don't really have the ability to feel oppressed or stuck, because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to basically beat our dad into frightful submission enough that he'd be too scared to be abusive to our family.
(Content Warning: Cleared)
And I am not saying this as a "oh Im so edgy" or as a "oh well Im a SUPERIOR protector" because fucking hell no. GOOD protectors should have a healthy level of fear and should have a healthy level of pulling back from an attack and going on the defensive / disengaging. What I have is also a trauma response and has caused a shit ton of problems as I've adjusted to being co-host plus it makes me absolutely unplattable to most people who don't have the patience to understand and acclimate to my acquired taste.
I'm saying this primarily cause "perpetrator" alters are too fucking demonized and shunned and written off as "not real because its a bad trope >:[" and put into a corner of uwu they're just more abusers cause there is the large tendency to continue the cycle of abuse when your trauma response it to abuser your abuser harder than they did you.
But anyways, I just had a few thoughts on the matter. This isn't meant to be this huge thing just a talking point I guess. Feel free to reblog or add your own thoughts but if you are gonna be a little bitch who goes on their high horse like the people who shun those with Cluster B or whatever, get the fuck off this blog. No one likes you anyways.
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nanlanmoarchived · 11 months
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alrighty, ending this Mother's Day with this note on Jess and her mom, Ellen's relationship:
The dynamic that Jessica grew up in was twofold--
First, she knew that she was an accident and the only reason her parents stayed together past graduation. This affected her in a couple of ways, primarily that she felt guilty for the trauma her mother endured at the hands of her father because her birth inexplicably tied her mother's fate to her father, and she understood that she was the reason her parents were never able to achieve the dreams they'd set for themselves before Ellen got pregnant. As such, Jessica sought out any way she could make herself useful and helpful around the house. Before Eden was born, Jessica would follow her mother around like a baby duck, helping (as best as a young child can) to fill in the gaps and earn praise. Once Eden was born this shifted to being a second mom. Jess was only five when Eden came into the world and was helping to feed, change, wash, and look after her sister 24/7. As the pair grew older, this shifted to putting herself into the line of fire to protect her sister from her father's ire.
Second, she knew that she was the only one with the backbone to fight her father. She'd witnessed her mom's abuse first hand from a young age and hadn't been protected by her when the abuse turned to her. When he started yelling at Eden and Ellen stayed quiet, Jessica realized that she wasn't going to protect her sister and it was at that point that Jessica decided that the shit stopped with her.
Both of these dynamics broke Jessica's relationship with her mom from an early age. Most importantly because Jessica cannot (and truly never will) understand why her mother never stood up for herself or for her girls. This grew a deep-seated anger in Jessica not only on behalf of her sister but on her own behalf as well. As she gets older, Jessica understands that it wasn't a weakness, but as a child into a young teenager, all Jessica wanted was someone to step in and keep her safe and she never received that (not even after being turned). In any verse where she is able to have a connection with her mom, Jessica chooses not to because she struggles to move past the anger she feels toward the woman. She hates that she feels the need to protect the person who should've protected her, so she opts to not interact with her. She doesn't wish her poorly, but she doesn't ever want to give her any of her successes after she managed to get out of the situation that she feels Ellen should've at least tried to get them out of.
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henriiiii-1001old · 1 year
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🖕 for AltThatcher from tmc unholy gift?
he mostly gets angry when things don't go his way or if he thinks abt thatcher or gabriel too much. he is a very power hungry guy who will do anything to keep it, especially in a desperate situation.
in terms of thatcher, if he squints he knows he'll never replace thatcher while he's still alive, so he'll sometimes try to soil thatcher's reputation. sometimes he lets all his anger out through murder, though that would be on the more extreme side for him.
in terms of gabriel, he's more mad at gabe for being the only person who holds more power than him. he tries so hard to keep his cool around gabe and try to act like the "obedient servant to the puppet master" while secretly plotting an overthrowing for his own benefit and no one else's.
he also got very prone to anger when he was with ruth. every time she'd try and be snarky with him or try to fight back, hell even talking about puppet being an alt, he just completely shuts down and tries to control the situation through gaslighting, guilt tripping, and even physical violence. he tries not to let it get to that point often even if that's his most effective (but not healthy) way to release his emotions because he doesnt want to push rth too far away from him or he'd lose his opportunity to have some control over things even if he doesnt take gabriel's or thatcher's place.
after ruth left, he basically went on a rampage, never being able to calm himself down for a good ass while because he let the one thing he could control get away, and even if he thought he manipulated her enough to force her to stay with him, she still chose to run away from him anyway. this just made him sort of spiral to a very big threat that he becomes near the end of the story.
he's even gotten mad at his own alt buddies (specifically tiffany who keeps pestering him abt how overthrowing gabe is a reeaaally bad idea), eventually scaring all of them off too, but they still reluctantly stick with him for most of the story because they're not supposed to feel any sort of human emotion, especially not fear.
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vampiirxblood · 1 year
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PTSD Trauma
This person really affected me, I suffer every day to find myself again, to be happy, to be okay. My ex physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me for five years. why did I stay? cause we have a son together.
The manipulation, gaslighting, and comfort that I was scared to leave. Though no one will really read this, While with this person last year was our last year, we were together and he slept with different girls while I would be at home, or work and taking care of the kids just trying to provide and on top going to college. We lived together for five years.
January couple days before my birthday we got into a fight. I shoved him for getting into my face and he slapped me so hard it cause force trauma that caused my left hear drum to blow out and I got vertigo for three weeks, he refused to take me to the hospital, this isn't the first slap either or the first hit.
Forward to February, I find cum stained shirts I asked my friend and he even said what it was, I confronted him about it and his response was it was Butter Milk, I knew well that Butter milk wouldn't of stained a shirt like that.
Forward to April, I thought we were okay but I was wrong, he was distant towards the end of the month, and I just kept begging him to respect me, to love me, and treat me right and I was just being ignored.
In May I saw his smart watch and I go through it, there were five different numbers and he was sexting these women during the times us being together when I would be asleep, or at work, even when I was in pain from suffering from sciatica. I called him that night as he was at work and the look on his face was like he was so tired of me. I was crying begging why would you do this you promised you wouldn't do this anymore. He said he had to go back to work and showed up at the house a couple mins later. I was crying on the floor and I asked why, he said the love for me died a while back and he said it with the coldest tone of voice. Keep in mind I was loyal to this person, loved him so much, and gave him my time, and attention. I would defend myself when he would come at me during a fight but never would abuse him. that was the day my heart broke but to find out it would break even more later that year.
I left to go be with my mom, with the kids in June. Towards the end of the month, I found out some girl was tagging him in relationship stuff over Facebook, I confronted her, and just said they were "JUST FRIENDS" I knew that was a lie, Her ex contacted me and told me she was in MY apartment, she claimed she didn't know it was bullshit. Me and her ex confronted my ex and he was just trying to call me left and right, making shit up about her.
I went back home a day later to confront him. I begged him to stop this shit with her but he was entertaining her and leading her on, He wouldn't stop and I was crying and told him to please block her. We argued for a couple good mins, he was threatening me he would end his life. Then I knew he turned around as I was facing him, He slapped me across the face. I got hit in the face over this girl. he left for a couple mins, and this girl messages me and tells me I deserved it because I scratched him in the face, Reason I did that was this person pinned me down and was manhandling me and I wanted him to stop. She was so two-faced, whore, and a homewrecker.
After all this chaos, CPS was involved and my kids told them he was the one that slapped me and was labeled as the perpetrator and was forced to leave, I kicked him out of the apartment a month later because of this chick. He was begging my brother and his bf to talk to me not to kick him out and he was scared.
I tried to move on and he would make me feel like shit for it. But I still tried anyway but found out I couldn't date anyone and I was still wanting him back. I wanted him to come back and fix it but he didn't. He went about his life and messed around with other people and had girlfriends, but still messing with my mind over shit. I don't know why I wanted him back but I did.
Flash forward to me moving out of the apartment in December, and I get a call from his first Baby Mama. She opens up and tells me so much shit about him and that he was making me sound like this bad person when it was the other way around. Then tells me this chick this person who was so eager to take him, was pregnant and pinned it on my ex. He tells me He did not know, but he knew and they had the baby which looks nothing like him at all. Then on Fb, they put they had been engaged since April of 2022?
we were together then and she was with some other guy.
This is my story and it still goes on and it's fucked up. I didn't deserve any of this and I am still having a hard time.
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sneakerdoodle · 2 years
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i've seen the "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result" take at least twice so far in relation to Belos, and i just feel like that's... not... a good sentiment to bring up and entertain... the label of "insanity" is ableist to begin with, and giving such a narrow reductionist definition to the broad spectrum of all the possible mental conditions is just not... accurate? and ALL of that aside, i feel like that straight up does not apply to Belos at all, and overshadows what is ACTUALLY disturbing and unsettling about him and the whole Golden Guard charade
Belos is not obsessively repeating the Exact same action, incapable of processing its outcome and the rational reasons as to why doing Y leads to Z. he certainly has a filter he perceives the world through, that makes him incapable of seeing things the way the protagonist and the audience do - but that filter is prejudice and hatred, not delusion or psychosis or "insanity"
and when it comes to the Guards, it is literally not consistent with his own statements to claim that his constant attempts to recreate and control his brother are obsessive beyond reason. Belos' obsession is scary because it is calculated and stubborn. he tries the same thing - but through different means, working out all the quirks of his technique, perfecting it until he gets the response he desires. he underlines that when talking about Hunter with The Collector: tell the boy the Titan has great plans for him, and he does what he's told, unlike the previous attempts. Belos analyzes his every failed experiment, and tries something different next time; he is using each one to figure out the best way to manipulate his creation
the man is still fucking unhinged, what with cutting glyphs into his body and not flinching as he leads two other sentient beings to their deaths in sacrifice to his cause, and repeatedly rewriting his brother's entire existence to serve his goals and narrative. i feel Belos isn't all cold calculations and isn't all unrestrained self-indulgent violence, both seem to be present in a pretty terrifying combination. we see it in Hunter, who is abused emotionally and psychologically as well as physically. the scary thing about Belos is his deep-running hatred and self-righteousness, how much he revels in the power he gains over others, psychological AND physical (mocking Luz over successfully fulling her in the same episode he celebrates the physical ability consuming the Palismen souls has given him)
and the Grimwalkers are another expression of his devoted, obsessive strife for power: he destroys a life and creates it anew, wipes the slate clean and tries a new approach, in an endless search of a way to finally gain full control over it, over the other's mind and perception and actions. he isn't just taking the same path over and over again; for centuries, he's been charting course after course, seeing how things go if he tries this or that. the abuse and manipulation Hunter's been subjected to were probably rehearsed and polished and refined through all the previous, less "successful" attempts
tl;dr the "insanity" formula is quite openly ableist, someone being in a state where they cannot process the outcome of their actions isn't ~spooky scary unsettling~, mental illness is many living people's reality, not a hypothetical horror trope. imo what's REALLY scary instead is a guy being so full of hatred and/or prejudice he refuses to consider another's humanity, which is very commonplace with how some treat neurodivergent people I'm Just Saying. what's scary is a man who is very much aware of where his manipulation attempts fell short, endlessly committed to figuring out the BEST way to force his will onto others and the world around him
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