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Why can’t I see the big picture?

the biggest picture, the one where

all the failures add up to something

wonderful and unexpected, where

the long and painful journey ends

with some grand revelation that

wipes clean all the filth and worry

of decades of unfulfilled dreams.

I just want a glimpse, to see if all

my disappointments are worth it,

and maybe then my steps will be

lighter; but we all know it doesn’t

work that way; faith is an invisible

thing that fashions its geometry out

of heartache and tears and holds no

promises beyond the present tense.

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Ive got Jameson on my lips

Do you want the taste of me?

Mixed with lust and irish whiskey

3 fingers and 3 ice cubes

Do what you will with that

Do you want the feel of me?

Wetness on my lips

You can choose which place you kiss

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Why waste away

When you can drown yourself in resin

Bury yourself in amber

Stay still, stay quiet, you have no need to feel anything anymore

Encased in your final resting place

Become forgotten, become lost, and one day, be found

Let them study you

Let them examine you

And they will remark upon how well you’ve been preserved

They will say things like ‘Perfect’

And ‘Flawless’

And you will know you made the right decision

Because why waste away from your emotions

When you have the option to feel nothing at all

When you can become something harder than stone

An individual immune to emotion

Why continue down this flawed path

When you can already see the end

And the end is ugly?

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I met you
At the ripe age of six.
Or maybe it was seven.
Time has blurred itself.

It was the most whimsical friendship.
Neighbouring houses filled with giggles
And laughter and smiles and childish joy
For three uninterrupted months.

It was a short lived friendship too.

You left after your grandfather’s funeral
Moving to the states
Moving to your home
Moving far away from me.

We promised to keep in touch
But we didn’t talk until four years later
On a lonely night
When I was tired of the dreams
Escaping my frail grasp.

I missed you.

So with my fingers flitting across
The white phone screen
I composed note
And before I could stop myself
I sent it
To you.

‘Do I know you?’
You responded.

You did once.
I want you to know me
Once more.

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Give you it all

Id give you anything if i could

I know i should

Id give you the last dollar i had

Is that bad?

Id give you my shirt

Even if i means i get hurt

Id give you all the hugs

Keep away all the bugs

Id give you all the love

I would go above

Id give you the beyond

Or id jump in a pond

I know this makes no sense

And i mean no offense

But id give you i love yous

And the i dos

Id give you the safety

Dont be too hasty

Id give you anything

The bling

A fling

I could be your king

I could give you a ring

But you won’t stay

No more than a day

Because i can’t give you everything

I couldn’t give you a ring (yet)

I couldn’t give you

The i do

Or the i love you

I can’t give you the hugs

And im terrified of bugs

And id get hurt

Without my shirt

And jumping in a pond

To go beyond

I know it makes no sense

But in my defense

Id give you anything if i could

And i would and should

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You are deep

in my bones,

in every breath,

my very blood,

right here,

in this death


room, head

so high in

the clouds.

So strange

it is,

to think that

the people

you’d die for

aren’t more than


that they lie,

that we both lie,

hand in hand,

just waiting

on the end

of the whole



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He’s got eyes like a hurricane. Dark blue and all-consuming. A constant temptation, luring men and angels to their watery graves. Those were eyes that sunk ships and caused calamity on the shores.

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Lay on the grass,

Sit on a roof,

Watch the sky.


Stare up on a clear night.

Look at the stars.

See their stories,

Listen to their adventures.


Find yourself within them.

In their different perspectives.

Within each unique tale.


You see,

They share them willingly.

Unlike you or me.

They are in the open,

No secrets or shadows.


The constellations,

Above us at night.

Project fables and truths,

To anyone willing to listen.


Stay with me tonight,

Let’s lay beneath the stars.

Show me,

Your favorite constellations.

The stories you are drawn to.


I’ll share ones I made up.


I believe,

Souls come from dying stars,

Bound only by invisible strings.

They’re drawn to each other,

From across galaxies.

To meet at last and

Fall in love.


This is as close,

To space as we get.


Will our souls meet?

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cotton candy for the soul -
ethereal, sweet & transient…

eaten with eyes and ears -
smell’s but a tertiary factor
in all of this,
since we’re counting

scripture is as scripture does,
& the rapture’s revealed
on page sixty-two
of the scrolling sheet of
glass-ensconsed gravitas.

the year 2048 is when
it’s estimated we run out of
oil, organic food, faith in the founding fathers;
oh -  & Medicare too.

right now,
atheists & agnostics outnumber
the rule-of-thumb righteous among us
& to my knowledge
their credo has always been

that the cosmos is queen or king
& we’re just here - harrowingly -
so let’s just stiffen our upper lips
& plow through the muck,

no judgements, no regrets,
no entanglements for goodness sake.

…a freedom to.

sake is as apt as is holy water;
has a greater kick, should you guzzle
instead of sipping, all things considered

other strong drink gains one
an inch or two of psychic headspace,
but the attendant hangover gives it all back,
unlike meditation,
they say.

third person’s voice
is almost always preferable when
conveying discomforting news,
research has shown

thus, i need to remove
all traces of you, me, we & us
from this poem, i think

& leave the rest of ‘it’,
the future

to 'them’.
9/19 - lebuc - the future

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People would kill to be in my place.

In love, with someone by my side;

but it still feels like I’m pulling a face.

I still feel like I should hide.

Maybe I just need some space?

I can’t count how many times I’ve cried.

My life’s going in a rocky pace,

even if my tears have dried.

It feels like a race,

without any guide.

Running, looking for a base,

yet it tugs me because I’m tied;

and on my wrist, a trace,

though i brush it aside.



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September 21st, 201(8)(9)

It’s been some time since the last time

The last time She played a little too much

The last time She felt so desperate to get out

When I say “some time”; I mean all time feels the same

All pain passes the same

Drags on the same

She would tell you it’s okay

She would apologize for worrying you

That night must’ve felt unreal

One moment it’s okay, everything is okay

Then the next breath taken feels more like a helpless gasp

She needed a way out

She knew She was stuck here on a cursed earth

She couldn’t take it

Would you be the same?

Take 1? 2? 5?

Not sure if it’s luck, if it’s fate

All She needed was help

Do you remember Her begging to go to the hospital?

Do you remember blaming Her for triggering you?

Do you remember putting Her life at stake for your own benefit?

Do you fucking remember?

When I say “some time” I mean it has been one year

But somethings don’t need an anniversary

Somethings don’t really deserve one

Sometimes She dreams of the night that was almost Her last

Her thoughts linger everyday, and that’s okay

But that’s what She wants to tell you, yeah?

This is the part of the poem where I’m supposed to tell you that







This is the part that I tell you I’m better and will never be in that horrid place ever again


This does not need to be that poem

I don’t need to reassure anyone but myself, and I am still practicing that

And as for you

You are not forgiven

You destroyed me for your own good

You were willing to let me die

I will always be Her

Nothing will take my past away

It has been one year now since my last suicide attempt

That’s not the typical thing a 20 year old girl brags about

It’s not a great dinner conversation, not something to put on my resume

I’m still trying to grasp it

But I will always be Her

-It might not need an anniversary but She is celebrating anyways

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