i’ve always hated this goddamn town.
filled with know-it-all freaks and hard r’s and acres and acres of endless corn
stretching out into oblivion like the seaside rendezvous i never earned
stinking of the shame of indifference rather than that sweet sea salt breeze living in my
half-baked memories, reconstructed like trying to shape taffy sat too long in the sun.
the town has always housed the worst kind of people- the uppity kind that have too much time on their hands and absolutely nothing in their brains but their own opinions.
so small minded so little to do everything is small the views are few and far between and there has never been a bike path connecting my neighborhood to the rest of town until this year as if i always had to work a little bit harder to get where i needed to go as if the town itself was rejecting me for resenting it and all that it stands for.
when someone asks me what i do for fun i imagine travel. i daydream daily, and i have always hated, hated, hated this town, this state, this region, this life.
i shriek and shrink away from any kind of pride i hope and pray that no one ever asks me where i am from because everything is so useless here so passive aggressive all “are you sure about that”s and ignoring you in classes who gives a rat’s ass about popularity all i ever asked for was friends but i hold them all to an impossibly cool standard as if i need the best backdrop for my shitty sleepovers as if i will ever be able to grasp at importance like the straw littering my town even with a ten foot pole in the greatest city in the world my goals are unattainable.
but when i stood at that podium.
when i walked out of that stadium.
i left a piece of myself behind.
i was crushed when i found out this state had its clutches in me for four more years, even when i hung my hopes on the thought of leaving to prevent myself from hanging my body.
some of the people there that day i will never see again. kindergarten kids. friends and familiar faces that i will never have again. i spent so long wishing a way out that i didn’t bother appreciating what i have around me until now.
college isn’t “embarking on a new journey”.
it’s a pit stop on the way to a better personality.
i hate this town. everyone else does, too.
i wanted to be anywhere else.
but now it’s like-
it’s stuck in my head.
every passing view, every shared joke, every ocean of stupid fucking corn i pass-
it’s all mine.
i don’t know if i’m ready to let it all go.
I don’t think bravery is a choice because if it was that easy we’d all choose it. Bravery is not giving up. Bravery is having hope, it’s holding on and knowing when to let go. Bravery is believing, bravery might just be the tiny voice that says I’m going to try. Bravery is I will do this.
It has been so many days now, where my time has been taken up my empty quotation marks. They are blank, empty spaces with amorphous voices, sometimes murmuring low and sometimes visceral high voices, turning round and round.. An indefinate hum..
When do I escape this? Just a crack and I could jump out