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frameacloud · 5 months

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"Manipulative and Toxic Behaviors Around Noemata and Sourcemates: Patterns of being manipulative in regard to their and other’s noemata (‘kin memories’), source, or ‘canonmates’. [For example:]

"The pattern of someone conveniently having or gaining headmates, kintypes, or noemata that match yours, especially if they claim to be ‘your version’. A type of ‘we are specially connected so you can trust me’ gambit.

"Claiming to have known other people in a past life, often out of the blue and without much evidence they seem to be basing this claim on.

"Claiming they can scry for or otherwise tell someone their kintypes or help them recover noemata. Especially if they don’t know who they are doing this for very well or if they request the person does something for them.

"Frequent ‘sourcemate seeking’, wherein they are looking for ‘their x’ a lot and often have a pattern of making friends with every alterhuman with that kintype and then later ‘dropping’ them.

"Insisting on recreating the dynamics of a relationship (positive or negative) from a source or past life once more despite having just met them recently. Especially if it seems to be solely based on this connection instead of current chemistry.

"Making moral judgements based on alterhuman identity or noemata (ex- claiming that all villain fictionkind are inherently bad people).

"Inability to draw boundaries between them and their source material such as policing or otherwise attacking fandom on what headcanons, aus, or ships are ‘allowed’ of their kintype, or otherwise claiming malicious intent of anyone who views their fictional source differently from them. Insisting fandom has to listen to the because they are ‘the real x’."

- Excerpt from "Safety in Alterhuman Spaces," a document by the Dragonheart Collective, page 14. You can read the whole document here (PDF).

#rated G #fictionkin #noemata #otherkin #alterhuman #fictionfolk #reincarnation #community safety #abuse #relationship abuse #harassment #the Dragonheart Collective #quote #internet safety #queue

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bpdohwhatajoy · 2 months

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Nah because no one understands the pain and agony and deep anger that comes from seeing happy families who love and are accepting towards their kids and happy couples when all you’ve known in those two areas is abuse.

#ryan.txt #bpd #borderline personality disorder #cptsd #childhood trauma #relationship abuse #anger #ptsd #trauma #traumatized #angry angry angry

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alpaca-clouds · 7 months

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What I beg people to understand about abuse

You know, what I really want to talk about once, is the one thing people seemingly just do not want to understand about abuse and abusive relationships:

The abuser does usually not understand themselves as an abuser, nor does the abuser act in full knowledge of their abuse.

If an abuser is gaslighting someone, they usually do not do that in a calculated kind of way. Often enough they kinda do believe their version of events. They do not do it thinking to themselves: "Ha, if I question my victim long enough, they will no longer believe their understanding of reality."

Of if the cycle of abuse is happening (you know, with abuse being followed by a honeymoon phase) they sually do not do that under the thought of: "I need them to keep attached to me." But they genuinely will feel sorry.

Because here is the thing: A lot of abusers do believe they love their victim. Be it a romantic partner or maybe a child. They do think they love them.

My narcissistic mother was very, very convinced that she loved me. I was literally the center of her life. Which is why nobody, who knew my mother well, believed me about the abuse. Because how could she abuse me, if she loved me like that? I, of course, know, that she loved less me than the version of me in her head and needed me to become that version, abusing me whenever I was not that version.

But she herself was convinced she loved me.

I also do understand how she got that way. She was born just as WWII ended and suffered a lot in her childhood. She got messed up through all of that and it was not her fault. But it was not my fault either, you know?

I am saying this, because I have heard too many people argue about fictional abuse in media on the basis that the abuser loves the victim. Or that the abuser has this super tragic backstory. But here is the thing: Neither does make the abuse not true.

But also, the side who argues about fictional abuse as if the abuser is this mustache twirling villain... They do not get it either. Because that is not really now abusers work. Sure, there are some abusers like that. But most of the time... abusers really just are very mentally unwell people, who need therapy and help. From professionals, mind you. Not from their victim.

#rant #rant post #abuse #tw abuse #child abuse #relationship abuse

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aronarchy · 1 year

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“Why Don’t They Just Leave?”: Entrapment as the Context of Abuse

When faced with the stories of physical and sexual violence, manipulation, gaslighting, and coercion that survivors tell from their experiences within abusive relationships, many people’s first question frequently seems to be “why didn’t they just leave?” And, indeed, with a limited understanding of the overall context that forms abuse, victims remaining with their abusers seems unimaginable. After all, if someone walked up to you on the street and called you a worthless piece of garbage, or slapped you in the face, you would not be inclined to share their company any further, so why do abuse victims appear to accept horrific treatment time and time again without leaving?

At root of this question is a fundamental misunderstanding of abuse that we must correct before we explore any further. Abuse is not determined by individual instances of violence or toxic behavior, nor do individual instances of violence or toxic behavior automatically mean abuse. Abuse is not simply whenever someone insults you or treats you badly: it is a broader relational context that limits your ability to resist, challenge, or leave someone who treats you badly. Many people understand abuse as the more extreme, individual incidents of violent behavior they tend to hear more about, but it is, in reality, the context of entrapment, in which the victim’s agency and autonomy are reduced, constrained, and coopted in order to empower the abuser that forms an abusive relationship.

An abuser is not comparable to a stranger who walks up to you and insults you or slaps you in the face, even if their apparent behavior in a particular moment is the same, and the options available to you in the moment of your assault are not the same as the options available to an abuse victim. The stranger does not know you, has no means to compel you to remain for another slap, and has little power to control your reaction to them. The abuser knows their victim on an intimate level, often has buy-in and often even significant trust and rapport with their victim’s friends, family, and/or workplace. They know where they live, and may even live in the same place. They know their insecurities. They know their vulnerabilities and how to leverage them. They often do not start the relationship with a slap as the stranger did, but instead build (often at a rapid pace) connection and dependencies with their victim before slowly introducing more overt tactics of control that they then use the existence of prior moments of connection to excuse and justify.

In his book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women In Personal Life, Evan Stark defines abuse not as individual incidents of violence, but as a system of coercive control more akin to prolonged attacks on liberty (like kidnapping and hostage taking) than it is to other incidents of physical assault: “The most important anomalous evidence indicates that violence in abusive relationships is ongoing rather than episodic, that its effects are cumulative rather than incident-specific, and that the harms it causes are more readily explained by these factors than by its severity” (13). The stories of abusive violence that emotionally rock you and lead you to ask “why would anyone stay after that?!” are certainly a feature of the abusive context, but as long as you remain focused only on them you will remain unable to find the answer to your question.

Put simply: not being able to leave an abusive relationship is a symptom of being in an abusive relationship, not its cause. An abuse victim is not continuing to experience abuse because they refuse to leave, the abuse is creating a context in which the victim unable to leave. There are various tactics, overt and covert, that can come together to create this context—emotional manipulation, physical intimidation, social isolation, financial control, control over children, control over housing, weaponization of the State (ex: threats to report an undocumented victim to ICE), etc.—and which ones are used frequently and which ones do not even play a role is unique to both the abuser and their victim. This is why understanding abuse as an overarching context of entrapment is vital to understanding the situation abuse victims find themselves captured within.

Additionally, it is important to recognize that not only is leaving an abuser an extremely difficult task (it takes, on average, 7 attempts for abuse victims to leave their abuser and remain separated from them) but it is also a highly dangerous one. Of abuse victims who are murdered by their partners, up to 75% of them are murdered at or after the moment they leave the relationship. Abusers seek to gain and maintain control over their victims, and when they see their victim attempting to escape that control, their response is frequently deadly. “Just leaving” is very rarely as simple, or as safe, as outside observers would like to believe.

Asking “if they’re being abused why don’t they just leave?” assumes that there is another reason, usually some personal failing, that causes the victim to stay in an abusive relationship, but the actual answer to that question is “they don’t leave because they are being abused.” Indeed, it may be far more productive to begin asking why the abuser doesn’t leave or allow their victims to leave, because the answer to that question has a much greater capacity to shed light on the abusive context as a whole.

The abuser doesn’t leave, or allow their victims to leave, because they are personally empowered by the abusive context. They mobilize all the resources and strategies at their disposal to maintain coercive control over their victims because doing so allows them to extract value for themselves (whether that value is emotional support, sexual satisfaction, domestic labor, or simply the gratification of having power over another person) from their victim at the expense of their victim’s autonomy. They use their intimate knowledge of their victim, outside cooperation of family, friends, and coworkers, whatever privileges given to them by larger social systems, and control over material resources to steal that victim’s agency.

Situations of abuse are situations of entrapment. Victims of abuse have their ability to act reduced, constrained, and coopted by their abuser. It is not a matter of choice, it is a matter of domination and control that is compounded by a larger system that both justifies it and supplies structures that make it possible.

Sources:

“DV Facts & Stats.” RESPOND Inc., https://www.respondinc.org/dv-facts-stats.

“Private Violence: Up to 75% of Abused Women Who Are Murdered Are Killed after They Leave Their Partners.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 20 Oct. 2014, https://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/oct/20/domestic-private-violence-women-men-abuse-hbo-ray-rice.

Stark, Evan. Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press, 2009.

#repost of someone else’s content #article #butchanarchy #101 #relationship abuse #intimate partner abuse #domestic abuse #coercion #coercive control #misogyny #femicide #patriarchy

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shirebarbie · 10 months

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recovering from abusive relationships sometimes looks like being proud of yourself for getting better, for not wanting that person anymore in any way, eating better, sleeping better, not having random heart palpitations

but it also looks like waking up nauseous on a random morning because your brain unblocked a traumatic memory that it had buried, it looks like being unable to talk about some aspects of your life and maybe never openly addressing them, it looks like feeling judged by people for not doing things differently while you had bad things done to you and couldn't speak up to anyone, it looks like being angry at yourself for letting someone treat you that way and feeling like you wasted time

but what matters is not being there anymore and knowing that you're able to do better now

#tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #Relationship abuse #abuse recovery #Personal #Emotional abuse

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galahadwilder · 11 months

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MILDRED JUST ADMITTED TO A FELONY ON-CAMERA

Like the physical abuse is awful yes but she also she CLAIMED TO HAVE OPENED TIFF’S MAIL??? That’s a fucking federal crime???

#the ultimatum queer love #the ultimatum #original content #abuse #abusive relationship #relationship abuse

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joy-haver · 2 years

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The “traumatized person who refuses to deal with their issues enough to be in community with people”

“Abuser who targets people they can easily manipulate”

Pipeline is incredibly common.

It’s the cycle of abuse. I’ve watched former friends slowly become exactly like their abusers after they drcide that they don’t have to grow, and that their trauma means people owe it to them to meet all of their needs, but they don’t owe it others to do the same.

Your trauma does not justify you abusing people.

Your trauma does not make it okay for you to take advantage of other people.

Being a victim of abuse doesn’t make you some paragon of moral virtue who can do no wrong. One day you will have power over someone. Don’t use that power to comfort yourself, or you will hurt them.

Please, I am begging you, work through your shit.

Break the cycle.

#text post #trauma #ptsd #restorative justice #relationship anarchy #abuse #relationship abuse

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babyspacebatclone · 8 months

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I’m going to go into more detail about this entire sequence in a bit, but I have to rant about this line specifically.

“Adora chose Shadow Weaver, okay? Not me!”

Why am so I angry???

This is never addressed in canon.

Never.

Episode 51 of 52, and Catra still thinks the only people that can possibly matter to Adora are Adora, Catra, and Shadow Weaver.

I’m not saying there aren’t reasons why Catra feels this way, legitimate reasons based on her own trauma because of SW.

I’m not saying this scene couldn’t have been used to actually develop Catra’s healing past this trauma and her 50+ episode unhealthy obsession with Shadow Weaver’s approval*.

But it wasn’t.

Season 5, to the last minute, never makes Catra understand Adora has moved past Shadow Weaver.

Adora. Chose.

Adora made a decision, independent of a reliance on Shadow Weaver.

Was it the best decision? Given every single piece of information they had at that time, Yes.

Was it a healthy decision for Adora? Of course not, and Mara calls her out on it.

But Catra flip flops throughout this scene, revealing her anger is not about Adora making an unhealthy choice.

So, Catra, did she make a choice or not??

Are you angry that Adora is pressured into sacrificing herself?

Or are you angry that Adora hasn’t put your feelings above everything else??

And again: Never called out.

Catra is never shown to understand all of this is independent of Adora’s feelings about Catra.

In canon, Catra never proves she understand Adora has a right to make decisions without thinking about what Catra wants first.

How?

How was this allowed to be the final script???

* Footnote: Shadow Weaver was her maternal figure, Catra wanting SW’s approval is understandable, but after some point in the 4+ years of in-universe runtime and all of SW’s actions, a healthy Catra means moving past SW beyond “This isn't about you and your messed-up power trip anymore,” and canon sure never gave the viewers or Catra that.

#salt #rage #relationship abuse #domestic abuse #tw domestic abuse #this is the definition of abuse #your significance other #can make choices #outside of their relationship to you #i don’t care if you have trauma-based reasons #for feeling otherwise #it still makes you an -abuser-#to hold your significant other to that standard

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