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ghosttotheparty · 3 years

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say my name and say it twice (cotton candy skies)

31. also on AO3 chapter thirty

Jens wakes up in the dark to the sound of his phone buzzing and chiming. Lucas moves when the sound fills the room, taking in a breath and exhaling as Jens moves away from him, careful not to tug the blankets off of Lucas’s body. The alarm stops when Jens taps the screen of his phone and Lucas nuzzles his face into the pillow, the hood that covers his curls hiding his face slightly.

Jens smiles softly at him, holding back from pushing the hood away, and slowly gets up from the bed, gently placing the blankets next to Lucas, listening to his quiet huffs of breath and the muffled sounds of the city waking up outside, some cars, some voices.

When he comes back from brushing his teeth in the bathroom, he catches Zoë in the hallway. He’s never seen her this early in the morning; even during the beach trip he’d only happened to see her around ten in the morning when everyone else had woken up and gotten dressed, when Zoë has put on her mascara and blush and lipstick, and whatever she put on that Jens doesn’t know about. Even in the dim light of the hallway, he can see that her bare face is quite lovely.

“Good morning,” she whispers as he slips halfway into Lucas’s room, and he waves before she disappears into the dark in the direction of her room. It’s dim in Lucas’s room, but light even for Jens to see without turning on the light. He doesn’t change his pants, staying in the same sweatpants that he put on yesterday after ballet, grey with rolled cuffs and pockets, and then he catches sight of a hoodie tossed onto Lucas’s desk chair. Even in the dark, he recognizes it, a soft pastel purple hoodie that is too big on Lucas, probably a perfect fit for Jens. It has old paint stains, varying shades of browns and reds, on the lower sleeves and on the lower hem, which Jens assumes are from Lucas absentmindedly wiping paint-covered fingers on the fabric, or leaning over a canvas and resting an arm on it.

As he’s pulling it on over the long sleeve t-shirt he slept in, he hears a quiet, muffled noise, and he turns, pulling the hoodie over his face. Lucas is watching him, his face half-covered by the blanket, but Jens can see that he’s smiling from the way his eyes are squinted, the corners crinkling with suppressed laughter.

“What?” Jens says quietly, trying not to laugh back.

“You’re stealing from me?”

“Yeah,” Jens says, nodding, raising an eyebrow. Obviously. He adjusts the hem on his waist. He was right. It fits perfectly. He steps closer to the bed and Lucas lowers the blanket, revealing his smile (Jens’s heart swells), lifting his chin slightly. Jens falls to his knees next to the bed, resting his forearms on the edge of it and leaning over until their lips press together. Lucas’s fingers twist Jens’s hair and he sighs and Jens bites his lip gently.

When they pull back, Jens touches his face, brushing over his cheekbones before resting on his chin.

“You’re talking to the guys today, right?” Lucas asks quietly, and Jens nods, taking a deep breath.

“Yeah. And I think I’m gonna come out to the girls too. I’m walking with Zoë so… Might as well.”

“If you want to,” Lucas whispers, smiling as he pulls Jens in for another kiss.

“Hey,” Jens says softly when he pulls away again, looking at Lucas, who hums sleepily. “Do you wanna tell Milan?”

Lucas snorts, arching his back to stretch.

“Do I wanna ask Milan…” he repeats sarcastically.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“He’s gonna lose his shit,” Lucas says, holding back a giggle, playing with Jens’s hair as Jens rests his chin on his forearms. Jens furrows his brows, smiling. “I told him I have a crush on you,” Lucas explains, and Jens’s smile grows until his eyes almost disappear.

“You’ll have to tell him that we met before that get-together here,” Jens says.

“I will,” Lucas reassures him, and pulls him in once again, tugging at his hair. Jens smiles as their mouths meet, letting Lucas’s tongue in, letting Lucas bite down on his lip softly, lazily.

From the hallway, from the door that Jens left cracked open, Zoë’s voice calls quietly, “Jens! Time to go!” and Lucas groans quietly as Jens kisses him once more before standing.

“Text me how it goes?” Lucas asks, his words slurring slightly, and Jens nods.

“Text me how Milan reacts?”

Lucas’s eyes drift shut as he chuckles almost silently.

“Of course.”

“Okay. I have practice again today but I’ll call you tonight.”

“Mm. Good luck, baby,” Lucas mumbles.

Jens grabs his bags from the floor at the foot of Lucas’s bed, swinging his backpack on before sliding the strap of his ballet bag around his shoulders.

“I love you,” he says as he steps out the door, and he smiles when he hears a quiet, incomprehensible mumble in response. He lifts his head when he shuts the door, with both hands, as quiet as possible, and sees Zoë standing at the front door, holding it open with her foot, looking at him fondly. His face burns and he starts toward her but she lifts a hand, holding a granola bar.

“Catch.”

He does, fumbling with it before catching it in the air by his knees, and Zoë claps a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide and grinning.

---

“So,” Zoë says as they head down the sidewalk. “How long have you guys been together?”

Jens sighs, feeling the chill of the brisk air in his lungs, and furrows his brows, smiling, as he thinks, looking up at the lightening sky.

“Uhm… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Zoë repeats, turning to look at him as they pass a telephone pole. She stumbles slightly, the rubber of her sneakers catching on the rough gravel, and he reaches out with an arm as they both laugh at the absurdity. She grabs his arm, hooking her hand on his elbow, and continues giggling, shaking her head.

“How on earth can you not know?”

Jens reaches around and grabs his ballet bag, moving it so it’s behind his body, so she has room to walk by his side without the bag bumping her with every step.

“You know, it was really unclear.”

“You getting together?”

“Yeah,” he says, glancing down at her as they cross the street. “I don’t know when exactly it happened, but.... Maybe a few weeks ago?”

She shakes her head again, smiling.

“How did you guys meet?” she asks after a few seconds.

“You know what…” He bumps his shoulder into hers and she adjusts her grip on his arm. “I’m not gonna tell you yet.”

“What? Why?”

“I’ll tell you when I tell the other girls. I think you’re gonna like the story, though.”

“Well now I’m just mad,” she says, her bright smile contradicting her words, “because now I’m even more curious.”

“Good. I’m keeping you on the edge of your seat.”

“I’m gonna fall off.”

Jens giggles, feeling Zoë’s shoulder shake next to him as he reaches up to catch the strap of his backpack.

She holds his arm the whole way to school and after they arrive, despite the confused looks the girls give them, eight eyes looking at him. It’s really no different than usual, but he feels like their eyes are burning into him, reading every minute detail on his face. It feels like he doesn’t even have to say anything. Jens feels his face burn, even though he knows It’s just my friends. All of them stand in a sort of circle that Jens feels like he’s at the centre of, and Zoë lets go, and he can feel the absence, the spot on his arm that her hand was suddenly cold.

“Hey,” he says awkwardly. He glances to Zoë, who’s turned to face him like the others, and she gives him a small smile with a subtle tilt of her head, encouraging. “So, uhm…” His eyes scan in front of him, going from girl to girl, their raised, confused eyebrows. He stops at Jana, whatever words he was going to say suddenly stuck in his throat.

She gives him a sort of shrug, lifting one shoulder slightly before dropping it and shaking her head, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s up?” Luca asks, and Jens’s gaze jumps to her like he’s startled.

“I—” His voice catches and he clears his throat before trying again. “I have to, uh, to tell you something.”

“All of us?” Amber asks in a small voice, glancing from Jens to Jana and then back.

“Yeah, it’s— it’s not, uhm…” He trails off again, unsure of how to say what needs to be said.

“Jens,” Zoë says in a firm but gentle voice. “Just say it.”

“I— I’m bi,” he says finally, his eyes still stuck on her, on her nodding head. “And I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh!” Jana exclaims, her head jerking back in surprise before a grin overtakes her face. “Oh, cool!”

There’s a second, a pause, and then a half-smile forms on his own face.

“Congratulations, Jens,” Yasmina, says, reaching out and hitting his arm lightly with a sweet smile on her face. Her head tilts like Zoë’s, the hood of her sweatshirt folding at the neck, where it’s tied with the strings in place of her hijab. He smiles back, feeling his face flush. His shoulders lift unconsciously as his hands tuck into his pockets.

“Who is it?” Amber asks enthusiastically, looking like she’s ready to start bouncing up and down. “Who’s your boyfriend?”

“Uh, Milan’s cousin,” he says, dropping his shoulders and laughing a little bit.

“What?” Amber says, her jaw dropping as she grins. “How the fuck…?”

“Milan’s cousin?” Jana interrupts, grinning, and Jens nods. “He must be happy.”

“I actually don’t know, we haven’t told him yet.” He ignores their scandalized expressions and Lucas’s cackle. “Lucas is telling him today and he’s gonna tell me how he reacts.”

“Wait, so they’re both the gay cousin?” Luca says, cocking her head.

“Uh… Yeah, I guess. I hadn’t really thought about that.”

“Huh.” She looks away for a second. “I’m the only one in my family.”

She’s met with silence.

“Wait—” Amber says, blinking and holding up a hand.

“Are you seriously upstaging my coming out right now?” Jens asks, suppressing another grin, and she shrugs.

“Eh. Saw the opportunity and took it.”

“Okay, Luca, give us all a second to respond to that,” Zoë says as Jens holds his hand out and Luca fist bumps him. “Someone please ask how they met!” she bursts, and Jens snorts, having forgotten about her desperation to know.

“Jens, how did you and your boyfriend meet?” Yasmina asks, taking pity on Zoë.

“So…” He takes a deep breath and steps back. “This is what I didn’t tell you,” he says, looking at Zoë. “I’ve told the guys but uhm… it’s been a long time coming.”

They all stare at him patiently, looking like they’re hanging onto his every word. Amber’s head is tilted toward him, her chin dropped slightly, as though he’s sharing a big secret. (Though, he supposes, he is.)

“We met outside my dance studio,” he says finally, an awkward smile fighting its way onto his face.

“Huh?” Luca says.

“Yeah.”

“Come again?” Yasmina says, tilting her head.

Jens inhales again, his shoulders coming up into an uncomfortable shrug, and then he exhales sharply, pulling his duffel bag in front of himself, deftly unzipping it and digging around, under the clothes and water bottles, under the small towel and the plastic bag full of bandages and tape for his toes, feeling his face heat up red under all their eyes, until his hands find the pointe shoes, grabbing them where their ribbon laces are tied together and pulling up, out, and then in the air in front of himself, watching their eyes move from him to the shoes.

“Ta-da,” he says weakly.

When he gets no response (except a confused “Uhm?” from Yasmina), he clarifies, “These are mine.”

“Those are yours…” Jana says, the gears turning in her head.

“These are mine, yeah.”

“Huh?” Lucas says again.

“Okay…” He shoves the shoes back into his bag and fishes his phone out of him pocket, his face heating again as he feels their eyes on him.

Finally, he finds what he’s searching for, and he holds the phone out where the shoes hung from his hands, where they can all see, and he watches their faces, hearing the audio from the video slightly over the sounds of other students around them, bustling and talking and laughing just barely overtaking the sound of Lucas laughing.

He smiles as they watch it, remembering the day it was taken.

It was just a few days ago. Lucas had come over to hang out and insisted that it was fine if Jens wanted to practice while he was there. It had resulted in this: a video of Jens doing pirouettes and Lucas giggling to himself as he records. The video ends with Jens realising why he’s giggling and turning, laughing, to smack the phone out of his hand.

“So you do ballet?” Jana says when the video ends, and Jens nods, putting the phone back in his pocket.

“Since I was little, yeah.”

“But…” She gives a small shrug. “How did I never know?”

“Well,” he says, not wanting to give it away before she figures it out, “I usually practice once a week unless I have a recital coming up.”

“Once a week…” she repeats.

“How big are your classes?” Zoë asks before realization can hit Jana’s face, and Jens looks at her.

“Uh, not too big, maybe fifteen, twenty people? I only have three actual friends from it and we don’t hang out that often outside of practice.”

“Once a week!” Jana exclaims, stepping forward and hitting Jens’s chest, and he looks back at her, laughing.

“Yeah, every…” he says, nodding and grinning.

“Thursday…” she says slowly, her smile growing, and slapping his chest again, playfully aggressive.

“What’s happening right now?” Yasmina asks, looking back and forth between them.

“Every fucking Thursday—” she hits him one last time— “Jens would disappear and none of us knew where he was going.”

“And he was going to ballet practice,” Amber says, her voice light and awestruck. Jens smiles at her, nodding. “That was graceful,” she adds.

“That’s what Aaron said,” he replies, cocking his head and smiling fondly.

“So you met… what’s his name again?” Luca asks.

“Lucas.”

“So you met Lucas outside your dance studio?”

“Yeah, one Thursday I was leaving the studio and I saw a boy, and I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute…” he trails off, gesturing vaguely with a hand before stuffing it into the pocket of his, Lucas’s, hoodie.

“Damn…” Luca says. “Maybe I should take up dance, find myself a cute lady.”

Before Jens can say anything, he’s interrupted by a loud squeal, and Amber grabs him and Luca in a bear hug, bouncing up and down excitedly. Jens laughs, wrapping his arms around the two of them, hearing Luca let out a shout of surprise before she begins to shake with laughter too.

“I am so proud of both of you,” Amber says when she pulls away, looking into his eyes intensely and then looking to Luca. He nods, smiling brightly as he looks up over her shoulder to Jana and then Zoë, who smiles almost proudly.

“I love you so much,” Amber says quickly, nearly shouting, as she pulls him back into a hug, rocking back and forth.

“I love you so much too,” Jens says, squeezing her and Luca, ignoring how uncomfortable the straps of his bags feel.

“Jens, I don’t want to interrupt but…” Zoë says, and Jens looks up to see her looking at her watch. “You have to talk… to the guys, don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah,” he says, squeezing them one more time before letting go. Luca reaches up and ruffles his hair and he makes a face at her. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Yasmina holds a hand out and Jens slaps their palms together, holding on for a second and she squeezes, smiling softly at him.

“Oh, I wanted to see a picture of Lucas…” Amber says as she steps away from Jens.

“I have pictures of him, don’t worry,” Zoë says, quickly hugging Jens and nodding at Amber.

“You do?” Amber asks, confused.

“I live with him, Amber.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

“Later, Jens,” Luca calls out as Jens starts to walk away, and he turns around, walking backwards, to wave at them.

He makes his way across the courtyard until he catches sight of the guys. Moyo is leaning against a fence, looking around, people-watching, as Aaron holds his phone out for Robbe to look at. None of them seems to be really present in the conversation. Moyo sees him first, straightening and coming off the fence when he sees Jens coming toward them, his eyes widening and his mouth opening like he’s trying to say something.

Jens tries for a small smile, but he thinks it might look more like a grimace.

“Hey,” he says when he’s close enough that they can all hear him.

Robbe looks up from Aaron’s phone and smiles, trying to look bright. Aaron stuffs his phone into his pocket, glancing to Moyo and Robbe before looking at Jens steadily, warily.

“Jens—” Moyo starts, but Jens stops him, shaking his head and holding up a hand.

“No, it’s fine,” he says, trying again for a smile. “I’m not… I—I freaked out yesterday, but it’s…”

He shrugs, shoving his hand back into his pocket. They’re quiet. Awkward. Aaron sighs. Robbe’s eyes don’t come off Jens.

“So you guys are… aware…” he says, trying to ease the awkwardness unsuccessfully.

“Yes,” Moyo says, and Jens snickers at the ground before looking up to see Moyo’s eyes shining back at him.

“Uhm… yeah. We’ve been… seeing each other for a while now.”

“So you’re bi?” Aaron asks.

“Yeah.” Jens huffs, trying to relax his shoulders. “I never told you guys because, I didn’t really know until Lucas, or—” He shifts, shuffling a foot on the concrete he stands on, and he looks up to the sky, trying to sort his thoughts into words. The sky is blue. Cotton-candy blue, Lucas would say. “I think I knew and I just… never really acknowledged it until Lucas. It never mattered until him.”

They nod.

“And then I didn’t tell you guys about us because I just didn’t really want anything to change, I guess. Like, I wasn’t scared, it was just…” He shrugs.

“Things did change when I came out,” Robbe says.

“For the better,” Moyo adds.

Jens bites his lip, nodding, and he looks away, to the ground.

“I know.”

“You and Lucas are cute together,” Aaron says, grinning.

“Thanks, Aaron.”

“It’s his Instagram, isn’t it?” Moyo asks, and Jens nods, pressing his lips together. “I’m still going to follow it, don’t worry,” Moyo says hastily. “It just makes sense.”

“Uhm…” Jens takes another deep breath, scratching the back of his neck. “There was something else I was going to ask you guys.”

It’s something he’d talked about with Lucas, something that was his own idea, though Lucas seemed more excited about it than he was.

“What?” Robbe asks, and Jens hesitates for a second before asking.

“Would you guys want to come to my next recital?”

Immediately, their faces light up and Aaron gasps loudly.

“Yeah!” Moyo exclaims.

Jens halts, them, holding up a wait a minute finger.

“It’s formal,” he says. “So you need to look nice, you know, wear a jacket.”

“I don’t have a jacket,” Aaron says, deflating, looking forlorn.

“I have one you can borrow,” Moyo says. “Just don’t get it dirty.”

“You have a formal jacket?” Robbe says, looking at Moyo and furrowing his brows, smiling confusedly.

“I’m classy as fuck, bro.”

“Clearly.”

“So that’s a yes?” Jens says before Moyo can get in a retort.

“That’s a hell yes,” Aaron says. “I’m so excited.”

“Is Lucas going too?” Robbe asks.

“Uh, yeah.” Jens scratches the back of his neck before running his hands through his hair.

“Does your mom know about you guys?” Moyo asks.

“Uh, no.”

“No pressure.” Moyo raises his hands in a surrendering gesture and Jens laughs.

When the bell rings, Moyo has his arm around Jens’s shoulders in a casual embrace, and they head to the entrance of the school. As they enter, Jens catches Zoë’s eye and shoots her a thumbs up and a grin, and she holds up her hands, curved into a heart.

He smiles.

His heart feels a little lighter.

#this is so bad im so sorry #it was supposed to go up (on tumblr) last night but tumblr wasnt opening so #its here now #:)#also remember to eat something and hydrate #and take any meds or vitamins you have #and stretch your back and relax your shoulders #i love you #vds #van der stoffels #wtfock #wtfock fic #skam nl #skam nl fic #renew skam nl #save skam nl #jens stoffels #lucas vdh #lucas van der heijden

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