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planckstorytime · 6 years

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William Shakespeare’s Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure

https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/2017/11/07/william-shakepeares-jojos-bizarre-adventure/

The Tragedie of Jojo and Dio

Dramatis Personae:

Jojo

Dio

Jojo’s Father

Erina

Wang Chan

Robert E. O. Speedwagon

A Dog

Guards

Thugs

Speedwagon’s Gang

SCENE ONE

JOJO’S FATHER:

Hark now, a carriage comes round yonder bend

To our illustrious mansion, breaking day

And with it my prestigious ward, a Son!

Entrusted by my creditor and hero

Who rescued my son Jojo and myself

From certain doom beneath a wrecked wagon.

His name is Dio, gentlemanly raised

And brought before us to live in our home.

Here, Jojo, come greet your brother and friend!

Dio steps from the carriage, posing dramatically and casting a menacing glare at the mansion. Enter Jojo.

JOJO

Before now, I thought I was quite alone,

The sole boy aged as I am, in youth’s throes,

But Providence has blessed our household twice

Such that I may enjoy fraternity.

[Jojo’s dog comes running up]

My truest friend, this hound, greets you as well!

[Dio kicks the dog right in its side, sending it flying and whimpering away]

Be you mad? Why attack my treasured dog?

Dio adjusts his collar and looks dismissively.

DIO

The brute surprised me, causing me alarm.

In my astonishment, I kicked the beast.

It is only natural to react

With force when safeguarding one’s personal effects,

Including one’s own life and dignity.

[Aside] Truthfully, I do abhor these creatures!

JOJO’S FATHER

I’m certain Dio meant no harm to him.

Egress with me, sons. Supper’s on the stove.

JOJO

As you wish, father. Dio, please excuse me;

I meant no disrespect or suspicion.

With this misfortune past us, I’m quite certain,

We’ll presently become fast friends, you and I.

Jojo extends his hand, but Dio scoffs at him. He passes by him into the house; Exeunt All.

SCENE TWO

Erina, Jojo’s paramour, is skipping down a countryside path. Dio and a few of his goons stand under a neighboring tree, looking for trouble.

ERINA

My darling Jojo, how I love thee:

Thine eyes doth glitter with a radiance

Surpassing beams of sunlight on spring days,

And thy form manly gives me cause to swoon

As if I was a bleating baby lamb.

Your virtue certainly eclipses all,

And marketh thee as one blessed by fate,

With numinous worlds borne aloft by you

Sustained by your immensely strong shoulders.

No man can capture my heart but you, dear!

THUG #1

Be that Ms. Erina?

THUG #2

It would seem so.

DIO

She’s Jojo’s dearest pet, no? I’ll meet her

Here, shadowed by the fading sunset red

And plant upon her parted lips a mark

Of passion and shame that symbolizes

My envy and my hate for Jojo’s soul,

That pampered bastard, vain and ignorant

Of earthly cruelties. Puppet, come to me!

[Dio forcibly yanks Erina toward him and plants a kiss on her mouth. She eventually pulls away, gagging, and falls to the dirt.]

Had you imagined Jojo to be first

To break the seal of your sweet, tender lips?

But I’m afraid you were mistaken, dear.

Your first kiss was not with your noble love –

For it was with me, Dio!

THUGS #1 & 2

What a swell guy!

ERINA

You fiend! Defilement foul as this won’t stand!

Before you can blink, Jojo shall ride in

To safeguard me, reclaim my honor, fight,

And avenge the offence of thou three swain!

Exit Erina. Dio and the Thugs laugh. Dio returns to his nearby home. Exeunt the Thugs. He sits down to read a book. Enter Jojo, bursting through the front door and delivering an uppercut to Dio’s chin.

JOJO

Thou scoundrel, Dio! How dare thee behave

In such a cruel, brazen manner, cur!

In Erina’s name, I shall pommel thee

Until you cry, fall beaten to your knees,

And beg for mercy, which I shall not grant!

The two continue their fisticuffs, knocking over furnishings. Eventually, a splatter of Dio’s blood impacts a strange stone mask mounted on the wall and provokes some sort of reaction. Spider-like tendrils emerge from the back of the mask. Dio notices this, and attempts to flee.

DIO

[Aside] Jojo’s battle prowess vexes my mind!

It would be unwise to challenge that fool

While his passionate wrath doth burn brightly.

I must act with subtlety and cunning.

Downfall I bring yet to your house, Jojo!

Mark my words! Till that time comes, however

I shall bite my tongue and bide my time here.

But down, thoughts! To the shadows I return!

Exeunt all. Curtain falls. Intermission. “Roundabout” by Yes plays.

SCENE THREE

Years have passed. Jojo and Dio are now adults. Jojo is walking down a foreboding alleyway – the infamous “Ogre Street”.

JOJO

My father’s health has suffered as of late

And only worsened since that serpent fraud,

My brother Dio, started treating him

With alien drugs from locales unknown.

A sample I procured from Dio’s hand

And carry here with me to Oni Street,

A den for robbers, vagabonds, and thieves,

Where I might locate and interrogate

Some crude apothecary with no charge

To keep his business straight, nor clientele

Protected by frail oaths of privacy.

Alas! I observe several ruffians

Converging on my person! Have at thee!

Enter Robert E. O. Speedwagon and several members of his gang, bearing bladed weapons.

SPEEDWAGON

You look to be a fortunate young man

Caught in a less than fortunate event.

My boys and I are ruthless highwaymen

Who’ll slice your neck as quickly as your purse.

To arms, lads! Pick his corpse clean of doubloons!

Jojo fends off several of them, catching one’s blade in mid-air.

JOJO

I haven’t time to quarrel with you lot;

My father lies on death’s door, suffering

At the hands of a toxic medicine

Provided by that treasonous, vile hound

Who postures himself as a brother mine.

Assault me or assist me; I care not.

For my quest shall not be deterred by you

Nor Dio, nor the earth, sun, moon, or stars.

SPEEDWAGON

Hold, fellows. We have here a model man

Whose bravery demands our reverence.

My name is Robert E. O. Speedwagon,

Reputed outlaw and bewitching scamp.

My gang recalls an alchemist corrupt

Who deals in odious toxins similar

To that which you possess in your hands.

Allow me to serve as your shepherd true

Conducting your path towards the devil’s lair.

Embark we on an orphic odyssey

To breach the gates of Hell and steal back life!

Exeunt All.

SCENE FOUR

The Joestar Manor, night. Dio stumbles in, drunken and disheveled. As he steps into the parlor, he finds Jojo there, ready to confront him.

JOJO

Thy plan is foiled, Dio. Give it up.

I know thy treachery and wicked plot.

DIO

Perhaps you know, but of what use is it?

I, of course, have no motive to slay kin,

Be they of common blood or otherwise.

My father true passed from some nameless germ

That poisoned his old humours. It seems now

Your father suffers an affliction same.

The heavens are indeed cruel, I say.

How could you pin such evils on my name?

Speedwagon lights a pipe, revealing himself.

SPEEDWAGON

At Jojo’s order, I scoured the abyss

Of this city’s underworld, and found this!

[Speedwagon pulls back a curtain to reveal Wang Chan, a small, seedy man in Oriental clothing]

This man sold poison to you, Dio, no?

WANG CHAN

Ay, it is certainly he, no doubt!

He came to my shop seeking bottled death

Which I carry in abundance! Seize him!

Another curtain draws, revealing Jojo’s Father and several Guards, all of whom have heard this exchange.

JOJO’S FATHER

My heart doth rupture over this ordeal.

My son, how could you be so sinister

As to attempt the murder of the one

Who warmly welcomed you as family

I wish it untrue, this grotesque affair,

But I must entreat these loyal constables

To take you into custody posthaste.

Oh, Dio! May God grant thee clemency.

Dio feigns guilt and appears to accept his fate.

WANG CHAN

No prison can hold one keen as he!

His face is marked by an infernal brand,

He toys with fate as the horned Devil would!

DIO

I would prefer it if you bound my wrists,

Respected brother Jojo.

[Jojo approaches Dio with binds]

I know now

The limitations of our mortal clout,

That is, the more we scheme for revenge

The less predictable the end result.

It’s futile to commit such evil deeds

Whilst subjected to human folly’s yoke.

But Jojo –

[Dio produces the stone mask and knife from his cloak]

T’is not evil I renounce,

But humanity that I reject!

[Dio lunges forward with the knife, attempting to stab Jojo, but Jojo’s Father takes the blow instead, collapsing in Jojo’s arms. Jojo cries out in grief. Dio dons the stone mask and rubs the blood of Jojo’s father on the mask, triggering some sort of metamorphosis.]

Thy lines’ blood I hath spilt tonight, Jojo!

Now, you all will witness awesome power

And the birth of a new God! Kneel to me!

The Guards all rush and impale Dio, and though it seems to work for a moment, with his head lolling to the side, but it then snaps back. The mask comes off, and he sprouts monstrous nails that he uses to cut the throats of all the guards. Jojo and Speedwagon are shocked by this display.

JOJO

My God, what manner of monstrosity

Has Dio conjured? Was this evil beast

Inside him all along? That horrid mask!

It must possess the power to transform

Men into monsters, and what’s even worse,

It can turn villains into vampires foul!

SPEEDWAGON

Yea verily, I, even, am afraid!

Dio continues his rampage. Jojo looks around the parlor, trying to find a way to stop him. He begins lighting mansion on fire.

JOJO

We cannot let him leave this house alive.

Run, Speedwagon! Off! Here I will remain,

Ensuring that my brother perishes

Amidst the scorching fingers of these flames.

Speedwagon retreats. Jojo ascends the staircase, followed by Dio, who appears to walk up the side of the wall. Exeunt All.

SCENE FIVE

Jojo and Dio stand on the rooftop, wreathed in flames.

JOJO

Here me now, Dio! This house that raised us

Will soon be the pyre for our funerals.

DIO

I have no intention of expiring

In your damnable home at all, Jojo!

Soon, a million voices will praise my godhood!

I can see my destiny, clear as day:

I shall rule this world, from mountain to sea.

I think neither you nor God in heaven

Can destroy me, perfect as I am now.

JOJO

My father, home, and life have been laid waste.

So nothing matters but your last demise.

A spiraling inferno beckons us.

Come, Dio. We’ll both die in smoke and ruins.

[Jojo tackles Dio and they grapple as they descend through the burning mansion. Dio attempts to cling to a wall, but Jojo grabs the knife from earlier.]

There’s no escape. This knife is stained with blood

Of innocence, born through betrayal black,

But it can yet atone. With this steel blade

I sentence thee to the death thou deserve.

Jojo stabs Dio, causing him to shriek in pain. As their falling bodies separate, Dio is impaled on a statue in the foyer.

DIO

Inconceivable! To be slain this way

By the likes of you! Be warned, Jojo;

Any agony I feel now shall pale

When compared to my eternal fury!

I await thee deep in Hell, young Jojo.

Dio dies. Jojo is blown out of the house by an explosion. Speedwagon and Erina find him.