I envy people that have good relationships with family and friends. Always a constant reminder of what I don’t have.
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Bothered. Parched. Miserable. In the middle of the road. Unfocused. Decaying.
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post event rumination. wanted to talk about it. social anxiety can make you regret a social interaction for a long time after. like a long long time. or it can be just for a few hours afterwards. sometimes, might be delayed; like you think the interaction went 'Well' (by social anxiety brain's definition), but then it twists it.
social interactions other people would walk away smiling from, have left me with no energy, terrified, and full of self-hatred.
personally, feels like brain just winces. like automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) hit suddenly; it's a sharp mental pain, triggered by events. one time, had this for about 4 months afterwards, just recurring cycle of rumination. could not get out of head. would be doing something else, and it would just come crashing back. the same thought. over and over again.
it does lessen with time. promise. don't have that thought any more. still sometimes will remember things, but it stings less.🌹🌹🌹
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I’m so tempted to look at her profile and compare myself to her.
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kneeling down and looking my younger self in the eyes and saying "you don't have to be good to be good enough."
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my brain craves sadness and despair.
like how a sweet tooth craves sugar.
it aches for the sorrow, and when it finally gets it’s helping,
it is so painfully relieving.
but it’s good to remember:
too much sugar will rot my poor sweet tooth.
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