#saundraswriting

[saundraswriting]

Sharing the Burden

SUMMARY: Shouyo hides his oncoming seasonal affective disorder symptoms from live in boyfriend, Kageyama Tobio. Over time, a mild depressive episode begins and Tobio finds Shouyo hasn't been taking care of himself. Tobio decides to take matters into his own hands.

WARNINGS: depression episode

NOTES: Made this one shot for a friend on twitter who was having a bad day.

Ao3 // Main Masterlist // Twitter

Shouyou hasn't left his bed in a few days. The message read. Natsu sighed and looked out her window The seasons had begun to change. She knew her brother, knew him better than anyone, including his rival turned best friend turned boyfriend. As such sometimes Tobio-nii still needed her help. High school was always too busy then they were separated by an ocean. Natsu thought that maybe Shouyou had figured it out, how to deal with this... Apathy and numbness and listlessness that seemed to hit him every so often.

She was wrong, Shouyou didn't learn anything more. He just grinned and hid and kept busy. The only difference now was she was older, wiser and more observant, and Shouyou had Tobio-nii. In an other life Shouyou would be pushing himself harder, trying to smother his feelings in boots of productivity. Tobio however taught him the meaning of self-care. An episode of over- working and fever costing Shouyou too much. Natsu fingered her phone trying to think of a response. Shou-bro sometimes gets like this. For as long as I can remember. This is from no fault of yours. He should get over it in a couple days. This time of year is often spent like this. She texted back. She went back to her studies, knowing Tobio will respond when he wants to and not a second later.

Tobio stared at the lump that was his boyfriend. Or rather what Tobio was assuming was his boyfriend under a pile of blankets in a room with dirty clothes on the floor and random bottles cans and Chip and other misc. Trash things loitering around. His usual sunshine incarnate boyfriend was laid up with an unusual apathy and emptiness that Tobio cart recall seeing before. Shouyou hadn't left their bed in the few days Tobio had been gone, working on some sponsorship deal things. When he left Shouyou seemed energetic and cheerful now he looked greasy and miserable. “That's fine. But we do need food and stuff. So let me go and you can stay here. Maybe you could get a bath? Or some water?” Tobio suggested before pressing a kiss to Shouyou's temple.

"I'll try. I don't know, I just want to lay here, I can't seem to find any motivation. Not for volleyball or my shows or even to brush my teeth. I love this time of year but I always get so down round now.” Shouyou seemed frustrated, voice thick eyes screwed shut.

"Sweetheart, your fine. We all have bad days I just wish I could help you more? If you think of anything at all let me know I'm heading out, maybe we can do a quiet night in."

"That sounds perfect. Thank you so much, love. I'll call you or text if I think of anything. Now, go on. We need food and you are the only one between the two of us who can go”

Tobio pressed another kiss to Shouyou's temple and left. As soon as he cleared the door, Tobio tried using google to figure out some helpful tips for coping with Shouyou's symptoms. He then called Kozume-senpai. He knew Natsu didn't mean anything malicious when she said to wait it out but that sounded too much like abandoning Shouyou to deal with his problems on his own. Tobio couldn't allow that even as a friend let alone a boyfriend.

"Kozume-senpai, can you do me a huge favor?” Tobio began. He was hesitant to ask for even this much but even though Shouyou was his boyfriend, he had plenty of friends who would love to help him.

“Kageyama this is rather unusual. What can I do for you? Everything okay?' Kozume was soft spoken but Tobio had seen him rage at some of the more inappropriate viewers he has had.

“I know but I felt that this was rather necessary. Shouyou hasn’t gotten out of bed in a few days and I was hoping for some help. Natsu says that this happens sometimes especially around this time of year and what little bit I've read says each person is different. I wasn't sure if you could help. I was thinking that you could get him to go to your place so I could range some mutual friends into cleaning and rearranging the apartment. I was also hoping to get some self care things today.” Tobio hadn’t gotten far from their place, worry and uncertainty keeping him in place. Tobio rubbed his eyebrow in an attempt to self soothe, and stay focused.

"Kageyama that is a great idea. I'll see about getting him here right away. How about I book a cleaning service I use when my depression episodes get really bad. Some people get depressed at the season change and some get depressed when they are stressed and some people, like me have persistent episodes that take a medical regiment and therapy and years of practice. Shouyou has a lot on his plate some times that leads to burnout and rest days have to become rest weeks. The best thing to do is what he needs you to do. The numbness and lack of motivation is hard enough to deal with having a partner who can empathize or sympathize can make a world of difference. I'll call the cleaning service right now then I'll come pick Shouyou up. I'll bring him to my place. Kuroo and Bokuto-san, should be around. Maybe Miya-san and his germaphobe fiancé could help. I’ll leave the shopping to you. Then when you have the apartment ready, we can meet up and you can fuss over him all night.” Kozume spoke confidently about his experiences making Tobio more sure in his decision to call him.

"Thank you so much. I am thinking my shopping shouldn't be more than a couple hours. I'm going to call the others. Maybe we can meet while I shop. I think I'm going to need the extra hands. Anyway please let me know what the cleaning service says about the rush job. Thanks again, Kozume-senpai. I appreciate all your help and I know Shouyou will once he sees the results.” Tobio said his good byes and hung up. He decided on calling Bokuto-san first, seeing as he is Shouyou's favorite, and mentor. When he was told that Tobio was calling to help surprise Shouyou who was feeling down lately, he eagerly agreed to meet Tobio while shopping. He even said he'd text Akaashi-San and the others to help.

“When my mood shifts heavily for a few days sometimes a small change can help maybe we can rearrange the apartment while we are there.” Bokuto-san's suggestion resonated with Tobio a memory from a conversation a long time ago.

“I love fall. I love when the air feels crisp. This is my favorite time of year. I get a little sluggish but when we open the windows and clean. The air and the house feel so clean and fresh. We don't necessarily do spring cleaning at my house. We do winter cleaning. The heater sometimes up to kicks much dust and mom and I can't breathe.” Shouyou explained when Tobio had come over to study for an English test and commented on the rearranged living room.

"Shouyou loves this time of year for things like that it'd remind him of home too. Let's do it. We’d have to be quick.” Tobio and Bokuto-san worked out the details. Tobio worried that they were doing too much but then remembered, Shouyou was the one who gave him a team and made Volleyball fun for him again. Shouyou brought his own personal light into Tobio's dark world. The least he could do, is share it back, Tobio set off to begin shopping.

Kenma knocked on the door several times but with no answer, he deemed it appropriate to use his spare key. He searched the kitchen and living room and saw it as Tobio said. Shouyou hadn't eaten or gotten out of bed in at least a couple days if not longer. "Shouyou? Where are you? I came to visit like we planned.”

"Kenma? What are you doing here? We didn't make plans for today. I'm sorry but I'm just not up for socialization today. Can you come back some other time?” Shouyou's voice came from the lump on the bed. He sound meek and tired. He tightened his blanket cocoon.

"No. I told you I'd drop you if you don't stay interesting. This is pitiful. Let's go. I won't allow you to squander your time in this filthy space. Get up. Get dressed. You are coming to my place, right now. You need a change of scenery, " Kenma grabbed the blankets and ripped them off. He froze upon seeing Shouyou. "Oh, Shouyou. We definitely need to talk. How long have you been dealing with this?”

Shouyou simply blinked his red-rimmed eyes at Kenma. His hair fell in greasy clumps matted to his head. He looked gaunt and pale, his hands trembling slightly. He looked small and lost and so unlike the Shouyou that ruled the beach courts in Rio or the Shouyou who beat Kageyama upon his awaited return.

"Kenma. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no energy no matter how much I sleep, I can't find any motivation to do anything. I haven't eaten in days. Tobio wasn't around to force me to eat or get out of bed so I didn't but then it got easier to just stay in bed.” Shouyou sniffed like he was going to cry again.

Kenma took a deep breath and rested a hand on Shouyou's arm. “Shouyou. You're fine. Nothing is wrong with you. When you were in Rio you worked hard and practiced harder to to get to this point. When your entire life is made of go moments the pause time can become hard to break free of them. Don't worry, where you are having a single mild depressive episode, I have them regularly and have since high school, so I the have experience to help you get better. That means listen to me. Get your ass up and dressed. Brush teeth and let's go. I have someone coming to deep clean the apartment for you in a little while. We need to be out of here.” Kenna's voice held no room for debate. Shouyou sighed and opened his mouth to argue but inhaled a chip crumb, while slightly choking he decided that a little of change of scenery would do him some good.

"Fine, Kenma. I'll get ready to go. But I'm wearing sweats and you can't stop me.” Shouyou huffed. He climbed out from under the covers. When he stood up he swayed slightly from the head rush and his first couple steps were punctuated by cracking joints. Kenma kept his reactions to himself knowing Shouyou was already embarrassed by his state of being. Kenna simply moved to the closet while Shouyou made his way to the bathroom.

45 minutes later found Shouyou, tired and sluggish in Kenma and Kuroo doorway regretting agreeing to this idea. He was already wanting to take a nap. But he didn't want to be a bad guest. However when the smell of his favorite takoyaki and fried chicken reached his nose, Shouyou heard his stomach gurgle.

“Sho, no one can be happy all the time. I know this, Kuroo knows this, Kageyama knows this. We want to help you when life gets overwhelming, or your brain is telling you things that are not true, or your brain chemistry levels are out of wack. We'll be here. Now, let's eat some food and relax.”

"Thank you Kenma. I'm not sure what is actually wrong. I've felt like this before but it goes away in a couple days to a couple weeks. This is the first time, I haven't been busy with school or busy with volleyball though. I wasn't sure if it this is just my usual seasonal issues. I didn't want to bother Tobio but then one nap turned into a whole day in bed. I'm just feeling so bleh and I can't seem to shake it. I'm feeling so empty and tired and breathing sometimes is too much. Then I realize that time is still passing and I have so much to do. This is the first time, I've seen myself get this bad.” Shouyou seemed to shrink even more in on himself. He rubbed his eyes trying to hid the tears in the corner of his eyes. Kenma, not wanting to push his friend any more than he was, just took his elbow and led him to the source of the food.

"Eat. Then we'll play some games. I don't have a stream planned so its just you and me for a few hours. Once the cleaners are done, maybe we can see about taking you back home.” Kenma grinned brightly. He missed his friend, they had kept in close contact over the years. However nothing compared to in person quality time.

The food and promise of video games seemed to brighten Shouyou's mood. His gratitude came through with a brighter smile and the weight hunching his shoulders easing slightly. He grew bigger - spine straightening, laughter louder. Kenma and Shouyou spent the next several hours ignoring their personal responsibilities and pretending that one wasn't a world famous Volleyball player and the other a CEO/Influencer. They ignored the fact that they were there cause Shouyou was neglecting his self care and falling into a depressive episode. They came up for air once when Kenma got a confirmation text from the cleaners that Shouyou and Tobio's apartment was completely scrubbed, sanitized and stain free. Kenma stepped out to call Tobio.

“Kageyama, the cleaners are done cleaning. I had them leave the supplies for you. They cleaned the walls and furniture and the futons and the bed. They even steamed and sterilized to get rid of any allergens. How is it going on your end?”

“Just fine. I got all of the groceries that we will need. Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san are going to help with the rearranging. Possibly Miya-san will join us. Can you keep him busy another couple hours? I'll come and get him.” Tobio requested, he sounded proud and light. “I don't like that Shouyou is feeling like this but I'm glad that I can shed some light on him. I'm happy I can give back some of the light I’ve taken from him. “

“He doesn't see it that way and you know that. He doesn't see your relationship as some thing that is given and taken between the two of you. You are his partner, in everything. You're helping your boyfriend when he is feeling low. You can t keep score in something like this. Just be there every time.” Kenna paused, aware he was lecturing. “Sorry. Your relationship isn't my business. I just know Shouyou told me he didn't want to bother you. Ill keep him busy. Text me when you finish.”

“You are right Kenma. I need to step up my emotional maturity. Thank you for telling me. I'll talk to him about this. I need to go and get started with rearranging the apartment. Later then, Kenma.” Tobio signed off and with a click was gone. Kenma stared at his phone, a smug smirk on his lips. Sometimes a little meddling was needed especially when it comes to close friends.

Kenma ducked back into his gaming room before his disappearance became suspicious. “Shouyou, you ready to lose again?” A bright laugh was heard as the door shut.

Tobio stared in awe at his apartment that practically gleamed and sparkled with cleanliness. He held 2 very full bags in his arms while Akaashi had one and Bokuto had four. Distractedly he put his bags on the kitchen counter, the other two following in just as awestruck.

“I don't think this place has ever been this clean. I'm almost speechless.” Tobio said,

“Damn. They are amazing. Remind me to get the name of the company.” Akaashi said. Tobio simply pushed over a small pile of business cards on a small thank you note with an invoice copy with Kenma’s billing info. Akaashi hummed and swiped one. “Thank you. With my deadlines and this one's travel,” nodding towards a busy unpacking Bokuto “We could use a dependable cleaning service.”

At that moment the door bell rang with a flower shop delivery announcement. When Tobio answered the door, Miya Atsumu and his fiancé and Hoshiumi were standing outside holding flowers and a couple bags. “Thank you for the flowers and picking up the things asked. I appreciate all of you helping out. I was lost when I realized Shouyou was more than taking a couple days to rest. Everything we got today and everything we do are things I've seen and learned help and are recommended by Natsu-chan and Shouyou's mother.” Tobio took a deep breath. “With that, let's start with moving the furniture.”

About two and half hours and 3 arguments and 1 snack break later, 5 sweaty Olympic athletes surveyed their hard work. They had beautifully rearranged the living room, bedroom, Office and guest bedroom. They set up the new decorations and put out the new flowers. They had plugged in the wax melters, changed the throw blankets in the living room, changed out the towels in the bathroom, switched the bed sheets and put up new curtains. All in all the apartment looked clean smelled wonderful and had a completely new vibe.

“Amazing. This place looks phenomenal. I really owe you.” Tobio bowed slightly.

“Tobio-kun, we are friends and teammates. You don't owe us anything. You would do the same if we needed it. Shouyou needs support when this happens. If this is what we can offer so be it. Shouyou can be too proud and too stubborn, help may only be accepted from behind the scenes like what we did today. Your job is to be there even when he says he is fine.” Akaashi said. The others made sounds of agreement and words of encouragement.

A few minutes later and the apartment was empty. Echoes of promises and warm good byes lingering as Tobio paced the apartment, looking for any thing they missed. Once he cleared the apartment he began prepping dinner. it was getting cold but Shouyou had a long and emotionally draining day. Tobio began prepping udon and pork and chicken. Once done Tobio sent Kenna a text, letting him know that he was leaving to go pick up Shouyou since they had finished the apartment and dinner was ready to be made.

The door to Kenna's place was pulled open by Kuroo. ”Shouyou! Your boyfriend is here.” Shouyou appeared, looking miles better than the last time Tobio saw him. His eyes were brighter, smile more natural and his skin didn't look like it was on too tight.

“Tobio! I missed you. Did shopping go okay? Sorry I didn't go with you. Kenma came to visit and demanded I come here because he was hiring cleaners." Shouyou stared at Tobio's empty arms. "You did go grocery shopping right? Have you been back then? How did it look? "

“Yes, I went shopping. Yes I dropped the bags before coming here. It looked great. We'll have to use them when we are gone. They did a great job. Now let's get going. I'm hungry.” Tobio said. Shouyou giggled. Tobio paused in helping him put his jacket on, realizing it had been almost a week since he had heard Shouyou's giggle. A small smile was aimed at Shouyou's hair. They were on the outside of the door swapping thank you's and goodbyes when Kenma tossed out “Both of you! Remember what I told you. Also don't be a stranger.”

Tobio and Shouyou waved and called out final good byes before making their way down the street in companionable silence. They didn't live an uncomfortable distance from Kenma but it seemed by mutual decision they would walk instead of taking the subway.

"Shouyou. You know that I love you, right? You don't have to hide from me. Please let me in on the good days but also the bad days. Keeping you healthy is important to me, that includes your mental health. I can't help if I don't know what's going on. I was away for the past couple days but this isn't something that happens over night.” Tobio bit out, he was hesitant in his words but not in his emotions.

“Tobio. I love you and I know you love me. I think this year not only was my seasonal depression hitting harder but I was unsure of a lot of things. I simply spiraled in my own over thinking. I'm aware it was a depressive episode but it seemed like at first, I could shake it off like previously. Then you were gone and I just kept sinking deeper into this... This emptiness. I wanted to do things. Especially so you wouldn't worry when you got home but then my mind just kept asking ‘what's the point.’ And I had no response. And no motivation.” Shouyou trailed off brows furrowed and jaw clenched.

“We're a team you and me. I have bad days too. And we know you have them. Do you understand that it is okay to not be okay? We may be Star athletes but we are only human and when you have to spend days fighting your own brain to simply exist, it can be overwhelming. We can only do what we can do. No one's existence is defined by what they bring to other people. Shouyou, you will never be a burden tome or our friends, teammates or even family. A long time ago, you taught me to believe in a shrimp who could jump. Let me teach you to believe in him too.” Tobio-not very good with words spoke to his shoes as he and Shouyou walked to their own apartment as the sun slowly set. He looked up to see a silently crying red faced Shouyou trying to wipe his eyes. “I made you cry. Amazing. I'm so bad at this I made you cry.” Tobio dead panned to the sky.

“No! I'm crying because I'm happy. Everything changes when you have someone who wants to help carry the burden. Thank you for loving me, and wanting to help me, and supporting me and understanding me.” Shouyou grabbed Tobio’s hand squeezing tightly then bring it to his lips for a small kiss.

“Good I was worried. Now, let's get home. I have another surprise for you. Miya-san, his fiancé, Bokuto-san, Akaashi-san, Hoshiumi all helped me with it. Once we look at it then we can do dinner and a movie.” Tobio used the hand Shouyou was holding to quicken their pace, his excitement almost tangible. Shouyou giggled and let himself be pulled along to their apartment. Both of them loose and carefree after all the emotional discussions they'd had today.

Tobio stopped Shouyou before unlocking the door. He told him to close his eyes and pulled him through the door. Shouyou stood still for a moment before opening his eyes again. He glanced around before looking at Tobio curiously. Then he blinked.

“You got flowers? And candles? I mean the apartment is incredibly clean…” Shouyou paused before looking again. “Tobio, did you Autumn clean our apartment? After being gone for almost a week on a sponsor trip. You seriously rearranged the furniture and redecorated like I usually do every year? Just because I was having a rough time. You went through all that effort you got all these people involved because you wanted me to feel better.” Shouyo spluttered a few noises. Before growling in almost frustration. “Did you do the entire apartment?” he didn't wait for an answer before holding up a hand and kicking his shoes off at the entryway.

Shouyou stalked through their apartment, trying all the new angles of seating looking for glares on the TV, he checked the bedroom for natural light and the office for obnoxious town noise. Finding none he stood in the middle of the kitchen watching Tobio finish making dinner, letting Shouyou explore at his own pace.

“I'm so in love with you that sometimes it physically pains me. When I think of how far we come as people, friends, rivals, partners my heart and soul ache. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I absolutely do not want to find out.” Tobio turned heat the down on the stove turning around to question Shouyou but the words died in his throat. His own personal embodiment of the sun was down on one knee. A small black box open in his hand held a simple Silver ring. “Kageyama Tobio, will you marry me?”

Tobio dropped to his knees pulling Shouyou into a bone- crushing hug, tears mingling with Shouyo's on their cheeks all the while muttering, “You absolute idiot, of course. I will marry you. As if the answer could be anything but yes. Now, put the ring on and help finish dinner my fiancé.”

Shouyou blushed deeply, grin practically splitting his face. “Anything for you, My lovely Fiancé.”

The kitchen rang with laughter and sniffles and the clattering of dishes as the newly engaged couple finished making dinner. Together. As they would face every problem the future might hold..

#haikyuu!! #haikyu!! #Hinata shouyo #Kageyama Tobio #Kagehina #depression #angst with a happy ending #saundraswriting #saundrasays

[saundrasays]

I wrote some things!

I wrote two secret santa presents this year. One for @negativenorth called This is Our Last (First) Christmas located here on Tumblr and here on Ao3.

I also wrote for @hermesmaximoff called One Winter Month located here on tumblr and here on ao3. 

Read and enjoy everyone!

#saundraswriting #Sterek #bucky barnes x reader

[saundraswriting]

Always the Same

Summary: The end of the tension-riddled Adlers Vs Black Jackals game came with cheers of victory and sighs of defeat for all but one Hinata Shouyo. He had done what he set out to do all those years ago after a crushing defeat by the ruthless King of the Court. What happens next? With the emotional highs and lows of this long waited victory, Kageyama Tobio is right there for him, just like always.

Warnings: Anxiety/Panic Attack, emotional hurt/comfort

Notes: This is a one shot I wrote because the idea wouldn't leave me alone.

Ao3 // Main Masterlist // Twitter

Hinata grabbed the net, using the slight bite to ground himself as the stadium went wild. The underdog team, MSBY Black Jackals beat the Schweiden Adlers 3 sets to 1. The final whistle had blown and Hinata could hear his teammates whopping and hollering in celebration behind him. Hinata was frozen gripping the net like a lifeline, eyes focused on the other side of the court locked on to Kageyama on the other side of the court. A cruel parallel to all those years ago, Hinata Gripping the net, eyes blazing, a mirror of Kageyama staring him down. The memory, unbidden, 'What have you been doing all theses years?' He had worked so hard for so long and it had finally, finally, finally paid off. Those months spent alone in his room, halfway across the world, an ocean away from anything familiar, wasn't wasted. He didn't act on whim, he had made a move towards his future.

Hinata could feel eyes on him, but he couldn't turn, couldn't move and join his team. Not when all he wanted was to talk to Kageyama, touch him, know that this was real. He had won. More than that, he missed Kageyama, his partner in everything. Hinata could barely feel his legs, even his monster stamina deplenished. His grip on the net tightened, the bite growing stronger, as the realization of what happened began to settle.

'I finally did it. I finally beat Kageyama Tobio. I did it.' Hinata didn't know what is face looked like, heartbroken or awestruck, all his strength going into remaining standing, and not letting go of the net, he knew he had to hang on, it was the one thing keeping his breathing regular and legs steady. "I did it, Kageyama, I did it." Hinata called out, his voice thick and on the verge of breaking. Kageyama looked over at him from the other side of the court, standing directly across as his team regrouped from their loss, gathering their composure. Hinata could feel the stares in his back grow stronger. "I beat you, Tobio." Hinata choked out not hearing the echoing gasps from his side and Tobio's side at the casual address. Hinata never felt like he was close enough to Tobio to use his first name until now, until he finished what he set out to do all those years ago. Tobio stepped closer and closer, horror and concern furrowing his brows and weighing his lips into a frown. Hinata could feel his team creeping closer to his back, one closer than the others but Hinata couldn't break his focus from Tobio, staring as he reached out grasping his hand through the net, tightening the grip that was keeping him steady. Somehow it soothed Hinata, having Tobio touching him, strengthening him in this like everything else.

"You did, Shouyo. Congratulations. Took you long enough." Tobio said, peering at Hinata's broken face, ignoring his own team calling out.

"I did it. I won." Hinata's hand was shaking, the whole net trembling with the pressure of his grip, his voice wet and thick. Kageyama's eyes widened at the emotion.

"Yes. I know, dumbass I was there, remember." Kageyama's voice was sharp but still teasing. Hinata's laugh broke on a small sob. The tone was missed and familiar. Kageyama's eyes widened even more, leaning closer.

"Tobio, I can't feel my legs." Hinata admitted in a small wet voice. Tears were leaking slowly out his eyes, trailing down his cheeks. Tobio let go of his hand through the net in surprise. Hinata felt his knees buckle slightly. Hinata could feel his emotions running out of control, the urge to sit and cry growing stronger, all he wanted was hug from his best friend and partner, but he had to calm down first. Whoever was behind him reached out, fingers brushing his shoulder, Hinata flinched hard, stepping into the net he was practically hanging off of. "Don't touch me!" He yelped. The unwanted touch sending him crashing to his knees, scrambling away from the small crowd of Adlers and Black Jackals that was surrounding him.

Atsumu stood, arm still stretched out in front. He could feel something in him shriveling up and it took a moment for him to realize it was hope. He had hoped that after this win, Hinata would lose his obsession over his previous setter and finally see him. Hinata's mix of emotions told him that would not be happening anytime soon, especially after he used Kageyama's first name. Hinata was always polite and respectful even to his teammates so it was slightly disconcerting to hear him so casual. He knew he looked hurt and confused, his expression mimicked on Romero's face as he looked at Kageyama. Atsumu could do nothing while Hinata hit the ground, shaking and gasping.

Hinata was mumbling a near constant stream of words, repeating the same phrases over and over. "I can't feel my legs. I finally won. I'm sorry, Tobio. Please. Please." The Black Jackals and Adlers stood around Hinata, unintentionally hiding him from the crowd, and making him panic in earnest. He started gasping, breathing coming unevenly, almost chocking. Tobio froze for a moment, he recognized the symptoms but hadn't seen an attack in years. Hinata had gotten better at dealing with his anxiety in high school but seemed to come back with a vengeance with all his time alone abroad.

"Shouyo!" Tobio called, ducking under the net. "Romero! Bokuto! Our bags and water, now please!" Kageyama bit out. He crouched before Hinata who's gaze was unfocused, looking without seeing. The two bags came quickly and their water bottles. The wall of players hiding them perfectly. "I need some air guys, back up a bit. And we don't need a doctor right now." Tobio said as he opened his bag and began searching. He pulled out his sweatshirt that he warmed up in and his towel. He opened Hinata's bag and rummaged for a moment before growling in frustration and turning back to Hinata. "Shouyo! Can you hear me? Tobio asked voice loud in the near silent gym. The crowd unsure of the going-ons. There was a hitch in what Shouyo's mumbling got around around his irregular breathing. His hands were scrambling at his jersey, skin near his neck red with irritation. "Shouyo I need you to nod if you can hear me. Listen to my voice. It's me, bakayama. I'm the best setter in the world and you just beat me. You are having a panic attack. Do you understand me."

Shouyo took a couple quick inhales before nodding, hands still scratching at his neck. "Tob-io." He hiccupped.

"That's good. That right, just me. I'm right here, love" Tobio took a deep breath. "This may be a lot, but let's get you out of that jersey huh? it can't be very comfortable."

"Tob-io." Shouyo gasped out, shaking still. He did nod, almost frantically. Hands moving to try to strip his shirt off.

Romero and Atsumu and the others froze at the term of endearment, the near panic and absolute adoration in his tone hinted at deep affection and fondness and love that had been there for years. Tobio gently swatted away his hands and with an efficiency based on familiarity, striped and wiped and redressed Shouyo. All the while his warm open gaze reiterating that Kageyama Tobio was for the red head.

"There. That better? I bet, now you smell like me. You always like that." Tobio practically cooed at Hinata.

"Tobio. My legs. Hurt. Sorry." Hinata got out around his shuddering gasps. Tobio's sweatshirt both helped and exacerbated the problem. Before Hinata knew that he needed to try to not completely lose his composure but with Tobio taking care of him through the beginnings of the attack, Hinata could only wallow deeper and hope like every time before, Kageyama would be there to help him get through it.

"Oh, love. I bet they do. I bet they do. You worked so hard during the game. An absolute marvel. Let me get you comfy and I can help with your legs...Why are you crying?" Tobio trailed off into a question seeing Shouyo's shoulders shake and sobs break out. Tobio had a couple towels folded into a makeshift pillow, for this song and dance was nostalgic, often the attacks or post game bus rides ended with Tobio rubbing out the muscles on Hinata's legs while he wore his sweatshirt-soft and smelling like Tobio.

Hinata had his nose shoved into the collar of the sweatshirt that dwarfed him entirely. He was indeed crying, chest hitching with the force of his sobs, tears only leaking out of the corner of his eyes, like he was still trying to smother his tears.

"Smells like you. I missed you so much. I missed you all the time. I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry after all this time you are still taking care of me." Shouyo sobbed out. The rollercoaster of emotions seemed to be still taking their toll on Shouyo. He was losing focus again. Tobio dumped out their bags muttering undr his breath while looking for a jar or tube of familiar cream, his hand shot out and snatched it when he finally found what he was looking for.

"Shouyo. Love. Sun-yo. Come back, focus on my voice. I'm gonna make your legs feel better, okay? Just like always." Tobio pulled off Hinata's shoes to get to his knee pads off before replacing his shoes. He was speaking to Hinata the whole time, mostly his name and explaining what he was doing. He knew Shouyo liked the sound of his voice.

"Hurts. Yama-Yama." He had fallen back into monosyllables but it was better than unintelligible sobbing.

"I'll rub your legs down. Just like always. Remember after nationals? You couldn't even stand. Kenma freaked out, and Daichi carried you to the bus. I had to massage your legs for hours. Tobio said as he began rubbing the lotion into Shouyo's legs. The cold cream made him flinch but the constant pressure and soothing cold had him sighing in relief.

Atsumu blinked at their closeness, letting out a soft "Hm." as he watched. Bokuto looked at him from the corner of his eye.

"Sorry, Tsum-Tsum. I knew he loved him but he was so hesitant on speaking up about it. I just don't think he ever saw you that way. Kageyama holds a very special place in Hinata's life and heart. Has for as long as I have known them. I didn't know how to tell you."

"I never had a chance?" Atsumu asked but he didn't seem to upset, like it was confirmation of something he already knew.

"No, you didn't. "Bokuto agreed. "But maybe you already knew that. I think if you look a little closer to home, you'll find what you are looking for." Atsumu nodded absently and Bokuto dropped the conversation, turning back to Hinata and Kageyama-who were still talking in a effort to calm Hinata down.

"I made you meat buns for that. Natsu helped me. She was excited to make something for Tobio-nii." Shouyo said. He was sniffling now, tears leaking slowly. Tobio felt some of the tension ease around them. Hinata was calming down.

"There we go. You're okay. We're okay." Tobio flashed a smile, but Shouyo didn't see it. He had an arm thrown over his face and his shoulders were shaking a bit.

"God, you take such good care of me and even Natsu. I couldn't go to any of her games, I barely could talk to her. I was gone for years. I would hear how good she was, how she was a natural setter. Weeks went by, seasons went by and I wasn't there. I had to depend on you for her brotherly support she needed. I showed her volleyball and then left her. How screwed up is that. You should go, leave me to take care of myself." Shouyo was spiraling, falling into the attack that he hadn't quite shaken off yet.

"No. I love you. I love Natsu. I want to support her and if that means I have to do it twice as hard, to make up for you following your dreams, so be it." Tobio said, denying Shouyo's attempt to push him away. Atsumu and Romero and the others flinched at the easy confession especially when it triggered another wave of sobs.

"I barely talked to you while I was gone. I almost quit and came home. I hated it there some days. I was alone and scared and it felt like middle school all over again, like I had wasted so much time and I was going to waste even more. I ignored everyone, I couldn't stomach the thought of anyone knowing how much I wanted to give up and clip my wings forever. I'm so sorry. Forgive me? I love you too." Shouyo's sobs were dry and painful to hear, like he was out of tears but couldn't calm down yet.

"I fell in love with you, not your athleticism. I fell in love with the person who pushed me to be better. I fell in love with the person who took an extra step for me even when I didn't ask. I fell in love with the person who showed me that letting people in is okay and not everyone will hurt me. I fell in love with the person who jumped for me with his eyes closed, putting his trust in a promise even to this day. I fell in love with you. Nothing is going to change that." Tobio' couldn't stop the words pouring out of him, realizing he needed to say them as much as Shouyo needed to hear them. Tobio looked at his hands which had stopped in their task of rubbing and massaging and started back up again. He slowed down, focusing on a small area that caused Shouyo to wince.

"Gosh, you hands. So good." Shouyo groaned, melting at little at the attention.

Tobio laughed. "The best. I know."

Shouyo reached down and grabbed his wrist. "I really did miss you. It killed me some days. I was there working in Rio when you were on the JNT. I tried to watch your games but it was hard to watch you, when it wasn't me you were tossing to. Selfish of me, I know."

"I missed you too. It was hard for me. It always it. You're my spiker. My best spiker. I can't wait to toss to you again." Tobio gently shook of Shouyo's grip to continue.

"What happens next? Where do we go from here?" Shouyo asked.

"Dumbass, we said to the top. We got one more stop along the way. Tokyo 2020. Think you can join me on the JNT this year?" Kageyama blindly reached around for a water bottle he put next to them. He finally grabbed it and handed it over, neither blinking when Kageyama handed over his own bottle and Hinata began chugging.

"Drink slowly. You'll make yourself sick. Are you nauseated? I need to look for your meds. You should take them both. I think the crowd might trigger you again. You seem to be coming out of it pretty well." Tobio began looking in earnest seeing Shouyo sitting up.

"Tobio always taking such good care of me. Marry me?" Shouyo began mopping at his face and neck to clean up the cold sweat that had broke out during the attack.

"You confessed for the first time today and now you are proposing?" Tobio was looking through the pile of their things, shoving what wasn't needed into their bags. He had made the executive decision that Shouyo was coming to his place that night.

"Don't joke. We both know I have been in love with you for years." Shouyo tried for nonchalance but the attack had left him a bit shaky and tone deaf and his missed the mark.

"I only began to put it together recently that you loved me. I knew I loved you. Yachi helped. A lot." Tobio found the pill bottles he was looking for along with one other thing he was looking for to put in his bag but the second of the exact same thing was giving him pause. "Here. Take this and then let this one dissolve under your tongue. You know the drill."

Hinata, we should probably clear out. We've been here a while. Are you going home with-"Bokuto began.

"Me. Ge can stay at mine. I have your favorite sheets on the bed, your mom's pork curry on the stove and my softest shirt laid out for you." Tobio had packed away the meds and was staring at the two objects on the gym floor unsure of what to do. He knew one was his but not which one.

"Oh! A sleepover? like High school? Can I share your bed again?" Shouyo tried to tease, wanting to lighten the mood. He was trying to stand up, taking it slowly so he didn't get sick or fall.

Yes, dumbass. But you kick me, you're dead." Tobio frowned. His voice sound distracted and distant to even himself.

"What's the matter?" The two teams were beginning to scatter, not seeing what Kageyama was looking at.

"Um. One of these if definitely mine." Tobio's voice sounded weak and shaky, the two teams turning to see him holding one small black box in each hand.

Shouyo sighed heavily. "You weren't supposed to see that." He scratched at his cheek, reaching out and taking his box. Atsumu and Romero were gaping at the two.

"You-You-You were serious? You really meant to ask me? You were having a panic attack and your legs couldn't even support your weight and yet you asked me to marry you?" Tobio's voice was high and thready. The Adlers and Jackals were frozen, but as they were on their way to the locker rooms, the remaining crowd and camera's were able to make out was was happening.

"What about you? How long have you been carrying that around?" Shouyo demanded.

"I had Yachi help me, three days after you had gone. I woke up and missed you so much I almost bought plane tickets. You called me telling me how loud Rio was and you sounded so scared. I wanted someway to be with you. So I asked and she dropped everything to help me pick it out. I wanted to give you my ring and my name and that way you know no matter what I'm here just like you are for me." Tobio admitted.

"I would be honored to take your name, Yama-Yama. We will be the best Kageyamas." Shouyo stepped into Tobio's space, murmuring soft enough for him to hear.

"Shouyo. My Shouyo. Marry me?" Tobio's voice and eyes were wet. This was not how he expected this day to go at all but he wouldn't change it for anything. Everyday with Shouyo was always the same, an absolute miracle.

"Only if you marry me first?" Shouyo responded.

They put the rings on each other to thunderous applause from one section of the crowd-that upon looking sat most of the alums of Karasuno and others- followed by the rest of the crowd and the Adlers and Black Jackals. The two blushed heavily at the attention, Shouyo stumbling a bit from his complete exhaustion. Tobio pulled Shouyo in closer and shouldered their bags. He dropped a soft kiss into Hinata's hair.

"Love you, sun-yo. Let's get out of here.

"Love you too, Yama-Yama. Can we skip the showers. I wanted to see the senpai's though."

"Yeah. Just for a bit. We can all see each other tomorrow at the reunion more, okay?" Tobio agreed. Shouyo hummed and nodded. Tobio looked down at this man who he fell in love with all those years ago. The man who still took one more step, with each day reiterating the promise he made to always be there. 'Lots of things had changed since we first met. But at the end of the day they were always the same, Me and Shouyo together for each other." Tobio thought before they were ambushed by the Karasuno Alumni and their bubble of peace was broken.

************************************************************************

#haikyuu!! #haikyu!! #hinata shoyuo #Kageyama tobio #Kagehina #love confessions #friends to lovers #saundraswriting #saundrasays

[saundraswriting]

Missed Signals Chapter 3

SUMMARY: Reki is sensitive when it comes to how others perceive him. He tries to be involved but not overly so, he doesn't want to be seen as a nuisance to the rest of the gang when some of them seem busy. Koyomi helps with the manic build-destroy-build energy Reki tries to channel through.

WARNINGS: Nothing too grand, descriptions of ADHD symptoms,

NOTES: I am trying to cope with what I am thinking is undiagnosed ADHD by projecting onto my favorite characters. I mean no harm and no offense.

Ao3 // Missed Signals Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Reki texted Langa on Saturday. We r gonna sk8 l8er right? The simple I'm busy. I will see you at S tonite. gave him pause, not often was Langa too busy for him and didn't tell him what was going on, Langa was quick to explain what he was doing and invite Reki along. Reki pouted at his phone. OK. C U 2nite then. Reki answered back. He knew that Langa had bad days like everyone else and a life all his own. Reki knew that Nanako even had friends and family in Okinawa, which is why they moved here in the first place. Reki didn't have the monopoly on Langa no matter how much he wished that true. 'I don't own him. He can do whatever he wants. We aren't attached at the hip.' Reki tried to reason with himself but all he can think about is how yesterday at lunch he was too busy talking about a Movie he had recently watched that inspired him to sketch a bit. He remembered interrupting Langa a few times during their breaks and even being more fidgety than usual. 'You talked to much on Friday. Langa needs a break from you. You are too dependent on him, you are smothering him. He needs some time away, deserves it from having to put up with you.'The dark parts of his mind whisper to him. The text did seem overly blunt and dismissive.

Reki shook off the intrusive thoughts, trying to ignore the beginning of anxiety churning in his gut. He can feel the restlessness creeping in; the shaking in his fingers, the urge to pull his hair. Reki bounced on his toes shaking his hands roughly. Reki decided to turn the anxious energy into productive energy. Anything would be better than sitting and stewing in his self-depreciation. He looked around, his room could use a good cleaning and his desk needed re-organized, as did the workshop.

Reki made his way to the kitchen, headphones draped around his neck. "Mom, Langa had to cancel his plans last minute. So I won't be heading out like I planned. So, I am gonna clean my room okay?" Reki grabbed a couple of bags, and cleaner and cloths from under the sink missing the shared look of mild horror from Masae and Koyomi. He darted off once his items were secured.

"You are excused from your chores today for the time being. Please sit with him and keep him on track. Maybe we can prevent him from rearranging his room again. Thank you, dear!" Koyomi was off her stool waving over her shoulder in acknowledgement as she followed Reki to his room. Both the girls were aware what Reki could and couldn't do if left to his own devices. Even if the other person was completely silent their presence was enough to keep Reki focused. Past times of cleaning his room led to the ramp outside his window being built after he tore his bed apart trying to move it, another time ended up with all his clothes on the floor while trying to make a fort in his closet, and their was once a time where he was considering a skylight but was promptly interrupted by Masae before he could get to the roof. Koyomi came in just in time to see Reki strip the sheets off his western style bed( he deemed the floor too hard to sleep on after a day of skating. The rest of the family quickly followed suit upon realizing how comfortable they were). Koyomi only side and put a reminder on her phone to replace his sheets or he would spend the next three days sleeping in a nest of throw blankets and pillows from the living room. Koyomi was 16 not stupid, she knew that Reki snuck out most saturdays for something and he would never remember to put clean sheets on if/when he came home. Reki placed the bundle of sheets in a basket left by his door by Masae. He threw his laundry in too. Masae and the twins loved doing laundry, especially hanging it all outside. He sorted the trash in his room and then put it into bags, then vacuumed before taking a break. 'He is pretty focused on this today. I wonder if something happened.'

Reki took a break, u busy l8er? texted Miya but after a few moments with no response, he began pulling at his fingers, pushing them, rubbing harshly at the joints. He was chewing his lip too, gaze completely focused on his phone. He could hear the voice in the back of his head getting louder again. 'You think a nationally ranked skateboarder has time for you? Miya Chinen doesn't play with slimes like you. He has more important things to worry about.' Reki ignored the voice, trying to logically reason it away. 'He is probably busy. He is an important person. He'll text back any minute now. I should keep working while I wait.' He went over to the mess of skateboarding catalogues he had and began organizing them.

He kept the ones from the current quarter with a note on top to remind him they needed read. He quickly flipped through the others, seeing how most of them had pieces missing threw them away. He put the new ones and the inspiration binder in a drawer in his desk. The binder was full of things Reki and Langa had found interesting or inspiring to try for the future, they had even made a similar one at DopeSketch for customers requesting special commissions or parts for their rig. It was helpful for increasing amount of people coming through from S since Langa had started showing off his new board to anyone who would listen. Reki continued on through his desk, anything not school related went on his bare bed by Koyomi while he sorted through his school things, stacking them with notes to divide them until he could consolidate them further. He had began checking his pens and paints and markers and pencils and sketchbooks for dead ones when his phone caught Koyomi's attention.

"Reki, phone." She said while grabbing his elbow, he flinched slightly even though he knew she was there the entire time. she rolled her eyes at his dramatic double take and slid his headphones off. "Meow-ya texted you back." He snatched the phone up.

Hey slime, I will be there in a few minutes. Langa had said something about you getting a new commission the other day. I wanted to see how that was going. I guess I can entertain you in his stead today. Miya had responded, his message properly typed and punctuated.

Thx. That'll b g8. c u l8er Reki shot back. The three dots were blinking so he waited a bit for Miya's response.

Jeez, learn to text properly. What are you 12?" Miya asked.

No but you r. lol." Reki laughed as he handed Koyomi his phone. "Let him know I am finishing my room if he asks and to just let himself in. I really need to get this done now." Reki nodded once, firmly. His shoulders were stiff and he kept turning slowly in a circle, Koyomi knew he was getting overwhelmed with the prospect of a friend he cared for coming.

"I have something that might help you now and in the future. I got it for you when mom and I went shopping the other day." Koyomi said. She hurried off and got it thrusting it in Reki's hands as he blinked in confusion. "I got you a label maker. That way you can actually organize all your art and skating stuff and not panic when you can't find it later. Since you can never seem to keep track of things, like at all." Koyomi teased with a bright smile. Reki beamed back.

"Thank you so much, Koyomi. This is a huge help. I can't wait to use it. Might have to wait a bit before I get to use it though." Reki told her. The tension seemed to ease in his shoulders. His room was clean and almost finished. He seemed a little more relaxed then he had all morning it seemed to Koyomi.

Until he saw Miya's response to the earlier joke.

I hate you sometimes.

Reki blanched, fingers twisting into painful looking knots in front of him, lips bloodless from where he was biting them so hard.

Koyomi was 16 not stupid. She had meet Miya Chinen once or twice. The 15 year old National Skateboarding team-hopeful was a savage as his mascot. Cute and cuddly and warm one minute and quick to change temperament towards sharp savagery in the blink of an eye. To his friends it was usually softened by closeness, sharp and quick but not violent. Koyomi knew he didn't mean for his comment to hurt Reki the way it seemed to and she knew that had Reki been feeling his usual self he wouldn't have taken it so personally but something had already affected him that much was obvious.

But today those words seemed to hit him harder than usual. Koyomi made to text back but Reki swiped his phone before she could type a letter. His fingers danced over the screen before he tossed it back towards her and moving back to his desk. He returned to organizing his art supplies, trying and failing at nonchalance. He was more subdued than earlier when the idea of the label maker had made him smile. He was testing all his markers and pens, throwing away the used ones but spreading the good ones into a large messy pile on the top of his desk. He undid all if his earlier work and was making a mess that he wouldn't find his way out of anytime soon. He had lost sight of his goal and was spiraling into familiar territory; creation and destruction. Koyomi was surprised he hadn't commented on his desire to rearrange his room yet. 'He had almost finished his desk before Miya's text ruined his train of thought, now he couldn't remember how he was going to sort everything. When he gets agitated or losses his goal he tries to do something often ending up with a room so messy he can't think. He tends to look worse than when he began. I wonder if things like Miya's text set him off.' Koyomi thought. "Reki-bro. Does this happen a lot when you get anxious or feel like you are a burden? Why do you undo everything you worked hard on when things like this happen?" Koyomi asked. Reki looked up from the massive pile of art stuffs. He looked at her wide-eyed and lost. Koyomi felt her small heart break. Her brother was her hero, she only wanted him to see how much everyone loved him.

"What do you mean, Koi? I don't think I am a burden. I can't help wanted to change things, I am not meant to stick to a day after day routine. I get going and then when I come up for air, it looks like this. I don't mean for it to happen, so I don't really know why I do it. I don't even realize I am doing it sometimes. The saying if it ain't broke don't fix it doesn't really apply to me. I pull things apart and then am left with a mess purely by accident and then sometimes I get an idea in my head and I can't not do it. I try to change it for the better and when it doesn't work end up in the same place. It is this weird twitchy energy sometimes." Reki tried his best to explain the reasoning or lack thereof to his sister and when she nodded slowly he knew she wasn't fully grasping the concept that he could barely articulate.

"I don't really get what you are saying." Koyomi began. Reki sighed. "But I want to help. So how about we work on the desk. You keep sorting pens into usable and not and then we can break it down into small groups from there. if we work together we can get it done quick. I just need to know your criteria for each group." Koyomi mimed pulling up her sleeves and stepped up next to Reki. He looked down at his little sister, swallowing hard and blinking the extra moisture from his eyes.

'I barely know what it going on in my head. There are days were even breathing seems to be hard for me, I have to learn that I am not alone. Just like Joe tried to tell me.' Reki sniffed and began testing his supplies. Koyomi broke the mess into simple tools(markers pens pencils) and non simple tools(paints, brushes, paint markers) When that was done she asked for Reki's input. The simple tools got broken down into their broad categories and then from there into the brands/types. Reki's regular pens and pencils were in a spot, his markers and marker pens and brush pens and the like were all sorted and labeled. The same with the brushes and paints and such. With Reki's approval, Koyomi used the label maker to finalize the decisions, causing a bright smile to light up Reki's face.

"Now, you can re-organize your stuff without causing too much issue, cause the containers are movable but the groupings are not. Simple." Koyomi teased. Reki stuck his tongue out at her and finished cleaning his desk off. She grabbed Reki's phone, to see if she could salvage whatever Reki had ruined but the conversation didn't seem to need help.

Sorry. I can handle the commission on my own. I wouldn't want to be a hinderance. You have a lot on your plate as it is. I don't need supervision.Reki had texted Miya with complete sentences and proper puncuation.

The hell? Did you fall and hit you head?

You slime, who told you that you are a hinderance. If I was busy I wouldn't have invited myself to your house.

You know what? I am definitely coming over now. You can't stop me. Something is obviously bothering you and the last time this happened you disappeared. I am not letting that happen again.

Koyomi smiled down at Reki's phone, 'I am so glad he found people to see him.' She had sent a brief text to Langa earlier, giving some details or Reki's latest obstacle. She knew that he had been trying to document everything lately, to better help Reki. He replied with a thank you and a promise to add it to the list.

"All right Reki-bro. I think it looks nice and functional. Now, you can change it if needed but not without me. I have decided I shall be your impulse control when you are at home." Koyomi winked but her comment fell a little flat when Reki winced and blushed.

"Am I so bad that I need babysat? Do I cause that much trouble? No wonder Langa sent Miya to watch me. Who knows what I would have done or not done today if he hadn't. Not that it matters since I told him I am fine without him."

Koyomi watched as the light in Reki's eye dimmed, and he seemed to shrink right in front of her. His shoulders drew up around his ears, he chewed on his lip, digging his nails into his fingers. His attention drifted inwards. Koyomi didn't know what triggered such a change besides the idea of having to be looked after but that didn't seem like the true source of this issue.

Reki could hear with voice in his head growing louder again. 'See you even burden your sister. What a terrible big brother you are. Langa sent someone to watch you because they feel responsible for you since you tag a long so often. They don't really like you. Miya only offered to come because Langa asked him to.'

"Big bro, that isn't what I meant at all. You aren't a child that needs watched or cause trouble. You are a human with quirks that need a safe outlet, one that will actually help and until we figure out what that means, we all want to support you. You have this tendency to not put yourself first or even second. So I want to help you take care of yourself. So does everyone else, because we all love you. Now let's keep going." Together Koyomi and Reki finished organizing and cleaning his room, they didn't even look up when Masae took the dirty clothes and sheets leaving fresh ones for later. Koyomi had stopped to make the bed and Reki finally stopped when Masae knocked on the door. The two of them had cleaned every surface, making the room look fresh and clean.

'Koyomi and Reki I must say, I am impressed. Great job guys. This needed done. Koyomi you were a great help for Reki, proud of you. Reki, Miya is here. Do you want me to send him to the garage? I can make snacks in a bit too." Masae praised her kids, proud to see how well they did.

"I told him he didn't need to come." Reki said to no one. "Can you have him go to the garage. Snacks will be great whenever, mom. Thank you." Reki looked at his clean room, cleaned for the first time in months to this extent but grimaced at the trash and debris on his floor.

"Go. I will finish here. Just promise me, that you'll talk to me or Langa or someone when you need to. I want you to go to your workshop and finish that commission, cause I don't want to here you griping about it later. Have fun with Miya. He cares just as much as the rest of us." Koyomi nudged Reki towards the door, ignoring his half made protests.

Reki looked back at Koyomi only to see her wave him away and shut the door in his face. Reki took the hint and went to his workshop/garage. He stood outside, second-guessing himself. Before he could make a decision the door flung open and Miya Chinen stood angrily in the doorway.

"You idiot slime. I have so many bones to pick with you, I practically have a damn skeleton." Miya reached out fisting his hand in Reki's sweatshirt and yanking him in. Reki held his hands up in a non-threatening gesture stumbling through the doorway.

"Miya, I'm sorry. You didn't have to make time for me because Langa said so. I didn't mean to pull you away from something important." Reki began. Miya had let go of him, watching Reki flap his hands about trying to postpone Miya's temper.

"No. Not accepting apologies right now. I'd like to remind you that you texted me first to see if I could skate but I reminded you about your commission. I reminded you because I remember you and Langa talking about it. You said the sometimes having someone around helps your productivity. I asked Langa if you wouldn't mind if it was me. I didn't want to ask and make you uncomfortable." Miya started. Reki kept quiet, knowing that Miya was only getting warmed up. "At no point was I asked to 'babysit' you. Reki,, to people who really care for you, you will not be a hinderance or a burden. You are my friend. I may tease you rather aggressively, but I don't mean anything by it, so you can start getting those thoughts out of your head. Now, should we discuss what happened today? What might have caused the downward spiral?" Miya asked hesitantly. Reki stayed quiet, studying Miya. Finally Reki sighed, nodding.

"I am not sure." Reki said. He pulled out the longboard commission they had been talking about. 'Langa and I had plans but he cancelled on me last minute, which was unusual. I tried to rationalize it, I don't own him, he has other friends I'm sure and even family here. I am not entitled to his every minute. But I just got stuck in my own head. I know that I can be a lot to tolerate. I forget things, misunderstand things, too loud, obnoxious, I get irritated for no reason sometimes, can't focus or can't not focus. I just thought what if I annoyed him to much and he needed time away and didn't want to say anything. The gang understand as does my family, I need someone to check me when my brain goes to hard. I forget to eat or drink or sleep when I get going. Cleaning can be a chore and even the idea of a shower can be too much, all the little steps that make it up seem insurmountable." As Reki spoke, he seemed to shrink on himself, shoulders drawing up and voice growing muted. He avoided Miya's gaze focusing instead on painted the deck of the longboard. He was very carefully painting a beach boardwalk at sunset on the bottom, currently working on the wooden boardwalk in the foreground. "Hell, If I was Langa I would need a break from a practical delinquent like me. I got him involved in an illegal skateboarding ring ran by a crazy pedophile. I wouldn't be upset if he told me he needed space, I just want to know. I would understand."

"Reki, you don't know, do you? Langa is absolutely head-over-heels for you right. Like there is no one more important in his life than you pardon his mom and most days that is even up in the air. Have you ever thought that Langa came here for a reason?" Miya asked.

"His dad died. Japan doesn't allow dual citizenship. His mom had to come back." Reki answered, missing the point.

"Yes, and Langa still in mourning, in a country half a world away from home, find you and you show him skateboarding. You, this boy, who came out of nowhere to welcome him with open arms, to show him something worth living for." Miya tries to explain. 'You! You are the thing worth living for, you stupid boy.' Miya tried to push telepathically. Unfortunately Reki cannot read minds.

"Oh." Reki blinked. Miya rolled his eyes. waving for Reki to continue. "I just felt unwanted, ignored. Then you said you would come over and I was happy. I hadn't let the bad thoughts win, and I able to breathe again. When you said you hated me, it just brought it all crashing on me again. How was I supposed to just ask a National Team hopeful to drop everything and come to my house. The Olympics are in Tokyo, and Skateboarding is debuting, I want you to do well. I don't want my issues being the reason you miss important training. Langa is my best friend and can't stand me. Everyone is only tolerating me, too nice to say anything. That kind of stuff, a downward spiral. Then you showed up, and threw me for a loop. Knocked some sense into me. However, I know that one day, you'll leave. I will be too much and I'll be alone again." Reki peered closely at the board, touching it up here and there before pulling out a hairdryer. He used the cool air setting to dry the paint a bit faster, trying to avoid cracking and once done, grabbed some sealant then setting it aside to dry.

"I knew you were a slime but I didn't know you were stupid too. We are your friends. We wouldn't leave you or ignore you because we grew annoyed with you. Your personality is what brought us together as friends, as a family. Without you there is no us. We aren't going to wake up one day and drop you. We want to help you, and that means talking to us. All of us. Kaoru and Kojiro care for you too. So does Hiromi and Skokichi. But we can't help you if you don't say anything. I get that is can be hard but we can start small. You did well the other day when you came Sia De Luce when working on schoolwork." Miya patted Reki's shoulder, politely not commenting on the wet sniffles and watery eyes he was trying to hide. "Now, come on. Let's finish this so we can meet up with the others soon. I think you can nail that trick you were trying the other day.'

"Yeah, I like the sound of that." Reki gave Miya a bright albeit small smile and got back to work, drying the sealant and applying another coat drying that as well before begin the assembling process.

************************************************************************

#sk8 the infinity #domestic sk8 family #reki kyan x langa hasegawa #renga fanfic #saundraswriting #saundrasays

[saundraswriting]

Huddling for Warmth

“I decided to join a writing challenge for @bonkywobble‘s hafwayto1K. I did Huddling for Warmth and Cosmogyral. I hope you enjoy! I also have a mutil-fandom blog @saundrasays

SUMMARY: You head to DC with Steve and Bucky and on the way back after an unexpected dip in the Potomac leads to you three huddling for warmth on the Quinjet. 

Masterlist // Ao3

Being a personal assistant to the Avengers was definitely more than you bargained for. You had been hired by Pepper. There were too many Avengers and not enough hands to wrangle them on the busy days or the day to day things. You accepted without hesitation, getting to work right along the Avengers, even if most of your work was tedious and some days felt like you were watching over toddles. You had gotten lucky to be given Captain Steve Rogers and Sargent James “Bucky” Barnes. They were easy to get along with, not very demanding and honestly cared for you. They asked to you go with them to meetings away from the compound and to PR stunts around the world knowing how much you like to travel and learn about the world. The arrangement was better than you could have ever hoped for after graduating college with a business management degree.

“Hey, Y/N. You ready to go? We have that meeting down in Washington today. You wanted to go didn’t you?” Captain Rogers asked knocking on the open frame of your door. You looked up from where you were packing your purse. One thing working and living with the Avengers taught you to be ready for everything.

“Yeah. I am excited. This is the first time I get to be there with the Cherry Blossom festival. I am so excited. I have been trying to go for ages. I am hoping with it being a weekday it won’t be so busy.” You quickly looked around hoping you didn’t forget anything, you patted yourself down to find you phone.

“I am glad that you get to go then. Remember to grab your camera, doll.” Sargent Barnes chimed in from behind Steve. You snapped your fingers beaming and got the top of the line camera that was their most recent Christmas gift to you.

“Thank you, Sargent Barnes. I am ready now.” You grabbed your bag. You looked up at the two super soldiers with a bright grin. You were so happy to be able to be apart of their lives, you were even happier that they got to be part of each other’s lives. The two of them moved against the wall, giving you room to lock your door and say bye to FRIDAY.

“We’re taking the Quinjet today. Well, one of them.” Captain Rogers told you. They let you go before them, shortening their stride to keep just behind you. “I figured that way you would be there as soon as possible. I know it is a little early but I figure that way you would have the whole day to yourself, sweetheart.”

“Oh! That is so nice of you. Thank you so much. We should hurry then.” You picked up your pace. Steve and Bucky shared a smile, letting you get further ahead, the picnic they planned in secret would be a perfect surprise for you too.

Upon arriving at the Triskelion’s airfield, you all got into an elevator. “Sargent Barnes and Captain Rogers, you know where you are going? You will be okay? Do I need to send the meeting points again?” You were fidgeting in place trying to force the professionalism you didn’t feel.

“We are perfectly fine. If we need anything, we can always ask someone here. We want you to go and have fun. We have a surprise planned for you around 1:30. We’ll call you okay? Go take lots of pictures. Enjoy yourself. I know you are dying to, doll.” Sargent Barnes gave you a light shove into the lobby towards the doors.

“Okay. If you are sure. Then I’ll be off. See you later.” You scurried off through the doors, a bubble of excitement practically visible.

“Oh how I wish we were going with her. I would rather do anything than this meeting. Aw, well. The faster we are done, the faster we see her again.” Steve clapped a hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “We decided to do this so we can spend the afternoon with her. So let’s get a move on. The two of them stepped back into the elevator to begin their morning of meetings that probably had no application to them, but seeing as they were the only ones free, were forced to go to.

The day dragged as slowly as they believed it would. The only thing that broke up the monotony was the food they were given constantly and the selfies you sent or the social media updates you posted. Ever picture was somehow better than the next, the lighting and angles getting better, your smile bigger. Steve and Bucky could feel their fondness and pride and affection for you grow. You may have stumbled into their lives as their PA but your meant more than that now. You were part of their family.

“Thank you both for coming today. I appreciate it. Having you here is important. I will make sure to send everything of note to you PA later today. See you later.” Maria Hill and several other SHIELD agents left the room.

“Sweet freedom! You go get lunch and I will call Y/N. Find a place to meet.” Steve said. Bucky nodded and they headed over the elevators. Steve went down in one while Bucky went up in another. Steve called you on the way down.

“Hey. I was wondering if you were free to meet for our surprise. Bucky and I got out and are done for the day. I had a place in mind if you were okay with it.” Steve’s voice came across your phone. You grinned at nothing, looking up at the sakura tree you were taking a break under.

“For you, anything. Want to meet at the Triskelion? Or should I meet you at the location? I can do either.” You packed up your meager belongings, leaving you camera out for more pictures.

“I have a spot next to the Potomac. It is near a park and has a great view. How about you meet us here and we will all go together.” Steve suggested. You hummed in agreement turning towards the Triskelion.

When you got there, Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes were waiting patiently by the doors. They both had a basket hanging on their arms. You tilted you head in confusion. “Are-”

“Nope. No questions. Follow us. It isn’t too far away.” Steve and Bucky led the way to a small nature park on the bank of the Potomac. There was a natural depression leading to a very nice dock and scenery. The three of you weren’t the only ones enjoying the warmth of the sun. There were a few other families, but they stayed at tables while Bucky and Steve readied the picnic under a tree near the bank. They set up nice finger foods and warm tea and fruit on plates for all of you to enjoy. You took a few pictures while you all talked about your day, laughing at the two super soldiers uneasiness. The hours passed and just as you were getting ready to suggest a sunset trip back to the cherry blossoms you were interrupted but a mother yelling for her son.

“It’s too cold to swim, sweetie. We can’t go in. We have to wait for the weather to get warmer. You’ll get sick if you-” Her words fell on deaf ears as the child, laughing, jumped off the dock into the river.

“No! Charlie, you can’t swim.” The mother began to run faster but you and Steve and Bucky could see him thrashing in the water, too deep and cold for him to survive long. The mother’s screams were getting more frantic and You could feel the two men freeze next to you.

They already had issues going into water as it was, let alone the freezing water of the Potomac. You scrambled to your feet before quickly stripping your outer layers. “I am gonna get that kid.” You raced off, not even missing a beat before you arced off the dock and swam out to the kid. You could feel the bottom of the river against your toes, not enough to stand firmly. You lift the kid above you, hoping he would stop thrashing and just breath. He did as you hoped calming significantly. You were reading water badly; you could feel it sitting in your lungs and stomach. Taking a deep breath, you tucked one arm under the young boy’s armpit and used the other one to swim back to shore.

You were slower on the return trip then the way out but you were tired. Bucky and Steve met you closer to the beach, you were kneeling trying to catch your breath. Steve picked up the kid and carried him back to his mom. You could just make out their cries of joy and Steve trying to explain the risks of hypothermia and pneumonia. Bucky-seeing as you could barely stand-picked you up and carried you to the blanket. You were shivering but weakly. Not a good sign when it comes to hypothermia.

“We need to get you changed. We’ll let Steve pack up. I’ll take you back to the Triskelion, we can get you some dry clothes at least. Then we can head home, doll.” Bucky said. Steve agreed hearing the trail end of the conversation. Bucky carried you back as he said he would, upon arrival Maria met them at the door.

“I’ll help her get changed. And dried. Then you guys can head home.” Maria took you into a locker room and stripped off your clothes. You weren’t very helpful, cold and tired and lethargic, you couldn’t help her much. She removed all your clothes, muttering under her breath. She redressed you in a tank top and t shirt and jacket, and two pairs of sweat pants and socks. She helped you back to Bucky who was joined by Steve.

“Let’s head back to the jet and then we can worry about getting you warm. You aren’t even shivering.” Bucky swept you up and the three of you got on the elevator.

“Sorry for ruining the day. I wanted to get more pictures too.” You sulked in Bucky’s arms.

“Yeah but you saved a little kid’s life. We were frozen.” Steve said. “Thank you for that, sweetheart.” He headed to the pilot seat, getting the jet up and running. Bucky settled down near you taking off your jacket and his shirt wrapping you up in blankets. You snuggled in cooing at the warmth he was putting off. Steve turned on the auto pilot, sending a message to Natasha to be ready to get you into a bath upon arrival.

“Come on, Steve. Join us. She could use the body heat.” Bucky jerked his head to entice him into your human fort of warmth and comfort. The next few hours were spent cuddling the furnaces that you called friends, shivering and almost biting off your tongue as you slowly heated up.

Steve got up close to the end of the flight to land the jet while Bucky stayed curled around you, listening to the slight rasp in your lungs as you breathed. Once they landed and the ramp came down, the others could only see the top of your and Bucky’s head and a mountain of blankets.

“Only the three of you could come back from a day of meeting and return with a hypothermic personal assistant. Amazing.” Natasha said. “Come on, let me fix it. Again.” The Avengers laughed and Bucky and Steve spluttered trying to explain themselves.

“I had a good time today. Thank you for letting me go along. I enjoyed the picnic too. Now, I am gonna take a shower and go to bed. See you tomorrow.” You clambered out of the nest on the floor of the Quin jet stumbling over to a sympathetic Natasha.

“We did too. Thank you for all your hard work. Tomorrow can you see Bruce for a checkup? We don’t want you getting sick now.” Steve and Bucky waved at you and Natasha from the top of the ramp. You hollered an affirmative as you were escorted away. “Well life certainly isn’t boring with her around.”

“No. and I wouldn’t change it for the world. We should clean up. Maybe we can have a movie night or something.” Steve said.

“Hell yeah. Let’s get a move on.” Bucky cheered.

*******************************************************************************************

Well how was it?

#bonkyshalfwayto1k #saundrasays #saundraswriting #Steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #domestic avengers #steve rogers fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfiction

[saundraswriting]

Missed Signals

Missed Signals is also located on Ao3 if you prefer!

SUMMARY: Reki might have a problem. He gets hyperfixated. He is too loud. He has a delayed sleep schedule. He forgets to eat and drink sometimes. He zones out a lot, and even more when he tries to pay attention. He fidgets with his hair and his clothes and his skin to the point of injury. His brain works, sometimes. Other times he has to fight it. He has learned to cope enough over the years but just like everything else, some days are better than others. Good thing he has Langa and the others willing to help him realize it isn't a problem.

PAIRINGS: Reki Kyan x Langa Hasegawa minor Nanjo Koijiro x Sakurayashiki Karou (AKA Joe x Cherry Blossom)

WARNINGS: slight unintentional self-harm and self-induced anxiety, self-depreciation

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 //

#sk8 the infinity #renga #reki kyan x langa hasegawa #adhd!reki #sk8 family #sk8 fanfic #renga fanfic #Emotional hurt/comfort #fluff #physical intimacy #domestic sk8 family #saundraswriting #saundrasays

[saundraswriting]

Cosmogyral

I decided to participate in a writing challenge for a great author, Georgie at @bonkywobble. This is the first of two prompts for this challenge. I hope you enjoy it! 

SUMMARY: Cosmogyral: (Adj.) Whirling around the universe. Bucky stops whirling about the universe once the reader enters his life. 

This is being posted on my writing blog instead of my main blog @saundrasays. Please check out my other works if you wish. 

Masterlist // Ao3

Recovery was hard. Shuri and everyone in Wakanda did what they could for him. They were able to somehow fix his brainwaves into being triggerless, but he still had so much trauma to work through that some days he could barely move. There were days that the weight of the world bent his back, his hands were stained red. His time in Wakanda helped him learn how to be human again, caring for the goats and interacting with people, he even relearned his strength. He was able to train and spar and not kill and that did great things for his mental health. He was stable, but not happy. He wasn’t sure what would make him happy anymore.

“Hey, Buck.” A deep voice came through the sparring room. Bucky looked over from where he was working at a punching bag. His eye brightened significantly seeing you and Steve come through the door.

“Y/N! Hey. Good to see you too, Steve.” Bucky smiled, walking over to them. Steve shot Bucky a knowing grin at the enthusiasm but said nothing.

“We came to move you out of basic training, dingbat.” You were rocking back and forth from toe to heel, excitement palatable. “You based all your checks and Shuri and the others gave the recommendation for a return to New York.” You were grinning from ear to ear. You and Bucky had grown close over the events with Zemo and the almost Civil War.

You were one of the few that successfully drove attention from the in-fighting to the bigger problems, also pointed out that the Accords as they were written were terrible. Your involvement led to a peaceful reconciliation and explanation instead of a practical disbandment of the Avengers, much to yours and everyone’s pleasure. You worked closely with everyone to get their opinions and strived to find solutions, one of those was a location change. You suggested a move to somewhere out of sight, fit for training and bonding. No one was against you and as such you were along for the ride to collect one of the remaining members.

“Wait, what? I can go home?” Bucky froze, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Then slowly, like a sunrise a grin crossed his face. His eyes scrunched up and he had dimples on his cheeks. The shoulders that seemed to be weighed down by something relaxed and eased, making him seem younger.

“Yep! We are gonna help ya pack and then get you home. Well sort of. We don’t live in the city proper anymore. But I think you will like this better, anyways.” You put your hand to the side of your mouth to whisper. “It was my idea.” You winked and turned quickly on your heel. “Hurry the hell up, oldies. We got shit to do and places to be.” You trotted out of the room hollering for Shuri, even though you knew exactly where she was.

“You heard her. Let’s get a move on. She waits for no man, let alone to 100 year old super soldiers.” Steve clapped Bucky on the back. Bucky huffed and nodded. The two of them cleaned up Bucky’s small mess and then slowly made their way to his small house to pack his meager belongings. They knew you would find them eventually. You had friends in Wakanda too.

A few hours later, Bucky’s last two years of his life were packed in discreet plain cardboard boxes the fit easily into the back of the Quinjet. Bucky had already said his goodbyes and was anxiously waiting in a sit behind Steve. You were at least on the ramp, loitering in your goodbyes, you were laughing and waving as the door closed. You settled down for take off and noticed Bucky’s look.

“You do know that not having a lot of thigs isn’t a bad thing, right? That just means you weren’t meant to settle down there. The next place I hope for you is a forever place and if not, I’ll help you find it. We have all the time you need. You aren’t alone anymore.” You said. You were trying to comfort Bucky, but knew you fell short.

“I guess that is true. I was too busy learning to heal and get healthy to be worried about stuff. I can get things now. I can have stuff.” Bucky said. He grabbed your hand and squeezed.

“Yep. You get to be a person now, isn’t that great. Decisions are all around you.” You said. You squeezed his hand back. “I know I just said that but to make the move easier and a bigger surprise, I did choose some of the things for your room, which if you don’t like we can change.” You let go of Bucky’s hand before settling down in your chair.

“This is your captain speaking. We have reached cruising altitude. I would like to thank you for flying Stark Air and Have a wonderful day.” Steve said from the cockpit.

You sighed and rubbed the bridge of your nose. “Great. Thanks, Steve. I have so much shit to do. I have three godamn reports to file and a STRIKE team to brief for Fury. I’ll be in the tech room if you need me.” With that you headed off to a small room to the side, where you began briefing the team you’d mentioned and reviewing the reports you needed to file.

“Bucky, you can sit up here. I don’t bite.” Steve said. He and you had worn civilian clothes, Steve was relaxed in his seat, letting the auto pilot have control. “I hope you liked your surprise. I hope you like your surprise. She worked very hard on it. She’s sweet on you.”

“Nah. She’s sweet on everyone. I am sure I will like it. She gets me pretty well. When I first woke up here, after Shuri cleared me of triggers, she was one of the first people I met. She happened to be walking through the lab and somehow knew that I was uncomfortable with the prodding even though I didn’t know. Then in a snap, she was everywhere. Not maliciously, just comfortingly on the edge of my radar, especially at the beginning. It’s no wonder, why I love her the way I do. She means a lot to me. Right now, I am okay with it being sweetness and softness and warmth. If one day it becomes thick and heavy and hot then I am okay with that too.” Bucky said. He couldn’t look Steve in the eye, only able to focus on his fingers, rubbing his human fingers against his cybernetic ones.

“Well then. I think I am embarrassed, and I was the one who mentioned it.” Steve could feel the heat on his cheeks. He laughed softly. “I am happy for you Bucky. I really am.”

The two of them chatted for most of the ride, finally you joined in after getting your work done. All too soon though, the jet alerted everyone to the start of the descent, forcing you all to return to your seats. Upon arrival, the boxes were left to be delivered later by a shield team. You and Steve had explained the upstate compound to him while packing in Wakanda, the solution to many problems, a training ground for new Avenger candidates and such. Your trio headed straight to Bucky’s room, the anticipation making you tremble.

“This is my room, but you look more excited.” Bucky pointed out. The two of you had been walking next to each other from the hangar but every few feet somehow, you’d shifted to the right or left, orbiting each other. Steve could barely stomach the nauseating aura the two of you put off. You couldn’t stop smiling and your kept clapping every few steps laughing in excitement.

“My love language is acts of service for a reason, buckaroo. I like doing things for the resident dumbass.” You grinned, reaching for Bucky’s hand, that was already reaching for yours. Steve silently gagged from behind the two of you.

The three of you reached the room, but Steve kept going. This wasn’t something he wanted to intrude upon. He had seen and heard enough with all your questions you had for him. You and Bucky stopped in front of his door. There was a biometric scanner next to the door but also a regular lock. You pulled a single key on a goat keychain and handed it over, your fingers trembling. Bucky grabbed on, his fingers brushing yours. You didn’t let go just yet.

“Welcome home, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes.” You took a deep breath and let go of the keys.

“Thank you. I promise, there is no need to be nervous. You did this for me, out of the goodness of your heart, I will love it.” ‘I already love you.’ He thought, he swallowed the words down though. He unlocked the door, ignoring his own nerves and pushed the door open.

His room had several big windows with a window seat, overlooking the acres and acres of land. There were shelves along one wall, several filled with books already, and movies. There were several plants hanging near the window seat. The walls were a muted blue/gray color and the sheets were chocolate color with what looked like a dozen pillows. The ceiling however was covered in a projection it looked like. It was too real to be painted but too artificial to be real. It was soothing and inviting and had just the right things to make him feel welcomed into his new home.

“The ceiling is something Shuri helped with. It is a projection from tech in the top of your walls. You can change it to project and sky from anywhere. Just ask SKYNET.” Bucky looked at you in awe. You had worked so hard to make him a place to call his own. “There are some books, movies, video games. The computer and tablet and phone are loaded to go with logins and apps and payment methods, I wrote down all that in a notebook in the desk too. I have a re-education guide for pop culture there too, same one I used for Steve except yours is more cause documentaries and I know you’d enjoy it more. I stocked the kitchenette with stuff already, nothing super perishable but snack foods and such.” You were rambling to cover your nerves; you both knew it. The more you spoke the more embarrassed you got. The more you talked the more Bucky felt his whole world shift, his entire existence tightened, to you and only you.

Recovery was hard, especially had been hard on him. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing or where he was going. He was just floating, purposeless until you.

“Do you like it?” Bucky realized he had been staring not at the room but at you while you were talking. He could see the love and care you put into the room, not just the room but into your wordless confession.  

“Yeah, I love you.” Bucky grabbed your hand, pulling you into a tight hug.

#saundrasays #bonkyshalfwayto1k #saundraswriting #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff

[saundraswriting]

Missed Signals Chapter 1

SUMMARY: Reki might have a problem. He gets hyperfixated. He is too loud. He has a delayed sleep schedule. He forgets to eat and drink sometimes. He zones out a lot, and even more when he tries to pay attention. He fidgets with his hair and his clothes and his skin to the point of injury. His brain works, sometimes. Other times he has to fight it. He has learned to cope enough over the years but just like everything else, some days are better than others.

WARNINGS: Nothing too grand, descriptions of ADHD symptoms,

NOTES: I am trying to cope with what I am thinking is undiagnosed ADHD by projecting onto my favorite characters. I mean no harm and no offense.

Ao3 // Missed Signals Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Next Chapter

With the sound of the last bell, Reki and Langa tore off to the skate park. They had just finished mid terms. Both boys were lookin forward to the three day weekend. They both missed going to 'S' and the skate park and even Joe's place, trying to studying as much as possible. Langa was still terrible with his Japanese and Math even though he was getting better. Reki's English and Biology scores were dismal, but he seemed to be scoring consistently well on his other tests.

"Hey, Langa, Reki! Over here!" Joe called. "Long time no see." The four other skaters were standing near a bench in the skate park all seeming to wait for the two high schoolers.

"Joe! Cherry!" Reki's bright grin was visible to them from the entrance.

"Shadow! Miya!" Langa was a little more subdued in his greater but no less enthusiastic.

Both boys felt a weight shift off their shoulders at the presence of their friends. They were really finished with midterms, they had three days to hang out and skate with each other. Their week of hard work seemed to finally pay off.

"Hello there, boys. How did midterms go?" Cherry asked. He was dressed in his robes but had his hair up.

"I think we did okay. It helps that we struggle in different subjects. I am glad we decided to take the days to review things." Reki said.

"It was a smart idea to use past test to study off of, instead of just notes. Your notes are also so lacking but you do so well on the tests." Langa commented absently as he bent to retie his shoe.

"What do you mean?"' Joe asked Langa. They all watched as Langa fiddled with his shoelaces.

"Oh. Um. Reki often forgets his homework or his notes are very scattered. Rarely does he remember his homework and take good notes. But he scores high on his tests. I even overheard the teachers discussing that if he applied himself and did his homework and took better notes Reki easily could be a top student." At the second mention of his name, Reki stopped looking at his phone and came back to the conversation, glancing at Langa who was sighing at his shoe.

"Langa, your aglet is broken. You'll need new laces. but for now I think some tape will do." Reki said. Everyone looked at him confused. "What? The thing on the end of your laces is called an aglet. It is derived from old French meaning 'needle' or 'pin' designed for lacing shoes or bags easier. Originally they were for ornamental reasons." Reki rattled off unprompted into the silence. His face grew pink at the attention of the others.

"Reki, why do you know that?" Miya asked.

"I had a period of time where I customized shoes for people. I liked how different it was from doing a board. I could show off my art skills better and helped steady my hand a bit more." Reki shrugged, not seeing the big deal.

"You know the old French origins of a part of a shoe no one cares about but you can't be bothered to learn English?" Cherry demanded.

Reki shrugged again, rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassment evident. "I don't mean to not do it. I sit down and I get ready to do it but then my mind blanks. Sometimes I can force myself but then I am frustrated quickly and easily irritated. Sometimes I work on it at school but then my notes are shitty." Reki rubbed his forehead, voice hard. "Sometimes the lights are too bright. Sometimes my brain says no to English but yes to physics and even sometimes my brain says no to everything and I just sit there telling myself all the things I need to do but it is all too much and not enough." Reki's hands begin to shake, while Joe and Cherry share a look over his head.

"Skating is the only thin that helps. But when I skate I give up time that I could be studying or working on the homework. I don't mean to be bad at school, just sometimes I can't help it." Reki seemed to curl in on himself, drawing his shoulders up and ducking his head down. His voice grew small and weak.

"Reki we didn't mean to make you upset. We were just curious. You aren't the only person that has issues organizing their thoughts or staying focused. Has this been an issue for a while?" Cherry gently asked. Reki seemed to relax when the group stayed quiet, seeming to expect derogatory comments.

"I think I began noticing in my second year of middle school." Reki spoke to the ground, unable to look at anyone in the eye. Langa could see his muscles tensing, sensing Reki's desire to bolt.

"That is enough of that. We came here to skate. Let's skate." Joe broke the tension seeming to sense Reki's urge to flee.

"Yes! I have something I want to show you slimes." Miya skated off after joe towards the halfpipe, throwing taunts over his shoulder as he went. Reki and Lana flew after him, throwing their own teasing comments at Shadow, who deemed himself the adult supervisor of the rowdy children.

Cherry and Joe hung back a bit, watching them all tear off. The previous conversation still lingering in the air. Both adults tracking a brightly laughing Reki as he skated around Miya and Langa.

"Poor kid. That must be so frustrating. He tried to make it out like it was no big deal but even if he learned some coping mechanisms, they won't work all the time if he doesn't know what the source of the problem is." Cherry said.

"He won't. He isn't self aware enough to know that he even has symptoms. He seems to have an executive dysfunction though." Joe said, thinking back to his high school days, where everything was too much and not enough, the days of skating until the small hours to hopefully be able to focus, the cooking and baking he did to keep from tearing things apart.

"Maybe we can help him? Maybe if we play our cards right he will even let us. He is so smart, it must be terrible to be stuck in your own head like that." Cherry said, finally picking up his board. Joe followed suit.

"The hardest part is the executive dysfunction. You need and want to do the thing but because you're frontal cortex didn't develop fully you completely freeze and your brain checks out and you are worthless all day. No one else can really get it unless they know. It is hard to explain it to neurotypicals." Joe tried to explain to the best of his abilities. Cherry nodded and made a mental note to research neurotypicals and neurodevelopment disorders.

The two adults finally made it over to see everyone was in the middle of a trick imitating game. Miya was keeping the tricks to a lower difficulty than normal so Reki wouldn't get to disheartened Joe noticed. Langa was doing pretty well, some of the more subtle footwork tripping him up since he wasn't a long term veteran. They skated for a few more hours before finally taking a water break. They were leaning against the fence or the bench or even each other in Reki and Langa's case. Langa had his full attention on Reki as he lectured on another topic, Cherry wasn't sure but it seemed to be about the manhole covers in the streets.

"They have to be round cause any other shape will fall in when turned upright. It is to save the people who are in the pipe below it." Reki was saying. Langa soaked up every word, and Cherry almost felt sorry for how gone the kid was for Reki.

"Honestly kid, why do you know that?' Joe said, looking just as interested. Cherry could only sigh and hope he wasn't as readable on how gone for his idiot gorilla.

"I collect interesting facts. I like to keep them in my brain, never know when you need them." Reki said. Joe just smiled down at the young man, fondly.

"Of course you do, kid. Of course you do."

#saundraswriting #sk8 the infinity #renga #reki kyan x langa hasegawa #adhd!reki #Domestic Sk8 family #matcha blossom

[saundraswriting]

Interior Design Ch. 6: First Day

SUMMARY: Today marks your first day as a SI employee...more specifically the Avengers' personal interior designer.

WARNINGS: None.

NOTES: Sorry it has been a while. Been busy. 

As always you can read it on Ao3 here!

Masterlist // Ao3 // Previous

The next morning you were up with the sun. You laid in the bed for a moment, relishing in everything that happened yesterday. You sat up in a quick movement. 'I have to give Ms. Potts the contract. I have to get my sample books here. I should also finish with the other clients I have waiting too. I should speak to each member I can to get a idea...maybe a powerpoint to show the difference in styles.' You thought to yourself. A plan in mind you got ready, silently thanking the universe for dry shampoo. Once done, you pulled out the contract and read it over before signing it. There wasn't anything you were against, so you signed and placed it on your desk for later. You decided to head to the kitchen, remembering the sleek looking espresso machine on the counter.

You headed out, your bag full of your necessary tools. You were deep in your tablet by-passing everyone loitering in the kitchen as if by magic until you got to the machine. Not hesitating you grabbed a mug and set the machine for a quad risotto shot and waited for it to brew. While waiting your phone rang, you answered it knowing it was one of your clients.

"Yes, ma'am? I am sorry I had to take an unexpected trip out of the city. What can I do for you?" You said pulling up her file on your tablet.

"Y/N, I love your work always, but this time something happened. The table just doesn't fit right. I am very unhappy. I hate glass top tables and the coffee table is glass." Your client said.

"Ma'am...I would never had ordered you a glass table. I have a distinct note in your file. I will immediately look into this. Please give me a moment. The company is still there correct? I will call you back in a moment." You hung up, muttering under your breath before calling another number. "You idiots. Get that table out of there. That is the Tohru account not the Bells. Yes. I know. I have the order right here. I ordered the gold leaf marble table, that glass table isn't to be delivered until next month. Take it back right now." You demanded, rubbing you forehead harshly. "Thank you very much." You hung up, you began typing rapidly on you tablet at the same time asking you phone to call your client. "Ma'am, they will be taking that table back this minute. I am sorry for the confusion. I had to take a trip unexpectedly and wasn't there to oversee everything. I hope you can pardon this mistake. I will be seeing you in a few days when your actual piece comes in. I am currently emailing the company to ensure this next delivery goes off without a hitch." You finished your email with a glare to your tablet.

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I appreciate all the effort you put into this. You are always so good to us. I'll send you a tip right now for all your help." Your client bid you good bye and hung up. A second later your phone chimed with an alert your client had deposited a large tip with only a smiley face emoji.

"She is too much. My goodness." You slumped against the counter and remembered your coffee that was probably done brewing. You pulled your mug over and fixed it up. The first sip has you moaning in pleasure. "It isn't even 8 am." You whispered into your mug.

"You gonna join us for breakfast or keep murmuring sweet nothings to your coffee?" Clint asked from the table. You tensed expecting comments on your lack of manners.

"I am so sorry. I am a coffee addict. Nothing before coffee. I don't really eat breakfast, but thank you. I did want to talk to you if that was okay?" You asked hesitantly.

"Sure. I don't mind. Honestly this is probably the best time to get us, before we scatter for the day." Cint answered.

"Oh, good." You hurried over and pulled out your notebook. "I need to get ideas from all of you. I have some examples of different styles and themes to give you ideas. I need preferences and things to get samples ready. I am starting with your individual rooms. It will help build a connection between you and I." You told them. "I have several other things happening at the moment so I will be coming back and forth for a while which is why I want to get ideas so I can build layouts and idea boards and bring them to you for approval." You continued. "I know that it seems overwhelming but my job is to make it less so. If you even have 15 minutes at some point today to speak with me I would appreciate that. My job is to do all the work. Your job is to say yes or no. So who wants to go first?" You looked up from your notebook to meet several curious glances.

"I have some time around 10:30 or so. I can meet with you." Clint said. His agreement seemed to break the ice and everyone else began chiming in on when they could meet. They all were cooperative in making it easy to meet with them, and once breakfast was over Tony came in.

"Mr. Stark, can I ask a favor? I was wondering if you could escort me to Ms. Pott's office? I have the contract all signed and I have a question for her." You asked. Tony nodded. The table began dispersing and with it you did. You gathered your things and waited in the kitchen.

"You're leaving? " Steve asked with a pointed glace at your bags.

"Yes, Captain Rogers. I have things to do at my office and all of my things are there. I have a lot of work to do before I start working. I have to speak to Ms. Potts and then I have to meet with all of you and then I will be on my way back home. I am just trying to be one step ahead of the game." You explained.

"I'll take your bags to the door for you while Tony takes you to Pepper. I will see you later." Steve grabbed your bags but you stopped him with an arm on his.

"Thank you, Captain Rogers. Can I also ask if you would sit in with Sargent Barnes' meeting? I don't want to overwhelm him." You said, looking at the ground.

"Yeah, of course. I'll have him come to mine, how is that?" He suggested. You smiled up at him gratefully.

Tony came that minute to walk you to Ms. Pott's office. Steve took your bags like he said he would. On the ay there, you made a point to learn the way, not wanting to be escorted back. Tony disappeared when you arrived offering "Meetings, you know." with a quick wave.

Pepper was more that willing to hear out your requests for several of you favorite catalogues and sample books to be ordered for the Avengers to look through. She also accepted your contract with a bright smile. She also gave you her personal cell number and a few other important people in case you needed them. You also got your badge and biometrics scanned to finish your hiring process.

You headed back to the Avenger's side, seeing the living room empty you set up in there, getting more ideas together for the meetings. You were scrambling putting together examples of some of your favorite design motifs like industrial, contemporary, oriental, art deco, bohemian, Scandinavian, rustic, country, modern, classical, minimalist, coastal, glamourous. You also added geometric, traditional, transitional, floral and such. You tried to keep it simple but informative. You listed pros and cons of all of them and before you knew it Clint loudly arrived in through one of the openings into the living room.

" Hey, kiddo. I just need to grab a drink and then we can get started. Do you want anything?" Clint said as he walked by.

"No. I am-" You tried to deny him, you were interrupted by F.R.I.D.AY.

"Agent Barton, Ms. L/N has not had any thing by mouth since breakfast and that was only a large coffee. You should ask her again." Friday told him. She sounded almost disappointed in you. You narrowed your eyes at the ceiling, unable to make words only noises.

"Get used to it. That is what she does. She loves us as much as an AI can. Now, let's try again. Can I get you something to drink?" Clint shook a bottle of water and raised an eyebrow.

"I guess I will take a water. I swear if my meetings run late because of bodily functions, I will never forgive her." You threatened. Clint laughed.

"You heartrate skipped implying that you don't mean that, Ms. L/N. But I appreciate the sentiment." F.R.I.D.A.Y. said. You just sighed and shook your head.

"Come on, Agent Barton. We should get going. This isn't going to take long. All this talk is for it getting you opinions on the very basic thing...theme. You pick what you like, what parts you don't ad I take that information to find pieces to go in your room and then we put it all together. I will do this for everyone in every room and then for the common rooms I will take the common things or needs and then ask everyone's opinion." You explained.

"You will do this for everyone today? That seems a lot." Clint said.

"I need to get ideas, that is all I can do. All my sample books and such are in my apartment. I will have more to work with when I come back. I have some pressing work to do to. I am have clients currently." You patted the seat next to you, gesturing at tablet, notebook and laptop before you. "Shall we get started?"

The meetings with the Avengers went well. The start of each meeting was rocky but as they warmed up, it got easier. You got about 1/2 of those who had rooms, You still needed the more...Very Important Powerful Beings and their opinions. But this was a start. There wasn't much repetition the styles they wanted, and it honestly went how you had predicted. Clint had chosen a geometric motif with hints of industrialism. Natasha had gone with muted bohemian style. Wanda had chosen a more glamorous bold style while her brother had chosen a soft coastal theme. Vision agreed with Wanda's help a very bare bones approach considering his android-ness. He accepted a sleek contemporary look but only to satisfy you and Wanda. Tony was a very new age tech room that you figured would end up being a crash pad and extra lab. Thor went with a more traditional art deco theme, it seemed to make him happy and sad at the same time. Sam was the most undecisive until you convinced him of the perks of mid-century modern vibes. Bruce wanted a more classical theme, a relaxing space to turn off. You made some notes to help that idea stay number one. Steve and Bucky took some time.

"Sargent Barnes, I know this seems like a lot but I promise, nothing you say here is your forever answer. You have time to change your mind, if we finish and you don't like it so be it. We will work on it until you do. This is your room, your space. You don't have to answer to anyone on why it is the way it is. My job is to make you happy and comfortable. So just answer my questions honestly and then we go from there. if you aren't sure then that is okay too." You pulled up some of the more radical themes you had worked on. You felt him saying 'no' would be first easier than saying 'yes'.

"That is gaudy. I was alive when that was losing steam as a trend. I don't want to relive it." Bucky denied the art deco, bohemian, glamorous, nautical and new age theme.

"That is a great start. However this is where it gets tricky. You know what you don't like, but now we need to find what you do like. If you like a whole idea, great. If you only like pieces of it, also fine. My job is to make it work." You next pulled out some of the rustic, industrial and minimalistic ideas. The palette was a little warmer than Steve's Scandinavian minimalist choices. Bucky like the wood/metal contrast and the open concept and natural lighting seemed to catch him too. You had an idea for the ceiling to have it painted to look like there were pipes and so made a note. You also made a note about a pipe bookshelf and plant wall.

"Captain Rogers, Sargent Barnes. This was fun. I will be having some magazines and sample books delivered here for everyone to look through if they want. If not we will have plenty of time to talk about it. Sargent Barnes, I know today was a lot for you, but I have to say...I am very proud of you. Today can't have been easy with the interrogation as light as it was. I unfortunately have to get going. I need to be in the city for the next few days but if you or anyone else has questions, I left my contact info on the fridge." You stuck you hand out to shake and Steve snorted.

"A minute after meeting me, you gave me a hug and made me cry, now you want to play coy and offer a handshake? I don't think so doll." Bucky pulled you into a fast hug before bidding you good day and heading back to his room. Steve gave you a slightly longer hug, beaming at you.

"You are amazing. I never thought we would be doing this today. He seemed like he was having fun. Thank you again. It means a lot to us that you are working so hard." Steve said.

"Captain Rogers, you all save the world weekly. The least I can do it make your bedrooms into a safe space. Now, are you gonna be a punk or you walking me out?" You asked winking with a smirk.

The two of you walked to where Happy stood next to a car that you were sure already had your stuff packed. "I am glad he trusted me enough to talk with me. I want him happy, and comfortable. Tell everyone I said bye and I will see them soon!" You squeezed Steve's arm before heading to the car, letting Happy open the door for you.

Happy opened the door for you to exit the car. You bid him a warm goodbye, taking yourself and your bags up to your apartment to begin the hard part-putting the ideas of others into a plan of action.

*******************************************************************************************

So what did you think? How am I doing? Thoughts, comments, concerns?

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff #protective Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x interior designer! reader #interior design the fic #recovered bucky barnes #Bucky Barnes in recovery #avengers family #domestic avengers #saundraswriting #saundrasays

[saundraswriting]

Saundra's Masterlist

Hello! My name is Saundra! I am a twenty-something confused adult trying to find her way in the world. I can be found here or my main blog @saundrasays. Please don't hesitate to reach out and say hello!

I also have a twitter, if you would like to come say hello!

This is my main Masterlist. I have all my works linked to this post. Please take a look and let me know what you think! I have it divided into subcategories for easy navigation!

Anime Masterlist

Marvel Masterlist

Asian Drama Masterlist

TV Show Masterlist

Movie Masterlist

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #saundra's masterlist #my masterlist #my fanfiction #Marvel #k drama #teen wolf #criminal minds #kingsman the secret service #anime #manga

[saundraswriting]

Hercules Chapter 10

SUMMARY:  Spencer finally talks. and listens. Really listens. The curtain falls, the end is here.

WARNINGS: None this time around, hasty writing maybe?

NOTES: This is my final chapter of this story. I finished it, finally. Thanks for coming with me on this ride. 

You can read this chapter on AO3 here as well. 

Masterlist // Ao3 // Previous Chapter

"Derek, what I mean by that is...I know I love you. I told that we would talk when we ended this case." Spencer paused. "I have been thinking a bit since then."

"I figured. Spencer, I don't want you rushing this. You can take your time. We waited this long, what is a little longer?" Derek said.

"What?" Spencer froze under Derek's hand.

"No! Relax. I meant I want you sure of what you think of my feelings. I know you, I know that is what you've been thinking about. You are predictable sometimes." Derek soothed. Spencer sighed and nodded, agreeing silently with Derek.

"You're right. I should take some more time. I just..."Spencer trailed off.

"Spencer. You have only had a few days to understand I am in love with you. I know it seems sudden and that in itself makes you unsure but I mean it. I love you, your brains, your quirks, your habits. All of it." Derek told him. "Come on let's get ready for bed. I'll be here in the morning. And everyday after that." Derek guided Spencer to his feet watching him shuffle unsteadily towards the bathroom. "No shower tonight, Spencer. I don't want you falling in."

"You could always join me to make sure I don't fall." Spencer said, tone light and teasing.

"Don't tempt me. I would like nothing more right now but you aren't ready for that. I don't want to catch your cold either." Derek made a waving motion, shooing Spencer.

Spencer got in the bathroom and started brushing his teeth, thinking over what Derek said. It was no mystery to each other that they loved each other. 'Is it still all because of timing? He does love me, but Derek isn't one to pine in secret.' Spencer shook his head and finished brushing his teeth.

Spencer came back out dressed in pj's, and more than a little determined. "Derek, have you really loved me all this time? I just can't get my head around that. You are telling me that even though you have only been with girls, that in a convenient plot twist you are into not just guys but specifically me." Spencer said. Derek sighed and braced himself for more half understood statements.

"Spencer, if you really want to talk about this right now, then we will but you have to listen to me. I mean really listen. I don't want anymore of you assuming how I feel so that you can keep ignoring me." Derek started sitting on his bed, hand clasped between his knees.

Spencer sat at the top of his bed, fidgeting with a pen. "Okay. I want to have this discussion, so I will sit and listen, and when you are done...I'll talk or I won't. I can't guarantee anything. I wish I could."

"I know. I wouldn't expect more than what you could give, pretty boy. Are you ready?" Derek asked. Spencer gazed around the room and took one deep breath tensing before locking eyes with Derek and nodding.

"We are soulmates, yes. I have been looking for years. Always felt like they were so close but just out of reach. I extended my dating pool, starting asking friends for numbers. I had spent too much time alone, I wanted who was supposed to be mine. I joined the BAU. I kept searching all the while the feeling got worse and worse. I started leaving my mark uncovered a long time ago, hoping it would be what led them to me. Then you came. Slowly over time, the feeling got better, I thought I had maybe gotten over my issues. I didn't give up but I wasn't running towards them anymore, I was happy. I had coworkers and a job and friends I loved, I had enough. I had you. We had grown so close, I had never had a friend as close as you. Every time you got into trouble my heart stopped and I remember thinking to myself...'this is it, this is when I end up alone again.' And each time by the skin of your teeth you came back to me. Each time I loved you a little more, wanted you a little closer. I still didn't know that I loved you. I wanted my best friend around always. I slowed down dating. I didn't need a girl in my life if I had you. You smiling and laughing and happy became more important to me than finding my soulmate, I had just about given up. A few months back we suddenly went from practically living in the other's pocket to being 6 feet apart and I could barely reach you, you were slipping past my fingers and my heart was breaking and I didn't know how to fix it. I too stepped back, maybe I was the problem. Maybe something happened and you needed space. I was fine. If you were happy I wouldn't care but you weren't. I could tell. I wanted to say something, it was getting to be unbearable. I wanted my best friend back." Derek's voice broke. He paused a minute, staring at his hands. He took a breath. "Then before I could blink we were busy so busy and I wanted to talk. I needed to talk. There wasn't time. Next thing I know I am looking into a mirror and see my little sun peering back at me. It wasn't fully uncovered but there was enough, and I had seen mine every day for years. I know what it looks like. In an instant everything fell into place. My thoughts and feelings and emotions and reactions. They all made sense. I was happy because my soulmate was finally in my life. I fell in love with my soulmate. It might have taken years and we traveled the long way to get here but we did. I found you, Spencer Reid, my soulmate.:" Derek ended his speech with a voice full of emotion and shoulder tense.

Spencer could only stare at his best friend, his soulmate, mouth gaping. "You are dead serious. You aren't even near joking." Was all Spencer could say. He rubbed a hand over his face tension leaving his body. "Derek Morgan, I should hit you. There is no reason we should be in this predicament."

Derek could only stare, he felt that he was miles behind in the conversation.

"I am sorry, Derek. I was scared. I didn't know what to do when I found out that we were soulmates. I panicked and thought distance would help but it seemed to only make things worse. I am a coward and I am sorry. I will say that I believe you. In all my years, no one has ever been as close to me as you. I wouldn't change that for the world. I am glad it is you Derek." Spencer said. He tried to say something else but was cut off by a yawn.

"Come on, genius. You need to take some meds and sleep. Let's get to bed. We can talk more tomorrow. Don't you worry. I'll be right here, like always." Derek helped Spencer get settled and then laid down himself.

"Thank you Derek. See you in the morning. Good night." Spencer snuggled down into his pillows, head filled with thoughts on Derek's confession.

The next morning, Spencer woke up coughing up mucus from deep in his throat. He rolled over choking slightly before finding a tissue. He blinked a few times before the memory of the night came back. 'He really means all that doesn't he? Like Derek didn't fall in love with me a few days ago. He realized he has been in love with me for year a few days ago. I need to see J.J.' Spencer saw it was a little bit before his alarm decided to get ready and get in the shower.

Spencer was just finishing getting ready when Derek was getting up. "Pretty boy, you up already?" Derek mumbled. Spencer stepped over and deciding in that moment to be a little daring pressed a kiss to Derek's cheek. Derek froze, eyes fluttering shut.

"My medication wore off so I woke a bit earlier than I wanted but it worked out in the end. You wanna get ready and I'll get breakfast?" Spencer asked. He tried to act cool and collected but he knew his voice shook ever so slightly. He needed more time to think but he needed to let Derek know that he was regarding everything in a positive light too.

"How about you order something nearby to go? I don't want you to go and come back. I usually am the first one up, this is different." Derek stood up stretching, getting his stuff to get ready. "I shouldn't be long. I took a shower after you fell asleep last night." Derek said through the shut door. Spencer didn't respond, he knew Derek knew he heard him and that he was busy ordering food for them and J.J. too.

"J.J. I am ordering food. The three of us can pick it up on the way in this morning." Spencer called her. She agreed and told him she'd be at their room soon.

All too soon the three of them were at the precinct with the others trying to figure out the last few pieces of the puzzle.

"Are we sure he said Evan Lafferty? We know that is his name?" J.J. asked.

"Yeah. That is what Spencer said it was and what the wire recorded. Spencer wrote down everyone's name that he could memorize and You took a few pictures yourself, J.J." Hotch said.

"Evan Lafferty doesn't exist in Portland, OR. Or at least this one doesn't." Penelope chimed in from the speaker. "I have no parameters for a search either except the manual one Spencer and Derek did a few days ago. I can look into that?" She continued.

"No, we have him. We don't need to look for him. Can you look for all Evan Lafferty's right now Penelope? I know it is a lot but it is all we have." Gideon gave her a few more details to help refine her search but everyone knew that a result would be a while coming.

"What if...What if I called him? He gave me his number? It is probably untraceable but I am fitting for the next killing. The Stymphalian Birds with their bronze beaks and such, a sickly estranged lonely man with the name Arnett Konkle would be the best man for the elites' meetings." Spencer gained traction as he spoke. The others looked at each other, defeat in their eyes.

"Let's see if we can get anywhere by tomorrow if not then we will consider your plan, Reid. But until that is the last resort we will pursue other avenues. I don't want to use out trump card yet." Gideon said.

The team broke off to do their jobs but Spencer followed J.J. towards her make-shift office. "J.J. Can I talk to you for a second?" Spencer sat down, shoulders slumped and head bowed.

"Of course, Spencer you know that. What is going on in that head of yours?" J.J. made herself comfortable.

"Derek and I talked last night and I made a pretty important distinction. I want your advice on it, if you don't mind. I know that you know everything about Derek and I. Last night Derek talked to me about how he felt, I asked him to considering I never really let him say anything before I would shut him down. He told me everything last night J.J. He told me how he was giving up on finding a soulmate because the drive wasn't there anymore. He was happy with his life because I was there. I realized that seeing that my soulmate mark matched his didn't cause Derek to love me, it caused him to evaluate our relationship and realize he has loved me for years, he just didn't know that because he didn't need to evaluate were we stood to each other." Spencer told her. No matter how much he tried, Spencer couldn't keep the joy and relief out of his voice or face.

J.J. felt her heart swell, She saw Spencer as a baby brother and she was happy he was getting his final ending. "That is great news. I am glad you two talked. The tension was killing me. Now what?"

"I don't know. We didn't get that far. I am thinking we will cross that bridge when we come to it back home. Derek and I will have to show that we can work together and not let the fact we are soulmates affect the way we do our jobs. Which shouldn't be too hard considering we have kept it hidden from Hotch and Gideon this entire time. I would rather we talk about the future closer to home anyways." Spencer explained.

J.J. nodded. "That makes sense. Besides Derek is a traditionalist and romantic at heart, he wouldn't ask you hard questions on a job here. Let it be. You'll have your moment eventually." J.J. sighed deeply.

"You'll have your moment too. I know it." Spencer told her. He was interrupted from continuing by Derek.

Penelope got a hit on the phone, at almost every single spot on your map. No we just need to find him. We have plenty of evidence. We just need a way for him to come out." Derek said. They hurried to the bull pen where Gideon and Hotch were.

"I'll call him. I will tell him that I need a prayer circle for I was diagnosed with lung cancer. WE can have a unit go to the last place the phone is pinging and the warehouse and I can go with a small team to meet him and when he does..." Spencer shrugged.

"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Hotch said.

"It's the only idea we have right now. We need to get this guy." Spencer was determined. He wanted to get this unsub and get home and get better.

"Very well. J.J. and I will go with him and a few beat cops will be around the location under cover if they can. Hotch, Derek take a team like Reid said." Derek opened his mouth to object but Spencer subtly shook his head. "We have once chance. Spencer make the call." Gideon ordered. He and the others scattered. Spencer went into his map room and called the number Evan Lafferty gave him.

"Evan? It is my Arnett? Mr. Arnett Konkle. I've been having a rough day. I got some bad news on every front today and was wondering f we could meet. I think I need to turn my face toward the sun, for the old gods are not dead. I hope with proper education from you I can worship them as they would like to be but right now I need a friend and I need a teacher." Spencer told him. "My wife, she gave me the divorce papers today. Then my results came back for some tests. There is a mass near my lung. I-" Spencer's voice broke.

"Arnett, calm down. take a few deep breaths. Of course you and I can meet. I will gladly be that friend and teacher for you. I believe with proper dedication, you will be healed. You are on the steps to enlightenment, for you are correct. The old gods are not dead." Evan gave him and address and a time to meet. Spencer came out of his map room, information in hand. A techie stepped up to meet him, the same one who helped him get ready before.

Dressed like Arnett Konkle, Spencer quickly asked for a copy of divorce papers in a briefcase and gathered with the team again. They came up with a plan. They needed to take down Lafferty quickly and quietly. The three teams divided and left, Derek pulling Spencer into a hug, murmuring comforting words against his hair. Spencer was still unsure who that was to reassure, him or Derek. Spencer's team scattered through the park trying to look indiscreet. After a bit Lafferty joined Spencer at the table he was sitting at who was looking justifiably morose.

"Konkle, good golly, you could look a little better but after the couple of days you've had, I would look terrible too. Anyway, What did you want to start with?" Lafferty asked. He pulled out a bag with a few books.

"Let's begin with Hercules shall we? We were in the middle of a lovely discussion." Spencer said.

"Oh, okay. We can go over some of the lessons I use for my sermons. Was there anything in particular you wanted to discuss?" Lafferty began flipping through the pages.

"Let's talk about how you can atone for the temporary madness of killing your family by completing 13 divine missions for gods of an ancient religion." Spencer said. He stood up pulling out his badge and gun, hoping that Lafferty wouldn't run.

"I am doing it for it was divine instructions. I was helpless to resist. How dare you spit in the face of my suffering." Lafferty reared back and tried to attack Spencer, lunging at him from across the table. Spencer dodged. Lafferty took off running though the park but didn't get far before an undercover officer clotheslined him rendering him unconscious.

Spencer heaved a deep sigh, triggering a coughing fit that dropped him to his knees. He coughed until he was dizzy, black spots appearing in his vision the last thing he saw was J.J.'s panicked face before he blacked out.

Spencer knew two things as soon as he came to. First was he was in a hospital. Second was Derek was angry with him. Spencer opened his eyes to be right on both parts. He was in a hospital and Derek was glaring at him angerly while leaning against a wall.

"I didn't mean to?" Spencer tried. Derek only huffed rolling his eyes. "Sorry." he tried again.

"I would be lying if I said I was surprised. I figured once you got sick, we would end up here. It's the emergency room. You are getting some antibiotics and fluids. Nothing too major, I wanted to be pissed off but I am just happy you weren't hurt. We got him though. He house and the warehouse were loaded with incriminating evidence. So all is well that end's well I guess." Derek shrugged.

"Always the same though. A little too late. If I had been a bit better, then maybe we would've been quicker." Spencer said. "Never mind, hindsight is always 20/20 and all that." Spencer smiled up at Derek. "What happens now?"

"Now? You have another hour at least before your bag is finished. Then we go home. Where we both are off for the next two weeks for your recovery. I called Strauss and told her everything and then the others told her that we definitely proved that our soulmate status doesn't affect our work. So nothing really changes." Derek explained.

"Except everything." Spencer told him.

Derek laughed. "Except everything. That's right, pretty boy, that's right."

*******************************************************************************************

That is all she wrote folks. I hope you enjoyed the ride, I certainly did. Thank you for all the support. I love you all. I hope to write more in this universe but we will see. Until next time!

#hercules the fic #saundraswriting #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #Criminal Minds #cm fanfiction #moreid #spencer reid x derek morgan #derek morgan #spencer x derek #dr. spencer reid

[saundraswriting]

Confessions

SUMMARY: A little light hearted AU of episode 6. Where Geum Jan-Di has rejected Gu Jun-Pyo. But he stills hasn't quite gotten the idea yet. The beach trip is the catalyst for Yoon Ji-Hoo to realize what is right in front of him.

NOTES: I am just trying to soothe my soul here. Nothing major, this series isn’t anything consecutive, Just my series of au’s and fix-it’s. 

WARNINGS: Nothing much, possible panic/anxiety attack triggers and piss poor CPR/ medical inaccuracies. 

You can read it directly on Ao3 here.

Masterlist // Ao3 // The Misc. Adventures of Geum Jan-Di and Yoon Ji-Hoo

The trip to New Caledonia was a welcome surprise for Sinhwa High's own Wonder Girl Geum Jan-Di and pleasant sidekick Chu Ga-Eul and a must needed vacation for the F4 boys. The flight was long, but smooth. The landing was a little rough causing Jan-Di's legs to shake as she stood up. Ji-Hoo was at her elbow grip light and stabilizing.

"You alright? Ears don't hurt? You're not dizzy?" He asked lowly. Jan-Di shook her head, leaning into his grip slightly.

"No, I am fine sunbae. I am just a little unsteady is all. I haven't flown before so I am happy my first time was with my friends. Jun-Pyo will only make a little fun of me." Jan-Di smiled. Ji-Hoo nodded in agreement, helping her get her carry on down. They were the last two off, Ji-Hoo keeping a hold of her to escort her off the plane.

There were stairs attached to the plane and parked a bit from the bottom was a limo where the others were already getting in. Ga-Eul was patiently standing outside for her friend while Yi-Jung waited to help her into the car. Once she saw Jan-Di she waved and accepted his help into the car.

"You have one very loyal friend there, Jan-di." Ji-Hoo said. He took her bag as they walked down the stairs, hoping to minimizer her clumsiness.

"Yeah. I wish I had her at school instead of Min-Ji, then I would have avoided the sleeping around scandal." Jan-Di said it nonchalantly, forgetting that he had been in France when that happened.

"I am sorry. The what scandal?" Ji-Hoo froze on the stairs. Jan-Di turned to him from the first to last stair, surprise evident on her face.

"No one told you? Oh, you were still in Paris when this happened, sunbae?" She finished going down the stairs, Ji-Hoo following her. "I was invited by Min-Ji to a club. She spiked my drink and set me up with a random student to take pictures. The article was spread through the news, that the scholarship student was an undignified woman. That was also around the same time that I had rejected Jun-Pyo, but we were trying to be friends, so the point was to make it seem like I was cheating on him." Jan-Di grew sullen and quiet. They made it to the car in silence.

"Jan-Di, let's both enjoy our time here, okay?" ji-Hoo said, he much preferred her smiling to her frowning.

"You're right like always, sunbae. It would be rude to bring everyone down with my sadness. This trip is a gift in itself. I should enjoy it!" Jan-Di pumped her fist laughing.

"Aish, are we gonna leave anytime today?" Jun-Pyo demanded pushing the door open from the inside.

"Yeah, yeah. We're coming. Keep your shirt on." Jan-Di waved off his impatience. 'She has grown, not letting him step all over her.' Ji-Hoo thought.

The car ride to the resort was quiet, broken up mostly by Jan-Di and Ga-Eul's comments of appreciation. The two of them pointed out a lot of the pretty scenery and took a few pictures. One memorable moment, Jan-Di opened a window and leaned out to get a picture of the town in the distance. The car hit a bump and with a yelp almost feel out, the F4 all grabbed her ripping her back into the car with various curses. Ji-Hoo casually locked the windows to prevent another attempt, and the girls returned to pointing out interesting things, like almost falling out a car happened everyday.

They got to the resort a while later, the room were small buildings on the water attached with various walkways. Their luggage had already been delivered to their rooms. 'The flight was rather long, a shower and change of clothes wouldn't be a bad idea. If I hurry Ga-Eul and I can walk along the beach for a bit before dinner.' Jan-Di texted her friend explaining her idea. Ga-Eul agreed easily.

The two of them walked the path to the beach, The two of them talking about shared memories and catching up. Jan-Di's habit of getting picked up and harassed by the F4 and others didn't leave them much time to talk. "Jan-Di, are you really not going to date Gu Jun-Pyo sunbae?" Ga-Eul asked. "I know you still have feelings for Yoon Ji-Hoo sunbae. Did you reject Jun-Pyo to go out with him?" Ga-Eul asked again. Jan-Di had always appreciated the way Ga-Eul forced her to see her feelings.

Jan-Di stopped walking, digging her toes into the sand. "I rejected Gu Jun-Pyo because he is rude, demanding and overbearing. I rejected him because I have no romantic feelings for him, but I appreciate all his has done for me. I rejected him because I am sure I don't love him, but also I don't think he loves me. I confuse him, and that makes him want to have me in his life, but he doesn't know how to make friends. That is all we will ever be. And that is okay." Jan-Di explained honestly. She was glad Ga-Eul had asked, she missed talking with her friend. "I asked Seo-Hyun unnie to stay, I told him to go after her. I did that. I was the one who pushed us apart. I only wanted to make him happy. Sunbae had been so sad and I didn't know what to do. I loved him too much to be selfish, even though I desperately wanted to. I don't know what to do. Before, I knew where we stood. Now, he seems more open, more willingly. Like whatever was holding him back isn't there anymore." Jan-Di hugged herself, watching the way the sun reflected on the water. "I don't know where we stand anymore. I don't know what to do, and I feel like I am just pushing him farther away. Ga-Eul, what am I supposed to do?" Jan-Di sniffed, her emotions causing her eyes to grow wet and sting.

"I wish I could help. All I can tell you is to talk to him. If he came back for you, if he and Seo-Hyun worked everything out, then you are right. The thing holding him back is gone. He worked through his feelings already. He is just waiting for you to catch up." Ga-Eul said. She was ashamed she couldn't offer more or better advice. he didn't know that Jan-Di felt this strongly, or was thinking this hard about it. Jan-Di was overly simple sometimes but she was loyal and caring and didn't like making her friends suffer, taking on the burden to get through it on her own. "Whatever you do, be honest. And be strong. He deserves the truth too." Ga-Eul pulled Jan-Di's arms off herself, pulling her best friend into a tight hug. Squeezing tight, she took as much of Jan-Di's weight as she could trying to also lend her some strength. Ga-Eul heard her sniffling something into her shoulder. "I can't hear you if you don't speak clearly." Jan-Di took a deep breath moving her face to perch on her shoulder instead of in it.

"I don't want to lost Ji-Hoo sunbae. I love him. I want to be by his side always." Jan-Di confessed. Ga-Eul smiled at the air and rubbed her back, mumbling soothingly into her ear.

After a while, they sat down on the beach. They watched the sunset begin and talked about what had been happening to Jan-Di. She had hidden a lot of the bullying that had been happening to her, not wanting to concern her friend. They talked so long, the boys from F4 came down calling their names.

"Ga-Eul? Jan-Di? Are you guys down here? It's time to eat. We were getting worried. Come on!" Yi-Jung called seeing them. The two girls waved and hurried over, dusting themselves off as they went, laughing at each other.

"Hope you weren't waiting on us. We lost track of time." Jan-Di apologized, Ji-Hoo looked at her closely. Her voice was waterlogged and he could see the redness around her eyes. 'She's been crying. I will talk to her later.'

"No. We just were coming to find you but you weren't in your rooms." Woo-Bin told her. He also noticed she had been crying. He looked over at Ji-Hoo in concern. Ji-Hoo nodded to show he saw and would take care of it.

"Let's go eat." Jan-Di brightened at the idea of food.

"Is that all you think about? Food?" Jun-Pyo asked, he was trying to joke but it fell flat. Jan-Di's eyes shimmered wetly, she looked back to the beach. "Jeez, lighten up, laundry girl." Jun-Pyo stalked off, the others following him. Ji-Hoo stayed back to walk with Jan-Di. Their journey was slow, Jan-Di barely picking up her feet. "Jan-Di, what happened? Why were you crying?" Ji-Hoo tried to ask.

"Ji-Hoo sunbae, I want you to know something. I am so glad you are back. I missed you greatly while you were away. I have something else to tell you but I need more time. When I am ready, can I find you?" Jan-Di uncharacteristically serious.

"Of course. Geum Jan-Di, I am here for you whenever you need me." Ji-Hoo said. His words seemed to ease some of her anxiety. She stood up straighter and began walking instead of shuffling. It wasn't long before they met the others at the table of the restaurant. Dinner went off without a hitch. Everyone was talking and laughing and enjoying the food. They stayed till close, before Jun-Pyo paid the bill, claiming he invited everyone, the least he could do was pay.

The next morning dawned warm and bright. Everyone decided on a swim and then beach barbeque. Jan-Di was changed and off like a shot, Ga-Eul chasing after her. The others followed at a more sedate pace. Woo-Bin helping Yi-Jung with the catering for lunch. Jun-Pyo stopped Ji-Hoo on the path.

"Hey. It's been a while since we caught up last. Everything okay?" Jun-Pyo asked his oldest friend.

"Jun-Pyo, why didn't anyone tell me Jan-Di was being bullied so much?" Ji-Hoo knew Jun-Pyo was trying to avoid the conversation. He has asked several times how things were going, how Jan-Di was handling his absence but Jun-Pyo dodged his questions every time.

"I-uh-you" Jun-Pyo stuttered. He took a deep breath. "I honestly didn't know. Shortly after you left, We grew close and then she rejected me. I didn't take it well and with your leaving she was seen as the reason for the F4s disbandment. Once I got wind of it I claimed otherwise and that seemed to help. I eventually swallowed my pride to realize that she was right. I love her, she has been the source of a turning point in my life. I can never repay her for that. but I am not in love with her." Jun-Pyo and Ji-Hoo walked a few feet silently. "The news got around that she had rejected me, so the bullying turned into a massive scandal on her character. A girl who pretended to be Jan-Di's friend concocted the whole thing. We only found out because we had our sources. She never told us. Ever. She never asked for help, she never said anything. I know that we consider her friends, but I don't know if she considers us friends." Jun-Pyo spoke honestly, if a little hesitantly.

Ji-Hoo stayed quiet, absorbing what Jun-Pyo said. Ji-Hoo knew it to be tribute to Jan-Di's presence that Jun-Pyo was so serious and caring now. "She said something about the scandal when we got off the plane. We talked a little while I was away, she didn't tell me anything about the bullying. She would talk about you all. She always was positive about what she said." Ji-Hoo said. They were almost to the others, they watched Jan-Di pull her shirt off, hurrying to the water. She plunged right in while the other three got ready slower, putting on sunscreen and organizing their belongings. "Come on, let's hurry. They'll have all the fun without us." Ji-Hoo and Jun-Pyo hurried to the beach, each swiping one of the lounging chairs to settle into.

Jun-Pyo was relaxing watching his friends enjoy the beach. Ji-Hoo was lightly dozing. Ga-Eul was walking along the beach. Yi-Jung and Woo-Bin were beginning to arrange lunch. Jan-Di was still swimming.

"Jan-Di! Come in now! It's lunch time!" Ga-Eul called out to her friend. Jan-Di waved at her but made no move to come back to the beach. "Geum Jan-Di! You need to come back in!" Ga-Eul called again.

She took a few steps into the shallows, worry pitching her voice up. "Jan-Di! That is enough. Come back please!" Ga-Eul called again. She shuffled forward some more.

"Ga-Eul, what's wrong?" Yi-Jung asked from the beach.

"Something is wrong with Jan-Di. She is just flailing in place. She won't come in." Ga-Eul began to panic in earnest. "Jan-Di! I'm coming. Hold on!" Ga-Eul tried to go deeper but was stopped by Yi-Jung. She turned to bark something at him but was distracted by the blur of bronze skin and auburn hair.

Ji-Hoo raced paced her to dive into the water, swimming with speed and grace to where Jan-Di's failing was slowing down. He grabbed her, laying her on her back to wrap an arm around her. He began pulling her and himself to shore. Once she got to the shallows Yi-Jung and Woo-Bin helped carry her to a lounge chair Jun-Pyo readied. Ga-Eul tried to come forward but was held back by Yi-Jung. Jan-Di laid on the chair, limp and unconscious. Ji-Hoo checked her pulse and airways and not finding any, began to do chest compressions. He pressed firmly in the center of her chest. He counted to 30 and then pinched her nose to push his breath into her lungs. 'Come on, love, breathe for me.' He prayed. Pulling away, he saw it didn't work. He bent down and began a second round of CPR. 'Jan-Di, come on. I have something to say. You can't leave me alone already'

The other boys stood in silence, concern freezing them in place. Ga-Eul stood pressed into Yi-Jung's side and shoulder seeking comfort. They watched Ji-Hoo go through the second round of compression, knowing Jan-Di's chance shrunk with each minute. Ji-Hoo bent to being the third round when Jan-Di jerked, water spewing out of her mouth, coughing wetly. Ji-Hoo turned her on her side, rubbing her back in a soothing manner. He crouched down whispering comforting words into her ear, trying to beat the panic he was sure to come.

"Come on, let's give them a minute. We can get ready for lunch. They should be here any second now." Jun-Pyo pulled everyone's attention away from the two. Ga-Eul resisted Yi-Jung for a moment before complying. In no time at all, Ji-Hoo was alone with Jan-Di.

"You're okay. I am right here. You're fine." Ji-Hoo was murmuring. Jan-Di breath was coming in starts and stops, she was shaking. Ji-Hoo reached over and grabbed both their shirts. He threw his one and then gingerly helped Jan-Di into hers. Jan-Di sat up still trying to catch her breath. "Jan-Di, you're fine. You got a really bad cramp from over swimming, I rescued you. I had to do some CPR cause you weren't-"Ji-Hoo's voice broke. "You weren't breathing." He finished.

He wasn't sure what he was expected Jan-Di to do, but lurching into his chest and wrapping her arms tightly around him was not it. She pressed her face into his shoulder, trying to calm her breathing and stop her tears but couldn't seem to. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in tighter. He didn't like her crying but somewhere deep inside him was pleased her tears were for him, in all the time he had know her, she only cried around him, pride bloomed in his chest at being the keeper of her tears.

"Ji-Hoo sunbae I was so scared. I tried to call out but I kept going under. I thought I was going to drown. I thought I was going to die. I would have if not for you. Thank you sunbae, for saving me again. I am sorry I got your shirt wet." She was speaking into his shirt but her could hear her just fine.

"I am glad you are okay. It would have broken a number of people's hearts. I will always do everything in my power to save you, not matter what. If you being alive end with nothing but a wet shirt then I will do it all over again. Jan-Di, it is okay to be scared. I was scared too. Everyone here was." His words seemed to help and hinder at the same time. Jan-Di pressed closer but her tears had finally stopped.

"We can stay here for a bit. They all are working on lunch. I don't want to push you too hard. I also don't want you getting in the water for a while. You went through a lot today, I don't want you pushing it." Ji-Hoo ran his fingers through her hair, trying to memorize how Jan-Di felt in his arms.

"I didn't plan on getting back in today. I think I had enough ocean today. I just really want some food and a nap." She paused humming thoughtfully. "And a shower" She giggled.

Ji-Hoo held her a little tighter, unadulterated joy thrumming in his veins. "I am so glad you are okay. You have no idea how scared and panicked I was."

Jan-Di's fingers gripped his shirt tight. "I am okay. Everything is fine. Thanks to you. You saved me." Jan-Di's voice was warm in his ear. She leaned back, beaming at him. "Let's get some lunch." The two of them got up, Jan-Di was a little unsteady but with Ji-Hoo's help she made it to the table with no problem.

The group dispersed after lunch to do their own thing. Jan-Di and Ga-Eul walked around the town near the resort. That is where she found a tabloid with the cover story being how Seo-Hyun was getting married. Jan-Di bought it with no hesitation, she would ask Jun-Pyo if there was any truth in the story. On their walk, Jan-Di was drawn to a woman selling flowers. Seeing as she had Jan-Di's attention she explained you only gave the flower to you one true love, and if they accepted then you would live happily ever after.

"Jan-Di, take it. You can give it to Ji-Hoo. It wouldn't hurt." Ga-Eul encouraged. Jan-Di frowned in consideration.

"Ga-Eul, I don't know. Sunbae is like prince charming, he deserves Cinderella. I am just the scullery maid. I don't want to bring his reputation down by getting closer." Jan-Di looked down, eyes dull and flat.

"If I may, You will never know if you don't try. Take one. I hope it is well received." The woman handed Jan-Di a plant. The two girls left, to continue shopping and sight-seeing before dinner. After dinner F4 and the girls were sitting around chatting Jan-Di forgetting she had left the magazine from earlier on the beach chair where Woo-Bin was now sitting. He had flipped through and upon seeing the story of Seo-Hyun turned to Ji-Hoo. Ji-Hoo didn't have much to say on the matter and as such had walked off a while ago. Jan-Di got up decided this would be the time she would begin paying Ji-Hoo back for all the support he gave her. She back tracked to her room and grabbed the love flower.

Ji-Hoo was exactly where she thought he would be, sitting on the boat he had borrowed to take her fishing on after lunch to keep her out of the ocean. She held the plant behind her back, remembering why she was here. She put the plant in the cool sand, standing before Ji-Hoo silently. She was here for him, she would wait for his acknowledgement.

"Why aren't you with the others?" He asked not looking up. He didn't have it in him right now to comfort her if she needed it. 'I maybe over Seo-Hyun noona but it still hurts that she is getting married. I miss her.'

"You are more important. I didn't want you to be alone." Jan-Di told him. Ji-Hoo finally looked up at her, surprise evident on his face. "I am sorry, Ji-Hoo sunbae. Seo-Hyun unnie is so important to you." Jan-Di's voice cracked on a small sob. "Maybe if you go back, you can talk her out of it, maybe you can win her over finally."

"No. We discussed our futures. We aren't meant to be. Some loves are purely platonic. The love Seo-Hyun and I share is. We will always be there for each other, be we can't be the only one for each other." Ji-Hoo smiled at Jan-Di, who had tears on her cheeks. "You just knew her better than I do." The comment seemed to increase her sadness. "He is a French nobleman. He is good for her. I approve of him."

"Sunbae, You have to be happy then, no matter who you choose in the future. I can't bear for you to be unhappy. If you are unhappy then I will be too." Jan-Di hesitated, trying to calm her tears. "Ji-Hoo sunbae, you have done so much for me, I don't have much to offer in return except myself. I will be there for you whenever you need me." Ji-Hoo stood up and pulled her into a hug. He knew that wasn't what she wanted to say.

"Jan-Di, what if I chooses you? What if you make me happy?" Ji-Hoo whispered in her ear. He felt her tense, he held her tighter, and she relaxed again. "How could I not love a woman who cares for me as much as you do? I only regret not understanding how I felt sooner."

"Ji-Hoo sunbae. Remember how I had something to tell you?" Jan-Di asked. Ji-Hoo nodded, walking backwards to the boat so he could pull her down tucking her under his arm.

"I have a secret." She paused. "I didn't want you to go to France, after Seo-Hyun unnie. I thought that with her leaving maybe you would see the simple common girl that was next to you. Then I realized I don't hold a candle to her. Let alone you look at me when she had been there for so long. I decided to instead of oppose you to support you. I decided your happiness was more important than mine." Jan-Di looked over the water, biting her lip. "It broke my heart to see you walk away in the airport and know it was me who pushed you away. I told Ga-Eul when we got here, I felt like I had cause a great rift in out friendship because I got greedy. When you came back, I was okay staying in the background, I knew eventually I would leave your life or you would find someone fitting for it. But you were different. You didn't seem as...distracted. You were more open with me and it made me hope. I grew to understand, the crush I had on you was nothing compared to the love I began to feel." Jan-Di covered her face with her hands, she could feel the heat on her cheeks.

"Jan-Di, My Jan-Di, Are you saying..."Ji-Hoo couldn't finish. He didn't want to assume with her. Assuming led to nothing good the last time.

Jan-di uncovered her face and gathered her courage, walking over to pick something out off the sand. "I am in love with you, Yoon Ji-Hoo. If you please accept this as well as my confession." Jan-Di held out the small white flowering plant, he cheeks as red as flames, eyes glinting determinedly.

Ji-Hoo turned around to grab a similar plant. "Geum Jan-Di. I, too am in love with you. If you please, accept this as well as my confession." Ji-Hoo grinned at the silently crying Jan-Di. He blinked, and noticed he was crying too.

They swapped plants, laughing and crying. They put the plants on the boat, and Ji-Hoo pulled her close once more. "How could I not love you. You care so intensely. I would be lost without you." He pulled her into a soft kiss, pressing his lips chastely against hers, relishing in the closeness. 'Never again will I be cold, with Jan-Di by my side.' He thought.

Jan-Di leaned into his strength. 'Never again will I be lonely, with Ji-Hoo by my side.' Jan-Di thought. She gripped the sides of shirt, enjoying the warmth he put off, the stability, the comfort.

After a few seconds of innocent pressure, Ji-Hoo moved his lips capturing her top one between his. The broke their kiss to hug one another. The feeling of eyes on them had them pulling apart. They turned to see Jun-Pyo angrily staring at them. Ji-Hoo and Jan-Di turned to face them, Ji-Hoo lacing their fingers together.

"How dare you. I can't believe you would take advantage of her like this. You should be ashamed." Jun-Pyo snarled at Ji-Hoo. Jan-Di stepped forward to block Ji-Hoo from his anger.

"Gu Jun-Pyo! We talked about this. You confessed to me once upon a time. I rejected you very nicely. I want us to be friends, Jun-Pyo. I told you then that you were too late or maybe too early. Remember? I wasn't ready for anything you had wanted to offer. Please don't make this hard on us. Support us as our friends. I love you Jun-Pyo but I will never be in love with you." Jan-Di told him. She clung tightly to Ji-Hoo's hand.

"Pathetic. He is only confessing to you because Seo-Hyun rejected him. How can you be someone's second choice? How can you love someone that would treat you like that?" Jun-Pyo demanded. Jan-Di felt Ji-Hoo's grip loosen. She hung on tighter.

"You wouldn't see me as your first choice, Jun-Pyo. Stop deluding yourself. Your business will always be first. Ji-Hoo might have loved someone before me, but that doesn't mean I am his second choice. His loves me. Even with the damage I will cause to his reputation. Ii am a simple commoner, and people will resent that. I am glad to be by his side as long as he will let me, until the day our love may run out. Unlike you. If I was to be with you, we would be forced apart and grow to resent each other over time. I am happy to be by Ji-Hoo's side, for how long that may be." Jan-Di seemed to fun out of steam, her grip growing lax in Ji-Hoo's.

"I am glad to stand by you forever. Jan-Di, I plan on marrying you one day. I have the freedom of choice. You are that choice." Ji-Hoo tightened his grip on her hand. He was speaking to her. He raised his voice to be heard by Jun-Pyo. "Jun-Pyo, please. Accept us. We are your friends. Treat us as such. Don't let this be the wedge that drives us apart." Ji-Hoo pleaded.

"Aish." Jun-Pyo stormed off, leaving nothing but tension and apprehension in his wake. Jan-di tried to shake off Ji-Hoo's grip and attention. She hadn't meant to be so aggressive with Jun-Pyo but she was tired of this coming up. She thought she had made her opinion well know before.

"When you reject Jun-Pyo before, he took it well but no one else did." Ji-Hoo said. Jan-Di looked at him waiting for him to ask a question. 'Her rejection of him offend the female students especially her so-called friend to the point they tried to ruin her reputation. And he had the nerve to think she would rethink her answer.' Jan-Di, what were you talking about earlier with Jun-Pyo?" Ji-Hoo finally asked.

"When I rejected him before, I told him that he wasn't in love with me. In the long run of things, I am nothing but a weak attempt at a rebellion. On top of that if I had accepted then one day I would be left alone and heartbroken because I will never be the most important thing to him." Jan-Di explained. She made to move back to the boat but was stopped by a gentle tug on her arm.

"Jan-Di, that isn't what I meant and I think you know that." Ji-Hoo was patiently waiting for her answer. This time when she stepped back towards the boat Ji-Hoo followed her. "I love you, I don't want you going into this will misconceptions."

"I love you too. I also know that you are a very well know and important person. I also know that I am not. I want to be with you for as long as I am able but I won't jeopardize you or your social standing because I am next to you." Jan-di bit her lip and played with the hem of her shirt.

"I may be of high social standing and have some pull in the upper class but I will not let that get in the way of us. I was serious, I have the freedom of choice being who I am. I plan on choosing you. One thing you need to understand is where Jun-Pyo will leave things to work out with minimal interference, I will be next to every second I can. You are no longer alone." Ji-Hoo explained. Jan-Di stared at him, considering what he said. The idea was a little novel to her, she wasn't one to be easily influenced, but the other girls had slowly gaslit her into believe she was a source of problems among the F4.

"I trust you. I will rely on you, then." Jan-Di sagged against Ji-Hoo, the emotions of the night catching up to her. She blinked slowly, sighing heavily. "I am glad I came along. I am glad you came back. Who knows where we'd be if you hadn't."

"Jan-Di, I couldn't leave you if I tried. You can rely on me. I would be honored if you would. Now how about we go back to our rooms? We should get some sleep so we can enjoy the rest of vacation." Ji-Hoo handed both plants to Jan-Di then crouched before her. "Get on. I'll carry you back."

A little bit later Jan-Di took the plant Ji-Hoo gave her and stepped towards her door. She turned quickly pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Night, Ji-Hoo." She ducked quickly into her room.

Ji-Hoo stood frozen, fingers pressed to wear Jan-Di's lips just touched, a soft smile on his face. "Good night, sweetheart."

#boys over flowers #boys over flowers au #Geum jan-di/ yoon ji-hoo #The Miscellaneous adventures of geum jan-di and yoon ji-hoo the series #geum jan di #yoon ji hoo #saundrasays #saundraswriting

[saundraswriting]

Miss Me?

SUMMARY:  Yoon Ji Hoo follows Min Seo Hyun to France but quickly realizes he left something important behind. He decides to return to Korea after helping Min Seo Hyun get settled, to finish what he started.

WARNINGS: Some strong language, but none otherwise. 

NOTES: This is the first of a au/fix-it series I am working on for Boys Over Flowers (The K-Drama). 

You can read it directly on AO3 here. 

Masterlist // AO3 

Geum Jan Di watched her first friend from Shinhwa High walk way,  she couldn't look away from his back, strong and broad. Jan-Di smiled softly until he was swallowed by the crowd and even then she stood, eyes unfocused fingers rubbing where his lips were minutes earlier. 'Good job, sunbae.' She thought before shaking her head slightly.

The other members of the F4 gang stood watching her, all concerned for their new friend. So Yi-Jung and Song Woo-Bin were contemplating how to cheer her up when Gun Jun-Pyo interjected. "Aish, Let's go. I can cheer you up." He reached for her hand but she skipped out of the way.

"Thank but not needed. I am fine. I will miss him but he promised me that he would be happy this way. I decided I am going to trust sunbae. I am going to head home." Jan-Di declined his offer and that second her phone rang. "Hello? Did you get to your gate okay? Sunbae, did you forget something?" She laughed lightly. She listened for a moment. "No. I was just leaving. I will be fine, I told you that two days ago." Jan-Di rolled her eyes. "Safe travels, sunbae. Call me when you land, yeah? I will call Unnie if you don't." She laughed again, before growing quiet. "Bye Ji-Hoo." She snapped her phone shut, taking a deep breath. "Okay, I am now heading home. Woo-Bin sunbae, Yi-Jung sunbae, Jun-Pyo, thank for letting me accompany you to seeing Ji-Hoo sunbae off. I will be leaving first then." She bowed to them before leaving the airport. F3 watching her as she did. 

"You think she will really be okay?" Yi-Jung asked.

Woo-Bin shrugged. "Were they really that close? The had run ins, yeah. but like when did they swap numbers? When did they get this close?"

"Probably Seo-Hyun noona's doing." Yi-Jung said. "Ji-Hoo was saying about how he had plans the other day. Wonder if they had plans together, he had been unreasonably moody a few days ago." 

"Enough about those two. Let's go." Jun-Pyo demanded. The other two nodded and they left the airport.

A few days had passed. Shinhwa High was the same, Jan-Di was bullied by the other students but it wasn't as intense, however some of the girls had taken offense at her being the reason of their beloved Ji-Hoo leaving. Jan-Di was trying to balance school, her family, bullies, a job and the demands the F3 members put on her as their 'mascot'. She had been enjoying her lunch when it was rudely interrupted by a screaming crowd. She looked up expected Yi-Jung and Woo-Bin together or Jun-Pyo by himself based of the shrillness of the screams. However there wasn't anyone by their entrance. She turned back to her lunch but was distracted by a shadow on her table and the complete silence of the room. She looked up, swallowing her last bite of food in her mouth. She jumped up throwing her arms around his neck. 

"Ji-Hoo sunbae! I missed you! Why didn't you tell me you were returning? Wait, why are you here? What about Seo-Hyun unnie? When did you get back? Did you see the others?" Jan-Di rattled off, letting go of Ji-Hoo. Ji-Hoo smiled down at the girl, who was frantically packing up her things. 

"What's wrong?" Ji-Hoo asked. “Didn’t you miss me?”

"It's not my place to offer but I think a venue change will do us both some good. I can feel my skin melting from the heat of the glares coming my way. And you don't like being the center of attention." Jan-Di explained. Ji-Hoo only nodded slightly in agreement, wondering again at how she learned to read him so quickly.

"Since you are only thinking of my benefit, I will suggest the F4 clubhouse. It technically is my place to offer. Shall we?" Ji-Hoo offered his arm and together they slipped through the crowd. Once free Ji-Hoo began answer Jan-Di's questions.

"I wanted to surprise you. That is why I didn't tell you. I came back for a few reasons, Seo-Hyun noona is fine, she told me to tell you hello and also she requests that you text her more often. I got back yesterday but needed to get settled and the guys knew I was coming back. I told them to keep it a secret from you." Ji-Hoo explained while preparing tea. "Yi-Jung kept me up to date on the going-ons over here." He looked at Jan-Di pointedly. she avoided his gaze, able to string a sentence together. She ran her index finger around the rim of her teacup, no longer concerned about her lunch.

"Jun-Pyo and the others kept me company when...I was alone. I would try to get them to lay off but you know how they are." Jan-Di shrugged, still speaking into her cup. "I tried and tried but...but I didn't mind. I will say that they calmed down significantly though, once the newness of me wore off." She smiled up at Ji-Hoo. "Don't worry, I still refuse to call Jun-Pyo sunbae. He seems tense lately though."

Ji-Hoo sat down with a sigh, shaking his head. "I am sorry. I feel responsible for your torment with them. I shouldn't have left." Ji-Hoo took a sip of tea looking into the middle distance. "Jun-Pyo is trying to comprehend where you stand. Not often does he have someone in his life solely for the sake of being there. However your presence may be causing trouble for him as well. We will have to see." Ji-Hoo trailed off. 

"What are you saying, Ji-Hoo sunbae?" Jan-Di asked. Ji-Hoo smiled softly.

"I am not saying anything. I know that a girl like you is shaking things up just by being as close as you are. Take no offense, please." Ji-Hoo ruffled her bangs. "Class will be starting soon. I will see you later." Ji-Hoo helped Jan-Di out of her chair, taking the tea tray out of her hands.

"It's nice to know that I wasn't too late." He murmured under his breath turning away. Jan-Di watched him walk away wanting to ask what he meant but decided to keep quiet.

"Sunbae, I need to hand to the science labs, so I will see you later." Jam-Di said. 

"Better hurry, don't want you being late on account of me and all." Ji-Hoo uncharacteristically hesitated. Jan-Di waited. "Do-Can-I mean-Can I see you after class? I can take you home after?" Ji-Hoo asked. 

"Of course, our spot?" Jan-Di confirmed. He nodded. Jan-Di beamed up at him, eye twinkling and teeth showing. Her happiness making his breath catch. "Ji-Hoo sunbae, I am glad you are back. I missed you."

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Ji-Hoo asked. Jan-di looked up at him in confusion. He huffed a laugh and leaned down bringing his hands up to her cheeks.

Ji-Hoo pressed his lips to Jan-Di's forehead, lingering for a moment. 

"I will see you after class. Now get going." Ji-Hoo pulled away, relishing in the stunned look on Jan-Di's face. ‘Is this how she looked after I kissed her in the airport? How did I ever walk away from her?'

The day came to an end. The school halls echoing with the frantic whispers of the students, rumors already flying about what happened at lunch. Jan-Di was glad for the rumors, it turned everyone's attention away from her and back to F4 who had finally been reconnected. She left her last class nerves finally catching up with her. 'I thought I was over him, but he comes back and I am just as lost as before.' She thought to herself. Distracted as she was, she didn't notice Gu Jun-Pyo right outside, The girls were screaming but she missed even that.

"Hey, Laundry-Girl. You really going to ignore me like that? Where are you manners?" He demanded. Jan-Di stopped, turning to him, dropping into a bow. 

"Sorry, Jun-Pyo. I didn't see you there. Did you need something? I am in a slight hurry. If it can wait, I will call you." Jan-Di said. Jun-Pyo peered at her closely.

"Are you sick or some shit? You are never this nice to me. What is going on with you?" Jun-Pyo demanded. Jan-Di ran her hands through her hair. She reached out and grabbed his hand. 

"Can I ask you a question? Nevermind. I am fine. I have to go." Jan-Di pulled away. Jun-Pyo grabbed her hand again.

"He came all this way for you. He didn't want to leave in the first place. if you have taught me anything, it is to trust in my feelings. Also you are no coward. Just go. okay?" Jun-Pyo said. 

"Gu Jun-Pyo are you trying to cheer me up? The great Gu Jun-Pyo is worried about little old Geum Jan-Di?" Jan-Di laughed, her smile not fading. "I'm not scared, I will have you know."

 "I know that. I was just reminding you. And I am more concerned you depressed attitude would have on my friends. especially Ji-Hoo if you planned on rejecting him." Jun-Pyo waved off a girl who was trying to get his attention. "Speaking of, you should get going. Don't make him wait too long." Jun-Pyo playfully ruffed her hair. "contrary to this school rumor mill, I am glad to have met you, Laundry-Girl. That is the last time I will say anything on the subject. Now get going." Jun-Pyo nudged her firmly in the direction of the doors.

"Thanks Jun-Pyo. You really are a good friend." Jan-Di finally let her smile fall. "I will be leaving first then." Jan-Di hurried to her locker and then walked down the familiar path to the bench where she first saw Ji-Hoo playing the violin.

As Jan-Di walked she couldn't help but think back on the few moments they had shared together, the many times he had saved her from emotional humiliations and physical hurts. The more she thought on Ji-Hoo the more she realized that she was never over him. She made him leave-pushed him away hoping he would find happiness, not wanting her selfishness to be what brought him sadness. 'Am I what he really wants? Am I only convenient? He is too good for me. Maybe this is a mistake...' Jan-Di stopped a few feet away from the bench. 

 Ji-Hoo sat perfectly poised and patiently waiting. She stepped forward, the sound of her shoes catching his attention. He looked up, smiling wide, Jan-Di felt her anxiousness ease slightly. "Jan-Di, I am glad to see you again. I have something-"

"Why did you come back really? Seo-Hyun unnie was what you wanted isn't it? what could have happened to bring you all the way back here so quickly. And don't tell me it was me. If I am the cause of your sadness, I don't know what I will do." Jan-Di's voice cracked slightly, eyes beginning to sting.

"Jan-Di, I did come back for you. but you have never once since meeting you ever thought you brought me sadness. You have only brought me happiness. You expanded my horizons, showed me how to look inside myself. This trip to Paris was only to confirm what I already knew. I loved Seo-Hyun habitually. I once loved her but I grew up and at some point realized our relationship was better when platonic rather than romantic." Ji-Hoo said. He stopped seeing Jan-Di's anxiety was not soothed, he pulled her into a tight hug. "I love you, Geum Jan-Di. I have for a while now, it just took me too long to realize that. I was afraid I was too late and someone had swept in during my absence to heal your broken heart."

"No. No one. I made my position as F4 mascot very clear while you were away and spent the few days running from their demands." Jan-Di said. She froze finally understanding what Ji-Hoo said. "Sunbae, are you-did you-I am-what?" She gaped at the older man. He laughed and nodded, tightening his embrace. 

"Yes, ma'am. I said what I said. Let me have the honor of dating you, please." Ji-Hoo pressed a kiss into her hair. He tried to keep the nerves out of his voice.

"Ji-Hoo sunbae, you really mean that don't you? You love me? As much as I love you? I was so happy when I heard Seo-Hyun was leaving, I thought maybe you would finally see me. But then I realized I would rather have you as a friend then not at all so I held back. I couldn't stomach the idea of you together, I just kept my brave face on hoping that I would be over you by the time you got back and then you came back and I wasn't over you. I wasn't over you, Yoon Ji-Hoo." Jan-Di's voice broke on a small sob and with it Ji-Hoo's heart. "I love you too." Jan-Di cried. Ji-Hoo pulled away using his fingers to wipe her tears before pulling her into a gentle kiss, tasting of salt. 

"Don't cry, my darling. Everything is fine." Ji-Hoo said. Jan-Di sniffled trying to pull herself together. "I am sorry, I made you cry again."

"I'm fine. I am just a little overwhelmed." Jan-Di took a deep breath, shaky on the exhale. "Let's get some tea, yeah?"

"Yeah. It'll be my treat." Ji-Hoo tucked Jan-Di's arm in his and together they walked to his motorcycle.

*******************************************************************************************

So what did you think? a very niche pairing in a very niche fandom. It was just to make me feel better. This will be part of a series: The Miscellaneous Adventures of Geum Jan-Di and Yoon Ji-Hoo. 

#saundraswriting #boys over flowers #Miss me? the fic #Geum jan-di/ yoon ji-hoo #geum jan di #yoon ji hoo #boys over flowers au #The miscellaneous adventures of guem jan-di and yoon jin-hoo the series

[saundraswriting]

Deprived Chapter 2: Fateful Day

SUMMARY: How is Yeon-Woo dealing with the increasing closeness of his probe when he has been taught to push them away? Yoo-Han pushes closer, concern for his mono making his disregard boundaries NOTES: This chapter is where the AU aspect begins. Yeon-Woo and Yoo-Han go on a date. WARNINGS: implications of self-harm, self-doubt, dom/sub undertones and praise kink

You can read it on Ao3.

Previous // Next

Deprived Masterlist // My Ao3 // My Masterlist

The day of the art show came, and with it was a missing Yoo-Han and a sullen Yeon-Woo. The former had an early meeting with his agency, or so he told everyone. He was really getting all the details of his afternoon date set up. He made sure that a delivery of groceries was scheduled for later in the evening so he could cook for Yeon-Woo once they got back to his place. Yoo-Han had a very detailed and lengthy plan to coddle and pamper the person who was quickly becoming the most important thing to him.

Yeon-Woo shuffled through the first half of school with a cloud over his head. He had been so happy the last few days, learning colors with Yoo-Han but even spending time with him and Min-Jae and Joo-Haeng. He was learning how to be a happy normal teenager. He was pleased that after year of failing to find a place to make his own, he found it on accident. 'I have to remember to thank Yoo-Han. He was the one who helped me see that I can be happy, that I deserve to be happy.'Yeon-Woo thought. The idea of his probe/possible boyfriend made him smile. Yeon-Woo had been worried that he said something the day before that made Yoo-Han upset, he had pulled away and he knew how that hurt him every time. He just was so surprised by his own thoughts, they scared him. He wasn't supposed to feel happiness when it came to his probe. He was supposed to feel nothing. He tried to shake his melancholy by the time lunch rolls around knowing that Joo-Haeng has probably reported his mood to Yoo-Han. The three of them seem to be his personal musketeers, differing to Yoo-Han when it came to making a decision. To avoid the questions about his mood and lack of appetite, Yeon-Woo treks outside to the small flower garden the school maintained.

Yeon-Woo.

My Yeon-Woo

My Yeon-Woo, who is the softest.

Are you there?

The texts come in one after the other giving him no time to respond. Yeon-Woo waits a moment but when no more come he answers. I am. It's lunch. How did you meeting go?

Well. I heard you're in need of some cheering up.

You heard wrong. I am doing fine.

You only say you are fine when you are not. You think it will discourage me from asking. All it does is make me pay more attention. My Yeon-Woo. I said we'll be together forever. Remember?

Yeon-Woo remembered. He remembered crying softly into a shoulder that was there because it wanted to be, not out of obligation to be there. He remembered the bright smile, visible even with the mask. He remembered the tremble in Yoo-Han's voice, full of happiness and warmth and affection. Yeon-Woo is struck with the powerful urge to see Yoo-Han, to feel him under his fingers, to hear him murmur softly in his ear. I remember. I want to see you. Yeon-Woo texted back. He was forgetting more frequently why he should be less eager to see and feel and hear his probe.

My lovely Yeon-Woo. When you say things like that, it makes me the happiest person in the world. What if I told you that you could see me? I have a date planned for us. I will be picking you up right after school. So don't be late.

Yeon-Woo spluttered at his phone for a few seconds before texting back a jumble of words that he hoped came across as agreeing. After a few more minutes, any texts he sent with questions about the date were read but ignored. Any texts that he sent not about the date were promptly answered, which Yeon-Woo took correctly as a sign to stop asking about the date. He went back to class after talking to Yoo-Han a bit longer, steps much lighter and the cloud over his head gone.

Joo-Haeng sent Yoo-Han a quick text to let him know about the mood shift and could feel the pride and smugness through the phone.

Yeon-Woo was out the door the second the chimes began, he had somewhere to be after all. Min-Jae agreed to handle his clean-up for the day-citing the grandfather told him to be prepared for this-with a wave of his hand. Joo-Haeng told him to leave his bag, he would take it home and bring it back. Yeon-Woo was met at the gates be the familiar silhouette of Yoo-Han. Yeon-Woo hurried even faster, coming to a stop right in front of him. Yeon-Woo reached out and hesitated, wanting to touch but unsure of how to initiate affection. Yoo-Han smiled before pulling his hand to his cheek and nuzzling, pressing a mask covered kiss to his palm.

"Hello, my darling. Are you ready? I have a big day planned." Yoo-Han said. He laced his fingers with Yeon-Woo's before walking down the street.

"I am a little nervous. I have never been on a date." Yeon-Woo confessed to the sidewalk. Yoo-Han almost stopped, the shot of possessiveness and pride making him ditch the whole idea and take him straight home. He shook those thoughts out of hiss head.

"I am thrilled that I get to be the first and only then. I have everything planned out for us. I have everything covered too. First we are going to an exhibition. I plan on taking my mask of for it though, once we are inside. That is all I am telling you know though." Yoo-Han said. He squeezed Yeon-Woo's hand tightly before the made their way to the art show.

Once they got close, Yoo-Han took of his mask. A testament to how long they had been working on Yeon-Woo's color rushes meant he didn't pass out. They arrived and Yeon-Woo could feel the excitement bubbling. Yoo-Han held out two tickets, while Yeon Woo snapped a few pictures. They were both given stubs to keep. Yeon-Woo decided that minute he was keeping it forever. He was going to start a scrapbook full of his memories with Yoo-Han to keep forever, for when he was ripped from this happiness.

The two boys without a care in the world took their time going through the different rooms. They took videos and pictures, trying to immortalize the moment. Yeon-Woo lingered constantly, trying to etch the colors in his mind. Trying not to think about when he was alone once more, all the evidence of the day would be as monochromatic as everything else, for without Yoo-Han there was no color, nor a reason to see it. Yeon-Woo pushed aside those thoughts again, thriving in the moment, surrounded by vibrant colors, given to him by Yoo-Han, given only to see him smile. In one room, Yoo-Han pulled their laced hands to his mouth pressing a kiss to Yeon-Woo's knuckles. The affection in Yoo-Han's gaze was enough to make his heart skip a beat. I would do anything to make sure he always looks at me like that.

Oh.

Oh.

I love him.

The thought stopped him dead in his tracks. Yeon-Woo knew what loving his probe lead to. It lead to possessiveness and aggression and death. Yoo-Han was too bright to only light up Yeon-Woo's world of shadows. That didn't leave many options. He would have to disappear, before he became the monster he feared.

"Yeon-Woo, are you okay? We are almost done. Think you could finish the exhibition, or is it too much?" Yoo-Han's voice split his thoughts like an axe. Yoo-Han looked so soft and warm and fond that Yeon-Woo couldn't think for ruining this day for a second. "Let us both have this day. Then come tomorrow, I swear that I will be gone from your life. I will protect you, even if I am the thing you need protected from.'Yeon-Woo swore to himself.

"I am okay. Lets finish the show, but I am getting hungry." Yeon-Woo said. Yoo-Han smiled at him before lacing their hands together again.

"Okay. Then let me finish working on our dinner plans while we finish the show. I know you are probably getting tired but hang on a little while longer." Yoo-Han began tapping away on his phone and a few minutes later as the entered the last room, The both gasped in wonder.

The last room was a constantly shifting projection of a myriad of colors. They shifted and bloomed and dripped and grew and rose with every breath a different color every minute. It was beautiful and seemed to never end, the two boys began dancing together in the room, holding each other close. Yeon-Woo holding tighter than ever, knowing if only in his head that this was the last time they would be together. He wouldn't allow himself to be the source of Yoo-Han's pain and anguish, not when he had such a bright future ahead of him. After lingering for several moments in the final show room then finally exited. They did stop at the gift shop. Both boys buying a small print of one of their favorite pieces. The paused on the sidewalk, Yoo-Han checking something on his phone with a bright grin.

"Okay, sweetheart. Our next stop is out final stop. Your place. I had some stuff delivered so I could make you dinner." Yoo-Han for the first time in all their months together looked nervous. Yeon-Woo felt pure love rush through his veins, no one has cooked for him in years. When his aunt was home she usually went out for dinner with work friends or contacts, and left him alone.

"That sounds perfect. Come on." Yeon-Woo tugged on their clasped hands, and Yoo-Han stumbled a bit laughing at his eagerness. He slipped his mask on, to hid from the public and dutifully followed.

The walk was short, Yeon-Woo unlocked the door and security alarm, Yoo-Han memorizing it for reasons. He stood right behind him with the two bags of groceries in his hands. They took off their shoes, Yoo-Han unpacking everything while Yeon-Woo changed into more comfortable clothing. When he came back down, he had in his arms a bundle of cloth.

"Yoo-Han, I have some clothes you could change into. I also pulled out a spare futon and some pajamas for later if you want. I don't know what the rest of the night holds for us but, I figured be prepared?" Yeon-Wo trailed off, unsure.

"Do you want me to spend the night? I had one more thing planned for you this evening after dinner. I didn't want to be to presumptuous and demand to stay the night. I will if you want me too." Yoo-Han cupped his cheek in his hand, pressing their foreheads together.

Yeon-Woo's eyes watered slightly at the soft touch. "I would like nothing more than for you to stay." Yeon-Woo blinked the tears away. "Take these and get changed. We can hang your uniform on my door so it stays clean." Yeon-Woo said. Yoo-Han nodded in agreement. He took the offered clothes and went in to the bathroom. Yeon-Woo walked over to his mother's portrait and stared at it. 'That man is Go Yoo-Han. He is my probe. I love him. I want to protect him. I hope you approve.'Yeon-Woo was distracted staring at the painting that he didn't hear Yoo-Han come back.

"Who is this? Your sister?" Yoo-Han's voice wasn't muffled by the mask,

"No. My mother. My aunt's sister. She went missing almost 5 years ago. It was what made my aunt begin Black and White show. She went out on an errand and never came back. She was trying to teach me yellow that day. She would try to teach me like you do, not just the color but what makes it that color scientifically and emotionally too. She would be happy I met you, even though dad died of illness a year before she went missing." Yeon-Woo spoke with a carefully distance, trying to smother the emotions the story brought up with detachment. He didn't turn around and face Yoo-Han, not yet.

"You suffered so much and you still try to carry it all on you own. You aren't alone anymore. You said it yourself, she would be glad we met." You look like her. I can see it a bit in your faces." Yoo-Han said, happiness ringing in his tone.

"You are right. I'm not alone." Yeon-Woo took a deep breath. "Can we wait a minute on dinner? I want to see her. My dad painted that for her years ago. Said that is what she wore the day they met." Yeon-Woo didn't dare turn around, not wanting to see Yoo-Han's face at his eagerness and heartbreak.

"Of course. Do you want to sit down. Here is a blanket. You sit, I will show you my face. If you want to talk I am here, if not then we move on to dinner." Yoo-Han wrapped Yeon-Woo up in a blanket and plopped him down on the small bench across from the uncovered painting. Yeon-Woo looked up into his best friend's face, into his probe's face and promptly passed out from his second color rush.

When he came to, he first looked at Yoo-Han-always the first thing he looks at-then at the painting that has haunted him for almost 5 years. He began crying quietly, seeing the yellow headband and red lips and sky blue dress and brown shoes. He was unaware he was talking through the distant memories, working through the trauma and despair while clinging to his future like a drowning man. Yoo-Han felt his heart break all over again for this small sad boy who only wanted simple things in life-someone to love and someone to love him. Yoo-Han felt a red-hot anger scorch through him when he thought of everything his perfect Yeon-Woo had gone through to get to this point right here, breaking down in his arms over a painting for a woman he never got to mourn because of his deluded aunt's belief that she is still alive.

Minutes or hours later, Yeon-Woo finally stopped crying. He loosened his grip on Yoo-Han swaying to his feet. "I am going to wash my face. Then we can get started on dinner." Yoo-Han got up and started rummaging through cupboards to find what he needed to get dinner made.

Not a minute later, Yeon-Woo settled into the kitchen to begin helping make food. It was slow goings at first, Yeon-Woo was getting distracted by the food and the colors. They worked as a good team together. He had to keep pushing down the desire and thoughts of this being the rest of his days. He wasn't going to open that door, it would be too hard to shut again and he was already pushing Yoo-Han's luck with as much time as they have been spending with each other. He didn't want anything else to tip the scales, to make him into a monster.

"Food looks and tastes better when you can see what it is supposed to look like. Most days I can only stomach one meal, everything looks gray and bland."

Yeon-Woo admitted quietly. "My Aunt doesn't have monochromatic vision but she isn't home often so a lot of my day to day is handled by me. And sometimes, food is hard. sometimes living is hard." Yeon-Woo continued the confession, unaware of what he was doing to Yoo-Han's heart. "You make it easy. I will never be able to thank you for everything you have done for me." Yeon-Woo tried to smile at Yoo-Han but knew it was shaky and weak. Yoo-Han felt his breath catch in his throat. 'What am I supposed to say to that? My poor Yeon-Woo, depressed and alone, believing he doesn't deserve the things that make life worth living.'Yoo-Han was brushed his hands off before pulling the other boy into a hug, squeezing tight, trying to press the broken pieces of this boy back together.

"Thank you for telling me. I am glad you trust m enough to talk to me. And you are my Yeon-Woo, my mono, you will never have to thank me for anything. Now let's finish dinner. I think the rest of the night will be much needed, and I want to have enough time to do it right." Yoo-Han pressed Yeon-Woo against the counter, lifting him by the hips and sitting him on the counter. "Now, just sit there and look pretty. Tonight is all about you."

Dinner was amazing. Yoo-Han was rather skilled in the kitchen, handling several things at once, letting nothing burn. He only let Yeon-Woo handle stirring from the counter after listening to him nag about it, citing he felt useless. Once finished, they sat at the small table off to to the right of the kitchen, Yeon-Woo eating at a snail's pace. Yoo-Han didn't mind, he knew from now on they would be eating together somewhere private. With or without a color rush, Yoo-Han would make it his mission to let Yeon-Woo begin enjoying the simple things again. They chatted through dinner, talking about school and kpop training and the art show. It was intimate and pleasant. Yeon-Woo felt warm and fuzzy, he felt cared for for the first time in years.

"The next and final part to this is a bath. I want this day to be all about pampering and coddling you, so I figured that I could give you a bath. What do you think?" Yoo-Han offered. Yeon-Woo barely blinked before he nodded, a bright grin on his face.

"Okay, let me get the bath ready. Can you get me some towels and your pajamas please, sweetheart?" Yoo-Han didn't miss the slight blush on his face. Yeon-Woo got up and tried to gather the dishes, a hand on his arm stopped him. "What did I ask you to do, dearest? I will handle this. You go on." Yoo-Han said. Yeon-Woo nodded again, the endearment making him flush again. Yoo-Han went to the bathroom controls to hear the room and floor, he gathered all the necessary bottles, and began filling the tub, using water that was a little to hot since they wouldn't be getting in right away. Yoo-Han rolled his pant legs up and waited for Yeon-Woo. He came in a few seconds later, clothes in a bundle and dressed in only a robe.

Yoo-Han smiled softly. "You did a great job, love. Now, come here and sit down. I'll wash you hair and back before you get in." Yoo-Han pointed to the stool, turning the water on. Yeon-Woo blushed deeply, before settling down on the stool. Yoo-Han filed that information away for later use. Yoo-Han had him test the water, before spraying it on his head. He wet his hair and picked up some lemon lavender shampoo massaging it in deeply. the lather smelled nice, filling the whole room. Yoo-Han rubbed his fingers into Yeon-Woo's scalp, small circles to simulate a massage. He could feel the tension easing in Yeon-Woo's shoulders and back.

I'm gonna rinse now. Keep you eyes closed, sweetie." Yoo-Han waited for the quiet hum of agreement before gently pressing on Yeon-Woo's forehead, resting him on his shoulder. With soft fingers and gentle motions he rinsed the shampoo out. He grabbed some conditioner and rubbed that in just as softly. "Okay, precious. I'm gonna scrub you down okay? I got the cloth right here and I'll handle everything okay, honey?" Yeon-Woo let out a small whimper at the endearment. He leaned against Yoo-Han even more. "I have the bath ready. Let's get you in, cupcake." Yoo-Han helped Yeon-Woo into the tub, using his foot to slide the soap over. He put a towel to cushion Yeon-Woo's head and began washing him. He did his arms in nice, smooth strokes. He washed his torso, legs, toes, fingers, neck. He nudged him forward and cleaned his back. Yeon-Woo was just shy of asleep. Yoo-Han felt pride and possessiveness run through him again, 'I made him look like this. I am the only one to see him like this.'.

"Hey, sleepyhead. All done. You with me, sugarplum? Can you get up? Let's get you dressed and tucked into bed." Yoo-Han helped him out of the bath and into his clothes. Yoo-Han helped him into bed, swiping the pajamas that Yeon-Woo had set out earlier. Yeon-Woo was laying under his covers, eyes soft, affection making his gaze syrupy and thick. Yoo-Han came back in, the direct gaze loosening his shoulders. Yeon-Wo looked pampered and soft and happy and all because of Yoo-Han.

"Yoo-Han, thank you for today. I have never had a day like today. I am glad that I met you." Yeon-Woo murmured. "You can't ever leave me, Yoo-Han. I would go crazy without you." Yeon-Woo's eyes closed, breaths evening out. Yoo-Han settled into the futon on the floor, content that he made Yeon-Woo happy.

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #color rush #kdrama #yoo han x yeon woo #go yoo han #color rush fluff #color rush fanfiction

[saundraswriting]

Deprived Masterlist

SUMMARY: Yeon-Woo has reasons for trying to keep the distance between him and Yoo-Han. He will convince him of that one day. Even if it means removing himself from the picture entirely

WARNINGS: Self-depreciating thoughts, possible SH?, slight mental emotional abuse/manipulation

NOTES: This is this first chapter of my Color Rush fic. I am thinking two or three parts. I posted a warning for the canon compliant mentality that comes with mono/probes. I hope you enjoy!

Read it on Ao3 and you can find me at @saundrasays

Chapter 1: Fateful Meeting // Chapter 2: Fateful Day //

Chapter 3: Fateful Decision

#saundraswriting #saundrasays #color rush #yoo han x yeon woo #protective yoo-han #soft yoo-han #color rush fluff #color rush angst #yeon-woo deserves nice things #yoo-han is a nice thing #Deprived the fic

[saundraswriting]

Deprived Chapter 1: Fateful Meeting

SUMMARY: Yeon-Woo has reasons for trying to keep the distance between him and Yoo-Han. He will convince him of that one day. Even if it means removing himself from the picture entirely

WARNINGS: Self-depreciating thoughts, possible SH?, slight mental emotional abuse/manipulation

NOTES: This is this first chapter of my Color Rush fic. I am thinking two or three parts. I posted a warning for the canon compliant mentality that comes with mono/probes. I hope you enjoy!

Read it here on Ao3

Next Chapter

Main Masterlist // Drama Masterlist // Ao3

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

Yeon-Woo's mother had explained that to him many times as he got older. She had found and lost her probe, she learned and lost the world of colors and prayed the same would not happen for her son. Her prayers were unanswered for he learned the pain of loss much to soon. She was getting ready for her day of errands, trying to explain the idea of yellow to him, gave him one last loving kiss and was never seen from again.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

When the case ran cold, he was handed over to his aunt. She-with cheeks wet from tears-took in her nephew and sold what was left of her sisters keeping only what she could not part with. Yi-Rang didn't try to explain what happened only began working tirelessly with her show to begin explaining the truth behind the cases, the new and old, to try to understand what may have happened to her sister. She came and went, in the four years since his mother's disappearance, he became a functioning adult. He practically lived alone and only saw his aunt a couple days a month. The only time he saw her more was when he was in trouble at school.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

School was hard. He got above average grades but his junior high years were peppered with failed attempts to make friends. They would be fine until somehow they found out he was a mono then he was alone again. Or he would be bullied into transferring and didn't have time to make friends. He was growing accustomed to being alone. He learned to enjoy his solitude, that would have to be enough. The black and white and gray world he lived in seem to sap him of his strength. Some days would pass, Yeon-Woo feeling as empty as his monochromatic vision. He would go to his room, dinnerless and studying until his eyes burned. He might not have anyone but his aunt, even so he refused to disappoint her more.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

The first day of his new school was supposed to be quiet, easy. He wanted to go to school and come home and not see the look of mild disappointment on his aunt's face. It was anything but that. He made two new friends and met his probe. Yeon-Woo tried to focus on the pretty face but the swirling colors caused his head and stomach to roll, resulting in him passing out. He wasn't aware of the young man carrying him to the nurse's office or the conversation he and the nurse had. Yeon-Woo tried to wake up but the colors were too overwhelming so he closed his eyes again. After a bit he came to, blinking in surprise at the vast amount of color he could see just in the nurse's office. Yeon-Woo ran a fingernail lightly over the fabric of his pants, the vibrant color reminding him of something but not sure what.

"That is the color of the ocean. Ocean Blue or Deep Blue." A smooth voice chimed in from behind. Yeon-Woo could feel them lean closer, see their hand almost touch his.

"The ocean?" This is the color of the ocean?" Yeon-Woo couldn't help but repeat, trying to memorize the color and the words. He knew it was for naught, he would never see it again.

"Mm-hmm." The hand and body shifted away. Yeon-Woo sighed, looking around as the colors began disappearing. He took a deep breath trying to tell himself, he was glad the colors were vanishing. It was better this way.

"That's good, the colors are going away." Yeon-Woo said aloud. He was sure that the disappointment was on his face, and he was happy the person was behind him unable to see his sadness.

Yoo-Han stared at the back before him, watched as the muscles tensed and shoulders slumped. He could hear the uneasiness in the new student's voice and knew in that instant that he would convince Yeon-Woo to want to learn colors and show him his face. Yoo-Han couldn't bare to see this soft boy be sad any longer. He reached a hand out wanting to soothe the young boy who he could tell was unsure of what to do next.

"Don't touch my hair." He swatted away Yoo-Han's hand. "You shouldn't touch a stranger without permission."

Yoo-Han leaned over him, close to his face, not missing the slight flinch. 'He knows who I am, and he isn't used to human contact or attention.' He thought to himself. "Good thing we aren't strangers, Choi Yeon-Woo. You are my mono and I am your probe." Yoo-Han replied smiling through the mask.

"No. I refuse. I didn't want to meet my probe. This never happened." Yeon-Woo stood up and wobbled unsteadily. Yoo-Han came around the bed hand raised to help but was waved off.

"Are you upset that I am your probe?" Yoo-Han wasn't one for insecurities but having the person practically destined for you deny you at the first meeting was unsettling.

"Who it was doesn't matter. I never needed to meet my probe. I didn't need to meet them." Yeon-Woo said. "And you shouldn't be excited to meet your mono. Don't you know? I could hurt you, kidnap you, kill you, or eat you to keep my colors. Monos shouldn't meet their probes, it is bad for you." Yeon-Woo tried to explain.

"Most of those stories are blown out of proportion. Also the media fixates on the stories were the monos are overly violent because you all are different. I don't think you could hurt a fly." Yoo-Han dismissed Yeon-Woo's concerns with a strong roll of his eyes.

"Besides, you are telling me you don't need to meet your probe. You never said anything about not wanting to meet your probe." Yoo-Han leaned in close, ignoring how Yeon-Woo tensed. "Do you want to learn colors?"

Yeon-Woo froze at the question, Yoo-Han saw the longing well up in his eyes before he shoved it and Yoo-Han away. Yoo-Han stood right back up again but Yeon-Woo held his hands up and out like they weren't his and began walking backwards, eyes wide and face pale. "Monos are violent. Always." Yeon-Woo's voice was thick and rough. Yoo-Han felt his heart break for his mono. In that moment, Yoo-Han decided he was going to show this warm gentle boy the wonders of color and show him he deserved nice things. He could tell someone had taught Yeon-Woo that he didn't, society or a person it didn't matter; Yoo-Han would make it better. Yeon-Woo scurried back to his class, picking up his things to go home. The day had been a significant loss and he only hoped that he could convince his new friends Min-Jae and Joo-Haeng that he had been too stressed and didn't eat or sleep.

The next morning Yeon-Woo was convinced he shouldn't go to school. Only the thought of disappointing his aunt made him go once more. Upon arrival he wasn't met with a gang of bullies or the student council or even teachers. The morning progressed like the day before. Yeon-Woo was both pleased and not at the development. He was glad that Yoo-Han chose not to see him but he was looking forward to seeing the class representative and his friend. He changed his shoes trying not to think on it too hard, it was the way his life should be-lonely and gray.

He got to his room and there was Min-Jae and Joo-Haeng waiting outside for him. They reassured him that they had taken care of any rumors of yesterday. When they questioned him about his mono status, he couldn't find it in him to lie. He even told them that Yoo-Han is his probe. Even if he had to transfer in a few weeks once his aunt learned he found his probe he wanted to enjoy his friends. Yoo-Han even kept his distance, only speaking when necessary. The next few days passed that way. Yeon-Woo kept silent on his desire to see colors and see Yoo-Han's face but he was sure that Yoo-Han could read it on his face, he kept watching Yeon-Woo with an intense puzzled look on his face.

A week had passed, and Yeon-Woo was considering his warning actually got through to the stubborn boy. They rarely talked but shared glances more than what was appropriate. Yeon-Woo was trying to be happy that he pushed the caring probe away. Nothing about himself mattered, only the safety of his probe. Yeon-Woo was warming up to the idea of being without his probe, until the day came when he was late. Yeon-Woo was concerned, trying to stifle his questions. The concern he felt had to be evident or he was that predictable for Joo-Haeng to let him know he would be there later in the day. The message soothed the anxiety in his chest. Then terror built. 'We are already too close, if simple thoughts of his wellbeing ease any feeling about him'. The afternoon came, lunch already passed when Yoo-Han came in holding a strange fan looking object.

"I got you something, sunshine. I wanted to ask you again, if you wanted me to teach you colors." Yoo-Han asked softly. Yeon-Woo looked at him in anger. The other two boys watching curiously.

"I have told you once, that should be enough. I do not need to learn colors. You should stay away from me. I already get angry and violent when I see you. For your safety, you should stop." Yeon-Woo hissed at him. He paid no attention to the small fan-like object, only wanting to get over the fact he was already getting attached to this boy.

"I told you too. You will never hurt me. You are confused and that is okay. I figured that before you agree we could do a trial period. I would work with you and help with the color rushes and after a week or so, then you can decided if you never want to do it again." Yoo-Han explained fanning out the device in his hand. "What better to use than a artist's palette. I picked it up just for you." Yoo-Han's eyes were scrunched up under his mask, leading Yeon-Woo to believe he was smiling under the mask.

"No. Thank. You." Yeon-Woo turned to face the front pulling out headphones for the rest of the break. Yoo-Han stared at the back of his head for the rest of the day, scheming up ways to get his mono to agree. Yoo-Han had originally wanted to do this for the selfish reason to see Yeon-Woo's face but the longer he stayed near and the more he got to know Yeon-Woo, Yoo-Han realized he wanted and needed to spend time with this boy. There were soulmates for a reason, who was he to ignore such a destiny.

The rest of the day passed in a monotony of classes and homework. Until their last break, Yeon-Woo seeing no one was around sat down and spread out the palette. He thumbed through it, sighing in defeat. There was no real way to differentiate between the colors, leading to a large amount of confusion. Just as he was going to shut it, he felt familiar heat along his back. Panic made him lurch from his seat, trying to avoid more contact with the idol in training.

"You do want to see. Then let me show you." Yoo-Han bent over his shoulder and starting with the the read shades began listing the different colors. When Yeon-Woo tried to escape again, Yoo-Hann pulled down his mask, the desire to see his face in a color rush overtaking him.

Yeon-Woo blinked up at him, angry and confused. "I told you to not do that. What happens when you stop showing me your face and then I decide to kill you? I am a mono. We are destined to be alone. We are violent angry deprived people. I won't let your presence make me into something I have spent so long trying to avoid." He sat up and ignored Yoo-Han's calls.

"Yeon-Woo, you are pretty even when you are angry." The voice echoes through the empty halls, laughter on the edge of his tone. Yeon-Woo didn't answer him but a quick glance showed Yoo-Han fanning himself with the art palette.

The next couple of weeks showed the same trend. Yoo-Han would entice Yeon-Woo into a color lesson or color rush. The had one in the science lab, after Yeon-Woo flinched heavily at the blood prank. Yoo-Han believing it to be a simple yet distasteful prank, and Yeon-Woo seeing it as a live projection of the nightmares that had been riddling his sleep lately. Yoo-Han slipped his hand down, lacing his fingers with Yeon-Woos trembling ones. In that second, Yoo-Han realized Yeon-Woo's concerns for his safety weren't empty words to create distance but a real issue that tormented him. The color lesson was finished early, Yoo-Han ending it in a fit of jealousy over a rainbow. A rainbow he made to show Yeon-Woo, so he could see his face during a color rush and after as he saw the colors that evaded him day in and day out. Yoo-Han was entranced every time he saw Yeon-Woo experience colors, his eyes wide and mouth gaping. He looked so pretty. 'You'll never be alone again. I promise.' Yoo-Han swore to himself.

He clicked off the flashlight, determining the lesson to be over. Yeon-Woo shoved him into a cupboard practically spitting in anger. Yoo-Han decided then and there he would make their next lesson the last, he would show him that some time color didn't make anything better. Two days later had Yoo-Han waiting for Yeon-Woo to pick up his phone, waiting to invite him to the roof he planned for the next lesson.

Yeon-Woo seemed unable to focus on the view, more concerned with the color of Yoo-Han's hoodie. He trailed his fingers over the zipper, rubbing the fabric lightly. "I know that I shouldn't want to but I want to see colors. I want to see them. I need to see them, some days it is like a physical ache." Yeon-Woo sniffed slightly. Yoo-Han wanted to pull away, comfort this boy that had started to mean more than anything else. "The life of a mono is a lonely one." Yeon-Woo recited. Yoo-Han was confused but before he could say anything, Yeon-Woo sat up. "You were right. This view is lonely. I don't like it." Yeon-Woo turned away.

"I knew you wouldn't. I needed to show you that sometimes colors don't bring all the good emotions and words like you think that do." Yoo-Han tried to explain.

"I know. Yellow is supposed to be happy but all I know it as it sadness. My mom was trying to explain yellow to me the day she disappeared. I also know that one day, if we keep going like this, my desire for color will be the reason for you getting hurt. I am a mono, destined for a lonely life. You are Yoo-Han, you are destined for greatness. I don't want to change that by being selfish. I should want to share your greatness with the world, right?" Yeon-Woo asked. He didn't seem to be looking for an answer.

"Then I will have to make sure that I am always there to show you my face. If I am always with you then there will be no violence." Yoo-Han answered like it was easy. "Yeon-Woo, I won't let you be alone anymore. You want to be shown colors? I want to show you colors. So why don't we? Unless you want to stop."

"Yoo-Han! Who said I wanted to stop? If you are okay with this, maybe we can try it." Yeon-Woo seemed hesitant still, worried.

"We can only try. Come on, lets get you settled into bed. I can walk myself home." Yoo-Han sipped his mask back on, helping Yeon-Woo to his feet. They headed back in silence, Yoo-Han trying to think of a plan as a surprise for his mono. When he got his mono home, he bid him goodbye with a small press of his masked lips against his cheek. Yoo-Han on the bus ride home, bought tickets for next week at an art exhibit, the use of lights and media to make the rooms into art, seemed right up their alley.

Yeon-Woo and Yoo-Han grew closer over the next few days, like somehow the rooftop discussion opened the doors. They ate together, talked together more, studied together. Yoo-Han wanted to ask where Yeon-Woo's aunt was or what was covered up in the corner but refrained. They were enjoying their closeness, mono and probe, safe together. Then one day, the rain seemed to have a direct correlation to Yeon-Woo's mood. They were standing near each other, hands interlocked when out of nowhere Yeon-Woo tried to bolt. Yoo-Han was glad for the mask to hide his hurt, it had been several days since the last attempt at separation, he had been hoping they were getting over it.

"Yeon-Woo, What is your problem?" Yoo-Han wanted to reach out and comfort his mono. Yeon-Woo looked panicked, eyes wide, breaths heavy. 'Yeon-Woo, it is only me. You can tell me." Yoo-Han tried to soothe his...Yeon-Woo.

"I am sorry. I just...I realized..."Yeon-Woo trailed off, eyes flicking around.

"Realized what, sweetheart? You have me worried. Let me help you." Yoo-Han took a few steps closer, grabbing Yeon-Woo's arm.

"I realized that I want to keep you forever. I don't want to let you go." Yeon-Woo finally looked at Yoo-Han, with fear and terror in his eyes.

"Oh, my darling. That is all I have ever wanted to hear you say. I want to keep you forever too." Yoo-Han placed a slim hand on his cheek. "You don't have to let me go if you don't want to. I will be here as long as you want me to." Yoo-Han pulled him into a hug, squeezing tight. "Thank you for telling me. I am so happy. I don't want to let you go either. We'll be together forever. I promise."

They stood hugging under the awning of the school. Yoo-Han trying and failing to stop his heart from breaking when he felt his soulmate's shoulders shaking. He felt an anger unlike any he felt before at the world for telling this sweet soft boy he was unworthy of affection. Yoo-Han was all the more thrilled that tomorrow was their date for the art show. It seemed that after the emotional turmoil of the day, they would need it.

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #color rush #yoo han x yeon woo #protective yoo-han #soft yoo-han #yeon-woo deserves nice things #yoo-han is a nice thing #yeon-woo x yoo-han