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brandstifter-sys · 4 months

Text

Birthday Spider

Word count: 1123 (Ao3)

Rating: T

Pairing: Dukexiety

Warnings: explosions, sex mention, blood mention, cartoon physics

Virgil wakes up to a surprise on his birthday. Of course it's a Remus-style surprise, so things get a little crazy.

---

Virgil knew it was suspicious that he had gone to bed alone the night before. His over exuberant boytoy was always begging to snuggle all night—possibly naked. But Remus hadn't even suggested it. In fact, it was so suspicious that Virgil really should have seen this coming.

He was roused from his sleep by an unpleasant smell. It took a minute of burying his face in his pillow for everything to click.

He jolted up and threw himself to his feet.

Something was burning!

He had a fire extinguisher on his wall. If he found the source he could—

All of his thoughts went out of his mind when he saw the giant purple cake with black spider web decorations. It was beautiful, uneven and sharp, but it was too big, even for him—and he could eat more than everyone else combined!

And then a familiar set of notes played from the cake. Virgil knew that particular beat all too well.

Oh no

He inched back and sat down. It was probably the best way he could stay safe. He knew something was coming.

BANG

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and held up his arms to shield himself from the sugary debris.

The top half of the cake exploded, revealing the source of the burning smell.

“It’s your birthday so I know you want to ri-i-ide out!” Remus sang as the smoke cleared.

Virgil coughed and glared at the shameless imp. He was standing proudly in the middle of the red cake in burnt tatters of his clothes. They were so thoroughly destroyed that he could see the upside down purple heart pasties covering his nipples.

Worse yet, he was beaming with wide, manic eyes and the ends of his mustache were on fire, like fucking candles. To top off Remus' exaggerated look, he was covered in smears of ash and frosting.

“Dude!” Virgil snapped and waved his hand to stop the music.

“Happy birthday!” Remus cheered and threw his arms out in a dramatically showy gesture.

“What the fuck?!”

“I'm celebrating your birthday! And I'm your sexy present to use however you want!” Remus jeered and brought his hand to his chest. He fluttered his lashes and blew a kiss.

“You're on fire,” Virgil deadpanned.

Remus giggled and licked his fingers. He pinched the ends of his mustache and wiggled his shoulders.

“How do you expect me to not catch fire when you're so hot?” Remus jeered.

Virgil sighed and rubbed his temples. He was going to get a headache from this flirt’s antics. He was already going to have to clean up the mess.

“Remus, how did you get inside the cake?”

“Well I baked it around myself of course! And then I used my special talents to decorate it!” Remus laughed.

“That's why you're covered in ashes and your clothes are burnt.”

“You would have torn them to shreds anyway!” Remus giggled, “We both know how much of an animal you can be!”

“Did your pants burn up?”

“Yes, yes they did!”

“Fix that,” Virgil said and ran his hand through his hair, only mildly pissed off that there was frosting in his mane.

“Aw! But I'm ready for you to use and abuse with your massive—”

“Remus, what's the point of a present if I can't unwrap it?” he cut the duke off. He knew Remus could see through his excuse, but he could hope Remus was intrigued by the prospect.

“Kinky!” Remus jeered and wiggled his eyebrows. He at least waved his hand and conjured something to cover his special duchy.

The absurdity of the situation finally caught up with Virgil once he knew that Remus was covered. He was still covered in cake splatter, and his ridiculous boytoy was posing inside the destroyed cake like some kind of pin up. Everything was a mess and Remus looked ridiculous. Virgil was torn between laughing and crying.

While he let his emotions settle, Virgil decided that he really did not want cake all over his face. He lifted the bottom of his shirt and wiped away the mess, knowing full well that there would be more mess to come.

AWOOGA

Virgil paused his clean up and glanced at Remus, just in time to see his head return to its normal shape from a train whistle. The little shit’s eyes bugged out of his skull and his tongue hung out of his mouth like a cartoon character.

“Seriously? You can't even see that much skin, you dork!” Virgil scoffed and realized that he would have to change his shirt. With a sigh he reluctantly pulled his tee over his head.

This time he expected the small explosion. Remus was hovering in the air, running in place and leering at him.

Virgil accepted his fate the second he tossed his shirt aside. Remus zoomed into his lap and immediately ran his hands all over Virgil’s exposed torso. Little purple and green hearts seemed to bubble up from his shoulders.

“Jeez!”

“I am a simple man! I see my boyfriend's tiddies and I have to touch!” Remus jeered and smiled up at him, “Especially if it makes his birthday better!”

Virgil couldn't help himself when he met Remus' gaze. The little Looney Toon was so excited and cute, covered in the cake he made. Of course Virgil had to lick up some of the frosting on his cheek.

Remus immediately turned red, like a curtain had been drawn from his feet to his head. Virgil chuckled as he went rigid and steam shot from his ears.

And then he relaxed and clung to Virgil with hearts in his eyes and little gargoyle cupids circling his head.

“Buttercream?” Virgil asked with a bemused smirk. Remus nodded and grinned like a dopey puppy.

“Not bad. But it needs something else,” Virgil teased and ran his tongue over the same cheek, picking up frosting, cake, and ash. Remus absolutely melted, at least his bones did.

“Much better. Red velvet?”

“Mhm, with extra fresh blood!” Remus responded in a daze.

“Must be your blood,” Virge mused and cleaned up his entire room with a wave of his hand. He cleaned himself and the duke and got Remus in some pajama pants.

“How did you know?” Remus giggled as Virgil scooped him up.

“It's sweeter than usual,” Virgil said and dragged Remus under the covers. He curled up around the flustered duke and kissed his forehead.

“Since you're my present, you get teddy bear duty for now,” Virgil hummed and relaxed his head on the pillow. Remus immediately rolled over and clung to him. He could use a nap with his Scare Bear, and any fun stuff could wait, as long as Virgil was happy and his.

#virgil sanders #remus sanders #dukexiety #sanders sides #sex mention tw #explosion mention tw #food mention tw #blood mention tw #cartoon physics #sandyscribed #yes it's late but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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brandstifter-sys · 10 months

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Coach

For @dukexietyweek Day 8: Kids (Ao3) (login required)

Word Count: 1786

Rating: T

Characters: Virgil, Remus, Roman, Andy (TS Shorts Anxiety), OCs, Pattong (mentioned)

Warnings: mentions of toxic parents, death mention, sex mention

Virgil is one of the best coaches the local Little League has, and the kids love him. And so does one of their older brothers. And why wouldn’t Remus adore the one person more than willing to help him with Roman after losing their parents?

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"Alright, bring it in!" Virgil shouted to his team. It was almost time for the first game of the season and he wanted to make sure his kids were ready.

About a dozen kids flocked to his dugout from the field, ready for the first huddle of the season. He was already proud of these kids, all between 10 and 11 years old. They had spirit and they trusted him to keep the team in line and in good spirits.

"Great warm up out there. Now we're fielding first. Andy, you think you can pitch this inning?" Virgil said and eyed his cousin.

"No."

"Alright, do you want to pitch at all for this game?"

"No."

"Okay. So you, Mike, and Damian won't go on the mound. That makes this easier. Davis, you're pitching first. Mike, left. Abdul, center. Wayne, right. Carlos, first. Andy, second. Roman, shortstop. Demitri, third. Toshio, catcher—Coach Pat will help you suit up. Damian, Benny, you're on the bench for now."

"I don't want to be left field!" Mike complained. He was the difficult one. He wanted to be the star. The hero.

"Everyone is going to be in every position at least three times. It's important to know how to play in different positions so you know what to expect from your team."

"But we won't win if I'm in the outfield!"

"That's not true, and we don't have to win. Little League is more like training. We're here to play, to learn how to be a team," Virgil said calmly, "it's no fun if you only care about winning."

"My dad is gonna be mad."

"If we don't win, I'll talk to him. And that goes for all of you, if you're scared that your parents will be mad, I'll talk to them. Now, who's ready to play ball?"

The kids cheered, bringing a smile to his face.

"Hands in, on three," he said and held his hand out, palm down. The kids slapped their own hands in with his and counted with him, except for Damian. He was keeping his distance.

"One! Two! Three! Jumpers!"

Virgil smiled at the kids who ran onto the field. Or to the bat box in Toshio's case. Then he eyed Damian and Benny.

"Benny, there's some granola bars and apple slices in this backpack , take it slow so you don't get an upset stomach. And I won't send you out there until you're less dizzy," he said and crouched by the bench to get something out of his bag. It was an oral thermometer. He stepped out of the dugout and approached Damian.

"Stick this under your tongue and have a seat," he told Damian, "I know you want to be out there, or at least watching, but I have to send you home if you have a fever or if you throw up."

"But I wanna be here for my friends," Damian pouted and stuck the thermometer under his tongue without sitting down on the grass or the nearest bench.

"You've got the spirit, Champ. And I don't want to discourage that. I also don't want you to get sicker by being out here. Sometimes the best way to support your team is to take care of yourself."

The thermometer beeped. Virgil slipped it out of the boy's mouth and read it. 103°F.

"Is your mom here?"

Damian nodded.

"You need to go home and rest. You have a high fever," Virgil told him, "I'll make sure you get to her."

Damian was unhappy as he and Virgil headed for the bleachers. The poor kid was such a great team player, he felt bad that he couldn't stay.

The bleachers were intimidating, full of rambunctious family members. Virgil didn't like having to go near them if he could help it. He was glad to see Damian's mother on the lowest bench, chatting with Roman's brother, Remus, a wily man with a mustache, about her hair routine. She always had a way of making her tight coils look incredible.

"Momma," Damian said softly, getting her attention.

"What's wrong, Baby?"

"Coach Virgil said I need to go home," Damian said and pouted, on the verge of tears. His mother turned her gaze on him, ready to fight him for making her baby cry.

"He has a temperature," Virgil admitted and held up the thermometer, "I know he wants to stay for the team, but I can't let him stay like this."

"I want to stay!" Damian sobbed. Virgil knelt by him and rubbed his back.

"You gotta take care of yourself, Champ, even if it makes you a little sad. There'll be other games and we'll be happy to have you feeling better on the field."

Damian nodded and dried his eyes. Virgil offered him an understanding smile and got up.

"Thank you, Virgil. I'm sorry for the mess."

"There's no mess, don't worry. It's great to have someone this dedicated on the team," Virgil said shyly, "But I'll let you get going. Drive safe."

After a quick goodbye, Virgil went back to the dugout to douse his hands in hand sanitizer and to make sure Benny wasn't shaking anymore. He didn't realize that someone was watching him like a hawk from the bleachers.

"Look alive out there!" he called to the outfielders as the next batter came up. He knew the kid, Phil, was actually really good at hitting the ball.

"Thanks, coach," Benny said when Virgil sat down next to him.

"I can't let anyone on my team go hungry," Virgil said and grabbed his clipboard, "Which is why I want you to put this in your bat bag and give it to your mom." He pulled an envelope from the clipboard and handed it to the kid.

"What is it?"

"A gift card for the grocery store. Let's keep it a secret between us," he said and started writing things down. Benny hugged him and hurried to hide his present.

Virgil smiled to himself and watched the game. These kids made the extra work worthwhile.

The game itself was pretty standard without too many incidents. Virgil was so glad he didn't have to fight with angry parents over the ump's calls. Even if they didn't win, his team played well.

"You guys did great out there today," Virgil said in the team's last huddle, "You're really coming together as a team and I'm proud of all of you. Now go get some rest and relax, you earned it. I'll see you on Tuesday for practice."

He broke the huddle and his team scattered, except for Andy and Roman.

"Hey, Squirt, can you get the bases and bring them to Coach Pat?" Virgil asked and started packing up. Andy rolled his eyes and trudged onto the field.

"What can I do, Coach Virgil?" Roman asked brightly.

"You don't have to do anything, I know your brother is here and probably wants to go home."

"He says he needs to talk to you," Roman pouted, "And he doesn't shut up. I don't wanna be bored."

Virgil's eyebrows rose slightly. Remus needed to talk to him? What could that feral babe need from him? Roman seemed to love being on his team and he was doing good. It wasn't like he had any reason to need to talk with a boring baseball coach. He could understand Remus might want to talk to him, they were best friends and they acted like boyfriends, and they spent a lot of time watching Roman. But need set off alarm bells.

"You can check the field for any balls. You don't have to go far, or you can see if Coach Pat wants help," Virgil said, "I'll try to make this quick."

Roman beamed at him and ran off to help. Virgil took a moment to finish packing and lean against the fence to calm his nerves. Remus probably wasn't going to yell at him for anything. He was probably just going to talk about Roman. It would be fine.

"Hey there, Coach" an imp purred by his ear, "wanna show me your bat and balls?"

Virgil yelped and spun around. Remus was leaning forward, holding the fence and arching his back coyly. He was grinning and taunting Virgil with his sparkling eyes.

"Jeez, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Virgil huffed and tried not to stare. Remus looked good in his low rise jeans, neon green shredded crop-top, and spiked leather jacket.

"Nope!" Remus giggled, "You're just so cute when you're startled!"

"Ro said you need to talk to me?"

"Yeah! Are you busy tonight?"

"Why?" Virgil asked and picked up Andy's bat bag and his own.

"Do you want to get dinner and watch old horror movies at my place? Roman is sleeping over with Phil and it won't smell like formaldehyde or anything!" Remus grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. If he weren't an embalmer, Virgil would have questions for Remus.

"Depends. Is there more to it than cuddles?"

"Only if you're my boyfriend," Remus hummed, "Because I was planning on asking you anyway."

Virgil blushed and rubbed his neck.

"If you're sure."

"Yeah! Do you want to make things official?" Remus asked with a little shimmy.

"We don't have to kiss, do we?"

"Only if you want to!"

Virgil stepped out of the dugout and coaxed Remus away from the fence. The little imp was grinning and bouncing on his heels. He was so cute. Virgil couldn't resist kissing his forehead.

"I'll stop by after work and I'll bring Chinese food," he said with a smirk.

"Tease!" Remus huffed and grabbed his shirt. He dragged Virgil into a surprisingly chaste smooch.

"Gross!" Andy complained as he and Roman trudged over to them, both eager to leave.

"It could be grosser!" Remus teased, "I could accidentally sneeze on him too!"

"That's way grosser," Virgil agreed and rolled his eyes.

"Can we go home now?" Roman asked, glancing between the pair.

"Sure! Don't want to stop and say hi to mom and dad?" Remus asked. Roman shook his head. He didn't want to go to the cemetery. He wanted to shower and then spend the night with Phil and play video games. Remus was more than okay with that.

"Alright, then let's go!"

"See you tonight," Virgil said as Remus left with Roman. Then he turned his attention to Andy, who was picking up the backpack.

"Ready, Squirt?"

"Yeah. Are you and Remus dating?"

"We are now."

"Mom owes me 10 bucks. she said you wouldn't get together before I turn 11," Andy said mostly to himself. Virgil sighed and shook his head. He would have to have a talk with his aunt later.

#dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides #roman sanders #andy sanders #dukexietyweek2023 #day 8 #death mention tw #sex mention tw

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