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creatingnikki · 2 years

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What I've learned in 2021

1. Life is filled with its little miseries. Petites misères de la vie humaine. This is something Vincent van Gogh mentioned several times to his brother in his letters. Whenever he spoke of something unpleasant, he just mentioned it so casually. Oh, well, these are just the little miseries of life. That acceptance of this universal fact is something that struck me. And whenever I was going through something terrible but routine, I just told myself: It is what it is. Less poetic and less French but it had the same impact.

2. Just like space exploration and AI are the investment themes for this decade, ghosting people is the behavioural theme in friendships and relationships now. People will get rid of you as quickly as they do a strand of loose hair on their t-shirt when just a few minutes ago they couldn’t stop adorning their hair when it was still intact. I wish I could articulate this analogy better but what I mean is, everybody treats their hair so preciously until it falls off and is this isolated, embarrassing, useless strand. Not that you are. But people have started treating people like this. When you no longer fit their life or schedule or disposition as perfectly as you used to or as they would have liked, they forget you are this whole human being and just shrug you off. Dispose you. It sucks and it hurts and it’s unfair on so many different levels but with a heavy heart, I have to now admit and accept, that this is just another petites misères de la vie humaine.

3. I keep giving five-star treatment to people who give me two-star treatment and I need to stop rationalising that - both their and my behaviour - into okayness. Yes, there clearly is something so deep rooted in me that makes me do this. Maybe it is a trauma response. Maybe it’s just me accepting the love I think I deserve. Maybe it is me being a people pleaser. I don’t know. And at this point what I really want to do is this: Change it. I can keep figuring out the cause in the background. Clarity like that takes time. But I cannot wait to figure that out to change this behaviour.

4. You are not cool with just vibing with a guy and with keeping things casual. You want something that is undeniably real, wholesome, real, mutual. Something that is long-lasting and healthy and precious and there is nothing wrong about wanting that. Nothing at all. And if that makes you “uncool” then that is fine. Who wants to be cool when they can be happy, satisfied, instead?

5. Therapy is not all that it is hyped up to be. It’s very subjective. When you want to heal from past trauma, I can see why it can be helpful and effective. But when you are going through horrible things in the present, it can do absolutely nothing other than give you some coping mechanisms that may or may not work when shit hits the fan. Also, therapy is not this magical thing that will “fix you” or your therapist won’t always say these wise things that will be revelations. It is a lot of work and voicing things you have never been able to and sitting through uncomfortable feelings and moments. Coming across the right therapist, too, is a task. Just because someone is a psychologist or whatever does not mean they are good. You have to tread carefully.

6. Pretty privilege is a very real thing. You not liking that that’s how the world works doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make things any easier for you either. You rejected conventions and societal standards so consistently for so long and while I am proud of you, I also now see that to change what you don’t like or accept, you need to have the power to be seen and noticed and heard. Money, beauty, charm, these are very central to that in this world. It is what is. Get your pretty privilege back.

7. 한국어를 배우는 것은 긴 여정있어요. 하지만 열심히 공부할 거예요. 그리고 나는 인내하고 헌신할 거예요. 왜나면 이게 내가 원하는 거니까 // Learning Korean is a long journey. But I am going to study hard. And I am going to be patient and dedicated. Because this is what I want.

8. Stop being the first one to present your feelings. It does not afford you the first mover advantage but rather leaves no tricks up your sleeve. And god knows people love magic tricks. Even sincere things require calculations. Not because you are being manipulative or vain but because you need to let time allow things to run their course. And add some speed bumps to the runway of your feelings.

9. It’s only this year that I realized that your sun sign gives you a very limited and inaccurate view of your personality when viewed in isolation. It’s like looking at the rainbow but only seeing one colour. So I found out my rising sign and my moon sign and life just started making more sense instantly. My rising sign is aquarius. The one sign I always resonated so much with. My sun sign is Capricorn. Parts of which I related to but the others just seemed so inaccurate? I know a lot of people think astrology is illogical but I think that’s just because they don’t know the first thing about it. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be into it. But I am. Getting into it anyway. And I am not going to let you embarrass me about it.

10. It can do you a world of good if you pay attention to the insanely rich and successful men even if you don’t like them. Reading about how they built what they built, what their investment strategy is, what their take on the future of XYZ is, is more enlightening than you may want to give them credit for. But think of Park Sae Ro-Yi from Itaewon Class. He read, multiple times, the biography of CEO Jangaa, the man who covered up his father’s death. Sae Ro-yi did that while he was put into jail wrongfully. But he was clever. He picked up that book and he learned everything he could from it. And then he applied it with his personal values to get the results he wanted.

11. Don’t overestimate people’s feelings for you. That is dangerous. You may think someone actually cares about you because you picked up on some things they say about you or to you but the truth is words are cheap. And even actions are subjective. Someone may do X for every person and not just for someone they actually like. Don’t inflate other people’s feelings, actions, words towards you in your head.

12. Time most probably is an illusion. This feeling of not grasping how much time has gone by, how it’s already a specific month, how I am already this old - it is not fleeting. I think it’s just going to stay this way moving forward. This lowkey amusement and disbelief and inability to wrap my head around the passage of time and the speed at which it passes by me, through me, and sometimes with me. So carpe fucking diem. But not to do stupid things. To do whatever it is that you really want. There is no point to anything, anyway. You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out what’s the purpose of life and why we are put on this earth but you already know that just means more time passes by and you’re left in a stew of your stale thoughts. Step out. Take a shower. Go for a walk even if there is microdust. Put on music. Get your favourite coffee. Do artsy stuff. Be art. Be.

13. You love iced coffee. Irrespective of the weather. It's okay. Continue.

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writinghurricanes · 4 years

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Not every joke you tell will be funny. Not every word you say will be listened to. Sometimes words will pour out of your mouth, unfiltered and messy, and you think and hope it will make sense to someone who is not even willing to understand. Not every declaration you hear will be sincere. Not every love you feel will remain. Not every person that loves you means it. They will think they do, they will believe you’re some unmet before presence in their life that is gonna make them better, and you’ll let them. You’ll let them think they love you. But deep down, when some will call you art, you’ll know you’re just a bucket of paint spilled on a blank canvas. Not every work of yours will be something to be proud of. Not every place you go to will make you want to never have to leave. Not every expectation you have will be met. And have you not learned, love, that expectations are just another form of self harm? You will have days when the only thing you can do is exist, and even that will be excruciating. You will have days when you will be annoying, unkind to yourself and to others, mean and irritating. But that is not the death sentence that you were led to believe. That is not reason enough to turn in your bed at night, wondering what is wrong with you. You will have maybe even weeks where you cannot find it in you to love yourself. But knowing yourself and loving yourself is not the paradox you think it is. You know not everyone is perfect, it’s the tale as old as time, but you still expect yourself to be. And maybe that’s in fact your only flaw.

Friendly Reminder

by Lorelei

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thel0stminded · 3 years

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There was once this connection.

Very real, scary, and infinite.

When nothing feels right, nothing feels wrong.

Darkness doesn’t fade, and the light always shines.

It’s in these moments — we find ourselves.

Somewhere in the middle.

- Hassan S. Abdillahi, Letters to Elizabeth

#thel0stminded #prose #writing #books #music #me #wnq writers #wnq poetry #wnq anonymous #shareaquote #black lives matter #black excellence #black writers #love #loss #depression #anxienty #l4l

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autumnsunshine10 · 5 years

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We do not have to talk every day or even at regular intervals for me to hold you dear and near to my heart. Once special to me, you always will be...unless you have treated me so rottenly I have had to perform surgery to excise you from my life, like taking scissors to trim a best-forgotten figure from pictures.

But time and distance? Ha, they are nowhere near strong enough to erase anyone's place in my book of love.

Mis(s)placed

#spilled thoughts #spilled ink #13cupsofteareblogs #twcpoetry #poetryportal #writingthestorm #smittenbypoetry #writerscreed #wnq writers #books and libraries #love quotes #shareaquote #quotes and sayings #infj #infj thoughts #infj things #wordsnquotes #from the heart #autumnsunshine10

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dolores-hazy · 5 years

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There you go again

Setting yourself up

To flame out spectacularly

To repeat the past

Like you forgot how the story

Goes, the avoidable tragedy

You, cast in the hero role

Suffering valiantly

Time to play it all over

Saying everything is different

You know you are no different

Repetitive crash course

The wrong skills retained

You must have come to crave

The taste of smoke and ash

Crash & Burn

#wnq writers #poetryportal #twcpoetry #writerscreed #poetwhispers #13cupsofteareblogs #brokensoulsreborn #poets of tumblr #tumblr poetry #books and libraries #spilled ink #spilled poetry #smittenbypoetry #wordsnquotes #shareaquote #poetry is not dead #writers on tumblr #poetry corner #creative writing

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jmsapphire · 5 years

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I wish I could taste the kiss on my own lips and tell my self how good I am at it. Loving oneself is just as challenging as loving.

- far, but getting there

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sstehreer · 3 years

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More Love Quotes at S. S. Tehreer

Rumi is an inspiration of divine love we should all strive for.

- S. S. Tehreer

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the-starkest-madness · 5 years

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If you want your words to mean anything, then don’t misuse and abuse them. Words like love, promise, and sorry could be strong words, but are too often rendered hollow and dead in the mouths of the careless and the manipulative.

#quote #spilled thoughts #words n quotes #wnq writers #13cupsofteareblog #brokensoulsreborn #poetryportal #twcpoetry #writerscreed #poetwhispers #shareaquote #savage words #lessons from my past #poet #tw: manipulation mention #tw: abuse mention #spilled truth

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mortalghost · 5 years

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For You

Maybe you're the one that will awaken me.

My soul has been dormant for too long,

Yearning for the burning flame of passion,

You inspire, as the world falls to the wayside.

Awaken me with promises whispered.

Lay kisses gently upon my lips.

May your touch leave upon my body

All the promises of moments to come.

I await.

Trust in you, as sordid whispers fill

Your mind of an eternity that will

Find us trying to find that perfection

We may never achieve. May we laugh

Together as we explore, sigh as we melt,

Breathe as we touch, rest as we reach

Our peak and become one.

I pray.

One day we may achieve all of our dreams.

There certainly are many to aspire.

Right now, I wish for nothing more than

You.

Beside me.

I don't want what's in the movies,

Nor in the books. I want the reality

That is you.

-H. Murcia 2:23PM 2/14/2019

I appreciate all you say and do. Thank you for being so kind and patient. HuG my @autumnsunshine10 love you.

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wnq-writers · 6 years

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inconsistency is poison. i distance myself from the “here today, gone tomorrow” kinda people. my energy is not at your disposal.

iambrillyant | @wnq-writers

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creatingnikki · 3 years

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What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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autumnsunshine10 · 5 years

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When you are blessed to not only come across but grow close to someone with a heart of gold, a quicksilver, considerate mind, and a soul so bright it gives off its own light, never take them for granted and let them know how they enhance the world just by being in it.

Blessed Beyond Belief

#spilled thoughts #writerscreed #twcpoetry #blessings #wnq writers #brokensoulsreborn #poetryportal #13cupsofteareblogs #love quotes #books and libraries #shareaquote #spilled ink #excerpt from a book i'll never write #tumblr quotes #wordsnquotes #i love you #spilled quotes #from the heart #autumnsunshine10

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dolores-hazy · 5 years

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Your idea of a good time and mine can differ wildly and we can both be right, you know, there's no need to insult the other's preference as long as it's harming no one. What works for one won't work for all since we have different tastes, backgrounds, personalities. Find your good time crew and kick it with them instead of tearing down someone else for how they get their kicks.