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Pikachu: “I know what’s happening. I’m finally hydrated, and it’s unlocking my brain’s full potential. It’s too much for me. I’m ‘Limitless’-ing.”

Tim: “I don’t think water makes you jittery.”

Pablo: “It does if it’s laced with caffeine.”

Pikachu: “You dosed my water?”

Pablo: “You just drank 960 cups of coffee.”

Pikachu: “Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter.” [gasp] “Me having stirk?”

Pablo, laughing: “Good luck solving that case!”

Pikachu: [takes another sip]

Tim: “Why would you drink more?!”

Pikachu: “My brain wants its fast juice!”

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Julian: Two bottles of vodka. Is this gonna be the weekend we finally meet six-drink Alison?

Alison: Six-drink Alison? What does that mean?

Julian: It’s the pinnacle of the Cooper drunkenness scale. One drink, Alison’s a little spacey. Two drinks: Loud Alison. Three drinks: Alison dance pants. Four-drink Alison is a bit of a pervert. And five-drink Alison is weirdly confident. But I’ve never seen six-drink Alison.

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Gryffindor: What’s up with your hands?

Hufflepuff: I touched poison oak. Madam Pomfrey says I have to keep my hands bandaged for a week so I don’t scratch them.

Gryffindor: How did it happen?

Hufflepuff: I had a badass fight and used the poison for my advantage.

Gryffindor: Okay, now the truth.

Hufflepuff: I was on a hike at the forest and I went off trail to pick a little flower.

Gryffindor: There it is.

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