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josiebelladonna · 5 years

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Don’t be aroused by my confession, but I think it’s time to announce it, and I have to write it out in full in order to give it context.

Yesterday, I delved through my earliest memories as a child, going all the way back to my first obsession which was Cartoon Cartoon Fridays, and I guess you could say I’ve always been a fanfic writer, even though it was always mental or I verbalized some lines or whatever, but it was fanfic and it allowed me to explore my mind. I couldn’t leave the trailer park, but I could insert myself into Townsville, Dexter’s Lab, Peach Creek, the Middle of Nowhere, Springfield, or (in several instances) Hogwarts, or I could hang out with the Animorphs and the kids from Goosebumps; as I got older, I couldn’t leave my grandparents’ house but I could go to Narnia, Middle Earth, New Orleans, New York City, McNamara/Troy, Arlen, or Quahog (then I discovered rock n’ roll in 2005 and 2006 and all bets were off after that heh). Starting from the first day I realized I couldn’t leave the trailer park or that side of Carson City but I could imagine it.

I do have some external exposure: when I was in elementary school, my mother was a member of the NASCAR forums and she and two or three other woman collaborated on a few fics together; my aunt Christine (my middle namesake) has written some fics, and so has my grandma.

That said, I didn’t exactly “write” my first fanfic until I was 20 when I tried my hand at a grunge fanfic--I can’t for the life of me recall the premise (or the title), but I do remember it involved me, a couple of other girls, the Soundgarden guys, and the Pearl Jam guys in a coffee shop. Written in rotating protagonist fashion, it was nothing fancy and had a limited audience.

Granted, I had my Soundgarden and grunge fan art to tend to around this time, but in 2015 (or whenever I experienced my breakdown and then thought of my heroine of Rowena Patterson), the fic well experienced a drought. I believed there was no way I could belly up to a fandom and put my thoughts into words. I also had (still have) this nagging belief that everyone was a better writer than me. They said it better. They wrote it better. They had better ideas. They had the better characterization. It was all so much better than anything I could ever write down.

I discovered AO3 around this time--I don’t recall exactly how I found it, but I was rather intimidated by it at first, especially when those feelings of inferiority only worsened at the sight of all those beautiful, popular fics from these hundred thousand-odd authors.

Then, after we-don’t-ever-under-any-circumstances-speak-of-that-year-2017 and I give Rowena her adventure with Aunt Anesthesia, I dove head first into erotica with Rain, followed by my sci fi adventure in Blue Monday, and then lastly, my spooky nightmarish love letter to Metallica and J.K. Rowling, Night Owls. After shooting blanks with all of them, I was in a tight spot. I thought there was no way out, mainly because I had very little encouragement so to speak (it was all the same drivel that I’m adamant against, the “talented” and “awesome” comments, and the “do it for yourself” said in an almost condescending tone). It’s tiresome to be around that with my artwork enough as is: I had this belief that I really was a shit writer and I wasn’t cut out to be the next J.K. Rowling or Suzanne Collins. 25 looking at 26 years old and the only things I have to show are three under-the-table jobs, work in science labs and machine shops, my two year in general arts, a half-dead art shop, and hanging out with the guys from Soundgarden the last three years of Chris’ life? Yeah, that’ll sure fly with the heavy hitters... At the same time, I had this feeling that there had to be something more to this whole writing thing and those four aforementioned works mustn’t be in vain.

I had also been reading a lot of fanfics in between the time Blue Monday was marked finished on Wattpad and the time I wrote down the first words for Night Owls. A lot of grunge fanfics, most of which dated back to 2014... started to look kind of identical: Good girl goes to Seattle and meets hot band guy through dumb circumstances and light romantic things ensue including flirting, fighting, and having sex, or it was overly angsty slash. Moreover, it often involved the same guys. So when I started writing Night Owls, I began to think musical RPFs were defunct because the most recent one I found was over 2 years old and felt like a Xerox of the PJ fic There’s a Light (apparently people think they’re creepy? I don’t think they are, but that’s my take). On a side note, this is what bummed me out about the Eddie fic Cradle Broken Glass: it looked like a deviation from the crowd and then just... floundered. The author fell way behind schedule, too, like her updates are real sporadic now and it’s been sitting on a shelf unfinished since January.

And so the idea came to me like a flash of lightning, a rush of adrenaline, a voice in my head that said “write this! write this! you’ve got to write this! you’re going to go far with this! trust me!” I was watching SNL, too, so after Halsey’s monologue, I ran upstairs for my laptop real quick and just started writing from the seat of my pants. Originally titled “Run It, Mellow” as a play on the Danish “rummet mellem”, which means “the space between” referring to the space between Lars and Mia, or the empty space inside of Lars’ stomach, I changed it to “Have Your Cake and Eat It” after the idiom “you can’t have your cake and eat it, too”, referring to how you can’t have best of both worlds.

I put the first few chapters on Tumblr almost two months in the wake of the NSFW ban, which was (and still is) a huge risk because, in spite of the incompetence of the staff, you never know: they could realize their shoddy job of implementation, and totally go Fanfiction.net on everyone and stop sitting on their hands to enforce it. Thus, not even two days after I started the blog haveyourcakemetfic as a side to this account, I returned to AO3 after reading how it’s become a complete mecca for fanfics now because they allow anything and everything, thus I hit “sign up” and asked for an invite; five days later, I got the email and got right to it.

It’s definitely the oddball of the Metallica fandom, especially on AO3 where all 40 fics are slash, Lars is in the sub position, and they’re not remotely as long, nor do they cross over into the world of grunge. It took a while for it to be seen and read, and it wasn’t until I made use of AO3′s tagging system better when the numbers started doubling. Where I was lucky to get all of one person on Wattpad, I’m now garnering readers by the dozens. Every time I post a chapter now, the hit counter mushrooms and I get kudos (a couple of bookmarks, too!). I’m not even close to being done and I foresee the numbers soaring. Honestly? I feel like it’s going to come to a point where they’re going to start consuming chapters faster than I can write them.

My point is this was the motivation I needed. This is my incentive because I can’t just rely on myself, I need the help of a crowd even if it begins with all of ten people. This fic is now going to be the longest thing I have ever written because of AO3 and my own wandering mind; but the fact is I set a goal of 400-500,000 words just to say “well, I wrote four books. I should do something long just to say I wrote a million words in two years as a last hurrah to the writing world and then I’m just going to get a real job like what everyone wants me to do.”

I’m an artist with a background in mechanical engineering and the life sciences. I’ve had a hard life and my childhood was marred with darkness: I grew up in poverty, I moved around a lot, and I was bullied on an absurd level, and dealt with the throes of mental illness all around. And yet my current obsession with Lars and his cute Danish self, and Metallica, and my buried dark side is giving me the foothold I needed to prove to myself that I am also a writer among other things.

I’m nirvhannah, I’ve been writing the infamous Lars/grunge fic Have Your Cake and Eat It since February 9. I chose Alison Chains as my pen name as a play on Alice in Chains and as an homage to the Elvis Costello song Alison, which was almost my namesake until my parents decided on Hannah. I’ve been treating it as a separate identity because I wish to befriend myself along the way. But it’s all me. It’s all my writing. My fingerprints are all over that bad boy. It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written: as of this evening, standing at nearly 159,000 words while not even close to being finished (I broke my own personal record of 146,000 words set by Night Owls on the 13th, meaning it’s the longest thing I’ve written while still 25 years old). It’s also the lewdest thing I’ve written: since I was at my wit’s end upon writing, I thought “sometimes you just gotta say ‘fuck it’ and go nuts” and so far, this fic is making my first erotic novel Rain look like kindergarten. I love the fact AO3 allows pretty much anything, in particular erotica, because, even though it’s available right here on Tumblr, I guarantee if I posted this anywhere else, the moral watchdogs would shit their pants if they saw it because it is unspeakably NSFW. But I’m having the time of my life writing it, though: I love sitting down and writing about Lars and Mia. And my four legit fic books have helped me zero in on my writing skills so I can clock in 2000-3000 words a day (sometimes I go to 4000; yesterday I put out almost 6000). The best part? Believe me, this is the best part: whenever I write about her giving him food or touching his tummy, I get... kind of aroused, like I’m actually making myself randy by writing a scene like that.

If you wish to read it, here. And you can find some bonus info about the fic, like my motives and background (and my alter ego), here.

And thank you.❤️❤️

#ao3 #archive of our own #have your cake and eat it #tag din kage og spis den #lars ulrich #lia #grunge #crossover fanfic #fanfic #metallica fanfiction #metallica family #nirvhannah #alisonchains #writeblr #writers on tumblr #artists and writers #text

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josiebelladonna · 5 years

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(mini mood board - pink aesthetic)

“Not even several blows to the head should stop us.”

#have your cake and eat it #tag din kage og spis den #toma tu pastel y cometelo #moodboard #mini moodboard #pink aesthetic #giving it another shot bc i've been feeling like prometheus lately #💋 xoxo #my edit

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josiebelladonna · 5 years

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Since I’m nearing chapter 100 on AO3, it’s time for a little more forthgoing self-promotion. Here’s the link for your viewing pleasure. He’s also available on Wattpad Bizcocho de Pina Colada | Dulce de Leche | Pandekager (Wienerbrod is TBD)

And he’s right here on Tumblr! where you can read my motives and see the official playlist and whatnot xoxo

Fandoms: Metallica, The Grunge Scene, Nine Inch Nails Rating: Explicit Warnings: other than don’t read if you’re easily triggered Creator Chose Not to Archive Warnings Relationships: Lars Ulrich/Original Female Character, James Hetfield/Original Female Character, Kirk Hammett/Original Female Characters (eat your hearts out, slash writers), Kurt Cobain/Original Female Character, Trent Reznor/Original Female Character Genre: Erotica, erotic romance, het Full cast: Lars Ulrich, James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett, Jason Newsted, Dave Mustaine, Trent Reznor, Chris Cornell, Kim Thayil, Ben Shepherd, Matt Cameron, Hiro Yamamoto, Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, Chad Channing, Dale Crover, Andy Wood, Xana La Fuente, Jerry Cantrell, Layne Staley, Mark Lanegan, Cliff Burton (mentioned and is a minor plot device - Rob and Ron are even mentioned in almost throwaway lines), Stone Gossard, Jeff Ament, Bruce Fairweather, Greg Gilmore, Tracy Marander, Torben and Lone Ulrich, the girls from L7, the men of Skin Yard, stage hands, drivers, customers at Smell the Magic and Curl Up and Dye, patrons in restaurants, Mia, her dickhead husband and his parents, her parents, Marcia and Sonia and their mother, Ashley and Olivia Starr, Mia’s bosses Sandra and Danielle, passersby in Seattle, Portland, Astoria, the Oregon Coast, Ukiah, Eureka, San Francisco, Denver, El Paso, and arguably the whole country of Denmark Tags: they’re all listed on there!

#the song that closed denmark #have your cake and eat it #tag din kage og spis den #ao3 fanfic #ao3 #archive of our own #wattpad #metallica #metallica fanfiction #crossover #grunge fanfiction #nine inch nails fanfiction #text #stuff i'm doing

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josiebelladonna · 5 years

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You've got to hide me away, and I've got to find the hiding place. Please don't let me be seen, and don't let me be heard. We've got something more here, and it needs a place, somewhere far away.

You and I, we can do it together, we're survivors. You felt the cold earth, and I felt the cold metal. Don't worry, please: we can pull through it together.

Somewhere in there is the rope, and so tie me down. Somewhere in there is my heart, and so eat me alive.

You and I, we can do it together, we're survivors. You felt the cold earth, and I felt the cold metal. Don't worry, please: we can pull through it together. You wandered on the cold earth, and I caressed the cold metal. Don't worry, please: we can pull through it together.

The world is out there waiting; darling, all my kisses can hide, and my lonely heart can wait. Somewhere in there is the rope, and so tie me down. Somewhere in there is my heart, and so eat me alive.

“Cold Pepper” a poem based on Tag Din Kage og Spis Den (Have Your Cake and Eat It) (c) nirvhannah/H.C., 3/7/19

#poetry #cold pepper #have your cake and eat it #fanfic #metallica fanfiction #spilled ink #text

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josiebelladonna · 5 years

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Have Your Cake and Eat It (aka Lars and Mia’s infinite playlist)

Okay! so I’ve been playing close attention to this really good fic lately called “Tag Din Kage Og Spis Den” (or “Have Your Cake and Eat It” in Danish--originally titled “run it.. mellow” which is a play on the Danish “rummet mellem”, which means “the space between” or more broadly “the hole inside”), and it’s over on this blog (she also has an AO3 account under the name alisonchains). It’s basically about this young woman stuck in a toxic marriage and is having an affair with Lars Ulrich (she’s a baker and a hair stylist, but mostly a baker, and she basically seduces Lars with her food). It’s set right after Cliff was killed so Jason is with us, but we also see the grunge scene come into fruition, and you can see why I absolutely love this thing.

Given I listen to a lot of music (although I can tell you right now there aren’t a lot of songs out there about indulgence or eating lots of food or even seeing as food as love--like one that immediately came to mind is No Doubt’s Little Something Refreshing, but that didn’t even come out until 1992, but I digress), and the author’s not even remotely close to being finished, this’ll be updated regularly. If some of these are alien, don’t afraid to go out and listen! I also have a couple of sketches to go hand in hand with the canon, because I am an artist after all.

Trapped Under Ice - Metallica Add it Up - Violent Femmes Gigantic - the Pixies Beautiful Stranger - Madonna All For You - Motorhead Space Invader - the Pretenders Shove - L7 I Would Die 4 U - Prince Whole Lotta Rosie - AC/DC Physical (You’re So) - Adam and the Ants I Know What Boys Like - The Waitresses Mechanix - Megadeth The Birds - Skin Yard Touch Me - The Doors Honey Pie - The Beatles Close to Me - The Cure 10,000 Things - Green River With Yo’ Heart Not Yo’ Hands - Malfunkshun Squeeze Box - The Who

💜💜💜

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