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#tattooedechoespoems
tattooedechoes · 1 year
Text
Matthew
We were happy once.
.
.
There is a grainy haze
over all my memories of us,
blurring both our features.
I gave you everything,
I think you did too.
.
.
There was a time
where you were my sunlight,
where I put every little piece of you
into my memory for safekeeping.
So that I could love you
fully and completely
.
.
You loved me too.
I remember that.
The smiles,
the days
where the only thing
holding me together
was you.
.
.
You buried yourself in my soul.
Just as I did yours.
To where no matter how bad it got,
no matter how much we fought,
we stuck together.
Wrapped up so tightly in one another
that nothing could pull us apart.
.
.
For all those years
we consumed each other
without realising
all the damage we were doing.
Enough to leave us both
broken and bruised,
in desperate need of healing.
.
.
Do you feel it too?
The gap in your soul where I used to be?
Do you dream of me?
Like how I dream of you?
Living a lie where we never fell apart,
where we are happy,
as I laugh at one of your jokes.
.
.
I keep hearing songs
laced with lyrics
where I think of you.
About how things didn’t go
at all how I wanted,
and how haunted it all left me.
Or how I can’t let go,
fighting you in my sleep,
memories turning into weapons
that keep the wounds open.
And I wonder if you have songs too.
.
.
I’m still writing that book,
there’s so little of
You
left in it.
Except fragments
and shadows,
hints of things
long past.
I hope you read it one day.
.
.
I kept some of the photos of us,
of you and I smiling and happy.
But your stare still haunts me,
I’ve seen what lies behind those eyes,
the good and the bad,
and I’m terrified
of ever seeing it again.
.
.
It’s so hard now
to remember us
for what we were,
not what I wanted us to be,
or those horrible last few years.
But for the nights together
in your apartment,
Or the competitive nature
we both seemed to share.
.
.
Because as much as I try
I can’t forget you,
I can’t turn my back
on those years of my history.
As much as I hate you.
I loved you.
The trauma and pain
hits me so hard these days.
But I loved you.
And I have to believe
that you loved me too.
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tattooedechoes · 4 years
Text
Sleep deprived.
I hate that when
I’m so strung out
On only 2 hours of sleep
That I can look at something funny
And hear exactly how you’d laugh
If I had shown it to you.
.
.
I hate that I can hear that
That it smacks me in the face
While I’m sitting in bed
With the man I love
That I can hear your fucking laugh.
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tattooedechoes · 4 years
Text
The break
Years ago now
Back when I belonged to you
I was broken.
I was tatters and pieces
And falling apart
And nothing that I thought
Was worth love.
.
.
On that late summer day
I brought you back to my place
Because you didn’t think
I would
And I loved to prove
Everyone
Wrong.
.
.
I laid on your chest
Thinking about
How utterly fractured we were
From one another
That I couldn’t feel comfortable
No matter how hard I tried.
.
.
I know things must have been sweet
At least for a while
Then I think you asked
If we were going to try
And keep this whole train wreck
Moving.
.
.
And I said no.
.
.
Breaking down into sobs
Of how worthless I was
How I couldn’t keep trying
To be happy with you.
That I wasn’t good enough
For you.
I was broken.
.
.
I told you that day
That we should take a break
Pick a last day together
Then give each other
Time apart.
So that I could fix myself
Into someone worthy of your love.
.
.
Oh how blind I was.
.
.
I know for certain now
That I have made strides
That I am not as broken
As I was three years ago
But I also know
That I am worthy of better
Than you could ever give me.
.
.
That break was my escape
From a tight binding
That was squeezing my lungs
Until I had to fight
For each breath.
.
.
I don’t have to fight anymore.
.
.
I may be a mess
But darling
I’m the best I’ve ever been.
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tattooedechoes · 4 years
Text
Beds
The bed smells like us
And it brings me some comfort
I hope it can lull me to sleep
.
.
I hate this bed
It’s too big
And too empty
.
.
When we live together
And we share a bed
Can it be a double?
.
.
Because a single is
Awkward at best
A painful reminder at most.
.
.
And a queen
Like this damn bed
Is too big
To horribly empty
.
.
Even with us in it
There was too much room
For me to feel
Truely at peace.
.
.
Snuggled with you
Curled like vines
And strange sea creatures
Around one another
Feels so wonderful
Calming
Grounding
.
.
I don’t want to miss out
On even a single second
So I’ll take a smaller bed
Over the lavish large ones
Just so I could be lost
In the comfort of your arms
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
I love you
A burden
A waste
You are such
A disgusting mistake.
Everything you do
Is so wrong
And self serving.
Why can’t you be normal.
Why are you crying?
You can’t manipulate me.
Shut up.
I didn’t even do anything,
I barely touched you,
I should be allowed
To raise my voice
To shout
And put you down
Because it’s everything
You deserve to hear.
.
.
Don’t talk back
Don’t talk too loud
Watch your tone.
You should appreciate
Everything I do for you
Because you’d be such a failure
If it weren’t for me.
You’d be dead in a gutter
Covered in blood
And vomit
And spit.
You should feel grateful
That I love you so much
Despite how awful you are
And how rotten you are to me.
Because I mean
Who else could possibly love you?
You can’t replace me.
You can’t turn me away.
I’m your lover
I’m your partner
I’m your friend
I’m your family
I’m your mother.
You have to love me.
.
.
God you need to learn
To shut your mouth
Smile already
You don’t have anything to be sad about.
You want to die?
After everything I’ve done for you?
After the presents
After the love
After the years
Of food and care
And everything I’ve provided for you?
Why are you like this?
What did I ever do
To be stuck with you.
.
.
Angry words
Have always had a place
In my face
In my life
In my bed.
What have I done this time?
Because it’s always something
I had to have done something.
Why else would you be hurting me?
If it’s something wrong I did
I can fix it
I can make it better
I can make you love me
Please.
Please don’t leave me.
You’re all I have.
I don’t care if you hurt me
Bleed me dry
Crush my skull
Beneath your boot
Bruise my body
Until I’m nothing but
Welts of purple.
Take your anger
Out on my body
I can take it.
I will take it.
Just please
Please
Don’t leave me.
I love you.
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tattooedechoes · 4 years
Text
Pretty.
Is it so bad of me
To want to feel pretty?
That I want you to say
I look cute in that dress
In that jumper you like
On your bed in only a shirt
With no makeup on.
.
.
For so long in my life
I have been anything but pretty
Inside and out
I was disgusting.
A monster.
Something and someone
Not worthy of love.
So I sought validation
From whomever would give it to me.
.
.
Strange men commenting on my
Skinny 16 year old body
Telling me I looked
Gorgeous.
That I was cute in that sweater
That I looked good in a swimsuit
And it all
Made me feel pretty.
Still disgusting yes
But like I was pretty.
.
.
I cheated on everyone
Because of so many reasons
But mostly because
I never felt wanted enough
Like I deserved a nice partner
When I was so disgusting.
I disappeared to strangers
And flashed them my body
Until I was told
What I wanted to hear.
.
.
Then when I didn’t cheat
I was made to feel horrid anyway.
Ha
What a fucking joke.
After 4 fucking years
He could no longer see me
As attractive
As pretty.
And neither could I.
.
.
I know I’m not pretty
But just once and a while
I want to feel like I can be
To feel like you think I am
Pretty.
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Drugs
Part 2
Withdrawal
You forgot to take
Your morning medication
For four days.
Turned the alarm off
Didn’t follow your doctors orders
To slowly wean yourself off
Because both he
And the phsychiatrist agree
You need to come off them now.
A fool
You poor fool
.
.
Dizzy
As the world throbs
For a second
Before flitting back to
Somewhat normal
Appetite and stomach
Rapidly changing sides
And the light headed feeling
Swimming over your brain
Doesn’t help.
.
.
The symptoms are getting worse
Turn that alarm back on
Take it tomorrow
Start doing what your doctor
Told you very specifically
So you wouldn’t go through this.
For goodness sake
Please.
.
.
Fear dripping in
Like a leaky faucet
Of what it will be like
To come off the other.
The larger dose.
The more important one.
The one that’s done all the work
To make you less depressed
Make you not want to die
Quite so strongly.
Especially when the side effects
Of coming off it
Include the things you’ve
Been running from.
.
.
Insomnia
Fatigue
Headaches
Dizziness
Nausea
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Depression
Suicidal tendencies.
You’ve been running for so long
But your demons can run too.
And without this medication
This little safety blanket
What will you do
When it all falls apart?
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Soft Wanting
Spending time with you
Is always enjoyable
Talking together
Laughing together
Laying in each other’s arms
Everything is just so
Happy
And calm
.
.
But every time you leave
I am left with
This soft wanting
For more time
To spend with you
To keep holding your hand
To keep laying in your arms
Gently running my fingers through your hair
Feeling your hand rub my back
Our calm breaths rising
And falling
From our half asleep lungs
.
.
There is one thing
I so badly want to do
I want to be able to cook you dinner
To curl up and do something in the evening
Then to crawl into bed next to you
And sleep
With our arms wrapped around each other
Warm
Comfortable
And Happy
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Ghosts
A terrible habit
I have always had
Is this strange need
To completely vanish
From the lives of others
As soon as a seperation begins.
.
.
I would sooner never speak
Or see them again
Than try to stay connected
Or try to reconnect
To become a ghost,
A hint of a memory of a person
.
.
And now I am realising
Much to my delight
And general interest
That the version of me
That lives with these people
Is not who I am
Not at all
.
.
I am not her
She is not me
But she is all they have
To remember me by
Some don’t have glasses
Most have brown hair not red
Few have tattoos
Ages varying wildly
Style tastes also a little messy
.
.
And most
If not all
Have a broken,
Sad,
Hurt
Ghost
To follow them around
Instead of me
.
.
The spectre of my depression
Haunting my own memory
And distorting that image
Only adding to the new
And hopefully unrecognisable
Person I have become
Since they last knew me.
.
.
I wonder,
If they saw me now
Would they be lost
And confused
With the living,
Breathing
Person
That the ghost has been
Trying to imitate
For so long?
.
.
Or would their ghost vanish
Replaced as quickly
As they could manage
With the happy
Smiling
Different
Person
I have turned into
.
.
How much have I changed?
Between the birth of that ghost
And it’s death?
Because I’m just now realising
I have probably changed
A lot more than I think
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Sunsets
To me
Sunsets are incredibly beautiful
The blending of colours
Dark reds
Vibrant oranges
And rich yellows
Pigments twisting
And merging
And swirling
Then fading
As day turns to dusk
.
.
But every time
Anyone mentions the beauty
Of the sky
They mention a sunrise
Full of light
And hope
And colour
Giving them the drive
To get on with their day
Something I just
Can’t
Seem to experience
In the same breathless way
I experience a sunset.
.
.
Or they bring up
The hidden mystery of stars
Little glints of light against
A pitch black abyss
Constellations
Marking points
For stories
And visions
Of a future
I’m not sure we’ll see.
But to me,
Stars can only bring hints
Of the joy and expression
A sunset gives me.
.
.
So I think
I’ll just go on taking pictures
And staring at the colours
As day turns to dusk
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Of Rivers and Oceans
A long poem; part 3
Him
A slideshow of images
And then a piece of a conversation
Was all I had at first.
A taste of something
I wasn’t sold on yet
But was curious anyway.
He seemed nice
Interested
And interesting.
.
.
You were still wandering
Through my meadow
Touching all my new things
Starting to set them alight
And change me
Into what you wanted
Before you sealed me in
Like you had before.
.
.
I had a window out,
An escape
To see difference scenery
And breathe air
That wasn’t filled with smoke.
And while you were away,
I tried again,
To talk to him.
And it worked.
.
.
He put in the energy
The effort,
He gave me pieces
Of him
Just as I gave him
Pieces of me.
And he wasn’t like you.
So rather rapidly
I ran towards him
Heart racing
Nervous about everything
But you couldn’t stop me.
I wouldn’t let you.
.
.
I met him in the rain
And it all felt so normal
And for once
I wasn’t the one talking
Until I couldn’t breathe,
And I wanted to hear
Everything he had to say.
.
.
Before I left
To walk home in the winter weather
I offered a hug
A gesture that still bristles me
On a bad day
After years of conditional love
From people like you.
So imagine my surprise
When he held onto me
With a anxious closeness
I had never felt before.
Like in that moment
That gesture from me
Was everything he ever needed.
.
.
And something in me changed.
.
.
I kept talking to him
Tried to talk to you.
He wrote me back
Gave me more pieces
Offered me experiences
Was there.
You barely talked to me.
You didn’t give me anything
Besides condescending words
And quiet judgment
Of the decisions I was making.
Offered me nothing
Besides hints of the ghost
I had been trying to lose
For the last two years.
.
.
Yet I was willing
In that inbetween time
To consider you a part
Of my future.
I once compared him
And you
To a river and an ocean
Unsure at the time
Who was who
And who would control my attention
And sweep me away from here.
Wanting so desperately
To finally feel loved.
.
.
I soon found out
Didn’t I.
.
.
He is an ocean
Full of interesting things
And yet still uncharted
Waves lapping at my feet
Tide pushing and pulling
Us to and fro
From each other
Towards each other.
.
.
You were the river.
And I got tired
Of chasing you
Because you never chased back.
So I stopped running.
.
.
He gave me things
Still gives me things
I could never get from you.
An obvious need
For me
The person.
For my arms around him
For our bodies tangled in sleep
To see me on days where
He’s falling apart.
Also willing to be there
And be a comforting force
When the void creeps back over me.
.
.
I fell in love with that ocean
That was so much
Like a breath of fresh air
After being surrounded
For years
By fires and smoke.
.
.
And when I did.
You stopped being that river
That garden.
Didn’t you.
Once again you were a fire
Trying to destroy me
And burn me to the ground
Change me
Until I was nothing but yours.
.
.
I wasn’t going to let that happen
Not this time.
And there was no chance
I was going to let you
Burn me down.
.
.
I abandoned your river,
Discarded your garden of flowers,
Saw you for the ghost
I had assumed had gotten lost
In the onward march of time.
.
.
You are a fire.
.
.
So enjoy your life.
And I hope
One day
You’ll see what you are
And realise why I left you
Had everything to do with you.
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Of Graves and Meadows
A long poem; part 2
Me
For close to a year
After we tore each other apart
And our bridges burned down
And life kept dragging me down
Pushing me off every possible cliff
I lived in a grave
Buried in the dirt
To escape it all
In the graveyard
That my life had become.
.
.
A haunting place
I’d been trapped in
Like a tortured ghost
With all the mistakes
Of my past,
All the people
Whom I loved
And whom had a hand
In bringing me to my grave,
Surrounding me.
.
.
Until I woke up.
Eyes lazily opening
Yawning and stretching
Covered in moss and weeds
Foxglove and lavender
Surrounding me
Ivy crumbling the tombstone
Dandelion seeds scattering
As I rose from the earth
Confused
But a lot less afraid.
.
.
I forogt about you.
Living in my new meadow
Instead of the graveyard
It had been once
Made me forget
That your grave was here too.
Full of ashes
Of the bridges you burned down
And the painful pieces
Of our love.
.
.
I let you in
To the meadow that had formed
In my absence
In your absence.
Unaware that you had never left
Not really.
Your ghost merely wandered away
Into the arms of others
Into the beds of others
Eventually convinced
To return to me
And reclaim me for your own.
Without the worry
Of me
Of us
Being swallowed
By the inky void
Of my depression
Or the fires
Of my poor decisions.
.
.
I was
Too happy
Too excited
To notice that I was letting
A fire
Into my soft meadow.
Failed to see
The demon of a ghost
Standing before me
Standing above the grave
Marked so clearly with your name.
As nothing grew there.
Nothing without help from me.
Your earth was too burnt
Your mind and body
Too tied to the stars
To a place well beyond
My earth
My meadow
This grave.
.
.
And I don’t think you cared.
Did you.
That our wounds never healed
That we never dealt with
Everything from before.
Because you were getting
Everything you wanted
Again.
.
.
But this time.
I wasn’t alone.
I am not a lonely ghost
Wandering a graveyard.
I am a forest creature
In a meadow
With friends who could see
The fire
Rapidly approaching me.
From a ghost
I was too excited to meet.
And let too easily
Come back to life.
.
.
I had already
Started to spiral
Back into the force of nature
That is you.
And I was ready
To run headfirst
Into you
Covered in gasoline
Ready to kill myself
All over again
Just to keep living
In your arms
For whatever time
I had left.
Because I was so sure
That you had missed me
Had cared about me
As much as I had
About you.
.
.
What a beautiful lie.
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Concussion
Years ago
Someone hit me
Connected my temple
To their knee
And I laughed
And faked feeling woozy
But the joke wasn’t funny
When my brain was fuzzy
The next day.
.
.
Thoughts wouldn’t come
In coherent patterns
I went home from school
Because I couldn’t concentrate
I tried to read
But every sentence was torture
Letters would blur
And words wouldn’t make sense
No sentence looked right
And I just got frustrated.
I couldn’t stand the bright lights
Of the sun and the classroom
Kept closing my eyes
Just to feel some peace
.
.
So I crawled into my bedroom
Made it pitch black
And tried to tell myself
This is all fake
Right?
.
.
Inside an MRI machine
Whirring to life
As dread settles on my stomach
Of what they will find
From this false injury of mine
That I had dramatisiced for attention
But was suddenly real.
.
.
Nothing,
All clear,
Just rest up you’ll be fine.
Embarrassed I thought
‘Everyone has taken this
So seriously
When I had faked it all
For a little more care.
Now the doctors too,
Are telling me I’ll be fine
Is this still a false instance
Or is it real
This time?’
.
.
Weeks trickled by
And I tried to forget
Embarrassed by the lie
I’d let get out of hand
But the longer I existed
Outside of the small window of time
Surrounding the incident
The more and more
Side effects
Real ones
I began to suffer.
.
.
My art
Something I’d been slowly improving
Was suddenly lost to me
Much to my horror
I couldn’t hold a pencil
And make it feel right
And trying to use the
Muscle memory
Of what I knew most
Animals and faces
Always lead to wrong connections
And missing links in my mind.
.
.
‘Okay,
Weird.’
I thought, and tried to get on
With my life
But then trying to read
Or write
Proved too difficult sometimes
Letters jumbling
Words rearranging
Reminding me of that day
Where I couldn’t read anything
And now I had to take breaks.
.
.
Having verbal conversations
Was also a challenge
Because my brain would miss connections
Would forget simple words
Phrases erased
And fragments ended up coming out
Instead of the well thought out
Intelligent or funny
Thoughts they’d been
In my head
So for a while I was quiet
A strange thing for me
But I was terrified
Of sounding so lost in my own speech
.
.
Talking
Thinking
Singing
Speaking
All get muddled still
From time to time
Where I’ll think of a perfect
Normal
Coherent sentence
But when I go to say it
Words suddenly go missing
And the sentence falls apart
As people stare at me
Thinking
‘My god, is she dumb?’
I dread reading aloud
From any kind of writing
Because it’s so hard now
To make it all come out right
.
.
And my tone
God my tone
Can come out entirely wrong
Like the buttons and levers
Used to control it
Are gone
And my brain panics
And picks one at random
So something intended
To be said full of joy
Or even just normal
Comes out wonky
And wrong
Leaving me to scramble
And pick up the pieces
And try to beg for forgiveness
As I “didn’t mean it that way!”
Which doesn’t make life easy
When you’re walking on eggshells.
.
.
Reading and drawing
However
Returned to me gradually
Improvement is slow
But at least it’s moving.
I still sometimes need breaks
From staring at a book
Or need to read over a paragraph
Several times
To actually take it all in
I didn’t lose my books
I didn’t lose my art
My skills in both are somewhat lacking
But I’ll take that over gone.
.
.
Something went wrong that day
As much as I tried to deny it
Tried to pretend I was hurt
When I really was
And as embarrassing
As literally everything about it was
I still have to live with
Little pieces of it now
As I try to move on
And keep living my life
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Me.
What a waste
Of human space.
Drugged often.
A medical sheet
A mile and a half long.
Depression
Anxiety
Constantly nipping at the heels of the mind
Like excitable jack russels
Taking small pieces of tendon
As their excitement becomes
Far too serious.
A voice that begs to sing
But far too afraid to do so
Outside of a shower
Afraid,
So very afraid,
To open up
To anything
To anyone
Heart full of longing
For what it’s too afraid
To reach for
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Letting go
There is a lot of things
That have happened to me
Over the years of my existence
Layers and layers
Of trauma
Carving out the marrow of my bones
And living there
As black messy tendrils
Contained in the white calcium
.
.
For years
For a lifetime
I have done my best
To live with this
The festering darkness
Rotting my body away
But
Every so often
Something comes along
And breaks a bone
Releasing the trauma
As it shatters a part of me
That I was able to keep together
.
.
And for years
Everyone around me
Has told me
You need to learn to let go.
Let it go and move on
How can I
When it’s living so deep inside me?
It’s not as easy
As blocking a number
Or deleting a social media
Everything is tied to me with strings
Or buried in my bones
I can’t begin to let go
Unless I break another part of me
.
.
Destruction then
Appeared to be the cure
Self destruction
To break my own bones
And tear through my organs
And muscles
And blood veins
Until the black mess could be exposed
And I could turn on it
And shred it
Set it on fire
Until there was nothing left.
But that never worked
Did it.
.
.
All I did
Was add scars
Add more trauma
To my already messy form
To the point where
When I looked in a mirror
The only part of me
That looked normal
That looked human
Was my pitch black eyes
.
.
My body became a temple
To my past mistakes
To the years of abuse
To the lifetimes of trauma
That had beaten me black and blue
Bled me dry
Infested my organs
And drilled into my bones.
I hated myself.
Because all I could see
Was everything that happened to me.
I felt broken
I felt ruined
Like something horrid
And putrid
And disgusting.
.
.
I almost died once
More than once.
Because I thought
That maybe
If I let that train shred my body
Let that knife drain my blood
Let those pills rot my organs
That finally
It would all be over
Be gone
And I could let go.
.
.
Every time
I managed to pull myself back
Gasping and sobbing
As I begged with myself
For my own rotting corpse
To keep waking up
And living to see tomorrow.
And I did.
.
.
Letting go
Isn’t easy
When everything is inside you
When it’s all over you
When it’s protected
By your own body
So that you can’t begin to heal
Unless you break yourself first.
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tattooedechoes · 5 years
Text
Goodnight
All I want to do
Right now
Is the crawl into bed
Beside you
And snuggle myself up against
Your warm,
Comforting body,
Letting your scent
Overpower me
As I start to drift off
To the lullaby of your breaths
And the soothing pattern
Of your gentle fingertips,
As we both carefully whisper
Sweet and sincere
Words of care
To each other.
Wandering together
Out into the black sea
Of sleep
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