Okay but au where they're not all related and five is a mysterious orphan Diego keeps running into at odd hours of the night and then him just being like "fuck it he's like 13 he can't be out alone at night" and then just takes him home like a godamn stray and five is THRIVING under the positive attention he never had I beg of you please feed my soul. Also sorry if this doesn't make sense I've had 2 hours of sleep and like 8 coffees today

i think i’ve read a fic similar to this but FUCK YEAH let’s do this (sorry im so late btw i havent been feeling bullet points lately fksjdfks) ALSO HEY OP PLEASE DON’T DIE I HOPE YOU’RE OK??? 

• so diego is still a cop and he’s patrolling or doing whatever it is that cops do, and then he sees a kid sitting in an alley
• obviously he pulls over like “hey kid you okay?” and the kid is like “shut up go away bootlicker” and diego is instantly “okay then come on im taking you to get food”
• the kid doesn’t want to go but at the same time diego can tell he knows that there’s really no better options. this child looks hungry
• so the kid and diego go to griddy’s and the kid says his name is five when asked
• “that’s not a name”
• “is too”
• diego+fam have a long history of trauma and reginald called them by number which was their birth order or something? idk OH SHIT WAIT YOU SAID NOT ALL RELATED OK OK COOL SO
• luther is a mechanic who diego knows because he’s the dude who’s often the one repairing his car, they’re on pretty good terms and go out for coffee sometimes because luther hates alcohol and diego’s body is a temple so he doesn’t drink
• diego is diego he’s a cop but he’s highkey broke and i really don’t know how much cops get paid? hm
• ok google says from 34.6k - 89.4k a year and numbers mean nothing to me so lets say he’s just a gremlin who lives in a boiler room because it’s efficient
• OR he’s still dating eudora and lives with her
• you know what that’s probably the better option i’m gonna go with that. they don’t have as much childhood trauma even though none of the “siblings” come from exactly good homes? but none of them were raised by reggie mcfuckface so it’s less like,,, bad even though they’re all fucked up
• WAIT DO THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS
• HELL YEAH THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS
• ok ok so luther is a mechanic who uses his super strength and endurance to just fucking carry cars around his garage and i know NOTHING about mechanics as a profession but but but luther is good at what he does
• diego is a cop who lives with eudora and throws knives like a boss. he also throws tennis balls really hard because stabbing people on duty isn’t advised
• you know what? i’m gonna say allison ISNT a movie star, shes a smaller actress with minor roles here and there because she’s a mom and spends time with claire. she doesn’t use her rumor as much because honestly she doesn’t see a reason to? like sometimes she’ll go “i heard a rumor you gave me a free shot of coffee” and like,,, that’s it shfskd
• her and patrick are still divorced but that’s because they did it the healthy way. they knew they were drifting apart but instead of rumoring him they broke it off mutually and they still meet up for coffee. they’re friends ok. claire loves her parents
• klaus! klaus has problems but because im a soft bitch dave is here in 2019. he’s… also a mechanic…. they all know eachother but dave knows luther and diego pretty well. luther via work and diego via luther
• yes klaus! so klaus has a history of drugs and addiction, because while he wasn’t shoved into a mausoleum ghosts screaming at you all the fucking time doesn’t help with staying sober
• but because he has a support network he can fall back on he’s doing well, he’s a barista in a coffee shop that allison and patrick & diego and luther frequent
• shoutout to klaus
• five is an orphan he’s 13 and small and kind of a genius? fuck what if as a kid five accidentally time-traveled to 2019 and thaT’S HOW HE BECAME AN ORPHAN 
• galaxy brain
• so five is this kid in the wrong time living on the streets not knowing how things work
• i mean he does obviously because he catches on quick and he’s smart but really he doesn’t know how some shit works ok. he’s clueless when it comes to technology and pop culture and shit
• ben!! ben is alive!! he’s a part time writer and a full time librarian!! he knows klaus because during his homeless days klaus stuck around the library because free bathrooms and also reading to take his mind off the ghosts. they become really close and ben gets klaus to move in with him and then he’s trying to get sober and then ben’s car crashes and that’s how they meet luther and dave OHHHH
• additionally: klaus illustrates some of ben’s books because he knows how to draw yay
• vanya! she’s first chair in the orchestra and she’s dating helen cho because i say so
• so vanya kicks ass at violin, she’s being gay teaching lessons all that good shit what more is there to say
• harold isn’t here because there was never an umbrella academy
• hmmm back to the,,, actual plot,,, im sorry sksfhdjsk
• SO DIEGO FINDS FIVE RIGHT
• AND HE’S LIKE “oh no this child is awakening my paternal instincts oh no i have to take him home with me now”
• eudora opening the door to see her husband boyfriend with an angry looking teenager at his side: dear god what did you do this time
• eudora instantly bonds with five and i mean INSTANTLY like she lays eyes on him and goes “child?? small?? looks lonely?? must protect” and five looks at her like “badass looking lady she probably knows what shes doing might as well ask for info and stuff” but hes actually thinking “oh dang she looks like she knows what she’s doing RESPECT” and yeah ksdjhsdkf
• then five expects them to be mean or just get tired of him and kick him out but?? they dont??? wack
• diego is instantly like “kid where do you live”
• ‘um’
• “you live somewhere right???”
• ‘UM’
• they find out he’s legally dead and thats another can of worms entirely
• so they register and foster five
• diego and eudora are registered foster parents you cannot change my mind alright
• then five is introduced to luther and dave, and also ben and klaus because theyre hanging around the shop bc it’s their off day
• so five instantly has 4 more people giving him instant love and validation and he’s like “woah”
• THEN ALLISON AND PATRICK
• claire too,, claire immediately adopts five as her older brother
• this entire time five is like “i can’t stay im gonna leave soon you all know this right” and eveybody is “yep ok sure” but they all know hes gonna stay
• hhHHHH GAME NIGHTS
• five beats everybody at scrabble
• diego beats everybody at darts, even though everybody calls him out for cheating
• vanya beats everybody at musical chairs. she levitates the chairs so nobody can sit down
• luther beats everybody at outdoor games. do not play tag with this man you might not make it out alive
• allison is the QUEEN of blurt! 
• ben is so good at charades it’s unfair
• klaus honestly sucks at board games, but he always wins uno and nobody knows how (its the ghosts skfhsdkf)
• five is so confused because its obvious all of them are cheating but??? nobody cares?? what
• “it’s because it’s fun nobody is actually upset”
• whaaaaaaat
• so they have to explain to him that they dont play to win they play to have fun and its just a fun thing they do to spend time together and bond
• five: mind blown
• THEY TAKE HIM TO AN AQUARIUM
• BEN JUST CHILLS WITH THE OCTOPI THE ENTIRE TIME
• FIVE BONDS WITH CRABS
• THEY ALL LOVE SEALS
• five gets exposed to modern culture!! klaus and ben teach him memes is what i’m saying 
• five goes to school!!! he makes friends!!!! they have nice sleepovers and diego and eudora make them cookies :’)
• i want to say. okay so.
• reginald exists and he had made grace eariler as preparation for the children he was going to adopt, but he died before he could buy any babies
• so grace exists! and!! she knows the “siblings”!!!
• so five has a grandma because im not going to lie grace is basically all of their’s mom
• she lives in the mansion but she can go outside and DO THINGS and she makes them COOKIES and she LOVES HER KIDS and GRANDKIDS and five ADORES her ok
• basically five is happy with his pseudo family that’s it thank you for your time
• wait no actually he figures out how to time travel safely and he does go back and forth
• sometimes he pops in and he’s like “hey we ran out of milk” and then a second later he’s like “for the love of god wait until tomorrow to get milk dont ask why you dont wanna know” and its obvious that he came back from the future and HHHHHH YES
• the commission can’t do shit because found family love is simply too strong
• hazel and agnes are the nice couple who run griddys and birdwatch
• five is fond of them too honestly like he just loves going to griddys because it has so many happy memories for him and its where he met diego (sorta) and also yay hazel and agnes!!
• SO YEAH BASICALLY: FIVE IS HAPPY AND THIS AU IS GOD TIER THANK YOU

THIS IS A GOOD ONE I LIKE THIS AU THANK YOU

The Five's Store au we were talking about?

yesssss the good kush. gonna do this in bullets because i feel like it might get long. jsyk i didn’t read through literally any of this so for whatever typos i made sorry lmao

• five wakes up one day (post apocalypse) and thinks hey, you know what would be a completely rational and not at all impulsive idea to follow through with.
• that’s right folks. 
• he’s gonna start a store.
• the thing here is, five has absolutely no idea how business functions. sure he’s been part of a massive organization for years, but actually doing like,, store things? lol what
• but that doesn’t matter because he’s gonna have a store and he can learn as he goes, no big deal
• it’s a very big deal. five does not know how to manage a store.
• it’s literally just called “five’s store.” how did he fund it? when did they build it? nobody knows. it’s like those fast-food restaurants that just pop up one night and you have no clue how they got there.
• so. five’s got his store. this is nice. he didn’t actually know what he wanted to sell, but because his siblings couldn’t talk him out of this (read: they didn’t know it was happening until it was too late) they suggest things
• baked goods! bicycles! books! postcards! writing materials! furniture! shut up klaus nobody is selling what you’re about to suggest shUT UP-
• so five decides, fuck it, and just. shoves everything into this store. how? i don’t know. nobody does.
• i literally have no ideas how stores work so im playing all of this by ear (vanya if you’re out there) but five also doesn’t know how stores work so it’s all good. gucci, if you will. five has probably stolen gucci before, for a mission or something idk just a thought
• so five has his store but he’s so bad at managing it. first off, hiring employees didn’t occur to him. it’s just five in a building
• customer: *walks in* hello can i have a cake please
  five: sure :) 
  five: *gives them a pie*
  customer: little boy, who do you think you are? i said a cake
  five: cake? oh shit you’re right, sorry.
  five: *gives them a breadroll* :)
  customer: what a rude little boy! let me speak to your manager. is it even legal for a teen to be employed?(he passes as 15 ok props to aidan for being older than his character’s physical age lmao)
  five: ok *walks out into the back room* *walks back in* hi what can i help you with
• the kids love him though. it’s always “mommy when can we shop at five’s again?” etc etc and five is like. shitposting irl. without realizing. he genuinely doesn’t know the difference between types of cheeses. he can’t tell you how an LED is different from a fluorescent bulb. he actually, literally, doesn’t know this shit.
• why is he in charge of a store? fuck if i know, but im having fun with this
• the siblings try to help out, but it ends with five kicking them out because they were “arranging the cacti wrong” or “messing with the bathroom toilet covers too much” 
• what are bathroom toilet covers? idk but we have them in my house and we only use them for christmas theyre the worst. imagine a fucking snowman staring at you everytime you want to take a shit. goodluck
• five loves his store dearly tho
• from offbrand cream cheese to onbrand sweatervests.
• hm luther probably tries to help with the gardening section once in a while. he comes in and immediately has to hold back tears because “five when was the last time you watered these begonias.”
• ‘oh last week probably i dont know’
• “five you have to water them at least once a day”
• ‘how was i supposed to know that’
• “five you OWN a STORE-”
• so yeah luther just. silently looms in the corner. watering plants. he scares asshole customers away even though he never says anything he just stands there. and waters the plants. some nice ladies initiate conversation and he just goes off about plant things which is so valid i love him
• he’s like hargid but less rough around the edges. friendly giant. bfg but with plants. five never comments on how he takes a plant home occasionally. 
• diego sticks around the cutlery for reasons well known. he always tries to take knives home, to sharpen them, he claims, but five draws the fucking line there.
• im making it sound like five owns some massive corporate building. no. his store is like a very compact IKEA. it has everything an ikea would, but it’s barely the size of a target. actually targets are pretty big. walmart maybe? dollar store? bigger than a dollar store though. hmmm just an average department store
• lowes. that’s it. it’s like an ikea but the size of a lowes. five owns a lowes called Five’s Store. 
• okay so allison’s sole purpose is to stand outside and offer free autographs. she basically bribes people into going in. it’s like walmart. as soon as you go in you physically can’t go out without buying something. 
• jk she also helps five with his customer service because what the fuck it’s terrible. also funding. she’s a rich actress. all of them have an inheritance probably though, but five didn’t want to use reggies money because this is all a really huge “fuck you” to dad. cheers to him. 
• OH MY GOD ALLISON PROBABLY SHOOTS ADS FOR FIVE’S STORE (in future mentions will be abbreviated to FS for my convenience) AND THAT’S HOW THEY GET TRACTION YES
• klaus and ben kinda uhhhh hang around. klaus is kicked out by five a lot because “don’t touch that” “get your hands off” “where did you get a chainsaw? put that down, klaus stop-” and all that usual average stuff, but when they need it klaus is willing to be a cashier for a little bit
• ben is the only one with like. actually useful tips. 
• ben voice: no that’s not how you purchase items to sell
  five: ???
  ben: here okay just go do something else and let the adults handle the money okay?
• five can’t punch ben because he’s dead so HA. klaus probably makes ben corporeal though rip
• ooo ben can also shelve things with his interdimensional wiggly worms! he can reach those high high shelves that have packaged stuff on them.
• …costco? no i dont think FS is as massive as costco moving on
• ben shelves stuff. we are eternally grateful for that. bless
• vanya is the only actual competent adult you guys know this right. like sure the rest of them come CLOSE (mainly ben and allison, but ben doesn’t really count because he’s dead) but vanya is the only actual competent adult in this family (pogo dni)
• so vanya does the taxes. rip to her. nobody likes taxes, but she’s taking one for the team
• diego helps sometimes. tries to help sometimes. he brings her coffee does that count
• kidding, diego knows how to taxes a little bit. emphasis on the “little” and “bit” and the silent “barely”
• so yeah they all help out and i know i said five kicks them all out but i lied that never really happens. the store is like their side job but they’re not paid and it’s more of a hobby that got out of control
• honestly five probably brings grace in and she bakes away because it makes her so happy that her cookies can make so many people happy. let her bake please.
• claire probably owns an easy bake oven. just saying
• yeah five has a store and it’s the literal best thing. it’s midnight so im gonna cut myself off but skjfsk this au is amazing thank you spencer for this golden concept

im gonna be honest all of this really reminds me of my mcdonalds five au which i might ramble about if requested lol