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#therapy

life stories!

so essentially, at first sight i’d probably be pegged as either an extreme extrovert or a really shy introvert. i’m here to say that i’m neither of those things. it started when i was younger and a little on the quieter, slightly shy side. so i started going to drama classes where i’d learn to be more extroverted and confident. it was really amazing and i loved my classmates & teacher. so i’ve done drama for at least around 8-10 years now and it’s pretty cool. i love public speaking and writing. but towards the end of last year, i started to feel extremely socially awkward and quiet. i was going through tons of growing pains, and because i’m someone who overthinks a lot, it hit me pretty hard. so i started writing in a lot of forms: poetry, articles and some odd book ideas. i hope that if you’re going through a hard time, you feel safe enough here or anywhere else to find yourself again, and feel just a little bit better. i’m always going to be here for you. 

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I write this just to let it out

There is

a part of me,

that will

always miss you.

Things are

getting a

little better,

but it’s

still hard

having no one

who knows

almost everything.

How did you

see those things?

The twitch in my

cheek, signalling

tears? The flashes

of pain? How did

you talk me down

from a panic attack?

No one else

can do that,

you barely knew

my thoughts,

but you could read

my emotions

and I miss that

and I miss your

belief in

just being,

existing,

when you need it,

in the idea that

life is an experiment,

where you’re meant

to test things

out, make mistakes,

and discover yourself.

I wish I could

talk to you again,

one last time,

hug you again,

so you know

what you’ve done

is the greatest thing

anyone

has done for me.

You listened,

and you heard.

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Why is trying to find a therapist so hard? Especially one that will except your insurance. Like i really want to see a therapist because of my anxiety and i also just want to talk to a professional about all the shit I have gone through this year that has triggered my anxiety and made it worse.

This year has just been the most anxiety inducing year of my life. Ive gone through heart break from losing another friend(not from death) because of poor choices and decisions made.

I had my first mental breakdown in a while due to my depression acting up that day. And of course i had it at work while i was on shift.

Friends bailing on me when we were getting more serious about moving into an apartment. I desperately need to move out of my mothers place, but cant afford a place on my own. Im bisexual and my mother is homophobic but she doesn’t know im bi. So when she makes comments when she sees anything queer on tv it kills me to hear them because she doesnt know.

A lot of tiral and error with dating. When i first started putting myself out there this year and actually started going on dates, I didn’t know how much anxiety I would be dealing with. Im 21 and ive never dated before this year. I was very shy and introverted in high school and me first few semesters of college, so i never got asked out. And my whole high school had 90 kids. My graduating class, there was 21 of us. So I didn’t have many options to choose from anyway.

So yeah. I need to see a therapist

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I know I don’t like children, and never have. Except for a few friends I had when I little. (Actually, now that I think about it, I hated a lot of them.)

But, I thought that was personal preference, combined with a healthy amount of resentment towards my future children- who were getting prioritized for as long as I could remember. (Yeah, I hear it.)

As I try to connect with my inner child, I really hate this kid. I hate every childish part of me. So, maybe it’s more than I just don’t like kids.

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Apparently, today in therapy, I had a milestone. It was the first time I acknowledged anger. Specifically, and especially, to all the people who failed me and ruined my childhood.

It doesn’t feel like a novelty to me (but it’s something she’s been waiting for since she stood up and whooped).

It doesn’t feel like a novelty, but if I think about being angry, it is overwhelming and new.

Also, I’m terrified of my own anger.

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my friend is a bitch

i told her i made eye contact with my therapist who i think is hot, and that we looked at each other and smiled for a while, while another patient in group was talking, and how happy it made me and she was like 
“…. :—-) lmao ok it didn’t mean anything tho” 
like yeah no shit my therapist smiling at me doesn’t mean he wants to marry me but it felt good, the pure validation and dat sweet smile, like let me live?
it pisses me off because I KNOW IT MEANS NOTHING JUST LET ME BE GIDDY ITS LITERALLY THE ONLY FEELING OF JOY I EVER HAVE 

also she is always coming with condescending remarks lately regarding every aspect in my life, and she doesn’t understand how i don’t want to sleep with random people because that is in fact her _only_goal_ and how can ANYONE have different standards in life oh no 


i think I’m … s–s-s-spl—splitting on her 

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