My breath freezes in my chest. All the noises and lights fade into the rush of blood in my ears. He’s not supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to be here with her. “Alex?” I whisper. That’s all I can manage. He turns around lazily with his hand resting underneath her shirt and just looks at me. I can smell the alcohol from where I am and I think that’s what does it. Everything goes numb as I watch him roll his eyes at me. He slurs my name over and over and it sounds angrier the more he says it. It makes me flinch but I don’t think he notices. The girl beside him, already half inside him, notices. She leers at me and it occurs to me that she knows. She knows that he was moaning my name yesterday. She knows that half of my closet is filled with his clothes. She knows that he is supposed to be mine.
“What are you doing, Alex?” it comes out as a whisper again.
“What does it look like?” he waves a hand in front of the girl and she winks. I don’t say anything, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say anyway. “She’s better than you. She’s better in every way,” he says again. The words tumble out of drunken lips but that doesn’t mean they are any less true. I’ve been waiting on him to decide that he wanted someone else. It’s a miracle we made it this long in the first place. “You aren’t good enough anymore. Go home,” he throws at me one last time before he turns around. I stand there for a second longer to make sure that he isn’t going to turn around and this was supposed to be a twisted sort of prank. He doesn’t turn around so I do. I turn around and walk out with his words rattling around inside my head. They change from his voice to my parents’ voices, back to his and then finally mine. You’re not good enough You’re not good enough I’ve never been good enough I shove it away, the way I’ve done it before until it is barely a mumble at the back of my mind. I go home and methodically, robotically, I put all of his things in a bag. I take his t-shirts out of the drawers and fold them into the bag. I drop his deodorant and toothbrush in there too. I pack and pack until all that’s left are the bare bones of me. Who am I without him? I shake my head as I look around the apartment. My apartment. It was never his. I was never his. I simply wanted to be. He was a mess and hurting and he needed me. We were friends but I wanted to be more. I thought loving him would be enough. I should have known nothing I do is ever enough. I sigh and flop into my bed. These feelings, these thoughts, they’re nothing new. They almost provide comfort with how familiar they are. Almost. I pull the comforter up over my head and make a promise in the dark to not let them consume me again.
Everything feels so dull right now. I don’t want to do the things I normally love. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want to read. I can bearly brush my teeth some days. I don’t know what to do to fix this feeling
“There’s nothing you can do to help Sabrina. I have nothing now. I can’t return to the academy, I don’t have parents. My Familiar is dead.” He brought a sleeve up to his eyes, wiping a tear from his face. “Maybe it’s best if you just stop helping?” His hand reached forward, taking a long drink from his cup once more, his head pressing against the top of the bar.
“ you… i… ” her nose twitched, eyes stinging as she held back tears. the scene before could play out in two ways. she could storm out of here, all white hot rage, and never return. they’d part as angry exes. instead, she sniffed, grabbed the glass from his hand, and handed it to dorian, who took the hint to wander off. “ nick. ni━ nicholas, look at me━━ ” she placed one of her hands on each of his shoulders and yanked him to face her, briefly hoping he did not puke on her. “ i did not force you to kill amalia, i did not force you to help me with blackwood. you offered. and i’m sorry that you regret it, but i can’t change it ” she cursed the nervous squeak in her voice. “ i am going to force you to stop drinking yourself to death and help me get us back in. ”
okay y’all don’t make this a big post bc my friend has tumblr but i thought i’d share. so my friend has really crinkly ankles and knees and so when she walks or really even moves her ankles and knees pop. so i spend a lot of time around this friend so when i’m alone or lonely i’ll pop my own ankles or toes and like pretend she’s there with me. bc i’m a lonely fuck. and i always miss being around her when i’m not
A/N: I wanted to write another chapter for cheater, but I’m really on a roll with your highness right now and I’m also almost Done with VII so, it may be posted tonight. I have no schedule for my writing times, or post times *nervous laughter* Gif: annethearcher Enjoy! Also this is a little sad
You felt like you were going to throw up. You sat on a horse with your armor, well not your armor, the armor Alfred had made for you. If was tight against your sleek body, almost caging you in when it was locked in place. You tightened the reins, wrapping them around your hand as a nervous tick somewhat. You would tighten them until there was close to no more rope was left, then let go. You told Alfred you must do this alone, your people couldn’t see him and you together, they couldn’t know. When you reached the small divot in the land, you smiled. You could see your friends, they were sharpening axes, weaving clothing, talking. You couldn’t help but feel jealous, they didn’t have the Gods sitting on their shoulders, watching their moves every minute, mocking them for their choices. You turned your head when a familiar voice rang through your ears, “Y/N!”
You smiled when you saw Erica, she was nice, but you never really got to talk to her as a child. When you went into Lagatha’s care, that was when you finally met her.
You sighed, jumping down from the side of your horse, “Erica,” she wrapped her arms around your neck, holding you in a tight hug.
She looked at the two soldiers who stood behind you, “did you do it?” She whispered into your ear.
You pulled away, “not yet.”
She tried looking behind you, “where is Cace?”
You gave a small smile, “she is with the king,” it wasn’t a lie. She was with the king, just not in the same place.
She pulled in closer again, “don’t let her take your place, I know how much this means to you and Lagatha.”
You nodded, “Erica, we-we,” you could feel you palms getting wet, “Erica, the king, he has changed his view on welcoming you all here.”
Her face sagged, “what? What are you talking about Y/N?”
You wanted to tell her, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t tell her you were about to slaughter all the people around you. “Erica, I have requested you stay in the castle with me.”
“Oh,” she could see your eyes becoming glossy, lowering to match with your distant eyes, “Y/N, really what is going on?”
You shook you head, taking a deep breathe, “nothing,” you brushed her hair away, “I have just missed you I suppose,” she smiled. After a while, you turned back to one of the guards, “take her to the castle.”
He nodded his head, grabbing her wrist a little to hard causing her to release a whine. I glared to him, but he was already gone, the other approached my side, “Your Highness, the archers request your go.”
You admired the people laughing, why couldn’t you just say no? Not let this happen, not let your people be murdered I front of you. You sighed, turning your head so you could still see them, “tell them they may release fire.”
He nodded his head, letting the others see. You turned back to jump onto your horse, watching as a man gripped his throat and a women screamed. “Den!” The women yelled, searching around to see who the shot came from, but in a flash, she was laying on him, with an arrow to her side.
“We are being attacked!” One man yelled, you could see them grabbing for their shields and swords, forming a circle of protection. You watched as another arrow hit the side of the man giving orders, this time though, the arrow had a flame lit at the head of it.
You watched them fall and scatter, the hardest was the children, their sweet faces shriveled in pain and fear. How did Rollo do this? He was even the one doing the killing, he took his sword and killed them on his own. If he did it, you will to. You jumped off your horse, approaching a group of men and women, “hold your fire!” You shouted.
You could see the relief on their faces, “it is the Princess Y/N! Bend your knees!”
You smiled a little trying to be calm, knowing their relief would only be met with fear, “please, get up off the ground,” you lifted one of the girls closest to you.
“What is going on? Did you kill him? Is that why you are here?”
He had so many questions, to many, “please, you must allow for your children to come with me, it will be best that way.”
His face moved from happiness to confusion, “what are you talking about.”
You went to speak again, but another women stepped forward, “she’s one of them! See her armor, it’s the kings markings!”
“Ay, she came to kill us!”
You shook your head frantically, “no, please listen.”
“Our children will stay with us,” you watched as they pushed their own flesh and blood closer to them, why wouldn’t they want freedom for their own children?
“It will be easier if you release-”
Your sentence was interrupted but the feeling of warm wetness fall down you hair, you turned to see someone had spit on you, spit? Because you were offering their children a safe passage? “May the gods shame you Y/N Lothbrok, your father and mother would have disgraced you for this.”
You tried pressing you anger back, this was not what was meant to happen, this was not how this was supposed to be going. You turned to the women, drawing your sword, “you believe my father would have cared?” She looked scared, you knew she couldn’t fight, she was a mother, not shield maiden, “fight me and if you win, you leave. May the gods shame me in doing so.” She looked too scared, not knowing what to say, “no? . . Then I don’t recommend you provoke a war you know you will not win.”
“Aye, but she’ll still kill us,” another chimed in from the back.
You stepped away, taking a deep breath, you were meant to be here, be in Wessex. You were meant to be here, meant to be with Alfred. God wished you to come here, not the other gods. It was you destiny to be here, not Lagatha’s killing pet. “Archers!” You could hear them draw their bows, “aim!”
“Please!” A different women stepped forward, “please princess Y/N! You do not need to kill us, we will not tell, please!” You could almost see the tears in her eyes from where you stood.
You stepped away, walking to your horse, “coward! Cannot even kill us herself!”
When you finally sat on the horse, you gave a straight face. You were not a coward, you were doing this for love, for a life other than killings. If you had to watch them die in order to have a life you wanted, this was a mere shred of sadness, “shoot!”
You looked to the ground, trying to drain the screams of the mothers holding their children, the husbands trying to stop the blood from leaving their wives side, the siblings who had to stand and form a shield in order to protect one another. Who was this? This was not you, you would never turn on your people, so why are you now? You moved your horse to turn back to the castle, taking a deep breath trying to gain your composer, trying not to cry in front of these Christian. This was not who you were, but the damage was done, you could never go back from this, even if you begged the gods. It wasn’t long before you saw Alfred standing talking to someone, you couldn’t tell if it was Judith or another women, but when his eyes matched with yours, he quickly walked to you, “y/n, are you alright?”
He could see the look on your face, it wasn’t happiness, no it was far from it. You were in shock and fear at the same time. You didn’t think you would really let that happen, and now, you can never return home, never return to your brothers. Your brothers, you forgot about them, people only talked about your parents disgracing you, but what of Bjorn, or Ivar, Ivar would be the worse. He would kill Alfred, he would think it was Alfred who was at fault for you becoming Christian. You slid down from your horse, and when Alfred’s hands tried to wrap around you in a hug, you ducked down, “please,” you spoke quietly, trying to not have everyone see you block the Kings touches, “not now,” you walked past him, all you wanted to do was drown in your tears that wouldn’t come out.
You asked for a bath to be made, so you could sit in your pitiful puddle before having to see people cheer and scream for your choice. Did they not know you were hurt? Did they just think becoming a Christian was the a blink of an eye move? All things take time, and maybe on the outside you looked like their future Christian Queen, but on the inside, your heart fought with your mind for control of your decisions. On the inside, you were still the Viking princess who fought with Lagatha everyday, till her hands bled from gripping her sword so hard. You closed your eyes, holding your breath as you pushed your head under the water, trying to push back everything that had happened, trying to bring the sunny days with Lagatha back, the times you laughed with your brothers back, when your friends really talked to you with happiness, not fear stricken in their eyes. You laughed at the thought, your friends, friends you would never get back… Erica.
- after getting the real Shiro back and returning to earth, Keith starts to get nightmares - when all the paladins are asleep, Keith dreams of killing Shiro. - he goes over the details of their fight in his head over and over again - except that in his dreams, when he cuts off Shiro’s arm, it misses, and goes through him - he wakes up and he’s so incredibly //freaked// out - in his state, he thinks his dreams are real - he thinks he //killed// Shiro. All he can remember is Shiro saying that he’s dead in the astral plane - he can’t remember anything else - he can’t remember that he saved him - Keith panics - Lance is nearby and he’s been worried about Keith for a while - he wants to talk to Keith, since on their way to earth, he’d been acting strange - Lance walks into Keith’s room to see him having a full blown panic attack - he’s muttering ‘I killed him’ over and over again under his breath, eyes wide and glossy, his hands over his face - Lance tries to calm Keith down, but the best he can do is stop the muttering - he drags Keith out of the room and to the living room, where the rest of the paladins are in Keith’s shack - Shiro is there, alive, with Pidge wrapped around him as they both continue to sleep - Keith breathes a sigh of relief - he makes Lance promise not to tell anyone - but it doesn’t end there. The nightmares continue. It was never that simple - some nights, he wakes up in the same state - Lance has taken to sleeping on the floor of Keith’s room to make sure he’s okay - he wants to tell Shiro, but he keeps his promise - other nights, Keith wakes up and sits in silence, forcing himself to remember that Shiro is alive and in the other room - and very rarely, Keith wakes up without Lance, and believes that Shiro is gone - dead - that he killed him - and there’s no one there to comfort him - so he tries to take Black for a ride, to clear his head, or… - …or to do something stupid - but Black refuses, she’s not going to let one of her paladins try and //kill// themself - so he leaves and takes his dad’s old hover bike instead - but Black, being the smartass sentient lion she is, through their bond, wakes up Shiro - he finds Keith, and Keith is so out of it, so sleep deprived and scared and so //fucked// up… - he thinks he’s hallucinating - and Keith remembers their fight again - how Shiro was not //Shiro// - and in a panic, tries to fight him - yelling over and over again, ‘give him //back//‘ - and Shiro just wraps his arm around Keith and holds close, despite how hard it is with only one arm - the fight just drains out of Keith and they both drop down to the dirt, Keith’s sobbing, and Shiro is breathing hard - somehow, they fall asleep like that, in the outdoors - the next morning, Lance finds them, with Black curled protectively over both her paladins - Keith still has nightmares sometimes - but Shiro is there to prove he’s still alive