I'M NOT A KID NOW SO I CAN READ IT ALL
{1.7k | getting together | first kiss | feelings placement | crushes}
[ao3]
a/n: title from sunday crossword by j.maya
“...and dad in a couple weeks is our first middle school dance. It’s sparkly winter themed, whatever that means…”
He heard about the dance for three days straight. and then it stopped.
It was a rare day when he was able to pick Chris up from school, letting him climb into the back while he stayed in his seat with a watchful eye. and Chris is quiet. Eddie lets the quiet fill the space for a while.
“Any updates on the dance buddy? Figure out what you are gonna wear, do we need to go shopping?” he bites his lip remembering the last time they tried to buy formal clothes.
Chris grumbles, “I don't want to talk about it.” and continues to look out the window, a sad look in his eye.
“Okay.” he shifts his grip on the wheel and after pondering for a moment changes his course and drives toward the beach.
He puts the car in park and opens Chris's door who looks at him defiantly.
“C’mon kid, here we go.” Chris rolls his eyes a little as he gets out of the car. He knows the drill, they've done this a few times since Christmas, each time they gain a little more healing. When they reach the sand Eddie hoists him up, crutches under his arm.
They settle down on the sand.
“So, what’s going on, what happened?”
“I don't want to go anymore.”
“Why?”
“Lindsay laughed at me.”
Eddie doesn’t know who Lindsay is, but he might have a few choice words if he couldn’t guess that she’s also twelve years old.
“I asked her to go with me, and she laughed. and I thought I had a crush on her but maybe I don't, because I don't know what that actually means. So I guess, how do I know if it is?”
Eddie pauses, processing all that information that came so fast, it felt like Chris aged a few years in the span of less than thirty seconds.
“Well, it’s different for every person, you know?” he starts, “Some people get butterflies when the other person is around, or you want to be around them all the time, or they make you laugh. Maybe you think they’re just that much prettier or handsome than your other friends or peers.”
He swallows and pushes something out of the way for later. It’s about Chris right now.
Chris contemplates his words for a moment, twisting his mouth around, starting a word and then stopping.
“How’d you know with mom?”
Eddie is a bit startled by the question, it’s not that he never thought Christopher would ask, he just wasn’t really prepared for it to happen now. But it makes sense. He lets sand slip through his fingers for a moment while he thinks.
He smiles at the fond memories of their early days of friendship, the first time he heard her laugh and saw how it sparkled in her eyes. How it had been a group trip to the beach when they first kissed, the only two single people, each of their friends poking fun at them about their obvious crushes on the other. It had been torture. But then she kissed him and it was better than Lana at the 8th grade dance, or Silvia in 10th.
It was supposed to be an end of senior year fling, that maybe held over into the summer before Shannon went to school. And it was. And she did. They kept it alive during breaks and if Eddie had the chance he would visit her. And then she came back to El Paso pregnant after Junior year.
And they got married by the end of May. Shannon’s dress just covering her 5 month bump. Eddie wasn’t sure why they tried, everyone would know anyway.
He enlisted two weeks later. Didn’t tell her for three days. Then left.
And it had been the beginning of the end.
But he turns Christopher's question over in his brain, “She was my best friend. Her laugh was the first thing that made me love her that much differently.”
Christopher bites his lip and digs a hand deep into the sand.
“Hey, what’s up bud?”
“I don’t remember her laugh anymore, Dad,” Christopher replies so quietly as if he is afraid to admit it.
And Eddie’s heart breaks, tears prick his eyes, he hates that Christopher carries this pain with him, “That doesn’t mean you’re forgetting her Chris. We must have it somewhere if you would like to hear it though.” He pulls his son into his lap, even if he is too big and just a few moments ago they were talking about his first crush and his first school dance. But he can’t help it, and Christopher doesn’t refuse.
He nods into his dad’s shoulder, and then sits back.
“You know I was doing the math the other day, and I- I realized that the amount of time that we had together is shorter than the time I’ve had without her.”
All he can do is run his fingers through Chris's curls and pull him tighter to his chest.
“I know, kid. I’m so sorry.” he swallows past the lump that’s formed in his throat because his son is supposed to use his new algebra skills to figure that out. It’s for, well he’s not entirely sure cause math was never his subject unless it was practical like figuring out how many units to administer in the field. Under pressure. So he does what he can and holds his son while the sun sets over the horizon.
Chris relaxes after a while.
“What happens to me if you die too?” he asks after a moment, his bottom lip caught between his teeth.
And how many times can his kid break his heart in one evening. He's surprised this hasn’t come up before in everything they have been through over the past year.
“Oh, kid.” and Chris just stares at him, waiting, “Buck will take care of you. It's on paper, a very special legal paper. You’ll stay right here, with him, and Bobby and Athena, Chimney and Maddie, and Hen and Karen. They’ll take care of you, just like they do now. And you won’t have to move. I can't promise,” Chris nods in understanding, “but I will never leave you without fighting tooth and nail to get back to you. okay?”
“Okay.” Chris replies softly, before resting his head back down. “And Buck knows, and wants to do that if-”
Eddie swallows, “Yeah he does, he loves you so much.” he runs his hand through Chris’s hair again and sighs. and they breathe together for a moment.
“Do you still not want to go?” Eddie asks as the last rays of sun disappear. Chris just nods his head.
“You know what? I think we should have our own party at home, invite Denny, maybe Harry will be in town? I am sure Buck would be thrilled to help out. We can decorate, whatever you want. How does that sound?”
Christopher ponders it for a moment and a small smile creeps up his lips and he nods slowly. “Can we get pizza on our way home?” his eyes turn big and tilts his head with a small smile.
“I'm gonna have to talk to Buck about teaching you that look,” Eddie responds and Chris laughs.
“And you’ll talk to him about your crush on him too?”
And Eddie is speechless, his mouth forming a small oh in shock.
“C'mon Daad, you totally want to be around him all the time. and you just invited him over to help kind of arbitrarily and you know he’ll say yes. And he wants to too. You really thought i wouldn’t notice that?”
“What am I gonna do with you?” he asks rhetorically, and then turns slightly more serious “you think so?” Chris just nods, “I'll think about it. Okay, kid, let’s go get that pizza.”
It's a few weeks later and Eddie's living room is covered in shimmery streamers, star garland draped across the mantle and twinkle lights. The dining room table is covered in snacks and drinks. Chris and his friends scattered about the couch and chairs, four of them racing in Mario Kart and the others cheering them on.
Buck and Eddie are tucked away in the kitchen preparing for their pizza order to come to feed the 7 almost teenagers in the living room.
“So in the planning, I never heard why we are facilitating this boycott of a middle school dance,” Buck says, leaning against the counter.
“He asked someone to go with him, and she laughed.”
“If I didn’t know she is probably twelve-“
“I had the same reaction. but that prompted the question about what crushes feel like and he decided he’d rather do something at home than have to go to the “stupid dance” that he was very excited about until then I’ll have you know.” Buck laughs, and smiles ducking his head- no doubt remembering his own 12 year old self.
And it hits Eddie right in the chest. right there in the kitchen. It’s like a breath of fresh air in his lungs after holding his breath. Maybe it was weird that what he fell for all the time was the laughter, that the same thing that clued him in on his feelings. But to Eddie it just made sense. And this wasn’t shocking news to him, that he loved buck, he’d been waiting for it to hit him like this though.
“There was actually one other thing that I wanted to talk to you about.”
And Buck looks up at him, tilting his head in curiosity, which shouldn’t be so endearing.
And now Eddie has no idea what the fuck to actually say cause everything feels too big and too important.
So he crosses the kitchen with determination until he’s in Buck’s space, holding his jaw so gently and he can’t breathe.
“i- is this okay?” he asks just about a whisper. Buck blinks and then nods. Circling his hand around Eddie’s waist, breathing him in like he can’t live without this any more. And if Eddie had known kissing Buck is this good he would have done it a long time ago.
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