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twinklepixels · 2 years

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Taylor-Dreamer Gameplay

(I like this format of editing for family headers but i am by far perfect at cutting sims out of their CAS backgrounds lol still like it though.)

This little gameplay was honestly just for fun and to decompress from work and life but i started getting really into it and wanting to post it so here we are! The Taylor-Dreamer legacy...

Kristen is an actress and her dream is to be more famous than Judith Ward, who she had admired for most of her life up until more recent events... She had met Dirk on the Simba dating App, she had matched with Both Dirk and Akira Kibo but there was very little chemistry between the two of them and dirk understanding the struggles of being a newcomer in the celebrity world just made things way easier. The two share a daughter, Emery Taylor-Dreamer. The couple has had their fair share of ups and downs in their relationship and are actively working on it for both each other and Emery, things are still a tad rocky but they bought a home together, nothing fancy as they want Emery to have a normal life as much as possible and choose for herself if fame is what she wants when she is old enough. The couple also share two dogs together, a Italian greyhound named Teddy and a Labradoodle named chloe.

Under the cut is a couple shots of a few things that have happened in their relationship and main reasons of what had caused their initial break up. As a warning it is of sensitive nature, that's why i put it under the “Keep reading” and have tagged it with TW for those who are sensitive to this. <3

Kristen had fallen pregnant shortly after having Emery due to unprotected woohoo with Dirk, at the time both lived in separate households in Del Sol Valley. After sharing the news with Dirk he didn’t take it too well, he was neutral about having kids at first and was super excited to take on the father role but with another baby on the way he felt extremely overwhelmed. The two then after much arguing decided to take a break from the relationship and co-parent their daughter as Dirk was given a key to Kristens home to stop by and help with Emery and build a relationship with her. Fatherhood did not come to him very naturally as he tried to cuddle or feed Emery whenever she had a dirty diaper, but he eventually got the hang of it.

Kristen was nominated for a starlight accolade (I believe that is what it is called?) and was joined by best friend Vanessa Jeong for the award ceremony, unfortunately with all the pregnancy hormones and recent hurt by her relationship, Kristen could hide her emotions watching Judith Ward try and charm Dirk who was sitting right in front of her. Unfortunately Kristen didn’t win an award, being bummed out by this and all her pent up emotions her and Dirk ended up arguing outside which the paparazzi snapped many photos of, and was later published in SMZ website and magazine. Luckily Kristen has a good PR team that she gained from a perk who had posted a story to help her gain back her reputation.

It took about one sim week in the fall before Harvestfest when Dirk started coming around again, I believe after a lot of soul searching he wanted to be there for both Emery and the nooboo on the way. Which helped Kristen and Dirk both with their relatioship in being parents and starting up a friendship again. It was hard on both of them as they don’t really know each other well enough, and were only causally dating and hooking up, both wanted to focus on their careers at first but throwing not just one nooboo into the mix but two made this very hard for both but were able to find common ground.

Sadly after returning home for shooting her latest TV drama, Kristen was rushed to hospital due to extremely uncomfortable moodlets. She had lost her baby in her third trimester. She had found out that the baby was a little girl. This had happened before Harvestfest and both Vanessa Jeong and Dirk had stopped by and helped around the house with taking out the trash, help cook a meal for Harvestfest and tidy up the dishes, which all was just too much for Kristen that she shared the news with both of them about the nooboo. Kristen is still dealing with the sadness and Dirk has been by her side ever since, to be there for her and Emery. They had named the baby Hailey and mourned her in the privacy of Kristens home.

#ts4 #ts4 gameplay #ts4 legacy #sims 4 #The Sims 4 Gameplay #sims 4 legacy #tw:miscarriage #Taylor-Dreamer #TW1 #chrono

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livia-dovehallow · 1 year

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hi! so a mature ask here hope its okay. tw:miscarriage

Do you think its possible gabrily had some miscarriages? in tgp you mention one in the prologue but do you think they may had more given their lifestyle of fights with demons and stuff?

hi! totally okay to send me mature asks :D

you pose a great question and i do definitely cover it very high-level in the prologue of tgp, but it's possible she's had more than one.

Shadowhunters are quite physically fit and so I think that comparatively to Mundanes, they might actually have a lower rate of miscarriage rather than more. with that said, as with any human being, some are more prone than others to have miscarriage and there are so many different reasons and causes of them that it's probable she and many other Shadowhunter women have had more than one.

it's also possible that Cecily has had more miscarriages and never knew about them! perhaps she thought it off as no more than extra discharge or a clunky period. just like in the prologue that if she didn't see the Brothers, she would have thought it nothing more than her period that month.

me, leaving you with another ambiguous answer!!!

#maggie answers #kind anons #mature asks #tw miscarriage #cecily herondale #gabriel lightwood

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hotwings0203 · 3 years

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Fighter bakugou punches y/n in the stomach really hard causing her so cough up blood and having a big bruise on her stomach. Soon she had stomach pain that was unbearable so when katsuki finally took her to the hospital they find out that she WAS pregnant but the baby was lost whenever something hit the womb to hard. After that happens y/n just turns off completely having a emotionless grey intent in her eyes

Y’all are my level of messed up.

I fucking love it>:)

Tw:miscarriage, noncon, domestic abuse, depression

He can’t believe it when the doctor gently explains to him that miscarriages happen, that it’s a normal part of life, no.

No, he wants to beat the doctor black and blue, the same way he did to you-

You’re looking at the bed, at your stomach where your unborn child was cruelly yanked out of you, as cruelly as it was put inside of you.

You can’t tell if you hate him or the baby more.

Katsuki can’t tell if he hates you or himself more.

You come home and stay on the bed for god knows how long. You rest on your back, in the same position he fucked you in when the seed carried, in the same position he fucked you after in cuz he was so happy the baby was real, in the same position you had to lay on because the baby was getting too big to lay on your side for, in the same position he slammed his fist into your stomach in when you told him to stop touching you-

Bakugo wanders around the house, doing nothing and feeling everything.

He can’t tell if you’re gone too or not at this point.

#bully bakugou #mha bakugo #bakugo bnha #bakugo angst #bakugo #yandere bakugo katsuki #bakugo katsuki x reader #yandere katsuki #katsuki scenario #katsuki x y/n #tw:noncon #tw:miscarriage #tw:abuse

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animeomegas · 3 years

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Infertlie!Omega!Neji manages to become pregnant

Hello! Do you have any hc’s for what would happen if by some miracle Neji WAS able to become pregnant? Love ur stuff!! ❤️

(Hello! Ahh, I’m flattered! Hmm, if Neji was able to become pregnant… I have a few ideas. Enjoy~)

Warnings: miscarriage mention, suppressant abuse.

Finding out:

He’s been taking a pregnancy test every month for 18 months by this point, and nothing.

You have been telling him that he may have to start thinking about what he wants to do if he can’t have pups.

Neji knows whose fault it is that he can’t conceive.

He struggles to walk through the Hyuuga compound sometimes, knowing it’s their fault that he’s like this. That he’s broken.

You deny any such things, but he knows he is. And he’s very bitter and upset about it.

But he won’t give up yet.

2 years. That was the time frame he had given himself. If he couldn’t conceive within two years, then… Well, he didn’t want to think about that.

One morning when he doesn’t have a mission, he gets up and heads to the bathroom, taking the test automatically.

The feelings of hope and anxiety have long since faded after too many disappointments.

So, he grabs the test, gives it a cursory glance and goes to throw it in the bin before he realises what the test says.

He lifts the test back up, hand shaking. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but he could have sworn it said…

Positive.

He’s holding a positive pregnancy test.

His heart is beating very fast now. Neji just stands there for a few moments, unsure what to do.

He ends up taking all the pregnancy tests in the bathroom, seven in total.

And all of them are positive.

He won’t ever admit it, but he did cry a little (a lot).

But quickly the joy begins to fade, and fear sets in.

He needs to be so careful.

He can’t lose this baby, he just can’t.

He needs to stop taking missions, he needs to eat better, he needs to go to the hospital-

He works himself into a little panic, and then panics more because he is so scared the stress will make his lose his baby.

At this point, he’s been in the bathroom for like half an hour, so you tentatively knock and ask if he’s okay.

Neji was clutching the sink in the bathroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror and desperately trying to calm down. He needed to calm down, but he just couldn’t. He distantly realised that he was letting out quiet panicked whines, calling for you to help him automatically.

And then he heard a knock on the door, you were here. He let out a louder whine to try and signal to you that he needed you there with him.

“Neji?” your voice was a little alarmed, you must have heard his whining. “Neji, what’s wrong? Can I come in?”

He heard the door handle shake as you tried to open it against the lock.

“Neji, please, open the door.”

“I’m pregnant.” He blurted.

The door handle stopped moving. He waited anxiously for you to say something, still struggling under the weight of the anxiety clawing at his chest.

“…Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he swallowed heavily. “I took all the tests.”

“Let me in please, my love.”

This time, Neji follows your request automatically. The lock clicks open, and you immediately step in. Neji can feel your eyes scanning him before they flit over to the abundance of pregnancy tests lying innocently in the sink.

A smile slowly creeps its way onto your face.

“Oh, baby boy, come here,” you opened you arms for him and he immediately stepped into the embrace. His heart was finally starting to calm down, as he took deep breaths of your scent. He was safe, he didn’t have to worry, you would be here to make sure everything was alright.

“We’ll go down to the hospital tomorrow, alright? Get everything checked out, but I don’t…” you hesitated.

“You don’t what?” He knew what you were going to say. ‘I don’t want you to get your hopes up.’

You shook your head. “Nevermind, let’s just book the appointment. Would you rather go to the hospital or see one of the clan medics?”

Neji grimaced. “Hospital. I know it’s weird, but… I don’t want them to know yet.”

You rubbed a hand on his lower back. “We won’t tell anyone until you’re ready, I promise.”

Pregnancy:

The hospital visit went as well as you could have hoped.

Neji was indeed pregnant, and everything was progressing well for the moment.

But, of course, there were some concerns.

Neji was given a gentle reminder that he was at a high risk for a miscarriage.

He was also told that a traditional birth would be too risky for him, and that he would have to have a c-section.

And, while the mednin couldn’t be sure yet, it was unlikely that he would be able to breastfeed.

Neji took all the information with a detached nod, acknowledging what was being said, but not reacting to it.

As a Hyuuga, he kept his emotions firmly pressed down in public. His scent and face were completely normal. Few would have been able to tell that something was wrong.

But the second he stepped into your house, he just sagged.

He claimed to be tired and went to lay down upstairs. You let him go, knowing that he wanted his own space to process,

But it was hard to smell his sour scent and not come running.

Things got better, however.

Once he was past three months, the chances of a miscarriage reduced hugely, and Neji was much happier.

He threw everything he could into looking after himself and preparing for the pup.

He stopped taking missions as soon as he found out he was pregnant and started to babyproof the house and make the nursery.

The nursery was very traditional. A rocking chair, a wooden crib, handmade blankets and toys.

It was beautiful and Neji was very protective of it. He wanted it to be perfect.

He was protective over the pup in general, as well.

He didn’t let anyone other than you put their hands on his tummy.

As far as the physical pregnancy, Neji had some troubles, but he pushed his way through them with no complaints.

He was most infuriated by his constant need to go to the toilet.

Pain he could deal with, but the constant inconvenience started to grind on his nerves.

He was also a little restless when he was left by himself. Without missions or training he didn’t know what to do with himself a lot of the time.

When you were home with him, he was fine, but he got bored by himself.

“No.”

You sighed, “Again? We’ve been shopping for hours, Neji.”

“Do you want to buy poor-quality blankets for our pup?” he huffed, placing another rejected blanket onto the shelf.

“What about this one?” you suggested, holding up a lovely, soft blanket.

Neji squinted at him, pulling the tag towards him to read. He pulled a face a dropped the blanket.

“No.”

“What’s wrong this time?”

“It’s part polyester. I don’t want polyester in the blankets and toys, I already told you this. Let’s try the next shop.”

You grimaced, feet already sore from all the walking. “Why don’t we just get some blankets and toys commissioned? We can afford it, and then they would be exactly what you want.”

Neji stopped, contemplative. “That’s… actually a good idea.”

“Well, you don’t have to sound so shocked.”

Yes,” Neji smiled, ignoring your complaints. “I want to do that. Let’s head to the stationary shop so I can get some materials to draw up some sketches.”

“The stationary shop?” you whined. “Can’t we just go home for today?”

“No, if I’m pregnant and I can do it, so can you.”

Labour:

With a pre-planned c-section, Neji knew in advance when he would be going to the hospital for the procedure.

He had packed and re-packed his bag four times, just to be sure that he had everything he needed.

Neji was very calm, but it seemed to be because of the shock more than anything else.

He was escorted in, and prepared for the procedure, and exactly on time, he went in for his c-section.

You sat with him, only able to see him head as the rest of him was sectioned off with a screen. You were told not to stand until you had the signal.

You gently stroked Neji’s hair away from his face as the mednin worked. He was drowsy and disoriented. He blinked at you slowly.

“Is… everything going okay?” he whispered to you.

“I think so, baby. How are you feeling?”

“I feel strange…”

“I bet you do,” you laughed gently, pressing a kiss to his head. “Just try to relax, okay? I’m right here with you.”

The operation was exhausting, and Neji ended up being unable to do much for two months while he recovered, but the pup was healthy and Neji couldn’t be happier.

He spent hours every day in the rocking chair in the nursery cradling his pup.

Neji didn’t let anyone outside of you and some mednin meet the pup until she was three months old because he was so protective.

Neji would never be so tacky as to refer to his child as a ‘miracle child’, but sometimes, he can’t help but think it.

#neji hyuuga #reader insert #x reader #omega!neji #alpha!reader #abo #omegaverse #neji x reader #mpreg #tw:miscarriage #naruto #headcanons #neji doesn't die au #scenario

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saintobio · 3 years

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remember, forever. (18)

↳ kageyama tobio x f!reader

description: in which the boy you’ve loved for years unexpectedly becomes your baby daddy. the catch? he’s in love with someone else.

genre: angst, cheating, unrequited love

a/n: TW in the tags please read at your own discretion. you guys may also notice a slightly faster pacing for this chapter.

You couldn’t open your eyes at once. You couldn’t move. Couldn’t talk.

Your fingers were flinching but you couldn’t exert more effort into it. Everything was sore.

But inside, you were numb.

Lethargic.

The toxic smell of the hospital greeted your nose and you could hear nothing but the slow beeping noises of your heart rate monitor.

For a moment, you tried to remember where you were and what happened to you prior. You searched the last bits of your memories but they were limited.

You didn’t know how long you’ve been in an unconscious state and you hoped it wasn’t that serious.

The last thing you could remember was how you begged for everyone to save your baby.

Your baby.

Tobio was the first person you saw when your eyes shot wide open. You didn’t even allow yourself to adjust to the dim light of the room.

His bloodshot eyes, all red and moist, were looking at you in surprise and in relief.

“You’re awake,” he said, exhaling all the worry he must have had for God knows how long. He pulled you into a hug, making you feel how grateful he was that you’ve woken up.

Your first instinct was to touch your bump.

And you felt empty.

“M-My baby,” you spoke, shakily. “Our b-baby... How is—”

Tobio pulled away and couldn’t make himself look at you. He wouldn’t give you answers as if the silence wasn’t more agonizing in itself.

With the lack of response, the tremor in your veins made you shake hysterically. Your heart was pumping from your chest like it could burst.

“Where’s our baby?” you asked again, breathing harder and harder each second. “Answer me.”

He held you in his arms again, only this time he held you tighter. You could feel drips of his own tears falling on your shoulders. “It’s okay...”

“What do you mean?” you wailed, pushing him off. “Just fucking answer me! Where’s my baby?!”

Silence.

More defeaning silence.

The only thing you could hear was your heart beating at a dangerous pace.

“He’s... not with us anymore.”

You shook your head in denial.

“No. That’s... Tobio, you know that’s a sick, twisted joke!”

He didn’t respond.

“My baby’s in the nursery room,” you insisted, attempting to get up but he held you down. “He’s fine, right? Let me go.”

Just say yes. Fucking say yes.

When he turned to look at you, his eyes were filled with sorrow and despair. “It’s my fault, I should have been there... I should have—”

“Stop,” you begged—you started weeping so much you could barely breathe. “Stop apologizing. Stop acting like my baby’s gone!”

The tears that left your eyes stung. Tobio pressed his forehead against yours and you tried to push him off but he still held you. He held you before you could break.

“His heart stopped,” he explained in absolute agony. “You were losing a lot of blood and they—they had to take him out. I’m sorry... I’m sorry.”

You felt as if your heart fell to your stomach and got crushed, stepped on, whatever else you could describe. You felt like you were being ripped alive.

It didn’t occur to you that it was real. That your baby, your angel, a fetus you’ve carried inside your body for the past 6 months—was gone.

You remembered the day when you first saw the ultrasound scan when he was only 6 weeks old. You remembered the day of your abortion and how Tobio came in to stop you. You remembered the nights where you’d read your baby his bedtime stories or the mornings where you’d say sweet words to him. You remembered the first time you heard his heartbeat. The first time you’ve felt his kick.

You nearly passed out from Tobio’s arms after hearing what he said. You screamed your heart out, broke down, thrashed around. You cried all the pain in your heart and the emptiness that it brought you.

You wished this was a sick nightmare and that when you wake up, you could still feel your baby.

“O-Our baby, Tobio!” You sobbed, your chest tightening. You became limp on his arms. “My baby. N-No, this can’t... this can’t be! He’s alive! H-He’s not dead! P-Please... Please tell me he’s okay... Please...”

The pain in his eyes mirrored yours. “I’m sorry...”

Why couldn’t it just be you? Why did it have to be your innocent baby? Why?

From all the pain that you’ve had to go through, why did this have to be one of them? Why did your baby have to leave so suddenly?

You failed to give him the life he deserved. You failed him.

You had no worth.

———————————————————————

The first 2 days of the miscarriage were torturous and Kageyama worried that you would lose it.

Because he, himself, almost lost his mind.

The plain sight of seeing the fetus being taken out of your motionless body was imprinted on his soul—it was an image that would haunt him every single day. Seeing his child, a baby he loved, was more than flesh and blood could stand. It was traumatic, mortifying, and overall heartbreaking.

He was more than devastated that yet another piece of his life was gone and he didn’t get to do anything to stop it.

You carried that life for 6 months only for it to be gone in a blink of an eye.

How was this fucking fair?

He could never look at you and not feel the extreme ache on his chest. The first night shattered him because watching you scream and cry it all out was a whole new form of torture. It was torture to his soul.

Even though your heavy crying had eventually subsided, your silence had become scarier than your painful screams. He didn’t know what you were thinking of and he was afraid to know.

The whole night when you two came back home to your apartment, Kageyama held you tightly in his arms as you sobbed on the pillow. He felt useless that holding you was all he could do.

“Hey.” He tried to make you face him but you didn’t budge. “It’s gonna be okay...”

You continued sobbing.

He decided to leave you be and just continued holding you until you fell asleep, promising that when tomorrow comes, he would still be there.

———————————————————————

You were a dried prune, unable to release more tears from all the crying you’ve done for the past days.

The physical pain you experienced was definitely incomparable, not even a little bit, to the suffering in your heart.

You still habitually touched your tummy to feel something but it only ended up hurting you. The absence was so excruciating that you wished someone had just stabbed a hole on your chest until you died.

You lost your sense of time. You stopped caring about your surroundings. Yourself.

You didn’t pay attention whether it was day or night.

The first time you got up from bed was when Kageyama had to leave for an official schedule. You didn’t know how many trainings he missed because he never left your side, but somehow you were glad to be left alone.

You haven’t really spoken to him except for the one-word responses you could give.

You just didn’t have the energy.

You were in a constant state of hollowness like you were continuously falling into a dark abyss.

That night, you hid yourself in the bathroom and cried to your heart’s content. You stayed there until you couldn’t cry anymore. Until you were exhausted.

6 months with your baby. Only 6 months but it would ruin you forever.

Had you waited 3 more months, you could have delivered him well. You didn’t care about what would happen to you. Your life didn’t matter half as much as his. You could die any minute, but your baby should have lived.

He should have lived.

———————————————————————

Tobio dropped every single thing he was holding as soon as he came back to see you on the bathroom floor.

His heart sank.

He sat on the floor next to you and pulled you to his chest, whispering how much he loved you and how everything would be okay.

He just wanted to take away all of your pain and pick up every piece of your brokenness just to see you whole again.

“We can still have another baby,” he tried to console you out of his purest intentions.

But it seemed to have snapped something else within you.

He watched you look up at him with anger in your eyes—anger he had never seen before.

“Don’t say we can have a new one like it’s that easy to replace him!” you yelled at his face, but he let you. “Y-You didn’t carry the baby for six months! You don’t know how it feels!”

“I lost a child, too!” The corner of his blue eyes started to moist. “I’m grieving, too...”

You closed your eyes and let your tears fall.

But Tobio kept his eyes on you, the same way he kept the pained expression on his face. “Every day I tell myself how worthless I am because I didn’t get to do anything to make him live. He’s my son, too. I’m hurting just as much as you, but if I don’t force myself to stay strong, who’s gonna be there for you?”

You hugged your knees as if it could help with the torment you were feeling.

He heaved a sigh of defeat before pressing a kiss on your temple. “I love you. We’re gonna get through this.”

———————————————————————

One night, Kageyama was surprised when he came back home to see Oikawa standing outside your apartment. The guy refused to knock or barge inside like he normally would.

He just stood there, head pressed against the door as he tried his best not to step inside.

“Do you...” Kageyama spoke, gaining the guy’s attention. “Do you wanna see her?”

Oikawa wiped his damp eyes before turning to face him. “I can’t. She needs the space right now.”

For the first time in his life, he agreed with him.

Even Tobio himself believed it was better to give you space, but he just couldn’t do it. He wanted to be around you and remind you that you had someone by your side. The worst feeling he could ever make you feel was that you had no one else. He knew how that felt and he didn’t want you to feel them.

He wanted you to know that he would never leave.

“Tobio.” Oikawa looked at him, somberly. “Don’t ever give up on her.”

He stood still. “I won’t.”

———————————————————————

At one point, you had to stop crying for Tobio’s sanity. He tried to do everything he could to make sure you didn’t feel worse than you already were.

It was just you who wanted to keep to yourself. Not even your closest friends had managed to see you because you didn’t want to see anyone. You hadn’t responded to Jina’s calls, Oikawa’s messages, and everyone else who had found out about the tragic news.

You didn’t want the sympathy. You didn’t want to be reminded of the emptiness inside you.

However, you did start to notice the weary look on Tobio’s face but he never, not once, complained. He had been very patient at taking care of you despite hurting on his own, too.

He did lose a child, just like you.

There was no single doubt that he loved your baby more than you could think of. Even if he tried to be strong, you knew that it killed him inside.

You were grateful that he was taking good care of you while you were mourning for your loss.

He made sure you never skipped meals even if you had no appetite. He made sure you always took a nice bath. He made sure you always slept warm. He was running on zero sleep just to take good care of you.

You could never hate him, despite the pain you had to go through while loving him. That wasn’t his fault.

“What’s on your mind?” Kageyama asked, resting himself on the bathtub as you leaned your back against his bare chest.

Even though the water was warm, your insides felt cold.

You closed your eyes, head resting on his shoulder. “I was so excited.”

His heartbeat was slow, but loud. “Me, too.”

“I wanted to see him grow,” you talked at a slow and calm manner. “I wanted to see his smile. I wanted to watch his first steps or hear his first word.”

Kageyama listened while wrapping his arms around you. You felt him press a light kiss on your shoulder.

“It was too soon,” you lamented. “It’s so unfair. They say everything happens for a reason, but... why this? Why take him?”

Your chest felt constricted.

Tobio had no answer because it was the same question he had asked himself, too. Of all the bad things in life, this was probably the worst experience he had ever had to go through. Not even the strongest and most resilient person could take all this pain.

At least, the comfort that you wanted to tell yourself was that your baby was an angel now. He was in good hands, away from this cruel world.

I’m sorry, you thought silently. I’m sorry that mommy failed you.

You already had no other tears left on your system, but the remaining warm tears you had still managed to leave the corner of your eyes.

You felt like giving up from this world.

“I-I don’t wanna live anymore,” you told him, earnestly. “I don’t have anything else to live for.”

The past 6 months gave you a sense of purpose because you knew you had to live and take care of yourself for your baby. You wanted to live to see him grow into a young man. To see your grandchildren.

But now, there was no purpose left.

“What about me?” Tobio asked, voice breaking.

You swallowed, hot tears on your eyes.

“You still have me. I’m always here,” he reminded, almost begging.

You didn’t have the strength to respond as you drowned on your own thoughts.

———————————————————————

More days have passed. Weeks have passed.

Eventually, Tobio had to get better for your sake. The pain would always be there inside him, but he had to regain his strength for you. He had to be strong to take all the burden off your chest.

To see you smile again.

He was happy when you finally went outside for the first time since the miscarriage.

And it was on the first snow of the year.

He took you out for a walk to the city to see all the holiday season decorations, the colorful Christmas lights, the happy children running around. It was supposed to be the happiest time of the year.

To you, it wasn’t.

“I talked to Jina on the phone this morning,” you said to him as you two walked through the Shinjuku garden.

He held your cold hand and placed it inside the pocket of his long coat. There was a reason why Jina couldn’t see you personally.

You took an abrupt stop. “She’s pregnant.”

Tobio could see the puff of air coming out of his icy breath. “I know.”

Jina didn’t want to hurt you after knowing about what happened. Kageyama already knew that she was pregnant and he was happy for them, however both him and Jina agreed that it wasn’t the best time to let you know about it.

Jina did try her best to check on you every single day because she was worried for your mental health, but she was devastated that she couldn’t see you.

“I’m happy for her,” you spoke, leaning on the barricade while overlooking the pond.

Kageyama turned to look at you. “We’ll have our turn—”

“It’s fine,” you answered quick. “I’m not bothered. I’ll accept this, this fate... eventually.”

He watched the expression on your face but he couldn’t find any hint of denial.

Your baby. Yours and his. Even though he had left this world, he would still remain in your hearts.

“We won’t forget about him,” he said, squeezing your hand. “Our first baby. He’ll always be with us.”

Your eyes became shiny. “I know.”

Kageyama wanted to tell you that he loved you and that he would continue loving you even if the entire world was against it. No matter what happened, he would always love you.

You sighed, looking at the sky.

“Some things are just not meant to be.”

———————————————————————

Kageyama used to love Away games because he loved the thrill of being in an opponent’s home court. There was a certain excitement in stepping inside a different zone—it required space familiarity and a strong analysis of the game, which were things that made him love his setter role. He loved doing things that required his knowledge.

However, he hated it now.

Away games meant he had to leave Tokyo. He had to leave you. The thing was, he asked you many times if you wanted to come with him.

You refused and told him that you just wanted to rest at home which, of course, he respected.

He was just extremely worried that you would do something harmful to yourself if he wasn’t around.

So putting his pride aside, he asked for Oikawa to keep an eye on you for the time being. He was the second closest person that you had and Tobio was confident that the guy would take good care of you while he was gone.

And when the team came back to Tokyo after 3 long days in Hiroshima, Kageyama was basically rushing his way back to you.

“Oi, don’t trip on your way back!” Hoshiumi yelled from the team’s bus.

Tobio didn’t care if he’d trip or stumble or whatever the hell would happen to him as long as he would see you again.

The three days were long enough to be away from you and he couldn’t wait any longer to hug you, kiss you, and tell you much he loved you because you were the only person he could ever think about.

Even if he lost his breath from all the running, he was satisfied as soon as he made it to your doorstep.

The lights were off when he came inside and he knew that it was usually the time where you would take your nap.

“Babe?” he called, placing his shoes on the side. Weird, because your shoes weren’t there.

In fact, most of your things were no longer there.

Tobio’s heart started beating so heavily.

He opened the lights to your bedroom and found a piece of paper on top of your bed. A single piece of paper that managed to frighten every bone in his body.

Tobio,

By the time you’re reading this, I’m probably already on my way to New York. I wanna say I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I just didn’t have the strength because I knew I would hold back if I did tell you that I was leaving. I’m very sorry. It took me long to come to this decision and I couldn’t back out.

But also, I want to thank you for everything. You are, and still will be, one of the reasons for my smile. You have been a great source of happiness for me for all the times we’ve been together. I consider myself very lucky to have had such good memories with you. You are the most amazing, most loving, and most handsome guy (arguably) in the entire universe. You made me feel like I was on top of the world whenever you looked at me and kissed me.

For the last 10 years, I have only ever loved you. This time, I wanna learn how to give that kind of love to myself, too. I want to find my own happiness and not seek them just from you. I want to find my new source of strength and be able to live in a place where pain and suffering will not reach me. That’s gonna be difficult, but just like my love for you, it’s worth the risk.

I hope you understand. Maybe someday we’ll meet again. Or maybe we’ll move on from our lives and never look back. Until then, take good care of yourself. Make sure you always wake up on time even when I’m no longer beside you.

I love you.

#tobio kageyama #kageyama tobio #tobio kageyama x reader #tobio kageyama x you #kageyama x reader #kageyama x you #kageyama angst #kageyama fic #kageyama #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fic #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyu #tw:miscarriage

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jomiddlemarch · 2 years

Text

slowly loosen knot by knot the strings

Like several other members of House Atreides, Jessica’s life was saved by a rainstorm.

That morning, day broke to darkness, the sky filled with heavy grey stormcloud from the cliffs to the distant line of the sea and Jessica had resigned herself to staying indoors, the forenoon spent in the still-room and the rest of the hours until she made an early supper with Leto occupied by a review of the various familial translations of the Oresteia, her feet on a cassock and a pillow tucked at the small of her back, instead of hours tending her kitchen-garden interrupted only by Paul’s nursemaid bringing him to her to suckle in the sunshine. He was fourteen months old now and beginning to take the traditional dulce gruel every child of Caladan ate first after mother’s milk, though he’d made his distaste for it clear, but was still baby enough to need to nurse throughout the day, even if he slept through the nights. He was old enough to be weaned when his second sister Imogen was born to fulfil Jessica’s duty to the Bene Gesserit. The first pregnancy of a girlchild she’d lost just after she’d been able to confirm it but she had no reason to expect anything untoward this time, past quickening and with no troublesome symptoms other than a desire for a spiced melon conserve restricted to the Imperial Court menu.

If it had been sunny, she would have died, hemorrhaging to death among the herbs, the rich earth of Caladan eagerly soaking up her lifesblood, the robust rosemary and lavender and hyssop concealing her collapse. If it had been sunny, it would have been too late when the maid found her and shrieked in alarm, too late for young Dr. Yueh or stout midwife Bia to save her, to do anything other than bathe her and lay her out for Leto to bless, something fundamental broken in him, before she was placed in her own small cairn. It rained, a hard, heavy lashing the castle had been built to withstand, and the scrubbed stone floors of the library showed the first vivid stain of the bleeding that soaked her hem. When she was found, it was old Marsail who called her name and stanched the blood with her long linen apron long enough for Jessica to be brought to her bed and the doctor and midwife rushed from their other business to the critical matter of keeping the Duke’s Lady alive.

They roused her from her faint with the burning salts, though she was still dazed, only dimly aware of what they did while she felt the tempting pull to darkness and the occasional murderous strike of pain in her belly. Leto came in at some point, because she heard his voice murmuring encouragement and exhortation in the quiet, urgent manner he used when he was unwilling to lose, and she felt his hand on her shoulder and then her cheek, but she couldn’t make out the expression on his face for the shadows in her own vision. It seemed an endless time and only seconds since she’d fallen in the library; she was unable to mark the length between her moans and the doctor saying the baby I cannot, Leto cursing roughly Acheron á Acheron, and then calling out Bring him! as Jessica felt herself drifting, drowning.

It was Paul’s cry that stopped her. Leto held him, too tightly, close to her face so she would hear, but Paul was loud, hungry and frightened, shrieking and then insistent, desolate, calling mam mama’ which he learned first despite what she’d told Leto the day Paul said Papou. She struggled to open her eyes and heard Bia saying it’s too much blood too much and then Leto thrust Paul at her chest, yanking down the neck of her chemise so their son could nurse, a last, desperate attempt to force her back to life. Bia’s hands were on her belly as Paul sucked, a terrible spasm gripping Jessica’s womb and then Dr. Yueh’s voice muttering it’s slowing, milord. She felt Paul’s small hand laid against her breast, warm where she was cold, his breath evening out as he swallowed; she felt how Imogen was gone, a candle blown, and she could not yet allow any grief for their daughter.

Her recovery was slow, in inverse proportion to the rapidity of her near-death. The kitchens were tasked with creating all manner of possets and puddings to help her regain her strength and the Duke’s spiritual adviser, whom Leto generally left to his own devices, led the household in a prayer of restoration, burning a nosegay of the hyssop and rosemary she had thought to prune back that lethal afternoon. Paul learned a dozen new words a week and she began to teach him to sign when he became restive on her lap, jostling the bed and rumpling the bedlinens. An emissary of the Bene Gesserit sent a recording of the Sisters in meditation and reminded Jessica that her duty awaited her with her eventual return to health. Leto came and sat with her for an hour before their evening meal and held her in his arms every night, his hand over her heart and would not sleep otherwise.

“Dr. Yueh and Bia agree after my next cycle, we may be together again,” Jessica said on a winter afternoon when night had begun its early encroachment and the rain pelting the windows was more ice than water. Leto took another sip from his glass of clove rakomelo before he spoke.

“To what end? Your pleasure or a child?”

“Both, I hope,” she said.

“No,” he said. He set down the glass on the table beside him and let his hands rest in the vee of his thighs, where he was wont to ask her to sit, her back against his bare chest, those same hands with their square palms and the great seal of the House stroking her hips, the soft swell of her belly.

It occurred to her that it was the first time he had chosen to deny her since they had been bound.

“No? I don’t understand,” she said.

“I will do whatever you ask of me for your satisfaction, Jessica, but I will not get you with child again,” he said. He spoke with the earnestness of a young man. She could almost forget he was twenty years her senior, as far from naiveté as Caladan from Arrakis.

“But I am your concubine, that is my duty, to you and to the House of Atreides,” she replied. “To give you healthy heirs, to strengthen the House. Surely—”

“I don’t care about your duty, I care about your life,” he snapped, angry as he’d never been with her. “I care that my son has a mother—”

“So it is for Paul you would do this,” she said, shrugging a little. He reached over and took her hand in his grasp, held her tightly. If she wore his ring, it would be cutting into her skin, the great cabochon emerald smooth against his palm.

“Not for Paul alone, though I would not be a good father to him, nor a good Duke, if I did not consider him,” Leto said. “I could not bear it, to risk your life, to lose you—”

“There’s no reason to worry it would happen again,” she said, but she heard how uncertain she sounded, how much like the novice she had once been, her black coif a weight across her shoulders. She thought how easily she had lost the first girl and how hard it had been to lose Imogen, who Marsail had told her later had never drawn breath, nor opened her eyes; she thought how surprised she had been both times and how many little stones there were among the Atreides cairns, how many lost children.

“There’s no reason to think it wouldn’t,” Leto said. “Jessica, I have been in battle, I have led my men into combat and not counted our odds much, even with Halleck at my right hand to wield as an axe, and it was less brutal than watching you suffer—there was so much blood, Jessica, you were so close to dying, I wasn’t even sure you’d come back when you heard Paul. When I put him to your breast, I thought even that might not be enough, that it was too late—”

“I’m sorry,” she said. The words felt very small in her mouth as she spoke and then when she looked into his beautiful dark eyes, saw the working of his mouth, imagined his kiss only ever in the service of their shared pleasure. It was something she could envision for herself, except for the Sisterhood and her oath; she had told herself it was all right to bear a son for Leto first, a son who might be all that was necessary for the House and the Bene Gesserit, if she fulfilled her vow and gave her Duke a daughter, the bargaining chip he’d never asked for, the penultimate ancestor for the Sisterhood to accomplish their centuries-long quest. If there was only ever to be Paul, how would she answer when the Reverend Mother inquired why? Would the House of Atreides be enough to keep her son safe if the Bene Gesserit felt he stood in their way? Her own life was a coin to be spent by the Bene Gesserit and they would not look kindly on her for withholding it.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Leo said. “But I will not travel that road again, not if I can prevent it.”

“And if I want another child?” she asked, unable to keep herself from pressing, even though she knew what it meant to him, what he’d said, what he’d done. The nights she woke to feel him clutching her, his tears on her shoulder, soaking through her nightrail.

“Then you must leave Caladan or I must die,” he said. “For no man who answers to the Duke of Atreides would bed you, even if the binding allowed you to conceive with anyone other than you bondmate. We have had honesty between us from the first, when there was nothing else. If you would seek to deceive me through your Bene Gesserit ways, I must cast you out and you will never see Paul again—”

“No,” she said quickly. “I would not. I won’t. But I can’t help wondering, if what I have given you is enough—you may re-evaluate, decide you need another child, daughters to marry into the other Houses, brothers to stand beside Paul—”

“Paul is enough for me,” Leto said.

“For you, perhaps. But the House of Atreides—”

“I am the House of Atreides, neshama,” he said, the flat finality of his tone softened at the end with that ancient endearment, that he’d whispered to her the first night he’d brought her to breathless joy in his embrace, weeks after she had lain in his arms as his concubine, the first night she had ever been Jessica with him.

“And if it should still happen, after we lie together? That I conceive again?” she asked. She needed him to accept what he required of her, what his demand meant.

“Then you will see that you are made safe,” he said. “The day that you are aware you are two, that you must become one. That is what I am asking you, telling you. If all precautions fail, you must see to it. Paul will be the only child of our union, the twenty-first Duke of Atreides. There will not be another, no second son and no daughter of the House of Atreides on Caladan.”

Fourteen years later, after Leto told her about the Emperor’s order, the inescapable assignment, exile, on Arrakis, Jessica remembered his words. She considered what he had said and how he had looked when he said Dune, too astute to see the transfer intended as anything other than a death sentence. And she thought of how young Paul still was, untested, how great his potential and how little weight the Sisterhood would give to it. She thought of her son without his father, without his House, and she knew what she could do, what she might offer up for a chance to save him. She knew Leto, walking through Castle Caladan with his own death at his back, would not be angry, not now, and she drew him down to her while the tide came in and it rained through the night, she drew him close to her and urged him on, his beard rough against her throat, and conceived their third daughter. She would wait until Arrakis to decide on a name and whether she would need to tell Leto, whose arm wrapped around her in their desert retreat, his hand resting on her belly, as near as he could be to his last child.

#dune #dune 2021 #jessica/leto #romance #angst #tw:pregnancy loss #tw:miscarriage #paul atreides #bene gesserit #lady jessica #making jessica's choices make sense #a fanfic at a time #family #house of atreides #invented my own curse words #my House of Atreides is part Greek and part Scottish #paul's sisters #neshama means 'my soul'#breastfeeding

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