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bloogers-boogers · 5 months

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I was thinking of an au where Craig calls Cartman for help during a really bad breakup with Tweek. He asks him to help him get Tweek back and Cartman couldn't find himself to say no (+plus something for exchange) so he ends up suggesting something very basic as making Tweek jealous. Initially, Cartman thought he had everthing calculated until both him and Craig figure out that the both "boyfriend" candidates weren't willing to do the job not even for cash.

So they were left with no more options. However while Cartman was thinking for another solution Craig suggests him to be his boyfriend which leaves Cartman both in shocked and in a panic.

"Dude I'm not dating you! What makes you think I'd do that? I would not hear the end of this with my friends!"

"It's just for the month or until Tweek snaps! Stop being such an asshole. I'm also putting my reputation at point by dating you."

So after a bunch of talking (negotiating) Cartman ends up agreeing to do this. Monday hits and they start settling the plan by snooping around and making Clyde their primary target, making him suspicious and eventually discovering the two snuggling behind some bushes.

And lord an behold, next day everyone had their eyes on them. Whispering, gossiping, giving them the eyes, some looked concerned. But most importantly, they succeeded for the rumor to spread of their so called "secret" relationship.

Some of the girls whispered about feeling bad for Tweek as he entered and walked furious through the hallway.

Tweek eventually find Stan and Kyle, and straight up goes twoards them.

"Is it true?"

"Hey, Tweek. What's up?" Stan asks, clearly aware of the issue but was too awkward to add anything more.

"Is it true?" Tweek repeatedly said more sternly.

"Dude, be smart. It's probably some scheme Cartman is doing," Kyle spoke after brief seconds, "I just can't point out what he'd gain from this..." he added lastly before his eyes darted away from Tweek's, seemingly in thought.

"I figured. My Craig would never go that low".

And after that last thing said the devil was summoned. And Cartman had approached the three with a 'innocent' smile.

"Hey, broships.

Tweek." He seethed out the blonds name. Already taking note of the other's furious appearance.

Seconds after Tweek grabs him from his coat and slams him harshly against the lockers; startling everyone there and ofcourse Cartman. Who cursed out loud because of the impact on his back.

It was quite a sight for the students that they started forming a circle around them.

"WHY ARE YOU SPREADING FALSE RUMORS OF YOU AND CRAIG BEING A COUPLE?!"

"They're not false, Tweek." A nonchalant but familiar voice chimes in making the blond gasp silently as he kept his eyes still on the brunette. "We're dating.

Are you okay, Eric?"

The other students gasped, Stan and Kyle were left speechless. Mostly Kyle who watched in disbelief at Craig and then looked at Cartman for any left affirmation of this but the brunette was too focus on getting loose from Tweeks grip to even notice.

"Do I look okay?! Get this bitch off me!!" Cartman screamed annoyed as Tweek let go.

He gave one look at Craig before marching to class without a word said leaving everyone else watching. Again, except for Kyle who still remained looking at Cartman with a open mouth and a shocked expression.

The bell rang and this was Craig's signal to grab Cartman's hand and drag him away from the others. As the students disperse different ways and head to their respective classrooms.

At class Craig was second doubting about the whole thing, a little anxious and wondering if Tweek would ever forgive him after he tells him this is all some set up to get back with him. But what's done is done, and he has to follow through with it.

Eventually lunch time came along and he and Cartman sat in a table apart from others they use this as an opportunity to talk about their situation and the responses of their peers; mostly close friends and ofcourse Tweek's.

Craig was pleased to hear that Cartman was told by Kenny about how Tweek started questioning further about them during forth period mostly interrogating Stan and Kyle as if he suspected them to know more considering they're close friends with Cartman. However they had nothing and Kyle was skeptical and still unsure about the whole relationship thing aswell.

Speaking of Kyle, he waited at last period outside Craig's classroom and the moment he had come out from class Kyle yanked his arm and dragged him away from the crowd of students, not leaving him to process anything of what was going on.

Craig looked at him confused as the redhead checked that no one was around before speaking up.

"What did Cartman get you into? Is he blackmailing you? Is he forcing you to do this?" Kyle began rambling about Cartman typical ways and that he'd understood if he were being blackmailed by Cartman and that he could help him get out from it if he told him the truth.

All of this talking was beginning to overwhelm Craig and he didn't know why it surprised him that Kyle would come his way just to prevent something involving Cartman when both of them are obsessed in some way with each other. It isn't new to him neither to the rest of the school or town.

"Dude, shut up already. I'm not being manipulated, blackmail neither 'threatened' by Cartman," he hold back as he made sure to sound and look convincing to Kyle.

Kyle on the other hand was giving him these strong vibes, Craig just couldn't tell what it was but his stare was intensely focused on him and he was feeling uncomfortable. Normally he doesn't usually speak with any of these assholes aside from Kenny's and sometimes Cartman so he figured that must've been it. The abruptness of the whole thing and who it was.

"I really like Eric," he frowned with uncertainty, it feels so wrong to say that when he was thinking of Tweek. But he must sound believable.

Kyle frowned disappointed with the answer and began looking at him from feet to head as if he was trying so hard to find something on him.

And a couple of minutes an another ramble about not trusting Cartman blah blah blah, the redhead finished off with giving him a warning and to be cautious. Also call him if anything, which Craig just sighed annoyed once he was out of sight.

"Dude, I just got a 10 hr lecture from Kyle," he spat annoyed as he entered the other's home.

They had agree on coming to Cartman's house every day after school to discuss their progress. However Craig was annoyingly frustrated because their plan never had a added bonus of having to deal with some paranoid motherfucker.

Cartman was in his couch writing down who knows what in some notebook.

"Yeah, that's normal. Just ignore him everytime he tries to approach you with something," Cartman just answers so casually and unfazed by it as he continued writing in the notebook.

"So what, I'll just have to deal with that? The hell, fatboy? How do I get him to leave me alone!"

Cartman just laughed, "He won't leave you alone, you'll just have to deal with him until all of this ends."

"I don't want to deal with him! I only want to be focused on Tweek not worry for my next 10 hr lecture."

"Yeah, well. What do you want me to say? Kyle has always been like that ever since I dated Heidi. Get over it and ignore him, cause he'll do anything to keep anyone from getting close to me. Something about it never ending healthy, me being unworthy, heartless all that shit that's link to being a monster or whatever," Cartman finally put his pencil aside and passed him the notebook. Gesturing for he to read it.

Craig didn't until he was given some answer to get Kyle to leave him alone.

"Don't you think that's a little excessive even for you? Like, yeah you're and asshole and shit, no one really SHOULD get with you but that isn't really his business or no one else's but yours."

Cartman paused as he looked around seemingly in thought before shrugging. "Can't stop the ginger."

Craig frowned and got tired of insisting, dropping the whole subject taking account that Cartman didn't seem bothered by it or remotely interested of preventing Kyle from getting involved.

He looked at the notebook in hand and Cartman explained to him that they were instructions of how their "relationship" was gonna work from now on. Gestures, compliments, cheek kisses a peck on the mouth goodbye and in extremes cases a genuine kiss with tongue.

Craig wondered if it truly was worth it when firstly Tweek was giving him the cold shoulder and two, KYLE.

Two weeks in it was either being bluntly ignored by Tweek (worse if they accidentally bump into eachother Tweek would glare at him) or Kyle pestering about how he should reconsider the class of guy he’s with and to break up with him already. Even though Cartman surprisingly has been following the rules he had made to a tee. So he was being a "good" boyfriend infront of everyone.

"I'm telling you it's all an act. Cartman wants something I can feel it! You really shouldn't trust him, Craig. Besides don't you still have feelings for Tweek?"

'God this loser' Craig thought as he closed his locker and continued walking, trying to mind his own damn business.

"Kyle, for the millionth time. I'm not breaking up with Eric. So just stop insisting on breaking my relationship with him cause it's not happening."

Kyle reaction this time was very diffrent from the other confrontations they've had. This time his face was red as if he was embarrassed and he seem sad for a second before he covered it up with a scowl, "I'm not trying to force you to break up with him! I just THINK you should reconsider it. He doesn't even fit the type of guys you're interested in!"

Craig arched a brow to that, "and what exactly is my type?"

"I don't know, blonds?"

Craig huffed, "Dude why does it matter so much to you? Just let it be. If he does something then I'll handle it on my own, that's my problem not yours!"

He was about to walk off but he stopped when Kyle snapped at him, "WHAT DO YOU EVEN LIKE ABOUT HIM?! What was it that got you to look at him and say to yourself 'fuck I want his fatass'! Cause Cartman has done nothing to you for you to like him! Look at him or touch him! So why do you like him?!" it startled the shit out of him he stood still now looking at the fuming redhead, "he's a narcissistic bigoted piece of shit who belittles people for fun and a freaking racist! What's so charming about that? Why put yourself with a person you know isn't good for you! Is it some challenge for you? Are you challenging yourself to change Cartman?? Cause fuck you! He won't!"

"Dude. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Craig spat in disbelief. Kyle scoffed dryly before silently stomping away in defeat.

Maybe he finally realized how crazy he sounded.

A day after Cartman enters his room with out notice, taking him off guard while changing clothes.

"THE FUCK DUDE?!"

Cartman sat on his desk chair, "Kyle knows." He spat casually as he checks his nails.

"WHAT."

"Yeah I told him yesterday."

"Why the hell would you tell him?!"

"Cause he wasn't leaving me alone about it," Cartman shrugged as it his reasons were obvious.

"Dude you said we couldn't tell anyone and that 'Kyle does it all the time, get over yourself and ignore him' !!"

"I never said I would. Don't trip, Kyle won't say anything," he shrugged it off with his hand, "also that's not why I'm here for."

Craig arched a brow confused as he zipped his pants up.

"Kyle told me something interesting yesterday about Tweek. You're welcome btw, cause if I hadn't told Kyle about this you wouldn't be getting this information at all, but whatever I guess.

Anyways, Tweek is planning to talk to you on Friday so don't mess it up."

"Wait, why all of the sudden?"

"I dunno man, jesus, that's what Kyle overheard during P.E. but if you want to know more about it, you can ask Tolkien. Cause that's who Tweek was talking with."

Craig bit his lip contemplating it but denied with his head, "nah, I'll just wait till Friday and find out from Tweek."

Cartman groaned annoyed, "you're so boring and plain no wonder Tweek broke up with you in the first place."

"Tweek broke up with me because I have problems communicating atleast that's what he says I do."

"Uhuh. He does got a point, cause you suck."

"Can you get out of my house already!"

It was Wednesday and he can for sure tell Kyle was no longer gonna be a problem for him, not even a glance his way since he arrived to school; like how it normally was before he announced "dating" Cartman. Well atleast the first few periods, lunch time however Cartman decided to sit with his friends and Kyle look his way for a few seconds before returning his attention on Stan.

He sighed relieved that he no longer had to deal with all of that.

And after what feels like an eternity he finally was able to sit with his friends without feeling uncomfortable around Tweek. He was still ignoring him and was sitting right next to Tolkien but not much drama aside from Clyde's typical gossip.

He couldn't help but take sneak glances at Tweek. His blond locks, pale skin, he even missed seeing those dark eye circles on his beautiful face. He wants to plant plenty of kisses in ever corner and inch of it.

"So, how things with Cartman?" Tolkien asked.

Craig scoffed awkwardly before taking a sip from his soda, "normal I guess?"

"This time you guys didn't sit together?"

"We don't always have to be stuck to the side of the other every hour of every day. I missed hanging out with you guys and he apparently missed hanging out with his friends. Nothing serious."

"You and Tweek always were," Clyde added with not much thought, Jimmy just smacked the back of his head with one of his crutches, "OW!"

"No we weren't, ngh!" Tweek spat defensive. Finally he spoke.

It's been awhile since Craig heard Tweek speak and honestly he could hear him for hours.

But in reality they did. They were very codependent with the other, not that it was toxic in a way but there were moments when he did feel suffocated by Tweek's panic attacks or him being too clingy. He no longer felt like he could asked for space cause that also made Tweek worry.

Craig knew well enough that Tweek knew that, it's not like he hasn't pointed it out before. So it doesn't faze him to see Tweek react that way, he's was always insecure about and tried working on it but he just made it worse by calling him at nights and asking him "was I being too much today?" So yeah, Clyde definitely hit a nerve right there.

And honestly he feels like he was about to hit a few more just to see his reaction.

"Eric isn't the type to stay too long in the same spot with the same person. You'd think someone as clingy like Eric would want to spend hours with you but he's always finding excuses to hang out with his friends or gets easily distracted with something else so I let this one slide because I felt bad."

"Sounds like he's avoiding spending time with you," Tweek spat dryly while poking at his tray.

Craig would smile widely because Tweek had spoken with him if it were that he has to remind himself that they were broken up and he was currently in a relationship with someone else.

"No. I just noticed that pattern with everyone he interacts with, it's like he's always trying to discover something new or get into some wacky adventure."

"You really must like him to notice that," Clyde added with interest, "first time we've heard you talk about a attribute of Cartman in that way."

Craig arched a brow confused, he actually thought he was playing pretty well the roll of boyfriend but maybe in speaking volumes he was never the best at. Even if this was fake.

In reality he just sucked in expressing himself.

"Yeah. This is all new to me y'know, it feels nice to have some freedom in a relationship for once."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Tweek scowled as he looked up at Craig.

Yeah, he definitely hit the nail on this one.

"Nothing."

Thursday morning was like a breeze, the only odd thing about it was that Cartman wasn't too interesting in displaying much of their "couple" act. He claimed he was feeling something was gonna happen tomorrow and that it would finally end this facade once and for all, so he felt there was no need to continue proving people they were a couple when they already seemed convinced anyways. Also he noticed he kept giving glances at Kyle when he held his hand or place a small kiss on his cheek and he didn't kiss him on the lips goodbye either like the previous times. This time he only planted a kiss on his forehead with a hop and left the scene quickly.

Finally friday morning, and now unlike the other two days he was starting to feel the weight of the whole situation. He was dying to know what Tweek had to say or if he was still planning to talk with him after what happened on Wednesday. Still, he was nervous.

He sat in his desk and place his hand on each side of his head looking down while trying to reassure himself everthing would be fine.

He looked up and was surprised to be greeted by Kyle who was holding on to his backpack strap.

"Just making sure, but after you and Tweek talk things out today you and Cartman are gonna end this whole dating thing right?"

"Yes...?"

"Even If it's not what you expect it to be. Like getting back together, you'll leave Cartman out of this?"

"Why should that matter?"

"Because it does. It's clear it wouldn't matter if you continue 'dating' Cartman so why drag him with you. If things with Tweek doesn't work out in the end then you should just learn to move on and let Tweek do the same. Even if it hurts."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because-"

"Kyle!" Cartman sprinted inside the classroom and grabbed the redhead's arm, glaringly, then looks at Craig, "seems you're getting ready for the big day huh."

Kyle glared back at Cartman but rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Aren't you supposed to be heading to your class, fatass."

"I was until I saw you talking with Craig and I don't want you running your mouth for everyone to hear."

"I wasn't planning to say shit," Kyle then yanked his arm away from him, "and let go of me!"

Kyle walked towards his desk and sat down.

"Whatever he told you it's a lie," Cartman spat out.

"He didn't tell me anything?"

"Are you prepared for what you're gonna say to Tweek ?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well duh? What are you planning to tell him if he asks you to take him back?"

"Yes?"

"That's it?"

"Yeah? What's wrong with that?"

"Dude, you're so dry! You need to make sure you're prepared for any question asked, what if he doesn't even want to talk about your relationship? What if it's something else? What then huh?"

Craig didn't consider that as a possibility, being that there's nothing left about them besides their previous relationship. So what if Cartman is right? What if Tweek isn't gonna speak with him over their breakup? What then... what would he speak to him about?

And thats all i have! This is literally the creek/kyman au i mentioned u guys previously i wanted to post it before it gets forgotten in my drafts, i would love for your opinions on this concept 😭

#south park #eric cartman #craig tucker #tweak tweek #kyle broflovski #sp creek #kyman

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