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As requested!

The video! Didn’t get much of what happened afterwards. 😂

Shout out to my man @manicmidget for hitting me! You’re the best babe! 😘

Song playing in the beginning is Rehab by King of Tweakers.

Reblog! Reblog! Reblog!

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50 days clean from all substances

My emotions are prominent and at times, debilitating. This is around the time I pick up drugs to deal with the anxiety that plagues my soul at every waking moment of every single moment of every single day. I don’t know how to go through my feelings, so I usually go around them. I want this time to be different.

As uncomfortable as the flashbacks are, I want to learn how to live with them. As uncomfortable as my racing heart pounds, I want to learn how to take a deep breath and calm myself. As loud as the voice in my head shouts, I want to learn how to talk back; learn how to hush the voice that tells me I am nothing.

I’ve never been clean past 90 days. I’ve never done this without marijuana, either. I’ve never done this on my own, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I CANNOT fight this on my own. I have a therapist. I’m graduating phase 1 of the Kaiser program in 3 days. I’m progressing in outpatient treatment and I feel so fucking proud.

This shit isn’t easy and I always forget to give myself credit. I tend to put myself down. I tell myself that I’m a fuck up and that I’m worth nothing. I tell myself I can never be truly sober. But guess what? I’m doing it. I started this journey 2 fucking years ago and I’m STILL doing it. I’m still trying.

I’ll never stop trying. I can promise you that.

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Old ass CZ 52 that’s beat up but functional and a Canik TP9SF with a extended mag and a laser. It’s a fucking shame that people behave in a manner that makes carrying shit like this necessary. I’m a very chill and peaceloving person who promotes nonviolence and good vibes, but people fucking trip anyway. I don’t get it…we should all do our part to take the sketchiness out of drug culture and make this lifestyle great again…or at least not so grimy.

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The Longest Road To Nowhere

So I made a lot of problems for myself over the last few weeks since I last posted, made a few honest attempts at killing myself that just didn’t turn out being all that successful, and I also made a lot of progress in making my transition to being normal and less criminal. My goals are now back to being a civilian with a 9 to 5 that doesn’t pay enough and an apartment that is overpriced and undersized, to be happy just to be alive and have a place of my own where my belongings won’t get stolen if they aren’t constantly being packed around on my persons in a backpack. Death is no longer my goal, because as beautiful as Oblivion sounds, it’s just not my time to go I guess, and it’s not my place to inflict any sort of trauma on the people who love me by removing myself from the equation, that just wouldn’t be fair. I will continue to try and make improvements, fight through the growing pains that I’m experiencing in my life, fight through the grieving process of losing my sister, Grandpa, and so many other friends that I unknowingly grew attached to and relied on to help navigate me through this journey I’m on. I can’t let this break me down, derail me on my path to finally find some sort of inner peace. I’ve already had my whole world turned upside down, been to rock bottom and fell down a hole in the floor there and found a whole new sort of Hell, and I still managed to take that bitch over and now reside on the throne. So, why stop here? The only answer I can say with any self respect is that I can’t stop, I have to win this one. This one is for my sister, I will strive to live the life that we used to talk about while we were just trying to survive the battle with our demons. The Better Tomorrow will be mine, and through me it will be my sister’s as well. She deserved it more than me but never got the chance to get there, but I will carry out our mission so on the freak chance that she can look down on me, she can live it through my eyes. Sorry I was gone for so long, I just had to figure some shit out.

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you know how when her dopesick you gotta shit sooooo bad?

well, when youre not dopesick/did a shot a few hours ago it’s REALLY hard to shit.

and when yer girlfriend doesn’t know you get high, and you don’t wanna shoot up anymore, you gotta boof it.

and that means clearing out yer butthole, and getting all that shit out… this is the real struggle.

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