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Migraine go away, I need to write. I am having my OMG Ryan is leaving and it sucks crisis again. I need to write out my Ryan is leaving pain… by writing all the happy ending robron possible. For the foreseeable.

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i’m having a hard time. believing i deserve anything anymore. and not in the end of the world but in the why can’t i do anything right kind of way because. in the span of twenty-fours. i have had pointed out twelve things i screwed up and should do better. twelve things that i won’t list because that’s oversharing and i don’t want to screw that up too. i try so hard and it has never been enough where it mattered. it was never enough to go to my dream school, get good grades, score well on my act, score well on the ap exams, keep my room clean, keep up with practices, not miss opportunities and i’m just so tired. being reminded of how mediocre i am because i know. it’s been the only constant in my life of inconsistency for the past four years of my life and i know that i’m incompetent into being the perfect daughter but i have been trying for so long and i have absolutely nothing to show for it. my own mother has lost her trust and faith and belief in me and i don’t even know why. i feel guilty for wanting to finally be on my own and i feel guilty that i can’t be a proper example of good enough. and when i spend twenty minutes in the car crying to my mother and apologizing and it’s brushed off and suddenly the conversation is dissolved with no proper conclusion i. can only sit here and hope i change. because i don’t know how long i can handle this. because while i sit here and drown, life is pushing me down and it’s getting so fucking hard to get back up.

but i can’t tell her that. if i do she’ll blame herself and i don’t want her to feel the way that i feel.

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Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I’m still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You’re the one that I love

And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you

Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something

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Why do I only catch the spelling and grammar mistakes in my posts AFTER they´ve been reblogged?!

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you know what ill just let everyone walk all over me for the rest of my life cause every little thing i do is an issue so ill be a doormat so everyone will feel better. i know nobody cares about me, and nobody ever will.

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My coworker just gave me 3 bars of Xanax for my birthday and I’m cryinggggg. I’m leaving my job on the 28th & I’m gonna miss him so much 😭

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I will be able to wake up in my own home, and I will look up at the ceiling, see the way the morning light streams through the blinds on my windows, and I will be able to calmly smile to myself because I know that I am finally myself in a place where I am safe and free to do so.

I will be able to look the way I want, with as many or as little body modifications as I see fit, hair as long or short as I want, clothes as colorful or as drab or as showy or as modest as I like.

I will be able to spend my own money how I want, without having to buy things that I have been pressured to and instead on things I actually want or need.

I will be able to listen to and watch what I want, without the guilt and fear of being caught enjoying something I love.

I will be able to do what I want with who I want, however long I like, doing whatever strikes our fancy, without asking anyone to change how they look or dress or speak or feel to meet the tastes of my family.

I will be able to enjoy life without feeling ashamed for existing the way I do.

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Was SOO close to ordering junk while playing board game even tho I prepared myself carrot sticks :( but I managed to be strong. Still so hungry. I think I’m starting PMS. I really wanted that sandwich hahah and now I stopped smoking and stopped with coffee on the day of my pms… rip my close ones 😂😅 kidding. But damn. Cravings hitting me hard. Gonna buy some nectarines tomorrow

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