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#ugh I don't know
kingflups · 1 month
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I've been stuck thinking about when I asked my mom to teach me to play the guitar lately. It's a bit of a bummer
My mom plays guitar. Has ever since she was little. My grandfather was quite the musician and taught her how to play. He went dancing all the time with my grandmother, sang in bands, loved live music and was super supportive of music in general. Or so I'm told. I didn't see my extended family often. One time he found a crazy cheap trumpet at an auction and gave it to me because I played the trombone and he thought I'd like it (I did, even if the thing was in too bad of shape to really play) My mom was the same way. In theory.
I asked my mom all the time to teach me guitar, and each time she blew it off or told me later until I physically sat her down one day, put a guitar in her hand and grabbed one of her spares. And she just. refused to teach me.
She taught me one chord, one she said didn't know the name of because she taught herself. I could read her notes. That wasn't true. And then she left me in the room for what must have been an hour, alone, after explaining all of the guitar to me for maybe a minute. I knew she didn't show me anything, not really. I was in music classes at the time; I played trombone and sang in choir. This was the one thing I kept asking my mom because she loved music and I wanted to be able to play it with her, and she didn't even spare me a minute
I don't know. She plays professionally now. Quit her job and now she plays at local venues, typically for older folks. I don't know if she's hyping up how big of venues- I moved far away from home as soon as I could. But I know she's making money.
Sometimes she asks if I'll come sing with her
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spikeisawesome456 · 1 year
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I don’t tend to post personal things here, but I honestly don’t know where else to post this, since I don’t want to bother my friends with this all, nor do I want to bother my family, so please bare with me as I get everything off my chest. Feel free to ignore this if you want, it’s just a personal ramble about everything happening in my life, but if anyone has any advice or words of comfort, they would be appreciated.
Just a warning, this is long and rambling, so... be warned. I tried to add context, but it's a lot, oof.
So, as I stated here a few days ago, I just turned 25. And since then, everything seems to have taken a downhill tail spin to hell. Literally the night of my birthday, my dad’s appendix burst and we had to wait almost sixteen hours before it was finally dealt with. We didn’t even know what was wrong for about seven of those hours, since the hospital was hellishly crowded. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to lose my dad, who I am very close with and who does a lot for me with my various problems with anxiety and whatnot. Without him, I’d be literally lost.
Anyway, he made it through the surgery fine, but now he’s having problems with his throat and he has a cold, which is terrifying after he just went through surgery and we don’t know if it’s a major problem or something common. His doctors don’t seem super concerned now, but they’ve said if it gets worse that it could be a problem, and now I’m terrified that it will get worse.
On top of all of that, my daily life is still going on. I’m currently in grad school to get my master’s in educational counseling to hopefully become a school counselor, and I have an internship at a middle school that I have to get up early for, something I’ve not done since I middle school myself (since I had such bad anxiety in 8th grade that I developed migraines and was unable to wake up early without pain). I’ve gotten better over the years and have been waking up these past few weeks without any complications, but it’s exhausting me, especially since I’m still working part time after the internship as an after school teacher. I’m waking up at 6:35 am and am going straight through to 6:00 pm with only a half hour car ride as a break (which luckily I am a passenger for, since I don’t have a driver’s license and my dad drives me. Another thing he does for me that I’d be lost without him for).
And then, to put more complications on top of this all, my coworker is upset with me for something I can’t really change, since I’m just trying to do my job. She’s upset with me since I am fairly confident with the kids and with my role at the job, so I tend to answer the kids when they ask questions and am confident with how the program is run, since I’ve worked for the company for almost five years and have worked at this site specifically for almost two. She’s upset with me since she thinks the kids don’t respect her since I counter what she says, even though I don’t try to? I literally am just answering the kids’ questions and am doing what I’ve been told to do by our supervisor, but I guess she told the kids something that isn’t how our supervisor does things, and is upset about it? I don’t know, I’m not explaining it all right since I’m so upset by everything. I think she wants the kids to respect her more and I go against the things she says, but a lot of the things she says are wrong and even the kids sometimes know she’s wrong! She doesn’t even know the name of our set of rules, even though they’re the same at all the sites, we say them literally EVERY SINGLE DAY, and she’s been working for the company a little longer than I have! She worked with my brother back when he worked for my company, even! And she’s much older than me, at least in her mid 30’s! I just…
I don’t know. I’m so stressed about everything and I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m so stressed out and scared. I’m 25 now but I still feel like I’m a child. My internship is at a middle school and half the time I still feel like I’m one of them, struggling just to survive day to day. I literally had a kid come in today with a similar problem that I’m dealing with with my coworker, and I’m just like… what can I even do? I told my supervisor about everything, but now I’m terrified that she’s going to be upset with me over bothering her over text at 9:00 at night when she’s pregnant and sick, even though when she replied she didn’t say anything to indicate that she’s upset with me.
I don’t know what to do, but I can’t take time off to cope because there is so much I have to do. I need to get 300 hours minimum at my internship, and then I need to find another internship and get another 300 hours, and I have to finish my degree by June 2024, otherwise my degree is useless since my university “terminated” my program (DON’T even ask, that’s another problem that’s too complicated to explain), and while that seems like a long time, that’s only two more school semesters after this one. And I got lucky with this internship since one of my adjunct professors needed an intern and his school was close enough to where I live, so I’ve never had to do the whole “find your own internship” thing, which apparently my college makes us do, since my college sucks. I’m also needed at work, since my other coworker has been sick this week, and my supervisor is going on maternity leave in a couple months, and the kids need me. They miss me when I’m gone and ask where I’ve been and I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams and I don’t know what to do and it’s freaking me out. I’m trying so hard to keep it together for my family, and my coworkers/supervisors, and the kids, but I still feel like I’m fifteen and lying in bed with a migraine, so terrified that I’m going to fail that I developed an excuse to make my failure not my fault. I try so hard to be confident in my work, but then my coworker comes and undermines what I’m doing, saying different rules and getting upset when I say the correct ones.
My coworker sent me this text today (pictured below) and it triggered everything in me to go off all at once, and I don’t know what to do. I know that tomorrow I’ll get up and keep going like I always do, but for tonight I’m terrified I’m going to lose my dad, and that I’m going to fail my internship, and I’m going to get in trouble at work. I’m scared I’m not doing enough and that I’ll never be enough. That what I’m doing is not enough. That I should be doing more. When my dad’s appendix burst, I couldn’t drive him to the hospital since I’m too afraid to get my driver’s license. What if that led to his death? What if my fears lead to someone’s death?
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(The red spot is where my supervisor's name was, by the by. And reflection time is like a time out. I also didn't interrupt her, and I separated them because they are supposed to be separated during that time, not sitting right next to each other on a bench. Which she would know, if she FREAKING PAID ATTENTION.)
Oh! And I completely forgot about this with everything going on today, but I hurt my shoulder on Monday getting my mom's wheelchair out of the car (she has quadriplegic cerebral palsy, so she's always been in a chair. My dad usually gets it in and out of the car, but with his surgery he's unable to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds for a couple weeks, so my brother and I have to pick up the slack. I even took the day off on Monday to help out, which is another stressor for me). My shoulder has been aching for the past two days, though luckily it isn't hurting now, which is why I forgot it with everything going on, but it's still yet another thing on top of the mountain. And this isn't even all of it. But if I keep talking, I'll be here forever, and I don't want that. I will say though that sometimes I wonder if I still have anxiety, since usually I have some pretty good coping skills for my anxiety that I independently developed over the years, and it's moments like this that remind me that, yep. Still do. .-.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to my rambling. I’ve not written something like this in years (which isn’t helping me feel any older, honestly), but it does help to get it out. Please, please be kind if you respond. I would be okay with advice, but just… be gentle if you can. So much has happened in five days and I’m struggling to handle it all. I am handling it all, but it’s a heavy load. So just… be gentle, please.
Thank you.
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devisza · 2 years
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slovenia
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If designing maps for this mod have taught me one thing, it's that maybe I should spend more time actually decorating my farm bc I don't know what I'm doing
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heretherebedork · 2 years
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Not to ruin any one’s morning with a discussion on my personal worst part of BL (fan service), but does anyone have any idea what nonsense is going on with the PlusMinus actors? Because I’ve seen some posts here and on Reddit, and there’s some information missing about this whole situation.
So, a few months ago, I got a community post recommendation from a BL compilation channel, saying congrats to MaxHao for actually dating. And I was obviously like: ugh, please no, we can’t feed into this guys. Now, what the comments actually said was that during a Instagram live someone asked the typical ‘are you really dating’ question (ugh) and one of the actors said “yes”. Like full stop. I checked to make sure this channel hasn’t posted this before for BL couples, and they hadn’t.
However, I couldn’t find the live (I didn’t look very hard). And people in their comments were mentioning it, and they were reposting stuff congratulating them, but their accounts seemed pretty typical to me. I hate even saying this, but nothing looked out of place for typical fan service. I did think their reposts focused a lot more on their relationship outside of the show as opposed to liking character edits, but, you know, whatever floats your boat and gets you those followers
But there wasn’t the huge expolsion in BL world that I would have expected to see if two actors openly said they were dating. So, I was like, whelp, looks like we’ve found another awful side of fan service.
But now it actually seems to be causing a stir and I’m slightly worried? My concerns about fan service always go back to how it will set precedents for future actors, who will now think to build fan bases they have to sacrifice their personal lives and feed into fantasies of their audiences.
Especially for a couple from Taiwan, who usually hasnt gone as far as Thailand with their fan service, I would hate to see this become the norm.
(I also hate that I’m even thinking about this. Because what kind of environment am I in where someone’s Instagram is them reposting ‘congrats on your relationship’ and I’m like “but is it really a relationship thou?”
Yeah.
I don't know anything about this, I will be honest.
I have no idea.
I try to stay out of actor's personal lives as much as possible beyond making sure I'm respecting their pronouns, identities and comfort levels.
I have seen a bit of this linked around, though very little, and it is... wild.
I don't know what's going on, I don't really want to know.
They're real people.
Actors are allowed to date or not date or... whatever.
It is a scary precedent in terms of fan expectations if this turns out to be a joke. But that's just... scary in general. Fans can be very, very scary.
Unless the two actors come out and announce it themselves, publicly, I will make no assumptions. None. Ever.
Actors are REAL PEOPLE.
They are not fiction, they are not to be theorized about, they're not to be assumed.
They are actual, real human beings with lives.
I just... look, if they're dating? great! if they're not dating? also great! if they're faking dating to try to please fans? fuck that. if they're faking dating because the production company thinks it makes them worth more? double fuck that.
Ugh.
This is one of my most real dislikes in the fandom.
It's shockingly easy for fans to stop thinking of actors as people and to think of them more like objects, like toys... and I can't stand it.
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boyapologist · 2 years
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craving a sweet treat..... don't know what it is... just crave it.....
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insomniac-pbparker · 3 months
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i have such a visceral reaction whenever I see Those scenes . God forbid a guy try to go on tumblr
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looselipssinkships-x · 3 months
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i have somehow gotten comfortable with children? like even the little ones who can't talk yet? i want to hold one???
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rainnbepourin · 5 months
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i don't like this job. i don't like this company. i don't like these people.
I've been treated badly in the past. it's got to the point where i have power over them, after almost 4 years. but I'm not interested in getting better at this anymore. there isn't any kind of future here... i really don't know if i might regret leaving or if it's the only way forward.
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teenagefeeling · 7 months
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it's 5 am, i've been awake (and crying) for about a half hour, debating if i should try to sleep more or just skip my classes today
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peachydinosaur · 10 months
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bit the bullet and ordered license plate holders, seat covers, and bumper stickers for my car. i don't in all honesty expect the stickers to last through the winter (i ordered from redbubble and all the discussions i could find people were saying the stickers held up well on their cars but like. it's gonna be 100+ for probably at least a week this summer and we get feet of snow every year so. hot hot, freezing and scraping off my car, etc. i won't be upset just, not gonna get my hopes up about longevity) but I'm really excited to personalize my car finally. I've never had decorations in it past a cute air freshener on the rear view and a small stuffie on the dash. i used to have a bumper magnet but it got so old and fucked up. it's going to be cute, it's going to feel personal, the leather on the seats isn't going to burn me and leave marks on my legs from the cracks when i wear shorts this summer :) haven't figured out how to be normal about this, I've never really done anything for my car and it's very exciting yet daunting to me
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starlightomatic · 26 days
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something about how the disability rights movement got watered down, in people's eyes, from "we demand that buildings are built to physically accommodate us, eg with ramps" to "there's nothing we can do about the world around us, but it would be nice if people were more accepting of seeing people stim"
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hansoeii · 4 months
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fem presenting loki!
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madbalalaika · 22 days
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amagurith · 2 years
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been thinking i might wanna go back on T again lately
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pridoo · 10 months
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dinluke first kiss but make it even softer warmer add more yearning add more uncertainity add more smell of his cheek and raspness of his mustache and press
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