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#umbrella academy shitpost
  • Sargent Cheddar Reacts to Celebrity Sightings (bonus if the celebrities are the TUA cast) 
  • Cooking with Diego (half the time, he gets impatient and just says “Screw it. Raw eggs have protein” and eats one)
  • A live show where Grace takes phone calls and offers calm, cheerful advice to young adults struggling with adulting 
  • A miniseries where Reginald must go to the store by his damn self and all the little indignities that entails, from having his parking spot stolen to learning the store is out of his favorite cereal
  • Can You Wax Your Ass With This? With Klaus Hargreeves
17 notes · See All
Five: *answering the phone: yes, hello?
Diego: you drank a lot
Five: that's why I took a taxi. If I had been sober, I would've spatial jumped.
Diego: where are you going?
Five: where do you think? I'm going home.
Diego: Hey, you were drinking at home.
Five: what?
Diego: Are you that drunk?
Five: ... Sir, where am I going?
12 notes · See All

If it was Luther:
 - Fucken traumatized ™️
- Goes to The Moon (ooh, aah)
- Goes a lil bit crazy being all alone up there for years
- Reginald decides “Get in loser, we’re going Earth-saving”
- Luther comes
- Reggie says off-hand that the moon “mission” was a time-waster
- Luther Loses It  (now a true crime miniseries on cable tv)

Diego:
- Vanyas book comes out
- Wow omg you mean to tell me diego DOESNT read a book that he knows will upset him??? Self-care??? For real??? In THIS umbrella academy kid? It’s more likely than you think. This boy can hold so much self-care. His mind is a TEMPLE
- Flash forward to Eudora saying “We’re OVER” with a dramatic ponytail flip and slamming her locker shut and saying she has to go to bio
 - Well, says Diego, heartbroken over a Dora that isn’t an explora, Time to Read that Book
- Oh shit, says Diego, reading about how his dad wasn’t only an asshat to him, He was a bad person to ALL of us
- Diego as you can tell is a wannabe detective, and this is when I would break the fourth wall and say, No shit Sherlock
- Diego gets to the Academy
- Reginald is like “Number Two.” and I pity Diego for being the butt of all potty humor jokes
- Diego fucken kills him. k/o. He dead. Oof. Press x to pay disrespects and honk - Diego presses x at the funeral

Allison:
- Was trying to make a “Yo dad” joke but accidentally caught her reflection as she said “Yo dad is so ugly his death made the international news”

Klaus:
- There is no explanation for Klaus. He was en route to kill Reggie and then decided to get a waffle instead

Five:
- Tries to timetravel
- Fails
- MEGA punishments from Reggie
- Obeys most of the time but like. If it’s anything physical he defends himself
- Tries to timetravel again but slightly to the left
- Slightly to the left sends him to March 23rd 2019
- There’s Reggie, being an Asshat ™️
- Reggie seems indifferent if not upset at Five
- Bam! He dead

Ben:
- Decided that instead of calamari, kill-a-Reggie
- He was seventeen, young and sweet
- A dancing queen
- He danced his way over to murdering Reggie. A disco icon.

Vanya:
 - One day played Despacito so well in her home on her violin that Reggie laid down and died

Grace:
- Made some killer pancakes
- And I mean it
- No really
- Rip to food keeping you alive but poison is different

Pogo:
- The following segment has been translated into Pogo’s native language.
- Oooh ooh ahh ahh ooh aah ooh ooh ooh aah aah aaah ooh ooh ooh ooh aah

544 notes · See All
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