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#verbal abuse

That moment when you realize you are full of abusive tendencies; becuase you’ve been raised by a verbal and emotional abuser, so you took after their actions growing up. But now you don’t know how to stop, you realize you get so full of emotions you can’t think straight, you can only think that you’re right, and that you are hurt. Then you finally say how you feel and realize youre completely overwhelmed, overreacting, and just taking your frustrations out on others. Then you realize you can be almost just as bad as your abuser was and you have no idea what to do because you strongly believe abusers cant get better; because you’ve NEVER seen any abuser or addict get better in your whole live, therefore you cant get better either. Now you feel like shit and wonder if you’ll be this way your whole life, bc you really see no way out of getting that overwhelmed by emotions.

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This is an idea that I’ve come back to a lot over the years. As someone who went through a divorce seven years ago, I’ve thought of this often as the one piece of advice I’d give to others going through the same thing. As a survivor of abuse and childhood trauma that I am still dealing with, it’s something that I think about often even still. 

For most of my life, I thought that there was a “right way” or a “right time” to do everything. This could have to do with the fact that my mom is a very goal oriented person and so milestones and markers were always very important. It could also have to do with the fact that, just in general, I don’t like to do things wrong. Seriously, as we were taking our birthing classes last month, I was asked to express my fears to my husband and my fears are that I would give birth wrong somehow. And having a right way and a right time for everything has always helped me avoid doing things wrong… at least in my mind. But then comes healing and I fail miserably.

I am still healing from just about everything I’ve gone through in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully complete the healing process. This journey that I’m on may take the whole rest of my life and I may die still not feeling completely healed from the things that I’ve gone through. And that’s okay. 

I remember after my divorce that there were people who asked me why I wasn’t over it yet, why I wasn’t ready to move on. Their questions really made me feel like I was doing it wrong, like something was wrong with me because I hadn’t healed yet. And that’s when I started to realize that healing doesn’t look the same for everyone and that you can’t put a timeframe on it. Now I’m starting to see how the same is true for other damaging experiences in my life.

You’ll hear me talk a lot about how my mom and brother and I all deal with, and attempt to heal from, my father’s abuse very differently. I sometimes get frustrated with them if they’re not healing the same way that I am and vice versa. But the truth is, it’s going to look different for each of us and it’s going to take each of us a different amount of time… all that matters is that we each ultimately end up healed. 

Please take this advice to heart, whether your story is similar to mine or not. We all have something that we need to heal from. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn’t take all the time that you need, even if it’s been years.

KTBSPA!
-Lindsey

lindseybrunette
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Was anyone else low-key (or high-key) emotionally and verbally abused by their pe teachers because of things they couldn’t help?? Cuz like, I have a leg length discrepancy (one leg longer than the other) and due to the uneven amount of pressure it causes, I sometimes get moderate to severe joint pain. Most people with a leg length discrepancies, don’t experience pain, unless the difference is more than 2 cm, so whenever I would say I was in immense pain that I as an elementary school student, shouldn’t have been in, I would get treated as a liar, or like I was a lazy kid trying to get out of exercise. Nobody told me that the more than 2cm difference was why I got pain and no one else I knew with a leg difference did, until like 2 years ago. Would’ve been helpful to know like 10 yrs earlier, thx Doc. In hindsight, the teacher probably thought because I was fat, I hated exercise, but that wasn’t the case. I loved the burn of exercise, I just hated feeling like my bones were being ground together whenever I ran. Despite having medical proof from an orthopedist, I was still forced to do exercise that caused me pain, and being treated badly when I couldn’t exercise the same way as other kids. I wouldn’t have been in so much pain if my gym teachers made me do exercises that had low impact on my joints. I would often ride bikes for hours after school with neighbor kids, which didn’t cause me much pain. They didn’t know that tho, because they try to even understand me. But no, make a young child feel awful for their health issues and accuse them of faking so often they questioned themselves. I would also get treated badly if I had asthma issues and had to go to the office to use my inhaler. Other kids in my class had asthma, but since theirs wasn’t as bad, or was better controlled, I’d again get treated like I was a lazy fat kid trying to get out of exercise. I don’t understand why so many gym/pe teachers treat kids with health problems this way??? Because, I’m referencing 2-3 different teachers. It’s one thing if it was just other kids being assholes to me(which is still bad.) But GROWN ASS ADULTS mistreating KIDS at a job that is OPTIONAL for them to have. Maybe if you can’t treat kids right, you shouldn’t teach kids or be around them at all.

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My mother was screaming at the top of her lungs at my sister, then my other sister, and then me about how terrible we are, how selfish we are, how we never do as we’re told, threatening to kick us out now that we’re 18, snatching our phones and laptops out of our hands (I was doing homework), calling us “pigs” and “bitches”, and several other things. That was at about 3:30 this afternoon. I am writing this at 9:45pm. My mother is acting like nothing happened. She is in a relatively pleasant mood and I just had a civil conversation with her. Fifteen minutes prior to starting this draft, I was struggling to remember what had been said earlier today. It took me a minute to remember what exactly had happened earlier and why and what she was angry about. This is despite the fact that while the screaming had been happening, I had been crying, angry and terrified, and on the verge of breaking down and completely sobbing. 

I struggled to remember because I have lived through too many identical days, days where I was screamed at when she was in a bad mood. They blend and smudge together with one another; very few stand out. Today was unremarkable in comparison. Why would I remember an ordinary day?

My mother’s behavior forces me to forgive her over and over and over. I am not allowed to hold onto my hurt, my sense of self-respect and self-worth. I have to forget my hurt, my anger, and my feelings immediately after she has hurt me. I am expected to apologize to her for whatever list of supposed misdeeds that she had screamed at me in her rage. Not apoligizing or submitting to her will only prolongs her ire and, in turn, my suffering. Why would I remember my pain when it is safer to forget?

This upbringing is grooming me for a life of spinelessness and low self-esteem, and training me to allow myself to be just as lenient and forgiving towards other people who treat me terribly in the future. It is setting me up for a lifetime of being abused.

It is now 10:20. In a week or two, I will have forgotten nearly all about what happened today. Maybe this post will remind me.

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i’m scared to go to work tomorrow, my female bitch of a boss starting shouting and curse shit about me in front of everyone. I tried talking to her about it but she was like I cant talk right now im busy - but the head boss of my company just told me when i told him about the situation (he wasnt there) oh youre doing great dont worry about it. she started this because of something she told me to do, which I did. i should just let myself get hit by a car tomorrow so i dont have to deal with her abuse anymore.

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If anyone reading this is being hurt by someone toxic or manipulative, please don’t let them gaslight you so as to take their side. And whatever they say about you, don’t take it personally.

Set up whatever boundaries you need to get them out of your life, don’t be afraid to talk to someone or ask for help.

Toxic people will victimise themselves and try to hurt you deeply when you refuse them.

You are not responsible for them. You’re not guilty for cutting them off.

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Just finished BoJack Horseman. What a spectacular representation of and look at the effects of the many facets of addiction, depression, anxiety, abuse, and all the other issues that we all face in life. And the success of the show is that it knows exactly when to make us laugh and when to talk about the hard stuff. The show is filled with broken people who make bad choices, but we keep rooting for them to keep moving forward, because sometimes that’s all you can do. This will forever stick with me as one of the best and most meaningful shows on TV, animated or otherwise, of my generation.

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He did it again. He threw my things away. He didn’t say anything. When I went looking for some thing and couldn’t find it, I kept asking has anyone seen this has anyone seen this.

He walked right by me and said nothing. Admitted to nothing. Eventually he said the towel was shredded. The towel was clean and had a few threads snagged and I used it to dry off my dogs from the rain. It was always in a certain spot and I had just washed it recently. He threw it away. He knew I was looking all over for it because I kept saying so and my dog was soaking wet.

He said nothing. Except finally after a half hour he walked by me again and this time said oh it was shredded. Half hour later I’m still looking for it and he finally admits he threw it away and he only admitted it because I asked him.

It’s a violation when someone takes your things whatever they are and throws them away. He thinks it’s his right. Then to say nothing. Normal people would say, hey this towel looks really shredded is it okay if I throw it away? He didn’t do that. And then he doesn’t even admit it when I’m frantically looking for it while my dog is soaking wet. He is a coward. He is a bully and a liar and a violator and an abuser.

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But in the past I dated a person, who with words and lies hurt me. I was crying. I was thinking I’m a terrible person and I deserve it. I was thinking something’s wrong with me. We finally broke up, but that person hurt and humiliated me till the very end. “S****, dumb, spoiled”. these are the words that person constantly said to me and I thought I would break. But I didn’t. that person lost. trying to destroy me, but I survived as a winner. I didn’t give up and I’ll continue my journey.

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My egg donor and sperm donor have been abusing and neglecting me my whole life since I existed. Just lately, my egg donor was screaming in my face and hitting me for small things (like accidentally burning my first two slices of pizza). She also told me that I was worthless and that I should kill myself. Then my grandma told me that I’m not allowed to kick my DNA contributors out of my life at all. Like WTF? How can I leave them and cut them out of my life forever if I don’t have enough money?

WTF indeed!? You are absolutely allowed to kick them out of your life, and this is coming from someone who did exactly that. My grandfather tells me very similar things every time he sees me, but my therapist always replies the same thing when I bring it up: that sometimes when certain people see you as the bad guy, it means you’re doing something right. (And this is definitely one of those times!)

As for the last question, is there anyone in your life who you could reach out to or stay with? A friend or a different family member, perhaps? Would looking for a job be a possibility? A Tumblr donation post, or commissions if you can create content, come to mind too. A few friends of mine have made money by selling lgbtq+ things online and locally, and there are probably tutorials on YouTube where you can learn how to create some cool things. Just some ideas! What I initially did was get my abuser to pay for a different place for me to live in with the excuse of going to uni, which could also maybe be an option? 

I really hope you find a way to get out of there 💗

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