#what you need to hear today

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[irlromanroy]

You are not unlovable for being in a system. You are not unloveable for being in a system. You are not unlovable for being in a system.

#did #dissociative identity disorder #did system #plural #osdd #actually plural #actually dissociative #ik this is kinda corny? #but they r what I need to hear today so I am posting for you guys I hope someone sees this and feels idk #anything good? #be safe out there guys

[ghostespresso]

staff logging on to tumblr dot com today

#staff sweetie i Promise you an algorithm would kill this webbed site #changing the way reblogs look/work would Absolutely kill this webbed site too #this is a Blogging Platform i dont want it to be like tiktok or twitter jesus #if you NEED to change something literally listen to the the Tumblr Users you pretend you cant hear #if money is what you need make your userbase Happy and you should be fine #the shop is fine blaze posts are fine ad free subscriptions are fine but dont get rid of shit that Works For You in favor of making money #someone really laced up their clown boots today im. so tired staff please dont #tumblr staff #EDIT: staff updated their original post to say we were all misunderstanding but #that doesnt stop the post from being stupid #the whole post was worded for Investors and then presented to the userbase #if you say 'we have big changes planned!' and dont put in the 'as options' its Your Fault that people read it as 'were changing everything' #staff isnt stupid. they know how they Should have worded it better than what they did #so yeah. someone Did lace up their clown boots before they hit post #edit pt 2 lol for the record i dont think tumblr would actually go through with all their changes in that post #they know how the userbase is and there are A Lot of us #i just dont like how? idk. condescending? the post sounded #and out of every place on the internet being being burned alive in the name of money #tumblr is the one place i know enough about to be Actually mad at lol #ive really liked some stuff staff has done in recent years #but talking to your userbase that way wasnt one

[tatakaeeren]

*Mind empty* I can only think of this 💖

#gojo satoru #satoru gojo #jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk 2 #jujutsu kaisen #toriigifs #Im serious!! ...not even the entire scene or the other faces he makes #THISSSSS thisss is what I've been thinking all day :') #I WANT TO BE THAT BALL SO BADLYYYY 😭😭😭😭😭 #look at his squishy cheeks!! ajhgddga #I bettt I BETT that's the face he makes when you tell him ... sorry Satoru no more candy for you XD or sorry not today I'm busy akjdhad #god I need headcanons or fanfics based on this gif #If someone hears my prayer... please let me know or tag me #I NEED ITTTT #usergojoana #userartless #userdabiluna #useraki #userokkottsus #userhyu #userlisette #jjk headcanons #jjk x reader #jjkedit

[shima-draws]

Me: BRO. Can you imagine if Luffy activated Gear 5 2 years earlier at Marineford

AO3: Hey boo I gotchu

Me: AY-YO????

#One Piece #SO GLAD I'm not the only one who got this idea holy shit #Apparently Gear 5 Marineford is a Thing that is actually relatively popular #LOVE that for him tbh. And Ace. Bc he saves Ace with it lmao #Extra angst with Luffy actually dying first before his devil fruit slaps him back to life is also quite brilliant #Luffy's devil fruit squeezing his heart like a squeaky toy: NOT TODAY BITCH #His entire crew suddenly gets a sixth sense and they KNOW #They KNOW something is wrong and that Luffy. Something happened to their captain #But before they can mourn for too long they hear it. The DRUMS BABYYYYYYY #Normally they'd all be too far to hear them but they can :) And everyone around them is like. Uhh #The Strawhats: I can hear them. The drums #Everyone else: ??? What are you talking about are you losing it. You're probably losing it #I need to hold myself back from reading all these fics bc I actually. Gotta finish Marineford first LOL #Don't wanna spoil myself TOO much #Shima speaks

[tiredela]

ON THIS SITE WE LOVE EMBER FROM ESO 🫶🫶🫶

#tes #tesblr #eso #elder scrolls #the elder scrolls #elder scrolls online #ember #eso ember #ember eso #what even is her tag lol #tiredeltalks #i'm posting this in case anyone else also needs to hear this right now 🫶🫶 it's okay to be afraid it's okay to be vulnerable #you are stilly worthy you are still loved #i didn't think a character from a video game would make me cry today but here we are

[half-lightl]

POSTERS INSPIRED BY MY MOST PLAYED SONGS FROM FITF BY LOUIS TOMLINSON (ACCORDING TO LASTFM) (pt. 1) ALL THIS TIME LUCKY AGAIN SATURDAYS

#dailytomlinson #louistomlinsoncouk #theonedeepalsedit #louis tomlinson #hlcreators #misediciones #fitf #lt2 #I know what the next two are gonna be but i'm still not sure about the sixth one mmm #anyway i started making these in early december but i just muster up the energy to finish them today. i'm always just so tired tired tireddd #can you all believe saturdays exists???? that song is my main baby at the moment #spotify made me do the 2024 future playlist thingy i added saturdays as my choice for ''song i need to hear live this year'' #let's pray it happens!!!! #fitfposters #credits for the ticket vector: https://www.rawpixel.com/image/2849758/free-illustration-png-movie-frame-cartoon-cuteeyJrZXlzIjoidGlja2V0Iiwi #gfxorcollages*

[essektheylyss]

Okay but for real, please download Merlin, the Cornell-based bird-logging app. It is so great. It will tell you about birds in your area. It will make you so insufferable on hikes and outings. It doesn't have any comments section so if this site gets nuked do NOT try to find me there but know that that's where I'm hanging. Having a great time birdwatching. Logging the bluejay that bullies my cats. Helping researchers track where birds are for climate change-related population monitoring. 10/10, highly recommend getting a life and doing some silly birdwatching.

#I forget who here recced me the bird app cuz it's PHENOMENAL so I'm sorry I am blanking #also if anyone has recs for apps for tracking flora pls lemme know cuz I am on the hunt #if you have had a good experience with inaturalist I wanna hear about it cuz it felt too social media-y for me #is it good? I do not know. I actually really want to cuz I need to be able to better identify plants. #it would be so funny if I just didn't open my inbox and instead made a post about birdwatching for every ask I get this weekend lmfao #I really think it's what the dash deserves #I'll tell you about arizona birds! it'll be great #I also have seen some GREAT juniper trees and stars today. yes STARS. #literally if you haven't done it lately go find somewhere dark and see the stars. v important. #anyway junipers are making berries rn! they're delightful!

[altruistic-meme]

Am I the only one who actually likes Marcus in the beginning? Like I thought "oh he seems like a nice dude I want Simon to be with wille but this isn't so bad ig" and then when Simon tried breaking up with him his response????? Was so WEIRD? like it just felt off to me that he refused to hear Simon and just went on saying that they should still be together and brought up his dad. Like that was weird as hell. Maybe I'm wrong but if someone's breaking up with you you should just ... Accept it? And let them? It's one thing to try and convince them to stay bc you're so heartbroken, which is acceptable, but with Marcus it felt like different, like he was lowkey being manipulative. It felt like he wasn't listening to Simon at all. And I mean I'm not blaming him for Simon cheating on him with wille but dude you know this guy doesn't really wanna be with you lmao what did you expect

hello anon i love you. 

Trust me, you are NOT alone! This was literally my exact reaction as well. I actually kind of like Marcus at the start, and then during that argument my opinion completely flipped. Because you are very right: it was pretty manipulative of Marcus, and it wasn’t the only time he exhibited that behavior either. 

For the sake of “I’m not here to start drama”: I’m going to speak from personal experience and about my personal opinion on Marcus. I am always open to hearing other peoples thoughts on this as well, if you agree or disagree, just please be respectful about it. I have been witness to two different, incredibly manipulative relationships. I’ve done quite a bit of research because of this. So that’s where I’m coming from. 

Now, you sent me this right before my first rewatch of s2 which means i was paying lots of attention to Marcus when i watched it and I definitely took notes for this so let’s go!

Episode 1 (around 37:00): my first red flag in Marcus’ behavior was how he was pretty instantly overly-friendly and familiar with Simon despite the fact they’d only had 2 interactions. He greeted him with a hug, kept getting very close to him, and was hanging off of him during karaoke. Which isn’t always a red flag, because sometimes people are just Like That, but I still think it’s worth noting considering his later behavior. It just rubs me the wrong way that he is putting himself into Simon’s space so quickly. 

Episode 3 (around 22:40): the actual argument that you mentioned

Like you, I was perfectly fine with Marcus until this scene. I got bad feelings pretty early on.

Simon tells Marcus that he “isn’t ready for anything serious” and Marcus tells him that it’s okay, but then proceeds to immediately twist the situation in his favor. He pretends to accept what Simon says to begin with so that Simon won’t just shut down, but he does still put up arguments.

“I’m not like [Wille] … I won’t hurt you.” Bad Sign Bad Sign Bad Sign. Saying that he isn’t like Wille to catch Simon’s attention and to build trust. Simon’s trust in Wille is broken, and Marcus seems to understand that, so he’s using Wille as a gateway to establish a trust that he would otherwise have to earn. 

Simon basically telling him “that’s not what it’s about, it’s not about you, I just can’t do this now” was another chance for Marcus to step back, but instead he continues to push the issue. 

Him bringing up Micke was a trick as well. Telling Simon that he doesn’t really understand how relationships should look gives him free wiggle room. Because it makes Simon lose trust in his own judgment, and now he will look to Marcus to see if what they are doing is good and healthy. 

TOUCHING HIS NECK during the conversation made me furious actually. It built a connection between them, something intimate, again to build Simon’s trust. 

Reinforced by hugging him as well. 

“I know you don’t want to destroy something this beautiful” is also a very bad sign. Because now he’s telling Simon that what they have is healthy and good, piggybacking off of the doubt he created earlier in Simon’s judgment. 

“Let’s just take it slow” now he’s repeating this, telling Simon what his own terms are while actively ignoring Simon’s decision to end it. 

And finally for this scene, he gives a “reward” for Simon’s agreement. He offers to go cheer Simon on at the competition. 

Episode 4 (around 7:45): he expresses no interest in going to the ball, which is fine on it’s own, but it’s him shutting down what Simon wants immediately followed by proposing what he wants instead, to go to his house. 

Also Episode 4 (around 36:00): last one, this one also is a huge thing imo. “[Wille] seems nice. He’s not at all stuck-up like when he was shooting with Felice.” this is a direct attempt to paint Wille in a bad light. It’s an attempt to make Simon believe that Wille was only nice to Marcus because Simon was there, and that he is entirely different - even rude - when Simon isn’t there to impress. 

This is all to say that, whether it was intentional or not, I think Marcus was absolutely trying to manipulate Simon. So much of his behavior can kind of be waved away (“oh some people are just overly-friendly” “maybe Simon needed to hear that” “Wille did hurt Simon” etc) but also one of the major aspects of manipulation like this is that it can be easy to wave away. The person who is being manipulative doesn’t want to be clocked manipulating someone, it’s not supposed to be overt and noticeable. But it’s still there. In many little things and sometimes in a few bigger ones. 

This was something I noticed on my first watch, and the rewatch only further cemented it in my mind. Do I think Marcus was all bad? No, absolutely not! But then again, neither are most manipulators. I did enjoy him as a character as well, and the actor did a wonderful job. But yeah. I don’t think he did Simon any good. 

#so many thoughts so little time #i need to actually sleep today :') #this is probably only semi-coherent but it is what it is #i wanted to give you these thoughts while i still had them fresh #also most of the quotes are paraphrasing rip me i can only handwrite so fast #while ALSO trying to pay attention to the scene #anyway this is my opinion and while i am pretty solid in my belief of it i am open to hearing other's thoughts! #young royals #yr s2 spoilers #anon #askers #shh ac

[thebirdandhersong]

layers of school and family and health issues and future planning and final exam stress aside, do you ever feel like there is a long ongoing scream inside of you that seems to have no end ha haaaa

#the ironic thing i think is that i'm sitting closest to the window rn #and i can see the boy i agonized over for seven months sitting with his girlfriend #very clearly in the reflection because they're sitting behind me :) #and no matter how loudly i play my music i can still hear them laughing together every once in a while! #he told me today that the thing he asked me to edit for him just won him a scholarship and i was like congrats!! #this IS what i've become to you! editor friend who cooks and brings snacks! #and it's like. well you don't NEED me anymore. which is a silly thought because he never did need me in the first place #(and the need to be needed is a bit... hmm.... there's a lot there i do need to examine carefully) #it's not even worth talking about boy no.2 who is kind enough to break anyone's heart lollll and who is definitely definitely #and clearly in every way definitely not interested or available or anything close to it #anyway im not in tears tonight lolll thank God i am mostly okay #but i think i need to take an early night :') clearly i am starting to be emotionally overwrought #it is not AGONY........ it is something quieter i think.

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[ultimaid]

as someone who works in the mental health field. the way some of you talk about mentally ill elderly people is absolutely atrocious and i’m going to need you to start seeing the elderly as human. that will be you one day and you’re going to wish younger folks had more compassion.

#like talking about how mentally ill / suicidal geriatric people should ‘just deal with it until they die’ like what is wrong with you?? #the elderly are HUMAN. a lot of them have loads of trauma and a lot of them have never been able to unpack that trauma. #even if it’s ‘just a joke’ do you hear yourselves? they can hear you!! #geriatric folks have so much to offer our communities and they shouldn’t be left to suffer because of their age. #mental health care should be for EVERYONE who needs it. #eno.txt #sorry i heard some shit today and got very angry!!!

[majorbaby]

Interview with Larry Gelbart on Charlie Rose, 1998

#i don't know what to say about this lol so i'm just putting this clip up and rambling in the tags #today is larry gelbart's birthday and i've spent the last year consuming much of his body of work #i recommend watching the first bit of this interview because he explains his approach to comedy #which boils down to 'in order to write comedy you need to be funny' #and then he proceeds to make a bunch of these kinds of jokes #and you can hear hawkeye in his voice. the light self-deprecation / #the biting wit / the way he treats the interviewer like an improv partner #he's not anticipated his answers he's performing them on the spot #he goes on after this to wax poetically about MASH but he ends on a punchline as usual #the rhythm is the same as hawkeye's speech in 'chief surgeon who' #anyway yeah i'm weird about this old man #happy birthday ty for [gestures] #larry gelbart #oh also early MASH is jewish i will explain later

[jtl07]

something old, something blue

[on ao3 as well]

Just a thought I had while on the plane this morning - idk when or where this is, let's say Switzerland bc why not, but I was thinking:

Perhaps Beatrice is the type of person who holds back her reaction when she finds something she likes. Which, of course, Ava makes note of, makes it a point of learning to read Beatrice's silences and stillnesses, learning to notice (and that makes Beatrice want to hold back too, not wanting Ava to know what it means, and yet wanting all the same -). 

And it happens with something innocuous, something small, something that, in the grand scheme of things doesn't truly matter so she shrugs her shoulders casually when Ava asks, already stepping away down a different aisle, looking down at their grocery list. But the cart doesn't move when she goes to push it, and she finds Ava looking at her, eyes careful, hands reaching - but not for her, for the cereal she'd verbally dismissed. 

"It's just cereal, Bea," Ava says, quiet, encouraging. "One box isn't going to break the bank."

Beatrice knows Ava's trying to make light of the situation - it's what Ava always does, brings light to all of Beatrice's situations, to her everyday, to her life - but she's frozen in place. Fear, she recognizes in a distant way, as if her brain had become detached from her body, terror. 

But of what? It's just cereal, as Ava has said; just Ava, who's eaten much more questionable selections, whose opinion differs greatly in terms of nutrition and the optimal amount of cheese in an omelette (it's why they have not one but three different types of shredded cheese on their list). Ava who has never shown any disappointment or disapproval, who has done nothing to earn any fear or distrust. But still. 

Beatrice's hand tightens around the cart handle, doesn't look at the cereal on the shelf. No, it won't 'break the bank,' it'll hardly leave a dent in their budget, but she fears that something else will break if she gives in. Something old. 

Ava's hand changes course, lands on Beatrice's, wrapping around the white knuckles. There's a difference, Beatrice has started to realize, between safety and familiarity. She'd thought them one and the same until fairly recently. 

Until she'd learned how it felt to go to the gym and not have any expectations to live up to other than her own; until she'd learned how it felt to step into a clothing store with colors and cuts that had her lingering the racks; until she'd learned how it felt to laugh with Ava on the couch, eating cereal as a late-night snack - just because she could. 

None of these were things Beatrice had ever done before and yet - and yet they felt right. Simultaneously settling and expanding and joyful. And she'd realized, suddenly, just how many things in her life she'd merely tolerated, had chosen out of familiarity and routine. 

But this was something new. It was cereal and it was something she wanted and hadn't even been conscious there was another option, an option other than denial because disapproval was all she'd known - until now, until Ava had asked, until Ava had offered, until Ava. 

Safety was something new. Safety is what Ava was offering, has been offering always, is offering now, her thumb tracing slow patterns along her knuckles. 

"We don't have to get them now," Ava's saying, and Beatrice wants to wrap herself in the warmth of Ava's smile. 

"I - " Beatrice's throat closes up and she hates it, hates how hard it is, hates that she has to put so much effort to let herself give in - 'it's just cereal for goodness sake' - and she feels her whole body shift to accommodate, to adjust, to unlearn and learn anew. 

Ava's other hand reaches up, warms the small of her back. 'You're safe,' Beatrice reminds herself, taking in the tenderness in Ava's eyes, the solid security of her hands. 

"I want to buy it." It's more a mumble then actual words but Ava understands, widens her smile and her hand slides the length of Beatrice's back in pride and reassurance. 

"Then let's buy it," Ava says, nodding in affirmation. She tiptoes to press a kiss to Beatrice's cheek, reaches for a box and tucks it into the cart next to their fruits and vegetables. Her hand stays steady on Beatrice's back and Beatrice leans into the touch as they turn the corner to the next aisle. 

They get the rest of the items on their list without incident (Beatrice talks Ava out of five bags of cheese but only through conceding one extra pint of ice cream) and the cereal gets put away on the shelf with the rest of their breakfast items. It takes a week before Beatrice finally opens it and has a taste. 

They buy two more boxes the next time they get groceries.

#my writing #jt writes fic #avatrice #avatrice fic #warrior nun fic #this fell out whole cloth just now and i'mma just post it #happy year of the yeet lol #but also if you need to hear this today: you're doing just fine #take your time to learn what you want and learn what you need #sometimes it's uncomfortable but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing #just something new

[minasweep]

I need to explode immediately and also get lunch .

#mina mumbles #what do you MEAN ur aware i did all the work of cleaning everything yesterday. and did not bother to help. exploding immediately and also #getting lunch bc i wasnt hungry this morning. #i need to be in bed and to not hear a sound actually ive heard too much sound today.