#write it out wenesday
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Smile for the camera.
Ghostface!Xavier Thorpe x fem!reader
Summary: The murder of Tyler was the first of many in Jericho.
Warning: established relationship,dead bodies,attemped sexual assault, stalking,descriptions of how someone was murdered,reader witnesses a murder, ooc Rowan? Rowan didn't get killed by the Hyde for plot reasons. Not fully proof-read.
Notes: Haven't watched Wednesday but I have read enough Xavier Thorpe fanfics to know the plotline and I'm saying to hell with it and writing for Xavier cuz this man has me in a chokehold. Excuse any typos and grammar errors
Word Count:1.8k
Tyler Galpin was found dead this morning.
The news was spreading around like wildfire at Nevermore for 2 reasons. One, he was the sheriff’s son, and two this was the first real crime that Jericho has had in years. The way Tyler was murdered somehow got released to the public and….it was horrifying. His eyes were cut out, a part of his tongue was too, small deep cuts were found all over his body, his throat was slit so deep that the bone from his spine was starting to show, and a smile was craved onto his face. It was so awful.
You couldnt believe it. You had just seen him the day before when you and Enid went out to Jericho for coffee. You didn’t know the guy and only spoke a total of 10 words to him but it just felt so unreal since you had seen him the day before and he was perfectly fine. It reminded you that anything can happen.
“The killer wanted him to suffer,” Wenesday said nonchalantly. Overhearing Enid and you talking about Tyler’s murder as she was typing. “They wanted him to die and slow agonizing, and painful death.” She turned around in her chair to face you. “I’m almost impressed with how well the killer pulled it off. Almost.” She turned back around and continued typing.
Tyler’s funeral was a week later, with a closed casket of course. You went to it out of respect and your boyfriend Xavier went too. Which surprised you, since knowing the past between the two. As the casket was lowered to the ground, the sound of the sheriff’s cries and wails rang loud across the cemetery. You leaned your head on Xavier’s arm and he wrapped his arm around you putting a loving kiss on your forehead and rubbing your arm in a calming manner.
You just so happened to miss the smirk that appeared on his face.
————
You thought that after the murder of Tyler it would stop. But it’s has been weeks since then, and more murders were happening and there was not one single clue who could’ve done it. It was almost like the killer disappeared right after committing the murder. Students at Nevermore gave the killer a name.
They called him Ghostface.
You began to worry for your boyfriend, him going out into his art shed and coming back when the sun was long gone scared you. You didn’t want the man you love to see become the next victim. It didn’t help that you felt like you were being watched everywhere you go. Notes starting appearing at your dorm and Enid-even Wednesday became concerned when the notes came with pictures. Pictures of you. One could be of you just chilling in the quad or you and Xavier kissing. The one that freaked you out the most was one of you getting out the shower. This continued for days and you had made Enid and Wednesday swear not to tell anybody. Even Xavier.
You became scared and terrified. You clinged onto Xavier more then you used too, you refused to go anywhere by yourself, hell you were even scared to even sleep by yourself. Xavier was very observant, he knew something was wrong. He noticed how your eyes kept scanning the crowd, how you refused to go anywhere by yourself, how you would grip on his hand a little tighter and cling to him more than usual.
It wasn’t until Xavier finally confronted you about it that you just broke down and started telling him everything. The creepy,notes,the pictures,everything. You sobbed into your boyfriends chest as he rocked you side to side whispered sweet nothings in your ear.
“I will kill the son of a bitch when I find out who he is.” He muttered into your hair. You could of swore that he sounded so eerily serious. His tone changed from the sweet loving one you always known, into something dark and chilling. Something that was so unlike of Xavier to sound like.
But you thought nothing of his comment. Too busy sobbing into your boyfriends chest worrying that maybe your stalker was the killer murdering all these people.
Maybe
————
Thankfully, the creepy notes and pictures stopped appearing at your dorm door after your breakdown with Xavier. Since then, Xavier started walking you to your dorm every night, he never left your side unless you wanted him to, and he would scan the crowd like a hawk, itching to find anything weird. With Xavier around you felt safer and less paranoid. Well, as less paranoid and scared as you can get with the killer still roaming around.
You even felt comfortable walking by yourself to your classes after a couple of days. So here you were, walking to Xavier’s art shed in broad daylight. School bag clutched to your back as you made haste to Xavier’s art shed.
Crutch.
The sound of a stick breaking caused you to turn around in a hurry. You looked around and no one was in sight. Great, of course, it is your luck that something happens to you when you were alone. You weren't far from Nevermore, it was still in sight so nothing can happen right? Nobody is that stupid to do something in broad daylight. You slowly reached for your taser while your eyes surveyed the area. You slowly continued walking with your hand clutched inside your jacket pocket and holding your taser with a tight grip.
Footsteps behind you continued. Getting faster as you walk faster. You turned your taser on and turned around, ready to tase the everloving shit out of whoever was following you.
A yelp and a thud came as you tazed the air threateningly. The person’s stuff was scattered all over the ground
Your mouth was a gap as you got a clear face of the person under the hood.
“Rowan?” You exhaled “You scared the shit out of me.” You let out a relieved sigh at the sight of Xavier’s roommate. You offered him an arm and helped him to his feet. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I just needed to talk to you about something.” You sighed. Bending down to help gather his stuff.
“Well, you could have shouted my name like a normal person.?I mean, Jesus Christ Rowan I could’ve tased your dick or something” He frantically bent down and started gathering his belongings. In his panic more stuff began to fall out. He cursed under his breath
A camera and a few polaroid pictures fell out. Pictures of you. All kinds of pictures of you, Some of the wear you were half naked.
Your heart dropped as you held one in your hand. You slowly stood up and made eye contact with Rowan. He started shaking his head
“Y/n I can explain-”
“Explain what? that you were the one that’s been fucking stalking me?!” You looked down at the remaining pictures that were on the forest ground. Rowan tried to walk closer to you but you took a big step back. “You stay the fuck away from me!” You shouted. He didn’t listen, he walked closer to you while he was frantically trying to explain his infatuation with you.
“I said stay the fuck away from me!” You sprayed the pepper spray in his eyes. He fell down to the ground and cried out in pain. You wasted no time in running back to Nevermore not stopping once to look behind you. A sharp tug caused you to trip and you screamed when you were dragged back to Rowan. Who abandoned his glasses and had a dark look in red bloodshot eyes. You couldn't move, held down by Rowan's gift and you could only watch in horror as he stood over you.
“You fucking bitch.” Rowan’s eyes filled with anger. You continued to struggle against the invisible hold. Screaming out for someone, anybody hoping that they can hear you. Rowan backhanded you sending your head to the side and your right cheek was left stinging and your lip bleeding. You continued to scream out for help and he slapped you again.
“Shut up!” He shouted at you. And in response, you spit in his face. “Fuck you.” He wiped the spit off his face and let out a dark chuckle. “This why I like you” He started. He bent down and unzipped your jacket and ripped open your shirt revealing your bra. Rowan grabbed his camera and started taking pictures.
“You’re so feisty,” Another flash from his camera. “I can handle you better than Xavier can. I can treat you better.” You started sobbing. Feeling so helpless and defeated.
Rowan’s blood splashed onto your face and stomach and you let out a blood-curdling scream. The invisible hold on you was gone and you scrambled away from Rowan who was now choking on his blood. You sat against a tree looking to the source of Rowan’s current predicament.
And you saw the killer.
He wore all black and his face was covered with a mask that looked like a ghost. They towered over Rowan who was still choking on his blood. The knife was deep into Rowan’s stomach and they twisted the knife deep into his gut before pulling it out. Rowan collapsed to the ground and weakly dragged himself away. The killer tilted their head. Walking ever so slowly to Rowan, who was still weakly dragging himself on the ground.
You could only watch as the killer got out a camera of their own and got onto Rowan's back and yanking his head back and flashing a picture. They rolled Rowan onto his back and he began screaming as the killer began stabbing him multiple times. Rowan’s pleas reached deaf ears as the killer began stabbing him faster and harder than before, never once stopping.
You sat there shaking like a leaf sobbing hysterically. Covering your ears at the sound of Rowan’s screams mixed with him choking on his own blood, and the mush sounds of the knife coming in contact with Rowan’s intestines. His screams died down and nothing was heard other than your hysteric sobs. The killer stood up
The killer took off their mask with their back facing you and you stopped breathing. You recognize that head of hair and that back anywhere. But you were in denial, you refused to believe it. There was no way that was him. It couldn’t be. The killer slowly turned his body around finally facing you making eye contact.
As much as you want to be in denial, it was loud and clear. Your sweet loving boyfriend Xavier Thorpe is the killer. The notorious Ghostface.
#xavier thrope#xavier x reader#wenesday#percy hynes white#xavier x you#xavier thorpe headcannons#xavier thorpe x reader
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Chapter 2 is up!
That's right, I DO have more writing to share HAHA. Hoping to update weekly on Wenesdays o7 Hardest thing about posting is naming the chapters
[Sample under cut]
With the extra time that ninja training and Garmadon attacks took up Kai’s grades started to drop.
There wasn’t a lot of leftover time to do homework after everything, and…
No.
No, that was just an excuse.
He shoved another crumpled assignment into his pocket as he headed down the hall. His grades had been dropping for a while now anyways. Ninja training was just an excuse not to think about it. And not thinking about it meant he didn’t do it. Which ended in his grades only getting worse.
Nya was distracted with school, her soulmates and now ninja training too so she didn’t notice for a while. But it was only a matter of time before she confronted him on it. Running to catch up with him in the hall after school he could feel the confrontation he didn’t want to face building in her throat. He shoved his hands into his pockets and pointedly didn’t look at her.
“Kai,” she started.
“Nya,” he matched her tone. He didn’t need to see her face to know she looked annoyed.
She spoke in hushed tones in the loud hallway, if only for sake of secrecy regarding their identities, if not he was sure she’d be talking at him a lot louder. “If being a ninja is too much to handle on top of school, maybe we should take a break.”
He grit his teeth. “It’s not about the ninja stuff.”
“You were fine before--”
“I’m a year behind, Nya, that’s not fine.”
“That’s okay, though,” she stressed, speeding up so she could step in front of him and stop him with a hand on his shoulder. He let her stop him with a long exhale through his nose, but he didn’t meet her eyes, instead keeping his gaze dropped and a little to the left, staring at a lower locker with a green ninja sticker on it. “Being a year behind is okay. But if being a ninja is gonna make you drop further behind--”
“It’s not being a ninja,” Kai snapped at her, defensiveness raising. He regretted it instantly when she took her hand off his shoulder, a little startled. “Sorry,” he rushed. Then quieter and looking away again. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap.”
Nya just looked at him, silent.
“I’m good at being a ninja,” Kai told her quietly. “I’m not good at…” he stopped. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Being a ninja was the one thing he was good at. It wasn’t causing the problem when the problem was him. He grimaced a little then exhaled sharply through his nose. “Look. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to go train.”
Nya let him go without mentioning homework.
He ended up sitting in an out of sight spot under his mech with one arm out of his suit, staring at the soulmarks stretching up his arms.
Two of them had met.
He’d missed it.
keep reading
#LEGO Ninjago Wobbly Hearts AU#KNOX WRITES (me)#I'm impatient i want the wild stuff to happen already but i have to WAIT AAAAAAAAA#weekly posting will be the end of me the urge to post it all at once is strong but i'm commited#i wanted to do new little art logos for each chapter but myyy computer frying pan is still overheating like crazy OKAY I GTG PEACE
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Old Poem #105
It's chapter 59 of my everyday life,
Not a dream of simple theme,
But the everyday torment,
That comes with being me.
Fifty-eight:
Wake up, just before the blaring noise
A ruckus-- an alarm so rude,
Just an annoyance at the wrong time,
Remaining just in case some day,
My body decides 6:35 just isn't the time.
Fifty-two:
Days pass with the same pattern,
But with day fifty-two reminds me of my thanks,
As 7:45 hits peacefully,
Till a ruckus alerts me to the further anxiety,
A day started too late.
Fifty-one:
Throw off the sheets,
Comfortor,
Blanket 1-2-3,
Hopefully not flipping the little dog,
Pat her head apologetically,
And continue on.
Fifty:
Glance into my closet,
Use my legs as a baracade,
A mountain of clothes seeking to be worn,
A mess created in the picture of my mind,
A fight against them,
Most likely a dress shirt,
Jeans,
Anything that won't tug against a freshly,
Showered self,
Appropriate across work and school.
Forty-eight:
The water is warm on my back,
My hands as they cup my breasts,
Nips gone slack against the warmth,
Then the weird little mark on the left,
Am I just holding off inevitable death?
Forty-seven:
I always toss the towel over my head,
Get out, sit down on the open toilet,
Toss the towel over my head,
Twist and twist to keep away the drip,
Unravel and rub at my shoulder... down
Down
Down
My feet, I rub against the mat.
Forty-six:
Nonetheless my best efforts,
My jeans tug against watery thighs,
My shirt wrapping around my arms,
A twist reminding me yet again--
Failure.
Forty-four:
Dressed, hair dripping,
Coat on,
Lunch packed,
Breakfast waiting,
To bad I spent too much time
Wet against dry.
Forty:
Breathe.
My favorite time of day,
Drive down the highway,
Full north towards the college,
Successfully better than high school,
But leaving us with so little time,
You can't even be a bully.
Thirty-nine:
My left hand is braced against the wheel,
The right jumping between lifting my drink,
Shifting gears,
Adjusting the radio,
Twirling at the stubborn-est of hair,
Petting at a friend long lost.
Thirty-seven:
Catch the bus
Somehow it always comes too
Soon, rushing to meet it,
Or too late,
Rushing to get to class prior to the
Lecture.
Thirty-six:
My bag stacks to the floor as I tug,
Up into my lap,
On my back,
Rushing to meet the sidewalk,
Beat the door,
Bus, building, class,
On still half an hour.
Thirty-four:
Do the homework left from last night,
There is just never enough time,
As if even in counting my fingers,
The lines on a clock,
I still can't keep the right rhythm,
Time too fast,
Too slow,
But how is it Wenesday?
Thrity-three,
Over the hump!
Wake early, go to class,
Do homework,
Wake early, go to class,
Do homework,
Luckily breathing is involuntary,
Drive back not home,
But to a job,
So I can afford to buy my stress.
Thirty-two:
Two job!
One paid and the other hardly at all,
Kids and the elderly,
A shift unexplicitly minor,
Teach old; young dog new trick,
Nieve versus aged but still so much
We've learned.
Twenty-nine:
I just keep repeating the motions,
No one to learn from but prior failures,
Fear ridding unforgiving,
Promises of success but truly only
Therapy bliss,
Always another tomorrow,
But never today.
Twenty-four:
So ready for sleep,
Brown eyes lolled
By Grey highlights,
An itch I can't quite scratch,
A need to brush my teeth,
Too much else promised,
Left to getting cavities.
Twenty-three:
There's only so much I can handle,
I wish it was just as much as
Everyone else
Can't all just be an illusion
I knew there is the struggle and the grind,
Leaving the worst of us to fail out.
Thirteen:
Oh to be that age again,
I muse,
A bitter laugh building up,
My throat on fire with honesty,
Never again would I want to live,
So close to death.
Twelve:
The last age I ever really felt normal,
I can't remember what that was,
Just in middle school,
Talking detailed notes,
Writing my short stories,
Just happy with the journey,
Even now never coming to end.
Eleven:
For once I'm up too late at night,
Can't sleep,
Hopefully tommorow I will be fine,
I could try to write,
But it'd be more likely to be
Able to sleep.
Ten:
That was the first time I wrote,
Not for class,
Anyone else,
Just for me,
The me prior to impossible expectations,
A child to be the next King.
Nine:
God, why are all writers so crazy?
They can be heros,
But ones that live long enough,
Living to be a villian,
Or to die too younge,
Too little inspiration brought to the table.
Seven:
A walk,
Another week has passed,
Still nothing done,
So much still to do,
Leaving me just to drown,
Speaking with rhymes,
No vows.
Four:
My fingers excluding the thumb,
That's the number,
It all hurts,
How can I be so young,
Riddled with a body beyond my age.
Three:
So many chances offered,
But this is the charm,
Two:
I could make the effort to explain but
Alas,
There is no such day as the last,
In not knowing till after.
About 2023, age 18.
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10.22.22 1207 PM FL
Writing this at work. I am currently so hungry, only thinking of the restaurants down the street. So close, yet so far. My break is whenever my coworkers feel like coming back to help cover the front desk. Have you ever felt so lazy but so much like you are holding every little thing together so if you break from your laziness, you are affecting everyone else in their own cycle of work? Because there are definitely days I try harder than others. Fridays are great because I get my paycheck, but also shitty because my weekends are currently Wed-Thurs (I typed it up like that because I can never know how the FUCK to spell Wenesday (probably wrong there too but fuck it)) so its like having my Friday be a Monday. But then Saturdays and Sundays roll around and none of the management is here so it is really just time to burn my corneas while looking at shit I’ll never buy or watching TikToks I’ll save and never watch again.
This life can feel fickle and so incoherently small that I’ll never want to live another day of it. But then I blow things out of proportion and I feel better again. Things like the love for my family, or the enjoyment I get by making my girlfriend laugh, or my hatred for stupid, attention-seeking questions.
I just thought of a great joke for my stand up that I’ll never actually do.
How do you really know what its in stuff? Like food stuff. The label I guess tells you but even then like, how do you really know? I mean, I guess people have credentials and shit to check but even then, how do those credentials-based people know what shit is? Like this Vitamin Water I’m drinking says it has 100% Biotin. What the fuck is Biotin? It evens says 0 calories which is great and all but even then, how do you really know? Like shit could say 1,000 calories and you’ll put that thing down because its “bad for you”. But like ??? have you ever actually seen a calorie?? I know I haven’t, so like what’s so bad about them and why have we made them the criminals of the food world?? Feels pretty discriminatory to me. (This was the bit for my stand up.)
I’ve deleted all my other social media accounts (I’ve kept TikTok and YouTube on my phone but have logged out so I can’t post but don’t get bored out my mind and download Facebook once in a while to answer the questions left by my relatives on my girlfriend’s posts.) but redownloaded Tumblr to keep as a journaling-platform. I would buy a cute, aesthetically pleasing journal but handwriting is so fucking ugly and I spill fucking everything so fuck it, typing is soooo much better.
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🌻
#🌻 ooc;; ❛ i am but a sensitive pillar of salt. ❜#sorry for being so quiet here all#i wanna write and do things and meant to this week#but i was training a nee girl all through my last shift and ya’ll...#all that socializing took it the fuck outta me#so the last few days I’ve just been chilling out to playing far cry 4#as well as taking care of my nephew since he had all his wisdom teeth pulled#and the fool cant seem to stick to a pain meds schedule#but anyways ill be back to doing things probabky tomorrow#just figured Id mention it since i got asked if everything was ok by a friend and#ITTS ALL GOOD SUGAR PLUMS IM JUST BEING LAZY ❤️#i hope you all are having an excellent wenesday!
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The Freedom of Expression Ep 58 - [NSFW] The truth behind the DIR EN GERY misprint, and a mysterious voice...
K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with this week's episode of the Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome...Um..
T: Ah!
J: What is it?
T: No way!
K: Its 'Young Jump'
J: Ah, Young Jump.
K: I think you already know about this, but we put an ad on it like this *shows back page*.
J: Oh, looks great!
T: Yeah, it does. Very impactful.
K: Its good, isn't it?
T: Yeah, great impact.
K: There's something a bit odd about it.
J: Haha
T: Huh? Where?
J: Eh? Something odd?
K: Yeah, its a bit strange. There's a bit of a mistake.
J: Is the kanji for Oboro correct?
K: Yeh, and this is right, about the release on the 28th of April.
J: And Wenesday is correct, right?
K: Yeah, and the explosion screening schedule is ok.
T: Yeah, it is.
K: The ticket price info is also all fine.
J: Yep.
K: After that there's only this bottom section.
J:Yeah.
T: DIR EN...
T, J: GERY, haha.
J: Has a new band formed?
K: We screwed up.
J, T: Hahaha
K: Its hard to believe, right?
J: Incredible. I did not expect this..Dir en gery.
T: I thought it was like a trick or something.
J: Oh, to make it go viral or..?
T: Yeah, going with Dir en gery.
J: Kaoru, what was it?
T: We'll find out about it here.
K: It was a total mistake.
J, T: Hahaha
J: Seriously? Eh? Really?
K: Yeah.
T: Does that mean it was done on a hurry, if its a seroius mistake?
K: Yeah, I guess so.
J: Well, Tasai, you work for a newspaper, and I also work for Rolling Stone, so we understand this, but our work is handed in for checking, you know, proof-reading. And they do spot mistakes, but honestly, I have never seen mistake of this size before.
T: Yeh. This is at the level of 'accident'. However, there is a case for saying that we cannot attack this. What I mean by that is that we too make mistakes.
J: Yes, thats true. There is that. Well, this goes for magazines etc too, but if you do proof-reading within the organization, for example, if the writer writes an article, the editor will proof-read it, and they may intend to, but if everyone is really busy with loads of other work, they will run out of time. Then they will get it checked by an external proof-reader. Even then there are sometimes still typos left over.
T: Yeah, there are.
J: There are, right? Human error happens.
T: Yeah, like if I misspell a name or something, I can correct it on the digital version, but on paper it appears on every copy out there.
J: Yeah..
K: But like this?!
J: Yeah, we say this, but we've never seen a typo this bad. Like, I've mistaken small details in names and stuff before.
K: Yeah, like Young Jump becoming Young JumP, right?
J, T: Yeh, haha.
K: Not like this! *points to 'GERY'*
J: Haha, this is...
*Sound of strange voice occurs in background - On screen text: 'What was that voice?! One more time.. (Clip of strange voice re-plays) No-one during the filming heard this. Its a mystery voice'*
J: Tell us what happened?
T: Yeah, lets ask.
K: Um, we had the design made, and the designer made the regular logo and put it down here in this fixed spot, so it looked as if the logo was done, even though there was a mistake in it. At the time, I wasn't looking at the band name, I was looking at the overall design, and ths impact it had. Like this image of Kyo from RokumaykanGIG. My eyes were drawn to the best parts of the design. It wasn't really designed to emphasize the band name. Its designed to showcase this top part, so I, like, didn't see it. Die didn't even see it, and he normally checks these really carefully. Even if we miss something, he normally spots it straight away.
J: Ah, even Die didn't notice it! ???*1
K: Yeah. We were too busy checking that there were no mistakes in the tour schedule.
J: Yeah.
K: But the information is all correct, so if its just the band name with a mistake, well, maybe its ok.
T: This could become a really rare item in time to come.
J: Yeah, cause there isn't gonna be a misspelling with Dir en grey again after this. That point will be strengthened.
K: Not for a while yeah. A long time ago, we had a single out called 'Filth', and there was a mistake in the title of the song on the cover jacket.
T: Eh? So this is the second time this has happened to you?
K: Well...yeh.
T: Hahaha
K: Well, we occasionally make small mistakes *2, but...
T: This is big.
J: Can I suggest something? Good things come in threes.
K: Ah, terrible.
J: So there will be a third time to come, imagine it, it could be both the title and the band name with a mistake.
T: Hahaha
K: Well, what can I do about it now? If you buy the single 'Filth' even now, its still like that. So filth is spelled f-i-l-h..huh? h-f...um, it's..
T: ..t-h
K: f-i-l-t-h, but the i became f, I mean h. So because there were two h's I realised the mistake. If there really is only one h, it could be that they just made the letters look in that style, but they look the same to me.
T: Ehh? I want to line Filth up next to this magazine.
J: Yeah
J, K: Hahaha
T: Don't you have it here? Filth?
K: We do.
T: Lets put them out together!
K: When I saw this (*Young Jump*) though, well, I thought it was quite rare*3, it could become a talking point. If you take a bad thing in a smooth way, someone will notice, so I thought we could just go with it.
J: Brilliant!
K: And then I posted on Twitter, like 'Ooops'. And that was a photo of the actual magazine, so it really was like 'ooops'.
T: As soon as I saw your Tweet, I was like 'Huh?!' and I went to the convenience store and bought it. haha
J: Well, in that sense it is a rare item
T: Can we decide on the correct reading for this? How would you say it?
K: Ge-ri?
J: Dir en gery (ge-ri).
K: jeri? geri?
J: geri? jeri?
T: gari?
J: Its geri, right? Well, jeri is like..
K: In the basic form its geri, right?
J: Yeah. jeri might have to be 'Gerry' with two r's. Which is best Dir en jeri or Dir en geri?
T: Should we decide? Even though it doesn't really matter.
J: Yeah
J: Dir en geri sounds like a struggling country rock artist or something, haha. Dir en jeri has jellyfish vibes.
T: The official name: Dir en Gery (jeri). haha.
J: I want you guys to do a joke live show as Dir en gery. You could switch parts, like Kaoru, you could be on drums.
K: Ah, but we did kinda do that once, we changed parts on stage. I just made a load of noise.
J: Ahh, so you could do that as Dir en gery somewhere officially and play one song.
T: Ahh, thats a good idea.
J: Do a cover or something.
T: You could do ???*4
K: Er, no. haha.
J: Haha, this will getting bigger and bigger.
T: But I heard recently at the MeguroRokumaykanGIG screening, Kyo said that Toshiya used to play guitar a long time ago.
K: He was playing guitar the first time we saw him playing in a band...well, I don't know if he was playing it, or just waving it around a lot.
T: Yeah, Kyo said the stage was going wild.
K: Yeah, he wasn't playing.
J: So, when you guys switched instruments on stage, what did you do Kaoru?
K: Drums.
J: Oh, drums?
K: Thats the one I wanna try out the most.
J: So if you guys played as Dir en gery, Kaoru, you would be..?
T: Drums?
K:...Nah....*imitates playing the castanets*
J: Tambourine? Oh, castanets? So, it doesn't necessarily have to be the same instruments you play at the moment?
K: Yeah. As long as we play as a proper band.
J: Yeah, so Kyo could play the recorder..
T: Someone could hit the ???*5
J: Yeah, yeah. Oh, that would be good.
*The single Filth gets passed over*
K: I'll just get it out.
*K shows cover jacket to J*
J: Oh, here, right?
K: Can you see, there are two h's.
J: Yes. I see.
*K shows it to T*
J: The first h is a typo?
K: Yeah.
T: Its a bit difficult to spot though.
K: We didn't even notice, we thought it was just the design.
J: Yeah. Put them together now.
*K puts magazine and CD together*
J, T: Hahaha
K: By the way, it was the same person who designed both of these.
J, T: Haha
K: When he saw it he was so pained.
T: Its ok, ???*6
J: Ahh, well, it can't be helped though.
*On screen note: Again? (weird voice appears)*
J: Even if there is a spelling mistake, its conveying the atmosphere that is the main thing.
K: Yeah, thats the emphasis.
J: But on the other hand, you could say that as soon as 'Dir' appears, people recognise it as Dir en grey, even with this kind of misspelling. The name is that well know.
T: Hmm, yeh
K: Hm, well, yeh, if you look at it up to here. But for us, its impossible.
J: Well, I guess yeah. It goes for Rolling Stones too. For example, if the last n in Rolling Stones became an m, you wouldn't immediately spot it. If it came up all of a sudden, you would just think 'Ah, the Stones'. It's that kind of name recognition. You could see it in that way. But I didn't know it was the same designer who did it both times.
K: Our boss was pretty mad about it.
J, T: Hahaha
J: Really? I see.
K: He couldn't believe it.
J: Well, yeah. Its also the most important part.
T: Well, yeah, and cause its already in circulation.
J: Yeah. Well, everyone can keep it as a treasure.
K: Where's Kami?
J: Yeah, isn't he here?
Kami: Oh, Im here, I was just listening the whole time. People make mistakes, right?
T: They do.
Kami: This is just a mistake. So its wrong to point blame.
T, J: Yes.
J: Kami, have you made a mistake recently or something?
Kami: Im always making mistakes, and always getting into trouble.
J, T: Haha
Kami: As soon as you've made a mistake, it hurts, right?
T: Yeah, I know that feeling.
Kami: Yeah.
J: Yeah, the person who made the mistake knows it, you don't have to tell them.
T: Yeah, that hurts the most.
Kami: I bet if you made a mistake like this though, you'd get into big trouble.
T, K: Haha
Kami: I think you really would.
T: Well, heh, yeah. But if even Die overlooked this..its like a demon interferred..
J: Yeah, unbelievable.
K: But, anyway, Im taking it in a good way. Well, I mean, it's not good to take just any old thing in a positive way, but....its a bit like those remarks by Mori that we discussed recently.
J: Oh yeah.
K: Like how to move on with it.
J: Yeah, we can learn from that.
K: Yeah.
*Sound cuts out. On screen note: Suddenly, we were unable to record to voices. Was it linked to that sound we heard earlier?*
K: Um, the sound..
J: It seems as if the sound went off.
T: I wonder whether its to do with what we just talked about?
K: What, like, 'Stop this conversation?'
J: Haha, like from ths designer's perspective...'Please stop it!'
T: Haha, yeah, 'Please!'
J: So, what about the Oboro single?
K: So, we're at the last stage, just the mastering, and a little more discussion, and we're about finished. And then the packaging. Well, there's just a little bit longer till the 28th, about another month.
J: Well, Im looking forward to it.
K: Ok, lets finish here for this week. Thank you.
*On screen note: The voice that no-one, including the staff, heard during recording was recorded into the mic data.*
*1,4,5,6 Couldn't catch
*2, 3 Not entirely sure
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12, 14, 15!
12. What’s the hardest thing to write for you?
describing things. like, dialogue? no problem. everything else? pain.
14. What’s your favorite shipping fic you’ve written? Favorite gen fic?
i think all of my fics are shipping fics lol, i dont think i have any gen fics
15.Give us a snippet of something from your WiPs!
ok heres a little WIP Wenesday for yall from ch 3 of poison paradise
Nicky looked a bit taken back. “She asked you out?” she asked, then paused. “That shouldn’t surprise me, actually. She seems like the type of girl that knows what she wants.”
“I’m glad she’s assertive,” Brooke nodded. “People think she’s my sugar baby, but she’s not. She’s my girlfriend – she was fine before me and she’d be fine without me, we just prefer to be even better together. But anyway, why do you ask? Does this have to do with Jan?”
“Well… yes,” Nicky nodded. “We’ve been having sex nonstop for over a week and… I don’t know, what’s that brain chemical that comes out during sex? That makes you feel feelings?”
Brooke scratched her head. “Oxytocin?”
“Yeah, that,” she nodded. “I don’t know if it’s that, or if I have romantic feelings for her, but something is there. Something good is there.”
It brought a warm smile to Brooke’s face to hear how Nicky talked about Jan. It did remind her of herself when she started to realize she was starting to develop feelings for Vanessa. It was cute, in a way. “I can’t stress this enough – you need to communicate. Communication has been the ultimate saving grace, especially now with this whole Kameron thing.”
Nicky nodded. “You have a good point. How is the Kameron thing going anyway?”
Brooke pressed her lips together and strummed her fingers against the table. “It’s going alright. I mean, I trust Vanjie implicitly, so I don’t really need to hear the details.”
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Ghibli Museum!
On Wenesday, my family took me to the Ghibli Museum! It was so surreal, the whole place made you feel like you were in a Ghibli movie. In order to get tickets, there is a few methods. You can’t purchase them on site. My family decided to go with the method of purchasing ours from a Lawson convenience store about a month in advance. When you first arrive, you’ll be greeted by the Totoro letting you know that you made it!
Upon entrance, you’ll turn in your ticket for a movie ticket that they’ll stamp when you go to see the short film that they’re showing at that time (changes every few months and can only be seen at the ghibli museum). The ticket has a reel of images from a ghibli film, so you can hold it up to the light at try to puzzle out what tilm yours is from. This one is from Howl’s Moving Castle!
After this, you go in and are free to roam around the exhibits as much as you want! You aren’t allowed to take photos inside so unfortunately I have nothing to show you from behind the doors, and I don’t want to spoil anything so I won’t say a lot - but it was magical. It seriously makes you feel like you’ve transported into a Ghibli movie. When we went, there was a room that had a lot of different pieces showing off a lot of different elements of illustration and animation, a room containing many original sketches and character designs, and a room showing different factors that play into color, as well as a couple other small exhibits. There is also the roof that has a giant robot from Laputa!
Of course, a trip to the Ghibli museum wouldn’t be complete without at least taking a LOOK at the gift shop! Some items are exclusive to the museum, others are not, but they have something for everybody! I couldn’t help but get a few goodies!
Overall, the Ghibli museum was a ton of fun, and it made me really happy to the point of getting emotional that I got to go. I really really felt how much my host family loves me - they knew how bad I wanted to come and they wanted to make it happen equally to if not more than me. I hope I get to go again before I go home! It’s one of those places I could go like 10 times and it still wouldn’t be enough. If you get the chance to to to Japan and you’re a fan if Ghibli or anime, you would really love visiting this spot!
I’ll be writing a small bit about the hurricane that hit soon here, so be on the look out! Until then, じゃね〜
#japan#studio ghibli#exchange student#study abroad#howl’s moving castle#castle in the sky#ponyo#spirited away#otaku#ghibli#my neighbor totoro
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What was your most memorable day?
#mentalhealth #writeitout #Wednesday #journaling #journalprompts #journaltopic #writerscommunity #writing
#writingprompt #writingtopic #humpdayvibes #humpday
#mental health#pulseincorp#mental health medics#positive mental attitude#pulseinc#crisis help#peer support#journal topic#write it wednesday#wednesday#writing prompt#writing tools#write it out wenesday#write it down#write it out#writing topics#journaling#journal prompts#journals#writers community
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Return of Superman: Intro
Introduction - Ho Jung Ep - Dae Ep - IKON Special.
Pairing: TK
Series: Rebels Fake Kpop Group AU
Rating: Fluff, Family
Synopsis: TK and Mi Na’s first moments on Return Of Superman
TK let out a sigh as he sat on the black covered background, he fumbled with the sleeves on his arms slightly before speaking.
"Uh, hello," He spoke nervously and smiled, "My name is TK, I'm the main rapper for an idol group called Rebels, I'm twenty eight years old and I have a five year old daughter named Mi Na, she was born around the time my group debuted but I had no idea about her,"
TK swallowed thickly before continuing.
"My ex, Mi Na's biological mother, she wasn't a nice person and I only came to know Mi Na after I had finished my enlistment in 2016," TK smiled sheepishly, "I should say, my name is Ki Teak and I am a single father,"
TK let out a yawn as he shuffled down the hallway of his penthouse, pulling down the black shirt he had thrown on to cover his tattoos. His neck and was still blurred out no doubt. His penthouse was massive a spacious, two master bedrooms, one belonging to himself and the other to his daughter, three spare rooms and his home studio.
The kitchen overlooked a large lounge room, a massive TV covered majority of the wall, there was also a balcony that over looked Seoul. He shuffled into the kitchen, yawning again as he walked to the fridge. TK blinked a few times and looked at the plan on the fridge.
“Wenesday..,” He whispered, “What did she write for Wenesday again..?”
After nearly two minutes of staring at the fridge, TK turned and slapped his hand on the coffee machine, turning it on.
“As an active idol and parent, I have a really busy schedule and I don’t sleep much,” TK explained, “I work a lot during night so that I have time to spend with my daughter, Mi Na is also home schooled so I keep up with that as well,”
After a cup of coffee, TK pulled apples, yogurt and juice from the fridge. He bit into one of the apples before cutting the other, placing them in a bowl with the yongurt. By this time, the sound of soft footsteps sound down the hallway.
“Appa,” Mi Na yawned, shuffling into the kitchen.
“Morning,’ TK whispered, picking up Mi Na in one arm and the bowl in the other, walking over to the lounge and setting her down, “How’d you sleep?”
“Did you work last night?” Mi Na asked as TK placed down the bowl in front of her.
He chuckled at his daughter, turning on the TV, “You’re spending too much time with Aunty Dae,”
Mi Na poked her tongue out at her father as he flicked through the channels tiredly, she perked up and grabbing his pant leg, shaking it furiously.
“Ikontv!” Mi Na pointed to the TV, “It’s B.I’s turn!”
“Okay okay, I’m putting on Ikontv,” TK chuckled again, flicking over to youtube and searching for the video.
In no time, Mi Na was sat comfortably in front of the tv with her breakfast and juice, being entertained by the seven boys on screen. TK walked back into the kitchen, cleaning his mess before biting into the apple again, looking at the other plan on the fridge.
“I don’t have a wife or girlfriend so I do most things by myself,” TK explained, “My group member, Dae, helps a lot, she organizes a lot of Mi Na’s things that I struggle with like what to feed Mi Na, helping with Mi Na’s schooling and my schedules, everything would be a mess without Dae..,”
“Appa!”
The sound of Mi Na yelling made TK turn quickly, looking at his daughter from the kitchen. She looked up at him innocent.
“Can you buy me B.I Oppa?” Mi Na asked.
#rebels fake kpop group au#finally started this#rebels fake kpop group#fake kpop group#kpop oc#kpop group au#kpop group oc
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Dreams i’ve had recently that i’ve decided to write down. (Only two so far lol)
Warning: absolutely terrible spelling because I wrote these mostly when I just woke up and.. I just am a horrible speller in general lol. Also these both feature Markiplier???
Wenesday April 24, 2019
Sonic and tails were there listening to a sonic song while I was with them since I came to the presentation late?
Then some lady tried to steal my coles bag. (she was probably a crackhead)
Then me and madotsuki went on thisadventure, we went on anothr but also invited ib.
Some lady also talked abut how lovng a online characterunhealthily is bad or smth.
And I beat up that girl whostole cole bag
Markiplier was my teaher and he was leaving so he gave us all sometjing so we could remember h
Thursday 25 April 2019
My sister was leaving and I got to pic out some of her stuff so I took mostly all of it but then with the sharpener she was like “I swore I was going to keep this forver” but she ended up taking the one I wowned. Then my brother took this oil painting one and I was all jelly so I tried to get it before he ruined it but he kept saying no and made a brown mess in a corner. He said it was a posiones potion and he went away so I screped it off and took the oil painting. Before I took it my brother added two trees to it. Then I took it to this girl and it became her (and I’s) and her neighbours campsite, they spent one night here then in the morning the neighbor was gone. So we visited their house (which was empty unril they came back home) tunrs out they oved away to not be annoyed bt the girl.
so we had to leave thy house and the brother led us to like this area here people were competing and we had to try and leave so we just crawled under these steps and got to this winners area that was above ground (there were snacks and two other people there, one who was markiplier at first but then markip;lier became the leader sooo). we tried to get off but we couldn’t it would teleport us back. but when getting off I realized it played music and I was like “guys, we have to sing the song it plays to get off” and it played that troll song that’s old. Then we got off and the leader (who turned out o be markiplier) gave me slippers (that changed into a bunny hat thing later) that were too big. He sad something like “for Dawn who was too busy not singing for as she was trying ti help” abd everyone else also got off. Then we looked through a gift shop and wondered if anything was free. And I pointed out ab apple watch and was like “that’s deifinetely not free’. Then we were looking at some hats and stuff then we saw fairy themed things and I got excited. Then I was like “pffffft im not into childish/girly stuff” but then someon brang up a fairy thing while I said ythat and I saw it and was like “eeeek”
Then there was a box ful of cute fairy pic (the same one) and I was like “im gonna take these “ and so I started to take them when markiplier came oer and asked what I was doing (I think) and he was like “wanna help me pic out another pic” . so along wit this fairy pic it was pics of other things (there was a little witch academia pic of sucy and friends) and more. We couldn’t decided and then I woke up.
(I’m sure more happened I just can’t remember it, apparently in my dream I said I’d had a dream like this before but hmm)
Extra details: there were a dodgeball area, area that was maze like, trying to get someone while they’re behind walls. There were some people I knew (like Latisha, Jillian.). It was my sister Gemma who was leaving and my sister Tamika who told me to pick stuff out. The friend was named something like anna or sarah
Also while I sat down and markiplier talked to us (when we won) I had icing on my fingers and was talking with the other people, one of em jokingly said “give me your slippers instead lol” and I had a flushed face due to wnning
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chill day and got to end it by exploring shibuya! ate some okonomiyaki with qinny and finally tried cremia too! hehe i love it when people come to visit :)
12/4/2019 - Wenesday
went to shibuya, bought letter paper at loft and then went to eat okonomiyaki. it was delicious! and i got to flip it too! then qinny and i went to look for the new pokemon store, but we accidentally went to shibuya scramble when it was actually in shibuya parco. we went back to shibuya parco, checked out the pokemon store and bait! i definitely need to go back to just explore!!
stopped at a cafe for dessert and i had a delicious cremia cheesecake dessert nummy :) qinny had a waffle with berries and cookies and cream ice cream
grabbed a bento from school and went to the lgbtq+ center for a cute lil lunch! it was so chill and i felt really comfortable! i can’t wait to get to know everyone a bit better! it’s gonna be a weekly thing, so i’m really excited for next week!
that was about all i can remember since i’m writing this a day late oop hehe but my g crossed too!! so i’m officially a g and my litto is a biggo!! they seem like such a cool class and i can’t wait to officially meet them in feb/march!
today was a 4🎮/5🎮
i ate at:
こてがえし - 〒150-0042 Tokyo, Shibuya City, Udagawacho, 25−4
SHIBUYA COFFEE - 〒150-0042 Tokyo, Shibuya City, Udagawacho, 13−4, 丸 秀 ビル 2F
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Writer Wenesday -Reach out
Everyone knows someone. That’s the general rule in the business world. When you treat your writing like a business, you learn to leverage those connections to produce, or market, a better product.
Some writers shy away from asking strangers for interview opportunities, or to endorse their book. The harsh truth is, unless you conquer that attitude, your book is going one place–nowhere.
Inst…
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How does culture influence intervention
"We inhabit a universe that is characterised by diversity"
We live in such a diverse world with people who have different interesting cultures. Which is a beautiful thing because as occupational therapists we always consider the clients culture during treatment, because it's fundamental to always be client centered in Occupational Therapy.
My client is part of the Zulu culture which believes that offerings and sacrifices are to be done to ancestors for good health, protection and happiness. They also believe that the spirit of ancestors come into the world through dreams, snakes and illnesses. Thus my client believes that the reason why he had a bilateral amputation was because of an angry spirit from the ancestors because he has not offered or sacrificed anything to the ancestors in a long time.
Which I find quite interesting, makes me question if il ever blame an illness to my culture and beliefs? Or would I just blame it to the universe or myself?
"A culture of safety is a journey. Not a destination. It requires our continuing diligence"
Throughout the sessions with my client I realised that he feels as if he needs to make as much money as possible in order to be able to make offerings and sacrifices to his ancestors through ceremonies so as to remove the dark cloud that has caused soo many bad luck in his life. And in my intervention periods I would educate my client about his employment equity rights, Act, No. 55 of 1998 protects disabled people against any unfair discrimination and also entitles disabled people to affirmative action. I would also let him know about the possible work options he can apply for now, this would allow my client to generate an income thus allowing him to save money for ancestral ceremonies. I also indirectly intervened with his disability grant, I spoke to his Dr last week Wenesday to write my client a letter for him go get a disability grant. My client received the letter today hence he can get the grant and save money for ancestral ceremonies.
Before I found out that my client had received a disability grant letter, my supervisor advised me to write all the assessment findings that proves that my client is medically fit for a disability grant and then the doctor could just sign the letter for my client, to make the process go faster. I thought that was a good idea as it speeds up the process and it also facilitate for team work with different proffesions within the hospital. In future I shall communicate and alise more with the nurses, Doctors etc .
My clients culture has had a huge impact on my treatment sessions. As I would plan treatment based on my clients cultural beliefs, values and occupational choices. My client strongly believes that his community may have had an impact on his amputations through witchcraft. I have psychologically advised my client to not want to have some form of revenge to his community as two wrongs never make a right. And introduced him some effective copying strategies in terms of his great need to want to blame other people for his illnesses.
Https://www.Everyculture.com/wc.rwanda-to-syrio.zulu.htm
Https://the-scientists.com
Https://en.m.wikipedia.org
Gov.za (2017). The constitution of the republic of the south African Government
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it’s wenesday,and you know what that means...
sorry not sorry i will never not love this guys it still cracks me up because i’m a dork
since mondays, wednesdays and thursdays are my free days i’ve been taking spending more time out of the house this week. usually i go to the community college (where i’m currently writing this post from!) but sometimes Starbucks, McDonalds; pretty much anywhere with somewhat comfortable seating and wi-fi.
i don’t want to jinx myself or seem like i only look on the negative side of things, but my mood has done a complete 360 from where it was a week ago.
i’ve felt more motivated and calmer than i have in months, which is pretty awesome, especially considering that the weather this time of year does not always agree with me or my depression, which i know happens to a lot of people.
i definitely ain’t knockin’ it, though!
it might be too soon to tell, but when i went last week to see my NP, who is very much aware of how my living situation has impacted my mental health, she suggested taking me off Cymbalta and trying Zoloft instead. Though I like staying pretty consistent with what meds I take, I trust this woman and her judgement immensely. She genuinely listens to me and my concerns, and thanks to her I now know that I’m ADHD and take Adderall to help with my focus and concentration.
I know from experience, having been on anti-depressants since I was 21, that meds take about a month to really get into your system; I’m only a week into easing off the Cymbalta and gradually introducing the Zoloft but I can truly say it’s helping and making a difference already. It almost makes me want to cry (happily of course) because the rut I’ve been stuck in is the absolute worst and it’s starting to feel like i’m more myself again. like my anxiety is there but as overwhelming as i’m used to it being.
i’m sure i don’t have to tell anyone what a relief it is.
as always, i thank you for reading and for your support; you’re awesome and i appreciate you so much! ^_^
~A ❤️
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i’m not quite sure how to describe how i’ve been feeling for the past few days. unhappy, in a word. but it runs deeper than that. it’s more like i’ve been reflecting over where i am in my life right now at this moment, and i feel so unconfident in the plan i’ve laid out for myself. i’m 20 years old now. i am pursuing a degree in engineering, but i honestly hate it. it’s so much math and science and technology and materials, and it just isn’t me. or, maybe it’s not who i want to be. i’m so conflicted over what i want and what i know the people in my life expect from me. for example, although in my daily life when people ask me why i chose engineering i reply “i don’t know,” i think i have pinned down two very specific reasons that i chose this degree.
1. my parents paid for private school for me since i was literally in kindergarten. and while i recognize that that was there choice that i didn’t really have a hand in making (until i suppose middle school when i could have transferred), i definitely feel guilty about it. i think they expect me to go and do great things with my private-school education because they thought of that education as an investment in my future. which i guess it was? but i don’t know i don’t tend to think of education as an investment. i don’t know why. i think there are so many human factors that aren’t accounted for when you think of education as an investment. like, sometimes you send someone to private school and pay a lot for their education and it makes them realize more the life they don’t want than the life they do. i think that’s what happened with my sister, to be honest. they rebelled and turned away from the opportunity to be successful. i jumped straight into it. so yeah: guilt is number one the reason i chose this major.
2. i really like the prestige. i like when people ask me what i’m going to school for, and i reply “engineering,” and they just think it’s SO IMPRESSIVE. i know i shouldn’t live my life for other people. like in my head i think i know that. but i always have. i don’t really have a true sense of self to tell the truth. in high school, i took AP math and science because it made me feel so smart to be in the hardest math in school. i think there is still a part of me that feels like that dumbass 6th grader who couldn’t grasp the concept of negative numbers and only passed 6th-grade math because my teacher was so dumb that she put a homework grade in the book as 10/100 instead of 10/10. so i wanted to take a hard math and a hard science. i like when people think i’m smart. probably because when people initially see me, they assume i’m not smart. i know why. i don’t hold myself to be intelligent. i never have. maybe because i’m not really that smart. or maybe that’s my imposter’s syndrome talking who knows. but no matter. reason two: engineering makes me feel smart.
but it also makes me feel so fucking dumb. like when i struggle in my classes, i just think, “i’m not cut out for this. i can’t do this. i am not smart enough.” maybe i’m being too hard on myself. but... idk i just feel so dumb. i feel like a god damn moron, and i feel like the people around me are so much smarter than me. but sometimes things happen and i realize maybe i am one of the smarter people in the room. like, when i do diffy q hw with my classmates, i actually knew how to tackle the problems. i surprised myself. but i was able to do it, and i could spot the patterns and more an afternoon i thought how i CAN do this. i can major in engineering.
but there’s still the problem of “why am i here?” other than the two reasons i outlined for choosing mech e, i really hope there is some underlying appreciation for mechanical engineering and that that’s the secret reason i chose mech e. but there isn’t. not really.
sometimes, i think if i stopped living my life for other people, maybe i would go teach high school math or something. i like teaching people. i think it’s fun. it gives me an opportunity to spout what i know. i could teach math or physics or something. that sounds really fun. but it isn’t glamorous at all. and brianna might be able to choose nursing over pharmacy, but i want the prestige and the glory.
i kinda want to go to law school, too. it seems exhausting and difficult. but i think it sounds like fun, too. i think law is so interesting. but also a little boring?
i remember being a freshman in college and thinking “do i want to major in humanities or in STEM?” and i chose STEM. that was my decision, reasons outlined above. but would i be happier in the humanities? probably not. but maybe. when i have to read and write for hours, i wish i had some kind of equation or math to solve. sometimes that grounds me; something that makes sense. but when i do math for hours on end... when i’m going to engr class after engr class... it’s so exhausting i wish i just had a break. i wish i had something to read or something to discuss. 6 years ago, i thought for sure that i was a science over humanities person. but now? after having met influential people in my life, i’ve developed such a deep appreciation for art and the humanities. idk. i just. i feel so sad.
i feel sad because i don’t know what i want. and i’m scared that if i define what i want, and i don’t get it then i’ll experience failure and that feeling is terrifying. so i’m scared and i’m sad and i’m confused. and i feel like the people in my life just know where they fit. just so easily, they knew business, or computer science, or design. and i... i don’t. i don’t know what i want. i have never known what i want.
it’s not just my major. it’s nearly everything in my life. i don’t even know my sexuality becuase thinking about it depresses me. i just feel so lost. i can’t believe i’m 20 years old. i feel so old. i feel like my life is over, and it hasn’t even begun.
i don’t even know if i care about making money. on the one hand, i want to be comfortable. i hate the feeling of not having any money. but, i don’t really care about the flamorous 6-figure salary. i thought i did once. but i was younger and more selfish back then. honestly, sometimes i think i’d like to just be a teacher. but i’d probably hate that. just like i hate everything. just like i’ll never be happy. just like that. i’m tired right now. maybe i should just go to sleep. i have an exam wenesday, and i don’t really know what it’s on.
sometimes when i go to sleep sad, i wake up and i think, “what the fuck was that about? i can do anything.” additionally, i should probably find a therapist. it’d be smart.
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