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kunoichihatake · 2 years

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Chapter 1

A/n: Hellooo everyone! Finally, here is the long-promised first chapter of my first original story 😮 As I said in this post, I’m still not quite happy with it, so if you have any feedback (praise or criticism) please don’t hesitate to share! (Just be polite if you’re offering criticism 😅) I also wanted to note that I’m not 100% set on many of the names, and if you have a greater knowledge of Japanese names than me and think something looks odd, please tell me! I’m just some girl with very little knowledge of Japanese using google so I’m certainly not an expert 😂

That all being said, I really hope you enjoy my story, and that I’ll have many more chapters to post as time goes on 💕✨ Thank you all for your love and support throughout the years. I look forward to this next chapter (literally) together with excitement :)

It was the year 777 when the angels first made contact with Earth. The angels that arrived numbered 200, and are now referred to as the Watchers. Though their God-given task was to watch over the humans on Earth, they soon began to lust for human women. Under the command of their leader, the Watchers began to procreate with humans and teach them forbidden knowledge, such as the use of enchantments and various methods with which to kill other humans. This angered God, and thus commenced the first Heavenly War. Loyal angels were dispatched from heaven by the thousands, and they laid the Watchers to rest deep beneath the ground, never to walk among the humans again.

However, the Watchers had already left their mark on the planet. Many of the children of God that dwelled the Earth were offspring of the Watchers, and wielded special powers granted to them by their parents. Though this made the Lord burn with anger, he had sworn to never wipe out humanity again, and let the children of the Watchers live and go on to have children of their own.

Today, an estimated 25% of the population is descended from the Watchers and wields heavenly power. The existence of these descendants has been a hotly debated social issue for centuries, with some parties wanting to embrace the supernatural powers of these humans and others wanting to exile them from society entirely -- or worse. Today, special institutions have been built to educate…

“Would you quit clicking your pen, please?” A voice whispered. The boy grunted quietly in reply, but didn’t cease his clicking. Its near rhythmic sound broke the room that was silent other than their teacher’s lecture, piercing her ears with every motion. Click click click click. The girl waited a moment before prodding again. “Please stop, it’s really annoying.”

“You’re really annoying,” he replied, increasing the speed of his clicking as well as the volume of his voice. He shifted back in his seat, making himself comfortable. “Why do you want to listen to this shit anyway? We hear the exact same spiel every year.”

“I think it’s important to know where we came from. If we don’t learn history, we are doomed to repeat it.” He snorted at her reply.

“Mrs. Akechi and Mr. Shishinome, does there seem to be a problem?” The teacher paused his narration and stared at the two, his eyes as dull as his tone. The rest of the class already had their eyes on the pair. Akechi turned bright red, her amber eyes wide.

“He’s disturbing the class with his constant pen clicking. I can’t focus on the lecture,” she replied, somewhat self-righteously. Shishinome rolled his eyes, finally turning his head toward her and fixing his silver eyes on hers.

“We hear the same crap every year, you should have it memorized by now,” he replied. Akechi turned even redder.

“Okay, you two, settle down and pay attention,” the teacher said boredly, returning to his monologue. Akechi slumped down in her seat, her side profile sinking behind her hair, while Shishinome returned to his pen clicking. Between the two of them, Hiroko Kawashima let out a soft sigh, twisting a strand of her long, dark purple hair around her finger slowly. Her right hand held a pencil poised above her notebook, but she hadn’t written a single thing yet except the date. Surname: Akechi. Given name: Riko. Age: 16. Gift: script enchantments. Personality: intelligent, rules-oriented, introverted. Surname: Shishinome. Given name: Katsuro. Age: 15. Gift: summoning weapons. Personality: abrasive, loud, disinterested in others. The information about her classmates she’d been forced to memorize ran through her head like a ticker tape, despite the fact that she didn’t want to remember this information about her people whose names she wasn’t even supposed to know yet.

I wish I was normal. I wish I was normal. I wish… From the corner of her eye, she could see her classmates whispering to each other, falling asleep, passing notes. I wish I belonged here.

“Hey, what’s your name?” A girl with light green eyes and thick hair of the same shade stood in front of Hiroko’s desk, smiling down at her. She’d placed her hands on the desk, and was leaning on them, fixing Hiroko with an intense yet friendly gaze. Surname: Fukuchi. Given name: Jia. Age: 15. Gift: plant growth and manipulation. Personality: bubbly, outgoing, strong-willed. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Next to her stood Akechi, whose face had returned to its normal color after the incident from earlier had passed. Her amber eyes met Hiroko’s, and she gave a soft smile as well.

“Kawashima,” Hiroko replied, her voice sounding unconfident. “Hiroko Kawashima.”

“Nice to meet ya!” The green-haired girl stuck out a hand, and Hiroko stared for a moment before reluctantly shaking it. “I’m Jia Fukuchi. You’ve already heard from my friend here.”

“I’m Riko Akechi,” Akechi replied. “Please ignore what happened earlier. I don’t want that to be everyone’s first impression of me.” She groaned softly, pressing her fingers to her forehead. Her chin-length dark brown hair tilted forward, hiding her face, and Hiroko noticed she had a thick braid running between her ears and across the top of her head. Like her personality, she was pretty in a refined way.

“Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.” Hiroko said softly. She smiled at Akechi, and Akechi smiled back.

“Anyway,” Fukuchi continued, “we’re trying to ask the girls in class to join us for lunch, since most of you guys probably don’t know anyone else here. Want to join us?”

Hiroko nodded, feeling even more like a liar. I already know everyone here, but they don’t know me. “Great! I’ll go recruit some more people, and we can walk to the cafeteria together!” Fukuchi flitted off to the next girl in the class and began the cycle of introductions again.

“She’s always been such a socialite,” Akechi chuckled, watching Fukuchi with a smile. “I don’t know how she does it, but she seems to get along with everyone.”

“Do you know each other?” Hiroko said. Stupid question, of course they do. Why else would she say that? the voice in her head berated her.

“Yeah, we’ve been friends since we were in elementary school,” Akechi replied. “We were really happy to get into the same high school, especially since Tenshi Academy is so hard to get into.”

“That’s right. The acceptance rate dropped below ten percent this year, right? It’s a bit crazy to think that we beat out that many people.” Hiroko chuckled slightly, trying to hide the nervousness in her voice.

“Especially with how brutal the entrance exam was,” Akechi groaned. “At least the permit exam should be a piece of cake after that. I still can’t believe that they’re making us take it so early, though. Isn’t it normally at the end of freshman year? It seems ridiculous to make us take it over the summer with the retakes.”

Hiroko swallowed. “I, uh, didn’t take the entrance exam, actually. Was it that bad?” Akechi’s eyes widened, and she started to open her mouth to reply.

“Whoa, you got in on recommendations?” Fukuchi popped back up next to the two of them, most of the other girls in the class in tow. “That’s so cool! I’ve heard there’s only a couple each year. You must be something special.” The other girls had surprised looks on their faces as well, and some began whispering to each other, all staring at Hiroko. Despite that, they still seemed pretty friendly, she thought. But they’ll come to hate you once they find out who you really are, whispered the voice in her head.

“I really don’t know why I was accepted. I’m not anything special,” Hiroko replied. She turned her gaze down to her desk, uncomfortable with all of the eyes on her.

“You’re so modest,” Fukuchi chuckled. “I’m sure you have a badass gift. Anyway,” she said, turning to the other girls, “let’s eat! I’m starving.” The girls made their way to the cafeteria, and many of them introduced themselves to Hiroko. She caught herself wondering if the sudden interest was simply due to her status as having gotten into the Academy on recommendations. Regardless of the reason for the introductions, the more she made, the more of an imposter she felt.

The girls grabbed lunch and found an empty table, filing into the many available seats. Quickly, they dug in, admiring the incredible food served by the school’s culinary team. The head chef was one of the finest in the nation, and he certainly lived up to his reputation.

“I can’t believe how much of a jerk that one guy was earlier,” a blond girl, whose name Hiroko remembered to be Mahiru Koushi, said to Akechi. “What was his problem?”

“Who knows?” Akechi sighed, poking at her noodles.

“His name is Shishinome, right?” Fukuchi asked. “Doesn’t he have a terrible reputation?”

“Yeah, he’s super aggressive and rude,” someone replied. “People say he assaulted some girl in middle school.”

“What?” many voices exclaimed at once, all other conversation at the table going silent as the other girls turned to stare at the girl at the end of the table. The speaker, Shiraishi Iwa, looked, for a moment, taken aback by the surprised response, as if she thought it was common knowledge. She hesitated for a moment, as if reconsidering, then continued.

“People saw him confront her after school one day, and the next day, she showed her friends she had a ton of bruises. She said he didn’t do it, but where else could they have come from?” The other girls exchanged worried glances, and for a moment, no one said anything. Hiroko kept her eyes locked on her food, but her appetite had disappeared.

“I don’t know if I feel safe with someone like him being in our class.” Koushi’s soft voice broke the brief silence.

“Don’t worry about him, Mahiru.” Fukuchi, who was sitting next to the blond, threw an arm around her shoulder. “There’s no way he’s going to lay a finger on you or anyone else, because he does, we’re all going to kick his ass.” Koushi gave her a small smile.

“Looks like you two are already on a first-name basis,” Akechi remarked amusedly from her place at Hiroko’s side.

“I guess so,” Koushi said. Her face was beginning to relax from its worried expression, and it made Hiroko feel a bit more at ease, too. Still, the issue of Shishinome and his supposed aggression weighed on her mind.

“Hiroko!” a familiar voice called out, and she froze. No, not him. Not now. She turned to look toward the source of the noise, trying to keep her expression neutral. A tall, slender boy in the Academy’s white uniform was approaching their table. His dark blue hair and deep purple eyes were all too familiar to her, as was the fake grin plastered on his face.

“Who’s that?” Akechi whispered in her ear. Hiroko forced a smile, keeping her face turned toward the boy.

“Hey, Hideyoshi,” she said, her voice neither excited nor fearful. He grinned even brighter.

“Welcome to the Academy! How’s your first day been so far?” He shoved his hands in his pockets, playing up his cheekiness. It made her stomach churn.

“It’s been great.” She could hear her heart pounding in her ears, but focused her energy on maintaining her composure in front of her classmates, whose eyes she could feel on her like a dozen needles. What does he want?

“That’s awesome!” His face was practically sparkling, and out of her peripheral vision, Hiroko could see that the other girls were eating it up. Fukuchi was whispering something to Koushi, her eyebrows waggling as Koushi’s cheeks turned red. “Hey, since you’re done eating, why don’t we go for a quick walk? I want to show you some of my favorite parts of the Academy and catch up a bit. It’s been a while.” Of course, he knew I’d be done eating by now and the others wouldn’t. He’s a spy through and through, that’s for sure.

“Go on,” Akechi nudged Hiroko’s shoulder. “We’ll see you in class, okay?” Unable to disagree, Hiroko nodded, standing up from the lunch table and following Hideyoshi toward the exit. He had even taken the liberty of grabbing her lunch dishes, and put them away for her nonchalantly as they walked. Curious faces looked up at the two of them as they left, wondering what a third-year boy could possibly have to do with a first-year girl on the first day of school. Hiroko was sure they weren’t assuming anything good.

One of those faces was Katsuro Shishinome, who was too distracted by the sight to listen to whatever dumb crap Tsuchiyama was rambling on about. He had seen the girl that sat next to him in class leave the cafeteria with some tall guy that she didn’t seem to like too much. A boyfriend?, he thought. It had to be a troubled relationship, judging by her demeanor. She maintained a neutral expression, but he could tell from the difference between how she had interacted with her friends earlier and how she carried herself now that she hated the guy. Those dumb friends of hers didn’t even notice, he thought. They were too busy swooning over him. He’s ugly as hell, too.

“Shishinome,” Tsuchiyama said, staring at him with an irritated expression. “Dude, are you even listening to me?”

“Whatever,” Katsuro said, stabbing a pea with his fork and shoving it in his mouth unceremoniously. “You only talk about stupid shit, anyway.” Tsuchiyama began to defend himself, visibly upset, but Katsuro didn’t care. His eyes were focused on watching the pair leave the cafeteria.

Something’s up with that girl. And I’m gonna figure out what it is.

#pleaseee leave ur feedback and ideas for what you wanna see next <3 i have rough ideas but i'm still swimming in too many of them hahhaha #creative writing #original writing #writeblr #writing #young adult #ya

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taiblogcomics · 3 years

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I Can’t Pet Force You To Read This One, But...

Hey there, high school crushes. Well, it's finally here. Can you believe it? Yes, counting from the original Xanga site (which, yes, still counts. It's like our own Golden Age publication or apocryphia), this is our 10th anniversary of reviewing comics. That's fantastic. I'm excited, can't you tell? I can tell, since I'm writing this preamble a good two months before the actual anniverary~

So, last year we reviewed the absolute pile of dreck that is Heroes in Crisis. And while that was worth ripping into, I'd rather not spend the 10th anniversary hating on something. I'd like to do something actually meaningful to me. I've teased about this one for many years, probably for as long as I've been doing this blog, and I think it's time we stopped pussyfooting around and reviewed some Garfield. But not just any Garfield. It's finally time, my friends. This... is Garfield's Pet Force.

I dunno how many people will remember this one. Maybe you recall the direct-to-DVD movie adaptation from 2009, or at least advertising for it. I never saw it, but apparently it differs a bit. They also appeared a few times in those Garfield comics from back in the day. We even reviewed a couple (some were on the Xanga blog). But what we're looking at here are the original novellas published between 1997 and 1999. So yeah, these really are from my childhood. And since I've long espoused that Garfield was always funnier 20 years ago, this must be actual premium Garfield content, yeah? By golly, I hope so, because we got five whole books here today. So we should probably get into them~

Book 1: The Outrageous Origin

This is a classic sort of superhero cover. Standard team shot of poses, and that's fine for a first volume. In fact, that's great. Later editions of this would replace the lightning-filled gradient background with a pure white one, but I have this original version. We'll get to specifics about these characters in the meat of the story, but let's talk about the costumes for a bit. Very classic early-'90s sort of look, before the Dark Age kicked in. Reminds me a lot of Jim Lee's X-Men designs, actually. Making all your characters visually distinct is important in a team book. The heavy lean into secondary colours is unusual for heroic characters, but not unwelcome.

So we actually start with a cold open in the superhero universe. This is pretty much to introduce us to the characters as soon as possible, and thus I'll do the same for you here.

*Garzooka, team leader, super strong, has a razor-sharp claw, and can shoot radioactive hairballs from his mouth. That's... at least a unique power, I don't think anyone on the Justice League can do that~ *Odious, the dumb muscle with the accent on the "dumb". Possibly even stronger than Garzooka, and possessing a "super-stretchy stun tongue", an elastic tongue that can scramble the minds of whoever it adheres to. *Starlena, the team girl. She can fly, and she has a siren song that can put those who hear it into a hypnotic trance. Garzooka is the only one immune to its effects, for reasons that are never explained. *Abnermal, the kid-appeal character. He has ice powers, forcefields, and an ill-defined "pester power" that means he can annoy people on a greater scale than normal folks. It's pretty much only used for comic relief, but that could be a brilliant power in the right hands. *Compooky, the brains of the operation. Other than flight, his powers are limited to super intelligence, which means he's usually the exposition guy. There's probably a reason they left him out of the movie adaptation~

You got all that? Don't worry, we'll introduce you again later in the book. What actually happens in the intro chapter isn't really important, it's just setting up the universe. In fact, it's all taking place within Pet Force #99, a comic just enjoyed by Nermal. Yes, we quickly cut over to the main Garfield universe ("our universe", the narrator calls it), where Pet Force is just a comic book. The Garfield gang is all outside, enjoying a cookout prepared by Jon Arbuckle. Nermal is extremely enthused by his comic book, and brags about how he has all 98 previous issues sealed and polybagged, and this one will soon join them. Sorry, Nermal, this came out in 1997, the speculator boom already went bust~

Garfield dismisses comic books as stupid because you can't eat them or use them as a blanket, and declares that none of the stuff that happens in the comic could possibly happen in real life. Uh oh, irony! Because these things can happen, and do! It's a parallel universe, baby! This might be one of my earliest introductions to a "parallel worlds" concept. Much like Earths 1 and 2 in pre-Crisis DC, the events of the comic are essentially the real life adventures of their super-powered counterparts in another dimension. Most of the action in these stories will take place there~

So here's the setup: Vetvix (the parallel equivalent to Liz the veternarian) is an evil sorceress and scientist, who essentially wants to experiment on animals in peace, and possibly subjugate the universe while she's at it. You could argue that Liz is an odd choice for villain, since our universe's Liz isn't particularly evil. But then, our universe's Garfield isn't particularly heroic either. She operates out of a deadly space station called the Orbiting Clinic of Chaos, and at present she's waiting for the arrival of her henchman, Space Pie-Rat, who is a six-foot-tall anthropomorphic rat dressed in stereotypical pirate getup. Vetvix has just finished inventing a levitation ray, and she'd like Pie-Rat to go out and use it to steal all the food in the universe. Vetvix doesn't think small, is what I'm saying.

The counter to Vetvix is Emperor Jon, ruler of the planet Polyester. He's kind and benevolent, even if he's a little dippy and his fashion sense atrocious. Having gotten wind of Vetvix's latest plan, he contacts Pet Force in their ship, the Lightspeed Lasagna. Upon learning the problem, Pet Force gives chase to Pie-Rat. They eventually corner him on some desolate planet, landing and entering an abandoned factory. Unfortunately, they're not safe amongst the dangerous machinery, because this turns out to be a trap. Vetvix has been busy as hell, because she's also invented a metal that's impervious to their powers. And that's not all, because she's also basically invented the Phantom Zone, where she traps Pet Force forever. It specifically mentions it doesn’t kill them, because it wouldn't be kosher to murder the heroes in a Garfield book~

The Lightspeed Lasagna has both onboard cameras connected to the heroes' belts as well as automatic return protocols, so within two days, Emperor Jon knows exactly what's happened to Pet Force. He needs help, so he calls upon his most trusted and powerful advisor: Binky the Sorceror. Binky's just as loud and obnoxious as in the main universe, but he's also a powerful magician. He conjures up a spell for Emperor Jon that lets him pierce the veil between universes. It's basically Equestria Girls rules: parallel universes have similar characters between them. So to replace Pet Force, they need the nearest genetic equivalents from another universe. And that's the versions of Garfield, Odie, Arlene, Nermal, and Pooky that we know and love~

Back in the main universe, it's another day entirely. Another cookout is taking place, and Nermal has received his special anniversary issue of Pet Force #100. The cover's really special, dripping with '90s cover gimmicks like glow-in-the-dark and embossing. A rarely used one, though, was "portal to another universe". That was pretty expensive to print, so you won't find many comics like Nermal's. Maybe he had something there with the collecting after all. The cover glows, and while Jon is distracted by the grill, Garfield and Friends disappear~

They reappear in Emperor Jon's wood-paneled throne room, now transformed into Pet Force. Emperor Jon and Sorceror Binky try to explain the situation, but Garfield--now Garzooka--is disbelieving of the whole thing. In fact, even the idea that Jon can now hear him talk absolutely floors him. Since he's about to deliver the exposition for everyone, can we talk about Compooky for a minute? This spell has just granted sapience to Garfield's teddy bear. I don't expect deep philosophy from a children's novella, but the ramifications of this are really under-explored. Like, never mind the whole idea of a teddy bear having the same genetic makeup as an alternate universe equivalent. He goes from inanimate object to fully conscious being, and he just rolls with it.

Anyways, once everybody gets caught up on what's going on and accepts the new reality, a training montage ensues so the group can all learn to use their powers without killing each other. Once at least reasonably trained, the reborn Pet Force is sent out to stop Pie-Rat. He's gotten sloppy in the times with Pet Force dead, so they track him down easily. After a brief scuffle where Garzooka takes his eyepatch, Pie-Rat flees in his ship. They follow Pie-Rat back to the Orbital Clinic of Chaos, but they can't go in the front. That led the original Pet Force into a trap. Finding an unguarded maintenance hatch--standard on any big space station--they enter Vetvix's lair for a final confrontation!

After dealing with the Waiting Room of Doom, which slowly fills with outdated magazines, they enter Vetvix's inner sanctum. Frustrated with Pie-Rat's failure, she uses her magic to turn him into an ordinary mouse. Vetvix then attempts to use her same weapon on this new Pet Force, but thanks to story contrivance, it only works on beings born in this universe. As other dimensional visitors already, they can't be banished to another dimension. She then pulls a Dr. Claw and runs off cursing Pet Force's name while her base self-destructs. Vetvix is a very "discard and draw" sort of villain, it seems. Pet Force, of course, makes a harrowing escape just in the nick of time.

Returning to Emperor Jon, they vow to be ready to return whenever they're called on, since evil never stays dormant for long. Odious even gifts Emperor Jon with the mouse-ified Pie-Rat as proof of their victory. Well, I'm glad they remember that, so they didn't accidentally murder a major villain in their first superhero outing. They're returned to their own universe, and the time differential between them places them back with Jon having not had time to even look up from the grill. Garfield begins to doubt the adventure even happened--until that night, when he finds Pie-Rat's eyepatch still on his person. Ah, definitive proof of... eyepatches, I guess~

Book 2: Pie-Rat's Revenge!

You have to wonder where, in a space-faring superhero setting, Pie-Rat got the inspiration for his classic pirate motif. It's a little incongruous is all I'm saying. And hey, remember when I said earlier that Garzooka's purple-and-green colour scheme was odd for a hero? Well, here he is as a villain! That'll catch your eye. This would be a terrific comic cover, which is what you want in a series like this.

The book opens with a brief recap of the previous story's events, then moves into the new plot. See, Emperor Jon has opted to keep the polymorphed Pie-Rat as his pet. How very Ron Weasley of him. That's pretty apt, actually, because similarly Pie-Rat has maintained his intelligence in his new mousey form. Pie-Rat gets sick of being Emperor Jon's pet and plans a daring escape, exploiting the emperor's dimwitted and loving personality against him. Pie-Rat jams the lock with a food pellet and makes his escape that night.

Once free from his cage, he encounters Binky's cauldron, still left in the throne room from when the sorceror summoned Pet Force from Garfield's universe. Figuring he has nothing to lose, Pie-Rat jumps in the leftover brew. Suddenly he finds himself growing. He returns to his original anthropomorphic state--but with a twist. He's now twice his original height, a staggering twelve feet tall. He scoops up the rest of the remaining potion for later, and sneaks out of the palace as best as a 12-foot rat can sneak. Desiring revenge on both his former employer and his longtime foes, he steals Pet Force's ship and makes his escape from the planet, headed for Vetvix's newest base.

After his guards help Emperor Jon put the pieces of the problem together, they decide they must once again call upon the powers of Pet Force to recover their missing vehicle and stop the newly embiggened Pie-Rat. Fortunately, Garfield and friends have been watching movies all weekend, so Jon doesn't notice when his pets disappear from the living room in a bright flash. Of course, once returned to the alternate universe and the situation explained, they still have a problem: how do they give chase to Pie-Rat when he's got their ship?

And speaking of Pie-Rat in their ship, he's followed the trail of a mysterious energy output, and it's led him right to Vetvix's new base, the Menacing Moon of Mayhem. See, this is why you don't blow up your base: the backup base is never as good. if it was, it wouldn't be the backup. Given that it's such a shoddy base, Pie-Rat is easily able to get inside and get close to Vetvix. She's expecting a technological attack, so she's unprepared when he pulls out that vial of magic potion and sprinkles her with it. And naturally, the potion that made him grow 12 feet tall makes Vetvix shrink to 5 inches. It's magic, we don't have to explain it!

Pie-Rat takes the magic crystal that Vetvix uses to fuel her powers, which of course didn't shrink because magic is just bullshit. See previous paragraph's last sentence. And while Pie-Rat takes over the base and begins plotting a further revenge against Pet Force, we cut over to them. They're at Sorceror Binky's own castle, and it's clear he's a bit of a hoarder. This is to their advantage, though, as they eventually piece together a working spaceship out of old car parts and other things, all patched together between Compooky's know-how and Binky's magic. This seems like the sort of book where I could use that "it's magic" quote every other paragraph. But craft a new--if small--ship they do, and speed off in the newly christened Planetary Pizza.

The rickety little ship does eventually find its way to Pie-Rat's base, saving him the trouble of being proactive as a villain. The magic thing keeps happening, and Pie-Rat basically becomes Discord for a bit while he fights them, doing things like turning Starlena's siren song into actual living music notes. One by one, the members of Pet Force are taken out, with only Garzooka is left. He and Pie-Rat struggle, while Pie-Rat tries to aim the magic crystal at Garzooka. Garzooka uses his claw to rip the crystal from Pie-Rat and defeat him.

Unfortunately, here's where the cover comes in. It seems the moments Pie-Rat was focusing the crystal during the struggle affected Garzooka's mind. He puts the crystal around his own neck. which turns him evil. He helps Pie-Rat to his feet, and the pair escape in the Lightspeed Lasagna. While Pet Force pursues them in their ramshackle ship, the new criminal duo strikes the storage planet of Deli to steal their food. Pet Force manages to catch up as the villains celebrate their spoils, and use a magic blast from the systems Binky installed to short out the Lightspeed Lasagna. This enables them to dock with the ship and climb aboard for a contfrontation.

The group fights, and once again the bearer of a bullshit magic crystal subdues the heroes easily. Annoyed now, Garzooka takes hold of Starlena and prepares to kill her or something. She taps into the one thing she has left: she's not fighting just Garzooka, but Garfield in his body. She drops some heavy put-downs, which resonate with Garfield, and he hesitates long enough for her to cut the crystal off him. The crystal hits the floor and shatters, undoing its evil magics on Garzooka's mind as well as on all his teammates. With Pet Force reunited, Pie-Rat is easily subdued and locked up.

The group waits for the ship to power back up, then speed off to apologise to the planet Deli. Following that, they head back towards Vetvix's moonbase. That night, though, the magic that was making Pie-Rat 12 feet tall wears off, and he escapes from his cell. He steals the remaining shards of the crystal, climbs into the Planetary Pizza, and makes a getaway. As a bonus, he also repeats the power-down spell against the bigger ship, giving him ample time to escape. And he's not the only one. Over on the Menacing Moon of Mayhem, Vetvix also returns to her proper size, and abandons this base as well. And when Pet Force fails to find her, they simply return to their own universe, ready to be called on once again in the future~

Book 3: K-Niner: Dog of Doom!

Another very basic comic book-style cover. K-Niner is a much more typical villain in style. This one's actually a wrap-around, and features the rest of Pet Force reacting to K-Niner on the back cover. Which is good because, other than the first cover, the covers all have a heavy Garzooka focus. Which makes sense for a book series, I suppose, you wanna assure the kiddos that Garfield's gonna be in the book. But as a comic book series, this would be a bad look for a team book~

So after our standard introduction and recap, we start off with Vetvix in yet another new base, the Floating Fortress of Fear. I'm sure it's very intimidating, if she can keep hold of it for more than a single book. She's picking up from the epilogue and putting the last touches on K-Niner, mostly enhancing his intelligence. Now, you look at the cover and tell me what kind of voice you'd expect. Some sort of German or Austrian accent, like the doberman on Road Rovers? Does anyone remember Road Rovers~? Anyways, but no: he speaks with a posh British accent. You know, the "I say, good chaps, looks like we're in a bit of a sticky wicket, eh wot?" type. Trust me, you can tell. But just because he sounds refined doesn't mean he's not evil.

I also love that after the initial "trapped them in the Phantom Zone" bit, the villains just go whole ham. K-Niner here demonstrates that he is indeed evil by threatening to rip out Vetvix's throat. Let your villains be villainous is all I'm saying. She's pleased he's so vicious, but feels he needs to learn his place as well. She force-chokes him until he complies. She then gives him his assignment: she thinks dogs should be liberated. The Boy Mayor of Second Life would approve, and so does K-Niner. Turning pets on their masters is just his style.

K-Niner takes a portable evolution gun, and immediately sets off. He begins on the planet Kennel. Isn't it neat how every planet is named after an English word that describes its function? K-Niner quickly takes over the dog population and turns them against their masters, because boosting their intelligence also makes them evil, of course. They use enslavement collars on their former owners, and within a few days, the dogs now run the planet. We cut over to Emperor Jon on Polyester, where a man has crash-landed a ship. He's an escapee from Kennel, and he's here to report the events so we can get the plot moving and once more summon Pet Force!

And summoned once more they are, Garfield and Friends once more conveniently disappearing in a split second while Jon's back is turned (this time they're outside playing volleyball). And once back in the parallel universe, Emperor Jon fills them all in on K-Niner's dastardly doings. Garzooka, naturally, takes great offense to dogs being in charge, and takes his duties as a hero completely seriously for once. Pet Force takes off for a confrontation with K-Niner in the Lightspeed Lasagna. And speaking of Pet Force's ships...

The Planetary Pizza, piloted by Pie-Rat, plants its pads down on polar planet Glacia. Pie-Rat is here seeking a way to restore his magic crystal and regain his mighty magic powers. He's sought out the home of a legendary evil wizard, who's known by the name of... Barfo. I see why Barfo keeps his location a secret. But anyway, Barfo is the one who made the crystal, so naturally Pie-Rat reasons he can restore it as well. Suprisingly once on Glacia, Barfo's evil lair is pretty easy to find. His manservant, Hobart the Gnome, brings Pie-Rat before the wizard, and within moments the crystal is restored! Pie-Rat turns to thank Hobart, but Hobart suddenly turns into Vetvix!

Yes, Vetvix knew all along that Pie-Rat's quest would lead him here. And as she was once Barfo's student in the ways of evil magic, she knew she could get the old coot to go along with her plan. Barfo returns the crystal to Vetvix, restoring her powers. And so Pie-Rat, a recurring villain in three whole books, is unceremoniously done away with, as Vetvix teleports him inside an asteroid, trapping him in solid rock. Even if the asteroid were hollow or he displaced the interior when he teleported in, no doubt he'll suffocate within moments. That's pretty harsh.

With that over, we rejoin Pet Force as they approach Kennel. K-Niner's battle cruiser spots them incoming, and shoots the ship down, even in spite of Abnermal's forcefields. Pet Force bail out of the ship, and Abnermal uses his powers to make snow to cushion their fall. Upon landing, a contingent of mutant animals attack. The mooks aren't much, but K-Niner himself puts up an impressive fight. However, one of the mooks pulls a gun and points it at Compooky. This is why Compooky usually stays aboard the ship, but that wasn't an option. Rather than let their friend get hurt, Pet Force surrenders.

Pet Force is held prisoner separately from Compooky, with both the cell's technology making it freeze-proof and threats of "don't break out, or we'll shoot your compatriot". Their imprisonment is not long, though, as suddenly the power goes out. Pet Force takes advantage of the situation and make their escape, quickly running into Compooky. K-Niner didn't think the hyper-intelligent teddy bear needed a high security cell, and just locked him in the basement. It was easy for him to then break out and shut down the local power grid. This also has the side effect of turning off the control collars the humans were wearing. How convenient!

With control of the planet now tilted in their favour, Pet Force now has time to both fix their ship and reverse the polarity of the brain-boosting weapons, turning the dog population of Kennel back to their normal selves. Though the experience did change the pet owners of Kennel. Having experienced life in their pets' shoes (so to speak) for a bit, they've resolved to treat their canine companions a bit more equally. More being allowed on the furniture, less stupid tricks for treats. Still, Pet Force can't stay long, and they head off in pursuit of K-Niner's battle cruiser. This is why most superheroes don't have spaceships (Jedis don't count): if your enemy also has one, they can flee way more easily than on foot.

Not willing to let another place go to the dogs, as it were, Pet Force catches up with K-Niner. With his previous success, Vetvix has stepped up the timetable and sent him after Polyester right away. Emperor Jon is in danger! They enter the planet's atmosphere, and are attacked by fighter craft. They fend them off, but their weapons system is damaged in the fight, so they can't simply use the reverse brain-rays and solve it quickly. The team splits up instead: Garzooka and Abnermal will go after K-Niner, while the other three will find the planet's power source and knock out the collars, since that worked so well the last time.

The two heroes quickly make short work of K-Niner's guards, and then turn the battle to deal with the Dog of Doom himself. While the struggle goes on, the rest of Pet Force reach the planet's power grid. Using a clever tactic, Compooky overloads the power and causes and electrical storm that simultaneously undoes the brain-boosting effect and shorts out the enslavement collars. There's only a few pages left, after all, and we have to wrap this up. K-Niner is reverted back into an ordinary dog, and the emperor is reverted to an ordinary non-enslaved person. The day is saved!

And now once again, Pet Force prepares to return to their own universe. However... when the spell clears, the five heroes are still standing there. Something is blocking the passage between dimensions, and Pet Force is trapped. And while Pet Force's adventures have taken place between mere moments in their own universe, they have always returned quickly enough that Jon didn't notice a thing. But this time, as Jon retrieves the volleyball and turns around to his pets, he's surprised to find they've all vanished into thin air...

Book 4: Menace of the Mutanator

This one's very striking because of its more painted look compared to the heavy black outlines the rest of the covers have. Does this one count as having the whole team on the cover? Because, spoilers, that's what the Mutanator is: the rest of Pet Force mashed up into a villain. Again, though, that's definitely a striking image that'd draw in readers to a comic cover. In fact, while Garzooka may be over-used as a cover focus, several of these also show him imperiled in some way, and that's nice for character stuff. That helps balace it a bit~

I wanna say, before we start, that I'm impressed by the continuity for the series as a whole. They could've just written each story as a standalone, but for a series of 100-page children's novellas starring Garfield characters as superheroes, things happen in these books. Like, maybe not sweeping status quo changes, but events affect the plot of each next book down the line. And that's where we pick up! Right where the last book left off, with Pet Force now stuck in the alternate universe, unable to return home to Jon. But if they can't go home to Jon, well, maybe then events will conspire to bring Jon to them~

Yep, because Jon happens to wander into the room where they keep the copy of Pet Force #100 that acts as a portal to their universe, he gets transported into the Pet Force universe. And since Emperor Jon is still an extant entity, there's just two Jons now. Jon, of course, is a bit freaked out, and it takes several pages to explain the whole deal to him, and also have a showcase of all their powers to pad out the book some more. Eventually, they decide to call in Sorceror Binky to examine the problem. When he has a go of it, a sudden tornado emerges from the cauldron and whisks away Pet Force--save for Garzooka, whose prodigious strength keeps him anchored.

Garzooka heads out in the Lightspeed Lasagna to track Pet Force's signature, glad to get away from a double trouble Jon. And while he's searching, the scene cuts to Vetvix's Floating Fortress of Fear. Hey, one of her bases actually lasted more than one book! This is where Pet Force has been transported to, once more in a power-proof cell. Vetvix monologues to the heroes, as she is wont to do, explaining that she's the one who cast the spell to keep them from returning home. And further, she's brought them here to mutate them into her servants.

While Emperor Jon exposits about his backstory (turns out he is not of royal blood, and has about as much legitimate claim to the throne as you or I do), the search continues. Sorceror Binky detects Pet Force, giving them all a view of what happens next. The trapped members of Pet Force are literally broken apart and reassembled: Odious' body, Compooky's brain inserted into the chest, Abnermal's hands, and Starlena's head. She christens this beast "Mutanator", and it is soullessly obedient. I also wanna say, Mutanator's kind of a non-binary icon, aren't they? (The comic uses "it", but it was 1998 and alternative pronouns weren't really a thing yet.) Muscular, masculine body, but confident enough to still wear lipstick. It's a look, is all I'm saying~

Mutanator continues to possess the combined powers of Pet Force as well. Vetvix sends them to attack the planet Armory to gear up before attempting to conquer Polyester. And meanwhile, thanks to the convenience of being able to scan all of Compooky's memories now that his brain is part of Mutanator, Vetvix has the perfect trap to spring on Garzooka--or should she say Garfield. Yes, she really knows the whole origin for Pet Force now, and now she knows all Garfield's weaknesses, likes and dislikes, and probably blood type and other dating profile stats~

Thus, when Garzooka receives the coordinates from Emperor Jon and arrives at the Floating Fortress, he finds himself menaced by giant spiders. Vetvix couldn't think of a way to get Mondays to attack him, so the Giant Spider Invasion will do. Spiders are apparently very formiddable foes, Garzooka's personal fears aside. They can swat gamma hairballs out of the air, they can construct webs as quickly as certain Marvel heroes, and their hairy exoskeletons are resistant to both claw and strength. But despite his fear and Abnermal's running commentary, Garzooka manages to trounce the spiders with a carefully applied flame--taking Vetvix's blueprints with them.

Garzooka heads out once again to track down the Mutanator, leaving his less-than-all-together friends in the safety of their forcefield prison. While he's off, we return to the perspective of his target. Using their combined powers, the Mutanator swiftly conquers the planet Armory and sets their sights on Polyester next. It's not a bad plan, honestly. With the stockpile from Armory, not only will the Mutanator be more powerful, Polyester won't be able to use the planet for backup. Fortunately for the two Jons, though, Garzooka intercepts the Mutanator before they can leave Armory.

The fight's actually pretty good. Very back and forth. But even despite Garzooka's great strength, the Mutanator wins in the end. Thankfully, Vetvix puts her conquest of Polyester on hold to take the time to retrieve Garzooka and add his power to the Mutanator. This, of course will be her undoing--in a completely ridiculous way, of course. For back in the palace, our universe's Jon is watching Pet Force's struggles with the scrying cauldron. And he leans in a bit too close. Sowhile Vetvix is prepping the machine to divide Garzooka's body like she did the rest of Pet Force, Jon suddenly tumbles through the dimensional warp caused by the cauldron and lands on Vetvix, which causes her to put the machine in reverse. A real Jonnus ex cauldrona there, eh?

The Mutanator disappears, their existance as a unique being wiped out as their pieces return to their proper Pet Force owners. With Pet Force reassembled, Garzooka takes out Vetvix with one of his gamma-radiated hairballs while she's distracted by Jon. Pet Force decides that the vile veternarian should have a taste of her own medicine, and stick her in the body-splicing machine with some of her guards. This divides them all up and mixes them into bizarre combinations. It also has the side effect of disabling Vetvix's magic, so they can return to their own universe now.

The book wraps up here. Pet Force first returns to Armory to both return the stolen weapons and also make repairs on the buildings that were damaged in Garzooka's fight with the Mutanator. That's the sort of thing I'd like to see in more superhero stories in general. The two Jons part ways, with the Emperor believing the other Jon's heroism to have been deliberate. And thus are Garfield and friends returned home. And just like the end of their first adventure, where Garfield couldn't be sure if it really happened, so too is Jon's memory fading. Had he really witnessed all that? Only his pets know for sure--and in this universe, they can't talk~

Book 5: Attack of the Lethal Lizards

This one's another wrap-around, showing the rest of Pet Force engaging the remaining Lethal Lizards on the back cover. This is one advantage books have over comics: a front and back cover you can use for your story-telling. The Lizard designs are pretty good for a villain group too. Like Pet Force, they don't adhere to a particular theme, but they do look good individually. Garzooka roasting a hot dog on a stick might be a bit too comedic for a superhero story, though. It sets the tone wrong. How "lethal" can they possibly be if Garzooka is out here roasting hot dogs in the middle of battle?

So here we go, last book. After the usual recap, we open with Jon explaining to Garfield and friends his latest plans: they're going to WackyWorld, a theme park dedicated to Jon's favourite cartoon, The Wackies. Both Garfield and Nermal think the show is lame, and if those two agree on something, you know it must be so. In less lame universes, however, trouble is once more a-brewing. So it turns out Vetvix's Floating Fortress of Fear has been orbiting the swamp planet Reptilius this whole time. And her various experiments in the last two books have been radiating the planet in magical energy...

From that magical power, three reptiles find themselves uplifted in intelligence and granted fantastic powers. Please say hello to our three main villains for this book: Snake, an enormous snake (the only one without an anthro design) with stretching powers; Chameleon, who can shapeshift; and Dragon, a komodo dragon with fire breath and the bad attitude to match. While Snake and Chameleon figure out their powers, Dragon declares himself the leader as he's clearly the smartest, strongest, and most powerful. They name themselves the Lethal Lizards and start plotting how to rule the planet.

After that exciting intro, though, the book kind of slows down. First we get a whole chapter of Emperor Jon also deciding to go on vacation, to planet Funlandia. With Vetvix out of commission for a while, there's no better time. In short, he's out of the castle and Sorceror Binky is in charge. This is followed by a chapter of Jon and his pets at WackyWorld. It's certainly an accommodating amusement park to allow pets on its grounds. Garfield at least gets along with the food, but if you know anything about amusement park food prices, the amount Garfield eats will make your wallet weep. Jon takes his mind off it by dragging the pets along to a ride. Surely they have to be under the height restriction~

Fortunately, we get back to the actual stars of this book, and we see a bit more of their dynamic. Snake is the sort who sucks up to whoever's calling themselves "Boss" at the moment. Dragon is power-hungry, and it's clear he'll sell out his allies at the drop of a hat. Chameleon is Starscream. Anyway, they trek through the jungles of Reptilius until they find a downed spaceship. Reviewing the logs reveals it was a scout ship from Vetvix, and they also learn of Vetvix and her mission. However, they don't know where Emperor Jon lives, so they crowd into the the newly christened Rapacious Reptile and set course for the stars.

The first planet they come across is a world called Klod. Quickly the Lethal Lizards beat up the populace and find the local government. Chameleon shapeshifts into a dignitary, pretending to be an advance entourage for Emperor Jon, schmoozing with the governor until he learns both what Jon looks like and the name of his planet. With this information secure, Chameleon nips out suddenly, and the trio sets forth towards Polyester. Governer Klutz calls up the palace as soon as the reptiles depart, and reports the incident to Sorceror Binky.

Binky wastes no time, and he dials up Pet Force. Since all five are in one place, he's able to pull them through even without them being near the gateway through issue #100's cover. Convenient! Pet Force, however, does waste time, as a lengthy comedy scene eats up several pages before we just get on with it. Eventually, the situation is conveyed, and they figure it's safer to keep Emperor Jon on Funlandia for the time being. Compooky stays behind to help plan some strategies, while the rest of Pet Force boards the Lightspeed Lasagna to intercept the Lethal Lizards before they even arrive.

Pet Force spends the next few minutes both scanning for incoming ships and bickering with each other, so I'm very glad when the Rapacious Reptile appears on their detectors before too long. Dragon threatens the ship, telling them to move or he'll knock them aside. It's a spaceship, dude, you can move in three dimensions. The ships trade shots, and while Chameleon's piloting is actually pretty good due to his independently-rotating eyeballs, eventually both ships crash land on whatever planet is nearby.

Both ships crash right next to each other, which is improbable but less ridiculous than some of the contrivances in these books, so I'm okay with it. Now you'd think what with the enemies being reptiles and Abnermal having freezing powers that this battle would be over really easily, but no. In fact, Garzooka and Dragon are pretty evenly matched. Snake turns out to be immune to Starlena's siren song because snakes don't have external ears. See, now there's a contrivance I find a bit weird. Snake swallows Abnermal whole, and Chameleon and Odious get literally tongue-tied. The Lethal Lizards actually live up to their name pretty well.

As the fight continues, half of both sides are laid out when Compooky comes rushing up, saying he has an urgent message from the emperor. And that's when he sucker-punches the team. It was actually Chameleon in disguise, having gotten knocked away when he and Odious separated. So yeah, round one goes to the Lizards, and they make their escape first. Pet Force regroups, and they give chase. The Lizards have enough head start to really lay siege to Polyester before Pet Force arrives, though. They even get access to the palace using Chameleon's shapeshifting, leading to Sorceror Binky letting slip the real location of the emperor just as Pet Force arrives.

Another fight ensues--see, now it's really a superhero story--and the Lizards leave again 2 and 0. This time Snake uses his venomous fangs to attack Starlena. This leads to the weirdest contrivance yet. Maybe not the worst, but definitely the weirdest. They have only minutes to save Starlena. So how do they do it? Well, they notice that Odious drools quite a lot. It's very "fluid output". So they have Binky magically reverse Odious' drooling, so that he has "fluid input" on his tongue instead. It becomes a big suction sponge and sucks the poison out of Starlena. They then restore the drooling, and he just harmlessly drools out the poison. What.

With their teammate saved, Pet Force pursues the Lethal Lizards to Funlandia. They get there just in time to rescue Emperor Jon from their clutches, with Garzooka and Odious combining their strength to literally rip a kiddie ride out of the ground. Starlena corners Chameleon in a hall of mirrors, turning his own trick against him. Snake is undone by Odious' strength. And Garzooka fights Dragon to a standstill, finally trapping all three on a roller coaster still operating. When the ride comes to an end, Abnermal freezes them all until the authorities can retrieve them.

Naturally, Emperor Jon thinks it's all part of the show (because Jon is dimwitted in any universe). The Lizards are sent to a lizard-proof prison (seriously, it specifies this), and Pet Force returns to their own universe. As usual, Jon didn't notice his pets go missing during the dark amusement park ride. The book concludes on an ominous note, however, as the ship carrying the Lethal Lizards makes its jump to lightspeed just as it passes the Floating Fortress of Fear. The shockwave knocks over some debris that reactivates the combining machine, restoring Vetvix to her full evil might once more!

The end!

No, really. Those five books are all there was. I hear it may have continued into the comics, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I didn’t really look into it.

But boy, what a ride, huh? Let’s dissect the books one at a time, since it only seems fair to take them as individual stories.

The Outrageous Origin: It’s a fairly basic origin story, I’d say. It kind of has to be. I guess my main gripe is that, like Rita Repulsa’s entire run on Power Rangers, the heroes never fight the main villain directly. In fact, there’s barely even an evil plot in this one. You have henchmen and some traps, and that’s about it for the menace.

Pie-Rat’s Revenge: A cautionary tale about why you treat your minions with respect. This one’s pretty good, but the events depicted on the cover make up such a small part of the book. Wouldn’t it have been more fun if Garzooka was turned at the beginning of the story? Book 4 would at least do the reverse of that, so it’s not a major complaint~

K-Niner, Dog of Doom: I think this one’s about as middle of the road as you can get. What a coincidence that it’s also the middle of the series! Like I said in the recap portion, it’s a shame that Pie-Rat’s story ended here. This one definitely feels more “villain of the week” than most.

Menace of the Mutanator: This one might be the best book in the series. Garzooka, alone, battling against the best parts of his team? That’s gripping stuff. I guess the main problem is that the Mutanator isn’t really a character in and of themselves. Like, K-Niner, he may have been a generic rent-a-villain type, but he had a personality. Mutanator is little more than an extention of Vetvix’s will.

Attack of the Lethal Lizards: I’m a bit split on this one. The bits with the titular Lizards are great. They steal the show! But the parts where it focuses on either Jon kind of drag, and Pet Force is a bit too jokey here. Like, I get the point is that they’ve relaxed into their roles now, and there’s not much point of doing it as a Garfield story if they don’t actually use the character personalities, but... I dunno. It’s good, but it could have been better~

And that’s it! Like, I dunno how to wrap this up. Pet Force was neither my first exposure to superheroes nor my first introduction to the Garfield brand (you can thank Saturday morning cartoons for both of those). But for some reason, maybe just the absurdly goofy premise, it always kinda stuck with me. And I think that’s a good enough reason to make it my 10th anniversary review, don’t you~?

#books #reviews #Garfield #Pet Force #Garfield's Pet Force #Taiblog

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doomedandstoned · 3 years

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Scarecrow Ups the Wow Factor with Frenetic, Bluesy ‘II’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

Album art by Igor Odincov

The last time we encountered Russian doom-rockers extraordinaire SCARECROW, they'd just wowed us all by appearing from out of nowhere with a self-titled full-length year before last, which grabbed a foothold on the Doom Charts, premiering at no. 9 and held on tight. Subsequently, they contributed "Madman" to the breakthrough overview of the contemporary Russian heavy music scene, Doomed & Stoned in Russia (Volume 1), which came out earlier in 2021 and is slated for a sequel next month.

In October, the mighty Scarecrow once again spreads its wings over the planet, as the soulful three-piece -- raised in the region of snow leopards and Amur tigers -- takes flight with eight new songs nestled in the inauspiciously titled LP, 'II' (2021). Fans will be elated when they hear just how contagious the vibe of the new record is. If you're a newcomer to their sound, don't worry! You could start here and work your way back to Scarecrow's eponymous debut and lose none of the impact. The first two singles alone are a marvelous introduction to the band's groovy balance of powerful Ozzyesque vocals with proto-metal blues, all situated in a monster retrofitted sound machine of doom. Their bio says it best:

Instead of forming in post-war England like the first wave of British heavy rock, Scarecrow’s members grew up in the hopeless chaos of 1990s Russia. Their new album II uses those experiences to transport listeners to wastelands of earth and mind. Like their contemporaries in Graveyard, Uncle Acid, and Witchcraft, Scarecrow imbues proto-metal and classic rock with dusky occult doom and heavy electric blues.

It is said that Scarecrow could pass as one of the heaviest bands of 1969. Nay, I say heavier still. Think Sir Lord Baltimore or better still, the big dogs themselves, Led Zeppelin. What if Sabbath came first, then Zep hatched from that egg? Now you're coming closer to conceptualizing the stylistic proclivities of Scarecrow. But you shouldn't stop by drawing vintage parallels, for the music on II continues to surprise us as the record spins along. Dig the epic wall of sound that opens "The Moors," shifting us back to the realm of Candlemass following several up-tempo hard rock footstompers. We find ourselves falling into a psychedelic timewarp between past, present, and the uncertain future.

There's a whole lot of "wow" on II, for sure. Throughout the record, frontman Artyom "Artimus" Nikitins expresses a vocal range that is nothing shy of impressive, reaching high notes effortlessly and with power to boot (see: "Blizzard"). You get the sense that he might even be holding back on some more "umph," but he's doubtless holding that back for just the right occasion. Artimus gives us some background on how Scarecrow's disparate influences fuse with the band's own songwriting proclivities and creative hunches.

"I would refer to predominantly English classical rock bands - Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Budgie, Leaf Hound, Steel Mill, Black Widow etc. I can go on forever. They are very close to us in spirit, because they were all ordinary guys from the provincial cities of England destroyed by the bombing. When they started their journey, they did not believe that they would become great, and did not hope for it. They just did the best they could, despite the circumstances and the hostile environment surrounding them. And this is what makes us related to them."

"Frenzied stubbornness against the background of a complete lack of hope for the best is the same fuel on which we grew up. And this is what is very well heard in our music. You know, I'm sure - the audience will not be fooled. It's one thing when you compose your music in the sampler on a brand new MacBook, between eating a muffin and drinking a smoothie in a trendy corner restaurant, and quite another thing when you are on sleepless dank nights, when 30 outside the window, sitting in your tiny room and torment your a cheap instrument, grinding riffs and passages hunched over the notes, trying to create something really worthwhile, turning your soul inside out, pouring out all your pain, fear, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, anger and hatred through your music. Only then do you get the right to sing about love, faith and hope. Only then does the music become "honest." And this essence is always heard.

Look for the new album 'II' (2021) to drop October 22nd on Wise Blood Records (pre-order here), which will also be reissuing 'Scarecrow' (2019). A must-spin for fans of Black Sabbath, Early Man, Purple Hill Witch, Goatsnake, and Electric Citizen (to name a just a few bands top-of mind) and a welcome companion to such genre-defying bands as Mr. Bungle and Boss Keloid. II will knock a lot of folks right off their high horses. Must-listen fare to break through the haze and apathy of pandemic delirium. And because we love you so much, Doomers & Stoners, we're giving you a first listen to the new single, "Magic Flower," which Doomed & Stoned is premiering today!

Give ear...

Scarecrow II by Scarecrow

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The Russian city of Perm is surrounded by impenetrable forests, cold swamps, and the ruins of prison labor camps. The region has a bloody history of close supervision and surveillance that started during the second World War. While the members of doom rockers Scarecrow grew up in the ‘90s, they acknowledge a “haunted prison mentality” endures in Perm to this day.

“[The ‘90s are] associated with widespread lawlessness, the dominance of crime, widespread poverty and lack of confidence in the future,” shares Scarecrow vocalist Artemis. “The country was simply divided among themselves by numerous criminal groups. The corruption in the government was monstrous, people were literally robbed and killed right on the streets, and wars were constantly going on in the periphery. The ‘90s ended long ago, but their traces do not disappear anywhere to this day. Of course, the generation that grew up in such conditions was doomed.”

While Scarecrow are part of that doomed generation, their music feels like it was pulled from the age of unrest in the late 1960s and early ‘70s. Picture Led Zeppelin if they had a doom phase, or if Leaf Hound got into occult rock and Black Sabbath instead of shrooms. Contemporary bands like Graveyard, Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats, and Witchcraft have explored their own versions of heavy and haunted electric blues. Scarecrow embodies the first wave of English heavy rock, and their new record sounds like one of the heaviest albums of 1969.

“[English proto-metal] is very close to us in spirit, because they were all ordinary guys from the provincial cities of England destroyed by the bombing,” Artemis explains. “When they started their journey, they did not believe that they would become great, and did not hope for it. They just did the best they could, despite the circumstances and the hostile environment surrounding them.”

Scarecrow II by Scarecrow

Scarecrow’s second full length—simply titled II—elevates the band’s skill and songwriting even beyond their impressive 2019 debut. The songs are familiar but fresh. Artemis wails with power and purpose. The riffs conjure treacherous weather but can radiate warmth at will. Scarecrow’s rock ‘n’ roll majesty indulges excess without losing compositional strength. The epic scale of II begins with the rumble of waves and leads the listener on a journey to wastelands of earth and mind while ruminating on the motif of time.

“[Time] does not just flow away from us like water,” Artemis writes, “it crushes us like ocean waves crash ships.”

Scarecrow’s doom rock will lure you to the ocean when Wise Blood Records releases II digitally and on Digipak CD within the United States on October 22nd. Scarecrow’s debut will also finally be available in the states. Make time and listen to Scarecrow summon the sunset.

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#D&S Debuts #Scarcrow #Perm #Russia #doom metal #Wise Blood Records #D&S Reviews #HeavyBest2021 #Doomed and Stoned

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gofancyninjaworld · 3 years

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2020 in One-Punch Man. Part 1: Manga

How shall I describe this succinctly?

It's like ONE and Murata looked around them, saw a raging pandemic, massive disruption to all walks of life, uncertainty of when, if, or how it might affect them, took a massive drag of their cigarettes and said: “Fuck being conservative. Let's go wild. Fuck making our current arc a webcomic retread with fancier fights. Let's introduce more lore, let's have more characters interact in ways one would never have imagined, let's have characters do things that hadn't previously been thought of and make this really exciting.“

If you were holding onto the webcomic as your guide to what next, 2020 was not a good year for you.

723 pages in 24 updates (including revisions) changed the status quo ante in deliciously unanticipated ways!

Where we left off in 2019, we were following the webcomic pretty faithfully, with most manga-original elements being removed at a fast clip. Phoenixman was dead, the mercenaries had died a brutal death, the ninjas had been resurrected but had run off buck naked, Orochi was dead, G5 was very much destroyed, Drive Knight had appeared but had obligingly limped off, taking Nyan with him. The S-Class heroes were in trouble with the cadre exactly as expected and Saitama had met up with Flashy Flash. Tatsumaki had finally found Psykos. Yup, no real changes here.

2020, HAHA!

Awaken!

Throwing manga-specific elements away? As if! They took the great opportunity that preparing chapters for publication to critically review and revise the story so as to first, make it move at a faster pace and second, to be enriched. It’s meant that chapters for volume 22, 23, and 24 (to come) have been redrawn to accommodate the changes and we got the benefit of many of them between April and August of this year.

We started with Phoenixman’s fight with Child Emperor. It started innocuously enough with Phoenixman resurrecting, but then we got a much more interesting chunk of knowledge -- the existence of a metaphysical world modelled on one’s on psyche where the assault on Child Emperor’s sense of self took a much more existential nature.

From a purely physical battle (and some nifty cool info about the Subterraneans) to an otherworldy battle happening in parallel with the physical battle:

It ended up a very interesting examination of Child Emperor’s character and his relationships with other heroes, as well as telling us something else freaky about Saitama’s ability to be anywhere he damn well wants to be.

Ah, and Phoenixman lives. Albeit as a little chick (for now). He’ll probably be back, but not just yet.

The mercenaries were next. They didn’t die. Not because Amai Mask had a change of heart, but because Iaian listened to the niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach and turned his team mates around to intervene just in time.

As you’d expect, trying to guide the mercenaries back to the safety of the surface has been an incredibly challenging ordeal for the disciples. It’s revealed much more about the way the disciples trust each other and lean on one another, and yet, when there was no option to do so, Iaian stepped up wonderfully to fight to save the mercenaries.

We’ve also learned something interesting about why mercenaries exist at all in a world supposedly at peace. I look forward to seeing where this plot might go next.

Elsewhere, we got to learn a little less about Puri Puri’s dancing and swimming lessons, but we got some really awesome nods to the mythical in Bakuma (the baku is a long-nosed creature formed out of all the bits left over after creation that eats dreams) and Electric Catfish Man’s sudden sense of doom is both reference to the way catfish are supposed to detect earthquakes and just damn cool.

A monsterised exploitative business man taking the form of a demonic dream-eating monster that consumes weaker monsters so as to exploit their abilities is so appropriate on many levels (and unreasonably hot!).

Yes, Waganma does make it to the surface, along with Saitama and Child Emperor. Saitama gets chased away by a Sekingar outraged that there’s a clueless hero just wandering aimlessly around. Child Emperor goes back underground and I loved to death Waganma being pierced with remorse as he realises that the hero is going to go risk his life anyway. He’s spoiled, but his keeping quiet came from a place of being a scared human being desperate to be saved (a surprising number of fans did not like that -- they preferred to think of him as a psychopathic monster incapable of remorse).

Orochi still has a date with a gloved fist, but he’s getting to live a little longer than he did before.

Overall the story is tighter and there’s a lot more interest as well as future plot hooks than there were. I’m interested in seeing how it gets tied up in the next volume sometime in 2021.

Reddit did not take it well. Summary of discourse:

sorry not sorry, I lost patience around the 500th whiny post

Advance!

What about the new chapters we got? Also here, ho ho ho, that status quo has gotten a good kicking!

Orochi came back. Not the most surprising surprise in the world, given how carelessly Saitama punched him. Also not surprising that he came back stronger; Phoenixman had wonderfully demonstrated that monsters can bounce back from near-death situations much stronger. But his form... such a disgusting, slimy, ever-shifting mass of tentacles and dragons, consuming all in its way led to the third craziest development: his fusion with Psykos to launch a new monster.

I’ll spare you the disgusting intermediate stages but the end result has been the birth of Psykos-Orochi and with that, what had been a total sweep for Tatsumaki turned into a much more dangerous enterprise where every mistake of hers got punished brutally.

Why is that only number three? Because Tatsumaki raised up the entire base to try to encompass the whole monster (and it turns out that she was thinking far too small -- the monster had actually eaten large sections of City Z) and Psykos-Orochi uses the space to launch a beam so powerful that it literally cuts off part of the Earth itself. It was a real I see it, but I don’t believe it moment.

if you didn’t spend a few seconds just staring in disbelief, you’re not paying attention. OMG. Boy is the Earth in trouble.

Why is that only the second craziest thing? Because of why this fusion monster was able to do as it did. ‘God’ doesn’t just go round looking like a semi-tangible being giving random homeless men magic powers. Yup, the Earth really in in trouble if some supernatural being is smushing monsters together to make a stronger one and then granting it extra powers. Just like that, the struggle has turned cosmic.

Tatsumaki trying to figure out how to fight back and save City Z from being swept away by a tsunami, save the heroes, and save the planet from further damage by the beams all at the same time was one of the most spectacular fights to date.

As I said earlier, this monster has presented Tatsumaki with a real fight where the slightest mistake on her part leads to severe punishment. She wound up in trouble when she underestimated how extensive the monster actually was and let up on twisting it too early, only to have it come right back and skewer her hands.

Thankfully, Genos came in and saved her from that pinch, then held the monster at bay long enough for Tatsumaki to finish saving the strike team so she could give the monster her undivided attention.

Which is a very tame way of saying that that was an incredible development in capability. That some of the fandom had trouble accepting (they suck). Watching their protests has been an exercise in special pleading. They have no trouble understanding how Murata uses scale...until it came to accepting the size of the explosion resulting from Genos smacking away Psyko-Orochi’s execution beam then it had to be a fisheye lens (visibly incorrect, but who’s talking facts here?). Have had no trouble understanding how Murata portrays escalation... until it came to accepting that Genos is strong then no, somehow the monster had to be weaker. Have had no trouble with the freeze frame language that Murata uses to portray things happening at great speed... until it came to accepting that Genos could move really, really fast. For some people, the new is only welcome when it confirms and validates preconceptions. Anyway, that’s my rant done!

the most unlikely of partnerships and they’re still going despite having taken a hell of a battering since this scene

Guess who’s back?

We’ve also been seeing more heroes come back to the fray. The emergence of the Tower of Doom acted as a clarion call to every hero around and able to move. Metal Bat sneaked out of hospital to come running back. Tank Top Master hitched a ride with Mumen Rider to go to City Z. He intended to stick around and save people, but seeing how much wider scale the fight was, he literally threw himself into battle.

Drive Knight decided he literally had to have a piece of the action, took up a ton of power from the nearest substation and came flying in to intercept a desperately escaping Psyko-Jet... ah, I didn’t say? Yes, the monster turned into a machine to run away once hard-pressed.

And we finally got to see what Blast actually looks like, courtesy of a flashback of Amai Mask’s. He definitely looks the part of a caped superhero and it’s little wonder he’s stuck in the imaginations of so many. But now I’m even more interested in seeing what his deal is and what is he’s like now

The one thing we know for sure will be happening is that Garou will not be denied his destiny. He’s coming. But what else is happening? Ah, that’s all in the air.

Bring on 2021!

#OPM #review #long #2020 #so much has happened #so much still to come #manga #Garou is coming BACK #13th #December #December 13th 2020 #so many incredible developments #Genos coming back far stronger than he's ever been and then hanging tough despite overdoing it #the unquestionable appearance of a meddling godlike entity #the Psykos-Orochi fusion and all its crazy permutations #the massive loss of life in Z-City: such an irony between heroes killing themselves to save a few individuals when mass death is all around #Not mentioned; Saitama Flash and their misadventures with Manako

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randomvarious · 3 years

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Today’s mix:

Breakdown: The Very Best of Euphoric Dance by Dave Turner 2001 Trance / Progressive Trance / Euphoric Trance / Progressive House

You know what was super weird about this whole UK series that was originally started by Telstar TV in '99? Almost every installment had the same exact name. There was no volume number or year appended at the end to help differentiate between each release; up until the summer of 2008, every album was just called The Very Best of Euphoric Dance Breakdown. Why??? Eight albums in the series had the same title! So unnecessary!

Whatever. This edition from 2001 is pretty good. The mixing's not great, but this wasn't really supposed to showcase the mixing skills of Dave Turner anyway, who is more known for being an engineer in the first place. This double-disc just cuts to the chase to give you the goods and it does a pretty nice job of supplying a steady stream of euphoric dance music that came out between the mid-90s and early aughts, although I would argue that not all of it sounds that euphoric.

The two sets are mostly trance, but the first third or so of disc 2 wavers from that entirely and goes in more of a progressive house direction with songs that have acidically fuzzy and annoyingly simple big room melodies, like "Kernkraft 400," and because of that detour from the rest of the program, disc 1 is far superior. And guess what? I only have a link for the first disc anyway! Enjoy!

Listen to CD1 here.

Highlights:

CD1:

Faithless - "Drifting Away (Paradiso mix)" Lustral - "Everytime (Mike Koglin remix)" Rui da Silva - "Touch Me (original 12" mix)" Aurora feat. Naimee Coleman -" Ordinary World" Chicane - "Saltwater (The Thrillseekers remix)" Moby - "Natural Blues (Katcha remix)" Marc et Claude - "I Need Your Lovin' (Like the Sunshine) (Dark Moon vocal remix)" Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan - "Silence (Airscape remix)" Joshua Ryan - "Pistolwhip (original mix)" Element Four - "Big Brother Theme" Afterburn - "Northpole" Liquid - "Orlando Dawn (Space Brothers mix)" Sash! - "Stay (original 12" mix)" Hurley & Todd - "Flyaway (extended mix)" Planet Perfecto - "Bullet in the Gun 2000 (Rob Searle remix)" Sasha & Emerson - "Scorchio (full length version)" Azzido da Bass - "Dooms Night Remix (Timo Maas remix)" Fatboy Slim - "Sunset (Bird of Prey)"

CD2:

Modjo - "Lady (Hear Me Tonight) (original mix)" Santos - "Camels (original mix)" Darude - "Feel the Beat (original mix)" Alice DeeJay - "The Lonely One (XXL)" Ascension - "For a Life Time" Emmie - "I Thought It Was You (Lucid club mix)" Xstasia - "Sweetness (Michael Woods remix)" Lost Tribe - "Gamemaster (Signum remix)" Plasma feat. Berri - "Do U Believe (Angelic remix)" Faithless - "God Is a DJ" Universal State of Mind - "All Because of You (original mix)"

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mysticdoodles · 5 years

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Powerful lines from Spinel that hit harder the more you watch

So I’m sure this has probably been done already BUT I’ve been having too many feelings about this movie and especially about this precious new gem so I absolutely have to gush. After watching the movie the first time through, there’s a lot of double meanings to Spinel’s lines that really make her come to life. Obviously this won’t include everything because then I might as well just link the entire dang movie. These lines are the ones that I’ve just found myself thinking about more and more as the days go by since my first watching of the film.

Spoiler alert, most of these are going to be coming from Other Friends (but that’s no big surprise).

!!-SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE YET-!!

1. “I’ve got a new style, and a few new TOYS.”

Spinel’s introduction is very well framed in a lot of ways, with her slamming down on the injector and backlit by the pink poison glow, but the dialogue is what really hit me. With the context that Pink Diamond abandoned her because Pink eventually grew bored and tired of Spinel, this line in particular struck me as very pointed. Coupled with the slam of her palm against the giant instrument of death, it speaks volumes about how Pink Diamond saw the things that she valued as hers, as well as how Spinel sees herself. Pink had tossed her aside like an unwanted doll - now SHE gets to be the one with fancy new toys, tossing aside her old self just like Pink did.

2. “Yeah yeah, I’ve heard. I’ve had your little message to the universe ON LOOP!”

Pretty blatant in context, but the more you think about it, the sadder it gets. Spinel stood in the garden for six millennia, loyal and faithful to Pink all along, praying she’d return. Instead, all Spinel gets in response is some happy message to the universe from a galaxy-wide intercom that tells her Pink Diamond lived a happy life without her. That everything else was so much better for Pink with her forgotten. That Pink made new friends. Hearing this broke her heart, and traumatized her. Yet she listened over and over to the same message - hoping it would change? Trying to deny it, and see if it wasn’t true? She had the fulfilling relationship she was denied shoved in her face over and over, until she finally gets angry enough to go vent her fury.

3. “[...] where Pink Diamond spends the rest of her days on this NOWHERE PLANET, with a bunch- of- NOBODIES!”

Pink had her own private garden; built just for her, as we know the other diamonds have no taste at all in preserving or keeping organic life. And in the efforts of the Diamond Authority to keep Pink happy, they also gave her Spinel, a gem specifically designed to be a top-of-the-line Best Friend.

And yet despite all of Spinel’s quirky and goofy nature, she was never enough for Pink. The garden, for all its beauty and catering to Pink’s desires, was never enough either. Pink traded her personal playground and ultimate playmate for a planet that was doomed to be colonized and destroyed, and for a- as she puts it- “menagerie” of gems that aren’t particularly special at all. An ‘overcooked’ Amethyst soldier, a Pearl created to be a servant rather than a friend, and a fusion that by Diamond law had been outlawed in Spinel’s time. Spinel was left in her special garden to rot, in exchange for what she views as nothing but a downgrade.

4. “What did she say about me, what did she say? What did you do without me, what did you do? Did you play games without me, what did you play? Did you think all this time that I wouldn’t find out about you?”

These are all the things that ran through Spinel’s head after finding out she’d been left behind for good. That surely Pink Diamond gossiped to her brand new friends about the one she left behind. That surely Pink included her brand new friends in every game she wanted to play that Spinel couldn’t be a part of. That surely everyone involved with Pink Diamond MUST have known about her, and chose to leave her behind. It’s her rationalization for her actions - her excuse to beat on complete strangers for the actions of one person that ruined her life.

5. “Who am I? Who am I?? What are you even saying?”

This is the moment where it hits home for Spinel - that Pink didn’t even talk to other gems about her. Spinel was so unimportant to Pink that she never even crossed her mind or came up in conversation. You can see the moment where shock takes over, and is bulldozed by even greater rage.

All those years, all that waiting, and Pink never once intended on returning, or even so much as acknowledge the existence of her previous ““best friend.””

6. “I’m the loser of the game you didn’t know you were playing!”

Aside from being probably my favorite line in the whole song, this one stuck with me for a good while. It took me until approx. the 54th loop of Other Friends to realize Spinel is being completely literal as well as metaphorical. The reason she stayed in the garden was because- to her- she WAS playing a game with Pink! A game that, by the shallow rules Pink herself set, Spinel has lost. Spinel broke the rules and moved from where Pink told her to stay, and Steven is, for all intents and purposes, what remains of Pink Diamond. He really didn’t know of this false game, none of the Crystal Gems did.

But this hit even harder in the emotional sense - Spinel lost the game long before she moved from her spot in the garden. She lost the minute Pink decided Spinel was better off forgotten on a rock in space than by her side, because her loyalty was wasted on Pink. In Spinel’s steadfast adoration of Pink, she never realized the truth until it was far too late, and she feels all the more foolish for it.

7. “Let’s play another game, this time I get to win! Lives on the line- winner takes all- ready or not, let’s BEGIN!”

Not only is this Spinel’s statement that she’s taking control back by FORCE - that SHE is now the one who gets to pick the games, and as a result, affect the lives of those she “plays” with (just like Pink) - but it’s also a very subtle admission of how this feels. Deep down in the depths of her mind, this isn’t just a mission to cause hurt in turn for the hurt she received, but also a potential suicide mission.

Sure, she might have a good chance of killing ALL of Pink Diamond’s precious new besties; with her fancy new “toys” of a jumbo-sized colony injector full of poison and a factory-reset device for gems, she stands to take out quite a few important Crystal Gems AND the Earth that stole Pink from her, before finishing what she started. But Spinel also acknowledges later in the film that Steven is respected as a legendary savior of the galaxy. She’s playing hardball with powerful figures, and she knows it. That’s WHY she went the extra effort to get such strong equipment before even showing up to the party - Steven and the Crystal Gems were a legitimate threat, who could have easily defeated or even shattered her. And for Spinel, who waited for thousands of years in what I can only describe as emotional torture in solitary confinement, shattering would be preferable to her than one more second of living in that torment.

8. “[We’re going] back, to where I never left.”

Physically leaving the garden never made her problems go away, like how Pink seemed to do with everything she grew bored of. Despite being on Earth, in this ‘new place to play’ and surrounded by gems she’d never met that she could make friends with, even Rejuvenated to be back to how she was supposed to be right out of the kindergarten, she can’t escape the damage done by Pink abandoning her. She’s unable to find happiness yet, haunted by Pink’s actions and decision to discard her. In Spinel’s mind, she’s standing in that garden. Still waiting for Pink. Still waiting for someone, anyone, to come and be her friend.

9. “I don’t want to play anymore.”

This has stopped being a game for Spinel. Attacking and hurting the people she blames for her life being ruined is no longer fun, and doesn’t make her feel better anymore. She’s losing whatever twisted enjoyment she was getting from the one small goal she set for herself to keep moving forward - revenge. So from this point onward, she’s determined to finish things - that maybe actually doing the deed and being done with it would finally make the pain go away.

10. “Why do I want to hurt you so badly? I’m supposed to be your friend... I just want to be your friend...”

Striking out from her anger and pain, Spinel finally recognizes that harming others isn’t going to change how she feels. The pain isn’t disappearing. She’s falling farther and farther from what she truly wants to be. In her heart, she DOESN’T want to harm others, and realizes that she’s lost control of herself and her actions.

And it’s her final plea to Pink Diamond, who she can never get back. That’s all she ever wanted from Pink, and in the end, was it really that much to ask?

#Steven Universe #Steven Universe the Movie #Spinel #spoilers #Steven Universe spoilers #long post

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askmerriauthor · 4 years

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Starbound AU World and Character Lore Notes

Things worth being aware of for characterization and such, either based in canon lore from Starbound itself or extrapolated off reasonable evidence to support the notion. Likely Part 1 of ??? submissions:

Conservation of Matter, Energy, and You The Starbound setting is futuristic to the point of magic, including also featuring actual magic. So that gives us a ton of wiggle room on handwaving away just about any nonsense, but there are some constants that continue on regardless. In this setting matter and energy are flawlessly interchangeable and can be preserved in a permanently stable, non-degrading state with no loss in conversion. The methods and specifications of how this wondrous technological development works are never deeply explored and frankly it’s better we keep it that way. So what applications does this have for people who live in the setting?

- Virtually Endless Storage Through the use of various forms of technological tools, matter is either converted into pure energy/data and stored within the tool, or matter can be spontaneously constructed via “nanites”. That is to say, a legion of microscopic robots with a unified hive mind that can cooperatively build complex structures seemingly out of nothing (in this case, converting some form of stored/ambient energy/mass into the necessary materials desired).

We see this sort of of functionality constantly within the setting, usable both by the player and NPCs alike. Whether it be a capsule pod, or a ray gun, or a Matter Manipulator, or any other bevy of trinkets that may come into play. Need a giant mech suit to explore the void of space, or a hover bike to skim a planet’s terrain in style? Just press a button on a handy little device and poof! Nanites instantly construct the vehicle for you on the spot. Want to carry an entire mountain in your pocket? Transport billions of gallons of molten lava from place to place without it cooling? The Matter Manipulator has you covered as it converts matter into energy and categorizes it in an easy-to-interpret list. Have a farm of cute critters which produce natural animal byproducts for you but need to relocate in a pinch? Just aim a ray gun at each and zap! Your adorable animal friend is converted into pure energy, stored within the gun’s capacitor system, and held there in perfect status for easy transport. You can even capture and tame wild animals and monsters from alien worlds by throwing pokeba-- er, “capture pods” at them to the same function.

Mind you, this manner of matter-to-energy-back-to-matter conversion is 100% efficient and suffers no degradation. Similarly we don’t have any of the Star Trek “teleporting actually kills you and spawns a clone that just thinks it’s the real you” nonsense either. When you pick up a volume of dirt with the Matter Manipulator, the device doesn’t replicate the molecular composition of ‘dirt’. It takes that exact piece of dirt, turns it into energy, and when you want to recall it later it gives you back that exact piece of dirt. This even works on conceptual forms of matter like “storage”. You can use the Matter Manipulator to pick up a storage cabinet and tote it around in an energy/digital form. However, you can also fill that storage cabinet with items and then scan it, at which point you energize/digitize the filled cabinet. When you bring it back out again, it still has all those items stored inside.

Say you have a storage unit that can hold 300 items. Now let’s say you have 300 of such storage units. You fill all 300 with whatever you want and then pick up the many units with the Matter Manipulator, store them into that single original 300-capacity unit, and then pick up that to put it in your pocket. Container-ception! This only works one-tier deep, however. You can put a filled container inside another container and then pick that up, but you can’t put both of those filled containers into a third and then pick that up.

What this means within the context of the setting is that moving vast amounts of materials, goods, even living beings is a completely negligible effort. It would be completely plausible for entire cities to be constructed seemingly out of thin air, or wholly relocated from one planet to another, with no real trouble at all.

-Functional Immortality So remember what I said before about being able to convert animals into energy? Yeah, that’s not just animals - it’s all creatures, including sentient beings like you. Teleportation is the primary method of transport throughout the galaxy (followed shortly by ship-based faster-than-light star cruising) where the target individual is converted into energy and hurled across the galaxy in point-to-point teleportation. This of course can be activated intentionally in order to facilitate mobility (be it long-range teleportation or short-range “blinking” to traverse one’s immediate surroundings) but it also has the potential to activate automatically when one dies.

Being a video game, of course there’s a “respawn” function so you can continue playing after you die. But this isn’t a benefit only the player gets - NPCs get it too. When a Being dies from whatever traumatic event, they burst into energy and vanish. Compare this to when you kill a wild animal on some hostile enemy world - such critters die with a wet squelch sound, a spray of blood, and often leave behind organic matter like raw meat, pelts, chemical compounds, and other facets of their anatomy. If you have a friendly NPC you’re escorting as part of a mission and they suffer an untimely doom? The game prompts you with a message saying that they’ve respawned safely nearby so you can continue on. Whenever you the player die in-game, your character respawns back on their ship’s teleporter platform after a short animation sequence unique to your species. The animation is clearly just visual flavor and not meant to be taken literally, but the process it represents is what really matters.

Basically what all of this means is that whenever a being travels via Teleportation, there’s some built-in security function that will monitor their biological signal (which is how they can allow for intergalactic teleportation on the fly in the first place) that will prevent a Being from dying. It doesn’t protect one from being injured (especially since wounds can be immediately healed through similar technological processes), but at the moment one would expire they’re instead recalled to safety by the teleportation system. This sort of technology operates on faster-than-light processing speeds, so it’s not like it could ever really come up short in the heat of the moment, after all. But even with that it isn’t infallible. In the events of the game, Earth was completely destroyed and countless lives were lost in the process, presumably because there was no recall function operating at the time. I mean, Ruin showed up to wreck the entire planet in short order, so no doubt whatever security systems might’ve been in place on Earth were likewise destroyed in the process, which required survivors to flee via ship. At the time of its destruction Earth had been a peaceful paradise for ages, so odds are they might’ve been a little lax on having redundancies to cover their butts with since there were literally no genuine threats to be vigilant against.

Back to the point; this serves as functional immortality. Not actual immortality. Beings in the setting still age, can suffer diseases/toxins, lose limbs, and so forth. Similarly, if one were to somehow disable the means of teleportation (putting up a no-fly-zone anti teleportation field, destroying a teleporter array entirely, etc.) that would put someone relying on such a means of security in mortal peril as a result. There might even be naturally-occurring cases that could prevent teleportation recall as well, which the player may experience during the events at the end of the game which I won’t discuss fully here to avoid spoiling anyone.

#starbound #starbound au #worldbuilding speculation

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sevenchan-translation · 3 years

Text

Earthworm Jim animated EP2 The Book Of Doom

アースワームジム　第2話　破滅の本

Special Thanks : @teddyroo12

Jim:Careful little buddy, my uncanny worm senses tell me we may be in danger!

気をつけろ、坊や。危険が迫っているかもしれないと、俺のミミズの勘が働いている。

Aw, really?

マジかよ？

Psy-crow:Gosh, nothing gets by you, do it? Now I have shrunk you to microscopic size with Professor Monkey For a Head's patented reducing cream, in lotion or ointment form.

おやおや、お察しの通り。モンキーフォーアヘッド教授特製の減量クリームでお前を小さくしたのさ。ローションと軟膏もあるよ。

I will crush you like...

Some easily crushed thing!

俺はお前を好きなように潰せるが…

すぐに壊れてしまいそうだな！

GAH! Worm in head, WORM IN HEAD!!

ギャーー！ミミズが頭の中に、ミミズが頭の中に！！

Jim: Psycrow's behavioral control center. Quick, your tape player!

サイクロウの体性神経だ。テーププレーヤーを寄越せ。

Peter: You're not gonna get custard on it again, are you?

またカスタード塗れにしないよね、ねぇ？

Psy-crow: Got to, TANGO!!!

タンゴが踊れる！！

Peter: Once again, villainy is as a bug beneath your mighty heel Jim.

またしても悪役は君の靴の下に屈したね。ジム。

Jim: Hahahahaha! Colorful turn of phrase Peter, But we must hasten home.

Before it does, we have an urgent mission to accomplish. WE MUST-

ハハハ！乱暴だが面白い言い方だな、ピーター。さて、急いで家に帰らなくては。

その減量クリームはすぐに効力を失う、その前に緊急の任務を遂行しなくてはならない。必ず…

Clean that hard to reach place under the fridge.

手の届きにくい、冷蔵庫の下を掃除するべきだ。

♫Opening theme♫

Narration:On the infernal planet heck, on his important throne, sits vileness incarnate, the personification of malevolence, EVIL THE CAT!!!

地獄の惑星ヘックでは、悪の化身、悪の擬人化であるイビルザキャットが、荘厳な王座の上に座っていました。

Cat:Get quart of milk, Done.

Return videos, Done.

Punish Henchrat...

牛乳を買った。

ビデオの返却をした。

ヘンチラットにお仕置きを…

Rat:OW!

Cat:Done.

した。

Rat:Hehe, thank you boss.

へへ、有難うございますボス。

Cat:Go to dry cleaners, Done.

Destroy entire universe, Hm....

クリーニング屋さんに行った。

全宇宙を破壊…ふむ。

Cat:This spell will require the most loathsome things in existence, Eye of newt, Black cats bone thrice spoiled at midnight,You may have already won letter.

この呪文を唱えるには、この世で最も忌々しいモノが必要だ。

イモリの目玉、真夜中に3回腐らせた黒猫の骨。

あなたは既に勝っているかもしれません、の手紙。

I will uncover the location of, THE BOOK!

私はあの本の居場所を突き止める！

Rat:No boss, not THE BOOK!

やめてボス、その本だけは。

Cat:Yes, THE BOOK!!

THE BOOK! The vilest tome in creation, The most dreaded manuscript ever published, The volume so fowl men dare not speak its name.

あの本！あらゆる創作物の中で最も不快な大作、

これまで出版された中で最も忌々しい原稿で、

雄鳥たちも名前を口にしないような分厚さ。

Fuzzy Wuzzy's Funny Animals Pop-up Book.

キュートでふわふわ、動物さんたちの楽しい飛び出し絵本。

Narration: The history of the book!

Centuries ago, a foolish printer left his apprentice in charge.

その本の歴史とは。

何世紀も前、愚かな印刷業者が仕事を新米に委ねた。

Lord of Printer:Now Mongo, print here this amusing, enfolded, childrens tome.

But do not of accident print this.

さぁモンゴ、この愉快な子供向けの絵本を印刷して折り込んでくれ。

しかし、間違ってもこれは印刷するんじゃないぞ。

Mongo:Ye mystic secret of ult-

Strange words my lord, what does of mean?

究極の神秘的な…

奇妙な言葉ですね先生、どういう意味ですか？

Lord of Printer: You witless jackolent!

It sayeth, Ye mystic secret of ultimate destruction.

君はおバカだな。

究極の破壊行為をするための神秘的な秘密と言っているんだ。

Narration:Late that night, Mongo's feeble mind began to wonder.

夜も深けた頃、おバカなモンゴは疑問に思いました。

Mongo: I do wonder, why does my feet hurt when I run the printing press?

And also, what came with the fish from trown, tis a funny word.

印刷機を動かしている時、足が痛いのは何故だろう？

そして、あの可笑しな言葉が書かれたオマケのページは何だろう？

Narration:Yes, thus did history's most grievous printers error occur.

Fuzzy Wuzzy's Funny Animals Pop-Up Book came to include the secret for destroying the universe.

Right after the Pudgy Wudgy Hippo, Only one copy still exists with its location unknown for centuries.

Until now.

こうして、歴史上最も深刻な印刷ミスが起きました。

キュートでふわふわ、動物さんたちの楽しい飛び出し絵本に宇宙を破壊するための秘密が含まれてしまったのです。

ぷにぷにカバちゃんの次のページに印刷されているものが一冊だけ現存しているが、どこにあるかは何世紀もの間知られていませんでした。

今までは。

Cat: Cauldron, show me the location of, THE BOOK!!

The book is, WHERE?

My now, what a coincidence...

大釜よ、本の居場所を映してくれ。

今、あの本はどこにある？

何という偶然だろう…。

Narration:Meanwhile in Earthworm Jim's secret headquarters.

一方、アースワームジムの秘密基地では

Jim: I'm afraid I can't save the world today Mr. President.

I'm on a mission of the utmost importance.

申し訳ないが大統領、今日は世界を救えない。

最重要任務が控えているんだ。

I just never get enough of the Pudgy Wudgy Hippo!

このぷにぷにカバちゃんが大好きなんだ！

I still don't think this one is funny...

HEY! What does "Ye mystic secret" mean?

これは相変わらず笑えないな…

ヘイ！神秘的な秘密ってどういう意味だ？

You're right Snott! It does make you wonder if there was a grievous printers error!

スノットの言う通りだな。これは深刻な印刷ミスなんじゃないか？

HARK! My uncanny worm senses detect the dreaded footfalls of villainy!

Halt, vile foe of unrighteousness!!!

俺のミミズの勘が、忌々しい悪党の足音を察知した！

止まれ！邪悪な敵め！

Cat:Alright worm, give me, THE BOOK!!

やあミミズくん、その本を寄越せ！！

Jim: NEVER!!

You can beat me to a pulp, you can slice me to ribbons, but NOONE TOUCHES MY FUZZY WUZZY!!

絶対嫌だ！！

俺をボコボコに叩きのめしても良い、ズタズタにしてくれても良い。

だが、この絵本には手を出さないでくれ！

Actually, I'll just assume to take a rain check on the beating and slicing part?

あ、でも殴ったり切ったりするのはまた今度にしてもらっても良い？

Cat:Ok, we'll do this the hard way.

NOW!

分かった、善処するよ。

やれ！

Jim: Alright, mushy french cheese!

良いね、美味しそうなチーズだ！

That is some bad cheese...

これは酷いチーズだ…。

AAGH!

Cheese hardening... Draining strength... Can't move...

チーズが固まっていく…力が抜けていく…動けない…

Peter: Jim, come on, you got to break free!

ジム、こっちへ来て。壊して動けるようにしてあげる！

Cat: We will have... THE BOOK!

And you two will have the honor of being the last foolish mortals I rip to shreds before, I destroy THE UNIVERSE!!

我らはその本を…手に入れる！

そしてお前たち2人には、切り裂かれ愚かに死んでいく名誉を与えよう。私が宇宙を破壊する前にな！！

Narration:Lifestyles Rich Villainous.

Today, evil, vile, Professor Monkey for a Head.

Inventor of such tre chic evil devices such as, The awesome Spotronicprotevblundifiyer, The terrible Atomic Banana, And the abominable Pay toilet.

リッチな悪役の私生活

本日は邪悪で下劣なモンキーフォーアヘッド教授です。

恐ろしいスポトロニックプロテーブブランディファイアー、

やば過ぎるアトミックバナナ、嫌らしい有料トイレなど

実に趣味の良い邪悪な装置の発明者です。

The nefarious professor lives a life of luxury in his glamorous space station laboratory.

Here, Professor Monkey for a Head and his companion, Monkey Professor for a Head, enjoy their many hobbies.

教授は宇宙ステーションの研究所で贅沢三昧に暮らしています。

ここではモンキーフォーアヘッド教授と、彼の友人モンキープロフェッサーフォーアヘッドが、様々な娯楽を楽しんでいます。

PING PONG!GROOMING!

And of course, GOURMET COOKING!

卓球！体のお手入れ！

そしてもちろん美味しい料理！

After a hard day of terrorizing the galaxy, They enjoy nothing more than a quiet evening before a roaring fire.

But the professor has some advice from young would be supervillians.

彼らの1番の楽しみは、銀河系を恐怖に陥れて大変だった1日の夜、暖炉の前で静かに過ごすことです。

しかし教授は、スーパーヴィランになるであろう未来ある若者たちからたくさんの相談を受けています。

Professor: It's not all champagne, sometimes, there's real pain...

いつでもうまくいく訳ではない、時には、本当に痛い目に逢う時も…

I TOLD HIM NOT TO SHOOT MY RIGHT PROFILE!

HE MADE ME LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF FREAK!!

右側から撮るなと言ったのに！

アイツのせいで、私が変な奴に見えるじゃないか！

Did you put my patented reducing cream in the coffee again?

お猿ちゃん、また私特製の減量クリームをコーヒーに混ぜた？

TURN THAT OFF! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT PROGRAM!

やめなさい、それは私の嫌がることだって教えたでしょ！

This is no longer a caring relationship...

もう、面倒みてやらないぞ…

#earthworm jim ep2

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dispatchdcu · 4 years

Text

Jason Aaron has evolved into one of the most creatively rich and productive writers at Marvel, and frankly in the entire Comic Book Landscape. His stories are saturated with texture and steeped in foundational knowledge as well as character growth. From Wolverine to the Hulk, and even Doctor Strange, Jason Aaron has taken every character he’s touched at Marvel and reshaped them into something so much more!

Well, over the past eight + years, Jason Aaron has done the same thing with the God of Thunder. So, to help new readers jumping deep into the MCU or to those that have never taken the intense plunge into THOR, here is a thorough reading order for all related Jason Aaron THOR titles dating back to 2012. This should keep you current!

Plus, if you can hang on until the end, I’ve attached single issue reviews, as well as series reviews, for tons of other Jason Aaron titles from THE GODDAMNED, to SCALPED, and other amazing Marvel Heroes in between! Thanks for the read and I hope you enjoy it.

And if you’re all caught up on Aaron’s THOR, check out my latest review of THOR #5 by Donny Cates HERE, as well as links to get your hands on current THOR issues and trades.

Thor: God Of Thunder (2012-2015)

Thor: God Of Thunder Volume 1: The God Butcher (#1-5)

A trail of blood threatens to consume Thor’s past, present, and future! Throughout the ages, gods have been vanishing, their mortal worshipers left in chaos. The only hope for these ravaged worlds is for Thor to unravel the gruesome mystery of the God Butcher! In the distant past, the Thunder God discovers a forgotten cave that echoes with the cries of tortured gods – and is shocked to find himself among them! In the present, Thor follows the bloody wake of murdered gods across the depths of space. And thousands of years from now, the last god-king of a ruined Asgard makes his final stand against the God Butcher’s berserker legions. As three Thors from three eras race to stop the God Butcher, the full extent of his vicious scheme takes terrifying shape!