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Jurassic World: Dominion
I'm giving myself 13 minutes to write this whilst I finish my break. I could just some this up in two words; fucking shit. However, let me expand on why this film is fucking shit by writing a few paragraphs of unintellectual nonsense.
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This film is kinda split in two parts. The Park side, and the World side. On the Park side we see that dinosaur Locusts having been destroying crops and the Laura Dern and Sam Neil team up and infiltrate the bad guys base. On the World side, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are looking after that girl from Fallen Kingdom. She, along with Blue's (the dinosaur from the other films) daughter, get kidnapped by the same bad guy and Chris and Bryce set off across the world to save them.
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Look, there's a bunch of stuff going on that doesn't make sense. And I really don't have the energy to tell you every single time there is a huge plot hole, but I will say this. If there is a 2 and a half hour film about dinosaurs, I want to see at least half of that film being pure dinosaur action. I want dinosaurs eating people. I want dinosaurs eating buildings. I want dinosaurs eating dinosaurs. I want them tearing shit up, I want them causing havoc, I want to them to be going bananas. There wasn't enough. Disappointed! What there was enough of though, was awful dialogue. My favourite being Chris Pratt asking the human trafficker, "why are you helping us?", to their response being "do you want help or do you want answers?", aka "I don't actually know why I'm helping you but this is the nonsense that was written for me".
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My final annoyance was during a simple conversation between 3 characters. This should be simple. You have a wide shot, showing all 3 characters. And then you have 3 close ups of the main characters. You don't need to do too much to it, an edit now and again, a nice clean steady shot. It's a simple conversation. Easy. However, this film decided to do extreme close ups, a cut every 5 seconds, the camera shaked, the camera wobbled. I think whoever green lit needs to give their head a wobble. You'd understand if you watched it, but why you'd want to watch it I wouldn't know.
1/5
Shit. Fucking shit. That was just a 13 minute quick thought about this film. It's shocking. Give me more dinosaurs eating people!!
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The Lost City
It's finally happened, the day has come when I have watched the worst film of all time. It's here. It's The Lost City. A city is lost. Any IQ I had left has gone.
Sandra Bullock is a romantic action writer whose cover star is Channing Tatum. She gets sick of touring so ends her final book with a terrible ending so fans don't want more. In the book she talks about a mythical city that turns out to be a real city and one that Daniel Radcliffe is trying to find so he can sort out some daddy or mummy issues I don't know, someone has issues. I have issues with everything about it. Radcliffe kidnapps Bullock to find the city and Tatum tries to save the day but is an idiot but he isn't really an idiot and throughout the journey we learn he is actually really deep. Fuck me, I'm an idiot for watching it.
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Like it's not even stupid funny that actually makes it quite decent. It is just a really shit film where every joke falls flat, every attempt to be serious is ridiculously awkward. They keep up a recurring joke about Bullocks dress being on loan so she can't get it ruined, and honestly they say it about 6 times throughout the film. It really isn't funny. It's so stupid!! AAAARGH.
AAAAAAARRRRGFHHHHHH
1/5
This is without doubt one of the worst films that I've seen. The only good thing was that it was a free ticket and the packet of chocolate digestives that I ate was really nice.
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The Northman
I had mixed emotions going into this. I was pumped, because I love Robert Eggers, but I was also trying to keep my emotions in check, just in case this didn't hit the heights that The Lighthouse did. When I saw the critics calling it 'this decades Gladiator' I reigned my emotions even more in check. I'm glad I did. Whilst The Northman has some fantastic things going for it, it didn't feel original, and instead played out like a standard revenge story.
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When Amleth is a child, his father, the king is murdered by Amleth's uncle, Fjolnir, who also kidnaps his mother. Amleth manages to escape, and years later he looks like Alexander Skarsgard, buff. On hearing that slave traders are on their way to Fjolnir's farm to deliver some slaves, Amleth poses as one of them to avenge his father and rescue his mother.
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The film itself is visually fantastic. The action pieces are brilliantly put together, and I really couldn't take my eyes away from the violence and gore. Just like in The Lighthouse, the cinematography from Jarin Blaschke is stunning and they allow the actor to act. Lots of long takes which is something that I like to see. The performances from the main cast are great.
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I did find the story a bit basic, it was a standard revenge story that didn't do anything new or have anything to say. Some of the weirder scenes didn't really seem necessary but I guess this is Egger's being like "look how much research I've put into this". For me this was filler, and the film itself could have been cut back by a fair chunk. Some of the plot points seemed a little silly and didn't really make much sense. With The Lighthouse (I still need to watch The Witch) it is the story that grips and the other aspects add to my enjoyment. With this, it was just the visuals, which is fine, but I was hoping for more. Maybe on my second watch, if I second watch this, I'll think otherwise.
3/5
A lot to enjoy, but not enough to make me really love it. The action was incredible, the story was lacking.
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Sonic The Hedgehog 2
I have been waiting ages for this film, no but seriously, I loved the first movie. It was just a really good fun kids film. I saw some critics professionally and amateur criticising it for being stupid. Yes it's stupid, that's the point, it's a hedgehog that can run really fucking fast. It's dumb. But it's great fun and it does that. The sequel is no different. Energetic, chaotic, stupid; but good fun.
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Sonic is having a chill time with his new family. Dr Robotnik is trying to escape the mushroom planet. As he does, he meets Knuckles. Together they team up to defeat Sonic and take the Master Emerald. Sonic, with the help of Tails, tries to save the day and stop them getting the Emerald for the sake of mankind.
It's a fairly simple plot but again, it's a kids film. It can be, it's fine. They do drag the movie out with an uninteresting subplot that isn't totally necessary and a very bizarre dance off between Sonic and some neo nazi looking pirates in the mountains. But the overall story is good fun. The action scenes are really cool and the humour between the characters is genuinely quite funny. I lost my mind when Sonic referenced The Fast and Furious franchise. Actually lost it.
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4/5
Dumb but fun. That's the answer to the question, how would you describe me. An enjoyable 2 hour film with lots of excitement and humour. That's the answer to the question, how would I describe Sonic The Hedgehog 2. Go watch it. Have fun.
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Red Rocket
Isn't there something so great about going into a film that you have no expectations or hopes with and then the film turns out to be fantastic. I love when that happens, and I loved this. Sean Bakers latest film about an ex pornstar who travels back to his wife's home to find a more 'normal' way of living. It's a brilliant film that has smart dialogue, impressive performances and a great story that has made this one of the best films I've seen this year. I'm struggling to understand why this film was overlooked at the Oscars this year, Simon Rex's powerful performance was easily the best one going. He captures the attention of the audience through his energetic portrayal of a desperate man. An anti-hero for sure, but one that we love.
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I wish I could write more intelligent words than what I have, but this is a film that you have to watch. It's different to what is currently out, but it's the best and needs to be seen.
5/5
Quite clearly, I loved it. Go watch it. Throw yourself into a film. Make sure it is Red Rocket.
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The Batman
Another Batman film, god I am fucking sick of them. We've had more Batman films since '95 than there are backbones in the Tory government. I love Batman, and whilst I was looking forward to this, I can't say I particularly cared a lot about it. The cast looked amazing and despite a really great 2 hours, the last hour was a chore.
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R-Patz is the Batz. But this time Bruce Wayne is a bit of a whiny teenager, listening to Nirvana, writing in his diary, sounds like me as a 15 year old. He probably has a Tumblr account too. After a serious of crimes committed by The Riddler, The Batman is taken on a journey across Gotham to get to the bottom of the whole thing, whilst uncovering some uncomfortable truths about the Wayne family.
There is a lot to enjoy here, the main cast are great. Pattinson is a really cool Batman, Kravitz is bad-ass as Catwoman and Paul Dano as the The Riddler is great. The three hour run time didn't bother me as much as I originally thought it would, but that's because the first 2 hours was nicely paced, a good blend of action and story. I enjoyed that this was more of a detective Batman than previous ones, although at times some of the answers to the riddles were rather dumb. There were a few laughs in the cinema, but I'm not sure it was actually intended to be funny.
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I thought that the film got a bit stupid when The Riddler was unmasked, he became quite annoying and whiny and I wasn't a fan of this. I didn't think there was enough Batman beating the shit out of everyone which is essentially what we want from a Batman movie, especially a 15 rated Batman movie. I wanted violence, gore, blood and guts. I got nothing. Not that this is necessarily bad, but the story weighed heavily on the Telltale Batman games (well worth playing) and I think the game handled that story better. It's a cool idea, but I'm not sure it was carried out enough in the film. The last hour/ending felt like a typical superhero film, and it seemed quite sudden and not part of the whole story to what we had seen for the first two hours.
3/5
A good build up, a disappointing ending. And yes, I'm talking about the film. Good in parts, tedious in others. And yes, I'm talking about me. Let's hope the future films will be a bit more adventurous and fun.
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Morbius
Honestly, this film isn't even that bad? Like this got soooo much hate and yeah it's dumb, but it isn't the worst film ever made. It's not even the worst film starring Jared Leto in the last year coughhouseofguccicough
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Leto's a Dr, got some dodgy bone condition but is super smart, his best bud has also got a dodgy bone condition but is super rich. Combining his best friend's money and his brain, Morbius tries to invent a cure to rid them of this disease. He mixes his blood with bat blood and becomes THE BATMAN...no wrong film, wrong comic company, he becomes...A MAN WHO HAS BAT ABILITIES. You know he's more of a Batman than the ACTUAL Batman. Cure doesn't actually work and he hates who he becomes. He intends to destroy the medicine, but for some reason takes it with him so that someone can steal it, not so smart now, and someone does steal it! His best friend!
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shout-out to the worst dialogue in film history
Here's the thing, it tries to be funny, but isn't funny. It tries to be dark, but isn't dark (apart from one scary scene but I'm a wimp). It doesn't really know what it is, and ends up being nothing. Well, other than bad. It's definitely bad. I miss old Jared when he was young and cute and not part of a cult. Half of the film is voiceover so it at times feels like noir film from the 50's but without any of the mystery. God it's bad. And it's not even fun bad where I could laugh at it, because it does genuinely try to be good. To me it felt felt and looked like the 2004 Fantastic Four film, just really old and outdated.
The thing is that it had some decent performances, Jared Harris as the mentor for Morbius. Matt Smith as his bud. Even Tyrese Gibson was a surprise as the police detective which just seemed odd. They were fine, everything else, nope. I even watched this in the IMAX at Leicester Square (free ticket, fuck paying £20 for that) just to see if the big fuck off screen made any improvements. Alas, it didn't. It just highlighted even more what a twat Leto is.
1/5
You know, I originally gave this a 2 on my letterboxd account, https://boxd.it/2bhsH (HMU) but writing this has reminded me just how bad it was. Maybe it's a one, maybe it is a two, maybe watch it for yourself, make up your own goddamn opinion!
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Fantastic Beasts: Secrets of Dumbledore
More like DUMBledore, right? Because this film is dumb and unnecessary and made me feel stupid. Well, stupider. You know all the stuff you read in the 7th Harry Potter book about Dumbledore being in love with Grindel face and his sister being killed, but in the 7th Harry Potter film they hardly showed any of that, well in this film you get the true 7th Harry Potter film. It's just a shame it's a really bad film.
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So basically Dumbledore's lover is really bad but Dumbledore can't fight him because of a vow they made as teenagers so he recruits Newt and his buds to fight Grindel face instead. There's also something about a magic deer that needs protecting. Newt and the Newtette's go off to try and save the day whilst Dumbledore decides to have a day off and eat a lot of soup with his brother.
What's good about this? Well the animals are kinda cute and I want them. Especially that little green guy. He's cute. Visually it can be quite impressive. Madds is hot as Grindel face and is much better than any of the other actors playing him. He's just a pretty decent actor and hopefully he'll be in the others. I don't say hopefully because I want there to be more of these films, I say hopefully because when they release these stupid films I want there to be something I can enjoy. That's kind of it. Oh, I watched it with someone who was really pretty so during the times when the film got too stupid and was annoying me I could just look at her. That's my advice to you all, watch this film with someone buff.
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It's too long, it is dumb, there were so many plot holes and some of the continuity was shocking. Like there's one seen when Jacob is holding a pan, and then the next shot he isn't, and then he is, and then he isn't and then he gets transported to a train and he somehow still has it. It just bugs me. Eddie Redmayne bugs me too. He is basically a reincarnated Hugh Grant from the 90's, bumbling his way through everything. These films just aren't needed, I have zero care for any of the character, I don't know who the characters are and we also know how it's gonna end. And no one cares. I said at the end of the last one it will be that Grindel face is controlling Hitler and I'm even more convinced that will happen in the upcoming films. So many references to Brexit, second referendums and independence I felt like I was watching a more boring version of Question Time.
2/5
Stupid, boring and unimpressive. And that's just this review. The film is even worse! Can you imagine.
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Belfast
This black and white film set in Belfast, shock, is based around director Kenneth Branagh's own upbringing. It tells a story of a young family trying to find their way during The Troubles.
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There's nothing particularly wrong with this movie but it just feels very safe. For me, it doesn't explore The Troubles enough, but maybe because the feel is told through the eyes of a young boy this isn't needed. The performances of all the cast are good, especially (insert actors name and character) who was a delight to watch. You can probably tell from this short review just how...average it felt.
3/5 The film is an easy Sunday afternoon watch. It's pleasant and warm but it doesn't necessarily do anything. It's there, unforgettable, but an enjoyable 90 minute watch.
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Belle
I've never really been a big anime fan, not for any particular reason but we just haven't crossed paths often. I've seen Belle advertised a lot and it has looked interesting. Seeing as I can get free tickets I went along and I'm conflicted.
Suzu has had some trauma in her past and it means she hasn't enjoyed her life recently. When she enters the SIM like world called U she develops a new persona called Belle, who instantly becomes a hit due to her brilliant voice. During a concert, the mysterious beast turns up causing chaos and the authorities to chase him. Belle tracks him down and the two of them begin a curious relationship.
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The animes I have seen have all had one thing in common, the artwork is incredible. Belle is no different. It's backdrops are filled with beauty and wonder. The songs are really great and not exactly catchy because I couldn't speak the language, but they were cool. The last hour takes a bit of a different turn, for the better, and finishes really strongly. The first hour is a borefest, save the first 10 minutes. I was actually considering leaving at the halfway point. Look, it's a free ticket. But I'm glad I stayed, as I mentioned, the last hour is really good. I found the characters quite annoying and the acting was poor. Scenes weren't funny and it was overacted. The emotions went to the max, which was quite distracting and annoying.
2/5  A harsh score, the ending and songs saved this from being a really dull film due to the poor characters and similar storyline.
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Wrath of Man
The recent guy Ritchie films have been awful, I love his early stuff but once you've seen one you've seen them all. The gentleman was shocking, full of toxic masculinity and cringy dialogue that was full of unnecessary swear words. Couldn't stand it. I went into Wrath of Man with the lowest of expectations and came out pleasantly surprised, mainly because it doesn't feel like a guy Ritchie film.
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The film starts with a truck carrying a tonne of cash getting robbed, we don't see much just the events happening from inside the truck. We can over hear dialogue that makes it seem like more is happening on the outside. The scene ends and then we cut to the fantastic Jason Statham applying for a job at the company whose truck was just robbed. He just about passes the test and begins to show some hidden skills suitable for the job.
What the film does well is that it splits the story into four parts so we see the paths taken, it keeps it quite interesting, even when some of the events are rehashed. It's cleverly done. The action is quick and exciting and Statham is at his cool, cold best. Love him. The beginning is a bit slow and does feature some of Ritchie's shocking dialogue, but it soon gets over this when it focuses on the action and not necessarily the dialogue. Which is a good thing because I don't like his writing.
4/5  In the mood for a good heist movie featuring some fantastic action scenes and a great performance from Statham? Give this a go. Nothing mind blowing or Oscar worthy, but a good silly film to chill out with.
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Tragedy of Macbeth
Another film adaptation of Shakespeare's Macbeth, good god give me a break. I've never been a fan of ol' Shakespeare, I hated studying it at school, I couldn't understand what the fuck he was talking about. In Joel Coen's recent hit, the traditional language is still used although it is scaled back. Thank fuck. 
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We know the story. Macbeth meets three witches, tells him he'll be King of Scotland, goes slightly mad you know we all know. The main man Denzel Washington gives a great performance of the crazed king.
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Look, the film looks beautiful. Like seriously beautiful. The cinematography is honestly breath-taking, every shot could be a still from the National Art Gallery, it's the best thing going for it. Despite how good it looks, I wasn't a fan. And maybe I've got my anti-Shakespeare glasses on, but I couldn't enjoy it because of the language. Which I know sounds dumb. It wasn't energetic enough, there was a slow pace which didn't add to my enjoyment.
2/5 Honestly beautiful, great performance from Denzel but that is everything going for it.
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Cow
My review for this could be summed up by Twitter post which didn't get any sort of attention and that sucks because it was really funny. Check out dangalfthewhite on twitter.
Ok here are some actual intelligent thoughts about the documentary. It was odd, it's unlike a documentary I've seen before and whilst I haven't seen loads I've seen a few. You expect there to feature a lot of dialogue, a lot of questions between the director and the cast members. this wasn't the case for Cow. The camera just followed a cow and her calf, Luna, and their day to day life on the farm.
At times it was quite beautiful and so on point were some of the emotions from Luna that I did start to wonder if this was a CGI Cow. With the beauty does come sadness of course and I will be surprised if you do not choke at the ending. What's most interesting about Cow is that it doesn't offer you any direction in terms of veganism. Which is something you'd probably expect from a documentary film of a Cow living on a farm.
4/5  Beautiful and subtle, this is a really fascinating watch and something I'd recommend, for those who practice Veganism and those, like me, who are meat eaters.
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Licorice Pizza
West Ham recently played in an enthralling 3-2 victory at Selhurst Park, the home ground of Crystal Palace. The first half was excellent for West Ham, my team. We went 3 goals in front, played some excellent football and I was really enjoying it, like it was great. The second half wasn't as fun. 2 goals conceded in the last 15 minutes, and I just couldn't wait for this all to end. My enjoyment of this match is quite similar to my viewing of Paul Thomas Anderson's latest film. And whilst I came away from both the match, and the film enjoying what I had seen. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed with the overall performance considering how good the first half was.
15 year old former child star Gary Valentine (Cooper Hoffman) first sees 25 year old Alana (Alana Haim) when she is helping with the photoshoot at his school. He knows straightaway that he loves her. He advances on her, and whilst at first she doesn't respond to him, she eventually meets up for dinner and the pair of them continue a friendship/relationship. Alana plans on being someone first as an actress and then working for her local politician. Gary uses his contacts and streetwise talk to look for ways of making money. Whilst all this is going on, Gary is still trying to get Alana to fall for him.
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First things first, the performances of Cooper Hoffman and Alana Haim, both in their debut feature roles, are fantastic. They captured every feeling and every emotion. I loved them separately, and I loved the chemistry between the pair of them. It really was great acting. I loved the 70's feel of the movie when it was set, and watching this in 35mm really added to that look. The dialogue was sharp and witty and I wouldn't be surprised if this was Oscar nominated for best original screenplay, there were some real laugh out loud moments. It also has a banging soundtrack.
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Again, I can't help but feel that there were some key issues that didn't make me enjoy this as much as I should have. Firstly, and most importantly, this is a noncy film. And those people who say it's sweet and romantic need to take a look at themselves. She's 25. He's 15. I don't care how old and mature the character he is, she is grooming him. It isn't sweet, the character is a nonce. It isn't romantic. Nonce. I don’t have an issue with the film exploring this, but more an issue how people haven’t found the idea of it problematic.
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There were some big cameos from Bradley Cooper and Sean Penn and whilst these characters were slightly funny I do feel that they distracted from the original story. I didn't really know why they were, I don't feel they added to the story. The characters were SO large of life that I feel they devalued away from the film. It also meant that the running time came to 2 hours and 13 minutes. It overstayed its welcome slightly. Especially because the first half was so good, so quick paced, the second just seemed to go on a bit because there were so many good things about this.
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3/5 Two incredible performances from Hoffman and Haim, really funny, great wit but it ended up being disappointing. I feel so conflicted about this movie. I don't know if my frustration at the lack of people finding this problematic is making me think it isn't a 4 film, but there were other things about that made me dislike it. I'm torn.
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Encounter
Riz Ahmed is on a meteoric rise at the moment and I personally think he is brilliant. In this sci-fi thriller we see another good performance in a film that has some interesting themes. Whilst the performance is good and the idea behind the film is fine enough, the overall execution is a little off.
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Malik (Ahmed) is a soldier who spends a lot of time away from his kids who live with their mother and step-dad. One night, he arrives at their house and tells the kids they going on a road trip. Malik tells the kids that they need to be safe from the bugs that are causing the population to become sick and that the road trip is actually a rescue mission, where they can go back to his base and be safe.
The performances from the main actors, Ahmed and Octavia Spencer are really good and carry the film throughout. The parasite idea is pretty cool and it does keep you guessing throughout the film. It is relatively short which is good as the film doesn't drag. Ultimately though, the film drags a little. The final 30 minutes looks a little bit like a college made film due to some of the action scenes and acting from the secondary characters. There wasn't really enough going on to sink my teeth into and it lacked a punch.
2/5 Cool idea and a great lead performance from Riz Ahmed but unfortunately the film doesn't do enough to make it memorable.
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C’mon C’mon
Have you ever wondered what the sequel to Her would be like? Watch C'mon C'mon. Because it's sort of like that. Joaquin Phoenix plays a similar semi-depressed mumbling guy who is kinda good looking and is trying to navigate his way through life. He has delved into the complexity of relationships, now he is learning about being a responsible adult to his young nephew who he has to look after.
Johnny (Phoenix) and Viv (Gaby Hoffman) are siblings who have a fractured relationship since the death of their parents. Viv has a young child, Jesse (Woody Norman) with her partner who no longer lives with them due to mental health reasons. Viv has to visit him whilst he is in rehab and asks Johnny to look after Jesse for a few days. Johnny agrees, and this slowly turns into a few weeks. The pair of them grow a bond, Jesse helping Johnny at his job as a radio journalist, although there are of course difficulties along the way.
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 This is a really lovely film that explores a lot of themes such as parenthood, toxic masculinity, growing up. It's helped by the beautiful directing by Mike Mills, opting for a black and white screen that harks back to Allen's Manhattan, a similar film of two people walking about a city and finding out about each other. The performances of Phoenix, Hoffman and Norman are brilliant and really bring a realistic touch to the film. The frequent interviews between Phoenix and the children when he is asking about the future is a nice touch and as these interviews continue throughout the credits, you will really want to sit and wait for them to roll. The ending in particular is the real highlight, it ends with a big ol' emotional punch which really gets to you and is a beautiful way to end a film such as this.
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There wasn't anything particularly bad about this film. I felt the running length could have been trimmed by a good 20 minutes, this is easily a 90 minute film. At times it became a bit self-indulgent and had a bit too much fat on it. And whilst it is a lovely film, it isn't something I'd want to watch again. 
3/5 Some really good performances from the three mentioned. It's a lovely film but doesn't really pack a punch until the closing scene which is in all fairness really quite beautiful.
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House of Gucci
Where to begin? Jared Leto forgetting how to act? The terrible accents that made the Dolmino family seem more authentic than any of the performances in the film? Being 2 hours and 40 minutes Ridley Scott declaring that he hates all young people? Maybe if Mr Scott made a more interesting and engaging film we wouldn't have to be on our phones (to be clear, no-one should be on their phones in the cinema), but the point remains, make a better film.
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Adam Driver and Lady Gaga are in love. He is the heir to 50% of the Gucci empire. Overtime, the two of them, more down to Patrizia Reggiani move away from the family and start to play games. This backfires when Maurizio Gucci leaves his wife and she plots to get her revenge.
Al Pacino, as always was great, I love him. We got a classic Pacino shout which made me chuckle. Adam Driver and Lady Gaga were good and carried the film well. The first half of the film was decent.
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Quite simply, this was a chore to sit through. Whilst the first half was enjoyable, the second half dragged along, the moment Lady Gaga's character went gaga, it got even sillier and turned into a bit of a soap opera. This film really didn't need to be that long. Jared Leto was abysmal, his performance was bonkers and this was meant to be a serious thing. It was quite pathetic. The direction of Scott was poor, who seems to be very pretentious in his film-making, all style over substance. And even then the style wasn't that great.
2/5 Some half decent performances from Driver, Gaga and Pacino. But this was a terrible film, too bloated and too long. This could easily have been 2 hours long and a serious film. Instead, it is a mess.
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