tifarobles

[tifarobles]

So this is 33...

I turned 33 this month. When I turned 32 I did not know that I would lose both of my parents in less than a year. I hadn’t yet realized that I had Fibromyalgia or was actually autistic. To say a lot has happened is a drastic understatement. And that isn’t even bringing up the pandemic we have all been surviving.

This blog post is going to cover a lot of very personal updates. Dear reader – I ask for an open mind. I ask for compassion and understanding that life has felt very hard for a very long time.

In August I got keys to a new apartment. A two-bedroom apartment that would have one room for me and one room for my kiddo. I made the decision to leave a 10-year relationship that had defined most of my adulthood.

I met Mike when I was 22 years old and had not yet even graduated college. He was impressed at the level to which I knew who I was and how much of my life I had figured out. Looking back, I had only just begun to understand myself at that time. I was always type-A personality, a stellar student who loved to overachieve. I had a life plan that had gone correctly up to that point: I had gone to college on a full ride scholarship, graduated on the Dean’s list, and gotten a job with a promising career path in front of me. I knew that the “correct” next steps were to get married, buy a house, and start a family. Mike fit into that Happily Ever After so perfectly. We were so in love and wanted all the same things. He was older and already owned a house. He seemed so mature and responsible.

The truth is, we were both so very wrong. I was queer and polyamorous and had barely started to taste the surface of my sexual identity. He had untouched mental health issues and had yet to deal with the feelings from his last marriage, which had only ended a few months before we started dating. We learned a lot from each other right away and quickly clung to a codependent relationship in order to each feel complete.

We fought. A lot. But it felt just like the relationships we had as examples growing up, which made us think it was part of true love. It also felt safe. We could air out all our unhealthy habits on each other without fear of judgment because we were both so similar.

Shortly into us dating, Mike asked to be exclusive, and I cancelled two dates with women that were on my calendar, thinking that since I never went on a date with a woman I couldn’t possibly miss the experience. It was just another part of myself I could ignore. I had already experienced a lifetime of secretly shaming myself for having multiple crushes, so this couldn’t be that different. Plus, I didn’t think being polyam fit in with wanting to be a mom, and I knew I wanted to be a mom. This was something Mike and I always agreed on, wanting to be parents.

The desire to explore being with women only grew with time and when I came out at the age of 28 I quickly dove deep into the queer culture scene in Seattle. The more I learned, the more I wanted to know. It wasn’t long before Mike and I had to start having conversations about the dynamics in our relationship. I was initially met with a lot of negative feelings that are common when monogamous couples first talk about opening up their marriage. I wanted to go to therapy, and Mike agreed that it was a good idea but always had a reason for why “now” wasn’t the right time. For years.

Overtime, Mike reluctantly agreed that I could kiss women. And then overtime, it was okay that I date women. But with each compromise, my desire for additional companionship grew and his depression and anger got worse. We dealt with what we would pass off as typical growing pains in a newly poly relationship but were actually structural parts of our relationship breaking apart.

Then, his mom died. Then, my cat. And then we were in the beginning of a pandemic that would eat away at my being for many months. My identity was completely lost without conventions, friends, gaming, karaoke, and queer parties. We had to be fulltime parents, while working from home fulltime, while both dealing with severe depression. I experienced my first breakup with a woman. And then a second, which Mike’s continued dishonesty contributed to.

Honesty was always my biggest boundary. This ties into how polyam I am to my core. Polyamory requires a deep level of honesty, trust, and communication that I have always craved in my relationships, but I that I’ve never truly been able to find in monogamous relationships. I could forgive anything but lies. Yet here I was, trying to forgive him but constantly being heartbroken by more dishonesty.

Next, my mom got sick. And then she died and a part of me was broken forever. And then our house flooded, and we had to live in a hotel and everything was under a pressure cooker all the time. And our marriage continued to fall into the same patterns, and I stopped believing that the nuclear family was best for my son. And then my dad died, and I just stopped caring about being the perfect partner.

So, I moved out. And here I am, living more independently than I have in my entire existence. And it is so hard. But I am mostly happy and getting moreso every week. I get so much 1:1 time with my son, and there is very little yelling in my house. I am able to focus on being a mom half of the week and on myself (including much needed self-reflection and selfcare) the other half of the week. It feels right. It feels free.

I am learning a lot about who I really am without fear of disappointing others in my life. For much of my life, I lived in a way to make my parents proud. As much as I miss them every day, it is nice to be able to let go of those expectations that I had put on myself wanting to make them happy. And I don’t have to make my husband happy anymore. I can focus on me and my son, and how to build a loving relationship the way that I want to. I can see my own identity clearer than ever before. And as I climb out of my cocoon and spread my rainbow wings, the horizon looks brighter than ever before.

#polyamory #polyamourus pride #separation #marital problems #grief #grief/mourning #parent death #parenting #single parenting #queer #mental health #pandemic

[tifarobles]

The End of 2020

One year ago today I remember having such hopes for the future. We were surrounded by our best of friends, laughing together and playing games. I really thought 2020 would be our year. Little did I know that 2020 would bring a series of storms so dark that I am forever changed. 

I have experienced more loss this year than I can even comprehend. I lost my loving mother-in-law, my sweet cat, and lastly my own mother, who was also my best friend. I lost my social life, including all of my favorite gaming conventions, my monthly queer board game meetups, karaoke, and every party that would have happened in and out of my house. 

I am still struggling to figure out who I am without my mom and her daily influence. Without her support and love in my life I often feel lost. As each day passes the reality is slowly setting in that she is really gone. I don’t yet know who I am without her presence. 

Thanks to the global pandemic, I am also struggling with my own identity after almost a year of isolation. Being a host is a crucial part of my identity and without events in my life I have often felt useless and alone. I miss my friends, I miss leaving my house to go on adventures, I miss hugs, and I miss dancing in a crowded room. I am an extreme extrovert and rely on the energy and engagement from others in order to thrive and be my best self. Without that energy, I experienced the deepest and longest bought of depression that I’ve ever had to swim through. Each day I do all I can to keep my head above water, but there are days I am unable to get out of bed. And I am slowly learning that it’s ok not to be ok.

I have to remind myself that not everything was bad this year. 

Xander is turning into the most amazing person and is more creative and loving each day. His sense of humor impresses us everyday and he is learning all about emotions and how to channel them properly. He potty-trained all on his own and has short hair now, as requested. He is very good at math, is learning to read, and is an excellent artist. He still loves games, music, Legos, and anything Disney related. 

Considering how hard this year was for me, it was a very productive and successful year for my career. I had some incredible opportunities at work. I took over the Editorial responsibilities for all Xbox Game Studios promotional content on the dashboard for both Xbox One and Series X|S. I hosted the Microsoft Pride Stream and was one of the hosts for the Xbox Series X|S launch event. I am also now the Newsletter Editor and Chief for Team Xbox LGBTQIA+. I am so blessed to be part of Team Xbox and was very lucky to have such a supportive team through all the rough patches. 

I have been in narrative therapy for most of this year which has been incredible for working on myself. My main struggles involve breaking down the high expectations I put on myself as a perfectionist overachiever. It’s impossible to aim for perfection in every area of my life, especially now that I am a mother, wife, and work fulltime. It’s obvious that I’ve hit a wall and can no longer do it all. It’s okay if the house is a mess, it’s okay if I need extra rest, and it’s okay to put side projects on hold while I heal from the pain of this year. At least that’s what I keep trying to tell myself... 

My chronic pain reached new heights this year since I was the least active I have been in my life. I am now in physical therapy and on new medication to help prevent migraines, which works most of the time but not always. My hope is that I can focus more on my physical body in the new year, do more yoga, and find a way to practice pole dancing again. 

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. I never imagined that I would have went through so much in one year. I assume it will take some time for me to regain the ability to stand tall, but in the meantime I thank you for your support, patience, and understanding during this time of healing and growing. 

I cannot wait until we are on the other side of this pandemic. Get ready for the squishiest of hugs from me once we are all vaccinated. Warning: I might not be able to let go. <3 

#new year reflection #2020 #mental health #grief #xbox

[tifarobles]

How Animal Crossing: New Horizons is getting me through a pandemic!

These times are not easy on any of us. Having mental health issues AND chronic pain during this makes it feel impossible. I’m an extreme extrovert that builds my life around social events and I generally channel my stress into planning social gatherings. Not having this as an option and watching multiple exciting life events get cancelled one by one while I am unable to see friends and family has been crushing. 

Thank glob that Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out when it did. The release coincided with Washington's shelter in place order. This is far from the first time that a virtual world has helped me through a difficult time in my life, but this might be the most I have ever needed this escape for my survival. 

For those who aren’t familiar, Animal Crossing is a social simulation and city building video game on Nintendo Switch. You complete tasks, gather resources, manage relationships, build and decorate your home and town, and all in real time. Each day brings a new day in the game. The world, animations, and atmosphere of Animal Crossing are so calming and adorable. It’s a great way to wind down after a long day of juggling work and a toddler. I can’t help but smile and laugh when I play the game. 

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a beautifully balanced game for the hardcore casual gamer. There is a large variety of creative outlets in the game, fun ways to socialize with real life friends, and adorable animal friends in game. I get excited for new furniture items and love learning how things can be customized to my tastes. The game gives me an additional purpose every day.

There is even a secondary market to purchase the cutest residents for your town! I just purchased a white tiger named Bianca, a deer named Fauna, and (saved the best for last!) a kitty cat named Olivia. The characters have different personalities based on a set of 8 types. You get rewarded for building friendships, which involves lots of chatting and gift exchanges. If you’re lucky, you might even get to a rock an awesome nickname that someone in your town gives you (mine are glitter and Vitamin T) or you can change up a character’s catchphrase to something silly. I have inserted “m’lady” and “Biotch!” as catchphrases. Biotch! has really caught on around town. It still cracks me up every time!

I feel connected to my residents and want to ensure they are enjoying life on this island I built for them. I get excited when I have items to donate to the museum and get to hear the fascinating facts that Blathers holds for each new fossil, bug, and fish that I find. Everyday I hope there will be a new stylish outfit for me at Abel Sisters. I cheer when Celeste or Label visit my town. I save items for resident birthdays, dress them in cute clothes, and decorate their doors and yards. I send gifts and notes to friends, my husband, and my mom. Right now, these social interactions (however real or artificial) mean something precious to me. I believe that the endorphins players have from watching K.K. Rider’s concert for the first time are just as real as experiencing a new song on the radio.

More than anything, I am in love with the freedom to create anything I want in game. From outfits, to furniture, to structural changes on the island, the world is in your hands. I’ve built a massive spa, a comfy cafe, a zen garden, and so much more. As I create this dream getaway destination, I am filled with joy that is much needed when reality feels so bleak. 

Maybe you think that relying on a game in an emotional way is silly or unhealthy, but games are a valid tool for coping as much as other art forms. They provide avenues of self-expression, encourage using your imagination, and allow folks to connect with people online in a myriad of ways. I don’t know where I’d be in my career or what sorts of personal relationships I would have without gaming being the driving force of my life. This time of uncertainty is not an exception to this rule. 

I would love to have you visit my town! Send me a request (friend code SW-0450-1507-8911) and let’s schedule a date <3

#mental health #animal crosing new horizons #video games #nintendo

[tifarobles]

2020 Life Update

NOTE: This is a cross post from my Kickstarter update, which can be found here. 

Hoping this update finds you and your family safe. This is a lengthy one and admittedly more of a life update than a project update, but I promise it's all related.

I apologize for the months of silence. And I am sorry that we have passed the date I expected to be finished, and that I am only half way through my (hopefully final) full-revision. This year feels like it just began, yet so much has happened. The year started off strong and hopeful. In January, I started blocking out time for writing, did some serious work on my outline, and was able to polish up some sections in the middle of the book, feeling confident that I would be passing the half way mark soon, and ready to charge to the finale. I had two writing retreats scheduled and was looking forward to the time to get away from daily responsibilities and focus on my characters and my story.

However, my beloved mother-in-law fell ill at the end of January. We dropped everything and flew to LA. Two weeks flew by. She passed away rather suddenly on February 12. This devastated our entire world. Mike was in LA, X was with my parents, and I was attempting my own solo retreat to write when I got the call. It's probably obvious, but not very much writing happened through all the tears over the following days and I had more important matters to focus my attention on.

In addition to the pain of losing a parent/in-law/grandmother, my cat was very sick when we returned from one of our many trips back and forth from California. The poor cat had to get a feeding tube for weeks. This added stress into our lives when we were already feeling overwhelmed with grief. My cat never fully recovered and passed in March, just as quarantining and required social distancing were starting to become reality.

My son hasn't been in daycare since the end of March. My husband and I are some how managing to work full-time jobs with a very energetic, clingy 3-year-old. I love him more than anything, but he makes any amount of productivity challenging since his favorite activity is climbing on my face. I am so tired. I so badly want a break, a break that might not come for months. I am trying each day to do my best. Trying to be a mom, a wife, a project manager, all while managing my own mental health, living with chronic pain, and lacking the social energy I crave.

Most days I just focus on getting through every hour. Ensuring everyone is fed, work is taken care of, and the house is clean enough to live in. Mike is a life saver and is handling this quarantine like a post apocalypse super dad. I don't know where I would be without him.

My novel keeps me company in the middle of the night. As I lay in bed trying to sleep and being unable to despite pure exhaustion, I think about my book and contemplate how to make it better. I jot down ways to strengthen moments for characters, write out scenes and note where to fit them in later, and occasionally update my outline. However, I do not have the brain power or motivation to sit and write for hours on end during a pandemic. Maybe that will change if something inspires me!

I'm submitting my first 10 chapters to editing! I've looked over them time and time again, yet I am having a hard time feeling like they are good enough to completely move forward. I think they are complete, but I'm hoping that another perspective and some feedback will help lunge me into the revision for the last half of the book.

I'm trying not to let this failure to ship on time drag me down just as we are all trying not to let this new normal drag us down. I have so much to be grateful for - a job I can do remotely, a supportive family, all of you, and more... but I think I've gone on long enough for one night.

Sending you all my love, thoughts of happiness, and hope for good health.  

Stay safe and feel free to reach out <3

#2020 #kickstarter #Novel #writing #mental health

[tifarobles]

2019: Year in Review

2019 was a huge year full of success for the Robles fam. It was also full of challenges for balancing time between self-care, work, family, friends, and hobbies but we are constantly working to find this right balance.

The beginning of the year was uplifting, but also financially scary. January through March was a window of Kickstarter stress with a rewarding finish for me and Mike went back to his old team at Xbox in February. I ended up back at Xbox in my first official marketing role soon after in April. Figuring out the adjustment to both of us working full time again with a 2-year-old was not an easy transition. Tbh I’m still struggling to have as much time for writing as I’d like. My book is much further behind then I’m comfortable with but my backers have been more than supportive whenever this comes up. I know people want a high quality book, even if it takes longer than expected. 

In June we were able to attend E3 together! As my first E3 it was a life changing experience. Being able to interview game devs and celebs on stage for Xbox was a dream come true. I felt like a movie star for games and it was surreal. The talented folks that I shared the stage with inspired me to be my best self and embrace the spotlight. 

In the summer I became a Core Team Lead for Team Xbox LGBTQIA, meaning that I get to support events and write content for the internal queer community at work. This year I also became a Co-Director for Queer Geek Seattle, helping with strategizing and planning for the future of the group on top of running monthly gaming events in Lynnwood. It’s been incredible becoming even more involved with the queer community and it feels amazing living my truth and making an impact. I feel so at home.

X moved into Preschool in the fall and is absolutely loving it. He’s a very social child with lots of friends and he loves his teachers. We couldn’t be more proud of the person he’s forming into. Each day he amazes us with his witty sense of humor and caring nature. 

In October Mike became the Lead for Xbox Reactive Social, which was a huge opportunity that has been going amazingly well so far. On top of a raise that I got during this same month, this helped with some of the financial setbacks we had from years of unexpected job instability since having X. I am beyond proud of Mike taking on this deserved role and look forward to the influence he has on this brand we both love so much. 

Honestly, I’ve had a decent amount of health issues this year that I am slowly finding treatment options and lifestyle changes for, but currently it just seems to make everything feel harder. I hate talking about health problems because it’s impossible to know how people will react. I suffer from severe delayed sleep phase syndrome, bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder, ulcerative colitis, chronic spinal pain, and migraines. Any one of these diseases can be debilitating and all of them played a substantial role in my year.  

One hobby I picked up which has helped with my overall mental health is Boudoir Dancing at a pole dancing studio. Being able to find my love of dance again has been so incredibly empowering and relieving. I hope to continue this rediscovered passion throughout 2020.

I want to thank all of my old friends for putting up with me and being by my side through one of the most amazing years of my life. And to all my new friends this year, you are amazing and I’m so happy to know you.

I think I’m skipping the “resolutions” this year to focus on personal growth in other ways and to continue working on the same things as last year that took an unexpected back seat. 

Here’s to another year full of self-discovery, growing in my career, and attempting to raise the most incredible human in the multiverse with my soul mate. 

#2019 #2020 #new year new me

[tifarobles]

Novel Writing Month! My personal NaNo.

First of all, I appreciate all of the love and support I received after my last novel progress update. 

Everyone was so understanding that life sometimes throws us more than we can handle and that my novel might take longer than expected because a full time job, motherhood, chronic health issues, and writing a novel is a lot. The numerous messages that came into my inbox full of love really made my anxiety level and fear of failure easier to deal with. Thank you <3 

All that being said, I just shared Chapter 4 with my backers! I am currently about 1/3 of the way done with my final revision before it gets sent to my editor. I have a very ambitious November goal to complete one chapter a day starting Sunday, Nov 10 through the rest of the month. If I can manage to tackle this ambitious schedule, I will have my manuscript ready for editing before the end of 2019! 

Wish me luck!

#nanowrimo #nano #writing #azullucent

[tifarobles]

Where to find me? PAX West 2019

Tomorrow will be Day 0 of my 11th PAX Prime West! 

This is the first time I am not working the event (or giving birth during the event) I think... ever!?

It feels very weird to not have a booth that I will be attached to, but instead I will be attached to my amazing 3-year-old for most of the convention. If you want to see me, here are some places I know I will be!

ON THESE PANELS:

Roll for a Sanity Check: Games and Mental Health 

SAT 08/31 1:30 PM - 2:30 PM

SANDWORM THEATRE

Panelists:  Dr. Barbara S. McCann, Ph.D., Robert Schuster, Liz Leo, Jimmy Chi 

The importance of mental health is finally seeing the light of day as the stigma of going to therapy improves. Games can provide an outlet for expressing mental health issues, either as a means of escapism or as a way of relating to others. Our set of panelists will discuss the importance of gaming for their mental health, the challenges of working in the industry with mental health issues, and the importance of finding a community in games.

Write-Life Balance

SAT 08/31 4:30 PM - 5:30 PM

SANDWORM THEATRE

Panelists:  Jessica Ross, Kristina Horner, Liz Leo, Raven Oak

Mixing a passion for games with a passion for creativity is no new concept, but it is still a challenging road to navigate. How can you find time to explore your personal passions while maintaining a career AND still find time for things like gaming with friends, dating, and taking care of family? These writers will discuss their struggles and coping mechanisms for maintaining balance in their careers, following their passion projects, and somehow cultivating sanity in the rest of their adult lives.

Geek Parents and Geek Babies

SUN 09/01 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

HIPPOGRIFF THEATRE

Panelists:  Mike Robles, Heidi McLouth Millerick, Wendy Vermeers, Robert Schuster

As the world becomes more geek friendly, geeks are raising their children in a world full of cosplay options, conventions, kid-friendly comic books, and more diverse cartoons than ever before. These parents will talk about what’s it like being geeks themselves, while raising geek babies. This includes finding the balance of supporting your kids’ chosen geekiness to accepting if they want to play sports instead of video games. From tears and tantrums to success stories, these parents have either seen it all or are about to face the world as geeks with their geeky babies.

The Couple That Games Together

SUN 09/01 12:30 PM - 1:30 PM

HIPPOGRIFF THEATRE

Panelists:  Mike Robles,  Kristina Horner (representing herself and Joe Homes), Alli Steele, Christine Steele

Join these nerdy couples as they talk about the trials and tribulations of being in a gaming couple. We’ll discuss the importance of communication, how to handle competition, and answer your questions about being a couple that games together.

AT THESE EVENTS:

PAX Countdown at PAX West! 

WHEN: Thursday, August 29 from 7pm-1am

WHERE: Neighbours Nightclub & Lounge

Hosted by: Gay Gaming Professionals

Pink Party 11

WHEN: Saturday, August 31 from 9pm-2am

WHERE: Neumos

Hosted by: Queer Geek and Queerspace Magazine

I’ll also be playing PAX BINGO! So hopefully when I see you I can complete a line :-) 

Hope to see you this weekend!

[tifarobles]

Juggling the Balance of Life

This blog post is long overdue. I started working full-time again in April after 9 months of freelance writing. I had to adjust my sleep schedule from staying up late writing every night to working a 9-5 again with a commute. The transition into balancing a new role, spending time with X, spending quality time with Mike, and maintaining my health (both physical and mental) was not easy. 

June was completely consumed by E3, Disneyland with family in L.A., Mike’s birthday, and Pride. E3 proved that my job is going incredibly well! The entire month leading up to E3 was full of long days prepping materials for the Xbox briefing. Then, at E3 I hosted 15 or more shows on the official Mixer channel interviewing game devs and publishers while promoting the next year of games coming to Xbox. It was an incredible experience leaning into my career in video games, but it was also exhausting and created the need for some chill time after we returned. 

I am finally in a really great place! However, if I’m being honest… I haven’t had time to sit and write in many weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my new outline and consuming media to inspire a few of the additions in my story, including playing through Final Fantasy XII, which has similar themes and a surprisingly parallel story arc to my book. But sitting at my desk and actually writing has been a seemingly overwhelming feat in the midst of keeping the rest of my life afloat. 

Good news: I have two weekends dedicated to writing coming up and have crafted some time in my nightly schedule to get back to it.

I apologize for the potential delay this may have caused with my novel progress, but I think this time of stabilizing myself and finding new perspectives to help influence the characters and story will result in an even more polished final product. 

What’s next? Chapter 4 is almost ready for your eyes and instead of having another set of peer-reviewers this time I would love to open up the feedback channel to my Kickstarter backers. When I post the next chapter I’d love to hear what you love, what you didn’t like as much, and what you want to see more of.

Thank you so much for supporting me through the unpredictable roller-coaster of life <3 

#writing #mental health #azullucent #kickstarter #video games #xbox #e3

[tifarobles]

The 2019 LUCI Award Experience

This year, I was honored to be invited as a judge for the LUCI Awards at Evergreen Tabletop Expo. Being a serious gamer, with over a decade of experience working in the industry (including doing some design and lots of playtesting), I brought all I had to the table.

This award celebrates innovation, fun, and great game design - all qualities that I hold high on my list of importance when playing or purchasing games. It was crucial to me that I gave every game a chance and tried each one with an open mind, ready to learn something new and have a good time.

I took my job very seriously, knowing that every designer put their heart and soul into this game and in front of me to judge. This was an incredible opportunity for them to show off their hard work to a convention of passionate gamers and I wanted to respect that to the fullest.

The Wonderful Judges: Joseph Chen, me, Chris Glein, Paul Peterson, Victoria Cana, Bebo, and Emma Larkins.

In the end, I worked with the other six inspirational judges to reach the decision for the winner and runner-up! The team consisted of personalities from the industry with a wide range of knowledge and experience, making the conversations deeply interesting and lively.

#1: Cabinet of Curiosities by David Iezzi

Photo Credit To Be Bold Games

Congrats to David for the amazing game Cabinet of Curiosities! I absolutely LOVED this game. I didn’t get to complete a full game, but I knew immediately that I wanted to play it over and over again. It was the only game at the event that I would have immediately purchased to take home with me.

In this innovative set collection game, players take turns bidding on a tile grid of items. Whoever bids the highest without passing wins the final tile that is bid on. The tile stays in play, but players continue to bid on items until the entire board is assigned. Then, players get to keep their tiles and a second round of bidding starts on a whole new board of tiles. After that round, players score their final points to see who won.

The multiple levels of strategic thought required in this game is refreshingly unique. With set collection traits inspired by Sushi Go, the bidding in this game adds interesting player interactions and leaves you wanting to plan ahead while deeply relying on what others will do. You must be adaptive and willing to use diplomacy to your advantage.

In addition to this, one of the most appealing features is that each player has a secret objective that helps them gain extra victory points. This helps aid players in what strategy to play, which is very beginner friendly and adds to the overall game-play experience.

This is already a fantastically designed game and I look forward to owning it once it is complete and available!

#2: Mandalaca by Rob Lewis

Photo Credit To Be Bold Games

The runner-up was a sophisticated and unique take on classic strategy games. Only two months into production, the potential for huge success is very high and I expect to see this popping up in game stores some day.

Inspired by games such as Mancala and Go, this two-player turned-based game requires an intense amount of deep thinking and planning. Players each take on the roll of black or white and compete to gain points in their favor in the four colored sections on the game-board. This game captures the elegance of classic games and the complexity of modern strategy.

The game was beautiful with an appealing tactile feel and players were always left wanting to play again and again. One of the best aspects about the game is that it will vary depending on who you play. There are a wide variety of strategic plays and each person has a different way of thinking that will change how the game flows.

This game is also very family friendly and could help teach young children basic game mechanics and strategic thinking.

The following games were semi-finalists and I wanted to give each one a shout out for what I liked about their games. I hope to see all of these games on shelves in the future. Keep up the great work!

Ascending Koi by Nathan Holt:

Photo Credit To Be Bold Games

This hex based tile placing game puts players in the role of different fish in an attempt to teach empathy. Each fish has unique traits associated with their personality types and abilities related to these traits. Fish swim around the board collecting different insects that will help to achieve their abilities. The art style is relaxing and adorable. I absolutely loved this game and was sad we didn’t get to play an entire game. Teaching empathy is such an important goal.

Rising Tides by Just Us Games: This game won an honorable mention from us judges!

Photo Credit To Be Bold Games

Rising Tides puts the serious crisis of global warming into a fun, educational experience. Using real water, the gameplay is unlike anything any of us judges had experienced before. As a cooperative game, players must work together to save the United States from being flooded. As the game plays, you face catastrophic events and must make choices about the cities to save. This game is perfect for classrooms and museums.

For All Mankind by Julia Drachman and Doug Beyers:

Photo credit by Playtest NW

This classic mix of space exploration and resource management adds in an interesting element of movement and measuring. The planets actually rotate each round to change the space between them. Not only that, but players must actually measure the distance between planets before traveling the cosmos. With lots of fun building options, new resources each turn, and the threat of nuking your opponents this game has a lot of potential. I can’t wait to see the final design.

Flapjack Flipout by Peter Newland:

Photo credit by Playtest NW

This fast-paced dexterity game was definitely the most fun for kids. Players compete to complete pancake orders faster that the other players while flipping them over with paddles. In addition to the challenging dexterity component, you also must remember what flavor of pancakes you cooked and where you set them on the table. This is a great party game to pass time at the beginning of the night or a fantastic game to play with the entire family at holiday gatherings.

Gem Cataclysm by Beau Johnson and Nicolette Butler: This game won the People’s Choice Award!

Photo Credit To Be Bold Games

Portraying a gem stock market, this Euro-style game has a lot of strategies for players to choose in order to make the most money selling gems. Not only can players effect the market prices or gamble for gems by rolling lots of dice, but they can harvest their own gems by building caverns and hiring dwarves to mine for them. I enjoy the different elements happening in the game and can see why it was an exciting choice for the convention attendees.

I hope you get to check out these awesome games in the future! There is something for everyone.

#playtestnw #board games #luciawards #etx

[tifarobles]

Post-Kickstarter Crash

Hi friends.

I am going to be blunt and honest. After my Kickstarter ended, I crashed hard. Emotionally and physically. Yes, it was successful and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the love and generosity of my community. I am relieved about that.

But it was also down to the last 6 hours before it was successful. Those were 30 very hard days after 7 months of prep. I allowed myself a couple week break and slept more than I have in... years? 

My mental health has been through so much in the last year. 

ICYMI - After being diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder in June, I quit my job in July. Pursuing my lifelong dream, I began what I thought was the final revision of my novel in August. By the first week of October, I’d sent the complete draft of roughly 75,000 words off to peer-reviewers. The feedback I received by early January was much rougher than I was expecting. I decided to do a complete rewrite. I knew it could be better. I knew I could be better. I spent most of February prepping my Kickstarter, launching on the 26th. Then it was 30 days of agony, constantly checking to see who was backing and at what level. I cried over support, I lost sleep over the projections, and I took a lot of long, hot baths. In the final week, I slept less than 8 hours over the course of 5 days. But I made it! My project was a success. My dreams are coming true. 

Maybe the hard part is over, or maybe it’s just beginning. I wanted to completely recuperate before jumping back into the rewrite. This week, I dived back in. Chapters 1-2 are complete (and available on my Kickstarter page - Chapter 1 for all, Chapter 2 for backers). Chapter 3 is in for the final peer-review and Chapter 4 will be there very soon. 

Full-disclosure: I start a full-time job at Xbox tomorrow. 

There are so many feelings about this. More than I can ever begin to describe or explain. More than I can process. 

I am thrilled to go back to Xbox. I had an amazing time working as a Producer there for 3 years and will be in a very similar role again, working with some of the same awesome people from before. 

I am also very sad that we cannot afford for me to continue being a full-time writer, but thanks to the generosity of my Kickstarter supporters I will still be a novelist. This chapter isn’t closing, it’s just changing. Luckily, as a member of the Simic Combine, I have always been very good at adapting. 

Now it’s time for discipline. Learning to write every night before bed when the rest of my family is sleeping. I can do this. I will do this. 

I will create the best story that I can. For my family. For you. For me.

<3 

#mental health #novel #feminism #fantasy #kickstarter #anxiety

[tifarobles]

The Explorers of Azullucent: Kickstarter Success!

I’m a couple of weeks late posting this announcement here, but the Kickstarter for my upcoming novel was successful! 

We had an amazing party featuring local artists, writers, and game designers. Plus, a raffle to show my appreciation for all of the support.

It was down to the wire and funded with only 6 hours left. We ended with roughly $1000 over what my funding goal was. I am so grateful for the generosity of my friends, family, and the amazing community that I am blessed to be a part of. 

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the support. I will do all I can to craft the best story that I can for my debut novel, dedicated to all the love that was given to me over those 30 stressful days. 

My plan is to finish the final revision this summer and I hope to have the eBook edited and ready before 2020. I also plan to have the physical copies in your hands in early 2020, just in time for the Seattle convention season.

You can follow my progress via my blog here on Tumblr. Feel free to reach out any time with questions or for updates. I’m happy to share every step of this journey. 

Thank you so much and I look forward to sharing this journey and my story with you!

#azullucent #kickstarter #novel #feminism #fantasy #young adult

[tifarobles]

white women are always like “more strong kickass female leads!” and when i say i want to see a black female love interest who is allowed to be girly and fall in love they give me weird looks and say that i’m supporting gender stereotypes and heteronormativity but what a lot of white women don’t get is that black women we’ve had hundreds of years of having our femininity ripped from us, of being deemed unworthy of male (especially non-black male) attention. black women in media are never allowed to be the “cute” ones or the love interest, we’ve always been the “strong kickass street smart woman” trope that white women want so badly. so basically if a black girl says she wants to see another black girl fulfill the role of “love interest” there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and it isn’t a hindrance to feminism

[tifarobles]

Azullucent’s Connection to Betrayal at House on the Hill

When the Widow’s Walk expansion for Betrayal at House on the Hill was in development, I was honored to be asked to create a new Haunt with Mike. Not only do I love the game and appreciate it’s deeply thematic feel, but getting to game design with my husband was very exciting. 

Soon into brainstorming ideas, I brought up how awesome it would be to immortalize one of the characters from my novel. When Mike agreed, the choice was obvious. My absolute favorite protagonist, Captain Sting, the swashbuckling pirate captain, was perfect to be a powerful villain in the world of Betrayal at House on the Hill. 

Spoilers for the Widow’s Walk expansion - Haunt #61 below:

It was important to me to catch the feel of Sting’s sea-loving nature, her obsession with treasure, and her ability to be brutally nefarious. 

I am thrilled for lovers of board games to get to experience this character in two different settings - in this haunt and explored far deeper in my novel The Explorers of Azullucent. You can actually meet Sting in the preview chapter linked on my Kickstarter page if you’d like to learn more. 

#azullucent #novel #kickstarter #boardgames #fantasy

[tifarobles]

After all of the sleepless nights, sweat, and tears, the Kickstarter for my novel is finally live!

Any support helps. Thank you! 

#azullucent #novel #fantasy #feminism #young adult

[tifarobles]

The Process Continues...

Recently I received my first round of peer-review feedback for my upcoming novel, Azullucent. 

First of all, I have updated the name of my novel to “The Explorers of Azullucent” 

This just sounds better when I say it out loud. 

I have to be honest. When I first received the feedback, I was crushed. This story that I spent years thinking about and working on (off and on) for 16 years was read by people for the first time since I was 17... and they didn’t, IMMEDIATELY love it? 

Of course not! And that’s okay. 

This was only the sixth rewrite I’ve ever attempted: the first draft being hand-written on lined paper between the ages of 14-15, the following draft being when I first typed it up at 16, and the third time was when I went through making heavy additions, finishing my novel up at 17. I did one rewrite in college and once when I first gave Mike my novel and he read it. This last summer was my first real attempt at a rewrite in six years! 

I was out of practice and returning to the world I loved with fresh eyes and a whole slew of new life experiences. I was as rusty as I feel when I try to remember how to blues dance with someone that isn’t Mike. It’s not that I don’t know how or am bad at it, I’m just not going to be flawless on my first try. 

For reference, most authors write ten or more rewrites before publishing a book. Hemmingway wrote “A Farewell to Arms” 39 times. I expect to hand my manuscript over for final copyright editing by draft 9. And I expect to finish during this calendar year. 

My friends were amazingly honest and provided incredible feedback that I totally agreed with, but there is still a lot of work to do. Most of my fears about the weak points of my novel were accurate, so at least I already knew what I needed to work on and have plenty of ideas ready to go. I feel more confident than ever in this story and believe that Kristina, Liz, and my mom are all helping me reach my true potential. 

I added a bunch of scenes to the outline for the next revision. I wrote out 5 pages of ideas for changes and completely rewrote the beginning of my novel, adding a brand new first chapter. I believe that the upcoming draft will address many (hopefully all) of the weaker traits in my writing and will strengthen the investment for the reader. The backgrounds that have been simmering in my head for all these years are coming onto the paper in ways that make sense and inspire me. I have never felt better or more excited for this story! And that is saying a lot after 16 years of feelings... 

I'm thrilled to show my characters what I have in store for them and the developmental depth it will provide for your enjoyment. 

#azullucent #writing

[tifarobles]

How to Love a Villain

No, this isn’t a post about Mike. Although I am sure he will be the most excited to read this one.

I am not generally a fan of villains. This includes pretty much any Disney villain from my childhood as well as most villains in TV shows and movies I enjoy. Sure, I can appreciate when an “evil” character is well developed or a villain’s arc is interesting, but usually, it’s my least favorite part of a story. 

However, some villains I love to hate. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because in the past few years I have actually found a few villains interesting enough to crave more of them. I found that they all share some of the same traits.

I’m going to be exploring these intriguing traits that I view as important in order to create a good villain that consumers will care about. From here, I will be writing separate posts for 5 of my favorite villains and how they encompass these traits. 

The Traits:

1) Relatable Character

This is easily the most crucial for me. It’s hard to care about a character that I can’t relate to. Being able to relate to someone is essential for me to feel empathy, the primary emotion that I want stimulated when I consume media. There are many ways to make a character relatable, but really this boils down to a character that is believably human, someone that has realistic strengths and weaknesses, shows emotion, and displays flaws that exist in the real world. Often, this relation is supported by a complicated past, another trait that I enjoy in a villain. Bonus points for characters that obviously suffer from mental illnesses. 

2) Capable of Deeply Evil Actions

Sorry to state the obvious, but this is a very important feature of villainy because villains are intended to be, well, bad. Villains must evoke a sense of hate and fear. The audience needs to root against the villain in some way, at least if the heroes are doing their part equally well. If a character displays the ability to act on very evil impulses, this creates the question of how far are they willing to go. This increases the intense possibilities of what the villain is capable of, leaving imaginations free to run wild, and keeping us interested in what they could do next. The eviler, the better, because this provides a sense that anything is possible. To increase the level of loathing aimed at a villain, show these evil acts against characters the audience deeply cares for. The stronger the investment in the situation, the more it matters. 

3) Proven to be Intelligent 

In order for someone to be truly scary, they must be competent. Being bad isn’t enough by itself in order to plot out, strategize, and carry out evil actions. A good villain must know how to wait for the right timing, how to manipulate others into helping them and be smart enough to plan many steps ahead. If a villain is shown to be talented in many areas, their threat level is increased. I am more afraid of a clever enemy than an enemy that only has pure strength to work with. You never know for sure what a smart person is thinking, especially if they already think in complicated, twisted ways. That’s a deadly combination. 

4) Inherently Good Intentions

I believe that nobody is truly all good or all evil. Everyone is flawed, everyone makes mistakes. Few things are better for a villain’s story arc than realizing that all their terrible acts were intended for an honorable reason. This not only adds to the relatable factor but shows a different side of the character, one that gives the consumer hope that they can change with guidance, which leads me to my last trait...

5) Always Keeps You Guessing

From a plot perspective, I feel like this is the most important trait. The longer a story is, the more important this quality is. For example, in a TV show, seeing the same villain follow the same arc over and over again can get dull very fast. Instead, if that character carefully rides the edge of right and wrong it creates an interesting desire in the audience to see the potential of this character working on the heroes’ side. However, a real villain will never fully give up their old habits. This usually comes to light in surprising reveals of betrayal. I feel like this is one of the hardest traits to continually get right and is largely why I enjoy shows with less than six seasons. You can only pull this off so many times and keep it unpredictable. 

The Characters I’ll Explore:

- Serena Joy (The Handmaid’s Tale): Oh, Serena Joy. I think she is my favorite villain of all time. Her story is captivating in two ways, I feel sorry for her almost as much as I despise her. The conflicting emotions that her arc evokes keep me yearning for more of her background and I can’t wait to see what she has in store. 

- Regina (Once Upon a Time): I would love to carry the confidence that Regina does when she walks into a room. While I didn’t like her at first and felt she was a very cookie cutter version of the evil queen, her arc through the six seasons proves differently. 

- Ben Linus (Lost): I can’t even see his face without scowling. This character is so slimy and manipulative that I never want to believe him, but there are many times in the show when believing him is better than the alternative. Lost did a great job of always keeping Ben as an obviously important figure in the storyline, so I never really wanted him to die, but I also questioned why they didn’t kill him whenever they had a chance. 

- Joe Carroll (The Following): The MOST charming sociopath. If anyone is capable of creating a cult based on the joy of killing, it’s this guy. He is terrifying but it’s impossible not to be intrigued by his actions. He knows how to manipulate with emotion like an empath, but remains deeply apathetic. 

- Thanos (Marvel Cinematic Universe): Thanos is incredibly intelligent but has no idea how insane he is. This creates an interesting paradox between reality and the world that Thanos believes exists. Nothing is more terrifying than someone this out of touch with reality have complete control over the universe, and Thanos is brilliant enough to accomplish just that. 

I am very excited to explore these characters further in the coming weeks! 

[tifarobles]

Goals for 2019!

Happy New Year! Before I dive into the list of my resolutions for the year, I’d like to take a moment to do some reflecting. I’m not where I expected to be in 2019. As scary as that feels, I am so excited for the possibilities that the new year has for me and peer hopefully into where I will be in 2020. 

2018 was full of lots of unexpected changes. Some intentional and many not. Due to where we are and what we have planned, 2019 is bound to be another year with lots of transitions.  

2019 could be a really difficult year for us. We aren’t starting from a great place, both essentially jobless, limping into the year both as freelancers. That being said, this will likely be one of the most memorable years of my life. I am launching a Kickstarter in less than 2 months from now. That is happening and decides the fate of my novel, how and when it will get published, and if I can afford to do more with it like attend conventions with my own booth, etc. This is a big leap of faith for me, but I’m thrilled to jump into the unknown this time.

I’m tenacious. I haven’t always had the easiest path in life. I grew up in poverty in a town where I didn’t belong. I’ve had my fair share of health issues. But I’ve always managed to make the best out of what I have. So far, I have approached life attempting to always be grateful and appreciative for what I do have. This isn’t always easy and I don’t always succeed, but when I do, I realize that my life is amazing. I embrace how blessed I am to have so many loved ones and incredible people in my life who truly care about me and push me to be my best self. I know that with my family and friends by my side, I can get through anything. No matter what happens, I have a wonderful partner and the most perfect child. 

With all that being said, I do have some ambitious goals for the year, including a couple that I didn’t get to last year.

2018 Goals: Here is a quick review of the goals I had for 2018 and where I currently am on meeting them:

1) Final revisions to my novel and finally getting it self-published. 

I didn’t expect to quit my job to do this, but I totally did. It isn’t published yet, but it should be by 2020.

2) Cook more and learn to cook some cool things.

Thanks to Imperfect Produce, this definitely happened! A LOT!  

3) Officially make The Lady Planeswalkers Society a non-profit organization.

This took a rather unexpected turn of events and I have now resigned as the organizer for the group to focus on other areas of myself and my career goals. 

4) Audition for at least one singing competition.

Didn’t get around to this last year, I intend to follow through this year. 

5) Learn to cut a steak (and bread) with a knife without feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think I achieved this? Progress was made at the very least. 

6) Clear out and set up our garage. 

This is embarrassing. I don’t know that we even spent one day on the garage in 2018... we intend to fix that, and soon. 

2019 Goals! 

1) Publish my novel, Azullucent!

Sorry to restate the obvious, but this is my number 1 goal of the year. Kickstarter failure or not, I plan to find a way. It will just be a lot easier and more successful if I can get some funding help.  

2) Write 1-3 Blog Posts per Week

I really want this to say 2 blog posts per week, but being realistic I want to at least make sure that I don’t miss a week. I also have no idea if or when I might start working fulltime again. Writing a blog post every day in November taught me a lot (something I intend to write about soon) and helped prepare me to blog more regularly. 

3) Read More Books

This is a complicated goal for me, and one I’m a little ashamed of given how few books I have read since college. As a writer, I believe it is crucial that I read to become better. However, I have dyslexia and reading can be quite challenging. I am a very slow reader and often have to reread paragraphs multiple times to understand them. I like reading, but it isn’t something that I often do for fun or to relax, simply because it’s hard to find a book that feels relaxing and fun to read. I have a huge backlog of books that are on my to do list and I hope to make a significant dent in them this year. My hope is to read at least 1 book per month. This might sound like a small number, but I am intimidated by the concept so I want to start small and allow myself room to grow. 

4) Rerun: Audition for at least one singing competition.

5) Rerun: Clear out and set up our garage. 

General Goals:

In a more general view of what I want for the new year, I hope to continue budgeting time for all of the things I view as important. This includes self-care, finances, and relationships. 2018 was filled with figuring out how to budget my time for my own mental health and I am very impressed with how far I’ve come.

Of course, I want to continue spending quality time with my son and my husband, but I also want to continue to find time for myself and time out with friends. My family is always my number one priority, so that isn’t really related to 2019 goals specifically. I hope to continue seeing my parents regularly, keep teaching Xander about his family, and maintain monthly date nights with Mike. 

Getting in touch with myself in 2018, I found more than ever that my extrovert nature requires socializing to feel fulfilled. There was a big shift in this realization when I stopped working in an office beside other people 40+ hours per week. I was surprised to find that I actually love time to myself, a very new feeling, and carve out time for me almost every night. On top of that, I’ve been getting out with friends on my own more often after Xander’s bedtime and find that this has been huge for my self-esteem and identity. I’m very lucky to have a strong network of empowering women to hang out with. For this, I guess I want more of the same and I hope that if I end up working a fulltime job that I can continue to fill all these buckets to a happy level. 

Lastly, I hope to keep the house clean more often than not (something that also improved when I started freelancing).  

If you are interested in my gaming goals for the year, you can read about that tomorrow on tabletop-test.com! 

I really hope that 2019 is a kind year to my family. The last couple of years have been rough and we could use some brightness. 

I’d love to hear your goals for the year! I hope 2019 is good for you as well. 

#new years resolution #new year reflection #novel #azullucent