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But at the end of the day I’m always left asking what did I do. What did I do, I don’t understand. Tell me. I’ll change it. I’m sorry for doing it, I didn’t mean it. What did I do? Please just tell me, what did I do.

— they always leave me without a warning

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I am not capable of healing. Every single thing that has hurt me and caused me pain or broken me in some profound way has distorted into this wound that bleeds at the slightest touch

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I never relate to the being loved part of the songs. But I relate so fucking hard to the part where they talk about loving someone

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I’m drunk on the idea that death only death can save me

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God knows I didn’t want to live before but now that I’ve tasted death, I can’t fathom not killing myself

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I have lost everything I’ve even remotely loved. Every single thing. It’s like life is playing this sick game where it waits for me to love something and then snatches it from me in the cruelest of the ways. Maybe the only way I’ll die is if I love myself because the universe can’t let me have anything I love

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Whenever I’m breaking and hurting beyond my daily tolerance level or when I get majorly triggered I go down the most self destructive path that there is. And everyone keeps asking me what will you achieve out of this, you’re just hurting yourself you know that right all that etc etc. But that’s the point, I wanna hurt myself. I NEED to hurt myself, I have to do it. There’s no other choice. You see nothing offers me solace. There are no words of comfort, no song, there’s nothing for me to write. When a person reaches this stage of pain and hurt, they hurt themselves. Because the pain of hurting yourself takes away your mind from the actual thing that’s breaking you. And there’s always the sickening satisfaction that YOU are in control. YOU are causing the hurt. There’s something very comforting about it. And lastly because I deserve it.

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There I was again, falling, falling so hard and not even realizing it. And there you were, realizing that you didn’t want me. Oh how it hurts to be back on the floor struggling to breathe. That sinking feeling in my chest, bloodshot eyes, the panic attacks, the self hatred. The never ending reminder of just not being good enough for anyone. How did I let myself believe it would be any different this time ?

I’m not made to be loved.

#break up #bpd #unloveable #heartache #hearbreak #yearning #pain #my post #not good enough #hard to love #depression #lonely #alone #unrequited #unrequited feelings #unrequited love

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There are a lot of things that hurt and, tonight breathing is one of them.

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if you love me, henry, you don't love me in a way i understand Mirages, Anais Nin // First Love/Late Spring, Mitski // Stranger Things (2016) // Hannibal(2013) // Little Women (2019) // Two Week Notice, Leanna Firestone // Fleabag (2016) // On My Own, Les Miserables // Wishbone, Richard Siken

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feeling pretty doomed by the narrative rn.

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and you know damn well, for you i would ruin myself, a million little times🍂

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