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falling
I fall today, in weirdly slow motion. I’m juggling a huge mum destined for my front stoop. I have a garden, a real one, unlike P, who, when arrested for drugs, tells the police that’s she out at 3am—in the neighborhood of a “known drug dealer”— to get advice on her garden.
I feel embarrassed—ugh, so clumsy. No one stops to help, despite the fall being directly outside a big box store. I sit in…
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clothes
a paradox is clothing. Necessary. Utilitarian. Scintillating. Sexy. Matronly.
I wanted, from a young age, to be well dressed. My Mother, flush with a cashed check, would buy me ridiculous, expensive items and then, predictably, have no money left for necessities.
In college, after I’d met E, I used student loan money to go on a shopping spree. I had expensive taste and the money didn’t stretch…
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surgery
The first time I had surgery was weeks after I found out about the nurse. I’d been nervous, skittish. E had made cutting remarks about my body, slim hips, flat chest.
He brought up the nurse, so many times. Or Pamela Anderson—the bay watch beauty with her big bust. E enquired, at the world famous clinic where he was interning, how much a boob job would cost—would I get a discount since he worked…
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the plate
Shortly after our second son is born, my in-laws pay us a visit in Arizona. This is their first and last summertime foray into the Phoenix blast-furnace.
A photo is taken of my son in the arms of my mother-in-law. She holds him uncomfortably, awkwardly. You’d never know this was a mother of 6, a grandmother of 11, a great-grandmother of 1.
It’s my birthday. We’ve ordered food in from a…
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signed
I sign the divorce papers in a bank, across the country from E. The notary is kind. It’s a coincidence that I’m signing on the 36th anniversary of the day we met. The hooker is 36.
I’ve known him as long as she’s been alive, spent my entire adult life with him. Every milestone in our lives are intertwined: my high school graduation, our college graduations, his med school graduation, his…
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wedding
Two weeks before our December wedding, E’s brother R married his new girlfriend. They’d been dating, at most, 6 months but the family was not aware of her until he announced their upcoming wedding. My in-laws are thrilled. Many dinners, at their home and at expensive steakhouses, are held to celebrate their new daughter-in-law to be. E and I are not invited; in fact we don’t meet her until their…
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holiday inn express
Each day, on his way home from work, E calls his mother. Superficial conversations, short. We have a Midwest Christmas visit planned and will be at her house within a week.
Their conversation, as he drove, centered around his brother, H. He’d been in California—his happy place. He always drove, never flew. He was driving back to my mother-in-law’s home and was expected the next day.
It was H’s…
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Piss
I contact a lawyer the day after I find out about the hooker, the booze, her drugs. She charges me $500–ironically the fee charged by the prostitute, a high school dropout.
The lawyer advises waiting 3-6 months. We’ve been married so long.
The summer months are excruciating. Covid has locked down most everything but the casino is open. I see the texts, sent at 4am, “Where r u?” The cash…
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the coronation
My boss is president of the American Medical Association. He’s a serious, curt man. Not often in the office, as he travels all over, giving speeches, attending conferences. He’s married—well maybe married. His wife is an avid tennis player. She will breeze into the office occasionally, in her tennis skirt and smelling faintly of Issey Miyake perfume. The office women would whisper, ”They are…
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paris
We’d lived in New Orleans for 3 years, one more year to go before E’s residency was finished. I wanted to travel, see the world. A suggestion: a celebratory trip to London and Paris, a whole year to save. No dining out, no Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s, Anniversary gifts. No clothing. All extra cash pushed into a travel account.
His parents surprised us with airplane tickets, freeing up money…
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iv
The headaches and vomiting started before I had the many positive pregnancy tests. I can’t keep down any food or drinks. I’m dizzy, my mouth is cottony dry.
On the third day of puking up the saltines I’ve force down with Sprite, E arrives home from the hospital with bags of saline, an IV. My arm hangs off the bed as he’s set up fluids—the ER is expensive and hospitals are full of germs.
It…
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peddling
The cruise in the Mediterranean is a lot of work. W is trying so hard to be a “good boy.” He knows he can’t go to the arcade—E is the only one who can game, push the button on the slot machine. H spends his ship time playing basketball, so determined to be an athlete. E has never been to one of H’s basketball games, “too boring.”
We are spending the day in Rome. I can’t wait. It’s a long bus…
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vacation brief
We are on a cruise—time with our children, a rapidly diminishing time of family life, a time to cherish the togetherness before our boys are grown.
E isn’t happy about this trip. It’s to Mexico, Belize, Honduras. “Shithole countries.” He has no love of beaches, or sightseeing.
Our room connects to our sons’ room. We’ve docked at a private island in Belize. I awake to a beautiful scene, and of…
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arrest video
I find her adult police record quickly, three different drug arrests—two in Arizona, one in California. E is shocked. He’d researched her divorce, never finalized a decade after filing. But he fails to look for arrests. There may be more but I’ve tired of looking.
He knows she has two living children, young sons she abandons for “me time.” E doesn’t know if her children have the same…
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chest tube
It’s December, the final school day before Christmas break. The boys are in kindergarten and 2nd grade at our neighborhood school. I’ve attended the class parties—involved stay-at-home mom. H looks pale and lethargic; I find out later he’d passed out in the classroom during a morning class play. No one mentions this to me until weeks have gone by.
H has a play date after school. When I pick him…
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The bead
It was an extravagant invitation—a casino themed fundraiser, to raise money for the preschool our older son attends. It has a cord, with beads hanging, swinging, catching your eye.
E is working late. He hasn’t called but he is so busy. I’ve cooked dinner, held off eating myself as I load the dishwasher alone.
The boys are bathed and dressed in their matching pajamas. Always clean, fed. The toys…
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casino again
In the days, weeks after I found out about the prostitute, E was advised by our marriage counselor to avoid Talking Stick casino. He’d met the prostitute there—$500 offer to have sex in the bathroom.
He’d return from his early morning ventures, Walmart, the grocery store, smelling of booze and a sickly sweet perfume. “It’s rogaine.”
I repeat this scene over and over. E doesn’t like it that his…
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