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but yeah the scariest part was realizing that im only 2 lbs above my lw but im still not happy w my body... like it motivated me to keep losing but i also know now that im entering risky territory, bc im getting rlly close to underweight territory. the difference b/w my lw and being underweight is 5 lbs... if i lost 7 lbs from now id be underweight which i have literally never been in my life (always overweight/obese until i developed my restrictive ed when i was 14, i finally reached a normal weight and have fluctuated wildly between the lower end of overweight and middle range of normal weight.....)

i would love to be underweight to validate my problems but i also dont want these problems and dont want to concern anyone bc everyone else has so much happening and i simply do not have the time or money for treatment for this. yes we have a counseling place on campus but the only regular help i can get for an ed is not long-term/intensive help but short term from a dietician or i can attend a weekly ed recovery group, neither of which i have time for. i dont have the time OR money for full treatment, either. ugh. i wish i could have had all my mental health issues addressed when i was in middle school. like i had binge ed then and also purged sometimes, wish we could have smashed that bug early

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anyways im trying not to go too hard on restriction bc i need to hide it well. im also trying not to talk abt food too much bc i dont want to concern anyone rn. i just wanna get a little daintier and maybe have some abs and then ill stop. unfortunately i thought id be happy at this weight, when i was healthy. but now i wanna get to 112 (underweight), but i dont even know if that will be low enough.

i also fear losing my ass while doing this bc thats one of my bf’s favorite things. i feel like maintaining my ass will also make my ed seem less obvious and ill also still look hot and not skinny fat. i just wish i could lose these massive thigh muscles, ew theyre not dainty at all

also im scared bc i have to see the sleep dr in like a momth and a half and if im underweight by then he may want to switch my meds and say im losing too much weight .. i need these meds to function and i dont want to risk insurance not covering a different med, which may not even work as well for me or may increase my appetite.. i just wanna be pretty goddamnit

this would be so much easier if i just loved meat and vegetables like my bf but i just love sweets and cheese .. :( i just wanna be healthy and live a long and normal life i really am scared of damaging my health and i know that if i restrict likei want to i will hurt myself and then also hurt my bf and other ppl bc i will be lessening my time on this earth.. death is one of my biggest fears too but also i know that i dont want to do this forever. i dont want my ribs to be showing, i want to look toned.. and also with my restriction its kinda like omad but somedays the meal is 700 cal and others it is 2100 cal and i feel like they balance out?

also the headaches and nausea from fasting are so awful. how was i immune to the nausea the first time around??? also car trips while fasting are the worst bc i get sooo car sick. ugh. ive jusg been looking at ed stuff for the past 5 hrs instead of doing hw why am i like this

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no matter how many times i go to recover i seem to come back. im so tired. i wanna live a happy life with my boyfriend forever and save lives i dont want to ruin my health with this but i want to be pretty i want to be thin and dainty

i have not been this low of a weight since like august 2015. since right before sophomore yr of high school started. n now its sophomore year of college!! im finally under 120 . ofc i binged super bad last night so i didnt weigh myself today, bc it would probably tell me 123.

my journey:

began in 2015. sw: 144 in march, got triggered seeing my best friend/crush at the time lose weight from starving himself, not intentionally but bc he was afraid of vomiting (food aversion, basically). lw: 117 in july, stopped weighing after that. began marching band and was 132 in november when they weighed us, was rlly triggered. kept exercising throughout the year tho and stayed vegetarian for most of it. summer of 2016 i had a mini relapse, began at 128ish and lost to about 124 in 2 weeks, then stopped. binged all through junior year, had bad thoghts often but never stuck to my relapses. looked so fat in my senior photos. by the end of marching sxn senior yr i was my highest weight ever, 155. it was disgusting and none of my clothes from sophomore year fit anymore. i vowed to lose weight healthily after marching season. i went tothe gym regularly and tried to eat b/w 1200-1800 cal a day. i binged a lot but not as often. i still watched all the weightloss shows and browsed the weightloss tags but didnt let my restriction get too high. my fitness got a lot better and i was running regularly, and my clothes were beginnig to fit better in 2018. i was stuck at 140-138 for about a year, partially bc i was gaining muscle but also my diet was not super balanced. i went vegetarian at some point during this time. having a lot of “diet foods” wasnt satisfying me as much as eating more real foods. i got to college and went vegan hoping it would help and maybe that there not being a lot of vegan options meant i could eat a lot less. unfortunately there was a lot of vegan stuff but it was all super high carb. i became vitamin deficient and saw a dietician who told me to go back to eating eggs and dairy at the least (i also saw her bc my bf and i recognized that i was really starting to struggle w food again and it was scary). i cried eating an egg bc all nonvegan foods had become fear foods. tbh tho all that high carb made me fluffy as fuck. changing my carbs never helped my sleepiness and i figured i had adhd or something. part of my binging problem is that food was one of the few things that could keep me awake. winter break, i lost about 5 lbs i think? was hovering around 134ish. it was nice. and then i returned to school for the spring, and dont really remember what happened food wise until i went to the sleep dr finally and he gave me stimulants to keep me awake. i didnt tell him abt my history of ed, partially bc its a reason not to prescribe me the meds i desperately needed to stay awake in order to do well in school, but also bc my mom was in the room and she doesnt know. not only was i doing so much better in my classes but eating normal portions and not binging was so much easier, bc i didnt feel like i needed food to keep me awake all the time. at that dr visit i think i was 138. about a month later i was 134 or 132 i forgot. maybe even 130 or 129. at college the only scale i had was in the gym which im not sure was super accurate. i did notice i was finally starting to lose weight tho and it was so nice. at the end of the semester i did a research paper on eds and a well known yter with one and it triggered me a lot. this in addition to the stress and the help of the medication to suppress my appetite, i went into another full relapse and spent all my time looking at ed tags on tumblr. idk how i got through finals. i remember getting so excited to be at 127 and 124 and even 122. i looked better than ever, even tho i wasnt at my lw. i would skip meals all day and then go to the dining hall at night and binge on one huuge 1200-1500 cal meal, then go to bed. i got home and my dog died, so i stress ate a lot and also i wasnt walking everywhere anymore and the gym was a pain in the butt to drive to (and not free), so i stopped exercising as much. also being home all the time with all that food n nothing to do made avoiding eating so hard. i went up to 125-126ish. august i began a binge/restrict cycle trying to lose weight again. i was doing rlly well living in my own apt and eating normally and maintaining... now were here.

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s: 139 l: 117 c: 138 1: 135 2: 128 3: 124 4: 120 5: 117 6: 113 7: 108 u: 105

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need an ana buddy. like this post if interested, prefer someone around these stats: 16-17 y/o, 5'4 or 5'5, cw: 128-135 (bc these are mine and i'd like to have someone at a similar place) also being gay/bi/pan etc is a huge plus bc i'm pan too and would like someone to relate to in this way as well. i'll message you if i'd like to be ya buddy

#ana buddy #anorexia #meanspo #ana #thinspo

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made the nightmare a reality. hate myself

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hasn't even been 3 weeks and i'm already having nightmares about binging

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ok yea i can keep track of this here i guess. c: 130 s: 138 1: 135 x 2: 130 3: 125 4: 120 5: 116 6: 112 7: 108 8: 104 9: 101 u: 99

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why am i so fat

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let’s do this again. finally get back s:140 x 1:135 x 2:130 x 3:127 x 4:125 5:122 6:119 7:115 8:112 9:110 10:107 g:104