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a-bruised-display · 2 years
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I'm going to preface this by stating that I am nonbinary, and I do firmly place myself under the transgender umbrella. I use they/them pronouns and I refuse to be anything other than proud of who I am. This will always be difficult, though, as no one around me ever seems to respect who I am. I started college just a few weeks ago, and the struggle and pain to even begin is nothing less of disheartening. I've always struggled with money, my family could be described as 'in poverty' with ease. And after I came out to them? Any support I might have had, even just rides to and from the college, vanished like thin smoke. They do not care about me, perhaps they even detest me. Any given opporutinty to disrespect me and they will, any chance to bad-talk anyone transgender and they will. They use my deadname constantly, assigning me pronouns that physically pain me to hear. I thought college would be different, you know? I thought I could find like-minded people, maybe even solace. I've found nothing, though. Just mountains of debt and smug professors who bear down on me. I wear a simple wristband displaying the pride colours, because this is who I am and I refuse to be ashasmed, but I can feel the stares. The weight of disapproval and the student-body glaring at me. I had the courage to ask just one of my professors about using my chosen name and pronouns-- I was rebuked. My name is Tori. Tell me why that is so difficult? So unttainable? I refuse to be ashamed, this is who I am and I will not back down-- but I feel the pain everyday. I am the outcast and the other, the thing to sneer at. You would think you'd get used to it, after a time, but each jab still feels like a dagger straight through the chest.
I struggle with finding a job, and believe me I've tried. I live in a fairly urban area and I submit 5-10 job applications on a weekly basis. I've applied to everything I can possible think of and is offered, but nothing ever gets back to me. Or if it does it always accompanies the "We don't feel you're right for this position." To be honest, I'm not sure what the 'right' fit is for a janitor, but it leaves me disheartened nontheless. I struggle with trying to move out of my family home, I'm much too pained by the dismissal and disrespect over my idenity. But wouldn't you know? I was denied for that too. I can't share a room with any dormmates because of my idenity, and single room dorms are far too expensive. I'm already in enough debt and drowning under the weight of it. Perhaps I am too maudlin, because there is hope. I have a single friend who I stake my life upon. She actually uses my name, you know? Tries my pronouns quite often. She forgets sometimes and messes up on others, but she tries and I am forever grateful for it. In a few years, once we progess farther in college and amass even more debt I can never pay off, we plan to move in together. Some crappy, cheap apartment somewhere while we figure things out and work towards our goals. I want to be a teacher. Isn't that funny? But it's true, I want to be a teacher. My life was shaped by my teachers growing up, for good or for ill. And while I had some lovely teachers that encourges and helped me-- I had just as many who were downright horrible. I seek to levy that balance, help the students I can and try to find my own happiness in the meantime. If I can help just one student like how my favoured teachers helped me-- saving my life with ink and prose, then I would consider my life a life well-lived. I don't want to stop there, though. I want to help all the students I can, teach them and help them grow. And one day? One day I want to be happy, living under my own name and in my own body. Hopefully with less debt while I'm at it.
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