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a-poets-nightmares · 4 months

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If Only I Could

If only I could starve myself the way my mother does Depriving me of food, affection, and patience Making me feel more hollow then I actually look If only I could be that hollow I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago It's been 3 months since my last visit 4 weeks since my mother had lost the money to buy food 3 weeks since I had started basically starving myself I walk in and see the scale immediately All I can think and wonder if if I'm to heavy for such a small thing Nonetheless the nurse tells me to get on the scale anyway If only I could have disappeared that moment Because I felt lifeless waiting to see those numbers Expecting what id recently seen Until it reads 295 lbs 15 pounds in 3 weeks Id dropped 15 pounds in 3 weeks I was ecstatic, proud even Even though I knew the means I used to get there Those 3 weeks were easy enough When you don't have food And no other options Not eating is so easy So easy in fact that I didn't feel it after awhile The pain of starving delved into a dull ache So bearable that I barely drank water too I was proud But my mother got food It took a month but she scrounged the money to add to what little food we had Now I'm eating again And the guilt is dripping off me with every bite I'm consuming like I'm a void No matter how full I feel, how full I look My gullet is stuffed more and more If only I could stop That gratification from starving And the guilt from eating A swirling void in my head that felt endless either way I wish I could stop eating If only I could starve myself like my mother does Skipping meals, drinking barely water and mostly teas Running nonstop through the day, chewing gum in replacement My mother's lost over 100 pounds in the past year She is basically starved Going from a little under 300 to 190 I wish I could use her example But I keep stuffing my face Like I've been in a desert for weeks I miss starving even if it was never enough It was always 'I wish I could eat a little less" I wish I couldn't eat I wish my reflexes would shut down and my mouth would be sown shut I wish I lost a little more weight If only I could grant wishes If only I could starve myself like I used too If only I could stop Stop consuming God If only I could

( I don't think people like to talk about people who physically can't control themselves around food, who eat and eat and wish they couldn't. I wish people would talk about it more. Also hey everyone I've been gone for awhile but I'm still kicking.)

#sad but true #long post #cruel parents #prose #poetry #poem #poetsandwriters #writing #poetic #bulimima #muscle dysmorphia #tw disordered eating #tw eating issues #disordered eating mention #mental illness

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a-poets-nightmares · 11 months

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WHY CANT I LOVE MEN LIKE HOW MEN LOVE MEN AHHHHHHHH.......

This is more of a rant but like OMFG I just want to love men.As a pansexual trans man I want to love a person but I want to love a man in the man way. As someone who wasn't born a man it feels like I can't love a guy in the way two men in a relationship do.

I feel there's a wall between where I want to be and who I am and it's made of titanium or something because I can't change it, move it, or get over it.

BUT AT THE SAME GOT DAMN TIME......

im like " FUCK MEN " " ew guys " " I can't stand myself "

" woman ❤️ "

It's ridiculous really that I know I'm a man but all the men in my life have torn me apart, defiled me, and left me broken.

I wish I could just like woman. But I inevitably like guys as well. WHY ARE THEY BOTH SO PRETTY.... WHY ARE PEOPLE FUCKING PRETTY GOD DAMN.

I just want to love men in the men way.

I don't want to be a damsel to someone. I want masculinity and to be handsome, to feel at home in my skin

To love a guy in the way a man loves another man.

#trans rights #trans pride #transmasc #trans guy #transgender #pansexual #gay #gay couple #men #man #woman #love #dysphoria

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a-poets-nightmares · 1 year

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I love me

If I wasn't me

I would love me

I mean that sounds crazy

Considering I hate me

.

But just think about it

If I was anyone else

If I was someone else looking at who I am right now

I would like me maybe even love me

.

If I weren't me I could appreciate all the small things

How I talk a lot when I'm excited

And have a bit of flair for a playful attitude

How I smile unconsciously when listening to others

.

If I weren't me

I would notice everything I love about me

How my thoughts are like liquid creativity

Pouring on the canvas of minds around me

.

If I weren't me

I would love me endlessly

I would hug and kiss all the wretched parts of me

And wipe my tears away empathetically

.

If I were someone else

Anyone else for that matter

I would love me

Because in truth I don't hate me

.

I just hate me when I am me

Because I can love me

Just not directly

I need to do so externally

.

If only I could

If only I could love me

Like somebody else could

Like I know I deserve I should be

.

I love me

Inside and out

I love me

If only I wasn't me

#self love #self hate #mental health #mental illness #i love me #original poem #sad poem #poem #poetry

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a-poets-nightmares · 2 years

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What If?

What if I stopped

Stopped asking for help

Stopped telling people my problems

Stopped being so attention seeking

.

What if I went quiet

Stopped talking about the bad days

The sour moments

And the break downs I can't endure

.

What if I acted okay

Stopped making self deprecating jokes

Stopped talking about the trauma

Stopped being sad even if I'm faking it

.

What if I stopped being mentally ill

Stopped being depressed

Stopped being anxious and traumatized

Even if it was a lie

.

What if I actually do all of that

What if it works

What people start thinking I'm actually okay

What if I get away with it

.

What then?

#relatable quotes #teen quotes #sad but true #long post #poetic #poetry #poem #deep thinking #depressing post #self depricating #sad poem #what if #stress #trauma #stop it

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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Hello please reblog this if you're okay with people sending you random asks to get to know you better

#im okay with this

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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My Drug Happiness

Im comsuming a drug called "happiness".

And everyone knows how it is when you are suddenly taken off anything.

You spiral.

And my desperation to get that drug back is what leaves me in a worse state then the last before I started taking it.

It seems like everyone gets there daily dose but me.

After the suicidal thoughts and repressed habits come back and go again my withdrawl is over.

For awhile I live without the drug "happiness".I learn to live without it and i find that its lonely but i can deal with it.

Then I get introduced to it all over again.

People complain that I dont smile enough so they say " Here, this might help."

The addiction starts again. I went so long without it that it takes a bigger toll on me then before.

The fallout is worse.

The symptoms are worse.

And one of these days im not gonna make it through sudden withdrawl.

One of these days they are gonna wish they could have at least saw my face one more time. Smile or not because at that point im six feet under and having tea and crumpets with death.

So like i said im addicted to a drug. And no one seems to like me when im off it but thats okay.They didnt like me to begin with anyway.

#relatable quotes #quotes #teen quotes #sad but true #long post #depressing quotes #poetic #poem #poetry #deep thinking #depressing post #depressed #sorry for being depressing #drugged #drugs #happiness

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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Im Torn Between

What I Want

and

What I Need

I need a type of lover who will cherish me who even though i fall apart is able to deal with all the sharp details of myself. Who needs and wants me as much as I do. Who can understand me but can also let me understand them. I need a lover who can give me a push and pull relationship, a give and take relationship, a happy relationship where we mutually benefit each other.I want a lover who is open with me and trusts me completely.I want a good lover because they are good for me and maybe I am good for them in the long haul.

But thats not what I want.

I want someone who is damaged. I want someone who is as closed off and as bitter as me. I want someone who makes me question my reality and even though I wont want too, will make me better for it. I want fights, and arguments about stupid but also important things that end with us needing space but eventually finding a solution. I want someone who is just as broken as I am because even though we cant fix each other we can still put our broken pieces together and feel a little bit more whole. I want someone who is bad for me because im not strong but I want them because I want there innocent love, I want there bad memories, I want there hidden smiles, I want everything that comes with someone who dosent give there love to many. I want something thats so bad for me but can be a good bad for me and them too.

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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In This Silence

My minds eye

Is quieter then this silent night

I could hear my own thoughts

I could hear what you taught

There is more in this silence then what we know

More then unspoken words and hate

More then our regrets and failures

More then the realities we don't tell

In this silence

The truth awaits

Whether it be good or bad is unknown

Whether it be right or wrong is unseen

In this silence

You could hear footsteps of the past

Like friends you can only remember

Like enemies you can never hurt

My soul has gone still

No longer in discontent

My heart thumps slowly

Calmer then silence before thunder

In this silence

You can acknowledge reality

You can see your oroblems

You can achieve peace before the storm

Thrown, Tossed, and Batted around

Slammed into trees and the ground

Scratched, Bruised, and Torn Up

My silence only a setup only a ruse

Darting eyes and loud thoughts

Losing my calm

Stepping on landmines in my head

Losing myself in the explosions

Passing out on the spot

Losing conscious losing thought

Ears ringing like hell

Like a warning bell

Suddenly the fog has cleared

The eye of the storm consuming me

In this silence

I knew death was not far

In this silence

In the eye of the storm

In my own mind

I am calm and refined

In this silence

I know the truth

I know what I must do

Now it's time to face the music

~ SMM

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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#relatable quotes #quotes #teen quotes #sad but true #poetic #relationship #messy relationships #single #me and my cat #single for life #happy alone #dont need no man #dont need your love #dont call me #dont need no lady #alone but not lonely

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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I Was Scared To Ask

Today you had work mom

I was okay with watching the kids mom

Even if it wasn't work it was okay

But you lied right to my face

Today I have lots of work from school

But it's cool I will watch them instead

Today I'm feeling weary

But I'm dealing okay

He said you lie all the time

But I promised I wouldn't fall for it this time

Cause he lies just as much as you do

But why is he right this time

I was scared to ask the truth

I was scared of your reply

I was scared you would lie

Why was I right

Even if I'm wrong

That's no longer the problem

I was scared you would lie

And nothing can take away that feeling I despised

I trust you with my life mom

But apparently not enough to be truthful to me

I was scared that I would be right

Long and behold what I have brought to light

I tried to deny this fact

That maybe you were just an act

That maybe I was just being stupid

But no Cupid could blind my sight

You lied right to my face

And even if you didn't in reality

I was still scared that you would

I was still questioning if you did

I love you mom

But that doesn't mean I trust you

I'm torn up thinking you lied

My mind is trying to decipher your lies

I thought I was trustworthy

I thought I was your kid

I thought I was responsible enough

I thought I was the one you told the truth

I was scared to ask the question

Thats why I didn't ask at all

But I guess it can't hurt right mom?

"Are you lying to me mom. "

~ Sphfeaic Miller

(Dear Mom I hope your okay with the lies you spew. I hope it's okay that I'm here not knowing what to do. The kids are getting hungry so I should feed them. But if you ever see this I hope you know today has changed my feeling about you.)

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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Deep Thought:

" What Is Pain? "

What is pain?

Is it physical?

Is getting cancer that type of pain?

Is knowing your going to die from a fatal wound that type of pain?

Is it mental?

Is it breaking down and crumbling in on yourself?

Is it being mentally abused so severely you can feel the dread of going home to them, your abusers? Or is it something else entirely?

If I described pain I guess it would be both. Real pain may be torture. Physical torture. The type of torture where you are kept only barely alive every time. The type where you can't cry anymore cause you have no more tears to cry. The type where is is so excruciating and painful you want to black out.

Mental pain may be deteriorating. The type of deteriorating that leaves you on your knees pawing at your chest. It makes you feel like your inner self is the embodiment of pain. Like you just want to rip everything out of you. To the point you just go blank. So what is pain? Honestly I don't know still. Maybe it's not that at all.

Maybe it's like lust. An evolved form of something that went from normal to a problem. Pain. I think I have felt it in both of those forms. I think I have known both fates.

#sad but true #long post #poetic #deep thoughts #neck deep #deep thinking #losing my mind #poem #poetry #teen quotes #depressing quotes #relatable quotes #quotes

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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I Have A Confession To Make

Not A Poem

Just Venting (again)

You know everytime something bad happens with me people start acting all nice like they care. Like I'm fragile. Like I'm gonna fall apart and I guess that's half of the ploy but there's another side to this. I don't just crumble away like a wilting flower most of the time. Some days I just fall apart and all you have to say to me is hi.

I'm not fragile like a flower. I'm fragile like a bomb. Call that cheesy but I am. Some days I just blow up at people. I stuff all the bad shit and crap days is this bag and bury that deep inside me but what do you know it tends to explode with all the toxic shit that's in it. They tell you to let go but some of the shit in that bag has been there for years and just keeps rekindling the spark that never gives way.

If I'm gonna be honest. I don't know how to fix it. I'm not known as an angry person but maybe once or twice a year you see my true problems beneath this skin, beneath this smile. You see me explode. You see me get angry. You see my rage and anger. You see a completely different person and sometimes it scares me more then it scares everyone else.

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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You've Changed

Once upon a time

In a fairytale of my own

You told me what you saw

You told me what I had already known

You said and I quote "You've changed."

And I laughed at this contemptuous irony

I laughed a cruel broken being laugh

As I had known this day would haunt me

Everything changed when I came back

Back to a reality I no longer knew

Back to a family I no longer loved

Back to a friend who knew what was up

It was nice of you to play pretend

But the time for fun games has come to an end

No more is the girl I was before

No more is the past I held to for closure

I have changed

I am no longer the same

That girl who cried over silly and simple things

That girl was buried alive to rot for an eternity

You said and I quote "You've changed."

But in reality this was not the case

I had learned to grow the hell up

To stop being the wimpy, traumatized kid

So yes I have changed

I'm not that pampered princess anymore

I have learned that the dragon is my friend

And that my kingdom is corrupted to no end

I will no longer stand by and cry

Watching as people pass it by

The vivid horror that covers this place

To the point where no ones safe

No longer am I the helpless maiden in a crown

No longer the rejected daughter of the king

No longer naive and always singing

I am my own knight fighting for my own being

The monsters I faced in my years

Changed my fate and my fears

I do not fear the dark anymore

I only fear what it holds in its shadowy figure

You said and I quote "You've changed."

And I absolutely have

But only if you had realised my pain sooner

Maybe I would still be that innocent and naive little girl

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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Who Am I

I often question who I am

But that topic has so much of my attention

Cramming my being into one thing

The act takes so much out of me

Who do I wanna be?

What do I wanna do?

To be decisive is all they ask

But to bask in this glory my ideas are all in vain

I have lost my way from such a direct path

It seemed so easy back then until I crashed

Lost my way and my grace

Falling at light speed towards earths face

They told me that I should be precise

And that life isn't all sugar and spice

Like I already don't know that

Like I already haven't seen it

Years keep coming and going

And the question still remains

Who Am I?

What will I be? What will I do?

Everyone seems to know there place

Does that leave me being a special case?

Am I just a mistake?

I don't want to be just another meaningless face

I could try and hide how much this pains me

But all I do is get loose tears and a headache

I could try to figure this out

But all I would acheive is regret all throughout

What's so simple for others

Makes me break down just mentioning it

Who thought a question so small

Could break me with its words so swiftly

I have a whole life to figure this out

Why do I feel I have to do this now

I'm losing my mind from such a small thing

Something such as a question of my being

Who Am I?

What Will I Do?

Why is this so hard?

How do people even do this?

Who Am I?

I am a kid

No matter how I look at it

Why do I have to be forced to be anything in the first place?

~SMM

#relatable quotes #quotes #teen quotes #sad but true #depressing quotes #poem #long post #poetic #poetry #sad #who am i #confusion #confused #growing up #headache #pain #forced

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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This Isn't A Poem

I'm Just Venting

So you can skip over this if you like.

My step father once went through my diary. He read it from front to my most recent point. He knew my everything. How I felt about him and others. How I hated some. He found the blade I used to tear my pale skin. He and my mother sent me too a mental ward. I was there for 3 weeks. The only thing that keeps me from cutting and not going back is the fact the anxiety I get from not being able to see people while I'm in there is frightening.

My mother once asked me after I got out of the mental ward why I was depressed and I told her that my world was different and that I was sorry that I lived with the ideal of a fairytale. She told me to get a grip and to get real. I needed to wake up. That I was being stupid.

My real dad for the longest time only cared if he got my mother back not about me and it took me years to figure it out realising why he was almost never around.

My step dad once blamed my friends for my mental health saying I was trying to impress them in some way. But my friends were the only family I acknowledged. It hurt me a lot.

When my mother and step dad get into arguments and start screaming. I try to cover my ears or block it out. I will end up shaking when there done. It scares me death.

I fear ever having bad grades because I feel I would never see the light of day again if they knew.

Me and my mother have a rocky relationship. We can't talk about anything mental health wise because she will blame me.

I don't know what to consider as rape. When I was 9 I was kissed and groped by a 18 yr old and when I was 10 my cousin did the same. But I didn't object and let them. So I guess it's my fault.

I have poor self esteem. I couldn't compliment myself purely ever without saying what I lack.

I have contemplated suicide many times but there is never enough time to do it properly.

I feel guilty for saying I never wanna see my family after I leave for college. But I hope I never have to deal with them again.

I fear my last friend will leave me because for me she is my only but for her there are others she can go too.

My parents repeat my failures and everything about me everywhere they can. To strangers and family and friends. They never let me live down my pain.

My mother let my therapists back out and now that I need someone to talk too they are gone and I'm getting worse.

Add on in the comments if you want

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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The Older I Get

The older I get the more I realise

We never would have survived

This family we say we are

It is nonexistent

Maybe when I was 2 or 3

Things were easy

No lies to tell

At least not to little baby me

I have always been able to see

All things you said are invisible to me

All the untold truths

And the weakly guarded lies

Maybe it was when I was 5 or 6

Shit started to make sense

All the I'm sorrys and it's okays

All of them to divert me from knowing

We were falling apart

And the older I get the more I realise

We're more than falling apart or broken

We're shattered in a million pieces

Maybe it when I was 9 or 10

That things really got bad

Maybe that's when everything really changed

Maybe that's when everyone started leaving

The older I get the more I realise

It's not me it's them

I'm not to blame

For the hardships of everyone

Maybe it was when I was 12 or 13

I realised we couldn't fix this

That we couldn't put ourselves back together

That we were shards of pieces to a forgotten puzzle

The older I get the more I realise

We're not a family

We're not friends

Not even associates

We're strangers

We're foreign to each other

We're day and night

We are many opposites to a pole

The older I get the more I find

I'm losing myself every time

I'm stuck in a maze

But this is no phase

Maybe it's now when I realised

We are useless to each other

The older I get the more I realise

We can't fix this broken reality in which we reside

#relatable quotes #teen quotes #quotes #sad but true #depressing quotes #poem #long post #poetic #poetry #post #follow #like #popular #sad poem #family issues #familia #families #sad family #family problems

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a-poets-nightmares · 3 years

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My Mother

You know we look the same

Always playing the blame game

Yeah that's us never taming the past

We're so alike that it's hard to grasp

You know sometimes I wonder

What's the definition of a mother?

Is there a right way to nurture?

Is it just me who seems to be bothered?

She is okay with lieing to me

She is okay with not caring about me

She is okay with disappointing me

She is okay with causing me pain

My mother has left us not knowing what to eat

My mother has stolen many things

My mother has done horrendous acts

But she will never know that we know this and that

Some nights I'm so cold

Like I could sell my sole for just a hot coal

Like that of the stove that heats the house

Because she forgot to pay the bill last month

She was different at least before she had me

Her first kid of six

The quietest of six

The most traumatized of the six

I know I was a mistake

And maybe she would be happy

Laughing even if I just wouldn't have existed

Maybe she would even smile a bit

I know nothing about her

Nothing about her choice to leave home

Nothing about her life before me

Nothing about why she left my father behind

My mother is disappointing

My mother doesn't act like a mother should

But why do I still feel this way

Knowing all she has done to me

Why do I feel like I'm wrong

Wrong for assuming she doesn't care

Why do I feel this way after everything

Why do I still love her even now

My mother has been reckless

My mother has traumatized me

My mother has done terrible things

But apparently I love her anyway

And I don't know why...

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