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[a-randomblog]

Went away for a trip and mum was home alone. I came back and found that the drawer that my vibrator was in had been looked through and it was turned on to full.

I always leave it turned fully off and hide it away. It was moved and turned on and mum was the only person around.

Gross. 🤮

#personal #vibrator mentioned #sex toy

[a-randomblog]

It’s been years since I posted something on this blog but I felt like I needed a place to scream into the void and be seen and heard by no one I know and know that I never actually have to think about it again.

All my life I’ve known that I didn’t experience things the way everyone else does, that I didn’t get things or understand things that EVERYONE seems to know like second nature.

As a teenager I brushed it off believing that it’s the common ‘not like other girls/boys’ and a sense of need to be different even when all I wanted was to be the same as everyone, to find a group of people or even a single person that could fit in with.

I can’t concentrate, I speak too loud and too fast or I move too slow or why am I lagging behind everyone else gets it why not me or how is everyone just able to do things obviously since I can’t I must be lazy or why can’t I do this or this there must be something wrong or I can’t find anything wrong it has to be the way I do things or it’s more than the way I do things it’s a part of me or why am I like this what’s wrong with me or there’s something wrong with me and I’m wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong I’m wrong why can’t I stop it someone help me why can’t I be normal please just let me be like other people please let me be normal I want to be the same I just want to be understood I want real friends I want someone to please help me

And I could never put it into words so no one really got that it was more than me having trouble with school or making friends. I was always told that I was normal and that nothing was wrong with me but I always knew that it wasn’t right.

When I was looking through my life/medical documents I found a booklet about something from my early schooling.

I found out that when I was 6 my teachers brought a surveyor to the school and they said that I most likely had ADHD. The only reason they didn’t diagnose me then was because they weren’t allowed to without my parents’ permission.

Want to know what my parents said to that?

That they were wrong. That I was normal. That all I needed was a push in the right direction and some proper discipline and my bad behaviour would go away. That I just needed to learn that I couldn’t ‘go off with the fairies’ and daydream and that I had to focus.

They knew all this time that I wasn’t normal. They lied to me all these years when I tried to tell them something was wrong. That I was different. That I couldn’t do things or get things the ways others could. They told me I was wrong.

I WAS SIX WHEN THEY HAD PROOF SHOWN IN THEIR FUCKING FACES AND THEY DID NOTHING. I TOLD THEM SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME AND THEY TOLD ME THAT I WAS MAKING IT UP. THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY LIED TO ME FOR YEARS WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I KNEW IT

WHY DID I LISTEN TO THEM I KNEW THEY WERE WRONG WHY DID I TRUST THEM THEY LIED TO ME I NEEDED HELP THEY KNEW I NEEDED HELP AND THEY DID NOTHING THEY DID NOTHING THEY SAID THEY WIULD BE THERE FOR ME BUT THEY LIED THEY LIED I NEEDED HELP AND THEY LIED TO MY FACE FOR YEARS

And now if I want help it’s going to take so long. It will take at least a year and thousands of dollars I don’t have. I don’t have any diagnoses but I know I have another disorder than ADHD and there were so many signs but they all refused to believe they were symptoms because I was weird or because I ‘wanted to do things that was harder for myself’ and I hate how OBVIOUS it all was

I needed help for so long. I could be so much better right now if I only had an ACTUAL support system. I don’t have the money for any diagnosis and I needed the help years ago instead of having to wait over a year from now because of the waitlist.

I hate this. I’m exhausted. I want help. I just want to rest. I just want to fit in. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

I’ve had so many meltdowns over wanting to be normal. Maybe if I was then I could hold an actual job. Maybe I could have more than one friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie to my family about myself and I haven’t even brought up my sexuality that I’m hiding from them.

I want to type so much more. I have years of confusion and anxiety and rage and despair and exhaustion to let out but there’s too much. I’m so tired.

I’m just so tired.

#tw vent #personal venting #tw rant #personal ranting #adhd problems #neurodivergent problems #neurodivergent

[a-randomblog]

I’m on my period at the moment and it’s the worst I’ve ever had. I went to the bathroom to change my pad and I was hit with a set of cramps that made me stay on that toilet bowl for a goddamn hour.

My hands and legs had pins and needles and now they’re numb. My body was shaking how bad the pain was. I had to scream to my mum to give me the heavy pain killers and to make me food because I was in too much pain and too scared to do it myself.

I’ve never thought of harming myself before but 15 minutes ago I googled how you make yourself pass out.

I haven’t felt any pain in five minutes so I think the painkillers have kicked in. I looked at myself in the mirror and I’m so pale.

I don’t know what’s going on, it’s never been anything like this, my mum has a history of severe period pain so I really really hope I’m not getting that.

#tw pain #tw periods

[a-randomblog]

First time at an actual party rn and I’m needing a lot of breaks form all the socialisation I’m getting, everyone here’s really cool and chill but man do I need a break every few hours

#tw drinking #tw drunk #tw partying #drinking #alcohol #tw alcohol #I’m actually being told I’m a good example cause I’m not smoking either cigarettes or weed but everyone here is so chill? #they ask if o wanna and I say no and they say it’s cool and if they ask a bunch and I still say no I’m a good example? #idk man I know what I want I know what I don’t want and I know what I’m not interested in I don’t think it’s that hard? #apparently I’m wide for saying that? idk #party

[a-randomblog]

Just got yelled at by my mum, feeling like shit. Problem is she wasn’t wrong, she wasn’t right by any means but she wasn’t completely wrong and it sucks.

She only picks on me cause I’m the only one around anymore and I can’t wait to leave. I only went into the house to get a custard dessert for a few minutes before I went to my other job and I was yelled at.

Spent all morning at my new job and came back for a single treat before going to my other job and I got yelled at because I didn’t do seven loads of washing.

It’s not like there isn’t any other person she can ask, there’s two other people. Other than me and her, I mean.

And I did a lot today, I had a shower and washed my hair, I went to work and did really well there, I filled up the car tank and I actually had lunch for once. I did really well today! And then she came along.

And then she said that she’s talking the car tomorrow so I can’t go to work! SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO SHE’S JUST TALKING IT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO HOLD OVER ME

For once in my life I’d like my house to be a home. Please. For once in my fucking life please

Fuck it all

#rant #tw emotional abuse #tw parental abuse #tw parents #tw abusive parent #tw abusive mother

[a-randomblog]

They called me back and I might be homeless in two weeks

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Don’t you hate it when someone says they’ll call you back in five minutes so you put things on hold for a bit cause it’s only five minutes it’s fine and then times keeps passing and they haven’t called you back and you keep looking at the time because you keep telling your self it’s only been a little bit they’re probably doing something else and they’ll call back now so you just sit there on your bed and wait and wait and wait and you have things you need to do and they all take a certain amount of time but you can wait a few more minutes cause they’ll call you back soon but time keeps passing and an eternity passes and then it’s an hour and a half later and it’s midday and you have to go to work in a couple hours and you still need to do the other things on your schedule but you still waiting and waiting and waiting and your sure that they’ll only call you back when you start doing the thing that you can’t stop until it’s done which will take an hour but the call should only take a couple minutes so you start thinking about calling them back but you don’t want to cause you had an argument earlier and know your running out of time to do the things you need to do and you’re the only one who knows you have to do those things but the person who has to call you back might be doing something really really important so what if you interrupt them for a conversation you don’t even know the topic about them so you just stand in the bathroom cause you have to take a shower but you can’t pick up the phone while showering cause you don’t want to get water in your phone and break it so

You

Just

Stand

There

Doing

Nothing

#vent #rant #idk maybe I had a panic attack I’m still super jittery a while after making this post #I came back to tag #I had that shower #I just stood there for half an hour with my shaky thoughts racing past and I couldn’t calm down #fuck

[a-randomblog]

I asked my bro if he wants to play Terraria with me and his face just gasped and let out the happiest “really???” I have ever heard him say.

I don’t really like terraria on a good day. I love Minecraft but I just don’t really get Terraria, for my brother it’s the reverse. We both get it and he doesn’t really like playing Minecraft but will put up with it if I’m playing too.

I decided that I could give it a shot and when I asked if he wanted to play with me that just made my night. Dad said we couldn’t play it tonight since it’s already his bedtime but he was just badgering me with “what time?” and “for how long?” All understandable questions but he was just so happy I knew that no matter how much I don’t like the game, it was worth it.

He’s going to ramble on for so long tomorrow and I know for a fact he’ll forget I have no knowledge about the game except for the one time I played it 3 years ago and accidentally summoned a skeleton boss and got owned cause I was like ‘huh this place looks cool, come back at night? Yeah sure’ so he’s definitely going to get upset with me when I don’t follow his very confusing advice but he was so happy then it’s gonna be worth it.

[a-randomblog]

i read the sentence “abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they groom their victims” (in a comment thread in response to a “but i know [the accused] and hes such a nice man!!”) and it’s blowing my mind a weird amount even though i guess i already knew that

[a-randomblog]

This one isn’t about any problems

I have had alcohol in the past but I have never had enough or any strong enough to be drunk. I’m only posting this here cause I don’t want to tell anyone in my social life and I just really want to let someone know. This was a little get together with my dad so we went to the local pub.

I am now tipsy and it’s pretty interesting. I’m giggly, not really aware of things and my ears are red hot. It feels really nice.

I only had one glass and it wasn’t strong but considering I’ve had almost nothing to eat or drink so far (a coffee doesn’t count) I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to have anything strong.

As I drank I noticed that I was giggling more than I usually do and I just chalked it up to finally being able to relax with someone.

When I was around halfway through the drink (I drink really slow) I realised that I was giggling a lot more than usual and my exact thought was: yeah I’m not sober anymore.

When we finished, I told him that I definitely wasn’t sober anymore and we both laughed. When we walked back to the car I found out that I wasn’t aware of things and didn’t really have the balance I usually do, I wasn’t swaying or anything I just knew that my balance wasn’t perfect. He jokingly asked if I wanted to drive and when I stopped laughing I told him that I wouldn’t drive at gunpoint as I am. I know when I am aware of things and I knew then that I was (and still am) completely unfit to drive.

As he drove we talked about how I felt (first time not being sober remember) and went to the pet shop. I asked if it was really obvious that I was tipsy and he replied “let’s find out.” We didn’t talk much inside but I soon found out that I couldn’t really focus on anything when trying to help choose dog food. Sure I was seeing everything normally, but it wasn’t processing properly. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t help but I was really interested in how obvious it felt that I was tipsy.

It’s been around half an hour and my ears are still red hot, I’m gonna google how long this goes for.

My take on being tipsy: pretty cool, I was and still am pretty happy but I would never be in control of a vehicle like this.

Make sure you know how much you ate or drank recently and know your limits. Make sure you know or experiment how much it takes for you to get tipsy cause you could be a lightweight. I don’t condone going out and drinking purely to get drunk so don’t even think about using this post as an excuse.

(thank fuck for autocorrect cause otherwise this would have a lot more spelling mistakes)

#tipsy #not drunk #dont drink and drive #stay safe #idk whos gonna see this but just in case #its starting to wear off now #not giggly anymore #still not aware of things though #ive had like 10 spelling mistakes ive fixed so far #apostrophies in the tags dont count #or lack of apostrophies more like #not even night yet #gonna have dinner soon

[a-randomblog]

My mum

She’s a good person. Sometimes. To people other than her family. When she doesn’t have those rare bursts of appreciation.

She gets upset about the smallest things. She makes them out to be the end of the world. But the big things aren’t worth anything until it’s absolutely needed.

When I was young, I had an iPod. The one with the click wheel that people say was hard to use but actually wasn’t. When my friend came over I would take videos on it whenever I remembered. After a while my mum grabbed my iPod when I was at school and deleted all the videos she deemed ‘inappropriate’. There wasn’t anything wrong on it at all. She believed she was completely justified removing happy memories because she didn’t like that we recorded ourselves. Said that if someone stole it, they could be a pedophile and do bad ‘things’ to us even though there was almost no chance of that happening.

I also listened to music on my iPod to help me fall asleep. I need sound to sleep and our neighbourhood was dead silent during the night with the exception of a few parties. I wore earphones so I wouldn’t disturb anyone. She would take my iPod during school time and I wouldn’t know it was gone until my bedtime, when I couldn’t search for it. I couldn’t sleep properly those nights. She would hide it in drawers throughout the house and give me a glare whenever I looked for it. Sometimes it would take a day or two to find it again.

It wasn’t always my iPod she would take. Whenever we would leave something somewhere, be it a jacket on the back of a chair, a book on a bench or mail on the small table next to the front door, she would move it and put it in a place where she thought it should be. She would always deny it being her, but we would remember her moving it though we didn’t see where she put it. It sometimes wouldn’t be found for a couple months.

Now she doesn’t move things much anymore but two weeks ago my dad and I bought soup sachets and put them on a high shelf. Mum put a large box in front and we couldn’t find them. I moved the box and found it a few days ago. I asked why she would hide it there. Obviously I knew hide was the wrong word and I tried to backtrack until she flew off her head at me. She said “I never moved it. I never hid it.” That would mean that she didn’t touch it, when she did. We argued for a few minutes , her making up things that didn’t happen or weren’t relevant. Again. A couple minutes passed until she finally said that she was upset about the word ‘hide’. I told her she should’ve said something, she said she did, it was the ‘I never moved it’ part. I told her why it was phrased incorrectly. Now past the ‘hide’ debacle, she asked why in the world would I assume she would do such a thing. I told her that she would do it all the time when I was younger, of course I would know it was her. She stormed off in a huff. She apologised for being childish, which suprised me. She never apologises for anything. Ever.

She also has no concept of personal space. She will knock on my door and come into my room whether I say busy or not. I don’t masterbate or anything, I’m only getting changed. I just want a few seconds so I can put a top on. I say so, “just a few seconds!” She comes in anyway. I tell her not to do that, she says that it’s fine, I say that it’s not, she say we’re both girls so it’s ok, I say that doesn’t matter, she asks why, I can’t think of a way to put my reasons into words and she does it again the next time. The same thing happens when I’m in the shower but I use the shower curtain so we don’t have to argue again.

When we hold a party at our house, she leaves everything till the day before. Every. Single. Time. I don’t even know we’re holding a party until the day before that and I can’t help cause I’m busy. Every single time it goes like this:

Start the day getting everyone to help with the preparations, no matter how important their work is, even if they’re working on an assignment closing in on the deadline fast. Start cleaning the house and making room for the guests. Have a breakdown because “There’s not enough time!” or “No one’s doing anything right!” or “We should cancel and tell everyone to not come!” and go outside and smoke for 20 minutes. Don’t blame yourself for your lack of planning. Piss everyone off because you’re the one who wanted this, you’re the one who didn’t ask anyone about having a party, you’re the reason I’m failing my classes. Waste half an hour doing something that takes five minutes and isn’t important anyway. Repeat, excluding part one, until the guests arrive. Let the little children go into the granny flat even though you said that it my brother’s and I’s area and let them invade our personal space and deem us the babysitters because the parents didn’t want to deal with them and the kids are guests too so we have to be respectable even though being respectful doesn’t mean letting them invade on the space you said woULD BE OURS AND A PLACE WHERE WE COULD BE AWAY FROM THE PARTY

Every Christmas we hold a party at our house. The paragraph above happens, except a few more breakdowns and we get ready for it later. Here’s a special little present my mum gave me in the middle of the preparations:

It’s been a couple hours since I started helping out and I’m tired since I was moving around all over the place non stop. I asked for a break, she said I can have a ten minute break in the flat. Just before I got there, dad asked for a beer and I gave him one, his favourite cause now he had to put up with mum’s shit by himself. When I sat down for my break, mum asked me to move a couple chairs, which is quite a hassle, and I said no cause I just started my break. She flipped out at me, screaming about how it’s just one little thing and how could I be so selfish. Here’s the special little present; “You ruined Christmas for us and I hope you’re happy!” Well here’s the thing mum, you’ve been ruining my Christmases since you started doing these parties so HOW’S THAT

Of course I didn’t tell her that but at least when dad decided to check up on me and I told him what happened he agreed with me and told her she was wrong. It started to be an argument but she ran off by saying there’s more work to be done.

And then she went to see her mum in Croatia during the holidays. It was bliss. I was so confused because I didn’t know whether I was a bad person for wanting her to stay for another week. Even though I realised I didn’t dread getting up in the morning with her gone. Even though I was finally fucking happy for once and I could actually go leave my room without anticipating something bad to happen and I was free. I didn’t miss her at all. Dad says that I’m not a bad person because of it, so does the only friend I’ve told about my mum, and I’m finally making my mind up about it. I’m not a bad person for wanting the person who makes my life hell for being gone, even for a moment.

Whenever I do chores, I do them straight away. No arguments, no fuss. But the moment I act like I don’t actually want to do the chores the goes of her head at me. If I tell her that I don’t want to do chores, she tells me go back to do whatever I was doing and is really snappy and says stuff like ‘I guess I have to do everything myself since no one will help me’ even though she’s the one that told me to leave. I’ve started telling her to not be pissy at me when I go back whenever she tell me to go, she actually listens when I do that. If I tell her to not be upset if I’m not overly happy all the time then she gets upset and we have an argument until I say that she told me to do the chore or whatever.

She’s horrible with money. She spends it all on cigarettes and things we don’t need. Dad’s been paying everything for her car, it’s only hers in name.

She spends so much time being nice to everyone that she forgets to be nice to her family.

Sometimes she’ll be nice to us. This morning she smiled at me and said she loves me with so much genuine love on her face. I smiled and said I love you too. I know she loves me. I know that. But I don’t know whether I lie to her or not whenever I say it back.

I invited my friend to the cinema one day and she came to my house so we could go together. Before we entered the house I told her that my mum was acting kinda iffy so I’m sorry if she acts up. I was bringing her to my room when mum stopped us to freak out about my hair. She Sid that I should have washed it, how it was so oily, so greasy, so disgusting. She did this right in front of my friend and tried to get her to agree with her as she berated me. She asked me whether I cared at all and I told her no I don’t in the slightest. She had the most gobsmacked look on her face. She stood there looking like I just slapped her while I brought my friend to the bathroom she she could get changed, she just got back from work. While she was there I checked the mirror in my room to see my hair. It was perfectly fine, not oily or greasy at all. The plan for the day was that dad would drive me, my friend and my brother there, we would watch the movie and call dad so he could drop us back to our own homes. What happened was dad called me to ask if mum could drop us to the cinema since he wouldn’t get there in time. I told mum and she spazzed out, complaining how he leaves her to to everything, well that’s not ironic in the slightest, and how she wasn’t even ready. Dad come home shortly and says he can drop us off. They argue. Mum decides she wants to watch a movie too. She was still in her pajamas mind you. We wait almost an hour for her and thank the stars Dad was driving because if he didn’t then we would not have gotten there in time. The ads had just started playing. When we were going home she made up an argument again, I don’t even remember what it was about. I don’t care anymore.

My friend came over again a few weeks later, she said she was so embarrassed because of my mum berating me. She didn’t say anything about the rest of the day but I knew she was talking about then too. I told her that I warned her before we got into the house and she said I ‘was so right.’

She refuses to accept that she does wrong. This is why I’m suprised in those rare times she apologises. It’s even rarer that she says the words “I’m sorry”. It almost never happens. She will pull every excuse from being tired from ‘well maybe you shouldn’t have done - and - ’. If you debunk all of her excuses she’ll try to change the subject, like she wasn’t trying to change the subject during her made up excuses. If you somehow get past both she might go silent and her eyes will glaze over. This is how you know that she’s not listening to you anymore, not like she was really listening to you in the first place. Nothing you say will be remembered in a few minutes, only the topic you’re talking about and that you were wrong will stay in her mind. She will walk away from you and escape the conversation. She may walk slowly, but she’s not listening and pretends we don’t know she’s escaping. We know. She knows we know. She’ll go smoke a cigarette. She’s gone. If her eyes don’t glaze over she’s listening, actually truly listening to what you are saying. If you believe in a deity or more, thank them. If you don’t believe then thank the stars, they are the known celestial bodies in the universe. She will listen to you but don’t get angry or ramble on, her eyes will glaze. She will agree with you without the glazed eyes and will say she will try to change. She will remember what you say. But only until she wakes up the next morning. If you remind her, she will be angry and now you’re back to square one.

If you do something wrong to her, she will be angry about it for the next few days. Think the plate with small chunks of food on the counter is dinner for the dog but it’s actually mum’s? Guess who’s going to get sarcasm, guess who’s got more chores to do, guess who’s going to have more pressure on them, guess who’s going to be picked on more, guess who mum is going to try to argue with now, I dare you.

She’s at our house all the time, but she’s really distant at the same time. She thinks my dad had an affair because one of his interns is the son of a girl he used to flirt with. Don’t worry, nothing happened between the two. Dad’s married to mum. He believes in only being with the person you’re married to. Mum’s seeing things that aren’t there. Again. Even when she goes dancing and flirts with the other men there. She wouldn’t do anything with them, but she does a flirty dance that’s obvious to everyone but her.

I read a post about people not understanding abuse a while back. How people don’t know what it’s like to be angrily folded a sock at or something. I didn’t understand it then. I do now. My eyes are open. I’m not only focusing on the good in people anymore. I’m not unknowingly ignoring the bad. I’m not being naive anymore. I’m finally able to see whether a person is a good person or not. Even if it’s my mum. I’m noticing her little ticks. I’m seeing her little manipulative ways. Even if she denies it. Even if she doesn’t know it. She’s a manipulative narcissist. I see that now. I know that now. Dad’s been trying to shield me from it for so long. And he has. But I’m not a little girl anymore, I’m not a kid. I can fight against her. I can argue. I’m not the one to be shielded anymore. Nikola is. My little brother is. He is the one I will hide her wrongs from.

She said that I’ve gotten colder towards her the past couple months. I pretended that I didn’t know what she meant. All I was thinking was no fucking shit Sherlock. She’s more of a mother to the daycare kids she looks after than to her OWN FUCKING CHILDREN THAT ARE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. WE’RE RIGHT HERE. WHY ARE YOU A MUM TO THEM BUT NOT US? WHAT MAKES THEM SO SPECIAL? WE’RE THE ONES YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT!

I hate how she acts like she doesn’t pick favourites. And I hate that her favourites aren’t her own kids. I’m moving out the fucking second I get and I’m taking Nikola with me. Dad and I already spoke a bit about moving out. He’ll move out when he doesn’t have to worry about us living with her. He’ll tell us how to own a house, he does everything to keep ours anyway. I want to move Nikola out as soon as possible but since he’s so young that could be bad for him but it could be worse if he stays. I won’t be able to take Nikola with me but as soon as I can I’m getting away from her. She’ll realise that she’s the one who turned us away.

She said that I’ve been cold towards her the past couple months. I acted like I had no idea what she meant. All I could think was no fucking shit Sherlock.

This is only a rant cause I’m feeling in a dump and I need to let it out. This took three hours to write up.

My mum isn’t a bad person though. She really does mean the best. She just doesn’t realise that she has to show it. Dad and I bought dinner and she was really thankful and happy that we did that. It was only ‘just add water’ dinners, we didn’t ever have one of those before and I think she’s happy to try something new. I’ll give her random hugs and kisses but I can’t be alone with her. If I am then I’m constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.

Wow. It really is abuse, isn’t it? Not extreme abuse, but it has left an effect on me so I guess it counts.

#rambles #mum #my mum #narcissist #narcism #narcistic #manipulative #probably abuse #probable emotional abuse #i’ll put more when i remember anything else or when something comes up #rants #abuse #emotional abuse

[a-randomblog]

Speaking of my brother

A lot of other siblings are rude to each other all????? the????? time?????

Like what? Why do you guys hate each other? And when my friends see my and my bro getting along they are so confused and I get confused about that because um yes we care for each other I don’t get why that’s a big deal and they talk about their horrible relationship with their siblings and I am so shocked because first of all how dare you thinking that my ray of sunshine that is my brother would be an asshole and how dare you thinking I would turn this amazing person that is my brother into a rude and snarky mess just because I decide that I want to like hes my brother is kind and adorable and yes he bought us all lolly bags from the festival thing that happened at school today because I told him that you were coming and yes he shares his things with me it’s called me asking for it politely and and him knowing I won’t break it and no he won’t be a dick when we’re watching Netflix he’ll ask if he can watch it with us and ask if he can have some of the chips we bought and he’ll ask if it’s ok for me to get the popcorn I completely forgot about because he would have gotten it himself if he wasn’t so worried about burning it and no he won’t be loud while we’re watching the movie he’s more excited and happy than we are because he’s together with us and no I’m not going to say that he can’t watch with us in the first place did you not see his eyes full of hope and wonder and happiness because I’m not hurting my sunshine’s happiness because of your biased expectations you think he would fall into and yes he actually listens to me it’s called being a decent human being to one another and what do you mean have we always been like this no we were like you and your sibling once but we stopped being assholes to each other and slowly built a new relationship with love and trust with one another and yes I will brag about him whenever I can and yes I apologise to him when I’m irrational and make it up to him by giving him some chocolate or by making cookies and yes I love him so much I can barely contain it and sometimes I cry because I can’t put it into words and he won’t know because I don’t have the words for it and you should see him when he gets a game he’s been wanting for a long time or when we get chicken or pizza for dinner cause he loves those or when he beats a level that he’s been stuck on or when he gets an award or a trophy or when he wins a game of soccer or when his face when we go for a walk together and I decide to get donuts and he gets the ones with the sour gummy worm because he love those or when we just decide to go and browse in a shop together on the walk and it makes it more special because mum and dad don’t know we’re at eb games and we marvel at every little thing together because of that sense of freedom even for something as little as that and wow my little brother I will do anything for him and it’s like that song grenade but without the romanticness and he would do the same for me because while he doesn’t love me as much as I love him it’s pretty close and he is my brother I know him he’s a part of my life and I’m a part of his life and I will never let anyone drag him down like that girl who was a few years older than him at the park yeah I heard you make fun of him when I said that we have to leave I’m sorry what are you doing after you’re done here at the park oh you’re going home well guess what we have to leave now because the donut king is going to close in half an hour and we’re getting the best damn donuts there ever existed yeah I see you keeping your mouth shut yeah let’s go bro yeah I say as I lean down and whisper next to his ear she was a bitch anyway and he bursts out laughing because I dared to swear and no one else heard so I won’t get caught and he won’t tell anyone because he’s whispering the same thing back to me and I HAVE THE BEST BROTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE MY MIND

#rambles #my brother

[a-randomblog]

My brother

My little brother.

My ten year old brother.

My brother who cheers when joyful.

My brother who has dimples when he smiles and has eyes who’s light rival the sun.

My brother with his quick attitude.

My brother with his rudeness.

My brother with sadness in his soul.

My brother who likes rock.

My brother who likes action.

My brother who likes violence.

My brother who doesn’t like what I like, just because he can.

My brother who worries about those who he cares about.

My brother who has already lost some of those he loves.

My brother who is smart. Kind. Brave. Loving.

My brother who thinks he is none of these things.

My brother who I love.

My brother who I wish I could help be happy again.

#poetic rambles #my brother #i love him so much #i just want to help him #hes only ten #he shouldnt be like this #hes too young

[a-randomblog]

I’ve been looking back a lot for the past couple weeks, thinking of how my state of mind was for the past few years and how much it affected me. Though I am still kind of in that mind frame I have grown and matured enough to realise that I wasn’t okay.

I knew that. That I wasn’t ok, but I didn’t care. I was numb, and still kind of am. I think I have mild depression, but I don’t know for sure and I’m not even sure if I really want to know.

Whether I am depressed or not, that doesn’t mean anything to the world around me. Only the people. My dad noticed and hates how I constantly put myself down and cover it up with a joking attitude. My mum is depressed too but is also narcissistic as well I guess, of that’s the word for it. My brother, the one person I care for most in the world is how I was for the past few years and it terrifies me of how similar me were, and still are.

I have changed, even if by only realising of how I was. My world was just... I don’t want to say darkness, but it’s kind of true. And as I though about what I was like, I realised that not everything is... bad. My world stopped being dark, though it’s only in shades of grey now.

‘Only’ in shades of grey. Let me rephrase that. I have grown and matured enough to the point where I’m not only seeing darkness, but light as well. Of course there’s going to be ups and downs, but I’ve gotten better, enough to the point from where I’ll think ‘yeah, whatever’ to ‘I know, and I’ll be okay’.

I didn’t want to kill myself, and only because I was too scared. But I wanted someone else to do it. I would almost fantasise about it. Being killed by a sniper, without me knowing it beforehand, me dying before a split second passes and without any pain. I would think about it every few days, and every couple minutes when I did. Now I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.

I’m still kind of numb, and I’m not as in touch with my emotions as I’d like to be, but I’m better. All I need are people to be there with me, and whether those people are going to be online or in person. I am not weak vulnerable for admitting that.

I have grown, physically and mentally. And I will grow stronger as I get older. If people with bad experiences do come across this blog and want to message me, don’t tell me what has happened to you. If might sent me back to how I was. Please only tell me that you’ve been/are in a bad place and not give details. Thank you for that.

-Aa.Kk

#rambles #an intro about me by me #hi to all! #im not always like this #im usually a lot more cheery #if you want to message me you can #id be more than happy to strike up a conversation

[a-randomblog]

Hello!

A big hello to anyone who stumbles upon this soon to be deserted mess of a blog as you realise that this is as barren as a lifeless desert.

If you didn’t read the blogs description, you wouldn’t know that I’m not going to have frequent updates, not are they going to be often. You wouldn’t know that, but you do now and that’s what matters!

So a quick hello to all as the goodbye’s go for long.