a-wired-one

a-wired-one

Deep WIRED

29 | Aspie | ITA Agender (they/she) | asexual/panromantic Animal Crossing addicted ACNL Dream Code: 6C00 01A2 FCF0 (PM for 3DS friend code) ACPC: 12728659047 ACNH Dream Code: 1831 9090 7037 (PM for Switch friend code)

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a-wired-one·4 days agoText

SPOILER

I have many questions and I am happy about that.
Rena was weird from the first episode, but I didn’t expect her to lose her mind.
Why was she convinced that by eliminating Keiichi her father would be saved? Who manipulated she? Who is the blonde figure who appears in the opening? She’s not Takano, at least I think …
Did Keiichi really survive all those stab wounds? (In case it would be a bit stupid…)
Tomitake and Takano disappeared, Rena going crazy and believing absurd things, Rika and Satoko were killed in that way. Who is behind all this? Who is the mind behind all this?
It can’t be Takano yet… maybe.
We’ll see.

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a-wired-one·4 days agoText

Today, after a long time, I am returning to update this virtual diary. I put a picture of Kara No Kyoukai.

Honestly, I don’t have much to say.
I’m trying to get my life back in hand, but I’m still not really doing anything. I spent days immersed in apathy and depression, hoping to disappear. I writhed with stomach pain and hunger pangs (a nervous hunger) and shivered to the bone (tremor caused by anxiety and medications and possibly weakness).
I’m afraid I’m just a fool looking for an excuse not to take responsibility.
Today I have to start studying again, at least a little, just as I have to start eating well again, because I am gaining weight and this drives me crazy. Simply put, I have to be an efficient adult.
Someday I will want to have at least one child, but at the moment I’m totally inadequate but I’m also starting to get old. I’m 29 and I act like a 15 year old…

The coronavirus is terrifying me. I am afraid that I will get sick and die, just as I am afraid that this can happen to my loved ones.
I am continually afraid of death and would like to understand it, but that is impossible.
I am looking for a way in religion, in philosophy, but it is not enough. I can’t give myself peace. So I try to distract myself, not to think, but I often resorted to xanax to cloud my mind. Now I’m trying to detox, just take what is needed. But it is difficult, very difficult. Sometimes I feel so bad from anxiety…
I would like to understand and accept myself more.
I wish I was braver.
At night I sleep badly, have nightmares and wake up in the heart of darkness, with wide eyes.
I can’t be creative anymore. I don’t draw and write anymore. It seems to me that what I do is worth nothing. That it doesn’t do any good. I don’t even have the strength to do it. I hate myself, I hate my apathy, I hate my depression, I hate my weakness.

You might think that if I hate who I am so much, that I have to work hard to change things.
I’m trying, at least I’m trying to improve, but I seem to live as if suspended in time, where everything flows too quickly and I can’t get on my way.
I can barely play Animal Crossing… and now maybe I have started reading again and today I try to study, also because I have to make a call with the tutor via skype. I can’t put it off with an apology any longer.

As for my physical health: it seems that everything is fine apart from, perhaps, a small urinary tract infection and a thyroid problem. I will make further investigations.
But in fact  I still don’t have an answer to my asthenia, low-grade fever and dermatosis.

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