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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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Bonkers

DEAR ABBY: Bonkers and Bellywaps. Screwball has gone done it again- made another year to bday that dang cuz o'mine. So here's the dealo. Need a gift that blasts 'you're an ass but keep the inviteoos a'rollin.' I mean the guy does fiesta spicy hot style- rat tail swizzle sticks, peanut butter balls for cheese fondue (deep enough to drown an opossum in three ways to Sunday), and all you can drink niptini bar to the ole sunrise. So what gift gets me the first dudeoo through the door? -- Jeepers in the mud room

DEAR JEEPERS: Would you consider a party game such as Kibbles Bobbing or Guess the Intestine? I believe either will appeal to your 'fiesta' instincts, and show everyone the party is your raison d'être. Come sunrise, no one will question you are The animal in 'party animal'.

#cats #humor #comic

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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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Zigzaggy

DEAR ABBY: Good day, madame. I am of the Russian Blue persuasion. I don't wish to sound prideful, but my papers do go back seven generations. I come from the Petrovich Clan by way of Arc Angel Bay. I merely say all this to establish my grounds as an upstanding gentleman who is proud of his heritage and lineage. My purebred background has blessed me with the double layered fur that would be the bane of any cat not trained in proper grooming etiquette. It has lately been my habit, as we've reached the warmer weather to take in some of the neighborhood that has more crack than cement in their alleys. (I find alley shade can be quite invigorating after all.) In these sojourns I have made the acquaintance of a young lady whose time I find surprisingly enjoyable. I have not dared to bring her around to the humans though. It is her language you see. In prime example is her referencing my under fur as zigzaggy. So coarse. I like the terms undulate or serrate. When I bring such things up she laughs at me. We are so different in background that I do not know what to do. -- Perplexed in the Gazebo

DEAR PERPLEXED: Anything can happen in an alley way as you have seen. Words are but a frail and bleak portrayal of an inner nature. Trust your heart more than your ears. It is how she talks not what she says that counts. And who knows, maybe zigzaggy will be the new cool phrase of our generation.

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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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Konked

DEAR ABBY: Ears munched, tail swatted, back trampled am I. Been singing that blues song all day. Was hoping for 5, got 10. Going to kill Buster two stalls down. He comes my way again; he's the new scratching post, and that's the truth. Gal Abby you gotta help me. What canna do to stop them mewling up dead fleas? I haven't slept in hours. -- Exhausted in the Stables

DEAR EXHAUSTED: It's time to teach the young ones their prayers. Have them repeat the mantra until they konk out: I am sun. Sun to be. Sun to fur to heated gravity. Weighted down. World to stay as cat am I to purr.

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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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Sunbather

DEAR ABBY: Hi, can you see me waving? Well I am. I finally have a question for you. Well I've had lots, but I don't want to look silly. Toby the dog calls me stupid. I don't think that's very nice. What does he know? He has to be lead to the bathroom. I go by myself. Now who looks stupid? Sorry. Sorry. My question. Here it is. Why? Oh, yeah I should tell you why there's a why, right? Okay so if you go up the upstairs, turn to black paw, turn away from crying baby there's this room. The humans stand in the largest bowl you've ever seen and throw water at themselves. Weird I know. But in front. In front is a white, soft, cushy, plump, warm me sized square. I can get all of me on it. All of me! And the sun hits it. Oh glorious sun. When the thumbers don't break it. And there's the why? Why turn off my sun? It's, it's perfect until… No. No, still can't figure out why.-- Snooters in the Doorway

DEAR SNOOTERS: Humans suffer from a cruel disease so horrible it's named for them. I'm talking about Instantaneous Human Combustion. And, yes, it's as dire as it sounds. You've seen how their flesh turns colors in the sun, right? Well that, my Snooters, is only the beginning. Hold your tail, but I must tell you if they get too much heat they go poof up in flames. And then no more cans open. It is the stuff of horror stories. (Please do not share this article with the kittens.) But, unbeknownst to humans we have evolved beyond this. However, in their lack of insight, your humans seek to protect you. Now who looks silly? Hint: It's the humans not you my sunbather. So, whiskers up Snookers. They can't be everywhere at once. Go and find that sunbeam.

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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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We all need to improve our sleeping skills.

#cats #cat blog #cat blogging #cat #cute cat #cat lovers #cat person #cat people #cat pictures #cat photo #cat power #silly cat #cat stuff #cat sleeping

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abigailcatburen · 5 years

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Art

DEAR ABBY: Took deh kittens to the park yesterday. Lovely day it was and thought would do 'em good to socialize like with the neighbors, but the gal an' I got into an argument. Neighbors were amused but not me. Wouldn't ya know by the ole sandbox was a big honking pile of mice remains. Commented how spoiled youth is dat they waste perfectly good food when cats starving one block over. My Mollie had to go showin off in front of Joe Beans and go saying 'twas a modern art installation. Some hogwash bout decay turnin to chaos of smells and textures like houses behind flesh and fur. Pafooie. She just wanted to impress them fellas like they care a rat's arse. Well this is one guy not impressed and fur a lot more reason than hoity toity babble. Skeletal remains can't be modern art can it?-- Tom on the Sofa

DEAR TOM: As my readers know, I dabble in the finer arts. Remember it was a cat who showed Monet how to spread colors. Monet might get all the credit, but we know where his real inspiration came from: Orange his tabby friend. Only one finely attuned to the true nature of water and cleaning could get colors blending in just that way. So I feel I can say that as we cats have a fine sensibility for aesthetic expression, your lady was showing off. There might be culinary arts, but the food does not become the art; remember the taste does. Mice remains left to spoil and rot have lost their true finer taste and are thus devoid of art. You are right my dear man. What a shameful waste. Perhaps next time leave the lady at home and teach your young ones to enjoy the finer delicacies.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Puns

DEAR ABBY: I come up with really great ones. I can’t stop laughing. I threw up a hairball once. I swear I’m that funny. It’s like wow how did I even come up with that. Ya know? I blow myself away. Once I laughed so hard I forgot my pre pre mid-morning nap. Boy did I ever sleep well during the pre mid-morning one once I got my fur back in order. Here’s the deal, why does my wife swat me in the face? When I ask her, she does this thing with her tail that makes it land right between my eyes then walks off. The other day I was so on I had to stare in wonder at the wall for so long the humans left the house and didn’t come back for hours. I was in the ‘dog’ house over that since my mate missed her treats. But here’s the pun don’t you think it was worth it? So your human is standing over the litter box with that upped turn nose of theirs. What goes through their mind? Catastrophe. What goes through a cat’s mind? Cat Ass Trophy! Get it. Get it. They sound the same. Am I brilliant or what. I swear a muse lives in my head. Wasn’t it worth missing treats over something so amazing as that one? But really, why does she swat me each time I ask her why she isn’t laughing?-- Sneakers in Laundry Room

DEAR SNEAKERS: Puns are a dangerous breed of humor. The Marx brothers’ cat, the Great Marxster himself, once said, “To be a comedian is to revel in laughter, to be a punster is to revel in pain.” I believe he feels your pain even now.

#bad puns #terrible puns #horrible puns #puns #catlover #funny cats #adorable and cute #adorable animals #cat blogging #cats

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Space Time Continuum

DEAR ABBY: Their screams are so funny. Tell me, tell me. Is there a way to get fur inside a can before it's opened? It has to need a can opener right. And it has to be sealed right. But when they open it, ta da I'm there right. Hee hee. Get it. Me there before the can is ever opened right.-- Bippy in Kitchen

DEAR BIPPY: While the fur cloud you speak of is certainly a mighty force of physics, sadly our limited understanding of it has yet to lead to the beforehand manipulation of human space time continuum. But don't fret, I truly feel it will happen in our kittens’ lives.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Garnish

DEAR ABBY: Is dumb another word for etiquette? Maybe stupid works better. Idiotic? Lame? Eye roll worthy? Why use catnip as garnish if you aren't supposed to eat the garnish? How was I to know? Never thought my in-laws would sink to such depravity as wasting good catnip. So how am I the uncouth one here?-- Spooky in Larder

DEAR SPOOKY: While I believe certain social graces are important, such as asking before using another's litter box, catnip is a gift from the Gods and wasting a holy gift is dangerous. It is only through the eating of catnip that catnip is multiplied. Wasted catnip, oh the horror, would offend the deities and bring their wrath down on us. I this case, I side with you. Your in-laws are walking a slippery slope, and you would do well to keep a distance least the Gods’ strike with little care for point of contact and your fur gets singed or worse removed entirely.

#catnip #cat blog #cats #cat #funny cat #catlover #cute #comedy #cat humor #cat human #house cat #cat help #cat health #cat life #cat lols #cat logic #adorable #pets #furry #dear abby #ask me stuff

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Spears

DEAR ABBY: Rude! Rude! Rude! Rude! How dare they. Day in. Day out. Have thumbs but use them? No! Conspicuous consumption if ever saw it. Talking about eating. Thumbs yes but use them to pick up food? I repeat. NO! They use stabby things to spear their food. Are they trying to rub in they have thumbs and don't have ta use them?--Truffles in Kitchen

DEAR TRUFFLES: I hear you Truffles; and while humans do flaunt their thumbs over us, this is one situation where they are innocent. Humans have a debilitating fear of residual ghosts. This fear culminates in an eating disorder common world over that their food will leave the plate and attack them. They use forks and knives to stab the food into submission and mutilate residual spirits. They sadly believe metal and plastic drive away demons. Be sad for them. Everyone knows it's cat saliva that works best.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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FOOD

DEAR ABBY: My food is laid before me on a schedule not of my own making. I have come to grips with this and adjusted my morning skitter and sleep schedule accordingly. I think I have been quite reasonable in limiting my check-in reminders of the state of my food bowl to a non-quantum time scale. Despite these arduous efforts on my part, the humans pat my head in dog fashion when I put my face to the food and eat. So I put this before you, is it okay to nip the hand that feeds you?Toby in the Kitchen

DEAR TOBY: You unknowingly answered your own question. Think about the beast part of thumbbeasts. Humans are underdeveloped. Compare a newborn human to kitten. Kittens take a fraction of the time to reach socialization ability. Humans can never quite keep up with us and despite their gargantuan size are still trying to reach maturity. Think of thern as large kittens and they will start to make a lot more sense. If you wound nip a kitten in the same situation then yes nip the human.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Fixed

DEAR ABBY: I don't want you to think I'm stupid, but I'm confused. I’m hoping you will not call me sillykitty. I hate that name. I get called that a lot. I prefer cutiewutie because that often leads to treats. My two leggeds have lots of names for me and my fur kind. They say they love us sooooo much and we're the cutest things on the planet, but then they go and fix us so we can't make more adorableworbles. If fixing means love and admiration, why don't they fix themselves? They already have three mini legged ones.--Fluffer in the Corner

DEAR FLUFFER: That is not a silly question at all, but quite an insightful one. You have shed light on human’s fear of scarcity. You and I know that our cuteness and softness are bestowed upon us by Bastet. There is no limit to her reach to make the world cuddlier and fluffier in her image. Humans cannot get their brains around this concept despite how much we shed in summer. Fear of fur famine and balding animals scattered across the earth lead them to fixing us in hopes of preserving the glory that is fur. Sadly humans have yet to learn that the fur dimension is always a winter of enduring thickness.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Lick

DEAR ABBY: Don't ask me how, cuz I won't tell, but I might have like accidentally hurt my tongue. Don't let your readers laugh at me. Not funny. You try drinking with a stupid limp lump of pain. Any who dats not the point. And don't you dare say cat got your tongue. It's old. Point is can't use my darn tongue for much. I pride myself on presentation though. It's not fair just because… never mind. My tongue don't work and gotta be clean. Ima out and about kinda guy. What can I do? If I let the house bro clean me then I got his stench on me. Either way I lose.--Buddy in Downstairs Sunbeam

DEAR BUDDY: I'm sure there is a perfectly rational reason….as to why your tongue is out of lashings. No one doubts that, so let's move on. Shall we? You have two choices before you, and you would be wise to choose number two. Number one is to carry the smell of the world around on your shoulders, flanks, and wherever else your tongue has led you. This options leads to a world of nose strain, and I doubt you wish to add to your pain load. Option two if your ‘house bro’ as you call him is willing leads to one extra smell. It's much easier to get used to one smell that you no longer realize it's there. For the sake of everyone around you go with this option. And perhaps you want to watch where you put that tongue of yours next time?

#cat blogging #cat humor #cat human #cats #funny cat #catlover #cat blog #furry #fursona #kitteh #kitty #kitties #kitten #kittycat

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Nip

DEAR ABBY: Them dang youngsters dragging catnip to my human's burn pile. Keep chasing dem darn rat huggers out da my yard but sneak right on back. Enoughs enough. No manners at all these days.--Gramps in the Forsythia

DEAR GRAMPS: Take a deep breath preferably near the burn pile. That should help. Now I'm sure you had your share of catnip in those good old days sans inhaling of course. See how you turned out? When they are imbibing of the air, sneak up behind then, swat them on the butt, and run laughing. They'll never know what hit them.

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Koan

DEAR ABBY: What is the sound of one paw clapping?--Mr Mustafo on the Cushion

DEAR MR MUSTAFO: Eat your food dear.

#zen #koan #cats #kittens #humor #joke #comedy #lol cats #lolz #meow #kittycat #cat blogging #catlover

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Doggie Bag

DEAR ABBY: They go out last night AGAIN for the millionth time. Come home late with, wait for it, a doggie bag for me. Doggie bag! Insensitive louts. I mean I ate it of course but Doggie Bag???? Show some intelligence. Do I look like a dog? I know I don't smell like one.-- Milo in Hamper

DEAR MILO: How wretched. I'm glad you could find some solace in the food. We cats suffer many insults. Eat when you can to retain your strength for all that is endured.

#cats #kittens #cat blogging #cat house #funny cat #catlover #cat logic #cat humor #cat human #humor #funny #sarcasm #fursona

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abigailcatburen · 6 years

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Vampire

DEAR ABBY: Got stuck in dog dang death trap again. Why put up those stupid denyers of the sun. Heretics! Blasphemy!! Cretins!!!-- Sugar in Bathroom

DEAR SUGAR: Theory suggest humans are dormant vampires. They force themselves to live by day, but struggle with the sun. Those blinds they put up are a homage to their denied roots. Feel for them and watch your neck.

#vampire #cat #humor #logic #kitties #kittens #kitty #kittycat #cats #house cats #lol cats #cute cats #funny cats #comedy #cat blogging #catlover

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