absolutelyfizzing - Tumblr blog

absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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safehouse

sirius black x gn!reader

description - You had always told Sirius that he was welcome to come to your home over school breaks should he ever need to. One night he takes you up on it.

warnings - mentions of abuse, medium graphic wounds, and blood, dissociated sirius, unbearable fluff.

word count - 1950

MASTERLIST

You had told Sirius that, should he ever need to, he could always come to see you at your family's home. It was far smaller than his or James' but it was safe and warm. Your parents loved Sirius and they knew enough about his situation to encourage you to invite him over whenever he needed. You had a fireplace in your bedroom, mostly for the sake of travel by floor, and you had told Sirius how to get there. He had never taken you up on it until one night in the summer before your seventh year.

You woke up to a bright flash of green, your eyes taking a moment to adjust to the sudden change. Then you heard a small whisper of your name in the dark.

"Y/N?" you recognized the voice as Sirius and quickly mumbled a charm to turn on the lamps around your room. When you saw the state of him, you gasped.

"Siri, what happened?" You asked quickly before you could think about your question and he let out a sniffle. You could see a tear trace down his face and you quickly stood and dragged him into your bathroom and turned on the light. When you saw him fully you were even more horrified.

He had swollen eyes, almost to the point that he couldn't see on his right. His lip was busted and there was blood trailing from his nose. What you were more concerned about was his eyes. He looked defeated, numb. He would get like this sometimes after coming away from his house. He had told you once that he had learned how to block out out everything and just take it. Take his abuse from his parents just by disassociating. This was one of those times. He didn't even make eye contact with you, he looked past you over your shoulder. While there were tears streaming down his face and snot from his nose, his eyes held nothing. You moved him by his shoulders and silently put the toilet seat down. He understood and sat on top of it so he was sitting facing you.

You felt yourself crying but you didn't have time to think about it. Instead, you got a washcloth and ran it under warm water. When you moved back over to him, he was finally looking at you. He still didn't say anything but you gazed into his eyes for a moment before you were snapped back into reality and started to work on wiping the blood and grime off of his face gently with the washcloth. He winced a few times and every time, you flinched. by the time you were done cleaning his face you could see his wounds more clearly. He looked slightly better as far as his physical health went but he didn't look much more alive in his eyes. You leaned down to kiss his forehead, which he closed his eyes into, before you rushed out of the bathroom, finding your wand as quickly as possible.

When you came back in, he had a hand on his stomach.

"Siri, can I lift up your shirt?" you whispered as you came closer to him, your fingertips dancing along the bottom hem. He sniffled up at you and nodded. At that, you lifted it up and over his head, you took a sharp intake of breath.

You were already familiar with many of his scars and marks that he had accumulated over the years but this was worse than you had ever seen. He often tried to keep his condition away from you to keep you from worrying. There was swelling along the right side of his ribs and purple bruises blooming along his ribs and stomach. He had a small gash that ran over two of his ribs. You guessed that he had broken something. You looked into his eyes for a moment to give him a comforting smile before preparing your wand.

You spent the next 30 minutes healing the internal and external wounds on your boyfriends body. He winced throughout and you tried to keep your tears hidden. He still hadn't spoken a word to you and as you were finishing up, fixing the superficial scratches on his face, you were starting to worry.

"Okay, I'm done m'love." You almost whispered as Sirius looked up at you with his puppy dog eyes. You heart broke. "Do you want to to come to bed?"

Sirius nodded.

"C'mere" You pulled him up by his hand and gently led him to your bed. You sat him down before moving to the dresser next to your bed. you kept a set of clothes at your house and you were thankful for it now. You pulled out a set of sweatpants and a t-shirt and moved towards him again. He let you get him up and change him into his new clothes as he remained silent.

When you were done you lifted up your covers and waited for him to get into bed. He laid down facing away from you and when you climbed in, your arms curled around him, pulling yourself to him to try to make sure he felt safe. He laced his fingers with your in front of his chest and you sighed a bit, at least happy that he was acknowledging his surroundings. Sirius fell asleep before you and you tried not to think too much about what happened to him before he came here. You fell asleep anxious about whether he would talk to you about it tomorrow.

When you woke up, your hair was getting pushed away from your face. You opened your eyes to the gentle light coming in through your window and Sirius's face in front of yours. He was facing toward you, both of you practically pressed against each other and your legs tangled together.

"Good morning, love." You smiled a bit and he smiled back. You let out an internal sigh at the small sign that he was okay. "Breakfast?" You suggested, ready to get out of bed but he held your hand tighter and shook his head.

"Can we just stay here for a bit?" He whispered. His voice came out broken and scratchy. You quickly nodded and kissed his wrist that was on your cheek as he played with your hair.

"How are you feeling?"

"'m okay." He mumbled and you didn't bother giving him a look to let him know he was lying, he was well aware and you didn't want to push him back into silence.

"Would you mind if I look at your stomach and ribs? I haven't done healing magic since exams last year and I'm nervous I didn't do it right." You mumbled timidly. He nodded and, while his eyes glassed over a bit, he lifted his shirt so you had a clear view of his abdomen. As you had suspected, there was still bruising. You hadn't done your best work. You reached across him to your nightstand to begin to do some of the spells again and he waited patiently without complaint. "You know, my parents will be happy to see you. They were hoping you would stop by sometime this summer." You mentioned it casually but you hoped to get the point across that there were people who cared about him and his safety.

"I haven't seen them in a while."

"I know! And now we are dating so you're the mysterious magical boyfriend." You smiled at him. Your parents were always intrigued to meet more magical folk considering that they were muggles and most of the time they were around people who weren't magic. Well, besides you but you didn't use it much when you were home.

"They aren't disappointed?" He seemed so sad and you felt yourself pout without meaning to.

"Of course they aren't disappointed, they love you, Siri." You whispered and leaned in to kiss his forehead. A ghost of a smile was on his face when you pulled away and you felt some sort of pride at making him feel any better.

"You should write a letter to the Potters, Maisey is in her cage in the other room," you suggested, referring to your owl.

"I already know they're traveling. James told me before summer. I'm planning on going there in a few weeks to spend the rest of the summer there. They won't be home."

You nodded in understanding and waited a moment.

"You could stay here?"

"Y/N, I couldn't possibly-" he started.

"Please will you?' You almost begged and gave him your best puppy dog eyes. "I would never be able to enjoy the rest of my summer if I knew you were back there and my parents would be happy to house you for a few weeks. Just until the Potters got back," you pleaded. He didn't make a move to speak but instead looked into your eyes for a moment.

"Okay." He whispered and a huge grin broke out on your face causing a smaller one to take over his too. A comfortable silence fell over the two of you and you gazed at each other. There were still very faint marks on Sirius's face that reminded you of last night and you wanted so desperately to know what caused the fight.

You knew that they were aware of you, his family, and it was a cause of conflict in his relationship with his parents. They were horrified that he was with someone who was muggle-born and you couldn't help but feel guilty that you were at fault.

"I know you might not want to talk to me about it, and that's okay, but I just..." He looked at you and could sense what you were going to say.

"Don't put yourself through this, my love."

You avoided eye contact with him.

"I just don't want you to get yourself into trouble with them for me." You whispered as the guilt came crashing over you. "Was it about me?" Sirius just sighed which told you that it was. Tears came to your eyes.

"The things they were saying, Y/N. I couldn't just stand by." He huffed and you shook your head.

"I am not worth all of this, Siri. I know you want to defend me and I love you for it but you can't put yourself through this."

"I refuse to be silent while they remain such vile people. I won't. It's not like I have a family reputation to uphold anyway." You couldn't help but let out a choked laugh at that.

"I love you. You know that, right?" You whispered to him. You pulled his hand from the bed up to your face where you kissed the back of it. He smiled at you a bit. He wrapped his hand around the back of your head and pulled you down to the bed to kiss him. You were still careful about his wounds but the entire world disappeared. You had missed him dearly over the last few weeks and it hit you now. You pulled back to look at him and there were tears in both of your eyes. "I love you and I'm proud of you."

The look he gave you made you feel more than any words could have done and he paused for a few seconds before pinching your cheek and sitting up.

"Alright, let's get down to breakfast. I believe I have some parents to charm."

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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should i post it

so i watched encanto, the disney movie, the other night and oh my goodness i liked it so much. I found myself really being into the idea of an aged up camilo madrigal because i found him and his gift charming (plus i sort of liked his singing the most of everyone) but he is like 15 or 16 in the movie. I wrote about an aged up zuko and an aged up peter parker but something in me is just unsure if it would seem weird or if it would even be wanted if i were to post a story i wrote about camilo x reader (when they are both like 19 or 20). idk if anyone even has an opinion but if you do let me know, it would be just as easy to keep it to myself if it seemed like the kind of thing that i shouldn't post because the age gap between me and the current character would seem weird (im 19)? i dont know i think its just late and im an anxious person but anyway, i have writings besides that coming very soon including some requests and i apologize for not posting for a bit.

#ask #ask me #help #author note #its me #encanto #encanto disney #camilo madrigal #camilo x reader #camilo imagine

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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finals week is finally over!!! thank god. just wanted to update y’all and say i should have more time to post in the next few weeks

#ask #me #general #announcement

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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love you

hey so like i can’t really reply to stuff on my posts very well cause this blog isn’t my main one (if anyone is techy and wants to help me fix that then hmu) so i don’t get to tell you guys how much i appreciate it. I wanted to tell you right now that if you have ever replied to, reblogged with a comment, reblogged with a hashtag, or anything like that, i have read it. I cannot put into words how validating and meaningful it is to know that people are reading my work, genuinely thinking about it, relating to it, being moved by it. it brings me to tears. anyway i just wanted to let you know, cause i can’t reply on my posts, that i am reading them and i appreciate you and i love you and your opinion means the world to me. thank you for reading and for sticking around through the weeks of angst and grammar errors and dead periods when i have too much shit to do in school to post. you’re the best.

#me #author #owner #asks #hey #hey there #thank you #reply

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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what you deserve

loki x reader

description - Y/N gets injured and loki, who she thinks hates her, has to convince her to let him help.

warnings - self-doubt, some gore (fairly mild but blood is described), some toxic loki behavior at the beginning, someone kill me for writing myself into every story i write

word count - 3400

A/N- why hasn't anyone stopped me from writing myself into every story i write. God this hit hard, i need to cry and this hasn't achieved it yet so there will be more angst coming until I'm successful.

MASTERLIST

Loki had met you more than a few times, each making him hate you more than the last.

The first time he met you, it was the day he got introduced to the team as a friend instead of an enemy. The rest of the team waved reluctantly and turned to go back to whatever they had been doing. Loki was okay with that. He went to sit on the couch, something already having been playing on the tv and nobody on the couch. Until you came over and sat next to him.

"Hi! I'm y/n." You stuck your hand out to shake but he simply looked at your hand, back to your face, back to your hand, and then rolled his eyes away from you. You felt your heart drop a bit. You hadn't seen or met Loki before this and he was one of the most attractive people you had ever seen. Of course, he was, he was a god. But he seemed so sad. Even if he was trying to seem aloof, you could tell he was lonely.

But he rejected you. He didn't acknowledge any of the words that you said or try to interact with you.

That continued for months.

You had thought that maybe he had just been tired when you first met him but no. He just didn't like you. He had even seemed to warm up to some of the team. Natasha and he had a similar habit of judging people from the corners of rooms. Wanda and Loki would compare magic. Thor had grown close again with his brother.

You would think about it often. What had made Loki hate you so much? You tried to be kind to him. You would offer him breakfast when you were making it, you made him coffee in the mornings which he took without a glace your way, he refused to spar with you. it made you sad.

You had grown to have a crush on the god. He was quiet and brooding and you thought you could tell that he was softer than he let on. But maybe you were wrong. As you watched him laugh with his brother from across the room, your heart was in your stomach. You had cried a few times about it since you'd met him.

You had also talked to Nat about it. She knew you were in love with him before you did, and she knew Loki fairly well so she had insight on the situation. She tried to convince you that he didn't actually hate you but it was getting to be impossible to believe her. You would just have to get over it. You cried that night again. You just wanted Loki to like you. To be friends with you. You just wanted to know that he didn't hate you.

3 months into him being at the compound, it came under attack. It was a Hyrda fringe group. There had been, however, a protocol in place. Whenever the compound were to come under attack, it had been set up that Loki would be held in a cell. While he seemed to have been acclimated, he was not yet trusted and while you were all distracted, you were weaker.

So when the alarms went off, Loki was taken to a cell. You all fought hard but the attack was well planned and damage was dramatic. You had been stabbed and bruised but Bruce patched you up a bit before moving on to people with more severe injuries. Some of the other people around you gave you judgemental glares. You hadn't performed your best. You had been distracted, your concern for Loki in the cells underground making you a poorer fighter. That’s how you had gotten stabbed and it was also how you managed to trip up another member of the team. You knew that they would forgive you and understand eventually but at that moment, you hated being around them. You were disappointed in yourself. Tony had told you that the power and automation was down so he advised taking stairs and not to get locked anywhere. You agreed and wandered the halls. You found an upper floor, one you'd never stepped onto. There were clean white walls and you were headed toward a secluded corner before you could think about it.

You fell against the wall and slid so you were sitting against it, head between your knees and shoulders shaking. How could you have been so stupid? You were worried for a man that hated you. You hated yourself. Your breaths were uneven and you shook as you felt like the world was crushing your chest, preventing air from entering your lungs.

"What are you doing here?" A familiar voice grumbled and your head shot up. Loki was in a cell across and down the hall. You looked around and it dawned on you that this was the floor made to hold overly powerful beings. Supposedly it could hold Bruce, Thor, even Wanda. It made sense that this was where Loki would go. He looked at you curiously though he would never have shown you that he had genuine concern for you and your wellbeing.

"Why are you still in there?" You avoided his question for a moment.

"Power is out and I can’t exactly magic myself out, now can I?" He grumbled and your heart dropped. How much worse could this day get. "Now can you leave this floor before you flood it with tears?" You held your breath for a moment while you processed his words. Officially everyone in the building hated you. You couldn't breathe.

"'m sorry." You whispered and stood on shaky legs. You didn't make it more than a foot before you collapsed. There was pain in your side where your wound was and when you looked at it, you could see why. There was red bleeding through your shirt. You must have ripped some stitches while you were hyperventilating.

"Y/N?" His voice sounded more concerned than you'd ever heard it.

"Sorry, I think I ripped my stitches." You whispered, disappointed that you couldn't fulfill his request. The blood coming out of your side seemed more severe than it had been when you'd gotten the injury. You got slightly lightheaded and Loki could tell that you would likely pass out soon.

"Call someone!" He barked and you shook your head. Loki remembered that power was out. He cursed.

You knew that you wouldn't be able to make it on the stairs. Your best bet was to not upset the bleeding and wait for someone to come get Loki out of his cell. You tried to army crawl back to the corner you'd left so you could still try to respect Loki's wishes and get out of his way. To take up as little space as possible. There was a trail of blood that followed you.

"What are you doing?!" You wished he would stop yelling at you. Instead of responding, you leaned your head against the wall and squeezed your eyes shut. You could barely feel the pain in your side, the crushing pressure in your chest much worse. "Y/N?!" He was shouting again. God could he not stop yelling at you even when you might be dying?

"Please stop." You whispered it with the intent of only yourself hearing it. You didn't want him to get even more upset at you but you couldn't help the quiet sob that left your chest. You pressed your hand into your side, it would be fine. It would be uncomfortable and you might even pass out but you didn't think you would die. Probably. You were willing to risk it in order to try to not draw attention to yourself.

Loki was silent. He watched in horror as you quietly sobbed in a corner, bleeding out and trying to remain small. And he had made you cry. Well maybe not originally but he definitely was making it worse. His heart was pounding so loud in his chest that he could hear the dull roar of his blood in his ears. He knew he had been awful to you since you had tried to introduce yourself to him.

He hated you.

or maybe, he hated how he felt about you.

When he had met you on that first day his heart hardly worked anymore. You had been so beautiful and you looked so kind. Why then, could he not be kind in return? You didn't deserve to be treated poorly but every time he was around you he could hear himself being mean or not even responding at all.

He watched you interact with others. You were strong and sweet and took care of everyone on the team, including him despite how he knew he treated you. He had started to talk to Natasha as a way to learn more about you. To know what you liked and how he could make you smile without you knowing it was him. He tried to make sure that your favorite cereal was always in the cupboard. He always had flowers on the countertop of the table you ate lunch at. He always recorded that show you liked on the tv because he knew you forgot. He tried so hard to make your life better while he knew that he was making it worse whenever he was around you. He thought you must have hated him at this point. That you had to have grown to resent him but that wasn't the case. You never snapped at him. You always respected what he said and made him coffee in the morning.

And now here you were in the corner of the floor you were on, trying to give Loki space because you thought he didn't like you. You were bleeding out and you were still being kind to him. He took a breath, trying to soften his voice. He knew this was going to be hard.

"Y/N, love, will you please come over here?" He asked and it took a moment for you to process that he was talking to you. When you figured it out you looked at him. Your eyes were wide and your eyebrows furrowed with confusion. He took a breath in. "Please come here."

You had never heard him say please since you'd met him, least of all to you.

"I don't understand." It was still coming out in a whisper.

"This floor can’t dull my magic entirely, I may be able to stop the bleeding." He clarified but that didn't help too much with your inability to understand.

"Its okay, Loki. You don't have to do that. I'm sure it will be fine." You assured. You even smiled at him despite the tears in your eyes from the pain you were in. He didn't know if the tears were from physical or emotional distress. Perhaps both.

"Y/N, I'm begging you to come over here. Please, dove." His eyes were watery and greener than ever. Your skin tingled at the pet name but you still couldn't comprehend what was happening. Either way, you figured it wouldn't hurt to try to go over to where he was now kneeling against the large bars of the cell. You removed your hand for a moment and the blood resumed coming out of your side. You winced and Loki winced as well.

You managed to stumble over toward the cell and Loki extended his hand to help you to the floor. When your hand held his for stability, you realized that this was the first time Loki was touching you. Your heart hammered harder in your chest.

You managed to tumble to a sitting position on the floor pressed against the bars of the cell as Loki tried to make you comfortable from the other side. He cringed when he saw the blood on his hand from you taking his but he knew that it wasn't going away. It just scared him.

He pressed his hand into your side over your injury and you both winced.

"Im sorry, dove." He whispered and you thought you might have died, that this was some sort of weird fever dream or maybe you were in a coma, but the pain in your side was very real. Loki must have been real as well. Your side very slowly stopped bleeding and you were finding it easier to stay awake. As you started to feel it become easier to keep your eyes open and you could focus on the things around you, you took in your surroundings.

You were splayed on the ground, your upper body leaned against the bars while loki supported part of it. He had a gentle hand on your side which was becoming less and less painful. You looked closer and he actually seemed to have tears in his eyes. he was muttering under his breath.

"What are you saying?" You sounded groggy.

"Nothing." He grumbled and your heart sank. He was back to being cold with you. You started to wiggle and when you found that your side only mildly ached, you started to get up. "Where are you going?" He was quiet.

"I just thought..." You trailed off. "I know you don't like me, I just didn't want to stay in your space and make you uncomfortable." You mumbled. You both knew that he hated you, you didn't much care if he was aware.

"You don't make me uncomfortable." He stated and you sighed very quietly. He hadn't denied that he didn't like you

"Its okay, Loki. You don't have to be comfortable around everyone and I've taken the hint. It doesn’t hurt my feelings." You both knew you were lying.

"Y/N, I dont-" He paused and suddenly there was a whirring around you. The power was back on. You stumbled to the pad next to Loki's cell and unlocked it. Before he could even step out, you were already rushing to the stairwell. Loki let out a defeated sigh.

You made it back to your room and managed to avoid everyone for the most part. Those who did run into you only glared a bit and walked by. You were exhausted. You didn't want to eat or go into the common area for any reason so you just decided you would spend the rest of the day in your room. Nobody else seemed to mind.

Night came without a disturbance and you were slightly hurt. You wished that you knew that the team cared. You were starting to wonder. When it was sufficiently late, about 3AM, you headed out of your room. Bucky was normally resigned to his room by 3 and Sam didn't wake up for his run until 5 so you had a bit to try to grab some food and water and maybe some tea to calm your nerves.

You tip-toed to the kitchen and you were right, it was empty. You let out a breath and emotion waved over you. You didn't know where it was coming from, why it was coming out now, but it was an overwhelming sadness and anxiety.

You figured by now that FRIDAY had alerted them to the near death experience you'd had on the 5th floor and yet none of the team had come to check on you. Or had even said a word to you. You didn't know if they cared. You also felt awful knowing that Loki didn't like you. That it took you almost dying for him to even touch you. You were, of course, thankful that he had helped. You couldn't be upset with him. You were upset with yourself for being like this, for not being a better person and friend and fighter so that everyone would at least be okay with you being around.

You felt a tear leave your eye and you fell to your knees in the middle of the kitchen. Your hands wrapped around your stomach and your body curled into itself, trying to be as small as possible. Your tears were hitting the floor and your breath was becoming uneven.

You were so pathetic. Why did you need constant validation. Why couldn't you have just gotten over yourself. Over Loki. Be a better fighter and be a stronger person with less emotions and not make everyone so disappointed all the goddamn time. It felt like everyone was against you. They should be. They were right. You were incompetent, clingy, emotional. You couldn't fight without getting distracted. You screamed at yourself in your head.

You were so consumed by your emotions that you were startled when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You flinched and quickly turned around. Loki stood above you, crouched to reach you. He had a concerned look on his face.

"Are you in pain still?" He was checking to see if you were still inured. You took a breath quickly and wiped the tears from your face hastily. You stood up so fast that spots danced across your vision. Loki's look of concern didn't fade.

"What are you doing up?" You avoided the question.

"Y/N, are you still hurt. I could fix it."

"No I am not hurt still. Here look." You assured with a small voice and lifted your shirt. The previous stab wound was now reduced to a freshly covered scar that ran across about 5 inches on your side. You tried no to show that it was painful. It didn’t feel healed. It felt better, of course, but it ached and was tender when you touched it.

"I could fix it all the way." He offered and you quickly shook your head.

"No, thank you. It’ll be fine. You should be in bed." You offered, even though you knew it wasn't really relevant.

"I asked Friday to let me know when you came out of your room." He mumbled and you tilted your head.

"Why would you do that?" You weren't mad, just curious.

"I wanted to talk to you." You paused. Why? Was he upset at you about something? You took a shaky breath in.

"Okay, what did you need to talk to me about?" You were preparing for the worst.

"I cant-" He couldn't form the words in his head. "I don't dislike you, Y/N."

You looked at him from across the kitchen. You had a look on your face that revealed that you didn’t believe him.

"Okay." You whispered. Was that really what he had come here to do? Lie to you?

"You scare me." He admitted quietly and your eyebrows scrunched up at his revelation.

"I'm sorry, I didn’t mean t-"

"No, it’s not your fault." You waited for him to continue. "When I met you, you were so outgoing and happy and everything that I wasn't. And it scared me. And then I got acclimated but you still intimidated me. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and you are mortal and I didnt know how to cope with my feelings. I still don't." He sighed, "I just want you to know that you never did anything wrong. There isn't anything wrong with you, I just can’t express my feelings, especially romantic."

"Romantic?" You were whispering. You were worried that he might take back what he was saying.

"Im afraid I'm in love with you. And I am so bad at communicating emotions that I have convinced you of the opposite. For that, I wanted to apologize." He had just admitted that he was in love with you and you had no idea how to respond. "You do not owe me a response or reciprocated feelings, I just hadn't realized until earlier how dramatic my actions were affecting you and that was never my intention."

"What if I do have reciprocated feelings?" You could feel your breath shaking from nerves. He could barely believe what he was hearing.

"Then I would feel very fortunate. But also slightly worried." He admitted. "I haven't been as kind to you as I should have been and I don't want you to think that is who you would be getting involved with or that that is what you deserve. If you felt at all the same, which I hope that you do, I would like to perhaps take things quite slow. You should not rush into something you may not understand the full scope of and I would like to prove that I can treat you as well as you should be treated."

"That sounds good." You whispered with a smile on your face and he smiled back at you, both of you blushing.

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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ending credits

bucky x reader

description - Bucky and Y/N are pulled apart by their jobs, even though they both know that they would never love anyone else as much.

warnings - angst, f!pronouns, idk I think its mostly just general sadness and devastation so enjoy that one

word count - 1100

a/n - the second of the now series I guess of song fics? this one really took me out, I need to have a good cry otherwise the rest of my writing till the end of time will just be upsetting.

MASTERLIST

song based on the prompt - right person, wrong time-

by sophimay.uk on tik tok! Go check out her profile, she writes amazing songs and she, of course, has full credit for the lyrics in italics.

today i felt too tired to move

so i lay still and floated on the tube

a lady with a baby

offered me a tissue

two different kinds yet I couldn't choose

and its cause of you

my aching heart

simply wont move

next to me yet worlds apart

feels like I've met my ending credits at the start

You could imagine a life with him. You could picture the future you had both talked about. You would have 2 kids and have a formal family dinner every Friday night. He would drive you to work when he was home and you would live close enough to your friends that you would have company while he was on a mission. He was the love of your life. You were sure you would never love anyone as much as him.

He would hold your hand in crowded places because he knew it made you less anxious. If someone was looking at you wrong and you were uncomfortable he would simply stand between you like a wall of protection. He took you out on his motorcycle but he stayed on uncrowded roads because he was worried something might happen to you. He taught you to fight just in case anything ever happened to you, even though he knew he would die before he let anything hurt you.

You would hold onto his metal arm when he was self-conscious about it, which you could always tell. You would brush out his hair and let him fall asleep with his head in your lap. You would make sure that he ate a good meal when he was home and that he got a good night's sleep while he had a chance. You liked to make him coffee in the mornings while he made breakfast and you would both stand with your arms around each other in silence while the pancakes cooked.

Then he was assigned a mission.

And you got offered that job.

Your life seemed to be trying to rip you apart. You would literally end up on opposite sides of the globe and you both knew that long-distance would only further tear you apart. It wasn't fair to either of you when you would have to move on. Bucky didn't know when he would be home. He didn't know if he would come home. You were moving to the job you had dreamed about your whole life. Bucky had been the one to convince you to apply. You both knew this was a possibility.

Why, then, was it something that was tearing you both to shreds?

That last night you spent together you had both cried. Bucky tried to hide it for a while but he knew it was pointless. You were supposed to be each other's forever and now that wasn't the plan. He prayed with everything he had that he would come home soon. That he could come back to you before you moved on. You were weighing how much the job was worth to you. Bucky would have been upset if he knew you were even thinking about it but you debated whether you could leave him over a job. Even if it was a huge aspiration.

Bucky had sat against the headboard of your shared bed and you straddled his legs. Your face was buried in his chest as he stroked your hair. He could feel your breath sharing and he knew that his shirt was damp from the tears you were shedding. His face was wet with tears as well. Your fists were gripping onto his shirt tightly and Buck wished he could stay like this forever. That he wasn't going to leave in 8 hours. He had to leave at sunrise. He didn't sleep a wink. Neither did you.

You spent the entire time against each other as you talked about the future as if he wasn't leaving. He talked about the new diner he found in town that he was going to take you to. Sam's sister was getting married and you guys were invited to the wedding. There was a cat at the shelter that Bucky had seen and they were going to get. You talked about the rest of your lives as you hoped it would eventually come true. But that isn't how life works. Bucky took a deep shaky breath when he saw the sun coming over the horizon. He thought he had cried himself dry but apparently, that wasn't the case. He felt more tears come and he knew you were crying again as well.

He got up and got ready like he was just leaving for work. Like he would be back in 2 days from his mission with Sam and he would tell you all about it when he got back. You helped him get ready and made him breakfast. Neither of you acknowledged either of your swollen eyes or your shaky voices. When he got to the door, you leaned up to kiss him like usual. But he pulled you as close as he could and he locked you in a kiss that tried to convey everything he was feeling. He pulled back and pressed his lips to the top of your head while his hand cradled your neck. He wanted to kill whatever god was doing this to him.

"I love you." He looked at you so intensely that you lost your breath.

"I love you more." You whispered back.

"I'll see you when I get back." He promised like he was just going to be gone for a few days. You wished so desperately that that was true.

Then he left. He walked out of the door and went away. You moved to your new job. Each of you thought of the other every night but never reached out. Bucky was cut off on his current mission but you also knew that if you stayed in contact, neither of you would ever get over each other.

So you would try.

You would go on dates and try to find someone that compared to him. Bucky would pour himself into his work and try not to let whatever darkness was inside him grow with his grief.

You wondered how you had managed to meet the rest of your life too early.

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

I FINALLY HAVE A WLW POST UP! thank god, its been a minute and i should have got on that by now. i will try to write more as time goes on.

#my post #ask #hey #wlw #wlw imagine #wlw angst

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

colder

natasha x reader

description - Natasha had to leave you, you didnt understand why. Now you were both cold in bed without the other.

warnings - sad, angst, fem!reader, not a happy ending, I'm warning you now! some self doubt

word count - 1000

a/n - i think i am going to be making a series of these song fics, let me know if there is someone you think i should write about :)

MASTERLIST

song by sophimay.uk on tik tok! Go check out her profile, she writes amazing songs and she, of course, has full credit for the lyrics in italics.

suddenly the night gets colder

clear that now the evenings over

funny how I keep getting older

no I never thought I would

refreshing every memory that I could

laying in my bed

like that'll do any good

The bed was cold without her there. She was always so warm. She would pull you in by your waist so her chest pressed into your back and her face was against your neck. She would be everywhere, her warmth and smell consuming you. You loved it. Now you lay with the shirt that she left behind when she moved out, trying to convince yourself that she was still there. It had only been weeks. She said that it wasn't you, it was her. That she had to leave for you. That she wasn't the right person for you anymore.

It hurt so much you thought you'd never get out of bed.

You tried your best to avoid looking at the bedside table where you knew the ring you'd bought was laying. That she never got to know you had.

You'd suspected that she had seen it coming, she was a spy and assassin, she had to know. She had to have known. That must have been why it happened. She knew you were going to propose and needed out. You supposed it made sense, it had just come out of nowhere. Wanda had convinced you to get it and she was the person closest to Natasha. She should have known this would happen. You wanted to be mad at her but she was one of the only people who still came to check in you and talk to you about the breakup.

Wanda was someone who could read minds. You had assumed that if she told you to propose to Nat, she would know what she would have said. You couldn't bear the thought of her being gone. Out of your life. She hadn't called, texted, let you know that she was okay or that she cared about you at all. That was something you now questioned. Had she ever loved you? Had it always been one sided? She seemed to leave with such ease. What were you supposed to think?

Natasha shivered in her bed. She was curled into a sitting position at the head of the bed and she looked at all of the space around her. She missed the way you would lay your head on her lap to try to get her to braid you hair. She always did. She loved being with you. Loved basking in your warmth. You would smile and her heart would burn with how deeply she cared for you.

She saw the ring one night.

She had seen the signs.

She thought that you must have known she knew you were proposing. That must have made it that much harder when she left. She wanted so desperately to walk back to you. To go to the apartment you had shared and pull you into her.

She was damaged.

She had supposedly been rehabilitated but she knew better. She didn't work like she was supposed to. She was her best when she was around you but she knew that wasn't fair pressure to put on you.

She was gone nearly as many nights as she was home. She had to go undercover on missions where she would act like she wanted to sleep with endless men and women. She knew it took a toll on you.

You'd had an agreement that if you asked, she would answer truthfully. That included if she had kissed anyone on missions. If she had said that she loved anyone. You tried to avoid it sometimes but you were so curious. So anxious. Nat always said that none of it meant anything but she had seen you cry about it once. You had been clutching your knees as you tried to hold your breath. She had told you that she had to almost sleep with a man while undercover on her last mission. That she had spent a week with him, convincing him that she had feelings for him.

You knew it was a job but it still upset you. She knew that.

You would have married her.

She would have married you if she didn't think it would have been bad for you. You always thought that Nat was the best thing to happen to you but it wasn't true. Natasha knew that it wasn't true. You were happy when you were with her but when she left, Wanda told her how heartbroken you were. What if she didn't come back from a mission? What if you needed her and she couldn't be there? What if you had a family and something happened to them while she was away? She couldn't take the thought of you being alone. So yes. Best to let you go now. Best to let you move on before you committed any more of your time to her. She held in sobs as she looked at the cold bed around her and she could only imagine you doing the same. She couldn't break though.

She had to stay strong.

She had to make sure that you would be okay long term, even if she would suffer for it.

Even if it ripped her heart out.

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

there are angsty song fics coming very soon. I found this tik tok person i think but she writes the most beautiful short little songs and i am just so into them. so anyway, get ready for song lyric blurbs, feel free to send in if you think theres any character i should write about!

#general #me #my post #ask #asks #help #fluff #angst

0 notes

absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Note

Hi lovely! For your requests, I saw that you also do Star Trek. Do you write for khan (Benedict cumberbatch)

i can sure do my best! shoot!

#asks #ask #request

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Note

your recent fic🥺🥺🥺🥺

I love the angst

i’m so glad you like it 🥺 i’m in a mood fs and i guess i’m taking all of you guys down with me ;)

#ask #asks

0 notes

absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

dont move

bucky x f!reader

description - Bucky's work comes home and scares you both, bucky realizes how much danger you are in by being with him

warnings - canon level violence, mild injury through violence, worried bucky, badass reader, protective bucky. fem pronouns and descriptions. no body or race descriptions, as usual

word count - 1550

MASTERLIST

His heart nearly stopped when a gunshot went through his window and broken glass shattered into his room. You yelped next to him and something came over him. He rolled off the bed, pulling you with him by your waist before shoving you under it. He then found his gun in his nightstand just as men swung through his window. He cocked it and prepared for the upcoming fight.

"Y/N, don't move." He ordered quietly and you stayed silent in fear.

You weren't a fighter. You had learned some self-defense from Bucky but you had only recently moved in together and you had never really been afraid of anyone since you had begun dating. You knew Bucky would do anything to protect you. You kicked yourself for it now as you wished you could help him in his fight. You stayed silent under the bed, trying not to draw attention to yourself as you listened to the struggle happening only feet away from you. You listened intently to try to get a read on the situation. You heard a clatter on the ground and assumed his gun had been kicked to the ground. A shot rang out but fighting continued. You heard the footsteps of at least 3 men around Bucky. You moved your head to stare at the ground next to the bed and watched the feet of the 4 men move as they fought. Bucky was still only in socks. You were horrified as he was knocked onto one knee by two of the men he was fighting and you could hear him struggling. You knew you had to do something. You made a decision to slide to the other side of the bed and get up, figuring that his only chance was for you to distract them long enough for him to get ahold of his gun.

You stood on shaky legs and grabbed the gun from your nightstand that Bucky kept there in case you needed it.

"Hey!" you shouted and all 4 of the men turned to look at you. Bucky looked absolutely horrified and two of the men started to move toward you. You made eye contact with your boyfriend and tossed the gun to him. He caught it and shot the man in front of him but not before the two men had made it to you. Before you could have defended yourself you were held and bound. Your wrists were pinned together and held by the arm wrapped around your chest and another went to lock your head into place. The other man put his hand up to you and you heard a click. it wasn't a big leap to guess that he was pointing a gun at your temple.

The room froze.

Bucky didn't dare to speak out of fear that they would do something to you. The two men were waiting for him to make a move. You weren't able to move much, still trying to wiggle free of the hands holding you. Bucky locked his gaze with yours and his look told you to stop moving. You did.

You felt a tear run down your cheek and you couldn't figure out if you regretted standing up or not, knowing that Bucky now had a better chance that he would make it out alive but your chances were worse. You knew that if you made it out, Bucky would be furious with you.

Bucky's hands raised in surrender as he looked at the men holding you.

"What do you want?" he asked quietly, trying not to startle the standoff in the room.

"We want you to come with us. If you try to get her out or escape, she dies." The man holding the gun pushed it so it was pressed firmly against your temple. You whimpered a bit. "Understood?"

"I understand, please take that gun away from her head." He practically whispered.

"That's pathetic." Both of the men let out a short laugh and you shook a bit, trying to take a deep breath. "You used to be so scary, weren't you? Now you're reduced to a puddle over this little thing?" The man holding your neck tightened his hold and you took a sharp intake of breath.

You made eye contact with Bucky and he saw the look in your eye. He shook his head a bit, giving you a look that told you he knew what you were going to try and that you shouldn't do it. Despite his disapproval, you began to discreetly mouth numbers counting down from 5. You took a deep breath.

'..three... two... one.'

Once you reached 'one' you used all of your body weight to pull the man holding you forward and down with your bodyweight. he stumbled over you, and tackled you to the ground in the process. You heard a shot ring out and a struggle but the man now on top of you used his position to take a few blows to your face as you tried to block him as best you could.

Before he could land another, his body was ripped off of you and a metal hand slammed him against the wall so hard that he was knocked out. Not a second later, you were pulled into someone's arms. You struggled for a minute, not recognizing who was holding you and terribly on edge.

"It's me, it's me," he shushed and you looked up at him, wrapping your arms around his neck. You hadn't even realized you were crying until you noticed that his shoulder was wet.

"Im sorry." you whispered into his neck, "Im sorry."

"Hey, what are you sorry for?" he asked sincerely, bringing his hand to the back of your head to guide it so that he could see your face and look into your eyes.

"Y-you told me not to move and I-"

"You probably saved my life." He assured but it did little to make you feel much better. "It shouldn't have been a problem. I promised I would take care of you." He got quieter a the end of his sentence and he looked down towards his lap. You saw a tear forming in his eye.

"You couldn't have done anything more than you did. You were outnumbered and they were obviously very well trained."

His hand moved to trace along your face, moving over the damage that was surely there. You noticed the same about him. He had a dark bruise forming on his jaw and a scrape on his forehead above his eyebrow. You could feel the effect of the blows and you knew that they would take much longer to heal than the injuries that Bucky held. He could heal from just about anything in days. You would probably have scars.

"Maybe..." he paused and sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't live with me." He mumbled like he didn't want to say it. You pulled back a bit more to stare at him with raised eyebrows.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"They could have killed you. I was caught off guard and it almost cost you your life. You are in danger whenever I am with you and if I can't protect you then how can I justify putting you at risk just to see you to make myself happy."

"First you want me to move out, now are you talking about breaking up?" You almost shouted and he flinched.

"I don't want to, Y/N, but I can't watch you die."

"I didn't die!" You were actually shouting at this point despite his tone remaining calm. "This isn't your choice to make."

"Y/N, I won't survive you dying. I would go insane with revenge and grief and I don't think that I could live through it. You are far more likely to die when you are with me than with someone else. I can't justify putting you in the line of fire just because I selfishly want to be with yo-"

"I could die at any time." You rushed out. "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, I could get a terminal illness next week, I could drop dead from a heart attack in three seconds. You don't get to choose for me the risks I am willing to take. I know that your job is dangerous, believe me. But you are the love of my life and if you leave me I don't know what I would do because I want to spend the rest of my life with you and if you left me, I don't..." Your voice got gentler and your voice broke on your last word.

He shushed you and shook his head and pulled you into him tightly.

"You're right." He sighed deeply. "Im sorry and you're right." He pushed his face into your hair.

"It's okay." You mumbled.

"I love you and I don't want you to leave but I am teaching you to fight."

"Deal." You smiled into his shoulder. "I love you too"

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

just like him

bucky x f!reader

description - bucky starts behaving like one of your exes which he promised he would never do.

warnings - some toxic bucky behavior, references to a toxic past relationship, negative self talk, self doubt, fem pronouns, I'm sure some spelling and grammar errors

word count - 3100

MASTERLIST

Your heart was in the pit of your stomach as you looked at your phone. The three bubbles on your screen told you that he was reading your messages. Then they disappeared but no message came after. He wasn't going to respond to you. The words you had just sent were staring at you on your phone, mocking you.

'When are you coming home?'

It had seemed like such a simple question but lately, it had become more and more loaded. You had been dating for a year but the last 2 months were tense. He had started going on longer away missions, staying at the compound later, getting drinks with the guys after a night on the job. You were always there to support him working or hanging out with friends but you hadn't seen him in seemingly weeks. Hadn't talked to him in days. The last time you slept in the same bed was 8 days ago and he had only been on a mission for 5 of them. The others he had stayed at the compound, away from you.

Up until this point he had kept you hopeful with his calls and texts. That he was 'coming home soon, doll' and 'it's just that work has been kicking my butt'. Now he wasn't giving any explanation. He was being short and curt and it almost seemed mean. But that couldn't be right. Not your Bucky. Bucky could never be mean to you.

And yet, here you were looking through the last days of texts where his responses left something to be desired.

'I'm tired, doll. I have to cancel tonight.'

'Not coming home tonight'

'Staying at the compound after mission, I'll probably be home in a few days.'

'Just don't have the energy to deal with coming home, might be back in a few days'

The last one stung. You knew that it meant 'I don't have the energy to deal with you'. It hurt. He was turning into the person he had promised he would never be.

When you had met Bucky, you were just coming out of a relationship that ended badly. He was a jerk to you and didn't respect you but you stayed with him for a year because you thought that's what love was. That it's what you deserved. Then Bucky came along. He was kind and sweet and promised to do everything different from how your ex did. To always treat you like a queen. But right now you felt like dirt.

Part of you was angry at him, that he was doing this, not responding or coming home. Another part of you was angry at yourself. You had to look in the mirror every day. You wouldn't have come home to you either. You hated how you sounded whenever you opened your mouth. You hated the way he looked at you if you asked about the fact you hadn't been on any dates recently. You felt stupid and insignificant. You knew that it wasn't really his fault at all.

How could it be?

It had to be on you.

So you were upset. You felt guilty. You packed a bag. You wanted him to have space if he needed it. You called him, knowing that he would let it go to voice mail and planning on leaving him a message.

'Hey, Buck... So I don't know what I did, I don't know why you're avoiding me but that's okay. I bet you want to be able to come home, you just don't wanna be around me which is totally cool and fine. No worries. Anyway, I'm headed out for a few days to give you some space so you can come home without me there. I can stay away longer if you need. I'm sorry again. I love you. Okay, bye.'

You felt the pit in your stomach grow at the message but what else could you say. You were trying your best to make sure to not make him guilty. You looked at the backpack in hand and left your home, locking the door behind you. You were headed to your sister's place. She would have an open room and would let you stay longer if you needed. You just hoped Bucky was okay.

Bucky's head hurt after the mission he had just endured. It was tiring, long, and most of all loud. He would have sustained ear damage if he had not been a super-soldier. Still, he felt exhausted. He glanced at his phone as he stepped off the jet, finally having service after the 5-day mission. He saw some texts from you and sighed audibly.

He was so tired. He didn't want to think about anything besides sleep. He opened the text, meaning to respond, but he forgot and fell asleep before he could.

He awoke 10 hours later. He looked at his phone and it was early morning. He also saw that he had a voicemail from you which was strange.

He took a breath. He knew he had been neglecting you recently and he felt bad about it. On the other hand, he was tired. He could only process about half the words you'd said. He'd have to listen to it again later. He didn't have the energy to come home and be comforted by you. He thought he might have a breakdown. So instead he stayed out. He figured you probably wouldn't mind, you never did. He had been harassed by Steve a few times. The two of you were close and he knew that Steve was starting to get fed up with his behavior.

You never complained though. Not to Steve, not to Bucky. He thought maybe one time you had gotten upset at the fact that you weren't going out together lately but bucky shot it down, tired from a mission and frustrated that you wanted him to go out again. He knew that it was more that you weren't spending time with each other that was upsetting you.

Sighing, he got out of bed and headed to the kitchen in the compound where he anticipated the team would be eating. When he arrived, he got a glare from everyone there. Well, this looked like it was going to be a good day.

"Good morning to you too." He grumbled and Natasha scoffed before leaving the room. Bucky gave Steve a questioning look but he didn't say anything back. Everyone else slowly left, not a word said to Bucky until just Steve remained.

"What's been going on with you?" Steve tried to be gentle.

"Oh, so he speaks." Bucky chuckled.

"I'm serious, Buck." Bucky looked up at him with a little bit of shock. He didn't know where this was coming from.

"Steve, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Y/N just left your home because she thinks you don't like her."

"That's not true," Bucky scoffed. That couldn't have been what your message said. Although at this point he had been too tired to really remember what your exact words had been. But that couldn't have been right.

"She called me last night Buck" You had called Steve? He tried not to be annoyed.

"And what did she say that's making you act like this."

"As I said, she thinks you don't want her around so she went to stay at her sister's house in case you wanted to come home without her there." Steve sighed. "She thinks you don't love her anymore and she's scared you're going to leave her so she's trying to give you space."

Bucky stared at his coffee for a moment. You thought he didn't like you anymore?

"Don't you realize what's happening?" Steve was trying to make Bucky connect the dots. "You're acting like Jackson. That's how you're treating her." At that, Bucky looked up at Steve with an offended look in his eyes.

"That's not what's happening," Bucky assured. He didn't know if he was trying to convince Steve or himself. His behavior was starting to dawn on him. He didn't know it was affecting you that much. You always brushed it off in front of him.

"Bucky, that's exactly what's happening. Exactly what you promised wouldn't happen is happening." Bucky shook his head. "You aren't talking to her about what's going on, you aren't hanging out with her anymore, and you don't let her know why or when you're missing an event. You are letting her think that it's her fault that you aren't seeing her."

"Steve, that's not what's happening." At this point, he was pleading. That couldn't be what was happening. He wouldn't have let that happen. He looked at his phone. He had to listen to your message again.

He let out a shuddered breath. Steve was right. You were blaming yourself for his absence. Assuming that you did something wrong. He knew that you did this with your ex because he had seen it happen. It had infuriated him that Jackson would let that happen. Let you believe that you were at all at fault. But now he saw what he was turning into. He felt a tear gather in the corner of his eye.

Was this really what he had done? Without even knowing it was happening? How could he have been so careless?

"I don't..." Bucky trailed off, a faraway look in his eyes.

"She loves you, Buck. Too much for her own good. You could probably do anything and she still wouldn't break up with you. It's your responsibility not to take advantage of that like every other person before you has done."

Bucky knew he was right. Steve stood and left the kitchen with a huff. Bucky stared at his phone. He had to call you. He clicked on your icon and let it ring, praying you would answer.

You were sitting in your sister's guest bed on your computer when he called. Your heart stopped. Either he would call and want to see you or he was calling to break things off. You would have done anything to keep him with you. That had always been a problem for you. So you answered, dreading what the call could be about.

"Hey, Bucky" You started. Hoping you didn't sound too surprised.

"Hey, doll." He didn't sound very happy. This was the call. Oh god. "How would you feel about coming back to the house so we can talk. I know you said you went to your sister's bu-"

"I can be there," you assured.

"Okay great." There was a bit of a pause and both you and Bucky held your breath, waiting for someone else to make the first move. Out of anxiety you just started talking.

"Ok well I can be back in like an hour," you started. "Or I could wait for a while longer if you wanted me to-"

"Come whenever you can. I'm gonna be home all day." There was another pause.

"Should I bring my stuff with me or.." You tried to communicate what you dreaded this was about.

"Yes, please do." He assured. Bucky paused again. "I love you." You let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding.

"I love you too. I'll be home in an hour." You assured. Bucky hung up. The sick feeling in your stomach was slightly lessened but you still let uneasy. You weren't still sure that he wasn't going to break up with you when you got home. It had felt like there had been a lot of distance built up. A lot of him pushing you away. It couldn't just be over. Could it?

Bucky felt uneasy after the call too. He knew that you were trying to gauge whether or not he was ending things which made him all the more upset because of course, he wasn't going to. Is that what he had done to you? And why had you taken it? He was so angry with himself.

He didn't know what to do with the hour that was awaiting him before you got home. He busied himself with cleaning up and fidgeting but by the time the doorbell rang an hour later, he had driven himself insane. As he opened the door, he took in your appearance. He could see the concealer that you were wearing to try to cover up the redness in your eyes from crying. He could hear your heart racing wildly. He could tell that you were nervous from your fidgety hands. He was getting angrier and angrier with himself by the minute. How had he not seen this happening?

You could tell he was upset when he opened the door. He scanned you for a moment. You prayed he couldn't tell how the last 12 hours had been for you. You didn't want him to know you had been upset at him. He opened the door and gestured for you to enter. You obliged cautiously.

When you got inside, it felt strange. there was so much anticipation in the air.

"I'm sorry." You spoke before you thought about it.

"For what?" Bucky had a disbelieving look on his face.

"For making you upset. If I've been asking too much of you lately. For leaving if you didn't want me to." You rambled on a bit. Bucky fell to sit on the couch and his face went into his hands. He let out a shaky sigh. You stopped talking.

"Doll, you are not at fault in this." He mumbled and you frowned a bit.

"I could have-"

"No, this is not your fault." You waited for him to continue. "I cant believe I didn't even notice this was happening." You were surprised to hear that his absence hadn't been on purpose.

"It's okay," you reassured, genuinely believing it to be true.

"Why didn't you leave me?" His question took you aback. Did he want you to?

"Well yesterday I was trying to-"

"No, doll. I'm sorry I'm not being more clear. Why didn't you break up with me when I've been neglecting you for the last 2 months."

"Well, I just thought..." you paused for a moment and Bucky waited for you. "I just figured that you didn't want to be around me as much and I thought that made sense." He shook his head again and he looked slightly horrified.

"Honey, you deserve so much better than that. That isn't what was happening and I'm sorry I let you think that it was." He almost had tears in his eyes. "You shouldn't have taken this from me."

"I just sort of thought this is how relationships with me went, I guess." You had seen how Jackson had ended. If this was what happened to you and Bucky then it had to be something wrong with you.

"Hasn't it bothered you?" He asked.

"I mean yeah but I just... I didn't really want to bring it up and upset you even more."

"I haven't been upset, baby. I promise. Ive just been a clueless dick who wasn't paying enough attention to his girl."

"I know that you've had a lot going on and stuff though."

"Please don't try to justify it, doll." He sighed again. "You are far too good for me."

"Don't talk about yourself like that-"

"No, please listen to me for a second." He grabbed your hand to pull you in front of where he was sitting on the couch. You made the move to straddle his thighs so you were as on his lap, now feeling more comfortable and sure that he wasn't going to end things. His hands fell to rest at your waist. "This can't happen again. I love you so much and I have been so awful at letting you know that's the case lately.

You deserve to be treated like gold. You are the greatest woman I have ever known and I wish you valued yourself like that. You shouldn't have let me do this. I mean I shouldn't have done it in the first place but you should have left me when I wasn't treating you right."

"Why would I have ever left you? You're perfect, Buck"

"No, I'm not Y/N. I have flaws and faults like every other person and you have to know that you deserve the best I can give you. Anything less is an injustice on my part." You didn't speak after that. You were thinking about his words.

"Okay." You mumbled.

"Okay?" he questioned.

"Okay, I'll let you know when it feels like this is happening again." You mumbled. "Or I'll try to."

"If you feel like you can't tell me then tell Steve. Tell someone so they can get my ass in check or can get you to stand up for yourself, babydoll. You have a voice in how you get treated... you should at least." he whispered out, still feeling endlessly guilty about the slightly clueless look on your face.

There was a pause in the room as you both let some of the tension fall from your shoulders.

"Are you going to be home for a while?"

"Yeah honey, I took the week off and then I promise that any night I am physically able, I am coming home. If I cant then I will call you and tell you all about why. Does that sound ok?"

"Yeah that sounds okay."

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

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okay so the first of the extra triggering fics are up, i will see how it is received and debate if i should post the other stuff. I really hope i dont trigger anyone and thank you to everyone who gave input and said that i should post them.

#ask #random #general #hey there #my post #help

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absolutelyfizzing · 2 years

Text

can i help?

peter parker x f!reader

description - Y/N has been struggling with how she looks when Peter spends more time away from home and goes back to bad disordered habits to try and fix it. Peter finds out and tries to help.

warnings - THE BIGGEST ED TRIGGER WARNING EVER!!! please do NOT read this if it will be bad for your eating disorder recovery journey or if it will worsen it if you are not yet ready to seek recovery. this has themes of body dysmorphia and anorexia/highly restrictive eating. no body descriptions besides that they have comfy thighs :) there is a specific calorie number at one point in the fic. AGAIN, ED WARNING!!!! fem reader (she/her) but honestly very little description, mostly its implied by pet names ("pretty girl", etc.) and that peter is into women.

word count - 6800

A/N - hey there please don't read this if it would be bad for you. I wrote this because when I did, it was what I needed to read. It is fairly triggering. I debated for a long time about whether or not to post it because I do not want to cause any harm, please tell me if I should include more trigger warnings or if you think I should take it down. This is, of course, based on my own and my friends' experiences and ED's are not universal. No gender, race, body type, weight, etc. has any weight in whether or not a person can have an ED. Any hateful comments or pages will be blocked. Please reach out to me if you needed to talk, I would be open to trying to help anyone who needed it. If you want to reach out to someone else for help try nationaleatingdisorders.org or try.talkspace.com or reach out to a friend. I cannot preach about recovering, I have been in and out for years, but I know that it can be a lonely disease and one that tells you that nobody else understands. I can try to help either of those things.

MASTERLIST

ED THINGS BELOW THE CUT, PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION

You could feel your stomach rumbling a bit and you quickly reached to the nightstand to chug some water. You would get some coffee in a minute but you hadn't left the bed yet seeing as there was a very tired spider still sleeping on you. College had been kicking his butt lately, it had been kicking yours too. And he had to be a superhero on top of the difficult classes. You hadn't had much time together recently, he was always running around. You, of course, understood entirely that he had so much going on and that you couldn't be a priority over literally saving lives but there were times when you felt like you weren't even on the top 5 list.

He had been spending more time at the compound lately and that wouldn't have really bothered you except there was a new girl on the team that he was really excited to be friends with. He showed you a picture of her, you not having had the time to go to the compound in person in a while, and she was beautiful. Specifically, she was thin. She was strong and lean with an athletic build. She looked like a runway model. You knew deep down that he would probably never look at anyone else and he didn't know that it would make you insecure but logic wasn't winning out in this case. As Peter gushed about how nice she was all you could think about was how she suddenly seemed better than you. That Peter was spending time with this amazing woman who was literally a superhero, had a great personality, and looked like THAT. You were becoming less and less confident that you had any of those things.

So you slipped into an old pattern.

Before you had met Peter a year ago, you'd had some trouble with eating. High school was hard and it was a controllable variable. It also had something to do with how you were getting told what you looked like to others. Your mom had mentioned a weight loss program, your grandma was starting a new diet, your brother was running every day to get fitter. They all seemed to have it under control but you just felt less and less confident every day. And so one day you looked up how to diet and it turned into a spiral.

It hadn't worked great, of course, it wasn't healthy and the results were short-lived. During freshman year of college, it got worse, you finally had total control over your diet. It didn't get any better until you got a friend who had dealt with similar things. She would eat with you and distract you if you thought too hard about it. She would compliment you in every way besides looks so you wouldn't even think about it. She convinced you to take down some of the mirrors in your house and to put the scale away. It took a while but you were recovering. You got back to a healthy weight and you were okay with it mostly. You were learning to be okay with it.

Then you met Peter a year ago. He was so adoring. He told you constantly how beautiful he thought you were and how amazing you were and you forgot even more about your disordered past. And then that friend moved away and you were managing to maintain. But then Peter started talking about that girl a few weeks ago. She was just so beautiful. And Peter wasn't exactly paying as much attention to you. You'd gotten your scale out, you told yourself it was just to check for general health. You were higher than you were expecting. Higher than you had been in a while. You were horrified. No wonder Peter wasn't being around you as much and he wanted to talk to the superhero/model instead. You would have wanted to do that too.

So you started trying to 'fix it'. For a few days, you were trying to keep it healthy, a moderate increase in exercise, trying to be mindful about eating instead of tracking calories. But it didn't last longer than a few days. You already knew the calorie counts of everything in front of you so it was hard to avoid tracking in your head. You found yourself weighing in every morning to see if anything had changed. You started eating less and less and going back to your hunger coping skills. It had gotten bad again. But it wasn't far enough along that the results were obvious and Peter wasn't around often enough to notice the behavior change. He hadn't said anything about it. You couldn't tell if you were glad so that you could continue or upset because he didnt notice. Or even worse, what if he noticed and was letting you continue because he agreed that you needed to look different. Maybe he was hoping that you would turn into someone who looked like the new girl at the compound.

He had told you last night that he would be home for a few days, just the two of you. You were panicked. He would be around the whole time to see what you were eating. Or what would maybe bother him more, what you weren't eating. You settled on a plan, trying to get away for a few minutes around mealtimes to act as if you had eaten, try to come up with meals beforehand that you could say you ate, sleeping in extra late, or going to bed early to take up time in the day. You were doing your very best to be prepared for the possible challenges of him being home.

He stirred a bit next to you and was sort of mumbling in his near slumber. He slowly started to open his eyes and looked up, smiling at you sleepily from where he was situated with his head on your thighs as you were sat up on your phone. You smiled back down at him, quickly putting your phone away.

"Was that your stomach?" He questioned with a bit of a chuckle but it almost made your heart stop beating. You were going to have to try extra hard to not even be a little nervous considering that he could tell when someone was lying and he would be able to hear your heartbeat the whole time.

"Yeah it was, did it wake you up?"

"No, I was almost awake anyway. And I don't mind at all, just means we should get up and get you some breakfast." He mumbled quietly, nuzzling his face further into your thighs, you cringed at how squishy they seemed.

"That's okay. I'm not really hungry, I think I just need my coffee but I kind of want to lay here for a while longer." You reassured and Peter nodded.

"Okay, let me know if you wanna get up though, please." He whispered with a small smile and your heart warmed. "God I love your thighs, they're so comfy."

Your heart jumped into your throat. You knew that comfy meant soft and soft meant fat. Or that's how your brain was processing it. He was probably only saying that he liked your thighs to try to make you think about them and get you to diet by being passive-aggressive about it. That's what your family used to do. Peter noticed your change in behavior, or more accurately your change in heart rate, but chose to ignore it considering that he had no real reason to believe that anything was wrong.

"Thanks, bubs." You whispered out, trying to keep your voice as steady as possible. It seemed like it worked. He stayed silent and seemed to be in a sleep-like state for a few more minutes before your stomach made another growl and you cursed yourself in your head.

"Alright, that's it. I think that is a sign that we need to get some food in you." He smiled as he slowly sat up off of you and stretched out his arms. Your heart rate increased out of anxiety and you tried your hardest to slow it down and take deep breaths before Peter could notice.

"Are you okay, Y/N?" he asked gently and you took a moment of hesitation before looking over at him with a big smile.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, I just had a feeling," he mumbled skeptically.

"Your spidey-sense must be a little off then," you chuckled. He laughed a bit too but you could tell it was fake. You were starting to worry that he would catch on sooner than you expected. He was too good at reading you.

"Yeah, I guess."

His words scared you. He almost sounded mad or like you had upset him. Had you upset him?

Before your thoughts could run on any further he broke the tension by talking again.

"Alright well you get dressed real quick and I'm gonna go make breakfast. Pancakes sound good?"

Your heart stopped.

"Um my stomach is actually upset, i might do like oatmeal or something instead." You tried to find a way out but it was flimsy at best.

"You hate oatmeal." You wished he remembered less about you.

"It's grown on me!" That was a full lie. You hated that this stupid thing made you lie to everyone you loved.

"Y/N, do you promise that you would tell me if something was wrong?" He was trying to get reassurance that you were okay. You knew that your voice would break if you tried to talk, the panic and anger at yourself constricting your lungs. You nodded enthusiastically instead, he also hopefully wouldn't be able to tell if you were lying. He hummed in acknowledgment of your answer. "Okay, oatmeal it is. I'm still making pancakes for myself though and I might try to convince you to eat just one cause it's good for your soul. Do you want sugar or maple syrup in your oats?" He asked cheerfully. You smiled at him as best you could.

"No that's okay, I'll add stuff when I get down there. I'm gonna go to the bathroom really quick and I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay, sweet girl. No rush," he reassured. You smiled again and he left the room. As soon as he was gone you made your way to the bathroom and quickly got out the scale.

You went to the bathroom and took off every scrap of clothing you had on. You set it down quietly and stood on it, holding your breath. You were up from yesterday by .3 pounds. Your heart sunk. You adjusted your eating schedule for the day accordingly in your head. You took a few deep and slow breaths before heading out and downstairs to the kitchen. Peter had made the pancake batter and he was boiling water on the stove for your oatmeal. He looked up when you walked down and smiled.

"Hey! I will have a pancake appetizer ready in a minute, your oats are gonna be done in 5."

"Thank you, Peter." You smiled at him. He beamed.

"You're so beautiful in the mornings," he mumbled, almost under his breath.

You blushed and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek before going to the coffee maker and pouring yourself a mug.

"Oh, there's creamer in the fridge, I saw that we were out so I got some more." You cringed at how considerate he was being and that you were shooting all of it down. You had thrown away the creamer so that it wouldn't tempt you and now it was back in the fridge.

"Ok, bubs. Thank you." You smiled and gulped before opening the fridge door and grabbing the creamer. You discreetly glanced at the nutrition facts and serving size and you felt nauseous. You took a breath and poured a tablespoon into your coffee, mentally adding it to the tracker of calories in your head. You brought your mug to the kitchen counter Peter was at and hoisted yourself onto it so you could be near him. You cringed at the way your thighs looked on the counter when you sat down.

"Here, bunny." He mumbled as he brought a fork full of pancake toward your face. You tensed and tried to keep your heart steady. You did your best to gauge how big of a bite he was trying to feed you and if it had syrup and then you very gingerly leaned forward and took the bite off the fork. You kissed his forehead with pancake still in your mouth and you started to chew.

You were doing everything in your power to not think about how it felt. How the sugar stuck to your throat and the pancake felt like a rock in your stomach. You added the bite to the tally. He was occupied putting your oatmeal in a bowl before he put it next to you on the counter along with some maple syrup that he pushed forward. He looked at you expectantly as he started to eat more of his plate of pancakes. It looked so much better than your oats. You gulped and added a very small amount of maple syrup to the oats. You would just have to eat less of them in order to balance it out again. You mixed the syrup into the oats and looked back up at Peter who had his eyebrows furrowed. You tilted your head in questioning. He shook his head and went back to his pancakes.

The rest of the breakfast went in a similar fashion, Peter offering you bites and you reluctantly eating them, barely picking at your oatmeal. Peter seemed skeptical throughout the whole thing. By the end, you volunteered to do dishes and Peter agreed. He left the room to grab his phone from your bedroom and you took the opportunity to shove the remainder of the oatmeal into the garbage can, guilt filling you. You did the dishes efficiently and thought of what to do. You were considering the gym, you felt the need to burn calories after the seemingly huge breakfast.

You waited for hours, finding a way to skip lunch, before you even mentioned it.

"Hey, Peter? I think I might go to the gym," You suggested, thinking he would probably just let you and he would stay to do the schoolwork you knew he was behind on.

"Do you wanna come to the gym at the compound?" Peter gushed excitedly. He had talked about their new setup and how fun it was to work out there. You were nodding before you had even thought about it. You were dreading having him monitor you so that he could see if you were overworking yourself and he would have to see how weak you were. Especially compared to that girl, Eve or whatever her name was.

Oh god. You would have to meet her. Peter would see you standing next to her and realize how much worse you looked than her. You quickly gave the excuse that you had to go change and ran upstairs, grabbing your clothes and rushing to the bathroom and locking the door.

You looked in the mirror. You somehow seemed a million times bigger than you had this morning. You felt bile rise in your throat. You tried to pull the tears in your eyes back and quickly changed with your back to the mirror. You caught a glance of yourself dressed on your way out of the bathroom and you sighed at your side profile. You tried to ignore the tears stinging your eyes as you stepped out. Peter was already ready to go, he had low riding sweatpants and a tight-fitting t-shirt that should have had you drooling. Instead, it only made your self-image worse. Why was he with you?

"You ready to go, bunny?" He asked and you nodded, not as enthusiastically as you hoped it to be. He led you downstairs, grabbed a couple of protein bars from the kitchen and a water bottle, and headed out the door with his car keys in hand. The drive there was a little quiet. You knew it was your fault and the guilt was eating you alive. He knew something was wrong and he just had no idea what it was. You were furious at yourself that this was something that he was being put through. That he would eventually find out and he would probably leave you over it.

When Peter pulled the car up to the compound, you both got out slowly, still quiet. Then a squeal came from the entrance of the compound and a figure was running towards the two of you.

She was in a tight-fitting catsuit, she resembled Natasha in her outfit. Her hair was long and blonde and she had legs that went on for miles. She looked like she should have been on a comic book cover. Or a magazine cover. She tackled Peter in a hug when she got close enough and your stomach dropped. Peter looked a little surprised but you didn't have much time to think about it before she was looking over at you with a smile that you knew was forced.

"Oh my god! You're Y/N, right?" She squealed. Her arms were still around Peter who was now fidgeting uncomfortably. You couldn't find it in yourself to give a verbal response. Instead, you tried to fake a smile and nod. She smiled and turned back to your boyfriend, kissing him on the cheek while still holding onto him. You found yourself looking at your shoes quickly, not being able to stand looking at your boyfriend and this beautiful woman fawn over each other. You wanted to be mad at him but you understood. You felt like you were lucky to have him in any state, even if it wasn't an ideal situation for you. His happiness was what mattered and if he needed her for that then you supposed it was okay. Even if it fueled the fire in you to look like her at any cost. Including the cost of your health. You just wished that they wouldn't do this in front of you.

You heard some talking between the two of them but your head stayed down, your eyes trained on your foot. Your hearing was muffled, it sounded like you were underwater.

You were pulled from your trance when a firm grip wrapped around your upper arm, you flinched at the contact. And then you cringed at what your arm must have felt like to Peter after having just held Eve.

"We are going home, okay?" He tried to get through to you but you furrowed your brows.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." You tried to reassure.

"Y/N, I was not okay with what just happened." he paused. "Do you understand that?" You found yourself shaking your head 'no' a bit, tears coming to your eyes as you started to feel like you were being scolded. "Bunny, can we go home and then talk about this there?" Peter seemed fidgety like he wanted to get out of there. You reluctantly nodded and got back into the car. The car was almost silent besides the quiet muttering of the radio. Peter's hand rested on your thigh. He was rubbing circles with his thumb and you knew it was in an attempt to comfort you but you thought you might throw up. Peter was too preoccupied to notice your discomfort so you sat through it until you got back to your apartment. Peter got out quickly to open the door for you and you meant to thank him but the words just didn't leave your mouth. You had yet to make eye contact with him since you saw him kiss Eve. Or saw Eve kiss him. Either way.

Peter led you inside the house, sat you down on the couch, and turned you sideways so you were facing him next to you. You looked at his leg while he tried to find words. You noticed a thread that was coming undone on his sweats and you reached forward to break it off. You managed to but suddenly heard Peter trying to call your name.

"Y/N?" He tried. "Where are you at?" He made a move to lower his head so that he could look at your eyes but you couldn't bring yourself to look at him. You were a ball of self-hatred, guilt, and shame. His hand found its way to your cheek and he gently rubbed under your eye with his thumb. He moved your head toward him and you managed to make eye contact for one second before pulling it away again. He sighed. You cringed at the thought that you were being difficult.

"Sorry." You felt yourself mumble.

"Why?" He seemed genuinely curious.

"For making this into a big deal."

"Honey, you are not making nearly a big enough deal about this."

"No, it's okay, I understand. You don't need to explain yourself."

"Explain myself?" He questioned and you finally managed to look into his eyes. He looked hurt. "You don't think that I wanted that to happen, did you?" He pleaded.

"No of course not", he sighed in relief, "not in front of me at least." You mumbled and he scoffed.

"What on earth are you talking about?" His voice was getting louder and you started to feel scolded.

"I'm sorry." You whispered and he calmed himself.

"Bunny, Y/N, I need you to listen to me okay? Can you look at me please?"

You lifted your gaze to match Peter's. His eyes were watery and sad. You imagined yours looked apathetic. You were saving your tears for later when they wouldn't have to be seen by another person.

"I did not want Eve to hug me like that and that has never happened before, let alone any of the other stuff she tried to pull just now. This was the first time she had shown anything but purely platonic interest in me and I would have not kept talking to her if I had known she was harboring any feelings." Peter was begging you to acknowledge his words. You just stared at him and nodded slightly. Unbelievingly. "Can you tell me what you thought was happening?" You took in a breath. Was he trying to make you cry? You didn't want to give the story of how you weren't worthy of him but he was asking for it and you were out of energy to prevent yourself from following directions.

"I just thought... I don't know, maybe you needed her." You mumbled.

"For what?!"

"To fill in the gaps."

"What does that even mean?"

"I just figured I wasn't enough and that... maybe you needed to see someone else to make dating me easier. And Eve is just so pretty and strong and thin-"

"Thin?" Peter had been horrified by every word out of your mouth but thin seemed out of place. He didn't understand how it was relevant.

"Yeah. She's skinny." You mumbled matter-of-factly.

"I know?" Peter questioned, "What does it have to do with anything?"

You tried to form words but none came out. You didn't know how to answer. How could he not see that that was the whole point?

"Do you think I want to sleep with her cause she's thin?" He sounded like he thought you were insane and you cringed at the thought of him being upset at you.

"I don't know." Your mumbling was nearly inaudible. You knew that he wanted you to say no, that there was some other reason.

"And you were going to be okay with that?!" He was almost shouting. You were staring at your lap and you felt tears start to fall. You cursed yourself for not having been able to keep them in. You didn't know how to convey that you would have gotten it if he had been seeing her because you wouldn't have been satisfied with you either.

"I don't know." You whispered again but this time your voice cracked and that seemed to snap Peter out of his angry state.

"Oh honey, I'm not mad at you."

You sniffled and nodded, still staring at your lap.

"Bunny, please, will you look at me?" You managed to look into his eyes and he softened at the sight of you so upset. He was horrified that he brought you to this state. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound upset at you. C'mere." He mumbled before reaching out, trying to grab your thighs to pull you onto his lap but you scurried away quickly, not wanting him to touch your body. You were scared he would come to his senses and be disgusted by you. He looked hurt by you pulling away but you couldn't help it.

"Why can't I hold you?"

"I just don't want to be touched right now please." You mumbled out, ashamed that the words were even coming out of your mouth.

"Of course I won't touch you if you don't want me to I just don't understand. Did I do something? Are you uncomfortable?" You could tell he was starting to spiral.

"No, I just-" You took a breath, "I just don't want you to touch parts of me that I think are bad cause then you might think that I'm..."

"I don't think any part of you is bad, Y/N." He asserted and you nodded, not actually believing him. "Where is this coming from?" You stayed silent. "Baby, please." He pleaded and you broke.

"I just don't like how I look." You mumbled.

"I don't understand that either but this isn't just insecurity. How is this having such a big impact on what you think I think of you?"

"It's just gotten a little worse recently."

"What has?"

"All of the stuff with like my body and eating and things." You regretted it once you said it.

"With eating?" He sighed deeply, his breath ragged. "Is that why you wouldn't eat pancakes this morning? Is that why you forced yourself to eat oatmeal?" You didn't make any move to answer him.

"Y/N, have you been eating enough?" On pure instinct, you nodded quickly but he gave you a look that said he knew you were lying. You still made no move to state otherwise. "How much have you been eating?" He questioned and you tensed a bit. You shrugged your shoulders, not knowing what kind of answer he wanted.

"Please." He begged and before you could think about it you were blurting it out.

"400." Immediately you drew in a sharp breath, why couldn't you have said that you'd skipped lunch or something, now he was going to think you were insane. To every other person in your life, for every year that this had been a thing, you had been able to lie about this stuff successfully. It was seemingly much more difficult to lie to Peter.

"400? What do you mean, calories?" the gears in his brain were turning. "Wait that's how much you've reduced? Or that's how much you ate?" You stared at your lap again. As if it was listening in for the worst time to interrupt, your stomach growled. Your eyed widened.

"Bunny, have you only had 400 calories to eat today?" Again you made no move to answer but that was answer enough. You could feel drops of tears hitting your hands and he moved his forward to grab yours slowly, giving you time to pull away. You let him grab your hands and pull them in between the two of you.

"I need you to understand something right now. I'm not angry at you. I'm not upset or mad or anything like that. I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I absolutely don't want to do that. But I'm worried. I want to make sure that you're okay and if you can I want to know why this is coming up. And if there's anything I can do to make it easier." You almost sobbed at how kind he was being. "Would eating something help?" He asked, thinking maybe part of the reason you were so upset was cause you were hungry but you quickly shook your head, making yourself dizzy. "Okay, you don't have to, it's okay," he reassured. He rubbed the back of your hands and waited patiently for you to say anything.

"It's been a thing for me for a while I guess." You paused. Were you really going to go into this right now? "When I was younger I was surrounded by a lot of stuff that told me that I should diet and be thin and I thought that's just how things went. Everyone else seemed to be able to do it in a way that didn't take over their life but it just became me and it was awful." You were whispering and there were tears on your face. You knew that if you needed time before you told him this that he would be okay with it. That he didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Still, it felt like he should know.

"But I saw results and that was what mattered. And then I came to college and it got so much worse and I just- I thought that I would be happier if I was thinner. It got really bad. It was my life. And then I met someone who helped me through it. She brought me to recovery and I'd been in recovery for a few months before I met you. And you were so nice and I didn't even think about it so I gained weight and I was okay with it because I was so sure that you loved me despite my body. So for the last year, I've been pretty okay. Not perfect but I can keep it in check and I thought I had grown out of it." You grew silent.

"What brought it back up?" He asked quietly and you paused. You didn't necessarily want to tell him why.

"It's not your fault, okay?"

"Oh god" He groaned and you cringed.

"It was a lot of things. School got really hard, for both of us, so you just weren't around as much. And that's totally okay and you have lives to save and I was never upset about that but then it felt like you were spending a lot of time away from home and I just thought that it was to be away from..."

"From you." He breathed out to complete your sentence and you didn't move to affirm or deny. "And then I started talking about Eve cause I was excited to have someone my age on the team." He groaned, hitting himself for not having thought about these things before they happened.

"It's okay-"

"No, it isn't." You stayed quiet. "It isn't okay. I should have been more considerate. I should have been here. And most importantly, I don't know why you would have been okay with it if I had been seeing Eve. What would it have taken for you to break up with me?"

You didn't reply. You didn't know honestly. You were at a point where your self-esteem was so low that you thought you might have deserved anything.

"Oh, bunny. I'm so sorry." He mumbled and you looked up at him.

"It's okay-" He started to interrupt you but you put a finger up to stop him. "I should have told you. I should have told you a year ago that this was a part of my life and that it was inevitably going to be a part of yours."

"I swear that I wasn't spending time away from you on purpose. And you are absolutely a priority for me. I should have been making more of a conscious effort to be home. And there were never any non-platonic intentions with Eve, I hadn't even considered what you must have thought about me talking about her all the time," he assured and you sniffled. There was a long pause.

"Is there anything... I mean, is there anything I can do to help?" Peter asked and you tilted your head a bit. "Like is there anything I can do to make getting better easier?"

'Getting better'. You hadn't thought about that yet. You hadn't been thinking about the fact that this meant that you had to recover. You hadn't made any move to speak, too stuck in your thoughts.

"Is that not..." He took a breath, "something you're able to do right now?" You nibbed on the inside of your bottom lip as you thought.

"I can try." You finally decided.

"That's enough. That's all I could ask for."

"If you're looking for ways to help-"

"I am, anything."

"Eating with me maybe. It makes me feel like I'm not eating too much or that I don't have to feel as guilty about it." Peter nodded eagerly. "Maybe if you could not comment on when my body looks different? Like if you were to say that you liked my nose or my height or even my thighs or something eventually then that's okay but if you notice me getting smaller or bigger or if my body looks a certain way in an outfit, even if it's positive, I probably shouldn't hear it. It makes me really conscious of my body and the fact that you're noticing changes in it."

Peter hummed in acknowledgment. You noticed his fingers still rubbing circles on the backs of your hands.

"If you could put the scale where I can't get to it and maybe if we could cover up some of our mirrors for just a while, I know it's inconvenient but..."

"Consider it done." He assured and you let the side of your mouth form a smile. "I hadn't even realized we had a scale out." He mumbled.

"Do you mind if I ask you something else?" He wondered and you nodded. This conversation was getting easier by the minute. You felt like a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. "How does it all work, like in your head? Is it automatic or do you have to really think about it or...?"

"It's automatic. Once it starts rolling, it's really hard to stop. I know how many calories most things are and I'm pretty good at guessing measurements so I will just start tracking in my head, even if I don't mean to or want to. I don't see myself in the mirror like how I actually look either. I know it. I can look at myself and then eat something and I swear that I look 10 times bigger. That's why mirrors are stressful." He nodded in understanding and you swore you felt so lucky. How had you gotten a man like this? "Can I sit on your lap now?"

Peter nodded enthusiastically as he held his hands out, waiting for you to instigate your movement. With some assistance, you maneuvered yourself so you were straddling Peter's thighs, face buried in his chest. You were unconsciously trying to hover over him a bit to not put your full weight on him. Peter noticed.

"You can sit all the way down, you know." He smirked and you took a deep breath before letting all of your weight rest on his thighs. Instead of crying out in pain or screaming about how you were too much weight, he smiled wide. "There. Isn't that comfier?" You nodded.

You were exhausted, it had been such a long day and you hadn't eaten much to fuel you. Before you were able to rest your head all the way onto his chest, Peter put his hands on the backs of your thighs.

"Is it okay if I move us to the kitchen?" You slowly nodded in response. You knew that logically, he was an enhanced person who could lift over 10x his body weight but your heart still rose into your throat at the thought.

Peter stood up with you wrapped around his body. He seemingly effortlessly carried you into the kitchen where he set you on the countertop. He got out a Gatorade from the fridge and a jar of pickles and turned to you. He held them up for you until you pointed at the pickle jar. He opened it as he brought it over to you and you reached in to grab one. You could see that he had a curious look in his eye.

"5 per half." You mumbled, answering his unasked question. He glared a bit at you and scolded himself for encouraging you to engage in the behavior he wanted to help you stop. Still, you giggled a bit and felt a little better when you had something in your stomach.

"Do you want anything else?" He tried to ask it in a way that didn't sound prescriptive, you could tell. You didn't want to disappoint him so you took a deep breath.

"Could you grab me a granola bar too?" He beamed at you and nodded and quickly fetched one. He gave you a look that said not to do it but at this point, it was just fun to tease him. "105." You mumbled with a smirk and he furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at the box. His eyes widened for a second before he squinted at you again.

"You shouldn't be doing that anymore, I'm supposed to be helping." He grumbled.

"You are. You're making me laugh." You smiled and tilted your head. His facial expression didn't change but his cheeks turned pink and you giggled.

"I love you. You know that right?" He stared into your eyes and your heart rate picked up.

You nodded hesitantly. You had managed to slowly convince yourself over the past weeks that Peter didn't actually like you or want you around. And especially that he didn't love you. You knew it was illogical but that didn't really matter. He sighed and some of the bad feelings came back up. Had you made him angry at you?

"I am telling you right now that I love you. You are someone that I am planning on loving until the end of time. You are amazing to me, I love your body because it belongs to the person I am in love with. You could look any way, change in any way, and I would love you no less. I am planning on being here every day so that I can make sure that you remember that. Alright?" He was whispering by the end of his words and he had come forward so that he was standing between your thighs where you were sat on the counter. You smiled a bit.

"Alright." You nodded. He smiled at you sadly.

He made good on his promise and told you how much he loved you every day after that.

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