accio-hogwarts-bullshit
accio-hogwarts-bullshit
Accio Hogwarts Bullshit
A variety of bullshit Hogwarts houses say from time to time | Submissions are OPEN
1833 posts
Last active 3599s ago
accio-hogwarts-bullshit · 22 hours ago
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Ravenclaw: If you drank 42 cups of coffee in a sitting, it would kill you.
Slytherin: So the limit is 41.
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Hufflepuff: “Beware of the dog”, they say. Of course I will be aware of the dog. I love dogs. I am aware of all dogs.
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Gryffindor: My moral alignment is chaotic lawful.
Slytherin: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Ravenclaw: They have a strict moral code but no one can figure out what the fuck it is.
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Gryffindor: If you're at my funeral and you think it's a little boring, just spice it up. Drink a little too much. Flirt with a few people here and there. Start a fight. It's what I would've wanted.
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Ravenclaw: You know the sound a fork makes in a garbage disposal?
Hufflepuff: *nods encouragingly*
Ravenclaw: That is the sound my brain makes all the time.
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Ravenclaw: Look, I'm glad we're all on the same page.
Ravenclaw: But it’s the last page in a book titled “We’re all going to die”.
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When you turn 18, people are gonna try and tell you to buy drugs or cigarettes because you can. No. You know what else is legal to buy at 18? Blades. Get yourself a damn sword. A big knife is also okay.
Gryffindor
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Gryffindor: Three of the four elements are represented as types of hockey. Air hockey, ice hockey, and field hockey. Fire hockey needs to be a thing.
Ravenclaw: Fire hokey absolutely does NOT need to be a thing.
Gryffindor: Do you care NOTHING for the balance of the four elements?
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Hufflepuff: How do you do that?
Gryffindor: I'm fearless.
Ravenclaw: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
Gryffindor: I'm mostly fearless.
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Gryffindor: How are you so smart?
Ravenclaw: Oh, I'm not.
Ravenclaw: I actually have no idea what I'm doing, I'm just trying to make sure none of you guys die.
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Hufflepuff: Gryffindor and Slytherin are screaming and shouting outside, don’t you think you should do something?
Ravenclaw: You're right, I should.
Ravenclaw: *closes the window*
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Ravenclaw: You guys are not making my life easy right now.
Gryffindor: Do we ever?
Ravenclaw: Good point.
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Ravenclaw: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Gryffindor: I insulted Slytherin in front of Hufflepuff.
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Hufflepuff: If I were you, I'd let it go.
Slytherin: No, I love my grudges. I tend to keep them as little pets.
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Ravenclaw: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.
Gryffindor: Removing the dust, idiot.
Ravenclaw: That's not how it works.
Gryffindor: Well, I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free. Not sure where you're getting your facts from.
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Gryffindor, to Slytherin: You think you're a better kisser than me? You think you're a better cuddler? Come over here and prove it, punk.
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Ravenclaw: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small.
Slytherin: I would say infinitesimally.
Gryffindor: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words.
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