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Silence
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You don't know what battles I am fighting
You don't know the ones I am winning and losing
You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter
You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails
You don't know if I am having nightmares
You don't know if my mornings are even fair
You just know I speak less
You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead
You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell
You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take
I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe
But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play
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To the hopeful soul
The world is pretty miserable around but recently I found some hope, it was not some mental thought but a person. We tend to derive positive emotions from the people who are close to us or those we love but this person was actually nothing more than an acquaintance, he was neither my love nor my friend or family. He was just an acquaintance, a person who was around me because he was supposed to be. Now coming to why he was a ray of hope. While growing up we start losing our innocence, our happy vibe and energy, we get burdened by responsibility and so on but this person was different, he was in his 20s but his eyes were innocent as a 2 years old, he was also going through enough but his smile was enough to wash your pains. This feeling I got while being around him was different, he was warm as a winter sun. It never felt like things would go wrong around him, I know I was in a different place then but he was enough to give me hope.
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Two cups of coffee is all I need
But only one cup for me
The other one for someone I really wanna meet
Someone who pays heed
Till then let the coffee rest
Till then I will hope for the best
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So you left me
I realised late
Ah! That was always my fate
I know I ignored you first
But what you did was worst
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What feminism means to me?
Whenever I come across a new word, my first approach towards understanding it, is through the kind of words it is related to or the impression that word has on me. And only when I don't find either of it, I go for the dictionary. So, when I came across this word "FEMINISM" my basic approach told me that it is a word related to females and it's impression was that, it is related to some bigger cause. Therefore for a very long time the meaning of feminism for me was supporting women and their growth. But little did I know that this small word means something completely different.
Feminism as I now know is supporting equal rights to both the sexes. Yes, the meaning I earlier made out really seems correct because eventually females are the oppressed class and if we help them grow then the meaning of feminism will be fulfilled. But still this approach lacks the real essence. I mean personally I don't want a single place to give women preferential treatment, I don't even like the reserved seats in bus for women, because if you are reserving seat for women then why not you label the other seats as reserved for men. The truth is even if we ask the government to label the other seats as men's seat they won't, because it will make men look weak, it will make them look as the class of society who needs preference/reservation in such basic things, especially when they are "strong" enough to stand in the bus all through the journey (which they definitely don't do but they are strong enough). I think labelling seats as reserved for pregnants, sick patients and elderly is the correct approach. I don't know what you think but for me indirectly getting labelled as weak who needs support is not feminism at all.
I know that we are not biologically same, we have our differences and no matter what, they won't change. But when men and women can climb the same Mt. Everest, why can't they achieve the same respect in society. My question is why does a female manager gets less wages than a male manager, even when the man manages just his office while a woman manages her family and office together. I have heard people discuss greatly of single dads but a woman is always a single mom. I agree that time is changing dads are more involved now but still in most of the Indian households it is still the mother who is responsible for a child's health, education, upbringing, etc the only contribution dad's have is giving money and majority of women can earn that also now. Still I haven't heard a single person saying "she brought up her kid alone". So no appreciation at work or home for females, and that's precisely what needs to be changed.
There are so many causes which we take under the movement of feminism but in reality belong to the movement of humanity. Do you think domestic violence is something feminists should fight for or humanists should fight for? Like as a feminist I must have one approach that I don't care if domestic violence is considered correct but if it is correct then women should also get a chance and not be judged for beating up their husbands. Like that is what we are asking "equal rights". So for me it is something humanists should fight for and not feminists. I guess you would have understood by this description that there are so many things, so many instances and moments where we women are not even treated like humans. So, yes how can we jump on getting equal rights if we are not even getting basic human rights.
This is why the meaning of feminism is so blurry because we have to fight for basic rights first then only we can aim for equal rights. In all this, I am still against reservation for women because anyhow labelling us weak is not true to the essence of feminism. I am clearly against undermining the good men by accusing "all men". I am against not fighting those women who act even worsely than men and are the biggest hater of a woman's growth. So today and everyday I ask the world to treat me as they would treat a woman, but to end all differences between a man and a woman. I think most of the women, girls, females want the same thing.
In an ideal world I hope that all men and women are equally appreciated, supported and treated. I hope there are more scenarios where we act as humans and not men or women. I hope we could clear the gender boundaries at workplaces, public places and become more respectful of each other. We don't have to worry because all consider each other as humans respect each other's rights and existence. Most importantly we don't have to fight for basic human respect.
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Balance
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I was trying to create balance,
No wonder it was a challenge,
I was choosing all the rights,
I was just trying to be white.
Although it was tiring,
My conscience was firing,
Doing all the virtues,
Was something like a painful curfew.
But one day I slacked,
And my efforts started to lack,
Surprisingly everything got easy,
Only my conscience was a bit squeasy.
But it was not hurting,
So i decided not to try diverting,
Soon the wrongs got too much,
Without even realizing good was lacking touch.
Vices took the hold,
Introspecting was now too bold.
Soon new strategy was needed,
Because my heart pleaded.
So i took a side stage,
Not acting to any rage,
But was it a vice or a virtue,
I was now ready for rescue.
Someone came and told that the answer in within,
Please open your heart’s bin.
I thought and overthought,
Was it the trouble where I got caught?
Did I choose vices to lose the hard work?
Was I not seeking good for the perk?
But who decides what is right and wrong?
Is there anyone that strong?
My heart had a single answer to these,
You can do as you please.
Till its not hurting anyone,
Not today, not tomorrow or ever in the long run.
Neither too much of virtues nor too much of vice,
You should have a bit of every slice,
You get to choose you,
You get to help the queue.
Balance is the only thing,
It will be hard and will even sting.
Still we need to fight,
And follow our path of light.
Vices and virtues don't get a say,
It is us with whom the decision stays.
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My best friend
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Writing my heart out was never easy
But her friendship was so breezy
I first met her on the school bus
She had a lot of questions to buzz
Who was I, why was I so
I was new so she did not know
We got to talking slowly
The bond was new but cozy
We became close
Just two nut heads with screws loose
She became candid
Although my shyness still bid
She was never the perfect soul
But I appreciated her flaws in its whole
People told me she is imposing
I just thought that people were intruding
Many hated her for being honest
But for me her honesty brought us closest
I never knew a person who could speak her heart out
She was different without a doubt
She was a critic at best
She always reviewed me like the rest
We are poles apart
But still together at heart
We had the greatest blast
With her i even wished for the uncomfortable bus trips to last
We never found a medication to our condition
But it gave a lot of happy moments to our edition
It was so easy with her
She never bothered if my answer was contrasting with her
We were comfortable in our skin
We never expected each other to be akin
We have been close through ups and downs
Even talking once a few months didn't bring our friendship to ground
She always said seven years are all we need
After that nobody can break our bond even if they bleed
I didn't take it seriously ever
But now it is a truth forever
Today she means a lot
I never regret doing something for her even as much as a dot
I am willing to be her safety net
I will always be in her debt
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The best thing about characters of a book is not what they do in the book, it's the little backstory about them. The story that makes them what they are in the book. No character is beautiful without their backstory. And ain't it the same with humans??
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It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.
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Found the diagnosis to my problems...
Autophobia
Morbid fear of solitude, or of being left alone, abandoned or ignored.
P.S.: Solitude is often good but the rest are just dreadful.
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Didn't say goodbye?? Why??
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Life is a journey indeed but why are we supposed to keep on moving and moving. Journey is about enjoying, feeling and then moving, taking stops when you need to, being able to get tired, being able to feel refreshed, being able to make connections, and most importantly being able to say goodbye to one stop and then move on to the next.
But I guess in the journey of life neither have I received enough goodbyes to forget people, nor I have got enough time to say goodbyes to enough people. I hate when people ABSQUATULATE. I hate when I ABSQUATULATE. But is it anyone's fault?
Life is running so fast that we are always afraid of missing on something in future, even if we are missing on our present for it. Our ambitions make us run from people we love, we leave without saying goodbye because we don't realise we are leaving, we think we are around but by the time we look back, we have actually reached miles and miles away. Away from the people we thought we will never leave.
We think that the person who is now miles away might have moved that distance on his own, maybe you were still at the same place but the other one has drifted apart. But no one knows for sure because you didn't say goodbye first and neither did the other person. So now you don't know how to ask if it was you that moved faraway or if it was them.
You are tired now you want to sit and think but life is still moving, you are still afraid of missing things if you stop. You again absquatulate and move on. And the cycle continues...
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Rape is multifaceted
*TRIGGER WARNING*
I heard somewhere, 'Rape is not about sex it's about violence and dominance.' and I couldn't agree more, but this also made me think that there are so many forms of rape, it's not only physical but mental, social and emotional.
Whenever a girl is told that she should not do something because she is a female, she gets mentally raped, whenever a girl is not given equal respect in society, she gets socially raped and whenever all this continues, she gets emotionally raped. It's not like only men are raping women but I think women are a part of this too, in reality it's the whole patriarchy. I don't think there is a single woman who has not been raped in some form, atleast once by this patriarchy and like physical rape it leaves pain, wounds and kill us from within.
I know rape is a heavy word and I should not use it like this and sorry if it triggers anyone but for me what women go through on a daily basis is also not that simple. It's just my thoughts and nothing more.
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Suicide
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As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.
But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.
Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.
Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.
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Someone asked about my ideal type and I didn't know what to say.
I only knew a single name that I didn't want to take.
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Sometimes it hits you exactly in your core. The realisation that you just not have that one person with whom you are never going to be angry, the person who gets your mood even before you realise, and someone to whom you can rant everything out.
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The wish to be alone is so wierd, you try to forget so many people and end up remembering so many things at once.
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My Turn
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It's so confusing
Today was my day of refusing
But that person took my turn
It feels like burn
I always used to think
Why me getting angry or depressed used to bring my mother to brink
Now it seems so obvious
She must have been holding a lot of stuff that's serious
Because that's what is happening with me each day
I am going through a lot but keeping my emotions at bay
It's easier to tackle things around
If only the people near you are not pulling you to ground
I wake up and try to smile
But even a single person being sad and angry makes me think a mile
It feels like cheating to me
I have so much to feel, how are they even beating me
Someone said your coping mechanisms' great
But I need to express is what I felt
Faking my emotions so others don't feel depressed
Is too much of a burden as I read
Sometimes I am on the verge of breakdown
But someone else grabs the sad crown
I feel so betrayed
I even dread
I know it's attention seeking clearly
But it was my time to show my problems dearly
You took that away
Now I have no idea how to get my way
I don't know if it's wrong
But when one person is sad I think I don't have the right to sing my sad song
So I keep on storing
And it's easy enduring
But again one day someone is at dismay
I start feeling the angst because even though I wasn't planning to say
That person seems to have taken my turn
And I have got the burn
So I get angry and depressed
I don't try to show it but it gets expressed
No I am not copying anyone
It just me feeling that I didn't get a chance to express to someone
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