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adorkabledw · 3 years

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Stop The Sinking

My depression sometimes feels like quicksand. The more I struggle and thrash around trying to escape? The deeper I sink in.

The only way to fight it is to realize you cant completely escape it.

Sometimes you have to just stop thrashing about and just lay completely still so that it slows down the sinking.

I have some amazing friends that are also going through some pretty serious life events themselves: Surgery, work site accidents, new jobs, big interview opportunities and I feel like a piece of shit for not being present for them.

I wish they could understand that I am not ignoring them. It's not that I don’t want to talk to them. When I disappear and drop off the grid it's because I'm trying to get back to a neutral state of mental health.

The encouraging part is that DEPRESSION IS NOT A PERMANENT FEELING. Depression is a lot like physical pain. Eventually it gets to the point of no longer being debilitating. Eventually you build up emotional callus's and your hurt becomes armor for the next wave of depression.

If anyone is even reading this then please use my experience as a lesson. Some people don’t know how to heal in a group of people. Please have patience and know that it's not personal.

They are just laying still. Trying to stop the sinking.

-DW

#depression #mentalwellness #beherenow #writers on tumblr #my writing #self healing #positivity #blog post #positive thoughts

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adorkabledw · 3 years

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The Two Times...

They say you die twice. Once when they bury you in the grave. And the second is the last time someone mentions your name.

Part one has never frightened me. Part one is the easy step. It's part two that would keep me up at night.

A long time ago, examples of the legacy I wanted to leave behind were self serving and meaningless. I NEEDED be remembered as a great comedian. To be remembered as a great writer, promoter, artist, lover, inspirerer. I wanted those things because I was a naive person that believed them to be worthy pillars to hold up my legacy.

But that all changed the day my nephew Roman was born. It was the first time everything clicked into place. As if my purpose was a puzzle piece I had been trying to force into place and then Roman showed me I was holding the piece backwards.

My condition is genetic. This monster hiding in the shadows just biding it’s time until it decides at random to appear. I would literlly wake up in a full blown panic attack. Afraid that my Sister's child was going to be cursed with my condition.

My Sister Lorena does not have my condition. Not a single female in our family has it. My brother in law Chris has no history of any vascular conditions. My older brother Brandon had a small, non invasive version of the condition and then it skipped three other siblings before I was "chosen."

I was terrified that my nephew was going to be chosen as well. I would pray to God. Please don’t. I remember when Lorena went into labor I was trying to be a supportive and a positive presence through text and calls. But privately I was bargaining with God.

Then Roman was born. Not a scratch on him. Perfect. The only blues Roman has been saddled with is his crystal blue eyes.

I knew that kids for me was something I was never going to have myself. I refuse to pass on this condition to a child who is depending on being protected by their parent, not cursed.

“You don’t know for sure that your child will have the condition!”

Yes that is true. I also don’t know for sure if Russian Roulette will kill me but I am not taking those odds.

Every single time I look at Roman and Juliana I know that my only purpose is protecting them. Being Roman and Juliana's Uncle is the most important thing I will ever do in my life.

The biggest fear I have been haunted with over the last 5 years has been the prospect of not being remembered by Roman and Juliana when I'm not around anymore. I didn't want to be this memory that they had to be reminded of because I made such little of an impression.

I'm not afraid of that anymore because I see so much of my sarcasm and humor in Roman. I see so much of my creativity and enthusiasm in Juliana. They rewrote my purpose in the best way possible.

I wish I could go back to Dustin before Roman and Juliana and tell him I have modified the quote to better encompass what is ahead of him.

They say you live twice. Once when you are born. The second when you discover the REASON you were born.

-DW

#positivity #be here now #destiny #blog post #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #legacies #legacy #uncle #niece #nephew #inspiration #inspire #inspirational

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adorkabledw · 3 years

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Sometimes I lose sight of myself.

I try so hard to stay positive but sometimes negativity can rack up a winning streak. But nothing is forever. Eventually you will make it out the other end and it’s important that you remind yourself that you are worthy. That it’s ok not to be ok. It takes time to trek through the negativity. It can be like quicksand but if you stay true to yourself and believe you are meant to be then you will come out of it a stronger and more positive person.

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