agrophobicmaniac

[agrophobicmaniac]

I was getting ready to go and stay at my boyfriend’s house, just had to pack my bag and get dressed. All of a sudden, my apartment phone rang (you can ring my doorbell out on the street and it rings that phone - I can talk to you and press a button to let you in). I thought it was my boyfriend who just arrived early and had forgotten his key... but it wasn’t. I answered the phone, and asked who it was. I couldn’t understand what they said, it sounded like a completely different language. At that point I wasn’t worried, and put the phone down; I just carried on getting ready to leave. A couple of minutes later, phone rang again. And again. And again. I still wasn’t worried at all, I actually felt quite annoyed. As the fun fair was on, I thought that it was definitely some stupid kids having a laugh or something, but I couldn’t of been more wrong. I answered the phone again and told them to fuck off, and then I hung up. I decided to have a look out of my bedroom window - which looked out onto the street - and try to see who it was. It was a man.

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[agrophobicmaniac]

My life carried on like that for a few weeks. The pressure was just building up and up at work, so much was expected of me. I just couldn’t do it. The funfair was going on in town (my apartment was blocked by it. I had to crawl behind a ride to get to my front door) over a period of 3 days. It was the second year that I’d lived in the middle of town while the fair was on, so I knew what sort of thing to expect. Although, this year was different... something was about to happen that I wasn’t ready for. And I believe that it is the event that would change my life, in the worst way possible.

#mental illness #mental health #mentalheathawareness #invisible illness #dear diary #tumblr diary #diary entry #diary #online diary #funfair #wholesome #anxiety #panic disorder #depression #Spotify

[agrophobicmaniac]

I always used to smoke a lot, which I did to calm my anxiety. But at this point, it was just habit. I smoked all of the time: when I woke up in the morning, on the way to work, on my lunch break, when I got home, and before I went to bed. I wish I never did. Work started to get a bit stressful, as I had to study a lot for my exams in professional mixology while I took masterclasses. I started not wanting to turn up to my shifts anymore, and always being late. But I’d been working so god damn hard to be qualified, so I just carried on. I should of just left. I don’t deal with stress very well at all, and everything was just a bit too much.

#diary entry #dear diary #anxiety #depression #mental health #mental illness #stressful

[agrophobicmaniac]

So this time 2 years ago, I lived in the middle of town, above a co-op store. It was my first apartment that wasn’t shared with other teenagers (I lived in supported accommodation for 3 years, and this was the last stage until I was able to get a council property). I’d just turned 18, and I was doing really well - considering what I’d been through. I was extremely confident in my own skin, and very outgoing. I worked 14 hour shifts every other day at a fancy cocktail bar which I worked so hard for. My place of work took about 25 minutes to get to by bus, it was on the roof terrace of a busy shopping centre. I absolutely loved going to work and paying my own bills, all by myself, for the first time in my life. It seemed like my life was pretty good. I was on 100mg of antidepressants a day (sertraline), which made me feel quite numb, most of the time. I took them for my anxiety mainly, which was pretty minimal at this point. I wish I could’ve prepared myself for what was to happen.

#Spotify #mental illness #mental health #anxiety #depression #lifestyle #blog post #diary entry #dear diary

[agrophobicmaniac]

My life has taken a massive turnaround in the past 2 years. Some things for the worst, and some for the best. I don’t really know how to feel about it all, to be quite honest. It’s all very overwhelming and difficult to process. I don’t even know who I am now... or maybe I just never knew who I was before - I am in desperate need of finding myself. But at least I can say that I’m trying my best to understand and adapt to my completely new life, and that’s all that matters.

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