alabasterjarr

[alabasterjarr]

Spring is here

My last blog post was back before Corona took over the U.S. 

I never imagined the virus to be so destructive in our lives. Since late March, everyone was quarantined to their homes. My entire family had to stay at home because of the drastic consequences of the pandemic. 

Good News: I finally got my Masters in Social Work! I cannot believe my schooling is over now. No more group projects, class presentations, class papers...it’s like a a dream. Everything STILL feels so surreal. Of course, no graduation ceremony. No big celebrations. No parties. But small victories are still victories. 

Bad News: Clearly, the virus. ‘Rona is affecting thousands of Americans, mostly People of Color. Of course. Because tragedy always strikes the most vulnerable and marginalized communities. I’m so sick of our country’s healthcare system, politicians, and leaders. We have an incredibly incompetent leader who chooses to blame whoever he can point fingers at and his advisors and opponents are just part of his schemes. Where is the righteous and just leader we need? 

I’m very stressed. Exhausted. My spiritual life continues to produce nothing. I cling to God, wondering if I am truly on the right path. My work as a mental health therapist is on hold, and I’m irritated. In this time, I know I need to call upon the Lord more than ever. Only He can provide for me. Only He can deliver me to the shores safely. 

Whatever comes, Only He can stop. 

#personal #social work #Christian #I need to continue to write or my health will deteriorate

[alabasterjarr]

Empty Shell

It’s February, a month that comes with many meanings: my parent’s anniversary, Valentines day, and Leap Day. 2020 started off on the right foot, but towards the end of January, I’m scrambling to catch myself from falling over a cliff. What’s that cliff you may ask? 

Well, a lot of things. 

But let me recapture some pertinent moments before the new decade hit me. I was in New York/New Jersey for about a week with my family so we could explore the city and also, my brother and I had signed up to attend our Church’s young adult winter retreat. 

To put it simply, I was renewed. Continually reading God’s Word and praying out loud to Him stirred up something in me. Hunger, Thirst, and Curiosity. Hunger for God’s presence, thirsty for his love, and curious about His character and plans for my future. I had a minimal trust bond with The Father, but after this winter retreat, I put in “all my chips.” I realized I could not just simply rely on God to deliver. I had to have 100% F A I T H God was going to do what was best for me. Even if best looked completely different than what I imagined. 

So I returned to Chicago and decided to face my battles with a faith that cannot be shaken. 

Well, the faith shouldn’t be shaken, but I certainly was due to my stress and fear of the unknown. My current internship is at an inpatient behavioral hospital with a supervisor that really needs the Love of Jesus. I was placed in the intake department, and for a few days, I actually enjoyed the change in routine. Just a few days. It only took a week for me to remind myself why I loathed this place so much in the beginning. 

Adding school on top of this mess was another kick to the stomach. The overwhelming readings, papers, and time just being wasted made me wish it was wild weather May. How was I supposed to spend 4 months of doing school work AND a miserable internship? Every night after dinner, I would pray it would be all over soon. 

Job searching was not supposed to be part of this catastrophe quite yet. But my close friend who we will call Wendy piqued my interest when she informed me her therapist told her an outpatient treatment center was hiring. Wendy gave me a short nudge to try applying. 

Now, my eyes were set on working in a general medical hospital full-time come May, so I kind of brushed my friend off. At first. A couple of days later, my anxiety got the best of me, so I checked out their website. I wasn’t completely sold, but I was impressed. I sent in a cover letter and resume and to make the story sweet and short....I interviewed and got the job offer only in a matter of weeks before January even ended. 

I was elated. Outpatient therapy was not my first choice, but I really liked the agency. Although it had its cons, I was won over by its supervision benefits, CBT training, and decent salary. Oh, and it was close to home (12 min drive!). 

God was too good to me. I signed the contract, and I no longer had to worry about searching for jobs come mid Feb and March where everyone else is hustling on indeed to apply for jobs. I was set. I could simply focus on school and internship and when I graduated, I already knew what my future looked like. I never imagined God to work in this way, but He sure did! My parents were so proud and excited. Including me, 4 people were hired. I was the only one that would start in the summer because I was still in school! Talk about a blessing. I honestly have no idea what the agency saw in me, but I believe God moved their hearts to pick me out of probably so many others. 

And...well...among the others was my friend, Wendy. She didn’t get the job offer. I was shocked. I really thought she and I would be able to work together, especially since the interview process was going so well for her. 

My friend was crushed. She was happy for me, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty, almost like I stole the job from her. I couldn’t shake my disappointment and guilt so I went into a momentary depression. Instead of thanking God, I was being selfish and thinking how this could reflect my friendship with Wendy. Instead of 100% trusting the Lord in the situation, I found myself sleeping long hours and sighing til Kingdom come. 

Which brings me to the title of today’s first post. 

Why am I such an empty shell? I would like to think I’m full of the Spirit, but in reality, there’s nothing in me. Just worldly desires, lust, and selfishness. Even with daily prayer, word, and a new devotional, I was not submitting myself to the Lord. 

It scares me to think that I could go my whole life living as a self-professed Christian only to one day find out I was never a true disciple. Even though I did what “Christians” should do, I was not producing any fruit because I was just filling myself. My own quota. I did what I thought was expected of me. I didn’t listen to God’s voice and it landed me in a dark, familiar place. 

I’m hurt to be honest. I think I make so much progress only to find out it was for self-pleasure. But God is a Loving Father, so He forgives me and just asks me follow Him. 

I’m an empty shell. But God works to fill me every moment, even if I don’t think so. And that’s all I can ask for. 

#personal #blog post #christian #social work #God is Good