alettertothose

[alettertothose]

Adjustments

Work has been rough on me mentally the past few weeks - at this point maybe even months. There has been a ton of change lately and it’s been difficult for me to adjust. A big part of the problem is how much I care of what people think of me. I want to continue to prove that I am good at my job, but when I do that I make my people who I think are my friends upset. 

I say I think these people are my friends because I simply don’t trust them. They all talk trash and although that all tell me I’m great and they love me, I just don’t believe it. The work place is toxic. I used to trust them until one person who I worked with closely basically told me they were upset that I was growing in my role and I didn't need them anymore I quote “became my own person”. Wouldn’t a real friend be happy for me? Wouldn’t a real friend not think selfishly about their friends success? 

To really put the cherry on top of adjustment disorder struggles at work - my days off changed. Because of my TA I was on the bottom of the bottom when it came to getting whatever days I wanted off during the week. I thought I had a chance to at least get a solid set of days but I was wrong. I got stuck with Tues/Wed off which, not to be dramatic, kind of ruins my life. I can't make it to movie premieres on Thursday without trying to alter my schedule myself of call-out. All of my doctors appointments have been scheduled for Thurs/Fri already. It’s obnoxious of me to ask my boyfriend to consistently work around my schedule instead, I can’t hang out with my friends, and my sister isn’t going to understand the boundaries of us having different days off. I had an emotional breakdown over it, and the next day I was asked to accept a status position. If I was asked only a few weeks earlier, I would’ve got the days I wanted off and avoided all of my emotional mess. 

Accepting my defeat

Accepting that this bad luck is simply just bad luck

Accepting that this is all out of my control

I was able to find some positives. Erik has WFH days he needs to use that he offered to use for me when I need a full day of him. I only have 2 “closing” shifts with this new schedule that still allows me to plan dinner with him and my other friends. Ali and I have Tuesdays off together so I can plan to really hang out with her more - she's a true friend. Having opposite days off than my sister will allow me to set boundaries at home easier - I may be able to slowly get her used to not being so dependent on me. I still have to find a way for her to be comfortable with me being with Erik so I can be honest with her and tell her that we want to move in together without her immediately feeling abandoned. The other positive about my new days off will be that I will rarely see my “work friends”. At first I was worried about not seeing them, because I wanted them to like and me and I wanted to be a part of their “group” - but since being around them I’ve noticed my mental health has not been at it’s best. I kept striving to make them happy rather than myself. I might be able to get scheduled for EA shifts with my new days off too!

The importance of a work/life balance is much more than a good schedule and good days off.

I’m going to therapy and I’ll be sure to address all of this with my therapist. 

[alettertothose]

Stop letting your sister's opinions have any validity. Sisters who make you feel “less than,” are not true sisters. They are jealous and mean. You must realize this and stop expecting anything from them. I know it's sad, but you have to avoid these people. Just because you've grown up with them, doesn't mean you are alike. Get yourself some books on self esteem, and completely ignore bitches who make you feel bad. They will reap their karma.

[alettertothose]

You’ve got to make a decision about her. Realize that you cant win, no matter what you do. She will always come at you with the polar opposite of whatever you chose to do. So just know that. Accept that, and decide that the only one who needs to be okay with your choices is you. We can’t change people. Life just doesn’t work that way. Could anyone change you without your permission?

Change the level of power you allow her to have over you. Obviously her opinion of you is something that you see as important. You have decided that. I’m not sure you realize this. You can make a different decision about that. It’ll take some practice, but very soon (sooner than you think) you will have groomed yourself for some independence from her and her opinions.

Do you see her and talk to her every single day? Maybe that’s not necessary. Sometimes we need a break, even from family. It sounds like you need to carve out some time for yourself. Time to make decisions based on what YOU want for YOU. Also? It’s okay for you to tell her that her opinion isn’t something you’re always interested in hearing. That if you want her opinion on how you’re living YOUR life, you’ll ask for it.

You are not a victim here, okay? You can change this by changing the way you frame her in your mind. She’s just a person. She doesn’t know any more than you do. You’re just as strong, and just as smart as you think she is. Yes, really!

[alettertothose]

Although I don't know your sister, people who are hypocritical and heartless are not valuing the people who are on the receiving end of their many objectionable behaviors.

The question is: what prompts such selfish behavior?

Scratch the surface and you will find someone who feels:

hurt (what happened in the past is subjectively felt to be painful)

anger (the unfairness of how she subjectively feels she was treated causes rage)

inadequate (others have been critical or punitive)

unsupported (positive reinforcement was lacking for qualities such as kindness and thoughtfulness)

envious ('Mom always liked you best and I hate you for that')

victimized ('Why me' self-pitying thoughts perseverated upon can lead to arrogant, hypocritical and heartless behavior)

a desire for revenge (can fuel heartlessness and hypocrisy)

As the sibling who is on the receiving end of such behaviors, you can try to talk to your sibling, but your feelings probably won't affect or change your sister's behavior, as she is someone who is so affected by past experiences that she acts as she does. Your feelings alone cannot change her experience of her past.

Unless you have contributed to her dysphoria, it isn't your fault. You can focus on other friends, activities, and interests while minimizing contact as much as you can.

It is the job of your parents to assess her behavior, and find a way as her parents to help her. Can you speak to them and ask them to get a family therapist to discuss the dynamics involved in your sister's behavior?

The impacts of such behavior on family members can be unsettling and disturbing. Family life can be a refuge of harmony and loving support. Or not. It is up to your parents to create an environment which is peaceful and welcoming to all.

[alettertothose]

“How do you deal with hypocritical and uses you? By taking care of yourself. Get involved with your life and when she “needs” you tell her you're busy doing things in your life and when you have some free time y'all can hang out. Don't allow her attitude dictate how you live your life. Enjoy yourself and let her problems with your life be her problem not yours.”

[alettertothose]

To my Parents

Dear Parents, I am writing this letter to let you know that i forgive you. I am forgiving you for all the times your made me feel like i was never good enough. I am forgiving you for the times in grade school you pressured me to be perfect, and compared me to my friends and other people in my class. I am forgiving you for making me like I didn’t have a say to pursue other interests than the ones you had planned for me Growing up in a small town was hard enough, and the pressure to be perfect from you made me feel like everyone else around me was judging me. Thankfully I have learned to grow out of some of those insecurities, but at 24 I come to realize you were only doing that to make me a better person. You both have always seen my potential and my talents, and just simply never wanted me to give up on them. For that I am thankful. At the time, I felt so frustrated and trapped because I was still trying to figure out who I was. But it turns out you could see the kind of person I was all along. Thank you,Becca

[alettertothose]

To my old Boss

Dear Barry, I am writing this letter to let you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for having me continually try to prove myself to you - whether that be through my work or my personal life or choices. I recognize now that there was never anything wrong with what I created for you, you simply did not like it because you did not think of the idea yourself. I also recognize that there was never anything wrong with my appearance, what I wore, or what I did - but simply only you opinion of it. I forgive you for constantly trying to insert yourself and your opinions into my life. I understand that you thought you were being friendly - but a true friend would never treat me as you did. To manipulate someone who just lost a job into thinking they were just hired for the opportunity of a lifetime - to only find out they would be working in a small office with no windows, and under constant pressure from no other deadlines but your own is extremely frustrating. I forgive you for thinking that you could cover up your wrong doing by completing nice gestures such as buying lunch or allowing us to leave early. I know that whatever you said or done was probably done with what you think are true and right intentions, but they never came across that way. I hope now, since I left, you realize that you lost a dedicated and ward-working artist that could’ve been creating great things for you company if only you gave me a chance to feel comfortable. I do forgive you for making me feel uncomfortable. Because I worked for you, now I know I how I never want to be treated. Every job and just a job, and i will no longer tolerate any of the behavior I encountered by you from anyone ever again.

[alettertothose]

To my Ex

Dear Devin, I am writing this letter to forgive you. I have decided to forgive you so I may officially and finally move on from our breakup two years ago. When I broke things off, it was because I realized (after time apart) that you simply were not the person for me. For 8 years, you controlled me and my decisions and took the time to make me feel guilty and bad about myself for reasons I may never understand. When I made that decision I was looking back on that 8 year relationship and it really hard for me to find anything worth hanging on to or saving. There was nothing to save. You repair something that was that badly broken to begin with. I understand that we were young, and maybe that was part of the problem, but I refuse to let you be one of my problems anymore. As I forgive you for all the times you made me feel worthless, or just simply an object, I am also forgiving myself. I blamed myself for all those years I was with you too. Thinking that I always did something wrong for you to treat me the ways that you did. With forgiving you, I forgive myself. I don’t want to blame myself for the pain you caused me anymore. Know that I am forgiving you but I am not forgetting you. I have to remember that time together to know all the ways in which I should never be treated again. I have to remember to never let myself tough it out, and go through that abuse again. Our time together was toxic, demeaning, and unhealthy. I am forgiving you to move on.I understand that you may never understand the damage that was done, but regardless I forgive you. I am forgiving you to finally at peace. I am forgiving you because you are no longer a problem I choose to have. 

[alettertothose]

Venting

I really don’t like what you said to me last night. So much so that I had an anxiety attack as soon as I laid in bed and didn’t go to sleep until 3am I realize that I offended you. And I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. But making nasty and  smart ass remarks to try to get under my skin to pick a fight was not necessary and it didn’t benefit either of us. And honestly, the things you said were triggering. You don’t know Erik. You don’t know that he’s nothing like Devin. It’s not right of you to even compare them. Devin manipulated me in more ways than one, and for you to think that my immediate text responses have any of the same meaning is simply not true. I HAD to text devin back immediately. I text Erik back because I want to. We actually have real conversations and i feel if I don’t respond to a question of his or anything of the subject we’re talking about in a timely manner it’s being rude. But I also realize that’s not so considerate of me towards you when we’re watching something either. But I also don’t want to be made out as the bad guy for being happy. Erik actually cares. He respects me. He’s so nice. But you wouldn’t know that because you never ask about him. You never ask about how I’m feeling about us. Every time I try to bring him up in conversation your entire mood changes. When I mentioned the Spider-Man movie to him he said he wanted to go. You bought the tickets too fast for me to ask you, and I’m sorry I really didn’t give you a choice. But he thought it was a great opportunity to meet you and I really do too. Last night after you said what you said he told me goodnight and said how excited he was to see me and meet you and even said he knew it was going to be a great night with all of us together. And it kind of broke me because he has no idea that I freaked out and cried over the things you said. If there’s ever a time again where you feel as if I’m disconnected just tell me straight up what you’re feeling. Theres no need for us to pick fights and say mean things to each other. You’re my sister. You’ll always be my sister. You’ll always be my best friend. But you have to let me be able to be happy. I don’t want to be stressed or guilty thinking you’ll hate me for liking Erik, or taking him, or hanging out with him. You have to let me explore my relationship.

[alettertothose]

I have a confession.

I have a really big crush on this guy from work. He’s so sweet, gentle, and kind - and really cute. Just over the past few months we’ve started to open up to each and get to know each other as friends. We’ve shared big things and little things with each other, but the crazy part is is that we’ve never hung out outside of work.

He always seems so interested in what I have to say. He remembers little details about our conversations like my favorite type of cheese and my favorite color. He asked how my specific shift was a day he wasn’t there that I only mentioned once. He was really interested to know why I love horror movies so much. The kicker is, is that just this past weekend he kept saying things like “I’m really glad you’re here” , “you always save me here at work”, “I can’t thank you enough for all you do for me” - It kind of makes me wonder if he likes me back.

We’ll hug “hello” and “goodbye” to each other almost every shift. He even reaches/holds my hands during conversations. He one time grabbed me by the shoulders to confirm what colors my eyes were. But he is a Gemini, and Gemini’s are flirtatious.

If we’re getting into astrology, I’m a Leo. Our star signs are very compatible. My horoscope the past weekend while I was working with him read something along the lines of “those feelings your having - you should chase them. It seems like that person you can’t stop thinking about may feel the same way”.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I think he might actually like me back. He is a bit older, and he was engaged before, so it worries me he may be hesitant to explore anything we may have. I don’t wan to push it because I love our connection at work, it’s that I have this school girl crush that every time know he’s at work I want to be next to him ALWAYS. Kind of like how you always wanted your crush to be your lab partner in chemistry class.

He’s driving me nuts. I really like him. I just wish I knew if he felt an ounce of the same way…

[alettertothose]

Today I received my first speeding ticket. The funny thing about it, is that I was cautious made sure I wasn’t speeding. Turns out I was going 10 miles per hour over the school zone limit, even school was no longer in session? I didn’t see any flashing light, only a cop, and the speed limit sign that said 40. So I made sure to maintain 37 miles per hour. The cop confirmed that speed with me as he approached my vehicle, while also telling me I was going way too fast.

“What do you have to do to get people to slow down?”, he said. I replied with, “I’m really sorry.” Stunned. Unsure of how I missed ANY sign saying to reduce speed. However, today i was having such a bad morning (very sleep deprived) I don’t trust my judgement. So I accepted my consequences and took the ticket from the cop as I apologized once more, and drove away.

What I learned from this experience is that I am not inevitable. Being behind the wheel for 9 years of life, and this time being the only time I received a ticket (because I’m not that good of a driver XD ) is pretty impressive. I’m proud of myself for handling myself as well as I did with the cop. I was very nervous and scared, but I kept my composure and didn’t break until I drove further away from him. Driving into work I kept reminding myself that I am ok, and everything will be okay. It’s just a speeding ticket. It’s a normal adult thing to get. I can handle this. Yes, it’s a little more added stress I don’t need - but all I have to do is pay it off! I’ll work a few extra hours at work to cover it. No biggie. But I’ve learned my lesson.

I’ve learned I need to be more careful. I need to have better aware of my surroundings. I need to take care of myself. I need to stay safer and have practice patience. Life is so delicate and fragile, and these little bumps in the road mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Let’s see if I can pay off this ticket online tomorrow…

[alettertothose]

Sometimes I really hate my sister. I just need to live alone. It’s always times when I feel like we’re doing okay, then I instantly hate her again. I just want to have 1 full day to myself. I haven’t had that in a really long time. I just want to sit down and relax. Maybe sit outside, ride my bike, watch a movie … anything to not feel guilty for doing something without her. Why do I feel that way? Why do I always feel guilty doing something without her? She doesn’t. I wasn’t this anxious about her when we lived apart. But I couldn’t stay where I was either because my old roommate kept having guests… maybe I can get a new job and make enough money to live on my own. That is my ultimate goal. I want a place to live with a guest room, and a whole office to myself to be creative in any which way that I choose. I want to decorate how I want and eat what I want and just LIVE how I want…. I’m sick of feeling trapped within myself. I want to just be me.

[alettertothose]

So today I wasn’t necessarily stood from a guy… I left before he got there because I was waiting basically all day to hear from him. But just when I left the place we were meant to meet he texted me to say he was on his way there. I missed the message because I was driving.

I feel guilty because I left, but it’s not my fault that he had extremely poor communication. He also said he was delayed in responding because he was on the phone… plus he said he forgot I asked him to dinner.

This is I think the 3rd time he “agreed” to meet me and then either forgot or was busy, etc. He told me he was sorry - but when I told him that I basically won’t be asking him to hang out again, and that he would have to plan it if he was interested enough, he left me on read.

I feel like I got my point across. He knows now that I’m upset - and he should be the one feeling guilty. I did nothing wrong. I protected my self-worth and I refuse to chase a guy like a puppy. The place we were meant to meet was even closer to him and not me… I’m starting to realize that this guy might not be as great as he seems.

In the beginning he was chasing me - sending me thirst traps on Snapchat. But every time I would mention meeting, he resisted and ignored. It’s almost as if he just needed someone to send those types of things to, in order to get responses to feel better about himself. I also only ever see him hanging out with girls on social media….

Maybe it’s for the best that this happened. Maybe it’s best that we don’t meet up. I guess only time will tell. It just sucks that I feel like I wasted my time taking this guy for 4 months for it to go absolutely NO WHERE. I just want to be in a happy relationship… but maybe this guy just isn’t the guy.

If he’s truly interested - he will ask ME to hang out. I refuse plan anything for us anymore. It’s his job now. He’s knows that. I told him. If he doesn’t, then message received.

[alettertothose]

Why are people still mean to each other on the internet for having their own opinion? I simply made a joke on Twitter and someone called me a “fucking moron” ... now I’m not innocent but I definitely never stooped that low. Treat people with kindness and treat people how you want to be treated. Even on the internet. We all now your just hiding behind your cartoon character profile picture. If your too afraid to show your face, then I refuse to be afraid of you. I will continue to post my opinions. I will continue to share my opinions.

What I posted was in response to a fan theory about Spider-Man. Because I said I didn’t think it was a multiverse film, I was kind of bullied? These people are so senestive for a movie we know nothing about. Maybe it’s because it’s what makes them happy in life. But it’s also not healthy to continually make theories that will eventually just lead to disappointment. Just enjoy each day as it comes. Don’t dwell on if Tobey or Andrew is showing up.

Most importantly don’t let these strangers on the internet get to you. They’ll forget what they even said to you by tomorrow. If anything, people will see you as the better person for not responding to such negativity. It’s for the better. Mute the conversation and continue being the best boss bitch you can be. Rest up and rise high tomorrow. I love you star shine.

[alettertothose]

Sometimes I think about my ex, and remember that he had too small of a dick and too big of just 1 testicle (yeah, I said what I said) to really abuse me the way that he did.

[alettertothose]

Dear You, You’re loved.

I know you hurting. I know that pain. That pain when you finally put yourself out there, find a good person, and they don’t feel the same way. That’s okay. That just means they weren’t the one. The one is out there somewhere looking for you. 

This person that you liked, you knew there were signs. They never texted first. They felt distant. They never seemed interested in learning more about you. That’s okay. I know it’s even harder when you’re ghosted. You never get an answer. You just assume they didn't feel the same way or they found you annoying. They maybe even of found someone else in the meantime. 

Just know you never need another man or woman to love you. We, as humans, just want that. We are always hungry for that connection. But we don't need it to survive. There is this beautiful thing we all have called self-love. As long as we have that, we can't be defeated. Remember to always love yourself first, and more than anyone else ever could. You need self-love. You need that.

[alettertothose]

Dear You, You Don’t Listen

Anytime I ever need you for anything, I am afraid to ask. I’d rather avoid you all together if I could. Your goal is to make me feel guilty, that I am the one treating you badly. I “treat you badly” because I am defending myself against all your harsh words and actions. You shower with me money and gifts to make up for the fact you have forever given me emotional damage and mental scars that I will carry with me forever. I try to explain myself repeatedly, but you repeatedly nag and push and agitate my last hopes of living everyday with another headache I somehow bare. 

I remember when I was younger, how afraid I was to tell you anything. I had to drum up the courage for hours to try and ask you for permission to hang out with my friends. Every time. I couldn’t call them without you interrupting, saying how I only care about myself and my friends and not you. But yet, you would complain that I didn’t act like a normal teenager. 

You always pushed me to be smart and mature. Now that I am, I realize how corrupt of a childhood I had. Overshadowed by this persona that we were such a perfect family. I was such an anxious adolescent that I would sweat through every shirt I ever owned thinking that every human being on earth was watching and judging my every move, because that’s what you did. 

I never want to have children. I never want to have children because I fear that I will be a parent like you were to me. I fear that my child will feel the pain I felt all those many years without knowing. I should’ve never been your emotional punching bag. My life should’ve never been compared to yours. I should’ve had the option to choose who I wanted to be when I was younger, not at 23. 

I will never forget. I don't know if I could forgive. But I could live, and live knowing that I am to be the opposite of everything that you are.