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kaveh akbar, interviewed by claudia f. savage

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Actually that's stupid - I am experiencing both at the same time so I should not double back on that - I've always known I can be happy and sad together

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I wanna post my new mini two recipe zine here but I also wanna keep posting about how my lao lao just died this week in Taiwan and I feel like it's weird to do both at the same time

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My lao lao + excerpts from the piece I wrote last winter "Lao lao and the great crocodile" about the complicated emotions I had the one time she ever flew in to visit from Taiwan after my mom passed.

Although I think having something tender and beautiful to say might always be best, sometimes that's not the reality + just finding words that are honest and come from the heart even in anger and confusion is better than never digging in to speak anything at all.

Family and heritage will probably always be loaded and heavy to me, but I think loving something and not needing it to be something it's not is another way to hold onto it and keep it safe with you! I wish I would have the chance to show up differently now that so much has changed for me, so maybe in the next lifetime we will get to know one another better.

#personal #Substack #lao lao #grief

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"Failing Better: A Conversation with Ocean Vuong" interviewed by Viet Thanh Nguyen for LA Review of Books (2019) [ID'd]

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My cat snoring on my lap first thing in the morning wow okay god I get it - my life is beautiful thank you

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Silly goofy little guys are still capable of harm

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In the kitchen - and by the window

#personal

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I used to hate days where I felt a little vinegar in me but I've really come to love it - those are my most honest days and it's when I feel the most inspired to change for the better

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Ever since the conversations around people pleasing has shifted from it being hard on the person doing it and has started addressing how manipulative it is to others, I've seen a looot go pushback from people who identify that way who want to say it's not their fault, it's a result of trauma or mental illness, or that it's unfair to them to have the narrative expanded to start focusing on everyone in the dynamic rather than just themselves and their suffering and you know what?

Just because something is a trauma response doesn't mean you get to avoid responsibility for how it hurts or effects other people - and when you reaction is to shut down any sort of criticism for how your choices negatively effect others simply because it causes you pain too, that's when we know you aren't ready to be in any sort of relationship where you can't play the victim 24/7 and feeling sorry for yourself because it will just be enabling the violent cycle you choose to stay stuck in

There are so many reasons we can turn out any which way that truly aren't our faults and maybe be incredibly unfair, but that doesn't count as an excuse for why we allow those things to go unchanged, unexplored, and consider the damage done to others not our problem or responsibility

People pleasing is manipulative. It's lying, even if it's because we want others to feel better or not be hurt. When you don't bring your authentic self to situations or say yes when you mean no, you take away the other parties ability to choose what they are comfortable with or want because you've already lied about your half of the dynamic and that's hurtful and also unfair and your resentments aren't justified when you treat people in your life like that to avoid pain or conflict for yourself

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Suzanne Rivecca, Ugly Bitter and True

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It brings me real pain when people tell me they use rishi or like shitty grocery store matcha... it's actually so bad I used so many different ones over the years and almost every cafe in the city uses rishi for all the teas and it's sooo ass and they STILL charge so much for it it's crazy

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Magnesium infused grass fed tallow on my feet + chest before bed to help me sleep and heal

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"i don't care what u had for dinner" well i do. can you post a photo of it on tumblr dot com so i can like it please

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#personal #Spotify

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was having such a beautiful day but then on the way to go get my weekly fresh tulips my older brother called to tell me our lao lao (grandma on the mother's side) in taiwan passed away... and I feel extremely complicated about it

and then he also just sort of told me some of the health problems our grandma here in the states is dealing with cause it's her birthday today and it made me feel so stressed and sad and like I don't know what I can do for anyone I love

luckily I have the best husband in the world who's immediately gone out to grab us our favorite gluten free poutine from the market for lunch to help me feel better </3

some true full moon in scorpio going on