“I’m a deeply- studious- i find all of my solutions in books that has just been my path, another massive massive piece of my puzzle towards healing has beeen my jumping into the philosophy of yoga im not talking about the physical practice vinyasina im talking about jumping in to the sutras which is talking about the phikopshy behind yoga which breaks it down in such a simple just but just kind of magical way in terms of how good tips on how to live your life that was life changing for me. I actually went into the course to become a yoga instructer, not with the intentions of becoming a yoga instructor but because thats just how i am. I really dive deep into things, im just OCD in that sense. And i found a lot of uh healing in that, in just the reading, the studying, the understanding. Like i said my relationship with my sister, maybe im being to judge mental maybe she was functioned in some ways of a therapist for me. Because the function of therapy, one of the functions of going to therapy is to release yourself of somethings you havent been able to verbalize. That has been my sister for me.i in the past , she has been my- its not until the last maybe 10 years after my mom died that we were really able to dive deep into our home and our experience and what happened and what didnt happen and our parents and their addictions and i think she functioned as my therapist in that way so if thats what therapy does for you then go for it- get it out of your system.
I also try to make a point often to remind myself of the reward that have come from my good choices. From sobriety. And i say them out loud and i say them to myself all the time. And isn’t it great that we that im awake and i dont have to be in bed and that im not all bloated and i didnt do anything stupid like im constantly reminding myself of the reward and i mean that may sound silly but jumping into this authenticity it gave me like these coping classes because i have no fear about being myself like running a live show for two hours in your home where you can do and say like god know,s its a live event. But im so comfortable in this space now that i realize now that being able to do that isn’t the reward of the other things ive mastered... alcohol addiction being one of them. I’m constantly reminding myself and verbalizing what these rewards have been and they have been incredibly huge.” Its all been a reprogramming of the brain and that takes time also not just work and willingness, it takes time- so much time.
“I’d love to be the person today that serves as an example that if AA did not work for you, it does not make you a failure. It doesn’t. I read. I actually copies and pasted a quote that AA has, and this is not shitting on AA. This is me putting out an olive branch to the person that AA, that it didnt work for you. And this is what the quote says, and this is why i found it so harsh to be a part of that program, it says rarely have we seen a person fails who has throuhougly followed our path. Those who did not recover are people who cannot and will not completely give themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable with being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates. They are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way.- could you imagine what that sounds like to someone that failed once, two times, three times, four times in the program? - that person went right back to the bar. - thats right, back to that bar if someone were to have shown them this paragraph. And AA has served hundreds of millions of people, thats awesome. But i feel like for some people it almost like for the peo0ple that keep going back and keep going back and keep going back its like its like youre taking an antibiotic and you have become resistant to the drug man. You have to find another path. It doesn’t mean your flawed. It doesn’t mean youre weak. It doesn’t mean you were born sick, it means its not your path. And if i can be that person to say AA is not for you and there is absolutely 100% multiple other paths that you can take then go look for them . But dont give up because AA didnt work for you. Listen, im not an advocate for psychadelics who am i to tell you to not take a damn psychadelic if thats going to help your path. You know what im saying? I think we’re so caught up in this idea, of I have this vision of what it means to be authentic and the right and proper path and if you dont follow that same path then youre not right and proper. Like if done enough work to know that there’s a hundred million different paths. And if i can be the person today to say, “I forged my own path and it’s weird and its different and a lot fo times i went 1000 steps back and was only able to take two steps foward. That’s okay, thats my path” and i think thats important i think its important to say if it did not work for you it does not mean your a failure. If you’re really having a hard time surrending to this higher power, that i believe in by the way but if youre really having a problem with that there are other paths to recovery
There are- again recognizing that i have loved ones that have had great success with AA
It has to be what works for you, whatever your modality is, whatever the function is it has to be what works for you or else once again youre not being authentic to yourself if you kept going to AA if it didnt feel right. Its so personalized vs. putting this blanket statement. It has to be so unique to yourself.,
by Valentin Lacoste
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i am doing it
goals for october
pray every day for someone else and that i will quit nicotine for good
continue to go to sleep in my bed rather than on the couch
have a completely alcohol free (and other things) month (that also means to me to continue reading af related literature and listening to podcasts etc)
to limit my weed smoking
actually start doing art again
get a new tutor. take the nha. do it without adderall.
do one uncomfortable social situation sober
journal every day this month on one page what i ate and fill the rest up with a gratitude list
write every day. if i cant cause im at work i will bring my diary to write there. i will write every day.
blessed by the books, short stories, podcasts, and blogs i have stumbled upon to make me not feel so alone in a time where most people couldnt stand.
healthiest ive been in a while- ish..
i have to confess i stopped writing this blog for the wrong reasons. i made a private blog called everything and nothing because does anyone really post what they would write in a journal or diary or their fucking iphone on the internet to take the risk for some stranger or even an antogonist in their story.
fuck it. i keep looking at my profile pic on here and my ass and how good it looks and i cant help but feel some unavoidable shame for my body now. now dont get me wrong, i am no where near fat or even fluffy now but i dont have that ass and i am not utilizing any of the things that could give me a better body like that. i have to delete my instagram for atleast 24 hours now and then because i cant help but compare myself to other people on there. i want to stop delete my snapchats after i post them when im sober because im crazy and i dont care if these people think it i really dont give a fuck. atleast 30 people watch them and i have more people on my snapchat i should delete the ones i dont talk to or watch my stories. anyways fuck snapchat too. it was nice not having to work tonight. they gave me the busiest nights of the week bc the manager who was doing her old door girl position because of the pandemic and change in management. i wanted thursday friday saturday and . anyways the af literature ive been reading has totally helped.
i just had my 3 year anniversary of cutting out self harm (oops no pun intended) and going to rehab the same day. also the anniversay of the first person in my life- or i should say friend die. well get murdered by a cop. i had a moment on my sober drive home from the club where i played doog says are over and danced and sang and had the same moment i did two years ago at the intersection of spicewood springs and 183. those moments where even during it you know youll remember it for as long as you live. and as far as i can remember every time i have been living through a moment and also thinking im going to remember this i actually do. but who knows... if you forget how would you recall?
i did myself a favor and got the fuck away from drinking. poisoning myself for 50 min of numbing and feeling good only to want more minute later and doing things i regret along with damaging my brain and giving me unavoidable depression and mood balance. so what if i sound like a text book. fuck i have been reaching lots of alcohol free literature and im fucking loving it. i wasnt writing when i was drinking i wasnt reading. in the amazing book i am reading now i dont relate to her level of drinking and how bad it was to the full extent i could because it never got that bad for me but it was worse in other ways. but who knows. meth made it that bad for me. who knows or cares if she shared the entirety of her alcoholic years but she is a phenomenal writer and i have never had the desire to meet an author before but i would love to meet her. while 30 days helped me legitimatenly get through those 32 days, i was only permitted to read a few pages at a time altugh it did give me writing excersise. im really thankful that the book i am reading now doesnt follow along with the journal and use that stupid as fuck word ‘teatotaller” or whatever it has been slow and steady but the most refreshing 46 days ive had in many moons. lol that sounded gay af but im not going to erase it. but i mean it with a whole heart i am not the same person i was on august 1st. i did myself the favor of purchasing a cheap tazer, a cute red jeweled key chain pepper spray and a rape alarm. because i have started to love myself and want to protect myself although i pray that will never happen. i also did something i wouldnt normally do and that was purchase some of this money mist i came accross on on amazon that is suppost to help manifest money to come your way. i tried to cancel my order because i didnt really want to believe in it but im going too. the worst that can happen is it doesnt. and thats 15 dollars wasted but who cares im going to take the chance because well, its real. im going to spray it on my tip jar. one other nice thing that happened this week is i found a candle say 60% of on $11 candles that smell really good at heb. so i bought like 14 i think. i was also asked out basically by 3 people this week. although i said yes to all i dont plan on seeing any of them. one is a manager at p10 north, one was the door guy that got fired and one is friends w j and ive actually met the dude before he is also friends with all the managment at my job. its been so nice being sober from this shit. i realized today i havent done any drugs i mean besides shrooms, okay did 1.2 bar, and - who gives a fuck. i do any cocaine or shit like that. my eyes are closing.
He was wearing savaúge by Dior. But he was cute and he got my number. He said I was bad
What does it say about you if you don’t dot your i’s
September 2017, approximately 18 months on meth
Dear Tina, ( typed this a year later because it was barely legible.)
You should have been aborted. I loathe the person that brought you into existence. You are the shittiest thing and no words can accurately describe the level of filth, grime, and pain you have brought upon me. I never stood a chance… yet i had so fucking many. I am an exceptionally strong person. I got off h. I am so sick of wanting you and I still can't think of one fucking reason. There's no fucking high anymore. There's nothing you bring into my life that could ever benefit me. You laugh at the fact that I am stuck here, yet again at McDonalds, broke and no phone. You have the right to laugh, I'm pathetic. I fucking hate you. Fuck you. YOURE pathetic.
I'm so tired of the patterns in my brain. I'm so tired of spending so much time typing a text over and over. And going through every last goddamn rack at Ross and goodwill, leaving with nothing and being embarrassed. I'm so tired of spending hours stuck in a loop taking selfies and photoshopping them. I'm so tired of having all these zits and having to do my makeup so much so it won't sweat off… brushing my hair so much with it always looking fake or tangly. I'm tired of missing in my arm and not being able to move it for days. I'm sooo tired of having to tolerate things I never would cause I'm broke and just crave the taste of you... then having nothing to say when I get asked what I'm doing with my life, fucking explaining myself x10.. Being fake as fuck and playing the victim 24/7. I'm tired of saying I'm going to go to rehab, spending all my time trying to steal clothes and make myself hot… feeling too skinny.. Never really having friends and no respect from my family and having to say I'm a dancer. I'm tired of playing down my talents to let other people feel more comfortable for no reason.. And having no sex…. The layer of grime you leave all over me...carrying my bag around.. Being so ashamed… doing back page, selling my body… I hate struggling for words and having choppy, confusing sentences with poor grammer…. And literally hating myself all the time because I know I will want to kill myself when i look back at hanging out with creepy old fucks and go in public with them and the looks i get and how i feel…. Having this nasty tattoo!.. Im tired of coughing up nasty brown flem every 5 minutes and being undervalued by everyone obviously because i dont value myself.
Bitch, FUCK YOU.
You have obliterated my life and the things i loved the most. You turned me into a drug eating machine.. A monster. You stole my little sex appeal, my best friend, my values, all of my 18th year and all of this year too. You stole my body and my brain.. And my love, Stewart. You dangled him in front of me but then again that was a conscious decision on my part. That was all my fault. Never again. I will seriously drink bleach if i dont kick this. I will fucking kill myself tina, and you know how narcissistic i can be so you know im serious.
Leave me alone. Leave me with what i have left. I am weak, doubtful and feel so incredibly far from myself. You have played with my head for song long. You're really just a compound of toxins. You are nothing.
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oct 4,2018 entries from my google docs
Liyerally everything sucks right now. I try to be positive but right now im just so depressed. I dont want to be thankful i dont want to be positive i dont want to keep going. I just dont want to be anymore. I want to hurt myself cause of all the ways ive fucked up recently. Jessa and her friends are having a party right now and we got in a fight yesterday cause she threw away like all my food… like she said she was cleaning out the fridge but she left like rotten cabbage in there… so we were yelling at eachother. I still dont feel like im in the wrong at all and that shes complettely 100% in the wrong. I lose everything. I lost my vape i lost my car i lost my juul today and now im stuck here cause i have no car and the 7 11 is over a mile away and its unsafe and my mom would be mad at me
Everything is falling apart and i feel like im really trying the best i can. Im not trying the best i can im doing the best i can. I mean im not about to be thankful right now but atleast i have nicotene gum. But seriously fuck todday fuck this whole week fuck this whole month. I feel like im totally justified in being pissed off at the world. Ari was only at p10 for a few hours and makes $700 and im at yellow rose all day and i make 160.. And i actually have to pretend with guys. I think shes just herself and doesnt even have to flirt with them cause shes so naturally pretty and has a pretty smile. I dont have a car now and i feel like no one wants anything to do with me unless its to have sex with me or if they want something from me. I really need to get a lock on my door cause i think jessa goes through my room. I swear im missing some food. She just has no respect… she finished all my orange juice and ginger ale and doesnt even leave me any. I dont have any pull so its not like i can get mad like yesterday. Im just trying the best i can, im trying to be generous and im trying to do things with grace and im trying to understand other peoples perspective honestly i think she doesnt want me to live there so shes doing subtle things to piss me off or make me want to leave. Ugh and then david put my hand on his dick yesterday. Ew
Ew ew ew i just want a xanax right now and to go to bed. Im getting tired. Im just done with today and im not thankful for today. Im not thankful for anyone or anything. Infact i hope someone i dont like .. well no i dont want karma to get at me for saying anything. Cause i feel like karma gets back at me even when i dont wish bad on other people. I seriously wanna cry right now i hope she doesnt kick me out after this month. Im gonna have to chase my vodka with coffee tomorrow. I should have gone to the gas station. I dont have my juul!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck. im so upset and i feel so rejected and unwanted. Yay i cant wait to have more nightmares about stewart and true and ive been missing clothes and makeup i just dont know what to make of it God please help me and understand where im coming from. I feel weak i am weak and i need you to help me through this.
Damn. thanks for that email. I wish i would have checked it sooner. I honestly didn’t think you would write back anything close to that. I teared up and laughed out loud. Especially that you took the time to do the math on the beta bomb shit or even if it was just bullshitting because i couldn’t follow all of it.. That you went back through our messages and calculated that. And yeah i can’t think of a time when i texted you in the afternoon. But i do remember once after me and jen had had a stupid disagreement i stormed out and went to goodwill to steal shit like normal. I was upset on the way there and you texted me checking in. i asked you to send the link to beta bomb and that was when i decided it was one of my top favorite songs and always would be.
I agree on the expectations shit and i like the ones you said. I just didnt want you to think i was bullshitting you but we havent talked about that stuff in a while. I feel a lot better physically today, more like myself i had been drinking with sean the last few nights and ugh his lifestyle is
just too much like the one i cant do because im not functional. It is what it is! I have just noticed at times, for example ill have plans to work at the club) and if we have talked about hanging out or he spontaneously calls asking too ill have to decide between him and my hustle. I dont like that- at least right now. I dont want to have to feel guilty that im seeing a “sugar father” lol. I dont want to lie but not feeling like i need to answer to him. Life isnt ever like you plan it so i cant say that will always be the case but with him i dont see it. Plus i knew you would get a kick out of this; he has a piece of steak tattooed on his ass. Im dead. Anyways enough about that. Im going to have more time in the next few days i know cause of the covid so ill be making money moves on the site. If only just screening men and having conversations to get a better gauge of what we can offer each other. I have learned that while having a sd is a huge pay off you gotta realize youre gonna have to sift through the toads even if you waste time meeting with them, its not really time all that wasted. I texted you those screenshots of that one dude. I like how he came out in the first message.
P.s. : jd wasnt all there but he was on point about introducing us, even if it was for his own gain ;-)
Lol this book is comparing being in love to being on drugs in like 10 scientific ways I’m dead
Right now I don’t even want any new friends. I have liike one friend. Me and paolina are done after 3 years. I don’t even really give a fuck now fuck her. But I also miss ari. But like fuck her for being fake af. I
By October first I will
Get off nicotine
Make another 30 days AF
choose a period to go without Instagram
Have sober sex (I’m actually gonna take this off. Like fuck it if I do I do. I’m scared af that’s why I kinda want to do it with a rando off tinder and get over with the awkwardness instea of having to do that with this guy I like. Def not gonna fuck him tomorrow. And plus I’m not letting him over to my house yet. If I don’t let jdub know where I live and I’m never going too I’m not going to let this guy know (yet)
Lose 7lbs by excersise
Get clearer skin
Get a smaller waist
Nights like this were okay. Like nothing was wrong with tonight we had a lot of people come in I did everything right I was just bored and a little stoned still. I found out who the main bitch is there. She’s really pretty and she’s been nice to me from the two times she has talked to me. She sat in the office tonight while he was counting my money and told me how she manages the Instagram promos and stuff. She did look really hot and all the managers were eyeing girl and giving her compliments but I mean hey she did look really good. She had this black thing i dont know like a robe whatever it was super cute I want one. Anyways tips were good I just feel kinda empty I need a job at a clinic or whatever. I went to school for 9 months for this why is the hospital where in investing my time in ? Okay maybe not a hospital. Anywhere but I should be trying harder to get a job. Especially when this job isn’t paying shit and I have to sleep now I’m high af
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
the girl next door
so they werent very strong. that or the tea just didnt take. i took 7 grams and the visuals just werent that great i watched trippy music videos and found some good songs. what is with me i cant type today. here are the things i wrote down. oh and also i met this guy kyle i really fucking like him. jdub texted me while i was in tutoring and like i dont really like or respect jdub but i mean hes okay. he asked me if i wanted to make 400 (and like i dont do that anymore) but he sent me this picture of this man and hes HOT. i was like um why is he paying for pussy? does he have a small dick or like super weird? anyways i told him i couldnt and wasnt interested anyway but asked for the guys number because like i would fuck him for free. obviously not that day. anyways i was in tutoring but decided that i needed to flea bomb the apartment and take hansen to the vet before i did my personal trip. i took him to the vet but needed to be out of the house anyway. jdub asked me if i would just go meet him and talk to him. he had put him in this hotel.. oh and k just got out of prison and he is in a half way house. i dont care about that honestly but thats why he doesnt have a phone. i was a little nervous to meet him as this is thefirst guy i have gone to meet or hung out with in a min that i didnt drink at least a few mini 99 cent bottles before hand. i wasnt wearing makeup either but a little lip plumping gloss. jdub really wanted me to go meet him and i did. it was a little awkwartd the second i got in there because even though we both knew the situation i felt it necessary to clarify i had no intetion of being a lady of the night. lol i didnt say it like that obviously. but the conversation was easy and he is hot and nice and doesnt have any tattoos which i am normally a huge fan of tattoos but like i didnt care. he has friends and his parents have money. not that money matters but he is close with his mom and thats important to me. i was honeslt about how i knew jdub (from jk) but also made it clear that i had friendzoned him a long time ago. i really want to be completely over jk before i get into somerthing new but i like this guy and want to see where it goes. we just talked for lke 45 min then i had to go pick hansen up from the vet. he asked me out to lunch tomorrow because he has to be back at the hh by a certain time. i think i wasnt to go to hula hut on lake austin. anyway i really like him. he just called me and we talked for a bit. no its not like love at first sight but it wasnt with josh wither. i mean with josh i was drunk. the first time i looked in his eyes i knew he was going to be in my life for a min one way or anothers and i was okay with that. it wasnt love at first sight but i did fuck him within an hour of meeting him. anyways i like kyle.
Every time I feel really good all of a sudden I feel like it’s my bi polar kicking in.
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I think this was the last song I listened to with him in my car
Thinkin' 'bout how in the fuck did I lose you
But I'm better off, yeah, I'm better off now
I ain't got no role models, I'ma down the whole bottle
I need to forget about you