aloneandunreal

[aloneandunreal]

october 30, 2023

it's almost halloween, which means i'm well into the semester now, and i think things have been okay. i feel like i've just been going through the motions; and honestly i don't know why but i just feel so old. i know i'm not, i am not even 21 yet, but just the fact i'm halfway through college is pretty scary. i'm anxious that i did not have the real "college experience." i feel like i didn't do enough. or did i? i can't tell. i know i still have time, but that time will go by quickly. i hate to bring in the "what-if" scenarios, but what if i chose a different college? would i be an entirely different person? would i be happier? and of course, there's always the question of what would my life have been like if covid never happened? i'm being dramatic, but i seriously feel a pit in my stomach when i think about it. because i genuinely do think i'd be an entirely different person -- i'm sure most people would. anyway. it's weird that i am a junior in college now, but i feel like i just started college. it makes me think of all the change that has occurred. the friends i've lost, the experiences i've had (there aren't many notable ones, but still). in some ways, i miss being a freshman and having everything be so new.

i am starting to worry about friendships. i have friends, and i love them, but sometimes i feel i should have ventured out more and found different people to become friends with. i know that sounds horrible, but it's true. i don't even have that many friends in the first place, but i suppose when i started making them my freshman year, i was so overjoyed at having friends that i just stuck with them and did not look elsewhere. which, let me reiterate, i love them, but sometimes i wish i had more. not in quantity, but rather in quality. most of my friends are seniors, and can go out to the bars, so me and my one friend are just not included in that. for obvious reasons, but it definitely has put a strain on my relationships with them. and then of course comes the question of next year... i'm going to lose most of my friend group when they graduate. will i just be alone my whole senior year? no one to go out with?

and that's another thing. i just want to have more fun. i want to go out and do things but everyone i know under 21 seems burnt out, and everyone over 21 goes to the bars. i simply wish i could do more. my life feels so stagnant. i want something exciting to happen; something different. a pleasant surprise. but that sort of stuff doesn't really happen to me. it's just like when i complain about not being in a relationship, and those people in relationships say "your time will come" or "it happens when you least expect it." well, i think i'll just be waiting forever. all i want is someone to love me, to want me. i have always wanted to be in a relationship. to meet someone naturally. to experience that. unfortunately, it seems pretty impossible for someone like me. stuff like that doesn't really happen. and i hate to throw a pity party, but it's true. maybe it's not for me! but nevertheless i wish i didn't feel impossible to love.

i guess the question always is: would 14 year old me be happy with how she turned out? what about 15 year old me? 16? 17? is it what she expected? or is she disappointed? the unfortunate answer is i really don't know. i guess it doesn't really matter technically, considering i am so different now, but a part of me always thinks about it. despite my overall pessimistic view on life, i think my teenage self always had some sort of hope that it would get better and that there was something/someone out there for me. i'm not really sure i even have that viewpoint anymore, yet in some ways i am happier. it doesn't really make sense.

i miss when everything was new and unexpected. it was scary, yes, but it was exciting in a way. nothing is new anymore. everything is so stagnant and boring. but how can things be more interesting if i feel burnt out already? overall, i wish things were different. not just quality of life, but me as a person as well. i know i need to work to change things, but sometimes i wish it would just come naturally. i guess that's not really possible for someone like me. if only i was beautiful, and interesting, and cool, enigmatic, and most of all memorable. i wish i was the type of girl people remember. who, when they hear a song, it reminds them of me. and not just romantically -- generally. because i do that for some people. but i can't imagine it's done for me. i'm just so average and boring. i feel stuck in a body i hate. despise, really. and it's so unfortunate i still feel this way after all of these years. i thought something might change as i grew older -- i'd get pretty, sociable, not awkward. i'd have, as cringe as it may sound, a "glow up." but i guess that wasn't in the cards. i suppose it's just humiliating that i'm still like this and i am not even a teenage girl anymore; this sounds crazy but it doesn't feel acceptable to still feel (intensely) insecure after puberty. i thought this wasn't permanent? i have changed so much, except in the way i look and feel about myself. which makes me realize i've answered the question i posed above: younger me would be disappointed because i still hate myself. even with all of the body changes, it's never enough. it might never be. everyone's moving on but me. i'm an adult and, in a way, nothing has changed in that aspect (which contradicts my earlier statement, but bare with me. i have mixed feelings). everything is the same.

on that note, i'm going to wrap this up. i wrote about a lot of randomness and my thoughts are messy and not poetic but it is what it is. i'm not sylvia plath. i always write about the same damn things anyway. see you in a couple months.

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill

[aloneandunreal]

may 27, 23

my birthday is less than a month away. i started this blog when i was sixteen going on seventeen, and now i am turning twenty. it's weird how fast time passes, or at least how fast i think it does. in my last posts, i've probably mentioned being anxious about leaving my teenage years behind. i still am, of course, but as i'm nearing the end of nineteen, i do feel like i am ready for my twenties. at least partly. it feels weird to type out (and say aloud). twenty. i'm going to be twenty. it's just another reminder that nothing lasts forever. that felt cringeworthy to type, but i decided to anyway.

as always, i've been thinking about the past. specifically my freshman year of high school. i don't know why but it's always a time i look back on and feel a pit in my stomach. it's hard to explain, but the person i was at fourteen is someone i've locked away forever. i've never felt how i felt at fourteen ever again in my life, if that makes any sense. it was like my brain was wired differently. which, well, obviously. but even at thirteen, fifteen, sixteen... the way i was and the way i thought at those times in my life was not the same as when i was fourteen. i know it sounds stupid, but it was just a year of my life i cannot believe happened. looking back, it was like someone else was controlling my body while the real me watched. but maybe that was the real me, and now the only remnants left of her are old photos, videos, and memories in my head. a part of me that won't be reopened.

it was as if, at the time, i acted older than i was, but at the same time i was a typical fourteen year old. or trying to be. the pit in my stomach i get thinking about it is a mix of nostalgia and sadness. i can't believe that was me. and the funny thing is, some of that year i can't even remember. there are parts that are seemingly blocked out of my memory. sometimes i wish i could go back just to remember what it was like. but then i internally smack myself because that's stupid. that was one of the worst years of my life. why would i want to go back? i can't answer that question.

perhaps it was still the childlike wonder, but there is a part of me that feels as if fourteen year old me was so much more creative than i am now. i wrote so freely, about anything and everything. it was like i didn't care about being cringe, i just wrote and wrote and wrote. and most of it wasn't even bad. yes, a bit cringe, of course, that's to be expected. but it wasn't written badly. that's something which makes me sad. i don't think i'll ever be able to write like that ever again in my life. maybe i'm forgetting, but i didn't used to be so much of a control freak who wanted everything to be perfect (at least in some aspects of my life). i just lived. i hated myself, as i always have, but for some reason there was an unknown confidence within me that has not shown her face since.

i know this sounds dumb, me saying stuff like "my brain was wired differently when i was fourteen." it was. everyone's was. but i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was just so different, and have not been that way since. after june of my freshman year, everything seemed to change drastically. my mind, my thoughts, how i behaved.

the only answer i have to why is that i switched medications. the medication i was on did not work well with me, but there are parts of it i miss. not the weight gain, or the suicidal ideation. rather, the absence of a lot of my anxiety. the freedom to do and be who i wanted. wear what i wanted. it was like, after i got taken off those meds, i turned into a shell of a person. i was never the same. i'd never want to go through what i went through again, but i miss the positives. i guess that's what i've realized after all these years.

in old diaries, i would write about life. i would write stories. i wouldn't reminisce like i do now.

i know this sounds like i peaked in high school, but trust me, i didn't. i suppose i just am mourning my childhood and teenage years. i've never related to the following mitski lyric: "i was so young when i behaved 25, yet now i find i've grown into a tall child." i wish i could have been a normal child. a normal teenage girl. and now that i am entering my twenties, i have to really be an adult now. that's it. my teenage years are over. i don't miss them; rather, i wish things had been differently. i want to go back in time and be different.

i feel things entirely too deeply, and think about people years later that never think about me. friends i've had who i know don't reminisce about our experiences together (but i do).

i want to discover again, i want to learn. i want that childlike wonder back. but of course that is impossible. for the small amount of time i was able to have it, it was gone just as quick.

listening to certain songs, i can almost smell and feel what it was like when i was fourteen. being in my childhood bedroom over the summer puts me back in the same headspace. how everything has changed, yet my room has stayed the same. i wonder how different things would have been if i'd never been taken off that medication. if my one friend hadn't moved. if i never stopped dyeing my hair. i wonder, i wonder, i wonder, but i'll never know. it's probably a good thing i don't.

another typical post of me thinking about the past. again. it's so typical and boring. that's why i wish i could write like i used to. without a care in the world. i was so sad and it showed through my writing. descriptive, tragic, and somehow beautiful. i'm romanticizing it, yes, but it's not hurting anyone but myself to do so.

fourteen was a very bad year for me. hardly anything good came out of it. but part of me, weirdly enough, wants to feel what it was like again. the positives, of course. and maybe some of the negatives too. i sound crazy, but i just want the small of childlike wonder i had back. it was hardly there, but it was still there. i had it in my hands for a very small moment in time.

i don't know why i'm like this. it's hard to explain. overall, i suppose i just wish things had been different. i won't have my teenage years back. i'm turning twenty. off to new beginnings, i suppose. but it's all going to be so different. maybe that's a good thing, though. it's probably what i need. to move on, and leave my old self in the past. it's hard, though. i can't help but mourn what i never had.

[aloneandunreal]

january 19, 23

3 months later and... she's back! i've thought about posting before this but either did not have the energy or did not think it was relevant enough to post (although most of the stuff i speak about on here isn't very relevant, anyway). but yeah. new year. 2023. i feel like the years keep going by and they are no longer starting to feel "real." i know that sounds dumb, but seriously. take a look at "2023" and tell me that sounds and looks like a real year. i don't know. ever since covid started, the years just haven't really felt like they used to. but maybe i'm just romanticizing it. i also am getting older, which is a hard pill to swallow. i know that sounds dramatic because i'm "only nineteen," but for whatever reason i feel so old. i can no longer really be a teenager or act like one because i am technically an adult. but i don't feel like one at all. i wish i did, but as always i am stuck in the past and don't want to grow up. reminiscing on my teenage years is so much easier than focusing on the future. it's not that i was doing much, or having a great time, and this is definitely rosy retrospection, but i felt like i had less adult responsibilities. turning twenty in 5 months makes everything feel so much more real. this is really my last few months of being a teen. i used to want to be around this age so bad when i was a teen, but it's quite honestly not all it's shaped out to be. i guess i always want what i don't have. and when i have something, i don't realize how much i'll miss it until it's gone. of course, i didn't peak in my teenage years. considering everything, i've been doing better mentally and socially while at college compared to high school, but as i said... it's more of a "i'm scared of being a real adult" thing.

not only that, but i also just feel that being a teenager after/during covid is not the same as it was before covid. if that makes sense. i always tell my mom i wish i was in college when she was. being in college now just isn't the same as it was 3-4 years ago. not that i would know, but just based on what i've seen and heard... nobody had the trauma of a 3+ year long pandemic. i also feel as if social media is a really big part of everyone's lives now. it always has been, but during covid, that was all we had. so now it's heavily used by... basically everyone. more specifically, tiktok. i feel like everyone cares about specific aesthetics rather than just being themselves. which i understand, sometimes i want to be a certain way, too, but i don't want to be put in a box. this is laughable to write out, but for example, coquette.

this is going to sound dumb, but covid changed so many things. people went into quarantine as young as 7th/8th grade and came out almost finished high school. it, along with dependence on social media and new trends etc, has really changed teenagers. they are so different compared to when i was a teen. which is of course expected, but it just makes me feel old. and it also makes me realize why some older folks complain about the younger generations (yes, even mine). we're annoying! to give one example that makes me especially annoyed, is concerts. concerts before covid were so different. this doesn't apply to all, but concerts used to feel like a little community. we all loved the same artist, and were seeing them live. but now, so many younger people just don't understand concert etiquette. that sounds really pretentious, but i can't help but think it. some artists i wish i had seen in concert before covid. because now it just won't be the same as it was. which is unfortunate. i'm sure this is worded very badly and i sound stupid and pompous, but nobody is looking at these posts or my blog so i don't really care. i keep telling myself this is my place to write my thoughts, knowing nobody will be seeing them but me. and i guess whoever on tumblr stumbles upon this account. ha.

nothing against teenagers nowadays. technically i still AM a teen. but it's just different. however, of course, as there is with all generations, there are similarities too. things that will never change no matter how many years go by. it's sort of comforting seeing it, if that makes any sense. it makes me have some hope. but not much. and of course, i'm a hypocrite talking about social media, tiktok, etc, because i use it. and have since i was very young. but i suppose this is just commentary on it as a whole, not necessarily a critique. i'm calling myself out, too. all i'm saying is that i wish things were more natural and organic; more carefree. people will say they're carefree but, truly, how can you be in this day and age? especially if you're between the ages of 18-25. social media can ruin lives and mental health. covid has impacted everyone on earth. making money and being able to survive is a huge worry. what about graduate school? the earth is dying. school loans, debt... the list goes on. of course some/all of these have always been issues, but i personally just don't think anyone can TRULY be carefree anymore.

i don't want to have to work my whole life to afford living. i want to enjoy life, have fun. it makes me wish i had done more with my teenage years. i still have time to "have fun" and "live my life", but soon i'll need to start worrying about grad school, jobs, internships, etc. i guess young me hadn't really thought about that.

i feel so melancholic thinking back on my younger self, what i was like, who i was friends with, experiences i had. of course, i've written about this before - it's a trend with me - but i can't help it. that's just who i am. i've even started looking back somewhat sentimentally on my senior year of high school, even though that was just two years ago. same with my freshman year of college. and, of course, way before that as well. i don't know why i do this. everyone's changing, including me, but i'm still semi-stuck in the past. i have one foot in adulthood, and one in teenagehood.

it's funny thinking about how i started this blog when i was sixteen, during covid, my junior year of high school that got cut short. how i was so afraid of turning seventeen, for whatever reason. well, guess what? you're turning twenty in 5 months. how's that make you feel, sixteen year old me? not great, i'm sure. i wish i could shake myself and tell her to stop being so afraid. but then again, in three or four years, i'm sure i'll be wanting to say the same thing to myself now.

i'm not totally unhappy/unsatisfied with my life at the moment, but i wouldn't say i'm doing great. if you couldn't tell with what i've been writing. i wish i wasn't so caught up in the past, so scared to move on. i wish i could just happily feel nostalgic about things instead of whatever... this is. i hate feeling a knot in my stomach thinking about old memories, both good and bad. still, it's a familiar sadness/nostalgia i've always had. but i just don't know how to let go of it. i want to be happy, have a happy, fun, fulfilling life. i want to be remembered and thought of fondly by others, and vice-versa. i want friends i'll have for a lifetime. but it feels impossible. i hope it's not.

i don't know what i have going for me; i don't know what's to come, and that is what scares me. i want to make the best of the time i have, but i can't when i'm so stuck in the past. like i've been my whole life. i can never live in the present. i'm either in the past or the future, almost never the present. i can't enjoy things normally. and, just as my teenage years, my 20s will be over at some point. i don't want to be 30+, looking back, and regretting all the time i've wasted. i'm scared of growing older, but i really just need to face the truth. there's no going back in time, and i'm not going to be young forever. but how? i still haven't fully learned, even after all of these years.

i guess that's all for now. a pretty anticlimactic way to end a journal, but it is what it is. i wonder if i'll ever have anything good to say on this blog, anything positive. i feel as if i only go on here to rant about nonsense and be sad. i don't think i've ever given a "happy" update. because, unfortunately, happiness is not easy to romanticize like sadness is. maybe one day i will. but for now, we're stuck with the sad, sentimental rants. these are supposed to be the best years of my life, but it doesn't fully feel like it.

while writing, i listened to:

playground love - air

bathroom girl - air

cemetery party - air

get free - lana del rey

bel air - lana del rey

in my head - bedroom

kids - MGMT

my kind of woman - mac demarco

[aloneandunreal]

october 21, 2022

i did not realize that the last time i posted was over three months ago. i don't even remember it being that long ago, but i digress. i've been wanting to write another journal entry for awhile now but have just felt lazy and... uninspired? i don't know if that's the right word to use. anyway. a lot has happened since my last journal entry. i started my sophomore year of college, which feels weird to type out. i still feel sixteen. which is a bit of a problem i've been dealing with. i'm not sure why i didn't run into this problem my freshman year of college, but i've been going through a bit of an identity crisis. i feel like i don't know who i truly am. and being in my second year, still feeling stuck at age sixteen, kind of sucks. it's not that i'm immature, although i can be, i just can't seem to move on from my teenage years. nineteen isn't old by any means, but it is my last year of being a real teenager. it sort of feels like a loss, especially since my teen years felt pretty lame compared to others'. i feel like i'm experiencing things now that i should have experienced years ago. my first kiss, drinking, the list goes on. it makes me feel immature and like i'm trying too hard. whenever someone offers me something, i always take up the offer because i want to do what i never did in high school. i want to make up for what i never got to experience. but then it makes me feel like i appear like i'm trying to hard (to others). i don't know. it's hard to explain. i guess i feel i'm still sixteen because that's how old i was when covid began. and for whatever reason i feel stuck at that age. i'm just waiting for it to pass. but will it? and what can i do to pull myself along?

i wrote about this in my previous entry, but it relates to this too. it's funny thinking i was so scared to turn seventeen when i created this account. and now i wish i was back at that time in my life. things were not "simpler" but they were different. different in a way that i sort of miss. i've always been like this, though, missing the past. but this feels like in a different way than usual. a different sort of nostalgia. so much has changed. in both good and bad ways. i'm not going to say life was simpler, but in some ways, it was. i probably make no sense but it's hard to write down my thoughts sometimes. it's like they're too complex for even MYSELF to understand.

i just don't really know who i am. or what i want to be, really. i have some friends, and i'm sincerely grateful that i do, but i don't know if they're the type of friends that will offer me security. i love them, but we sometimes have issues, and i don't even know if we have enough in common. when i talk to them i feel like i change myself a bit (sometimes). but i do that with most people. i really don't know. friends are more complicated than i ever imagined. i guess because i never really had any.

i feel like people will tell me a personality trait of mine, or tell me they remind me of someone, and i won't agree with it at all. that's how they see me? and it isn't always bad, it just isn't me. am i just putting on a front? or is this who i really am? even with my parents, i feel like my dad especially bases my interests on who i was when i was younger. i feel like nobody really knows me, which i - weirdly enough - find myself to be a bit proud of for whatever reason. but at the same time, i don't even know myself. so is it really anything to be proud about?

i had my first kiss a few weeks ago (yes, at my big age) and it just wasn't anything i had expected. i don't even think i wanted to do it really, i just thought to myself "when will you get the chance again?" it was a guy from tinder. we'd went on our first date that day. he was surprised when i said i'd never kissed anyone. i didn't keep kissing him because i particularly liked it, but because i wanted practice. sounds horrible but it's unfortunately true. he also touched my boobs which made me feel sort of violated (it was my fault, when he asked i said "i guess"). the whole time it made me wonder if i even like men. but that's a whole other topic i don't think my brain is ready to get into. anyway, we stopped talking because he was trying to get close to me and i wasn't feeling him like that. it made me feel like something was wrong with me, because he was a nice guy. i just felt like things went too fast and we had no chemistry. plus he said some weird stuff. it made me feel sad that i didn't have this experience in high school. will i ever be able to find my first love in a cute way? or will it be from a dating app? sounds pretty sad to me.

i guess i'm just pretty noncommittal. and picky. which i suppose is a good thing. i don't know. talking to guys is fun and thinking about a relationship with one is sometimes cute, but then i really think about it, and it just feels icky. maybe i should worry about making some more friends before i get into the dating world. every time i talk to a guy, i sometimes think of us potentially dating, but for the most part i just like having someone to talk to and flirt with a little. which, yeah, i guess it sounds like i'm leading them on. but i don't owe anyone anything. it's not like i ever said i was looking for a relationship.

i just feel like all the things i'm doing right now, it's too late. i'm too old. i should have experienced these things earlier. in some aspects, i'm ahead of my peers. but in others, like the things i talked about above, i am way behind. it's like, in high school, i put so much focus on certain things and forgot to focus on all different aspects. and now i feel behind.

i guess i just wish things could have been different. i wish i could have been different. yes, some things were out of my control, but others weren't. i did some of this to myself.

it's odd because for years i've been known as the "quiet, mysterious girl" and have heard that all my life. but then one of my friends says i'm not quiet or mysterious at all. that i talk a lot. so what am i then, really? why do some people describe me differently than others? am i really a quiet girl? i don't understand. the guy i kissed told me he thought i was very confident, until of course i told him i'd never had my first kiss. which is another part of my identity crisis. i'm not confident. i don't get it. how do you even find yourself? when you already thought you had for years.

anyway. i don't know why i'm going through an identity crisis now, it just seems so random. why not last year? that would've made more sense - first year of college. i guess i'm just confused about everything. i want to know who i am, and i want people to like that version of me. i want people to understand me, and i want to open up, but it's hard. especially when i don't feel people perceive me in the way i want to be perceived.

there's probably more i could say, but my brain is dead for whatever reason. i suppose i got out the majority of what i've been thinking about, though. i never realized how awkward it is to end these posts. see you next time, i guess?

[aloneandunreal]

july 12, 2022

i have not posted since the beginning of may. i feel like i always begin my new entries with something to that sort of effect: "i've not posted in awhile" "wow! it's been awhile since i posted." but i really don't know how else to start these entries. i've been skimming some of them, and i wonder if they're actually emotional and might cause someone to think, but i romanticize my writing too much. it's probably just me complaining about something rather. usually the same topics: love, friends, my past, school, etc. maybe this entry will be different, but i sincerely doubt it. i guess i just want whoever is (not) reading this that i am aware i'm just a stupid teenage girl complaining about things. well, hardly a teenager anymore. i turned nineteen 2 weeks ago. which is weird, because it feels like just yesterday i created this account. sixteen, and worried about turning seventeen, as if it was such a big deal. i don't know why i was so anxious about it at the time. i'm nineteen now, and i didn't really feel anything. i think when i turn twenty things will feel different for me. then i'll really feel older. things will feel more real. the years are going by quickly, which is stupid of me to say since i'm not "old" by any means, but it just makes me wish i didn't rush my younger years away. i was always so obsessed with being older and now that i am, i wish i had cherished my younger years. i wish things had been different. i had the world in my hands when i started high school. middle school, even. i could have been anything. but i wasn't, not really. nothing special. nevertheless, i still romanticize those years sometimes. which, i know, as an adult, i need to move on from. but the small moments of feeling like an actual child i want to try and keep. to remember. the moments that i felt were important and worth reminiscing. if that makes any sense, but i doubt it does. i am not exactly sure how to put it into words. i guess i just wish i could have had a more memorable childhood/teenage experience. despite this, i don't think about the past as much as i used to. i don't fixate on it like i once did. there are things i regret, things i wish i had done differently, but there isn't much i can do about it now.

as a woman, i feel as if girlhood is such a complicated and complex thing. it makes me a little sad to think that has now ended, and i feel i didn't experience girlhood as i should have. but, at the same time, maybe i did. girlhood is different for every person. and thinking about it, maybe mine was not as unconventional as i thought it was. still, it's a topic i'm very interested in in general. from turning to a "girl" to a "woman" and when exactly that change is. sixteen? eighteen? twenty? i suppose the answer is different for everyone. for me, it's hard to say. i'm nineteen but i still feel like i'm in my sixteen year old body sometimes. which i hate. it confuses me. and also how, at thirteen, people thought i was older than i actually was. "mature" -- mentally. but now, i am my age. what was so different about me at thirteen? why was i considered mature? many thought i was the age i am now when i was thirteen. why? was that what made me want to grow up so quickly? i'm not sure. there's many factors and answers to 'why' i wanted to be older, but i can't exactly pinpoint which one.

being a young girl, everything is so much more of a big deal. reading old diary entries, i was so dramatic. it's almost as if i believed the world revolved around me, that i was the only one who had these sorts of feelings. but, truth is, most teenage girls feel that way. the same feelings i had, or something similar. maybe they expressed them differently than me, maybe they didn't.

i was so fixated on being sad, on feeling like an outsider. i tried to turn my sadness into something beautiful, and i still do sometimes. i was and still am so comfortable in being sad that i can't fathom ever being completely happy. which is wrong, but it's comforting to wallow in my own sadness. it's something i've always done. that's why i still write these entries. even in my happiest moments, i always am sad by the end of them. at the end of every night on each of my birthdays, i would cry, even if the day had been completely fine. after hanging out with friends, i would lie in bed in night afterwards and cry because it was over and i wouldn't have that moment again. at least not in the exact same way. or when i was so anxious and would constantly overthink turning seventeen, which really isn't a monumental age at all. i guess that's just how it is as an emotional, deep-thinking teenage girl. the fact that i did not cry on my nineteenth birthday perhaps shows some sort of growth out of and away from my teenage years. i don't know. it's weird leaving it behind, because it was such a big part of my identity and this is my last year of "it." though, many think teenagehood ends the second you turn eighteen. i guess it does in some ways, but i'd disagree that you turn into an adult as soon as you are eighteen, fresh out of high school.

sometimes, i do miss the normalcy of high school. it's a lot more complex than that but i don't really want to get into it. i want to move past it, and i believe i have for the most part. high school seems so small and insignificant compared to college. which, truthfully, it is. i feel i've learned more about myself in this single year of college than i had in my four years of high school. i might have changed, but i never learned anything new about myself. i always was oblivious to it or the change was so subtle it didn't matter.

looking back, i can almost smile at some of the memories i have of high school, no matter how small. of being a stupid teenager. thinking i knew everything. gossiping with friends. making fun of teachers, thinking we knew more than them, and maybe in some ways we did. hating the smell of the lunchroom. walking to class, trying not to step on anyone's shoes. waiting for last period to finally be over. hoping to get a good seat on the bus in the morning, and saving the spot next to me for a friend, but we wouldn't talk except for a mere 'hello.' the beginning of the school year, when it was still warm, and the sun glistened against the window pane. hoping my hallway crush noticed me even though i wouldn't dare look them in the eye. waking up at 5:50am every morning, and having the best sleep ever on friday night because of it - i don't think i've ever felt so exhausted as i did then. i could go on. i'm trying to be poetic but it's probably not working. i romanticize everything, but i think we've established this.

i don't miss high school. not at all. but i would be lying if i said there were bits and pieces that i look fondly back on and feel nostalgia. even the bad parts, up until the very end. at the end of high school, no matter how popular or unpopular you are, no matter how much you hated it, there is always a very small bit of belonging and community at the end. prom, graduation. i remember for my graduation, we of course went in alphabetical order, and most of the people who's last name had the same first letter as me, i knew because i'd been with them forever. whether that be all the way back to elementary, when we were told to line up in alphabetical order. or in high school, when teachers would assign us seats based on last name. before me was a girl i had known since elementary school. we didn't talk in high school, though sometimes she would smile at me. she was the one girl who always stuck up for me in elementary when i would get bullied. in high school, i knew she only smiled at me because she pitied me, but nonetheless it was still nice. and while we were waiting for our names to be called, we talked. small talk. it was nice, but weird. i hadn't genuinely had a conversation with her for years. we chatted about where we were going to school, what we were doing that summer. she seemed to have a lot more going for her than i did, but she'd always been a high achiever. anyway, my point of this story, was that talking to her, and other kids i hadn't spoken to in years... it really made me feel a sense of belonging. just for those last few hours before we were declared high school graduates.

i really need to stop going on about high school, teenagehood, etc. it's probably weird of me to be so fixated on it. but i'm not, i really am not. i just felt like reminiscing about it for this entry, and to bring up college and how my first year went. how it finally made me feel detached from high school, how i'm sort of moving on. i did not peak in high school by any means, it's just that i miss that sense of normalcy, as i noted above. how there was an odd sense of community for me, being in high school, even if i didn't feel it or realize it at the time. now that i'm in college, i feel it here too, but in a very different way. whether that's in a good or bad way, i'm not entirely sure. maybe both.

it would be a lot to talk about my first year. i'm sure i've spoken about it in previous entries, anyway. i'm just going to speak about the more memorable parts and how i've grown as a person. i made friends and i did normal "college student" things. like going to parties, drinking, making friends, being involved in an extracurricular, developing a crush... all things i didn't really have in high school. it was fun, and parts of me will miss some of the things i had my first year. things i won't have again, at least not in the exact same way. people will change, i won't be in my freshman year dorm or anyone else's, the extracurricular i'm in will be different because people have graduated, etc. things are going to change, but not necessarily in a bad way. still, i want to think back on these moments i've had and cherish them, as dramatic as that sounds. because they're moments i won't have again. at least not in exactly the same way. which is okay, but it still feels like a loss in some ways.

college has definitely been a place where i've grown and i hope that continues to happen. i hope things continue to go well for me. i really do. spring semester was really amazing - i finally felt like i belonged somewhere. it felt like things were really, truly beginning for me. and then, just like that, the semester was over. "see you in august." so i hope i can pick up where i left off. maybe not exactly where i left off, but that's okay. as long as i don't repeat fall semester 2021, i'm okay. i'm excited for this semester, though of course nervous, when am i not. i know it's so dramatic writing this, but spring semester i truly felt the happiest i had in awhile and i want that to continue so badly.

i've grown a lot in those 15 weeks of spring semester. i'm truly quite proud of myself. and as i've said, i want this streak to continue. i may not ever be truly, 100% happy, but 2022 has been a great year for me so far and i hope it continues to go that way. i'm happy i went through with things i was once scared to do, happy that i'm putting myself out there.

i know nobody will read this, but if you miraculously are, i hope i don't sound completely crazy. these journal entries are a way i can express my feelings, even if they make no sense at all. whatever i'm trying to get across, i could probably say in a more intelligent and deep way, but i'm just going to type and hope for the best. i don't want to try too hard, i'm just writing how i feel. maybe one day i will accurately be able to express my feelings and memories in writing, but for now, this is what i've got.

in order, are the songs i listened to while writing this, in order from the beginning to end. you can figure out yourself at what point in my writing i started a new song. i feel the songs and some of the lyrics are significant for whatever reason. from writing about girlhood, to highschool, and then to college.

show you a body - haley heynderickx

"i'm letting you go, i'm letting you go awry"

"and fate is a sundress, ripped at the thigh"

"i am humbled by breaking down"

piledriver waltz - alex turner

"i heard an unhappy ending, it sort of sounds like you leaving"

"if you're gonna try and walk on water, make sure you wear your comfortable shoes"

starman - david bowie

"there's a starman waiting in the sky, he'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds"

thank you for reading, though i doubt anyone did. this felt really nice to write, but these journal entries honestly always feel pretty freeing to write. i don't edit them and don't read them back, and that's the best part, though i likely do sound pretty stupid sometimes.

i feel this is the one entry i've written that actually is somewhat positive, that shows some sort of growth. maybe i'm just delusional, though. well, i'll see you next time, whenever i need to write my feelings out again.

[aloneandunreal]

may 1st, 2022

"'cause you're just a man, it's just what you do"

a lyric from lana del rey's song "norman fucking rockwell" that i could relate to in a way, at least with the situation i've been in lately. it's not even really a situation, just me being dramatic, but what's new. i haven't posted on here in awhile, actually, and there is a surprising amount of updates. but i don't think i'll get into it. at least not entirely. long story short, things have been good lately. it's spring semester, finals are coming up. a bit nervous for that, and just the fact that my freshman year is... well, about to be over. that's a bit weird to think. but anyway, back to lana del rey and me being somewhat poetic (jokes). i have a crush on this guy, yes, i know, crazy. i haven't had a crush on anyone in years, so it's weird having one. on one hand, it's nice. just to have someone to think about and (secretly) think up scenarios of being together. and just the excitement (and nervousness) of seeing him. but on the other hand, it's disappointing, to be frank. men are disappointing, and i'm saying that in a "everyone knows this" type of way. they are. they just don't have the same emotional depth as women, they hardly ever think. they're not very thoughtful. i know this is stereotyping, but at least with guys my age, it's true. and it's not necessarily a negative thing, it's just something they don't realize. and the guy i like is, well, sort of like this. he's just oblivious i think. i don't think he knows i like him like that, which is both a good and bad thing. good, because all my life, crushes have been something that you've kept a secret and not pursued unless you were pursued first. bad, because then he doesn't know i'm interested. not that he would even be interested in me in the first place, but yanno. a girl can wish.

there have been some signs of him being interested in me, but then i have to remember he's just... a man. he doesn't think so deeply into gestures as i -- and many other women -- do. these "gestures" i've been reading into probably mean nothing to him, but everything to me. it's unfortunate. but maybe, just maybe, he does know what he's doing. maybe there is a lick of interest there. but i'm going to try not to get my hopes up. which i've already failed, so i'm not sure why i'm saying that. i still read into basically everything he does. but, my friends tell me that some of the stuff he does definitely shows interest. BUT, my friends are also women. and we all look too deeply into everything. i need to be more chill and nonchalant with my crushes, but it's hard. i just want someone to show genuine interest in me. which is impossible, i guess. i don't think anyone could ever really love me romantically, find me pretty, you know. but anyway, enough about insecurity. i talk about that too much.

this guy... he's just... complicated, but also not really. he's so UNcomplicated, that he's started to confuse me. if that makes sense (it doesn't). i've considered -- many times -- whether i should give up or not. i'm not the type to be very outward and obvious with my interest (at least i don't think so) and i don't plan on telling him i like him anytime soon. he's an odd character, and every time i see him i always learn something new, and it's usually something odd. as i said, he's a character. i won't go into it, though -- his weird, random interests -- just the way he is. he's an awkward guy. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, i'm awkward too, but he's different. this makes it hard to express my interest, because he doesn't seem like a "regular" type of guy. i can't just tell him i like him straight-up, that would be entirely too forward and i feel that it would scare him and i'd be embarrass. and i would have to face him for the entirety of the next year -- we are in the same club. and i work there, too. yikes. so i'm not doing that, unless he makes it obvious he is interested in me. i know this sounds so middle school, but i can't help it. it's just my thought process at the moment.

he's also a huge flake (i know this because he always will agree to hanging out with people, and then say never mind, and that he "has too much work") and doesn't seem very reliable. which isn't great, if i want to hang out with him someday. because he'll just cancel on me, probably. and i don't want to beg for his attention, i want him to give that to me on his own free-will. that probably won't happen.

some of my friends don't really understand what i see in him, and i can't lie, i'm starting to agree a little. i mean, he's cute. i think he's kinda cool, but dorky. pretty good music taste when he wants to listen to anything other than metal. he's usually nice to talk to. good fashion taste. but then there's the cons: dorky, flaky, kind of an airhead sometimes, and said something to me once that was kind of disrespectful. but i tell myself he didn't mean it like that... and that, well, he's just a man. that's what they do. they don't always think very hard about the things they say.

his friends are another thing. nothing bad about them in particular, it's just that they sort of intimidate me. not because they're cool or anything, but just because i don't know how i'd fit in or if they'd like me. i wouldn't want to be apart of his group, really. but they intimidate me for whatever reason, despite all being dorks (not that that's a bad thing). he has this one friend, who is a girl, that i've talked to. she's nice, albeit a bit awkward and, well, dorky. we talked about a musician we liked and had in common. she's pretty, and although i don't think the guy i like is interested in her, i still am intimidated by that. i wish i could look like a normal girl and be comfortable with myself. she seems so comfortable in her interests and who she is as a person. i don't. i question my every move, and it still ends up looking awkward, whatever i do. i look uncomfortable in what i wear. how i do my makeup. i just care so much about how i'm perceived. i want to be cool, that's how i wish i could be perceived. but i'm not, and i know that. i'm just known as a quiet girl. and that's what he said to me, the guy i like. the disrespectful thing i mentioned in the paragraph above.

the club i work at was doing interviews to take over people's positions on the executive board we have. i didn't plan to interview, knowing i wouldn't get a position, and honestly not being very interested. but after finding out most people were doing it, i decided to too, just to see. and the guy i like was going for the same position as me. but i got it. i still am not entirely sure why, probably because i'm a freshman and won't be leaving for awhile, which makes me insecure. i hope that's not the only reason why they hired me. but anyway, i told him when we went out to dinner with a few other people. he said congratz, and kept asking me what type of questions they asked me at the interview. grilling me about it. i told him what i could remember, and then i said "i'm not really sure why i got the position." which was stupid, because it let him have leeway into saying something rude. he said, "well, you probably got the position because you're quiet and easy to boss around."

i went off on him a bit, and everyone at the table did, too. he apologized profusely. i said it was okay, but that you just don't say that sort of stuff to people. i'm over it now, but it still makes me think. is that how i'm perceived? some quiet girl who can't speak up for herself? who can be stepped over? who is boring? i mean, that's not necessarily incorrect... but still. i wish i could be known for more than being quiet (or forgotten entirely). i want to be known as the cool girl, and i'm so obsessed with being seen as that. i want to change myself to fit what i consider "cool." but anyway, that definitely stung -- what he said -- the more i thought about it. that's how he sees me, i guess. this was awhile ago, and maybe his perception of me has changed as we've gotten to know each other a bit better, but... well. i don't know. and i hate that. that's the thing, he's so hard to read. i wish i knew what he thought of me, but maybe i don't. i got a peak into his mind -- what he thinks of me -- when he said that. so maybe i don't want to see how else he views and thinks of me. i hope it's changed. i want to be seen as a person with interests, not a quiet girl who can be stepped over. and i think he learned that, in a way, when i called him out. so fuck him for that, honestly. he deserved us yelling at him. and i hate the fact i felt bad about yelling at him afterwards. HE DESERVED IT. he did. he needed to be told off. but i still felt bad, because i can be a people-pleaser. and on top of that, i like him. i want him to like me. but i'm still proud that i said something. i wouldn't have done that five years ago. maybe not even three years ago, if we're being real.

anyway, the semester is about to end. summer break. i won't see or talk to him until the fall. which is okay, and expected. but i'll probably think about him over the summer, and he won't think of me. nobody will. stupid, stupid. but what's new with me. i don't even know if i'll talk with him next year, either. the only reason we really "talk" now is because my show at the club we're at is right after his. other than that, well...

so that makes me a little sad. but maybe things will be different, who knows. i really like him, honestly. he's all i've been thinking about lately and it's kind of fucking me up, i'm not going to lie. it's distracting. i just want him to like me, which is why i read into every little thing he does, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it means something. anything. it sucks that i'm getting so worked up over this crush of mine, he's just some guy. but i can't help it.

i'm going to try to take things less seriously with him. it's not the end of the world if he doesn't like me, there are so many other people out there. but i still like him, despite that, because he's in the club i'm in. he's easy access. he's right there for me. our shows being put next to each other must have meant something, like it was fate or something. that sounds stupid, so let's pretend i don't really believe that.

the more i think about being in a relationship with him -- or anyone, for that matter -- i'm not so sure how to feel. relationships seem great in retrospect. but the more i think about it, really think about it, when "the chase" is over... well, it doesn't seem as fun anymore. i romanticize relationships and people in my head so much that when i actually get the chance to be in one, or when i have a crush, i'm disappointed. and that's exactly it: i'm disappointed. men are disappointing. not always, but usually. sometimes the guy i like will do something good, something that makes me smile when i think about it, and so it'll be utterly disappointing the next time i see him and he says nothing, or says something dumb, or our conversation leads nowhere. but maybe i just expect too much from him. he's just a man, what more did i expect?

to end this, i just want to be loved. i want to feel loved. or, to put it less dramatically, liked romantically. by him, or really anyone i like for that matter. but why do i long so much for a relationship when they don't seem so great the harder i think about it? i don't know the answer.

"as my ugly mouth kept runnin': love me, love me" - boyish, japanese breakfast

[aloneandunreal]

february 1st, 2022

i haven't posted in awhile! about four months. you'd probably think that was a good thing since whenever i post on here it means i'm upset, but i actually just didn't have the energy to type out all of my feelings. i guess now i do though. i know nobody reads these, but even when i read some of these entries back, i cringe. it's basically just me complaining and being annoying and talking about the same thing every time. but oh well, it still feels nice to put what i'm thinking somewhere. i had an actual journal i wrote in when i was fourteen - fifteen but i filled it all up. plus, writing makes my hand hurt after awhile. typing is definitely easier. anyway, i've looked through my old journal a couple of times and it's just funny looking back on everything that i was writing. the person i was then. it's very much a journal of a teenage girl, and i love that. some of the writing in there is actually quite good if i can say so myself - there's this one poem i wrote in there that i am genuinely proud of. i wish i had it now, i just remember it was a poem about a boy in my ninth grade english class. i didn't have a crush on him, but he would always look at me. i don't think he thought i was cute, but for whatever reason, it sparked inspiration in me and i decided to write a poem about it/him.

anyway. the journal makes me feel sad in a way whenever i reread it, maybe even melancholic. both because it's weird looking back on the person i was then, and also because of how mean i was to myself. i still am, but it hurts to look at these awful things i was writing about myself at such a young age. it's hypocritical of me to feel sad, though, because i still do the same exact thing as i did then. sometimes i wish i could redo my teenage years. but at the same time i don't. it's a weird feeling. i mean, i still am a teenager technically, but it's just different now that i'm in college. it's not the same as being in your younger teen years. but i don't know why i yearn so much for it when my teen years were some of the worst years of my life. i wish i didn't concentrate so much on the past - but it's extremely hard for me to move on. it always has been. in a year or two, i'll be missing this time of my life, too, despite it not being anything special.

college has been okay. it's spring semester now, i got good grades in the fall semester so i hope the same happens for spring. i still don't have any friends, which is hard. hard because i am lonely, but also hard because it makes me feel like a complete and utter loser. i wish i could just fit in with those in my age range. i always feel like such an outsider. it's just hard for me to make friends, i'm ugly and weird and awkward. it sucks, but it is my fault, so i can't complain much about it when i know i'm the problem. and don't even get me started on romantic relationships...

as i think i mentioned in my previous entry, i feel somewhat jealous (and even bitter) about my high school friends seemingly having such a nice time at college and having friends, yadda yadda. like, i'm happy for them, but it makes me sad because i wish that were me. i wish i could change myself. i want to be a pretty girl that everyone thinks is cool. but firstly, that's impossible. and secondly, i haven't really changed much in years. everyone seems to be changing except me -- piercings, tattoos, new haircuts, fashion, and even personality. i feel like almost the same person i was 3 years ago. i don't know why i can't change. i don't want the person i am right now to be the "final product" if you get what i'm saying. this can't be it. there has to be more than this.

i just feel so worthless lately. i'm not really good at much, not pretty, not very smart. there's just nothing to me, i feel. i have interests, but none that i've turned into a hobby. i wanted to join the radio station at my college but that's just been a mess, i don't even want to get into it. my first show is next tuesday and i don't really want to do it anymore. but then what am i going to? there aren't many other extracurriculars that interest me. ugh. sometimes i think to myself, "what if you just focus on education? you don't need friends or any of that. focus on getting your undergrad, and maybe after that you will finally feel like you have a place in the world." but then i realize i said the exact same thing to myself before my sophomore year of highschool. i wouldn't necessarily say it backfired on me, i did end up concentrating more on my education which was a good thing, but my social life was nowhere to be found. and i thought that my "after" - college - i would change. but no, i haven't changed at all. and that's why i don't know if i should stick with that idea.

i'm very unsure of myself, but the one thing i've always known is that i'm alone. and it feels like it's going to be that way forever. i know that's a bad outlook, but i can't picture myself making good friends or being in a friend group. maybe because i never really have been. i just can't see anyone liking me and enjoying my company. i just want to do normal friend things, but it feels impossible for someone like me. a few months ago, my roommate invited me to hang out with her and her friends. we went out for dinner, and then back to one of the girl's dorms to pregame. they were going to a frat, but i told them i just wanted to hang and then go back to my dorm when they were leaving for the frat. in the time that i was with them though, despite knowing they weren't "my type" of people, it still felt nice to be somewhat included. it's stupid, but some of the things we did, that all of them would consider normal, i've never had. like hanging out with a group and playing games together. doing hair and makeup. one of the girl's even straightened my hair. i've never had that. so it felt nice to finally be able to experience it, despite it being something so minuscule to anyone else.

i believe i mentioned this previously, but another thing i've been thinking about a lot is transferring schools. it's been on my mind ever since i committed to the school i'm at right now. i don't know if it's right for me, but it's hard because what if i'm wrong? and it won't be any easier for me to make friends at another school as a sophomore. people will already know each other and be used to the school, but i'll be new. there's just so many different worries i have about it, but at the same time i still want to do it. i don't know if i'm meant to be here. it's not a bad school by any means, just... i'm not sure it's for me. it wouldn't be the end of the world if i stayed here though, it's not like i completely hate it. i wish i could just redo everything and know what the perfect school for me was. but that's, of course, impossible.

overall, i just want to be somewhat happy. i want to feel like i have a place in the world. i want to like myself. i want the world to be a beautiful place - it sure doesn't feel like it right now. i want friends. and maybe even a partner, but that's pushing it. i want to be pretty. i want all of these things but they seem so far away right now. impossible to grasp. they don't even to seem to be in reach.

anyway, i think that is all for my journal entry tonight. i'm sure there's lots more i could write on and on about, but it seems pointless. goodbye for now.

[aloneandunreal]

october 10, 21

it's almost 12, so i guess technically this entry should be titled "october 11, 21" but i digress. tonight is definitely going to be a pity party/feeling bad for myself type of night, but when is it not with me? anyway, things have not been the best lately, mostly due to not having friends and other changes that have happened in the past few weeks. i'm in college and i just feel very lonely. i know it's my fault, but i'm trying. maybe not trying my hardest, but i sure am trying. it's very hard for me to make friends, it always has been. and i just get sad seeing other people have fun in college, wishing that was me in a way. maybe not going to frat parties, but i guess just my version of "fun", whatever that is. i don't even know. i mean, my one friend is currently having a grand time at college. they go to a different school than me and it seems they are having a lot of luck with friends and stuff like that. i'm happy for them of course, but i wish i was in their place. if i really wanted, i could be, but that's the thing. i don't want to try. i'm sick of trying. i just want these things to happen naturally like they do for lots of other people. this is going to be confusing, but i feel like, with everything "social" i have had to try so hard just to make an acquaintance or two, whereas with some people, they meet others easily and people talk to them. i know i need to try harder, but the thing is... i don't want to anymore. i've been waiting forever for my moment, both with finding friends, maybe a romance interest, or just anything that makes me happy, and i don't have it. why do i have to try so hard for such basic things when they come to other people so easily? it really sucks. especially since i am so, so sick of it. i'm trying to get more "involved" but it's hard. i am planning on joining the radio station at my school, and of course i have been anxious before every meeting. before the second meeting, i told my roommate i was nervous, so much so that i could hardly leave the dorm all day. what she said really hurt me but i know it's true. she said something along the lines of, "well, honestly, if i was you, i would have gone to community college or done online school. what's the point of paying all this money just to not leave your dorm? i mean, no offense or anything. that's just my thought process." again, i know it's true, but it still hurt a lot. because i feel as if i'm trying, but i guess it's just not enough. it never really is.

the even sadder thing is that when people talk to me or initiate conversation, it makes me really happy. for example, after the meeting at the radio station last week, some guy came up to me and introduced himself and we started talking. mostly small talk, like our majors and also about music we liked (since, i mean, we both are trying to get on the radio station). it was nice, and i'm sure he thought nothing of it, but to me it really meant everything, because he seemed cool and we had some things in common. i haven't really met or talked to someone who was on the same "page" as me, if that makes sense. i am sort of friends with this one girl from my psychology class, but we are nothing alike (genuinely), which makes it hard to talk to her. i don't think this "friendship" of ours will progress any further than it already has, but at least it's something. anyway, back to this guy. yeah. it just felt nice that he initiated a conversation. although this would be normal and nothing special to anyone else, it was to me. i kind of hope we can talk again but knowing my luck we probably won't. i'd be too nervous to initiate something anyway. god, it makes me feel like such a loser when i get happy over these dumb little things.

speaking of friends... i mentioned them a little bit above, but they seem to be having a nice time at college. i always thought of them as (maybe) a best friend, but never really called them that because i didn't want to assume. still, it felt like we were. but long story short, i'm not sure if they feel that same way about me. and it made me cry, really hard. which was embarrassing because it's really not that serious, but yeah. i won't go into detail how i found this out, just because i don't feel like getting into it. it definitely made me sad though. we're still friends of course, but now i obviously know they don't think of me as a best friend, even though i considered them to be mine. well, honestly, my only friend. which makes it even worse. i only have one true friend and they probably don't even consider me their best friend, like i considered them. awesome. i probably am jumping to conclusions, but it just makes me feel like i don't mean much to them, and i had no impact on them. i don't feel special. i wish i did. i never really have; i've never been anyone's "special" person. which is why this realization hurt me so much. i've always wanted to be that person to someone, but i never am, even when i think i am. and on top of that, just seeing that they're having a good time in college and making friends etc etc... i am happy for them of course! but also a little jealous. it just shows how they're moving on and i'm not. i'm still stuck on high school and how i felt like an outcast then, and i still feel the same, even in college. i'm probably being dramatic, but that's just how i feel. i'm such a loser. and i know my issues are such first-world-problem types of issues. i probably shouldn't be complaining this much.

i also am not sure whether or not the college i am currently at is where i am supposed to be. maybe it is, i just have not experienced it enough yet. or maybe i truly belong somewhere else. i just feel sort of unwanted here. just like i did in my hometown and my high school. i thought things might be different, but they're not. i go home every weekend because there's nothing to do here on the weekend unless you have friends. and i don't feel very much wanted at home either. i just feel out of place everywhere i go. it's only been (hardly) 2 months, but i'm wondering if this is the right place for me. but maybe it is, and i'm just not trying hard enough. perhaps if i transfer things will be exactly the same. and it would be embarrassing transferring. all this money, college merch, everyone knows i go here, etc. i'm already settled here, i might as well deal with it. sometimes i really wish i had gone to a school in the city. new york city was where i wanted to be for years now, and i toured so many new york city schools, just to stay here in my state. it saves money, but am i really happy here? i hope things get better, i really do. i quite honestly don't want my family to have to deal with me transferring. just for things to be the exact same at a different school. ugh, i hate thinking like this. i try to blank these thoughts out of my mind, but i can't help it. in high school, i always told myself i would be different in college, but here i am. pretty much the exact same. and i KNOW, i know it's my fault. if anyone's reading this, just know that i know. but i'm sick of continually trying and failing. i really just wish i was a different person entirely. i feel like a complete good-for-nothing burden to everyone. and these type of thoughts scare me, because of course i always have them, but they have been very prominent lately. i really don't want things to get "bad" again... if you know what i mean.

i'm used to being and feeling lonely, but this truly sucks. i'm not really sure what to do, or how to feel, really. i want things to get better, i really do, but they won't unless i put in effort. which is hard. i hate how the things that are so hard for me come so easily to other people. i'm definitely envious. even if i were to try harder... how? what am i even aiming to do, anyway? everything seems so pointless. ugh, i probably sound like your average edgy teenager but i don't know how to word this in a more "mature" and less cringey way. not that it matters, it's not like anyone's reading this big fat blob of self-pity. i probably will never read this again after writing it.

i don't know what to do, and i'm confused at the moment. i don't want college to be high school part 2 (but this time with adult responsibilities). anyway, i guess i should end this now. it's getting long and annoying. hopefully by my next entry things will be different... but whenever i am uploading an entry onto this blog, that means things are not going well. but yeah, goodbye for now. maybe i'll get really lucky and something out of a movie will happen to me.

[aloneandunreal]

september 12, 21

aaand i am back. and better than ever. haha, just kidding. i started college a couple weeks ago though, as i mentioned i was going to in my previous entry. it's alright here - the workload and classes aren't completely terrible yet. the main problem i'm having right now is making friends. it's really hard honestly. everyone said college wasn't as clique-y as high school, but that was a total lie. it definitely is clique-y. which is why it's hard to make friends. yes, it's not even been a month, and i'm just throwing myself a pity party. i know! but i can't help it. i wanted things to be different than high school but i don't know if they will be. it's not that i'm not used to being lonely -- i was lonely almost the entirety of high school. it's just that i thought things might be different... but i guess things can only be different if i do something to fix/change them. it's hard though.

my roommate is quite nice but she's just very extroverted and already has plenty of friends, which is fine, but it means she is hardly ever in the dorm with me. i keep relying on her to do things with me, and i need to stop because i can't rely and cling to her forever. i need to make my own friends. as mentioned, though, it's really hard for me. tonight i tried to go out of my shell a bit when my roommate invited me to go to the dining hall with her and 2 of her friends for dinner, but it was just awkward (for me at least) and i felt unwanted. as i expected, but i went only because i didn't want to go to the dining hall myself (another ginormous fear of mine - the dining hall).

but yeah, i'm not feeling very happy about things. i'm most likely just being dramatic but at the same time i'm just unsatisfied. classes are chill for the most part (at least for now) and the campus is nice and pretty, i just wanted to be going to college in a big city so bad (specifically new york), and i'm not. it isn't the hugest deal, and i'm grateful to at least be going to college, plus it's only been 2 or so weeks that i've been here, but i'm not totally sure how i feel being here. i want to thrive here..but will i? i have doubts. and yes, i know i have to work on it, things don't happen naturally, but still. on top of that, the college i'm at has a town nearby that is pretty cute, but it's definitely not a CITY city. so, other than that, there isn't much to do around here. which sucks. so i've been coming home on the weekends because i have nothing to do here on the weekends. i don't necessarily want to go home, but what the hell would i do here? i don't have friends. it sucks, and i feel like i don't belong anywhere, even at home. in high school, i never felt like i belonged and always felt like an outsider, so whenever i go back home, it just feels like that all over again. especially since i am so disconnected from my town now and even my family. but at the same time, i feel i don't belong at this college either because i haven't really made any friends. which is my own fault, but that's been established plenty of times already.

i don't know if i necessarily want to transfer since i've hardly been here 2 weeks and need to give it more of a chance. but i just am not sure how i feel about things/being here. plus, it makes me feel bad considering transferring because i've already got somewhat comfortable here and i don't know where i'd transfer anyway. but ever since the beginning, i wasn't sure how i felt about the school i am currently at. my sights were set on new york, but i ended up staying in state. i guess because it was close, saved money, and because it isn't a horrible school - when i went on a college tour, i actually quite liked it. but i was never completely 100% on going here. i guess there's nothing i can really do about it now. i hate that i keep thinking about transferring, it makes me feel bad, i'm basically wasting time and money. and on top of that, i just wished i had chosen the "right" school initially - whatever school that is (and maybe it is this one, i just haven't realized it yet)

i don't want things to be like high school again, but it feels like it in a way. i just really hate myself for this.

other than that whole dilemma, nothing too crazy has been going on. i did get a dating app, which was huge since i've never really been on one before. it boosted my ego in a way, but i hate that because it's really just false confidence. i don't understand why male validation makes me feel so good about myself. i did end up talking to a few people, and one of them in specific, i quite liked him initially, and things went well. but things went downhill (long story) and it made me a little sad. i don't think he's interested anymore, which hurts. not because i really liked him or anything, but because it felt nice to be wanted, just for a second. we even made each other playlists, and now we're hardly talking to each other. but i guess i should have expected this from a dating app. i'll get over it soon, but as of now, it kind of makes me sad. i want to be in a relationship... i guess. i mean, the thing is, i want to be in a relationship, but i don't know if i want the commitment of a relationship. on another note, i hate how this dating app thing has become such a big part of my life now. i always talk about it which is probably annoying to other people. and it makes me feel and seem like such a loser. is getting a dating app really the only excitement in my life? that's sad. but i just want to feel loved by someone i guess.

i feel like such a loser. my life is so unexciting. i hardly have friends, never do much, etc... i kind of hope school picks up soon so that i'll have something to occupy myself with. but as of now, i'm stuck with my thoughts. don't really have anyone to talk to. not that i'd want to talk about this anyway, i'd just sound stupid and dramatic. plus, even when i do talk about serious things with other people, i always turn it into a joke, which makes people think it's less serious than it actually is.

i really hate myself for all of this but i can't help it. i don't know what to do. i know i need to put myself out there more, but it is genuinely so hard for me. i can deal with loneliness, but i'm sick of it. i've dealt with being and feeling lonely for almost my entire life. i just want things to be different. but i guess for now, i'm going to have to deal with it.

that's really all for now. i wish i didn't feel this way, i really do. i hope things get better.

[aloneandunreal]

august 20, 21

wow, haven’t posted on here in awhile. it wasn’t because all my problems suddenly went away and i all of a sudden became a new person, rather i just was too lazy to write because whenever i do, it ends up being 5 pages long. but anyway, i graduated high school in june, which was a bit ago. there was a bit of sadness that came with it i guess, but i got over it quickly. often i look back on my last “real” year of high school and feel sad. i was a junior two years ago this august, and honestly, the first few months of my junior year were quite nice, at least from what i can remember. yes, i was stressed about things but what’s new? i would say my junior year — in the beginning at least — i was most happy. once it hit december everything kind of went down the drain, but at least i got a decent few months. i don’t really know why it was so good, i just remember feeling slightly more confident for whatever reason. yes, i had a job that I cried about before almost every shift, but let’s just forget about that. anyway, as i’ve mentioned in previous posts, i often reminisce about the past. like, A LOT. it usually happens every 1-2 years — so it’s not surprising i am feeling nostalgic about my junior year of high school, just how i felt my junior year about my sophomore year, blah blah.

anywho, back to the present I guess. or at least the past that wasn’t that long ago: i went to prom in may with a friend of mine, something I worried an awful lot about (what’s new) but it ended up being quite fun. i was actually very happy that day, and it’s something that i know in the next year or so i’ll be feeling sentimental about. sigh, i am so predictable. also, i just want to mention that i’m typing this on my phone right now, so the formatting might be odd and i have no idea how to do indents on here so it might just be a big blob of words.

anywho, it’s currently august. i’m going to college and will be moving in my dorm in about 4 days (the 25th). can you believe it? i can’t. and it terrifies me. i’ve been so anxious about it, so much so that it’s hard to even describe it. i’m sure most freshmen in college feel this way, but for me it’s just… different. this is something i have been worrying about since i was a freshman in high school. at first it was not knowing if I’d even get into college with my grades at the time, then it was not knowing what to major in and what direction I was going with my life (something which, personally, I think no 14-15 year old should need to worry about). now, i’m worried about how i will do in college. it’s a whole new thing for me, and the next few months are going to bring so much change. which I hate. i hate change, but it’s inevitable.

when i was younger, i originally wanted to go to art or film school (or even do something fashion related) but that went down the drain for reasons i don’t feel like explaining. so now i am a psychology major, which i’m satisfied with (for now). still, i never even thought i’d get here. by here, i mean college. as silly as this sounds, when i was around 14-15, i didn’t think i’d be making it to this point in my life. whenever i thought about me eventually going to college, i couldn’t see myself going. as in going anywhere - for whatever reason i thought i would die before i could go to college. because every time I thought of it, it was just a blank. a complete blank in my mind. but now of course here we are, i’m not dead. and unless i die in the next few days, i’ll be going to college. and i’m unsure how to feel. am i smart enough? probably not. am i independent enough? maybe in some ways. am i social enough? no. will i drop out? hopefully not, im already kind of a disappointment. will I be alone once again? again, i hope not, but i don’t have high hopes. but yes, a lot of questions that will be left unanswered. i don’t know if I’m good enough for college; there are so many different reasons why I feel this way but I don’t feel like getting into it. i’m lazy and my fingers hurt from typing, but future ava, if you’re reading this, i’m sure you already know why.

anyway, long story short: i’m scared. scared of the unknown and what’s coming for me in the near future. there’s so many different worries i have that i don’t even want to start to get into. i probably could but as mentioned previously, my fingers hurt. the last time I posted was March, so technically I could talk about many things that happened in the past few months, but who has the time for that? plus, nothing that interesting happens in my life anyway. but to end this current entry, i just want to say that i hope things go okay. or maybe even better than okay. i hope college is good to me. bye for now.

[aloneandunreal]

march 26, 21

wow, i really have not posted in a long time. i decided to post just because i feel like ranting i suppose, and this is what that account is for. i've been thinking about things a lot, but it doesn't feel right to push it onto a friend. most of it is meaningless anyway, or at least it would probably be meaningless and stupid to anybody else. but first of all, i cannot believe i created this account last may (i think?) and that's coming up on a year!

anyway, i've just been a bit sad and anxious about school/graduating and college. i think a lot of people feel this way, so it's not like my feelings are completely abnormal. still, i wanted to rant a bit about it. i don't really know where to begin. this year started off crazy, with school being online and all. i remember the night before school began i was so anxious knowing it was my senior year, but having slight hope that maybe, just maybe, things would go back to being somewhat normal and i could finish off high school feeling satisfied. i don't really think that's going to happen. even with all of the senior activities my school is trying to set up (graduation, prom, etc), it just won't be the same. they're talking about reopening for hybrid on april 17th or sometime around then, but even so, i don't think i'd go. it's a bit too late for that now, it would be kind of pointless, honestly. i've talked about this in (many) previous entries, but i just really, truly wish i could've had more of a senior year. or just more of a high school experience in general. there were some moments where i felt like a true, reckless teenager, but that was a small amount. a very small amount.

now, i don't particularly care about high school that much. i know if everything was "normal" i wouldn't be doing anything differently, but it would've been nice to be at my school, feeling accomplished because i was finally a senior. at the top. almost done. it doesn't feel like that now. because covid began in march of my junior year, and i haven't stepped foot in that school since then, i still feel like i'm sixteen. i feel as if i haven't learned anything or really changed at all. maybe if i could've had a normal end to my junior year and senior year things would've been different. last year i was terrified of turning seventeen, but now i cannot believe i'm going to be eighteen. it absolutely feels unreal. and i also cannot believe that little fourteen year old me romanticized this age so much -- it's really not that fun at all, sorry to break it to you 14 year old me.

it's even more odd how i kind of miss this time last year in a way. there were no video calls for school and, for the most part, it was kind of nice to be away from school and not having to worry about SATs and such. of course there were things to worry about, but at the same time, i don't know. i feel like i had more time. i was a junior, and that summer would be the summer before my senior year. in retrospect, it sounded fun. sometimes i wish i could have appreciated it more, but then i think to myself... i did? or at least i think i did. it was a pretty okay summer for covid. but now, now is really my last summer before college. i'm not going to be going back to the high school i've been at for the past few years. i'll be starting somewhere new. and that's terrifying to think about.

i regret a lot of things throughout my life, but especially my high school years. i really wish i could have enjoyed things more. my freshman year i was really depressed and doing horribly in school, sophomore year i did amazing academically but i had no fun and was too anxious to do... anything, really. and then my junior year of course got cut short. i just never got to experience being in a friend group, having my first kiss, getting a significant other, etc. thinking about it, it makes me feel like a total outcast. sometimes i'll be in class (well, on a video call), and we'll be having fun or laughing, and yes, technically the whole class is included, but i... just don't feel apart of my class. you know, class of 2021. i feel like an outsider. i'm there, but i'm not. i wish i could relate to kids my age more, understand their inside jokes, whatever. there are people i know of that i know for a FACT i'd be friends with... but i never got the chance to pursue anything because of anxiety and now... this. having no contact with anyone my age because we're no longer in school. overall, it's just hard to explain. i just want to feel included in something. i've always just been a loner. i mean, i sat by myself for two years in a row during lunch. junior year i sat with one friend, so that was an upgrade i suppose. i also always hated when we had parties or "fun days" in class, because that meant no learning. people would talk to their friends and i'd be sitting alone. they'd only talk to me if class was in session because they kind of... had to. i don't know. it's hard being a loner, especially when you don't want to be one. it's a bit too late to change anything now, whether that be making new friends, getting a s/o, etc. my school actually plans to have prom, and although anxious, i'm considering going with a friend. but, really, what am i going to do there? i have no friends besides her. i know she wouldn't ditch me, but at the same time, she'll probably gather with her friend group and i'll be standing there, silent, awkwardly listening. and it's fine if she wants to talk to her friends. but i wish i had a friend group like that. or at least a friend i'm close with. the girl i'm going to (potentially) go with isn't even great friends with me.

it's always been like that with my friends. i'm their one outsider friend. not included in their group, but still friends with them. and that's fine, i never felt the urge to try to squeeze and force myself into a friend group that wouldn't want me. but it just hurt sometimes when they'd treat me differently when i was with them alone vs. with them AND their friends. i'd never be included. sometimes one of my friends might completely ignore me when they're talking to their group or with a separate friend. and i'd just be there like a total, utter burden. i never understood why people treated me so differently when they were around other friends. sometimes i wouldn't even be with them, they'd just ignore me and go with their other friends. which is fine, it's fine, no sarcasm. but sometimes i just wish i could be that other friend, the friend who doesn't get ignored and treated differently. in so many different friendships, i have to go through those types of things. and it's confusing... why me? especially since it has become a trend. i just want to be A PART of something.

i guess this is a bit of a topic change now. but another thing i've been thinking about constantly, like any other teenager who has applied to college, is, well, college. yes, i've probably established that i'm terrified and don't exactly feel ready. yes, i've probably established that i don't know if i'll be good enough academically. what if college is just high school all over again? another wasted four years. but that's not my top worry about college right now. instead, it's the fear of not knowing what college to go to. i want to pick the right one; i don't want to be wrong. i've gotten accepted to most colleges i applied to, except one where i was waitlisted (a whole thing in itself), another where i was rejected, and two which have not given me a response yet. i've wanted to go to new york city for school for SO LONG, but i don't even know if that's where i'm going to end up, after so much talk about going there. i might not even end up in a city!

then of course is just the sadness that i'll feel when i get rejected from the one school i've been dreaming about for forever. you're going to laugh if you're reading this, but NYU. yeah. i don't know why i fixated on it, but i haven't gotten a response from them yet. i believe that comes on march 31st. and i have a strong feeling i'm going to get rejected -- i've had that feeling even before i applied to colleges, in the beginning of my junior year. and it's so stupid, because even if i was accepted, i likely wouldn't be able to pay for it. i guess i just want to get accepted so i'll actually feel worthy. so, if that doesn't happen, my self-worth is going down the drain, sadly. i'm not as fixated on NYU as i was, say, in the beginning of my junior year, but i will still be upset if i don't get in.

i feel so pretentious saying this, but i also want to go to a school with a low-acceptance rate. it will make me feel smart. which is DUMB, because there are some amazing high-acceptance schools. but i just feel like, if i go to a high-acceptance school (which i likely will), everyone will be like "of course she went to a high-acceptance school, she's not smart." which i KNOW is irrational and dumb, but it's something that won't leave my mind. i'm so insecure about my intelligence and all of this college stuff has really just made me feel worse. even when i do get accepted to colleges, i haven't felt happy. i haven't felt excitement or joy. and i wish i could. i wish there was some sort of excitement in me, but it doesn't feel like anything special. i just wish i had more of a direction on what college i want to go to or what i even want to do in life. it's so complicated and there's so many little things i'm worried about. if i could, i would explain, but it's hard for me to. some of these worries i can't even explain, they're that minuscule and dumb. overall, i just wish i could be happy with myself and feel accomplished. i don't feel that at all.

thirteen/fourteen year old me probably wouldn't be proud of the person i am now. she imagined someone completely different, i'm sure. i used to dream of graduation and the end of my senior year, now i'm dreading it. both because it's the END of high school and because i'm just nervous about all the attention that will be on me during that time. dumb, i know, i know. the end of high school, for me, will just be clicking the red "leave call" and that terrifies me, of how i'll feel when i leave that call, sitting back, realizing that that's it. it's over. and don't get me wrong, i do in fact want to graduate. i obviously do not want to stay in high school. i am excited for this to be over with. but, of course, at the same time, it's, quite honestly, terrifying.

but, i guess that's really it for now. i'm sure i could talk about this forever, unleashing all of my worries onto this tumblr account nobody will ever find or see or read. but i think now is a good time to stop. overall, i just wish things would be different. not just high school, but my whole life. i'd do anything to start over as someone new. but, alas, that will not be happening.

so, yes, that's it. i guess. i don't know when i will be updating this. maybe in a week, or maybe 3 days before graduation. who knows. (this is not edited, by the way, if anyone is reading this, so i'm sorry for any grammar or spelling errors or just overall cringe. none of my entries are edited).

[aloneandunreal]

december 16, 20

i haven’t posted in awhile. i guess i’ve just been busy and too burnt out to write much. i cannot believe it’s december already, i feel like school just started. it’s crazy how it’s almost january which i am absolutely not excited for. january is the worst month in my opinion. but, anyway, it’s truly mind-boggling how fast time is going and i honestly don’t know how to feel about that. i can’t believe it’s been a year since last december, it doesn’t feel that long ago. i feel like i haven’t changed much as a person at all. i still feel like sixteen year old me, even though i’ve been seventeen for almost six months now. i guess that’s because i didn’t technically get to finish my junior year, and am not really experiencing my senior year normally either. i just feel like... this is not where i’m supposed to be right now. it doesn’t feel right the fact that i’m a senior because i don’t feel like one at all. i can’t even see myself being a college student next fall. it’s really crazy. i know i talk about this all the time, and i know this entry will probably be a mile long where i talk about things that are irrelevant, but hey, it’s not like i’m getting graded for this.

i have mixed feelings about basically missing out on my entire senior year. there’s a part of me that’s okay with it because i knew i wouldn’t be doing anything special if life was normal right now. at least i don’t think i would be. it would just be like any other year. but at the same time, it makes me somewhat sad how i never lived the high school experience i wanted. this is the last time i will ever be a high school student, which feels very unreal. i will never experience these years of my life ever again, will never experience being a high schooler again after this. which... doesn’t feel right in a way. i don’t know how to explain it. i’m going to miss it in a way, but at the same time i know i won’t. i’m really just glorifying it. but still, i just have been a bit sad about that. my friend texted me the other day telling me about the yearbook and how they were using cap and gown photos for the yearbook, something they didn’t tell us, which was annoying because i hated those photos. it just makes me not want to buy a yearbook. what would be the point, anyway? what is it going to be filled with? school is all online. so that is another thing wasted that i’ve always wanted... a highschool yearbook. i know i’m being dramatic but it just won’t be the same. i won’t be able to go get signatures from my peers and previous teachers like i saw the seniors do when i was a freshman. i won’t feel the excitement of graduating because it won’t feel real i guess. i feel like i don’t deserve it. 

one thing i remembered which was very random was this boy who used to go on my bus when i was a freshman and sophomore. he was two years older than me. i don’t know why i’m thinking of him, because we never interacted, i just always had a weird interest in him. wanted to be friends. he would just sit alone on the bus, listening to music, just like me. i just felt this weird connection even though i didn’t know a thing about him. i never did end up saying hello to him, of course not, and after sophomore year i never saw him again. i wonder what he’s up to now. it’s a bit creepy and weird that i’m thinking of someone who probably has never thought of me let alone knows who i am, but i guess that’s just the type of person i am. but anyway, thinking of that made me kind of sad for whatever reason. even though this was probably all in my head, i truly saw myself in him somehow. we probably weren’t similar at all, but in my head i felt this weird connection. it’s a really odd feeling and i don’t know how to describe it. i just thought i’d mention that because i, for some reason, thought of him last night out of the blue after forgetting about him completely. sometimes i wish i would have just talked to him, but at the same time, maybe it’s good that i didn’t. i don’t know. i keep saying this but it’s just such an odd feeling that i cannot for the life of me describe. i’ve felt this way with a few people before, people who i hardly knew or people who i knew for a very small time in my life. never anyone who i got to know extremely well. i guess it’s just this type of feeling i get where i feel connected to them and feel as if we’re similar, or want to be like them. i don’t even know. 

although i did not peak in high school, there were a few times and memories where i did have that high school experience i wanted. there were only a few moments, though, and most of them i romanticize in my head to seem better than they actually were. but it’s something. memories that nobody else would care about, but i do. i am weirdly sentimental like that. 

i could go on for awhile about this topic but it’s hard organizing my thoughts so i think i will just leave it be for now and only write about things i can easily describe. 

overall, i just... can’t fathom the fact that i’m a senior. which makes me think back on the seniors when i was a freshman, wishing i was them for whatever reason. i thought they were so cool and i couldn’t wait to be their age. now look at me. it’s not as fun as i expected; it’s not what i expected at all, honestly. i knew i would never become the kids i thought of as “cool” but there was still some sort of glimmer of hope there. i wish i could have been a senior then. but i can’t, so i need to let it go. 

but it’s so hard for me to let things go. such small, minuscule things i hold onto forever. and i don’t know why i feel so sentimental over incredibly stupid, irrelevant things such as that boy i was talking about previously. it’s so dumb but i can’t help myself. 

i guess i just wish things were different. whether that be small changes or large changes, i don’t know. i wish i could have had a more fun high school experience, but alas, it’s not going to happen and i have to realize that. i have college i guess, but it won’t be the same. high schools sucks but at the same time i love to glorify it and make it seem better. like i do with almost anything. for example, sometimes i will look back on times on my life that were straight up HORRIBLE and miss them. will look back on them and feel nostalgic. which makes absolutely no sense considering i was so miserable then. i do not know why i do this and it always makes me feel so silly.

everything i’ve talked about so far, i don’t even know how to describe the overall feeling. i’m sad, but not crying sad. i’m not numb. i just don’t know what i am. and i wish i could just move on. instead, i’m listening to songs that i listened to throughout high school, remembering the memories that came along with them, no matter how small. and it’s so stupid. so, so stupid. i genuinely hate the fact that i am so sentimental and feel nostalgic all of the time. 

sometimes i want to listen to songs and write down the memory that goes along with them, but then it just sounds stupid and fake deep. probably cringey. but i dunno, it’s something i’ve always wanted to do. or see someone else do. i’d love to listen to a song as i read about another person’s memory they associate with it. 

there’s probably more i could write about, but that would go on forever and i don’t know if i want to write all that. i probably wouldn’t even reread it which is one of the reasons why i made this account. to look bad on these entries when i’m older. i could talk more about life right now, my classes, colleges i’ve applied to, etc, but it makes it seem too real. i like to live in my own dream world, which is basically just replaying old memories - both good and bad - and feeling sad about them. i guess it’s how i entertain myself. silly, i know, but it’s something i’ve done for as long as i can remember. 

i guess that’s all for now. i hope to write entries more often, but i don’t want to write just to write. i want to write when i actually have something to say. something to get off my chest. bye for now

ps: technically it’s december 17th now since it just turned 12 but it’s fine

[aloneandunreal]

october 8, 20

oh wow, i haven’t posted in here in AWHILE. i know i said i’d post after i started school or whatever, but i forgot and got busy and i guess didn’t have the time to really write anything. but i think i want to kind of... talk about something now i guess? just to get it out. obviously i could talk to my friends or rant on the internet, but i don’t know, i just feel like i’m probably being dramatic and annoying. plus all of this took place in the past, so why am i still so pressed about it? but before i get into that, i guess i’ll speak a bit about how school is going and my insecurities (as usual).

welp, school started and it’s interesting to say the least, especially considering it’s online. i’ve gotten used to it, but getting called on in class is always really awkward and so are the damn breakout rooms... god, my heart sinks when i have to do that stuff. the other day in my english class i had to present a video i made about myself to the class and man, that was so nervewracking. in my head it felt like a life or death situation. speaking of english, it’s been kind of... tough i guess? i mean, not really, i just don’t know how to feel about the teacher. honestly none of my teachers have stuck out and i haven’t stuck out to them (i never do). i’m taking my first AP class, AP psych which has made me insecure. i’ve wanted to major in this since last year but had never taken classes because i had decided too late. anyway, i just found it interesting. so, i decided to take the classes this year, to see if this is really what i wanted to major in for college. it is interesting, yes, but i also feel kind of dumb in the class. it’s a big fast-paced (as expected for AP) but i just feel like i’m not retaining any of the information. my teacher teaches us like 50 new vocab words every day and it’s just... ugh. especially when he gives out quizzes (that i get mixed scores on... usually B’s or C’s). whenever i get a “bad” grade, i get really upset about it because this is what i want to major in! how the hell am i going to major in this subject if i can’t even have a good grade in the class or on assignments? sometimes i think i know what’s going on, but then the quizzes come along and it’s just...ugh. it makes me feel real bad, that’s all. i feel too dumb for this major. i wish i hadn’t decided so late what i wanted to do. and i had such high hopes for it, i wanted to get my phd and everything... yet have a B in a high school psych class. most of it is memorization, okay, but i’m TERRIBLE at memorization type things. i’m trying really hard in this class and i don’t know if it’s paying off or not. i still find it interesting and am still going to pick it as my major, but this AP class is just making me wonder, what if i’m not good at this at all? but at the same time i don’t want to pick something else to major in.... first of all i don’t even KNOW what i’d major in! there’s no second option! anyway, yeah, i’m just really insecure and sad about it. my grade in the class fluctuates a lot, but normally it’s a high B. which isn’t a bad grade per-se, but at the same time, how am i gonna major in this if i have a B? that means i’m not that good at it, right? i don’t even know. sometimes i wonder if it’s because of this situation (online learning) and/or my teacher’s style of teaching but honestly i’m just going to blame it on myself. i don’t know if i’m smart enough for it. but after all of this talk about majoring in psych, getting a phd, etc, i don’t want to throw that all away now. as i said, i still want to major in it, and of course find it interesting. the only question is: am i good enough??

other than that, my classes have been fine. i’m taking french 3 honors which has been... ok. it’s a little nerve-wracking because she makes us talk in french a lot and the class is kinda confusing but i think i’ll be ok. she’s a new-ish teacher, replacing my old french teacher who moved a couple years ago, and she seems nice but i don’t know if she’s the best teacher. everyone else in the class seems confused too so... i definitely don’t think it’s just me. then i’m taking sociology which is really interesting and i like the teacher - probably one of my favorites - though i kind of have something against her now because she’s forcing us to speak in class now FOR A GRADE. hopefully she changes her mind. then i have probability and statistics which has been ok so far. my teacher is really nice and the stuff we’ve been doing has been alright so far. a bit hard, but not insanely hard. 

anyway, that’s how my senior year is going. not the worst, but not the best either. i wonder what things would be like if everything was normal... it’d be way different. it’s weird how i’m starting to forget how things used to be. this quarantine stuff used to be weird, but now it’s turning into the norm, whereas my “old” life before all of this is starting to become distant. i don’t know how to feel about that. i’ve talked about this in previous entries but i still want to live that indie-film teen dream... it’s not happening, though, even after all of these years i’ve been in HS. definitely won’t happen this year with all that’s gone on. but aside from that, i’ve been definitely stressed about college and all of that stuff. i’m really anxious to go and don’t know what to expect. well, first of all i need to get INTO schools which is a whole other thing. i’m working on it, but it’s really overwhelming (the common app). i really wish i could have finished my junior year and things were normal, because then all this college stuff would be done (or at least most of it). i still need to do my SAT - which first of all i probably won’t even include in my application to schools because it’s optional, but my mom still wants me to take it. other than all of this crazy “applying to schools” stuff, i also am of course insanely nervous about college. i’ve probably talked about this in previous entries, but i guess i’ll mention it again. i’m not AS worried about the academic stuff (well, still am) but not as much as the SOCIAL stuff. i’m HORRIBLE at socializing, and it makes me SO anxious. i can’t do normal people things, so how the hell am i going to go to college? let alone if i will even be GOING.. who knows what corona will be like around this time next september. ugh. it’s just really stressful all of this college stuff..... i don’t know if i’m ready, but at the same time i WANT to go. i don’t even know. 

anyway, that’s all that’s going on with school right now. i’ve had some really, really bad days the past couple of weeks which hasn’t happened in AWHILE. obviously i have bad thoughts, but lately it’s just been real bad. i’m okay now, though. 

this is already long enough, but now i’m going to finally talk about what i originally came onto tumblr for. as i’ve said, there’s likely no one reading this, and this is just for ME to read in the future. ok, anyway, yadda yadda, here we go on another big rant (what’s new).

i became friends with this girl... we’ll call her angel, in 6th grade i guess. we didn’t really become “friends” until 7th grade but 6th grade was when we met. she was a bit of a weirdo, and was particularly obsessed with this one girl who obviously found this creepy. angel would always obsess over this girl, calling her so pretty, always wanting to be with her etc etc. angel and i were kind-of friends i guess, as well as with my best friend at the time. an average friendship. 

seventh grade was where things really picked up, i guess. i don’t exactly remember when; but it was probably because we had a lot of classes together. i don’t exactly remember when we started talking, but we did. she was a bit weird but i was just happy to have a friend at the time, i was feeling very lonely and unwanted. she had been dealing with mental health issues a lot and it was obvious because she told me. even in 6th grade i remember she’d wear a huge hoodie on the hottest of days to hide her self-harm. anyway, she was really not doing well. i remember one day she said she saw this post online that said to draw different colors on your wrist to show what you struggled with or whatever (eating disorder, depression, etc) and she put the colors for almost all of them. she glorified mental illness a lot and it was obvious. we were in 7th grade, though, so i don’t really hold that against her because i likely was doing the same thing. what i don’t condone (at least now) is the other things she did. 

first, it started off a little creepy but nothing that totally freaked me out. she’d call me pretty all the time, tell me she wanted to look like me, be as thin as me (keep in mind i thought i was fat and definitely was on the verge of an ED as well, if i didn’t already have one), have the same hair as me, etc. it was nice getting that attention since i was so insecure, but then all of a sudden she’d begin to insult me. “your nose is big”, “your chin is long” and she’d also roughly  touch me; pinch my cheeks hard and would touch the “fat” on my body to i guess make me feel bad? to make herself feel better? it was of course a jealousy thing. anyway, this made me feel real bad about myself since i already was dealing with insecurities. but then she’d go right back and start complimenting me again. it depended on the day i suppose. i don’t know if this really happened since i blocked this out of my mind, but i remember she pinched me so hard she left marks. she’d play it off as a joke and i’d just let her. 

angel joined me and my best friend at the time at recess sometimes, and she’d also call my friend “skinny” and “so pretty” and how she could be a model. basically the same stuff she told me. my friend wasn’t as bothered by it. anywho, angel and i became better “friends”. she’d text me literally 24/7, and sometimes i’d have to lie to her to get her off my back. she’d force me to go on facetime with her for hours even if i didn’t feel like it, etc etc. i stayed friends with her because i was lonely and “she wasn’t always bad!” i’d think to myself. my parents didn’t really like her and when they found out she self-harmed, they really did not want me being friends with her. my dad called her a “slicer”. i know he didn’t mean any harm, and was only looking out for me, hoping i didn’t do the same thing, but it still made me angry. angel was my friend. still, i listened to my parents and began ignoring angel; it was the only way i could get her to stay away. or at least that’s what i thought. she would harrass me all the time, begging me to talk to her again. i would just not answer, or if we were at school, look at the floor and not say a word. it made me feel awful. and then something happened that truly was a disgusting thing to do. she came over to me one day, and begged me to be her friend again. i kept my head down. then when nobody was looking, she raised her sleeves to show her scars, and said “if you keep ignoring me, i’ll cut myself”. i didn’t know what to do, so i didn’t do anything. i was terrified. i didn’t want her to do that. but she wouldn’t, right? it was just a tactic to get me back. well, i was wrong. i remember she came back the next day and showed me her fresh wounds and i felt awful. it was all my fault that she did that. so, i began talking to her again. i guess because i didn’t want her to do that again. looking back, that’s horrendous and disgusting. but i was naive. always was. 

so angel and i were friends again i guess. she hogged me from my other friends, but thankfully i’d push back a little bit and hang with my other friends. there were other smaller instances, but things that still impact me, such as when she told me i had a big nose and a long chin. yep, now those two things are huge insecurities of mine. not blaming it on her, of course not, but it was definitely a factor. 

as i mentioned, i was really not happy with my body and myself. i hated my body. thought i was so fat, at 108 pounds. so i’d starve myself at lunch. it was the only time i could successfully do it. angel saw me doing this one day, and got really upset with me for whatever reason (even though she had an eating disorder as well). i never understood why she did/said this, but she told me that if i kept on doing this, she was going to tell the guidance counselor (that i was starving myself). this freaked me out, because i didn’t want my parents to know. i kept doing it, praying that she’d forget, which she did. 

there was another time when we were walking in the hall one time, and i mentioned that i was in an enriched english class. now, keep in mind, i’ve been called dumb and looked down upon my whole life. so this wasn’t anything new. still hurt, though. anyway, basically i told her i was in an enriched class and she looked at me like i was crazy, “no you’re not” she said and laughed, “prove it” i got really flustered, because i WASN’T lying. so i proved it to her by asking the teacher if i was in her enriched class to which she confusingly said yes to. angel was surprised i guess. these small instances still make me feel bad about myself to this day. something so small can truly impact you.

other than that, i can’t remember much. i blocked a lot of it out except for those things. i shoved it in the back of mind, telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. for years. after seventh grade we drifted apart but were still mutuals. and still are to this day. i don’t have anything against her.. i guess not. but she truly was a terrible person, and i pray to god she’s changed. of course she wasn’t in the right mindset, but that doesn’t excuse her doing those god awful things to me (and other people as well). i never realized in 6th grade that, like the girl she was obsessed with then, i would be the new obsession. a lot of it adds up now, the way she’d compliment me and then put me down. all jealous, manipualtive things. she was of course a weirdo to everyone, but i was friends with her because i was naive and nice and alone. i think she has friends now, and nobody thinks she’s as weird as they used to. i don’t really know what’s up with her now. i don’t hold anything against her... but should i? i don’t even know. anyway, the only reason i’m speaking about this is because i needed to get it out for once. but i felt too uncomfortable telling a friend. plus, i feel like i’d just be dramatic and should just get over it - this was five years ago. i don’t know if i ever will, though. i just can’t help but think about the things she did and how i would STILL so easily fall for something like that again. which is sad after all of the toxic friendships i’ve had throughout the years. 

either way, that’s the end of angel. there’s probably things i could speak about concerning her, but i either forget or just don’t think it’s worth mentioning. we were twelve and thirteen, and i still wonder if i’m just being dramatic. we were just kids. she didn’t know what she was doing. but did she? either way, angel was sick in the head. she probably forgets all of this, or blocks it out of her mind, maybe even makes it seem like she’s the victim. i don’t know. i just wanted to get that out.

of course throughout the years there’s been a bunch of toxic friendships i’ve been apart of, or just people who have taken advantage of me. but that would make this terribly long. and it already IS terribly long. 

but, i am now thinking, why do i glorify seventh grade so much? i always miss it so much, but once i truly think about it, it was an awful year. my anxiety was insanely bad, i was starving myself, i hardly had friends, my “best friend” was toxic (and of course i stayed with her), was getting groomed that summer (before & during 8th grade), was s*xually harrassed by a boy at my school (which is a whole other thing), angel was obsessed with me, etc. so i don’t know why i make it seem better than it actually was. but i still miss it, god i hate myself for that. why? why do i miss all of the terrible times in my life? i’ll never understand why. i know i sound like i’m overexaggerating, but i’m not. all of these things have happened. why would i lie? it’s not like there’s anyone else reading this. i just need to let it out somewhere, which is why i’m doing it here. some day i want to speak about the boy in 7th grade who s*xually harrassed me, but it definitely makes me very uncomfortable and ashamed. i’m going to need to let it out some day, though. i’ve never told anyone except for my mother, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. boys will be boys, right? it was five years ago, anyway. but i’ll speak of that in another entry (perhaps). i know nobody is reading this but i hope, if anyone does, they don’t think this is an attention thing. everything i write here is true. it’s for me, but of course i’m posting it online in public so anyone can see it. 

so, anyway, i suppose i’ll end it here. that’s all about angel and about what’s going on currently in my life. i don’t know when i’ll write next, but goodbye for now. i hope things get a bit better; with the world, with myself. so, future ava, if you’re reading this, are things better now?

[aloneandunreal]

august 21, 20

i don’t really know why i’m posting, as i don’t really have anything in specific i want to write about. it’s august, though. the last time i posted was july 30th, which is weird because i felt like it was just july, but nope - it’s almost a month since i wrote that! anyway, school starts on the 31st for me which i’m not entirely excited about. it’s going to be all online for now, which is of course better than going in real life, but it’s also not ideal. none of this is. i like online because it means i can be in the comfort of my own home, but i don’t like it because i’m going to have to show my face on zoom calls or google hangouts or whatever my school is doing. i don’t even know their plan yet which is annoying since the first day is only a week or so away. i’m just really anxious about it. it’s going to be so weird and different. i could go on about this for a hot minute but i don’t really want to speak of it right now, my brain is scattered whenever i think of it and it honestly just gives me anxiety thinking/talking/writing about it. so i’m not going to write about that for now. rather, i want to write about the fact that i’m going into my senior year... and it’s not going to be a normal year. which i’m kind of okay with, i mean i don’t have many friends and i don’t do a sport so i’m not too upset about it. but it’s still a bit sad, since it’s my last year of high school..ever. it’s so weird that i’m a senior, i can’t even believe it. when i was a freshman, i thought the seniors were so cool. especially the ones my friend was friendly with. but now that i’m in their place, we’re really not that cool. seniors, that is. i still don’t even know what i want to become in life. overall, high school hasn’t been great. i didn’t get to live the indie kid dream i wanted to live, but i’ve already talked about that countless times in other entries so i’m not going to go on about it again. maybe in college (which is first of all terrifying) i’ll be the girl i wanted to be in high school. don’t think i’ll be able to do that this year. 

for some reason, i specifically remember this one incident (well, not really incident, but i don’t know what other word to use) with a senior. it was the end of the year, and i was in my english class. a kid came into the class and walked up to my teacher, asking him for a signature for his yearbook or whatever. and i remember thinking to myself “that’ll be me one day!” ... i don’t know why i remember this. it’s not even an important memory. it’s just always been in my brain for some reason. maybe because i couldn’t wait for that to be me one day, but now i might not even be able to get the chance to go to my old teachers. nor will i have a cool yearbook. 

but back on these “cool” seniors. the only reason i “knew” some of them was because of my friend. they all seemed super cool to fourteen year old me; the type of kids i wanted to be. they were in bands, smoked, went to parties, or all three. i guess that’s what i wanted to be, too. though i never became that. i just find it unreal that i’m now their age... high school went by really quickly to be honest. and now that it’s my last year... i feel like my teenage years just wasted away. before all of this coronavirus stuff happened, i always had a feeling senior year might be my “year”. i’d become the person i wanted to be. but now, well, i won’t really get the chance. it won’t be a normal year; i won’t be going to parties or anything of that sort. but even if it was a normal year, i honestly probably would’ve just done the same thing as i did every year. i wouldn’t live out my dream, that’s probably a lie. so i don’t know why i’m upset about it. 

anyway, i could go on but i don’t exactly feel like typing. there’s some days where i can type for hours but other days i just.. can’t. like today. anyway, bye for now. perhaps i will write another entry before school starts, maybe not. but i will definitely be writing something after school starts... at least i think i will. it’ll be interesting, whatever happens. 

[aloneandunreal]

july 30, 20

i haven’t posted in a bit. i don’t know why i’m deciding to post now. i guess because i’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic (once again). just know that i’m always feeling sentimental about something - every damn day. before i go on, though, i’m just going to mention that it’s my sister’s tenth birthday today! i can’t believe she’s been around for a decade already. kind of mind blowing. 

anyway, this band called fog lake came on shuffle the other day and it made me think of the days i was really into them - i was about thirteen or fourteen. i remember the summer before my freshman year, i sat on top of my roof and listened to music, watching the sunset. i wanted to be like one of those indie kids in the films, as i always do. the last time i was on the roof was on my fourteenth birthday, at exactly 12. i was up on the roof with my cousin, as she was sleeping over the night. we listened to music and just had a weirdly fun time, even though we were on the damn roof at 12 A.M. it makes me smile thinking about it, especially thinking of the person i was then. i know i always say this but i honestly always am. the person i was then, the people i knew then, is so different than now. but at the same time, similar. i still get nostalgic about dumb things as i did then, and i still want to be one of those cool high schoolers like in the movies, though my time is almost up now, whereas then it was just beginning. at the moment, i’m listening to hey there delilah. my cousin and i listened to that song when we were on the rooftop for some reason; we were listening to throwback songs. the song really makes me so sad for some reason. this song and fog lake are really making me sad, thinking back on eighth grade and just my past self in general. 

it’s sad thinking how different the world is now, with coronavirus and all. if i told myself 3 years about all that’s going on now, i don’t even know if i’d believe it. speaking of corona, my school announced that we’re going to be doing all virtual for the fall semester. i don’t exactly know how to feel about that. i’m happy, but at the same time, it’s my senior year, and i know it’s basically ruined now. it’s not going to be a normal year. but it’s not like i’d do anything different this year, though. nothing crazy, i probably wouldn’t put myself out there. 

i’m thinking of my freshman year, and the seniors then. it’s weird thinking that that’s now... me. but i won’t have a year like they did, because of all that’s going on in the world at the moment. i kind of wish i could have a normal year. the whole thing with zoom is just going to cause me so much anxiety, having to see myself on camera. but at the same time, it’s not as bad as going to school at 6AM every morning, starving and tired for 7 hours. but yeah, i don’t know how to feel about it just yet. it’s abnormal. never happened before, so i don’t know how it’s all going to turn out. i’m still worried about college and all, and i feel like i have so much to worry about, but right now i don’t think i want to write about that. it’s exhausting, honestly. i am genuinely terrified though, as i’ve probably mentioned in every entry before this.

things i’ve been remembering in specific and have felt nostalgic about are as follows: my eighth grade graduation, the girl i was best friends with in seventh grade, and the end of ninth grade. i don’t know why these events in specific. i’m going to go through each one in specific, i don’t know why. i just feel like it i guess. i like going over memories over and over again and making myself sad... Ha Ha.

firstly, was my eighth grade graduation. that was the day i began talking to one of my online friends who quickly became one of my really good online friends. i’ve spoken about her in past entries, and we’re no longer that great of friends anymore. just different people now, i guess. anyway, besides her, i remember going to the high school, which is where the graduation would be held. before it started, i took pictures with my friends that year. my girl friends, and then these two boys i was kind of friends with. colin and aaron. aaron moved, and although i gave him my number, he never texted me so that was the last i ever saw of him. then colin, we lost touch in high school. haven’t really spoken since eighth grade. i took a photo with them, saying something stupid as we took the photo. god, i was so cringey then. anyway, then the graduation happened, all of us being sweaty stinky teenagers in a hot auditorium just waiting to get out of there. then we left after some more goodbyes, and i remember this one boy i was friendly with said “bye ava!” and that was it i believe. what i don’t understand is why i’m thinking about this, it’s not a huge moment in my life. nothing crazy. but thinking of each person and our history is what makes me sad. some of those people, it was our last time speaking to each other. and now, my last graduation is coming up. it’s crazy how much i’ve changed since then.

second is the girl i was best friends with in seventh grade. i’ve spoken about this before, so i’ll try not to go too much into depth. i miss her sometimes. we’ve always had this on and off type of friendship. we lost touch in eighth grade, and found different groups. we still talked, but it was obvious we were separating. ninth and tenth grade, nothing. this year was when we started speaking again, and it was nice and all, but not really the same as it once was. and i mean, obviously. we’re not twelve anymore. but thinking back on it, the peak of our friendship, makes me sad. i’m her friend i guess, but we don’t speak all too much since quarantine happened. she has another friend group anyway. honestly, i feel as if it’s my fault we drifted apart. i was so caught up with some other girl in eighth grade, and kind of just forgot about her. and now i’m not exactly friends with either of them. i wonder what would have happened if i hadn’t jumped on this other girl; if i had focused more on our friendship, that was more important than this other girl who is not even in my life anymore and was a toxic friend anyway. i wonder. maybe it wouldn’t be any different. i’ll never know, that’s for sure. all in all, i just miss our old friendship sometimes. i was thinking back on seventh grade, and first of all, god there are so many memories. but one in specific i’ve remembered is the end of the year. i was working on some project in my science class, incredibly bored, so i decided to make a google doc. it was basically a letter for my sister and myself for when she / i got older. i wrote questions like “are you still friends with ___?”, “did you start dating anyone?”, “do you still like [band]? you better!!” and some other (depressing) stuff i won’t get into as it’s not really important. that was almost five years ago, and i can answer those questions now. though i am not happy with my answers. i wish i could have fulfilled twelve/thirteen year old me’s little dream of what she wanted to become in high school... but i don’t think i did. and now it’s over. high school. i still have this year, but i don’t know how much opportunity there will be since corona and all. sorry, seventh grade me. i really let you down, huh?

lastly is the summer before my freshman year ended. i remember i basically failed all of my finals or got D’s on them. that year seriously sucked academics wise. before i failed said finals, i remember my dad drove me to school to take them, and i was listening to blue monday ‘88 by new order and mr blue sky by electric light orchestra. i don’t know why i remember that. that’s also around the time i smoked weed with this girl i was once friends with... but that’s a whole other insane story. thinking of it, i have a lot of stories from middle school and high school, whether they be good or bad. i always thought i didn’t have any, and it was 100% bland, but to be compeltely honest, it wasn’t. there are some fun memories out there, whether they involved school or not. even though i didn’t get to live my indie kid dream, i still had some memories that i’ll look back on. they’re not as interesting as some peoples’ but they’re memories nonetheless. 

to speak on the present, i’ve not done too much. i remember at the beginning of the summer i said i was going to try and write my own story. that never ended up happening. i also got accepted into the national honor society which i can’t really believe for some reason. i accepted the invite, though incredibly anxious considering there’s a lot i need to do in order to stay in the national honor society. it’s making me really anxious, but since of covid, i probably won’t have to do as much as they want me to. for example, they want me to do 2 or more clubs / sports / activities. which i do NOT want to do, considering being social makes me incredibly anxious. i know it’s dumb, but i can’t help myself. these are the times when i wish i was normal, and wonder how i’m going to get by in the real world. will i be able to? i don’t know. but other than that, not much has gone on. i’m practicing for SATs since i missed them (was supposed to take them the weekend before my school shut down... so annoying). i’m taking them in late september but i don’t know if that’s going to happen or not. who knows what will be going on by then in the world. so yeah, i’m worried about a decent amount of things. and it sucks. but it’s summer, so i’m going to try my hardest to not dwell on it too much. 

there’s plenty of memories i could go on about, like the times in freshman year i used to skip class with my friend and one time we went outside to the courtyard and took ‘aesthetic’ photos. or the time i was obsessed with this one boy in my friend’s digital photography class who was a senior at the time - don’t even ask why i was so obsessed with him. i still don’t understand why. i remember before school ended i listened to your graduation by modern baseball and thought of him, knowing i’d never see him again. god, i’m already starting another one of my dumb rants about stupid things and people who don’t even think or care about me. i’m just sad about it. so many different things; going over them in my mind. i don’t know when or if i’ll ever get over this whole ‘i’m sentimental and feel nostalgic about every single thing that’s ever happened in my lifetime.’ i don’t know why i dwell on these things, they’re the past. they won’t be coming back. i can’t change anything, or go back to them. sometimes i miss the people or just the experiences i had in some of these memories, even if they weren’t the best memories. i always glorify things and make them seem better than they  actually were. i’ve said this ten times already in previous entries, but i remember in seventh grade i specifically said “this was the worst year of my life” but now? now i kind of want to go back. for whatever reason. go back in time to that year, that time of my life, the friends i had, the life i had, the teachers i had, the things and activities i did. i want to go back and taste these memories one last time. not just seventh grade - but whatever i’m feeling sad about. 

anyway, i’m going on and on about nothing now. i’m just damn sad about this at the moment, and this being my last year of high school makes it worse. it’s all about to end - the kids i have known since childhood, the memories i’ve made since elementary. they won’t be gone technically, but they’ll be distant. i’ll be moving on to different things when i graduate. college, i guess. this will all be in the past, and i don’t know if i want to let it go. i never want to let anything go. each year i get sad about the past year, for whatever reason, even if it was boring. for example sophomore year. it was boring but thinking back on it, there still were some memories i go back to in my mind and kind of want to go back to. even this year i feel sad about sometimes. the beginning of it, more specifically. god, i am so stupid. anywho, i need to end this now. writing this and listening to sad music honestly has just made my feelings more prominent and i am just more sad now than i had been before. i feel dumb but i just felt like writing about this for some reason...plus, i haven’t written in AWHILE.

that’s all for now i guess. i’m sad. the future is so uncertain, and i guess that’s why i always go back to the past, and reminisce on it. by the way, i don’t know how amazing my spelling and grammar will be considering i’m tired (it’s 12:38am - not too late but i’m tired for some reason) and don’t reread this over / edit it. okay, bye for now. this was really dumb and basically just me ranting and going on about the same things i always go on about, but i just felt like getting it out. bye..

[aloneandunreal]

july 6, 20

i’m surprised it’s already july. for some reason time is flying, even though i haven’t been doing anything and have been bored to death. but hello, here i am with another entry although nobody reads them. which, again, is fine. this blog is for me and me only, but if others want to follow me, that’s okay too of course.

last time i wrote about feeling sad about friendships and social anxiety and overall just regrets i have about myself and my life. i am here again, i believe, to do the exact same thing. i’m not as sad as i was last time, but honestly i always have this weird sadness to me. 

any who, i’ve been thinking about my online friendships a lot lately. with someone in particular, to be more specific. i’ve had online friends for my entire life. i was always on the computer or on texting apps like kik and facetime talking to people who i didn’t even know in real life. some of these online friends were a fun time. there was this one girl i knew from a virtual game called ‘outworld’ and we met when i was about 9 or 10. we stayed friends for an incredibly long time, and she was the one who introduced me to ‘emo’ music, and got me more into it. sometimes she wasn’t the best friend, but you can’t expect too much from online friends... they’re online, after all. i haven’t spoken to her since, probably 2016 and i believe she graduated this year. it’s weird thinking about that since i knew her ever since she was 10/11. i doubt we’ll ever come in contact again, but i think of her from time to time, even though she most likely does not think of me. maybe she doesn’t even remember me. i always seem to be caught up on people and things in the past... people who don’t think of me ever. 

nonetheless, i’ve had plenty of online friends throughout the years. the time i had a bunch of online friends was probably when i was 12/13. there were a decent amount of people and i wonder what they’re doing now. there was this one kid i was friends with who i talked to mostly on facetime (though we never actually FaceTimed, just chatted). i remember when i went on vacation to north carolina that summer, when everyone was asleep, i’d stay up texting him for hours, even though i was tired. our friendship faded a bit after that. we talked on Instagram from time to time, but now we don’t talk at all. i honestly don’t really like him as a person anymore; his views don’t align with mine. doesn’t matter though, it’s not like we’ll be speaking again. he also graduated this year.

another “friend” i had was this guy who might be a bit tough to talk about. i was around twelve/thirteen when i met him, and he was eighteen/nineteen. we both liked similar music and he was a nice guy to talk to. we played iMessage games and FaceTimed from time to time. the thing was, i was hardly a teen. and he was over eighteen. why was he interested in talking to someone my age? at the time, that didn’t bother me, but now it does. our friendship was fun for the first few months, until he started to get vaguely sexual with me. he asked me to call him “daddy”, and when i laughed at him, he played it off as a joke at first. then was the time when he told me he had something important to tell me. he was addicted to p*rn. which... why the hell would he tell me that? this made me slightly uncomfortable but i went along with it. then was the huge instance, the one that finally made me cut ties with him. i’d been complaining about not having much money, and wished i could buy stuff online. he proposed the idea to me that, if i sent him videos or pictures of myself with hardly any clothes on, or very revealing clothes, he’d pay me. i actually contemplated this. but thank god i said no. i remember texting the girl who i mentioned above, and told her about him. she was like “what the fuck, block him” and so i did. blocked him on everything. that was the last time we spoke, and i remember he tried contacting me before giving up. it’s still scary how i thought this man was a “friend” when in reality it was just grooming. just because it was online doesn’t make in any less disgusting. it makes me sad thinking of it, and even worse sometimes when i kind of wish i could text him again. it’s not like i didn’t enjoy his company and texts; i did. i liked talking to him. but obviously when he asked for nudes that made me so uncomfortable for me. it makes me mad at myself for thinking like that, but thankfully i don’t do that anymore. there were other times that he said weird things like, “do you squeeze your boobs when you’re naked?” and i was like “ew no” as any thirteen year old girl would reply. i remember he said something along the lines of, “you will when you get older”. there was also this time when we were snap chatting and he sent me a picture of him smiling, with a girl in the background who he was FaceTiming. she looked the same age as me. he said he was chatting to “another one of his friends” but obviously this was just another girl he was grooming just as he did me. i of course have not spoken to him since, and never will. it’s incredibly disgusting, especially since i was hardly thirteen. which he KNEW. eighteen/nineteen wasn’t as bad as if he was like, thirty or something, but it still wasn’t right. this honestly was a big moment in my life, and i think of it from time to time. i feel so bad for some thirteen year old girl going through the same thing right now, thinking this grown man is her “friend” and “understands her”, but there’s nothing i can do about it. i guess this was just one of the many life lessons i had to experience, though i wish i hadn’t been exposed to it the way i had.

i had other online friends around the same age as this man, probably people who i shouldn’t have been talking to at that age. there was this one guy in specific who, though our friendship didn’t last for long, stuck with me for some reason. i met him on a virtual world, and he was some twenty-something guy who loved metal/emo music. i did as well at the time, so we bonded over that, and would go on this site called rabb.it (i think that’s what it was called) to share music and talk. we also talked on FaceTime (but never actually FaceTimed). he didn’t know my age, so i guess he assumed i was older than i actually was. i remember he told me he was so suicidal and wanted help, so i told him he should try and get help, which he did at one point. this is so weird to think about now; this man really took advice from a thirteen year old girl. was talking to a  thirteen year old girl, even though he didn’t realize it. our “friendship” is kind of hazy, and i don’t remember much of it, but it wasn’t long-lasting or anything like some of the others. i hope he is doing at least somewhat okay now. i don’t know why i am thinking of him.

but yes, there were manyyy different online friends i had. i smile and think about our friendships sometimes, and how some of them seriously had impacted my life, even though they were just online. more recently i guess (three years ago isn’t recently but it’s more recent than any of these other people i’ve been talking about) i met another online friend. she impacted my life as well, and we were so close that we considered each other best friends and said “i love you” so easily. we bonded over music, which is how we became friends in the first place. we began to lose touch in my sophomore year of high school, and really didn’t talk much at all my junior year. i remember messaging her a few days after her birthday, apologizing profusely because i’d missed it, and also writing a large paragraph saying i still appreciated her and hoped we could talk more in the future. she left me on seen, which i was upset about at first. i wondered if she was mad at me? after much contemplation, i messaged her again, and she apologized, saying she forgot to reply. i don’t know if this was true or not but in the moment i didn’t care. we chatted, and it was just so easy to talk with her. i missed it. our conversations went so smoothly, i felt like i could tell her anything. we didn’t talk too much after this. the only reason i’m mentioning this is because i messaged her once again on some online site, and she replied once, but then not again. either she forgot about it or was just ignoring me, which i was really upset about for some reason. i don’t want to message her again, that’s just plain annoying. she wished me happy birthday, but made me no playlist, even though she did every year before that. i know we’re not good friends anymore, but i expected a bit more, considering i made her a playlist. i’m just sad about our friendship, and with her. i’ve been trying so hard to start talking to her again, but she only comes through once in a blue moon. which is hard. i feel i’m the only one putting in effort; trying to start conversation and all. she still posts, even though my message is left unanswered. one thing she posted was something about “wanting to have a real conversation with somebody” ... wasn’t i? and she also said something like “back a few years ago i had hardly any friends on this site, but now i do :)” which hurt a bit since i thought i was at least kind of special to her. i guess not. i don’t know why i expect(ed) more, she’s an online friend after all. i just wish i could talk to her again, but at the same time wish she would be the one who messaged me first/put in effort. i don’t exactly know where our friendship is going to go. probably no where, even though i’ve tried so hard to pick it up again. i know our friendship won’t be the same as it was all those years ago, but i at least want to become better friends, and chat more, even if it’s not every day like we used to. it just hurts a bit, knowing it won’t be the same. even though i feel i’m trying so hard. i wonder if she just.. doesn’t like me? it just sucks. i don’t know what’s going to happen with us. and the funny thing is, she’s probably not worrying about this at all, probably doesn’t even care if we speak again or not. probably never thinks of me. but then look at me, thinking of her. i hate it. i probably mentioned this in my last entry, but i hate putting in so much effort and not getting the same or at least somewhat of the same amount of effort back. it’s hard knowing i’m not the #1 in someone’s life. knowing i’m nothing special to any friend - online or not - that hurts.

again, i don’t know why i am always thinking of these online friends from the past. i mean nothing to them. but for some reason i always think back on them, smiling at the memories we had, but then frowning realizing the very last time i talked to them was almost five years ago.

as for real life friends, i already spoke about that in my last entry. but one friend i thought about recently was this girl who i once called my best friend. i don’t want to get into the specifics, considering i’ve probably already spoken about her. but, originally, i did not miss her. but now for some reason i do. i’m looking at snapchat memories, seeing photos of us smiling and joking around. that was one of the last times i had a “best friend” and friend group. i don’t miss her that much, considering she was quite toxic. but we did have some good times together, i’m not going to deny that. 

another thing i’ve been thinking about recently is the fact that there’s been a few people who were interested in being friends with me, but i either pushed them away because i was focused on someone else, i was oblivious, or because i just wasn’t interested. there have been a few instances of that. first one being this girl in my ninth grade English class. she obviously wanted to be friends with me, and even said “hey i think we should hang out outside of school!” but i was too dumb and was concentrating on being friends with some other girl i thought was cool, so that never happened. we were always friendly in english, but never more than that. i saw her this year i believe in the bathroom and she smiled at me. it was over two years ago that we were in english together, and i doubt she wants to be friends. it’s was just such a missed opportunity. i became friends with the girl who i was preoccupied with at the time, but now she’s gone too. karma for me i guess? 

another person was this guy who i was friendly with in eighth grade. he texted me a decent amount that summer (before ninth grade), but upon seeing him in real life, he just... pretended he didn’t know me? his friends kept saying he had a crush on me, and that i should say something, even though i didn’t have romantic feelings for him at all. he was the one with the crush, he should be approaching me. it was a bit weird to me, especially when he digitally drew multiple photos of me, even though i never asked. his friends continued to say he had a crush on me, which i now kind of believed but wasn’t going to “make a move” because i wasn’t into him (he didn’t even talk to me in real life!) apparently, his friends made this cruel joke that he had a crush on me. i guess it was more to make him embarrassed, but for me it was quite embarrassing too. i thought this guy liked me, but i guess it was just a joke to them. i still wonder if maybe he DID have a crush on me, but his friends said it was a joke? i don’t know, it’s confusing. he continued to talk to me a bit (texting, of course), but we didn’t talk much throughout my sophomore year and not at all my junior year. he probably has lost feelings by now, if he had any in the first place, that is. but now for some reason i kind of wish we talked more, even if it wasn’t romantically. just in a friendly type of way. doubt he wants that, though. it’s such a confusing, immature thing that happened, but i just wanted to mention it since lately i’ve been feeling like i might’ve missed out on something.

speaking of ninth grade, i can’t believe this year is my last. it’s not going to be a normal year, as i well know. because of corona and all. but nonetheless it’s weird thinking that it’s all going to be over. i think about freshman year a lot, considering how terrible and depressed i was that year. at the same time, though, i had some very... interesting, to say the least, experiences. and now next year will be my last. time seriously flew. i wonder if my teachers from freshman year now, what they’d think. i remember being terrified of my english teacher for some reason, but i genuinely loved his class, even though i struggled because of how depressed i was. i don’t think he loved me or anything, but he definitely must have thought i was an interesting person. for some reason i always bring myself back to that class. back with that girl who once wanted to be my friend, fooling around, but also sleeping on my desk sometimes. i still am kind of intimidated by him for some reason, and don’t even know why i’m talking about his class. i guess because it was one of the more interesting english classes i’ve had so far in middle school AND high school. i remember specifically, in the last couple of weeks of my freshman year, seeing this one kid, a senior, come in and ask my english teacher for his autograph in the year book. i realized one day that might be me. for some reason, ever since, i’ve been waiting for the moment to ask him, even though i’m so intimidated by him. and even though he didn't even really like me. it’s so weird, and i don’t know why i feel this way. but oh well, with corona right now, it doesn’t look like i’m going to be having a regular school year. but yeah, i can’t believe it’s really almost over. i still have a whole year of course, which i’m still terrified of even though it’s my last year and i’m “at the top.” i’m just terrified of college and the real world. i want to get out of this town and become a new person, but how? the person i am now could likely never survive in the real world.

anyway, this is getting long, and it’s basically just been me rambling about things i regret and other really random specifics that i’ve been thinking about / have been sad about lately. i never really understood why i’m like this; so nostalgic and sentimental about every little thing, even if it was a bad time in my life. i guess this quarantine has just left me a lot of time to think and contemplate about my life, school isn’t here to distract me anymore from the future and from my insecurities and fears. not that it totally distracted me; but at least it was something i could do that wasn’t being stuck in my own brain. i know i said i’m making this blog to vent and also for my older self to read. if older ava ever reads this, which i doubt she will since it’s so long, well hi. i hope you’re different now. what’s the world like? what happened after high school? did the world end (well, you can’t really answer that, can you?). and remember in seventh grade when you wrote that letter to your sister asking questions about the future? and the type of person you turned out to be? i can answer most of those questions now. i guess that’s what i’m doing now - writing stuff about my current life so my future self can see it. maybe i’ll make a more private letter at some point, not on tumblr. but for now this is what i have. i actually wrote this email to myself that’s supposed to be delivered in five years. i wonder where i’ll be at. it’s scary, but also kind of exciting. in a few years from now, you’ll be reading this entry, or reading something i’ve written. i wonder what you will think. i hope things are different. i hope you’re not this sad, isolated girl. i hope you can do better. but i also remember saying the same thing in the letter i wrote in seventh grade, and the same damn thing ended up happening. still the same, sad girl i was then, except maybe worse. anyway, as i said at the beginning of the paragraph, this is getting incredibly long. i talked about a bunch of randomness in this entry. most of it was stupid, but i can’t help what i feel sad about. 

well, that’s all for now. see ya next time, in my next entry. and future ava, if you’re reading this, hi i guess. for some reason, at the end of this entry, i guess it turned into a letter to my future self. and this is also incredibly random but i’m sorry high school didn’t go how you wanted it to go. i hope that you lived out some of your high school dreams in college. or maybe you’ll never see this, because the world will end. maybe you will see this, though. please do something for yourself, future me, that the person i am now would want you to do. bye for now.