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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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loneliness

It’s easy to believe that people don’t want me.

.

When your own parent disowns you,

you realize how easy it is for

anyone to give up on you.

.

There’s a silence that walks

hand in hand with being alone.

Today I realized that silence

is actually loneliness.

.

I thought you would take the

loneliness away.

But all you actually did was

show me how loud the silence

actually is.

.

I knew that people didn’t want me.

But I thought that you weren’t included

In that grouping.

.

L.S. 9/14/21

#l.s.#ls #ls poet #ls poetry #ls poem #l.s. poem #l.s. poet #l.s. poetry #poem #poet #poetry #tumblr poetry #tumblr poet #tumblr poem #loneliness #if you read this #i wouldn't say i'm sorry #alwayswriting43

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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validation

I’m not meant to be your sole source

of validation. I’m only needed when you

need validation on what you created.

But when I need you, you’re nowhere.

There’s a difference between not communicating

and only communicating when you need something.

The difference is you make my feel shitty and

not needed. And maybe that’s all I am.

.

l.s. 8/21/21

#ls #ls poetry #ls poem #ls poet #l.s.#l.s. poet #l.s. poetry #l.s. poem #validation #hurting #write out my feelings #tumblr poem #tumblr poetry

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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Notifications

You say you do better with multiples,

the more notifications, the better the chance of reply.

.

Tell my why there’s been days of radio silence

following ping after ping after ping?

.

Tell me why your fans are asking me

if you’ve actually died because you won’t reply to

comments like you normally do.

.

Tell me why our friendship has started to feel like

disrespect?

.

Maybe you can’t. I can’t.

.

But the sour aftertaste, the dry, hurt pinching through

my throat like I haven’t had a drop to drink,

.

reminds me of stories that I can’t share.

I can’t tell because I promised you.

.

And I’ll hold those promises because

while you have no respect for me,

I pour out respect for you, my cup overflowing.

.

-L.S. 6/13/21

#ls #ls poem #ls poetry #ls poet #l.s.#l.s. poet #l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #tumblr poem #tumblr poetry #notifications #disrespect #friendship #falling apart #breaking down #aggrivated #angry #hurt

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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Your Birthday

Your birthday was the other day

I tried to forget about it.

Instead I celebrated it

by restricting calories

like you’d always wanted

Maybe you would have loved

me because I lost three pounds

as your present.

L.S. 2/1/21

#l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #l.s. poet #ls poem #ls poetry #ls poet #ls #your birthday #eating disorder #ed #anarexiz #anarecia poem #ed forced on a child by a parent #fuck you dad

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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the scents of starvation

nail polish and mint gum shouldn’t be the scents of starvation

700 shouldn’t be a number that ruins your whole day

when family dinners are stress filled and number crunching

the nights can easily be filled with sobs and worthlessness

no one tells you your twenties will be the worst time of your life

the disorder taking over once again, but no one knows

but the one thing i know for sure, mint gum and nail polish will

never smell the same again.

L.S. 2/1/21

#ls poem #ls #ls poetry #l.s. poem #l.s.#l.s. poetry #eating disoder thoughts #eating disorder #eating disorder poetry #ed #ed poetry #ed poem #the scents of starvation #alwayswriting43

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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bad

It’s gotten bad again.

I’ve gotten bad again.

.

I tried telling you

but your actions told me

you don’t care.

.

So I’m going alone.

Back to the daily

weigh ins, the counting,

the feeling that I’m less than.

.

But while I’m losing myself,

I’m losing the weight.

Finally.

Is this how the fat girl gets skinny?

.

L.S.1/27/21

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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Struggling

When I tell you I am struggling,

I don’t want you to tell me

“At least you aren’t stuck at

work when you have literally

no energy to be around people.”

You’ve told me I can come to you,

but I’m having a hard time and it

feels like you just turn it back to you.

I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to struggle.

But don’t invalidate my struggles

just because you’re hurting too.

L.S. 1/25/21

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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“Your Story Was Boring”

.

Your words spoken

over a Discord server.

No malice meant with

them, yet a world

torn apart.

.

I pour my heart

into each word I put

on the page and

when I share it with you

I’m risking heartbreak.

.

I shared that same story

online and others felt

differently. But it’s your

opinion that matters to me.

.

So is this why I feel

that I can’t write?

.

L.S. 1/23/21

#l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #ls #ls poem #ls poetry #writing #alwayswriting43 #your writing was boring #you didn't mean it like that but it hurts just the same #words hurt #broken words #poem #poetry #tumblr poetry

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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Daddy Am I Pretty Yet?

Daddy am I pretty yet?

With the princess dress you bought me

And my tea set ready to play

.

I just wonder when it will be enough to

keep you from walking out that door

.

Daddy am I out of hell yet?

I wish you were here to fight these battles with me

.

But you have a new family now

A better family

A happier family

You even found an upgraded version of me

.

Daddy will you love me yet?

I try to be pretty enough

I try to be good enough

I try to be enough

.

Daddy I figured out I don’t need you yet

I still want you to love me

.

-L.S. 6/27/20

#poetry #poem #l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #i don't need you #but i still want your love #child abandonment #child abuse therapy #child abandonment therapy #child abuse #emotional abuse therapy #emotional abuse #neglect

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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The Weight of the Matter

.

At ten years old

you made the scale my worst enemy.

.

Made me stand on it

night after night,

congratulating me when the number went down

punishing me when it went up.

.

The amount of food you

would put on my plate

depended upon that number.

.

I wanted a number that would

make you love me.

.

But that number didn’t seem to exist.

How was I supposed to love me

if no one else would?

.

How do I love me

if the number kept going up?

.

At fourteen I knew how to count every

calorie and I knew that the less

I ate, the more the scale would go down.

.

I ate the words I longed to say

and watched the number still climb.

My self hatred climbed too.

.

By sixteen, I knew you weighed yourself

in the morning,

without clothing,

after going to the bathroom.

.

I played the same game you did with me.

Weight up, less food.

But then I changed the rules.

Weight down, less food.

.

At seventeen I didn’t think I would make

it to graduation.

I didn’t see the point.

My number was climbing and climbing.

.

Instead of talking to someone

I cut the amount from my plate.

The less I ate, the more empty I felt.

But then the number started going down.

.

A human can survive on a few hundred calories,

but it’s not recommended.

.

My goal was to eat 700,

On days that I surpassed 1200,

I thought the tears would never stop.

.

I lost weight as I lost myself.

.

It took years of therapy and

researching the real ways

to survive.

.

I made it to graduation,

but I never graduated my problem.

There are still days when the

numbers click through my head.

They tell me less is better.

They tell me that no one will love me.

.

You didn’t.

So why should anyone else?

-L.S. 12/9/20

#ls #ls poetry #ls poem #poetry #poem #past ed #past eating disorder #recovery #recovery poetry #one day at a time #one step at a time #one bite at a time #alwayswriting43 #l.s.#l.s. poetry #l.s. poem

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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April 5th 2016

.

My teenage years were carefree:

whole afternoons spent at the mall or pool,

.

I spent days going out with friends

eating pizza, drinking soda whenever I wanted.

.

Never once thinking about the possibility of

life stopping before it actually began.

.

Before that April day, I hadn’t thought

about the possibility of dying young.

.

I dreamed of days lasting forever,

going at an old age surrounded by family,

.

memories filling my final thoughts

before taking that last, solitary breath.

.

Maybe the beeping of machinery

or even passing in my sleep.

.

No one had told me that a math problem with

the wrong number of carbs would send me to an early grave.

.

Of all the gifts that were given around my 21st birthday

the fear of dying in my sleep shouldn’t have been one

.

My twenty first year fills with doctor appointments,

the insurance agents questioning if a device that

.

could prevent me from slipping away in

the night was worth the five thousand dollar price tag.

.

Is my life not worth the money?

Would I just be a statistic?

.

Finger pricks and needles stop being scary

when they’re the thing keeping you alive.

.

I make jokes, talk about how I get medicinal candy

Or how if you fall asleep your pancreas is mine,

.

I let the humor cover the fear

That I could go to sleep and never wake.

.

There is a song my friends sang over

And over in high school about dying young.

.

‘Ain’t even grey but she buries her baby.’

Would that be my mother one day?

.

Not if I can help it.

-L.S. 7/20/20

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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memory

your name is one i’ll never forget.

.

that’s not to say that i loved you

or that i will ever say your name

with anything but hatred

.

sometimes i want to believe

that my name might have

some pull on you as well

.

might make you think of the

actions or the things that caused

the rift

.

but i know that you feel

nothing was wronged against me

.

i had no reason for being suicidal

.

when i etched pictures along my

wrists with needles and knives,

you believed it wasn’t your fault

.

so while your name is one that will

haunt my dreams forever

mine will fade away

just like i almost

did

-L.S. 12/23/20

#memory #poem #poetry #ls #ls poem #ls poetry #l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #hurt poetry #hurt poem #healing peotry #healing poem #tumblr poetry #tumblr poem

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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“Only do what your heart tells you”

-Princess Diana

.

The idea of this quote speaks to me. Follow your heart. Listen to your heart.

But putting this into practice scares me. My heart loves too easily, is too crazy.

For as much as I want to travel, love, explore, and learn,

I don’t want to end up with nothing but a broken heart.

.

-L.S. 5/18/20

#ls #ls poetry #ls poem #poem #poetry #anxious poem #growing #anxious #learning #my heart #l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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Sometimes

.

Sometimes you make me feel like the greatest person you know-

The ideas I share, the jokes I tell, the memes I send,

You talk about them like I’m the best person you know,

That literally no one you could ever meet would be better than the friendship between us.

.

Sometimes you remind me that you had friends before me-

The stories you tell about them,

The way you laugh as if nothing we could do could ever be funnier,

And I remember that this could be a fleeting moment.

.

Sometimes you share insight on what you were thinking when we first became friends-

And I’m reassured that our friendship is important,

That you want it to last,

That it’s something more than just in my head.

.

Sometimes you make jokes that only I understand-

And it makes me feel like nothing in the world could bring me down,

It makes me feel like our friendship is just as important to you as to me,

Because in that moment I’m laughing while no one else understands.

.

Sometimes you make jokes that I don’t get-

And when you mention that it would make sense to someone else,

I feel my heart in my throat,

I feel my importance flying away in that moment.

.

Sometimes you brag about yourself-

I’ll reply with one word or an emoji,

Because I don’t know what to say,

There’s only so many times I can listen to you talk about how great you are.

.

Sometimes you repeat all of this and I wonder how much more of this I can take-

Because there’s only so many times I can lift myself off the ground,

Before I’ll get up and find

That you’ve moved on to start this pattern with someone else.

.

-L.S. 9/21/16

#sometimes #ls #ls poem #ls poetry #hurting #anxious #hurt #poetry to cope #friendship #lacking #alwayswriting43 #l.s. poetry #l.s.#l.s. poem

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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NASCAR and Lightning McQueen

Here’s what I think-- the reasons you failed

as a father: Because you were better

at walking out of doors than coming home.

Because you know all the NASCAR drivers

but not your kids’ best friends. Because you felt

the need to daily weigh your kid to an eating

disorder. Because a six pack was a nightly

drink. Because you still lie about it.

Because you pound the steering wheel as songs

play just as you pound your kids. Because you

only know how to voice frustration by

screaming. Because even fifteen years later

I feel the need to justify everything

I eat to you. Because you won’t share family

medical history. Because you never asked

what my favorite color, animal, song, movie, or TV

show is. Because you shove religion down my

throat. Because I had to cut you off at your

father’s funeral. Because in your drunken

ramblings, you shit talk Mom. Because you can

quote the entirety of Lightning McQueen’s

opening speech but don’t know even one

literary piece I’ve poured my soul into.

Because you told me I was your favorite

kid in front of all my siblings. Because

you were never there when I needed you.

Because according to you I’m going to

hell for who I love.

-L.S. 7/30/20

#poem #nascar and lightning mcqueen #father #alwayswriting43 #ls #ls poem #abuse #alcohol abuse #biphobia #hatred #past ed #past eating disorder #poetry #ls poetry #thank you for reading #sorry if it sucked #l.s.poem #l.s.#l.s. poetry

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alwayswriting43 · 3 years

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word vomit

.

words spew out of me at times,

randomly it seems.

.

they vomit out,

never letting anyone control them.

.

yet the words i spill on the page

will never make you love me

.

the words on the page

will hurt me more than you do

.

the words on the page

are also my only escape

.

-L.S. 12/9/20

#word vomit #word vomit poem #ls #ls poetry #l.s.#l.s. poem #l.s. poetry #ls poem #poem #poetry #word vomit poetry #hurt #abuse #alwayswriting43

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