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ambivalence-is-me · 2 years

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Remember Me

peter parker x reader

summary: you were in love with someone you don’t remember. Peter is pretty sure he knows who that guy is. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

warnings: angst?????

words: 3,000k+

note: I apologize for any grammatical error. Had this idea in my mind and I just had to get it out.

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It’s gotten better. A lot better.

Those first few months after the whole world forgot Peter Parker existed were, to put it mildly, rough. He had never felt more alone. There is literally not a single person that remembers who he is and it was slowly killing him inside. He had watched from afar how MJ and Ned kept on with their lives, he made sure they were out of danger because how can he not? As long as he could, he would make sure they were out of harms way. Sadly, that stopped when they both went their ways to MIT and he had to stay behind.

He wanted to follow them, he really really did but he had to be realistic here. He had to get his shit together first, study, get a job, do some Spider-Man stuff and save as much money as he can. THEN he can go with them. It seemed so freaking far away but it would have to do. Maybe it’s better this way. Being away from them would keep them safe and that’s the whole reason why he is in this mess anyway. Sometimes at night, when the sadness would appear, he thought about being selfish. He really wanted to be selfish and just swing to them and explain everything. He knew they would listen to him, he knew they would understand but he can’t ruin the good things that are happening for them right now. Not anymore.

So he cried. He cried and shoved those possibilities to the back of his mind. For now, he would do what he can. Lay low and be Spider-Man, not get in anyones way. And it was working. Well, for a while. After getting into college, taking some classes and everything slowly coming together, you came in the picture. He knew life always had something up its sleeve for him, he’s literally living proof that his life was not easy so now he lived on the edge. Skeptical about everything. So, when he saw you walking his way, he freaked out. You weren’t new, not exactly.

“Peter Parker?”

So why did you walk up to him and said his name very confidently like you knew exactly who he was. Like, he didn’t tell a wizard to make the whole world forget about him. Lets back track a little. No, you weren’t a new face to him because you were also part of his friend’s group in Midtown High. You and him weren’t close like MJ and Ned but you were friends. You two would catch movies together, study together, share classes, he considered you a friend and he knew you did too.

You were one of the nicest person he had ever met. You were sort of the mom of the group. He was pretty reckless, not gonna lie, MJ was the most realistic one and of course there was Ned. You fit right in now that he thought about it. You would ask them if they did their homework, if they slept well, you always had at least 3 snacks in your bag; most of them would be gone by the end of the day thanks to him and Ned. Sometimes you would walk with them home and you would text them at night to make sure they all made it home safely. You were a great friend, an amazing friend now that he thought about it. And yet, he never told you about his other identity. He doesn’t know why, not really but he just didn’t. That’s a good thing though, he thought, that way he always kept you safe. Except when Mysterio ruined that for him of course. And yet, even though you felt hurt that he never told you about his secret, you’d understand and you never resented him for it.

But now you also forgot who he was. Or did you? He remembers that day very clearly. After his name left your lips, he just stared at you, mouth wide open with disbelief on his face.

“Professor Schidt told me your name. He said you were the best of the class and I’m in desperate need of help. Me and math just don’t go together.”

He remembers how he felt the hole in his heart deepen. He should’ve know you didn’t remember him. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. But there you were, unknowingly offering him a second chance. After that day, after you asking him if he could tutor you, you’d been the light at the of the tunnel. He wanted to say no to the tutoring, he really did. He can’t get close again, he can’t risk someone finding out his secret, he wouldn’t live with himself if he put someone else’s life in danger. Specially someone as special as you. Because even if he sometimes feels like he took your friendship for granted back in the day, you were pretty dang special and he swears he will never forget it again.

But he said yes and ever since then, you two would spend quite a lot of time together. Not at the beginning. At first he just strictly stayed to the tutoring and that’s it. Nothing else, nada. Even if he wanted to be your friend again, he was not going to risk it.

That didn’t work out. Not when you were so freaking good. Just- special. You were still very much yourself, so kind, a little bit sarcastic at times and caring. And you never gave up on him. After some tutoring sessions, you’d ask him to hang out and he would always say no but you never gave up. And that’s exactly something you’d do back in the day, you never gave up.

“I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me, so why would I? If they’re worth it, they’re worth it” You said one time. And there you were once again proving him that he definitely took you for granted. But he was so freaking happy he had you because it felt like you never left. Even if you didn’t remember all the times you hanged out together, the movie nights, the science jokes you never got, it was still a great time.

So now, you were the only person in the world who knew who this Peter Parker was and he was okay with that. Having said that, yes, it’s gotten a lot better. Exceptttt, of course, life always got in the way because when had he ever gotten a break.

It’s been about a year and a half now since all of the chaos and him being your friend again. During the summer and holidays he would check in on MJ and Ned and watch from afar but that’s it. He never made an approach to them, still scared he wouldn’t have the strength to keep everything to himself so he never tried again. On the other hand, he still kept his other identity from you very religiously. His excuses for bruises and getting late to the movies or any other activity have gotten pretty good now that he was independent but he still didn’t want you to find out who he was at night. He was pretty proud of himself for not revealing anything during all that time.

So, that’s not currently his problem. Nope. He should see it coming but no. This is not the case and this is something he absolutely never ever expected. Not in a million years.

You remember him. Okay no, no you don’t. At all. Okay okay, he would’ve prefer that obviously but no. You…love him?

Love? Loved? He was so confused.

“How can this be? How can you love someone you don’t even remember?” You asked him.

How in the world is he supposed to know? He was so confused. So, let’s go back a little.

It was a Monday, you ran to him after class. Breathless you told him of the discovery you made on your mom’s house during the weekend after you went visit her. It was something you did once every 2-3 weeks. Sometimes he came along too because he loved your mom’s cooking, he missed a home cook meal. But that’s a story for another day.

“I found a diary! I wrote all this embarrassing stuff while I was in high school. You know typical teenager stuff”

“I didn’t have a diary” he had said with a smile that screamed I-know-something-you-don’t. Boy he was wrong.

“Okay whatever. Point is, I started reading it. Very cringe btw BUT I found something very interesting and now I’m just confused”. Your eyes wide, cheeks warm after running and hands holding some books. His eyes widened for effect and replied “Oh no. A teenager’s high school experience interesting? Tell me more”.

That earned him a smack on the arm. You started walking together to his next class. You had the next 3 hours free and you always walked him to his class.

“I’m serious. You’re the smart one in this friendship. Can’t you just help me figure it out?”. Not true, you were also very smart. Maybe math was not your forte but you’d still make a great doctor or nurse. You had the heart and passion for it. And the intelligence too.

“Ookay I guess. Don’t know how my intelligence plays a part in your high school experience but I can help. What did you find?” You laughed. Of course he’s still make a joke even if he knew you were low key freaking out about whatever was on your mind.

He saw you take out a small notebook and flip through some pages. You were still walking, he still had time to make on time to class, so they were slowly walking. Then you started reading.

You were definitely in love. Or at least had very strong feelings to someone you cared about. They weren’t the typical high school crush feelings either. No, this was pretty deep stuff for a 16 year old. It was actually really good. You could be a writer if you wanted to because damn, hearing you read that stuff was making him think about MJ and their time together..shit. No, he was doing so well.

“Okay so, you liked someone from your high school. What’s the problem?”

“I don’t remember him, Peter. How can that be? How can I write about a boy I like so much and not even remember him? Did he even exist? Did I make him up?”

Hold on…what? You don’t-remember the guy you liked?…it couldn’t be..right?

He stopped walking and looked at her. All funny expressions gone from his face.

“What? No. That’s-no. You must’ve written his name somewhere in there. Did you look?” You rolled your eyes. As if you hadn’t read the entire diary three times now trying to figure this shit out.

“Of course, Pete. I looked everywhere and nothing. Not even some initials. No name. Just me writing feelings about him.”

No no. Just because she didn’t write the name of the guy does not mean she’s talking about him. Nope. Maybe she just didn’t write the guy’s name because he was a bad person. Yeah, that makes sense…right?

“That’s uh- maybe you wrote it in code? You’re smart and you like all that clue stuff. Maybe it’s in a clue!!” He wasn’t wrong. You did like all that stuff.

“I-yeah okay could be but I’m just confused Peter. I don’t remember liking a guy in high school. Like at all -and specially liking him so deeply. This isn’t a crush, I really liked this guy. Look!”

And he did. Briefly because dang, you were a good writer. You wrote like you’ve been writing poems all your life. He could feel all the emotions you had put in those words and he didn’t like how it made him feel.

Shit.

“I know you have class now. I just- I’ve been thinking about this ever since I got back. Do you think I can drop by after and we can keep looking into it?” He wanted to say no. Because what if-? No. Actually no, he needed to find out now. There is no way she ‘s talking about himself.

“Yeah yeah of course. This is uh- interesting for sure. I don’t know how I can help but I’m here for you. You know I am” and that was the truth. Because even if you didn’t know about Spider-Man, he was always looking out for you. While he was in and out of the suit. You mean too much.

You gave him your signature smile. That lovely smile of yours. “It’s enough, Pete. Thank you.” You sighed and continued walking until you were close to his destination. “Honestly, somewhere I described him like brown eyes, brown hair and crazy smart. Like what? That could literally be any guy!! I’m so mad at myself.”

That was pretty generic right? He was pretty basic looking if you asked him. So again, there was still hope that you weren’t talking about him.

“Um, yeah anyone.” He coughed and stopped outside his classroom. “Okay so, you try and find out anymore clues and I’ll meet you at my place later yeah?”. You nodded and gave him a small smile.

“You got it. Have a good class! Pay attention!” With that and a hug you walked away. He did not pay attention to class at all. How can he when there’s a possibility that his best friend was in love with him back when they were friends while he was with another girl and she doesn’t remember now because he made her forget?

Yeah what the fuck.

He couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. He basically sprinted back to his apartment but during the way he slowed down. Did he really want to figure this out? What if he didn’t like the answer?

Before he knew it, he was in his apartment. He threw his backpack on the floor and started pacing. A million thoughts through his mind. How can that even happen? Was it really possible?

Then you were knocking on his door. He let out a big breath. Okay, there’s no going back now. He let you in with a nervous smile. The first thing he noticed was your fallen expression. Oh no. You figured it out.

Was it him?

“Whats wrong? Why do you look so sad?”

You sat on his bed, quiet and a far away look in your eye. In your hand, the diary.

He swallowed. His heart was beating so fast he thought it was going to leave his body. “Y/N?”…

“He was in love with someone else”.

Fuck.

Your voice was so sad, it resembled your whole posture. He couldn’t breathe. What is happening? You handed him the diary. It was book-marked. With shaky hands he took it out of your hands and found the page that was marked.

He closed his eyes. It can’t be him. There were many other brown haired, brown eyed smart guys in Midtown. He wasn’t the only one. It’s. Not. Him.

He started reading.

Shit.

She wrote about a couple. A couple that resembled him and MJ a little too much. She wrote about listening to the guy ramble on about the girl he had kissed, the girl he really liked and now had. She wrote about how her heart broke in a million pieces because she was in love with someone that would never return her love. She wrote about keeping it in, hiding her emotions as best as possible and supporting the guy, her friend. Because she loved him and she was selfless. If he was happy then she’d push her feelings deep down. Even if it hurt like a bitch.

He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t stop reading it actually. He felt his heart break the longer he kept reading, the longer he read it again and again. How in the world? Just- how can this happen?

He never ever expected this. Was he really so oblivious to her feelings? Or did she really hide it well? They talked everyday, they shared many moments together, many laughs together and she loved him.

She never told him. He never found out.

Until now. And she doesn’t even know that she’s talking about him. This is so fucked up. How do you proceed from this? Does he tell her the truth? Does he pretend he doesn’t know who this guy is? Why does shit like this continue to happen to him? He swallowed and slowly looked at her sitting beside him. She looked sad and he hates it. He can’t imagine how broken she must’ve been while writing this. How many tears have you shed? How many nights did you cry yourself to sleep? He hates the thought of you crying because of him, because he made you cry and he broke your fucking heart.

He hates himself.

“I’-I’m so sorry, Y/N”

You shook your head. “It’s not your fault, Pete.”

But it was. Everything was his fault.

“Maybe this is why I don’t remember? Maybe my mind blocked his existence because I was in too much pain? You know like-trauma—“

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He had to know. Why didn’t you say something? Before he got with MJ, even before Liz just, why didn’t you say anything.

You looked at him. A conflicted glint in your eye. “I- I don’t know, Peter. I don’t even remember this happening.”

He stopped up and started pacing again. “Okay let’s just. Okay.” He sighed, stopped and stood in front of you. “Let’s say, hypothetically, you were really good friends with the guy. Close friends. Why wouldn’t you mention it to him? That you-you know- you like him”.

“Peter” you sighed and also stood up. “I-I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to ruin that friendship. I-“ You looked away from his eyes and looked down. He didn’t like it when he couldn’t see your expressions. Not when he had gotten to know them so well. “If we were friends and I liked him as more than a friend I definitely wouldn’t want to ruin that and obviously he liked someone else. There was no way I was going to tell him.” You sighed and looked back up at him. You gave a little sad shrug. As if, you were used to it.

Used to being second best. Used to being left behind, and used to hiding your true feelings. Because it was what you were used to. You loved being part of their little group. You loved all your friends, they were great friends. You’d do anything for them and you knew that to some extent, they’d do it for you too. Or you’d hope. You started second guessing yourself when Peter and MJ got a little too close. Peter was a pure soul and that’s what you love about him. He was selfless, he was caring, he was passionate and he was someone you couldn’t have. You were there for him when he got the Stark Internship, when he was crushing on Liz, you were there for him when she had left and he was sad. You were there for him when he’d had his weird out of nowhere bruises, you were there for him when he started developing feelings for MJ. You were there for him when Mr. Stark died.

You were always there. But what about him? Where was him? He had failed her and she doesn’t even know it. How is he supposed to go on while knowing this? He is still processing. Does she even still feel the same? Does he even what to know?

He thought that making the world forget his existence would be better, easier. But it seemed that life for Peter Parker isn’t meant to be that way.

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